Any similarities to PCs are completely unin... pffft, sorry, its all "intentional", I'm afraid. But it is all in good humour, so its all good, amirite?
Having said that, enjoy this grand failure of mine.
A Festive Tale
„This... this has to be one of the worst jobs I have eve... well done in a while.“
These were the precise thoughts of Firo Prochainezo as he fingered the hem of his stupidly overflamboyant red cloak in irritation.
I hope you burn... wherever evil nuns such as yourself burn!
Firo sent a scathing look at the vulpine woman dressed in the garb of a Catholic nun (...though it was way lower cut then what he remembered of the robes in question to be). He had been slightly surprised when the strange woman had appeared in the office and suddenly offered him a relatively quick job... for a substantial sum of money. Now normally, such an upstanding and careful citizen such as Firo would be extremely suspicious if someone just showed up like that from the blue with a large amount of cash, but she did go through the typical process and was adamant about the fact that there would be no combat involved.
He should have known better.
As she caught Firo's glare from behind his mask, the infuriating woman's grin only widened.
How does a nun get this sort of twisted sense of humor!? Oh wait... there was that white-haired sadomasochistic one... I'm not sure anymore. Maybe its a common thing among nuns? All that repression can't be healthy.
In any case, the faster this starts, the faster it will end.
Firo's voice suddenly boomed over the buzzing crowds that were mingling around in the large hall.
„Khm.... Gather around, my young friends! Let me tell you a tale of such splendor and wonder the likes of which has not been heard since the days of yore!“
„Oi, dipshit. Pipe down a bit, will you? You have barely started speaking and for some reason you are already irritating me.“
Firo nearly did a double take at hearing the relatively familiar voice.
Te...Tessa? What the hell is she doing here?!
If there was ever a time where Firo was grateful for his... unique costume, that moment was now. He had no idea what his Dorm Head would try to do if she found out his identity. Err... try to kill him perhaps? She did seem to have that quick fire temper. And why was she even here? This was a kids birthday party, damn it! And she... well, she would most likely classify under a child but still!
„Eheh..“ Firo let out a rather sheepish chuckle that was somewhat silenced by the mask that he was wearing. “My apologies for being so overbearing, Miss, but I still need everyone to gather up. Work waits for no man, after all.“
The wave of relatively young children suddenly surged in front of the makeshift stage and sat down on the pillow covered floor. Not only children, it seemed. A few older individuals were there as well already watching him with relatively wide grins on their faces. Horrible, horrible individuals that truly did not understand the suffering that he was going through. The crowd of young children looked on him with expectant eyes.
Truly, an unfortunate turn of events.
„Well then, are you ready? For this tale, I can only tell once. So pay attention and listen well, my compatriots.“
With a wave of a hand, the white cloth screen rippled behind him as vibrant colors suddenly surged on it, forming an image of a beautiful and prosperous castle town, eliciting gasps of surprise from the children in front of him. Once more, the image moved in a blaze of moving colors, leaving behind rolling emerald hills and moving closer to the cobbled streets and spiking olden towers under the gleam of an orange sun. It was truly breathtaking.
It was Tuscany during the middle ages, depicted by a rather talented artist some time ago.
Hopefully none of them had actually been there... or knew enough to recognize it.
„There once was this city under the rolling sky, to which there was no equal. Its name was Elysium and it was a home for many. Its prosperous streets filled with goods and people alike. Peace had been long and prosperous and the people themselves had forgotten the meaning of war. Truly a paradise in the mortal realm.“
However, suddenly the image warped, as a shade fell over the city, shadowing the streets that had just been bright an happy a moment ago.
„However, this was not to last, as a shadow fell upon the glorious city. Two villains of unparalleled cunning, wits and generally awful disposition appeared in the town, desiring to further their own nefarious plans at the expense of the innocent townfolk.“
„The first they called Brilliant Brooder! During his many escapades, he had left the local law enforcement gobsmacked with his clever plan involving a runaway tractor, sixteen pieces of shattered glass and a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle! Using his unparalleled wits, the Brillant Brooder planned to take the the entire city to the brink of depression, upon which he would demand them to yield their gold reserves or to force them to release his insane bride. One or the other, he wasn't quite sure about that himself.“
An image of a young man with a moustache and a top hat was canvassed over the gigantic screen.
„Hnng... and then I shall demand all of their gold. Hnng... but what about In....khm.. Neko-chan?! NEKO-CHAAAAAAN!“
After the illusory „speech“ of the Brilliant Brooder had drawn itself onto the screen, both the speech bubble and image were washed away by another image, this one of a rather young woman.
„The second was discovered after several of the local confectionery magnates were found dead in their beds... their faces stuffed with poisoned cookies! It was not long before the ever sinister Cookie Mistress showed herself before the bewildered policemen (and women), boasting about her plan to achive a monopoly over the sweets industry and through that, win the affections of everyone in Elysium. Truly a dastardly and peerless plan! And with her unmatchable Combat Cookie Arts that took down sixteen constables that tried to arrest her, her fighting abilities were second to none!
„Kyahahaha! My cookies are undefeatable! Soon you will all love me, whether you want it or not!“
The images started flicking through images of citizens in despair and chased by flying cookies. One after another they flicked, until one image of a young boy was transfixed onto the screen, his form overshadowed by the figures of the two prior figures.
„But alas! Where villains lurk, a heroes are never far off! And as it was, it was Elysiums pair of superbly adept and utterly exceptional superheroe student pair that rose to the occasion, challenging the rampant destruction and... brooding of their opponents!“
An image of a gust of wind with two caped figures appeared as they descended on the looming figures.
POW!
KAZAM!
„Indeed! It was
Suicide Woman and
Mute Girl!“
„During her childhood, Suicide Woman had gained the unique power of surviving suicidal actions no matter how impossible it seemed! She also happened to have the ability to temporarily increase her strength the more suicidal actions she took! To take full advantage of this, she carried with her a pair of swords that were exclusively used to stab herself randomly!“
************************************************** *********************
A relatively hesitant looking young hand rose from the crowd of children in front of Firo.
„...errr, yes?“
The girl was young, like most of the children in front of him. No older then 12-13 from the looks of it. Relatively long brown hair along with hazel eyes that shone with curiosity. A cute kid from the looks of it. No doubt that she had a number of older women that loved to dote on her.
„H..How does she survive stabbing herself? Can she heal herself?“
Firo smiled under his mask.
„No. You see, when a single action is perfected to a certain point, it can transcend the ken of men, m'dear. Suicide Girl had perfected the single action of killing herself to the point where no matter what happened, it was impossible for her to kill herself, as long as the action resulted from herself of course.“
If there was something Firo did not expect with this answer, it was the utterly serious look on the girls face as she nodded along with his answer.
Oh god. She is the innocent type. The one that can't ever conceive anyone lying to them.
„...Khm. Now where were we?
************************************************** *********************
„Mute Girl on the other hand had weaponized the power of... muteness. She had the uncanny ability to break reality through the sheer ability of her lack of sound!“
************************************************** *********************
A girlish voice piped up once more.
„How?“
„Well. By reducing her sound to such a dramatic degree, she was capable of reducing the friction resulting from the common reality field projected by the planet! As long as she made not a sound, she could ignore aspects such as gravity, time and space!“
There! That should give her something to ponder about.
Furious nodding from the girl was his only answer.
Firo's eyes narrowed suspiciously underneath his mask.
He had a bad feeling about this.
************************************************** *********************
„In any case, Mute Girl and Suicide Woman had just arrived on the scene in a blaze of action, saving the life of the young boy. Having thrown both Brilliant Brooder and Cookie Mistress away from the target of their nefarious plans, the two Defenders of Justice confronted the evil naydoers!“
The cloth background rippled and the image of a tense stare-off was projected on its surface.
With her extended finger Suicide Woman pointed at the two villains at the scene.
„Yield, Cookie Mistress and Brilliant Brooder! Your evil deeds can never truly succeed! We will take you in and you will face the justice of the LAW!“
„Hnng... you think that, but do you truly think that I have not planned for this occasion? Hnng?“
Suddenly a crackle was heard, as a gigantic bulldozer fell from the roof of the building from underneath which our two heroes were standing. With his nefarious planning, Brilliant Brooder had constructed a moving mechanism of a fridge, a pair of headphones and some gum, that had now propelled the hapless road roller to its doom. In a blaze of movement, Suicide Woman struck, to save both them and their innocent friend!
With a quick flash, the elaborate katana was sunk into the gut of Suicide Woman.
„ORYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!“
A gigantic blast of burgundy energy burst out of her eyes, vaporizing the gigantic construction machine.
The image flickered, revealing a scene where both Brilliant Brooder and Cookie Mistress were fleeing from the scene using their premediated distraction.
„...“
Using her miraculous powers over the lack of sound, Mute Girl ripped a hole in space and time and headed of in the pursuit of the two figures. However, as she emerged in front of the pair in the next dark alleyway, she was set upon by the two nefarious individuals who had already prepared for her obvious action!
“Have a taste of my patented Cookie Exploooosioooon~!”
“...!”
Suddenly, the entire street was vaporized in an instant as it was struck by the supernatural explosion of cookie dough. Barely having the time to react, all Mute Girl could think about was protecting herself. By creating a temporal dislocation of “muteness”, she was able to offset most of the damage dealt to her. However, not even her extensive abilities could shield her from the sheer destructive power of the cookie dough bomb. Ind...
************************************************** *********************
“Why did it do so much damage? The cookie dough bomb I mean, Mister?”
Sigh.
“It was due to the inherent conceptual strength that cookie dough has during the festivities. Due to the close connection between cookies and festivals, the “mystery” of cookies increases during those periods. This is especially potent with gingerbread dough during Christmas.”
As those bright eyes consumed yet another piece of worthless and false information, Firo could find no solace in them. Only despair.
************************************************** *********************
The screen flickered, the scene depicted washing away, giving away to a new image.
“Two weeks later, the two villains had disappeared nowhere. If anything, their acts had even increased. Both Mute Girl and Suicide Woman were always a moment short, a step too late, to stop the actions of the sinister duo. It was beginning to become clearer and clearer, that they needed to confront their enemies soon, or they would be too late to stop them.”
“Their breakthrough came as they were looking in to yet another case of cookie poisoning.”
A well furbished and expensive bedroom flowed on the screen in a wave of color and lines. A soft glow from the expensive marble fireplace revealed the dead body in the middle of the image, his face stuffed full with poisoned cookies, his eyes rolled back. A number of people, including Suicide Woman and Mute Girl were buzzing about in the scene. A flicker of motion zoomed the image in, showing Suicide Woman speaking to one of the inspectors.
“Another Cookie Poisoning, Inspector China?”
“Mpf... chomp, gulp. Yeah. It seems clear cut again! This time it is the Donut Magnate, Max von Nutdon! He was responsible for most of the donuts production in the city! Chomp.”
Tears started to glisten in the Inspectors eyes as she bit down on her donut.
“Youph,
mupfth stopfh her, Swuicide Wfoman!”
Suicide Woman placed a calming hand on the inspectors shoulders.
“Never fear, Inspector China. That is why we are here.”
************************************************** *********************
“Does she really like doughnuts that much?”
A slight cough came out from Firo.
“My dear. It is a sacred tradition of the law enforcement everywhere. Donuts embody everything the law enforcement stands for and they will do anything to protect it. Its a matter of honor, after all! It is not a stretch to say that if you do not like doughnuts, you are not a police officer to begin with!"
“I see. Thanks, Mister!”
“You are... welcome, m'dear.”
************************************************** *********************
“Now! Mute Girl, we must investigate for every possible clue, so that we could trace down the lair of these villains!”
“...!”
The two superheroes started to go through the various pieces of evidence on the scene. The cookie dough was of the traditional sort, with no remarkable identifiers of any sort, besides the poison used in it. Not even Mute Girls patented “... Cookie Identifier” could track down the maker of the cookie dough. For it to be so untraceable, was truly a sign of the makers superb skill in the field. Truly a pity that Cookie Mistress chose to serve the path of evil instead of the path of the hero! She could have truly been a great cookie maker!
As for the villains path of entry, it was relatively straight forward. A banana chucking machine that chucked a banana through the chimney, the additional weight of which caused the maid to inadvertently to open the window without even noticing about it. Truly the idea of a brilliant man.
Now if the...
“Over there, Mute Girl! What is that!”
“...”
“I see, I see. A conveniently placed crumpled calling card in the fist of the victim! It must of been left there by the villains!”
"Blimey! We completely missed that, Suicide Woman!"
“After this crucial piece of evidence, everything is clear! They are hiding out in the old Richmond Kookies factory! Away into the Suicide Mobile!”
************************************************** *********************
A large abandoned factory was suddenly in sight, as clear lightning flashes occasionally revealed the shadowy outline of the large building. In a screech of tires and rather dangerous looking (to the drivers) flashes of energy, the Suicide Mobile stopped in front of the evil looking building. Our pair of superheroes took immediately off to the depths of the complex to stop the, no doubt blackhearted, plans in the minds of Cookie Mistress and Brilliant Brooder. Reaching the courtyard middle courtyard however, they already found the individuals they were looking for!
“Hnng... predictable.”
“Kyahahahaha! It took you long enough, Stupid Woman and Idiot Girl!”
They stood on a gigantic machine which seemed to consist of a gigantic satellite disk, 785 hamster wheels, a mountain of cords and a gigantic transparent cookie dough creation furnace. In a mesmerizing sight, the cookie dough rolled around in alluring patterns as it was cooked by the flame present in the middle of the furnace. The two villains spread their hands in a presentive manner, as if they were trying to sell something in a TV infomercial.
Their voices rang out in unison.
“This is our greatest invention, the Mass Depression Cookie Raaaaay!”
“Hnng... invention... depression cookie ray!”
However, our two heroes were not daunted by the giant machinery in front of them.
“We shall never allow you to go through with your malefic plans!”
“...!”
“Onwards, Mute Girl!”
“It makes no difference! In a matter of minutes, the Mass Ray will fire, turning all individuals in Elysium into cookie-addled manic depressive individuals! And you shall be no different, kyahahahah!
"-----"
Mute Girls only answer was the... well the "not sound" of her Mute Guns. In a flurry of hands, feet and cookies, Cookie Mistress deflected the incoming waves of silence, causing nearby walls to waver and turn into dust. Flicking her delicate arms, hundreds of poison cookies suddenly appeared aimed at Mute Girl. Truly an impressive sight of combat ability and cookie making fused together in perfect harmony.
“COOOOKIE SHUUUURIKEEEN~!”
************************************************** *********************
As Mute Girl warped through space and time to avoid the onslaught of razor sharp cookies, a different battle was unfolding between Suicide Woman and Brilliant Brooder. Taking to the depths of the abandoned factory, Suicide Woman was in hot pursuit of Brilliant Brooder. That was before a random speck of dust fell into her eyes, forcing her to take a step to the left into a discarded mouse trap that in turn triggered the activation of a large boulder that was now rolling behind her, threatening to fully flatten her, unless she found a way to deal with it.
“Hnng... simpleton. I have already trapped this entire area. No random... hnng... masochist will stop me from getting my gold and saving Neko-chan!”
Only Suicide Girls quick reflexes saved her, as she stabbed herself in the spleen, eradicating the incoming boulder with a sonic scream.
However, that was merely a temporarily salvation, as her sonic attack released the pre-prepared tiger cages with sonic triggers. Suddenly beset by the attack of the furious felines, our superheroine was once again forced to flee from her pursuers, only to activate a combined acid pit and falling ceiling trap. In a flash, Suicide Girl was sliding down towards her acidy doom while a spiked ceiling was falling on her in an attempt to finish her of.
SLAM
The trap fully closed, apparently ending the life of our heroine.
“You never had a change... hnng. My superior planning wins once again..”
However, not even the most brilliant can plan for everything.
“Have you forgotten who I am? There is no way I can die if I am running into your traps of my own free will.”
The trap that was supposed to spell the end of Suicide Girl suddenly exploded in a wave of intense destructive energy.
Surrounded by what seemed to be an unmatchable glow of power, Suicide Girl emerged from the dank pit, completely covered in acid, yet completely unharmed. For after all, she could not die through her own actions and decisions. The moment when the opponent employed a tactic that depended on her causing her own downfall, her victory was assured. For once, the Brilliant Brooder, could not see all the possible outcomes... no, perhaps his planning was clouded by his own perception from the start.
“Su...Such self sacrifice, hnng!”
“HOWAAAAAAA!”
The entire building they were in was suddenly wiped of the map by the wave of destructive energy emitting from golden eyed heroine.
************************************************** *********************
“Kyahaha! Don't you know that my art is sublime!?”
“COOKIE BLAAAAST”
No matter what she did, Mute Girl always seemingly found herself on the defensive. When she had tried to close in to finish the Cookie Mistress off, she almost took a fateful faceful of cookies for her troubles. And at range, she was outclassed by her opponents superior rate of fire and firepower. It was all she could do to avoid the incoming attacks the best she could. It was doubtful that she could wrest victory from her opponents hands if this battle continued as it had.
“Coookie Daaaaance!”
The next wave of cookies had a wavelike pattern, completely unlike something Mute Girl had seen before, causing her to take a hit at her shoulder.
“Kyahahahahahah!”
At this point, Mute Girl had only one option. As much as she avoided using this, she had no way to cointinue at this point without it.
Spaces between Silence
“....”
“Wha...wha!”
The bleeding girl in front of Cookie Mistress suddenly disappeared.
In a waver, Mute Girl appeared behind Cookie Mistress.
“There!”
“COOOKIE DOOOMSDAAAY!”
But it was already too late.
Everything stopped.
The cookies. The Cookie Mistress. The Mass Depression Cookie Ray that stood behind the previously undefeated villain. Nothing that produced a single sound was allowed to exist in a world that prided itself on absolute lack of sound.
In a gust of wind, the gigantic weapon was blown into a cloud of dust.
Cookie Mistress's eyes rolled backwards and she collapsed on the ground, unconscious.
And the girl that prided herself on absolute silence?
“Gasp... gasp.... gasp.”
Suddenly let out a sound.
************************************************** *********************
As Inspector China locked both Cookie Mistress and Brilliant Brooder into the police lockup van, she turned towards Mute Girl and Suicide Woman.
“Chomp. I hapf... gulp, I have no idea how we can thank you enough, Suicide Woman and Mute Girl! Just to think that a moment longer and we might have all been forced to eat cookies instead of donuts!”
The inspector shook for a second as shivers wrecked her frame.
“No worries, China! After all, the villains are now locked up! And we can now return to the peaceful days of yore!”
“...gasp!... gasp.”
“Do not hesitate to call us any new troubles of villainous sorts appears!”
The chinese police officer gave a thumbs up to the pair.
“Will do, Suicide Woman, Mute Girl!”
And with that, the two villains were dragged towards the Elysium Prisons.
************************************************** ********************
A couple of days later.
The fabric warped, revealing a shadowed trio.
“You
fools! You could not even fulfil your role as a distraction properly!”
The first figure, undoubtedly the figure of the Brilliant Brooder was kneeling in front of the third individual.
“
Hnng... my apologies
Master... I could not foresee this outcome.”
The figure of the Cookie Mistress's was in a similar position.
“My... my cookie arts were not enough,
Master. But we shall not make the same mistake twice."
The third figure took a deep breath, obviously calming himself, before responding.
“No difference. My plan
will come to fruition.”
“I! Masked Master L, will steal all the panties in Elysium!”
************************************************** *********************
“But that is a tale for another time and another place. For the time being, my tales are done, young ones.”
No applause.
No
nothing.
If anything, most of the crowd was entirely too bored with his tale.
What is this! I knew it. The young are far to jaded. This modern age is ruining everyone if children cannot even enjoy a random silly superhero tale!
I knew I should have strongarmed Felix into doing this...
Most of the crowd seemingly dispersed back into the party, acting as if his tale was more of an annoyance rather then anything worthwhile, as Firo collapsed into his storytellers seat. Some of the more adult individuals in the birthday party threw him a couple of pitying looks. Pitying! At him! Firo Prochainezo was not a man to be pitied! Well... not that often, at least. But not now! This was embarassing as it was. He did not need pity!
It was in this moment of self pity when he felt a slight tug on his sleeve.
It was the brown haired inquisitive girl. The one with the bright eyes and incessant questions.
“I...I liked it a lot, Mister! It was fun and there were so many new and interesting things I haven't heard about before! So... so don't feel down, okay?”
Firo let out a chuckle as he looked at the girl through the eye holes of his mask.
“You are really a really kindhearted girl, aren't you? You know what? I know you have more questions, so why don't I answer one more of them?”
I might even answer this one seriously, you know?
The innocent girl was obviously somewhat puzzled on which one of her many question to ask. It took her a couple of minutes before her eyes lit up brightly and she looked upwards at Firo.
“Would... would you tell me the next part of the story?”
“Well, that depends. You are the birthday child, right?”
A slightly hesitant nod came out of the brown haired girl.
“Then it wouldn't be quite polite of me to steal you away from all your friends. However, if you speak to that... nun over there,” Firo pointed at the evil, evil nun that had dragged him into this mess. “You can probably ask her to find me later, okay?”
Firo briefly tussled the hazel-eyed girls hair a bit as she gave a bright smile, nodded and suddenly ran away from Firo towards the nun he had pointed at.
“Advisor Wivina, Advisor Wivina! I have learned so much today and..”
Firo's eyes narrowed once more as they crossed with the nun's, whose foxlike smile widened yet again.
…I think I know precisely why she has such a warped sense of humor.
************************************************** *********************
The End. For now.