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3rd Day: Awakening-Morning - What is burned in
In the end, where I end up is how I'm saved after running out of energy.
I don't know what is supposed to be conveyed by this line.
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3rd Day: Awakening-Morning - What is burned in
I don't think she has to make anything this elaborate for breakfast, but I think she made a lot of it to take for lunch too.
Typical awkward MM line. Would probably work better as two sentences.
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I don't think she has to make anything this elaborate for breakfast. She made a lot of it, enough to take for lunch too.
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3rd Day: Awakening-Morning - What is burned in
You don't happen to have no appetite this morning, right?
Awkward mess. Would be nice if the dialogue sounded like something a person might actually say.
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You wouldn't happen to have no appetite this morning, would you?
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3rd Day: After School-Night - Night of fate
"I'm not helping the student council. It's only natural for a student to fix the school equipment, right? After all, we're the ones using them."
I'm not sure whether using the plural is actually incorrect here, but it sounds iffy to me.
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3rd Day: After School-Night - Night of fate
He's not human, so something merely like a human will die.
That is...
That's...
That's... something I can just ignore?
I'd go with a question structure for a question, unless we want to make Shirou sound like a retard.
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Is...
Is that...
Is that... something I can just ignore?
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3rd Day: After School-Night - Night of fate
I don't feel any pain already.
You could go with the more formal:
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I no longer feel any pain.
Or perhaps:
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I don't feel any pain anymore.
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3rd Day: Night-Returning Home - One more time
But I've never heard of ghosts with form, able to associate directly with people.
I vaguely recall the word "associate" being misused in some other instances, too.
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But I've never heard of ghosts with form, able to interact with people directly.
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3rd Day: Lecture on Masters - Tohsaka Rin(II)
"Of course. We are heading to Kotomine Church in the neighboring town. That's where the false priest, the one who oversees this battle, is living."
Unless Tohsaka means to emphasize that Kotomine is currently living in the church (as opposed to his usual sweet bachelor pad), the correct version is:
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"Of course. We are heading to Kotomine Church in the neighboring town. That's where the false priest, the one who oversees this battle, lives."
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4th Day: Awakening-My room - Principle of action-Tohsaka Rin
Tohsaka throws out a temper.
This might be some sort of slang I'm not aware of. Perhaps:
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Tohsaka's temper flares up.
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4th Day: Rin's question - Understanding the current situation
The type of gun depends on the magus's abilities: pistol, rifle, machinegun, shotgun...
This is actually more of a typo. It should be "machine gun", obviously. Also, that metaphor is terrible.
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4th Day: Night - Is my Master aptitude low?
"-You're persistent, Saber. I told you I was just confused. I'm scared of death too. I can't be a saint.
...If something like that happens again, I'll save myself before you."
Shirou is insisting here that he's normal and values his life. Saying: "I can't be a saint." implies that maybe he wants to be a saint. He's trying to assure Saber that he's a perfectly run-of-the-mill, selfish Magus (definitely not a saint). Plus, "I'm not a saint" is an actual established phrase in the English language.
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"-You're persistent, Saber. I told you I was just confused. I'm scared of death too. I'm not a saint.
...If something like that happens again, I'll save myself before you."
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4th Day Bedtime: Shed - Star in the fog
"...Thank God. I thought Saber would notice, but she must be pretty dull."
I'd take a look at the Japanese here. Is Shirou really calling Saber dull? Suggestion:
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"...Thank God. I thought Saber would notice, but she must be pretty out of it."
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5th Day: Dinner-Bedtime - Crash of the lion and the tiger
Because Father was a simpleton who went to foreign countries all the time, he would have more acquaintances overseas than in Japan.
Again, is Shirou really insulting Kerry like that? I'm not sure what this is about. Seems like some sort of mistranslation to me.
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14th Day: Return home - Parting at the bridge
Saber notices something and stops.
She is watching a mountain of rubble.
It's not that tall even though it's a 'mountain' of rubble.
Steel frames and the likes are piled right up to the water surface and are slightly distorting the flow of the river.
I don't know why, but is seems like a ship sank or something, and pieces of it flowed into a mountain.
I heard the local residents have been demanding its removal for a long time since it damages the beautiful sight.
"...? What's wrong, Saber? Did that catch your attention?"
"No, I was noticing that it still remains because I was the cause of it. I used the Noble Phantasm here, having fought on water in the previous war.
The only damage was that the river dried up, but I also destroyed the ship that was unfortunately anchored there."
The thing with calling it a mountain, and then saying it's not actually tall enough to be called a mountain is just weird. I'd get rid of that entirely, since the "Steel frames..." sentence conveys the size of the pile of rubble pretty well. There are some other problems, too. Here's a different take on it (some relatively big changes):
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Saber notices something and stops.
She is watching a mountain of rubble.
Steel frames and the like are piled right up to the water surface and are slightly distorting the flow of the river.
I don't know why, but is seems like a ship sank or something, and the debris formed a big pile.
I heard that the local residents have been demanding its removal for a long time because it damages the beautiful sight.
"...? What's wrong, Saber? Did the rubble catch your attention?"
"I was only noticing that it still remains because I was the cause of it. I used my Noble Phantasm here, back when I was fighting on the water in the previous war.
It made the river dry up and, unfortunately, it also destroyed the ship that was anchored here."
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VS Gilgamesh - What I want to protect
I hear something sliding on the ground.
Sliding.
Is the ground of the park slippery because it's level?
I slide across the ground and finally come to a stop.
Slippery because it's level? What? Shirou is pretty confused here because he just go owned by Gilgamesh, but that doesn't excuse his nonsensical narration. Again, the original Japanese should probably be looked at. The line can easily be made to work, but I'd rather find out what it's supposed to be in the first place.
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I hear something sliding on the ground.
Sliding.
Is the ground here slippery?
I slide across the ground and finally come to a stop.
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Fate - stay Night(I)
I jump sideways.
This is the result of my instincts of not wanting to die...
...Surpassing my desire to kill him.
Ugh.
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I jump sideways.
This is the result of my desire for survival...
...Surpassing my desire to kill him.
Or maybe:
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I jump sideways.
This is the result of my survival instinct...
...Overwhelming my desire to kill him.
Originally Posted by Aravan
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