This story was supposed to be a movie, but I decided to keep this right here online where it should have been from the start.
This story also features some of my original characters along with Type-MOON characters, as well.
The World's Wrath
http://1drv.ms/Ym8dls
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Last edited by Christopher H2; September 26th, 2014 at 06:54 PM. Reason: ???
Truth be told, I can't believe that I'm doing this. I'll try to break everything down for you.
First of all, if you have something to post to this forum, you should post it here directly. This is mostly for the ease of presentation.
Red is for errors and emphasis.
Also seriously don't write a movie script. You're doing prose, so please keep the style proper for prose.
Alright, I have no real problem with OC protagonists. This might even be interesting.The World’s Wrath By Christopher Hawthorne
Characters
Utan Enhada
10 OC characters is blatantly excessive and will generally turn people off the story instantly, unless you're a fantastic writer who can make it work.Michaelis Rosso
Komane Uzuki
Samari Enhada
Kilita Enhada
Ms. Heart
Ace
Diamond
Club
Spade
Firstly, Angra Mainyu is not a character. It is a mass of curses. Secondly, it isn't "Taiga", her name is Taiga. Lastly, this cast is made of the majority of main characters from Fate and Tsukihime, and it is bloated. Focus on a small group of protagonists, and defined antagonists. Unless this character list represents everyone who gets mentioned for one sentence.True Assassin
Zouken Matou
Shinji Matou
Sakura
Rin Toshaka
Emiya Shirou
Ciel
Akiha Tohno
Shiki Tohno
Shiki Nanaya
Hishui
Kohaku
Hanei
Arihiko
Arcueid Brunestud
Len
Satsuki
Sion Atlasia
Caren Orenstia
Illyasviel
Irisviel
Leysritt
Sella
Berserker
SHIKI Tohno
Roa
Caster
Rider
Lancer
Saber
Angra Maniyu
"Taiga" Fujimura
Seo Akira
More OCs is a bad thing at this point.Maiya Uzuki
Erik Bryant
Wally Ortiz
Luiz Calderon
Benihara
Haru Minami
Inoue Makoto
Kawasaki Kaede
Excuse me for a moment.Setting: 2010, Hawaii/Japan
Plot: 3 years after defeating the Angra Maniyu in Hawaii, a young man by the name of Utan Enhada must go to Japan to destroy the Angra Maniyu.
That premise isn't workable. Angra Mainyu does not work the way you might think it does.
If it ever even got to Hawaii, that means that the entire Western Hemisphere, or perhaps just the Pacific, has been overrun. At that point, it is an unstoppable curse. I am also turned sour at the fact that your story begins with the premise that the OC hero is apparently the only one who can stop it. It's likely that I won't particularly appreciate your plot, so I'll mainly critique your major deviations from canon.
Well it's great that you included a table of contents, but again, that's useless in the script format you created. If you'd marked it up with BBcode for the forum, it would have been very presentable.1: Introduction/The Unlikely Hero
2: A Troubled Memoir from The Past
3: To Hell And Back
4: Tantalized Upon the Color and Taste of Blood
5: Too Many Questions, So Little Answers
6: The Tourist
7: Envious Power
8: Maintaining Stability
9: Maintaining Knowledge
10: Maintaining Control
11: Between Humans, Vampires, and Servants: Utan’s Win-Lose Situations
12: In The Face Of Adversity, Utan Rises
13: The Andromeda Strain/Shinji’s Last Stand
14: The Fighting With Reason
15: Fighting For A Lost Cause
16: Infiltration/The Final Battle
17: Aftermath: Since I’ve Started All Over Again
2010 - 2014 Christopher Hawthorne
1999 – 2014 Type-MOON Ltd.
LunarFate: The World’s Wrath
By Christopher James Hawthorne
Alright, time for the main course.
Dum de dum de dum.Chapter 1: Introduction/The Unlikely Hero
Humans - - - their animosity towards themselves was evolving. It was creating a dark cloud on this earth. Three years ago, the (Why is it "the" Angra Mainyu? It could just be Angra Mainyu) Angra Maniyu appeared - - - (Do not ever use hyphens to indicate pauses in narration. Semicolons and colons are things. So are commas.) the most destructive and dangerous living creature known to man. Humans created this by their anger and animosity towards each other. (Repeating the same description isn't useful.) There was no one who could possibly defeat it, but there was an artifact that could defeat this threat - - - The Power Gauntlet; it was created to destroy the evils of humankind and grants the user immortality. A human by the name of Utan Enhada obtained this artifact and was able to prevent its arrival in Hawaii.
Angra Mainyu is a curse usually contained within the Fuyuki Holy Grail. It is not a phenomenon that manifests because humans are big meanies. This Power Gauntlet is a convenient MacGuffin. It doesn't deserve to exist just so that this OC can be relevant.
Ditch the script format and start using paragraphs for dialogue. Don't bother using more than one exclamation point. Write the word "five" instead of the number. Don't bother quoting music that people haven't heard. Don't quote music at all, except in reference. Yes, I know that this is a movie script. No, I will not treat it like a movie script.Utan: Ahhh!!! What a beautiful morning. (gets ready to exercise for 5 minutes while playing
"Elektric City" by Chick Corea.)
???: Hello!!!
So without any details about where they are, we're suddenly having two characters talking in the morning somewhere, for no reason at all.Utan looks around and sees that it’s Michaelis Rosso, his right-hand man. He was at average height and weight, had brown ponytail and dark teal eyes.
Who are these characters and why are you writing them into Type-MOON? Why are they selling lunches in the part? Are they food cart owners?Utan: Oh, hi Michaelis.
Michaelis: I see that you’re doing very well this morning.
Utan: Never felt better. Hopefully at around noon, we can go into the park and sell some lunch.
Describe it. Don't use parentheses to be lazy and skip proper prose.Michaelis: Ok, I’ll be there. (he leaves.)
There is so much wrong here that I want to vomit. I'll assume that English isn't your first language, or shame on you. Actually, English isn't my first language either. Shame on you.Utan goes into his mobile home, as he sees his twin sisters, Samari and Kilitia. They were both 17, but Samari was a bit leaner than Kilitia. Samari wore loose fitted pants like his brother, a black midriff, and sandals. Kilitia wore light colored summer dresses and had black, long hair. But their eyes weren’t as scary as Utan’s.
It's a strange mobile home that has a grave right next to it. I'm assuming that they're all dirt poor. Also, those female names are the worst. Especially Kilitia. That isn't even a proper Japanese name. It doesn't even sound Japanese.Utan: Good morning.
Kilitia: Utan.
Samari: We got some breakfast for you. Would you like some?
Utan: I’ll get it; as soon as I’ll get dressed for today.
Utan heads upstairs. Samari and Kilita were eating their breakfast.
Samari: What’s wrong?
Kilitia: Nothing. I would like to see my mother and give my blessing to her. (goes outside to see her grave and prays to her.)
There is no context for this. You're alluding to something completely out of nowhere.Samari: (upset while she was looking at her. thinking silently.) That was a frightening experience for us. Maiya and Utan saved us all from that creature. I wish the best for her - - - wherever she is now.
New drinking game. I have to stab myself every time you use "- - -".Meanwhile, Utan gets dressed and turns on the radio to hear some music. Instead, he hears breaking news.
Radio: "Breaking News. At the Hawaiian Metropolitan Airport, the building disappeared. Probably hundreds of people disappeared in that airport and the Hawaiian police is currently investigating that area and throughout until further notice.”
Utan: (thinks to himself.) What’s this? (he sees on the television that the airport and the most of the planes there were gone.) Since when did this happen?
A few hours had passed; Michaelis was waiting outside for Utan.
Michaelis: Hey, are you coming or not? We are going to be late.
Utan: I’m terribly sorry; I’ve just heard some news about some strange disappearances.
Michaelis: Strange?
Utan: For some apparent reason, an airport has just disappeared - - - killing a few.
...All that over $2?Michaelis: Oh, really?
Utan: Yeah. Let’s go before the police issue a curfew here as well.
Michaelis: Ok. . . Wait. What about Samari and Kilita; do they know anything about this?
Kilitia: Yes. Be careful out there, Utan.
Utan: We will. You two do the same. I’ll see you at 2.
Utan and Michaelis head out to the amusement park in a retractable van, leaving Samari and Kilitia.
Samari: Was it them?
Kilita: I hope it isn’t; otherwise, this will be it for us.
At the park during lunchtime, Utan and Michaelis arrive at the park selling lunch - - - chicken sandwiches, hamburgers, salads and drinks to the people that were here. However, one of the customers found something in Utan’s Bacon Chicken Sandwich.
Customer: (sees a chicken’s foot inside her sandwich and runs up to the van.) Sir, I want my money back.
Utan: Why?
Customer: You put a chicken’s foot in my sandwich!!
Utan: (He calmly speaks.) I assure you none of my sandwiches has anything hazardous or harmful in it. I checked and inspected all of those before we came here.
Customer: Well then, you need to check those again and I want my money back.
Utan: Ok, you need to calm down. We don’t want any trouble; I’ll gladly give you your money back.
Utan hurries over to the cash register, gets $2 dollars out, and runs over to the customer.
This is pointless drama. I only understand that our protagonist is dangerously unstable, and that he's bad at quality checking sandwiches.Utan: Here you go.
Customer: I swore that I paid 3 dollars for that sandwich you’ve made.
Utan: What? You saw how much all my stuff cost; that sandwich that you got costs $2. You didn’t ask or add anything extra into that sandwich.
Customer: (She slaps Utan.) Asshole!! I want my money back right now, you hypocrite!!!!!
Utan: (He grabs the customer’s left hand and was becoming angry at her for what she said.) A hypocrite!!!! DO I LOOK LIKE A HYPOCRITE TO YOU?!!!!!! HUH?!!!!!!!!!!
Utan squeezes the customer’s hand, the customer was screaming in pain.
Michaelis: (calms Utan.) Utan!!! Utan!!! Stop!!!!
Utan: (He lets go of the customer’s hand.) I’m sorry for doing that to you. Don’t ever call me that again.
Michaelis: Are you alright?
Utan: Let’s go.
Officer: Is there a problem here?
Utan: This customer assaulted me. I deeply apologize to what I’ve done to her.
Customer: Yea, you’d better apologize. You owe me $3.
"I'll take you two in" because he is the police.Utan: I’m positive that she saw my prices at the stand. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.
Customer: Officer, I want you to arrest this man. He ripped me off!!!!
Officer: Enough!!!! If the two of you don’t leave right now, I’ll have the police take you two in for disturbing the peace.
That's a spelling mistake, and from here on, I won't comment on those. Don't make them in the future.Utan: Ok. Thank you very much.
Utan and Michaelis leave the amusement park driving off in their Jeep and heads home. Utan was upset for losing control. The security officer was checking on the customer’s hand.
Officer: You alright? (checks her left hand.) Customer: Ahhh!
Officer: Hey. (he sees that Utan and Michaelis are gone.)
Inside a police car, the 2 officers inside received a call from the park. They were rookies.
Police Officer #1: Huh? Who?
Security officer: That person is driving a yellow Jeep Wrangler. Right now, that person ran away and broke that young lady’s left arm. He should be within your area now.
Police Officer #1: Ok, got it. (starts his vechile.) Police Officer #2: What are we looking for, sir?
Oh joy. This story is primarily about OC protagonists v. OC antagonists then. You probably just wrote in the Nasuverse elements around this.Police Officer #1: A yellow Jeep. The person driving it happens to have broken a customer’s hand.
Then, they see a young female down on the ground in her late 20’s. She has blonde hair and wearing a tight white strapless one-piece dress with a red heart. (Ms. Heart) Police Officer: Are you ok, ma’am?
Ms. Heart: Oh, I’m fine. (grabs his neck and absorbs his negative energy. The officer gets out aiding the officer only to be blasted by Ms. Heart’s shadowball.)
At Utan’s location, Michaelis was upset at Utan attacking an enraged customer at the amusement park.
Michaelis: What’s your problem?
Utan: Nothing, I wasn’t myself back there. Wasn’t I?
Michaelis: No, you weren’t. You just did that terrible thing to her.
Utan: You did see her slap me right in the face; what was I supposed to do? What if she had steel knuckle or a knife, am I going to let her remodel my face? Better yet kill me?!
Michaelis: No, it’s not that. Didn’t your mother and father teach you anything about treating girls?
Utan: Yes. Next time, I’ll remember to use my chivalrous ways to get myself killed.
Michaelis: What’s with that attitude of yours?
Utan: I’m sorry. It could have got out of hand, if I didn’t do anything about it. I told her to stop and the police officer didn't hear her screaming at me or slap me. I had to do something.
Michaelis: Well, I’m starting to become worried about you; you’re setting a bad example for your sisters.
Utan: Well, you shouldn’t be.
Some people appear in front of stop sign, looks to be friends of the enraged customer that are in the Royal Flush Gang. The current leader was Master Ace; a bald-headed man was carrying a steel pole. Mr. Club had his left ear cut off by Utan and has a tattoo of a green shamrock on that area; he was wielding claws. Jack of Spades was carrying axes and had bandages on his abdomen. He was slowly but surely recovering from an injury of his muscles being pulled by Utan from his last encounter.
Ah ha ha ha ha.Ace: (approaches the vehicle.) Hey, are you Utan?
Utan: Yes, I am. Is there a problem?
Ace: Get out of the car.
Utan: I think I’ll stay in here; it’s getting a bit hot outside.
Ace: (He grabs Utan and throws him outside.) I don’t appreciate what you do to women.
Utan: Excuse me? She attacked me because she wanted her money back for her sandwich.
Ace: Fuck your sandwich!! (kicks Utan but he was able to block it.) Oh, never mind; let’s see what else they got in there.
Michaelis: (gets out of the vehicle.) No, let’s be reasonable about this. You wouldn’t want to rob us.
Spade: (punches Michaelis in the stomach.) Shut up!! (punches Michaelis in the face and his glasses come off.) Utan: Michaelis!
Ace tries to hit him with his steel pole but he missed. Then, Utan kicked him straight in the nose and flew straight to Utan’s Jeep.
Mr. Club and Spade: Boss!!
Utan: I suggest you go home and apologize right now. Cause I don’t appreciate what you do to people who happen to make money and steal from them.
Ace: You idiots, why are you standing there for?!! Kill that bastard!!
Utan: 3 against 1? Oh, I’m scared.
Club: (rushes in to attack Utan.) Well, you should be.
Club, Spade and Master Ace attack Utan and Michaelis and fight for a couple of minutes. Right after he was able to defeat them, Diamond appears with a handgun and shoots Utan. She happened to be the enraged customer.
Michaelis: Utan!! (runs to Utan.)
Diamond: Hold it. Stay right there; you be joining him shortly.
Michaelis: Why are you doing this? Please, just let us go.
Diamond: After what he did to Ms. Heart, why should I? (looks at Utan, shocked to see him alive.) Impossible!! How? Why can't you just die?
Utan: To me, anything is possible. (he was able to his reinforcement ability to negate Diamond’s bullet. He gets it off the back of his neck.) Someone like you can’t kill me.
Diamond reloads her handgun to shoot Utan. But before she could do that, Utan threw the bullet at Diamond’s hand where she had the gun, quickly runs to her and knees her in the stomach.
Utan: I’m sorry to what happened to Ms. Heart. Maybe your long stay in prison will help you move past her death. (leaves her.) Let’s go, Michaelis.
Diamond: (Down on the ground. Stunned by Utan’s attack.) You coward!!! Get back here!!!
Right after Utan and Michaelis left in his damaged Jeep, Diamond feels an unearthly presence.
Diamond: What? What was that? (The unearthly presence took shape into Ms. Heart.) No, it can’t be. You - - - you're supposed be dead.
Ms. Heart: But here I am. (She corrupts Diamond with her dark aura and absorbs her dark essence.)
Then some police officers appear and come out of the car to subdue Ms. Heart. However, it was too late; the officers were blown away by her shadow balls and died by the negative energy. Meanwhile at Utan’s location, he was upset with Michaelis.
Utan: How could you not notice that some of the members from that gang were going to attack us?
Michaelis: I’m sorry, Utan.
Utan: It’s alright. We don’t have to worry about them anymore. (stops at his mobile house.) Some day this is.
Utan and Michaelis enter into his house. Utan was shocked to see Kilitia down on the ground.
Utan: Kilitia, are you OK?
Kilitia: (weakly.) It’s here.
Utan: That’s impossible. We defeated that thing three years ago, how was it able to come back? Samari - - -
Samari: I don’t know what happened. She fainted, I don’t know why. (gets out a warm towel and puts it on Kilitia’s head.)
Utan: Ok. (Utan sees a red mark on Kilitia right shoulder. However, it was only visble to Utan.)
Michaelis: What’s wrong with her?
Utan: Outside, Michaelis.
Utan and Michaelis went outside to discuss what happened to Kilitia.
Michaelis: So, was it them?
Utan: Maybe, I’m not so sure.
Michaelis: What are you going to do?
Utan: Let’s leave this to the authorities here. I hope that tomorrow, we can investigate these attacks ourselves.
Michaelis: Ok, I have to go home now.
At the next day, it was 9 am. Utan and Michaelis decide to go see if there were any Angra Maniyu attacks in this area; starting at the amusement park.
Utan: Ok, I’m off now. Be careful.
Kilitia: We will.
Utan heads to Michaelis’s van and drives off to the amusement park, Michaelis was shocked to see a transit bus without a driver. It was heading to them.
Michaelis: Huh!! Where’s the driver?
Utan: Huh?!!! It’s heading for us.
The bus missed them by a few feet. As they were able to drive past the bus, they ran into a yield sign. The bus crashed into someone’s house; there wasn’t anyone in that house.
Utan: Uurghh...
Utan recovers out of his dazed state and wakes Michaelis.
Utan: Michaelis!! Are you alright??
Michaelis: Yes, I’m fine. It’s a good thing I’m wearing a seatbelt. How about you?
Utan: Oh, I’m fine. Let’s check the bus.
Utan and Michaelis rush to the bus. As they entered, they were definitely stunned see nothing but people’s clothes inside, and no traces of their bodies.
Michaelis: Oh my god!!!!
Utan: What on earth is capable of doing this? It’s a --- I don’t even know what’s this is all about. No human could ever do this.
Michaelis: Well, I’m not sure that we’re even safe here.
Utan: It’s settled; we need to head to safety for the time being before help arrives or we’ll end like those people.
Some strange noise startles Utan.
Michaelis: Utan, what is it?
Utan: I hear something.
Michaelis: (looks at Utan weird.) I don’t hear anything.
Utan: Quiet!! I’m not kidding there’s someone or something in this bus!!!
Michaelis: (thinks to himself.) However, I’m feeling something.
Michaelis: (sweating heavily.) I’m felling a dark power.
Utan: Michaelis, what is it?
Michaelis: No.
Utan: Michaelis!!
Michaelis: No!!
Utan: Michaelis!!!!
Michaelis: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
The unknown entity appears and tries swallow Michaelis Rosso.
Utan: MICHAELIS!!!
Utan was able to rescue him. Then, he gets out a light grenade from Michaelis’s front pocket and throws it straight at the unknown entity.
Please no. Why in the world would he be carrying around a grenade.
That was a mess.Michaelis: We have to get out of here!!
Utan and Michaelis were able to escape from the bus in time before it explodes.
Michaelis: That was close.
Utan: I’m glad that you’re all right, Michaelis. (Michaelis faints.) What’s wrong, Michaelis? (he sees that he wasn’t responding.) Michaelis? Michaelis?!! MICHAELIS!!!
So far, it reads like a script done by the nine year old chuunibyou son of a B-movie producer.
Well alright, none of this is properly introduced, and it's incomprehensible. This isn't a Nasuverse story in tone or mechanics.Chapter 2: A Troubled Memoir from the Past
The unknown entity that appeared and almost swallowed Michaelis Rosso seemed to be a vague image of the past. However, he managed to escape from its grasp and rescued Rosso. Samari and Kilitia were outside the demolished bus and shocked to see Utan looking like hell.
Kilitia: Utan. Utan. Utan!!!!
Utan: Huh, what happened?
Samari: The bus is gone.
Utan: I’m sorry.
Kilitia: Why?
Utan: That thing that I saw is the reason why.
Samari: What? Are you - - -
Utan: (annoyed and enraged.) Don’t ask any more questions. Some dangerous creatures are here to devour us. If we don’t leave, we’ll suffer the same fate as the others here. (releases his tense demeanor and looks at Kilita and Samari with faith.) You have to be strong, both of you.
This for our own sake, we have to leave Hawaii and recover.
Kilitia: Yes, I understand.
Samari: Let’s go, brother.
Utan and his sisters, along with Michaelis, drove all over Hawaii to seek help from the dangerous entities. They couldn’t find any people for help. They’ve decided to catch their breath at a desolated amusement park.
Samari: There’s no one here.
Kilitia: I’m scared, Utan.
Utan: No, we have to keep trying to find some survivors here, no matter what it takes to do so.
The same strange noise heard at the bus startles Utan, again.
Utan: Come on, we have to leave this park. (sees that Kilitia was shocked seeing those creatures again.) Let’s go.
Samari and Kilitia followed Utan to safety. Then out of nowhere, the entities appeared and took form of female shades. Then sees Zouken behind Utan.
Zouken: Hello, Utan.
Kilitia: No.
Samari: He’s supposed to be dead.
Zouken: True, you young ladies are just like me now.
Utan: Huh, what are you talking about?!
Zouken: Your sisters happen to be the dangerous entities themselves, you saw those so-called “creatures” destroy and took the lives of the people at the airport.
Kilitia: He is right.
Utan: What? (senses a dark aura within Kilitia and Samari.)
Zouken: You’ve lost. You’ve been a corrupt being ever since you’ve left Japan. Now that we’re here, we can now destroy you. It’s time. Become one with the Angra Maniyu and exterminate Utan.
Utan: What? (Turns around and sees her sisters become corrupted by the Angra Maniyu.) No. No. NOOOOOO!!!!! You bastard!!!
Zouken: (laughs maniacally.) You should feel proud to harvest these beings. After all, you have created them.
Utan: What?!!! How the hell did - - - you - - - - - - Zouken: Prepare to die, Utan.
He had to by using his own natural abilities to escape. Utan used Michaelis’s flash and smoke bombs and runs for cover as the Angra Maniyu spawns were chasing him.
Utan: (breathing heavily.) This is incredible what they did to come all this way just to die. I have to finish this for good.
Utan releases his tense demeanor and begins to activate his projection ability. Zouken felt negative aura flowing out of Utan. He orders the Angra Maniyu to find him.
I quit.Utan: I am the bone of my sword. I have endured pain from many weapons. Destined for greatness. Destined for life. I have escaped death from over a 1000 blades, and yet those hands will never hold either one. Until now, - - - -
The rest of it was a generic Mary Sue fanfic. Nothing to see here.
Last edited by Frostyvale; September 23rd, 2014 at 05:07 PM.
Oh, also, unless are or want to be a real scriptwriter, don't write scripts.
Originally Posted by asterism42
Ok. I guess I would had better off starting from the beginning of how Utan was able to get the power gauntlet and how he was able to defeat the Angra Maniyu there in Hawaii to begin with. this should have worked; I spent almost two years trying to make this.
- - - Updated - - -
I felt like writing in this format was the fastest and economical way I could get this done without using over 500 or more sheets of paper to do so.
then don't write it in paper.
Hamburgers.
(I have a tendency of not finishing things I've started.)
I hang out alot at my own Discord server, though there isn't really much activity in there. The Art Haus Chatterbox!Accepting commissions. Do you want some art done, and do you want it done for cheap? PM me, man, and we can talk.Currently not taking any commissions, sorry!
Yeah don't use typewriters.
Ok, you win. Other than starting over from scratch, is there anyway I can fix "The World's Wrath"?
I... have no words for this, aside from seconding everything that's already been said. Also, making a movie of a fanfic usually means: a) said fanfic belongs to thefranchises, like how Fifty Shades of Grey was once a Twilight fanfic, or b) the author is ridiculously pretentious and believes that his writing is already fit to be shown to the general public. Amateurs usually fall into this trap; but don't worry, they usually get out of it pretty quickly.shittymarketable
Well, I'm sorry to say that it didn't. Now what are you going to do? I would suggest you start reading up on your lore and refine your writing style so it becomes presentable.
Sincerest apologies for being blunt, but as someone who's still a noob at writing Type-MOON, I felt like this needed to be said.
- - - Updated - - -
Unfortunately, no. Too many OC's makes it look like a power fantasy dreamt up by a nine year old. The lack of research also pushes a lot of "do not want" buttons. It's best if you just chalk this one up and move on.
The Night of Warakia
http://1drv.ms/1CihGJp
I've decided to cancel "The Scarred Stars". It's just too tedious for me to continue this project.
As I walk forward as a dedicated writer, I will remain adamant at all costs. I still got other projects to work on.
Last edited by Christopher H2; September 25th, 2014 at 05:25 PM. Reason: I'm through with this project. I'm moving on.
I'm gonna be frank with you. If your intention is to somehow entertain Type Moon fans around here, this story isn't gonna do it. Even just a cursory glance at your cast list and synopsis screams problems. This is not to dissuade you from writing, but one of the problems you just don't seem to inherently understand is that knowing your audience is key. The audience here is
1. Not easily impressed with Grail-related things
2. Not easily impressed with OC-heavy stories
3. Not easily impressed with serious stories that have glaring canon issues
4. Not easily impressed with random made-up powers all for the sake of characters having powers
If you're going to just post it, readers be damned, that's great. You might also have better luck at impressing people on fanfiction.net. But around here, I don't think you're going to get very far unless you address the underlying issues the story has, which Frostyvale brought up very clearly in the other thread.
Localizationing stuff
On the other hand, if you want to, you can give it a shot.
Follow your dreams boy~
Who knows, you might learn a thing or two from it, and I don't think you have anything to lose
But be sure to write this story not for us, but for you.
Because trust me, every criticism will hurt if you take it too much to heart.
But don't ignore it either :P
Last edited by francobull3; September 23rd, 2014 at 03:46 PM.
One true OTP...
That's actually 100% OCs, isn't it.
The exclusively original cast and the profound misunderstanding of how the Nasuverse works (your depiction of "Angra Mainyu" and its inexplicable presence in Hawaii being far and away the worst examples) lead me to believe this is original fiction being shoehorned into a nominally Nasu setting because you want to ensure that block of readership or you don't think your story can succeed on its own.
Take the plunge and take away the Nasuverse window dressing. This is an unrelated story featuring unrelated characters.
Please stop for a moment and think about what you're doing. The previous one, which had problems of such scale as a cast almost entirely composed of OCs with terrible powers unbelievable even for Type-MOON standards, a horrible way to start off the plot, near-zero comprehension of Nasu lore, among other things.
Please take a moment to review the previous thread and see what we commented on your work there. If your new work shares more than even a faint shadow of the original, I suggest you scrap that shit, throw it in the Trash Can of Epic Failures, and move on. Seriously, you'd be doing all of us a massive favor.
...You're not a very good listener, are you?
Do not listen to their lies!
Follow your dreams.
The wish of writing a nasuverse fanfic without the nasuverse might be foolish and hypocritical, but you will pursue it, for it is beautiful.
This is not a mistake.
One true OTP...
Actually this is pretty much a big fat mistake, let's be real for a moment.
He will not end up betrayed by his Ideals and bad reviews like you!
He will become a hero of fanfics.
One true OTP...
Franco, drop the terrible memes for just a second and be real with me.
Yes please. We're righting a wrong, not trampling on someone's dignity. This is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly.
Bah, fine you killjoy >_<
You are right, but still...
Do you really think stopping him will help?
He must learn the pain and suffering that comes from writing badfics himself, no better teacher than experience.
Besides, if he wants to write something, he should, no matter how bad it is.
After all, freedom of speech is essential, and who knows.
He might improve after.
But this is not our choice to make, but his entirely.
So I don't think it is fair to dissuade him from releasing his creativity, no matter how badly it is done.
Last edited by francobull3; September 23rd, 2014 at 06:57 PM.
One true OTP...
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