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Thread: Solar Eclipse

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    Solar Eclipse

    So I've put this off for long enough. This was originally gonna be my entry for Arashi's contest, which I backed out of because of a combination of getting used to a new school environment and just sheer laziness, and before that something I wanted to get out like months ago.

    So as a way to make myself feel worse about not writing more, I felt it was finally time to make it public. I'll try to keep a decent pace but don't get your hopes up

    Chapters:
    Prologue: (In this post)
    Chapter 1: A Promise

    Servants(To be filled out)


    Saber
    ???


    Archer
    ???


    Lancer
    ???


    Rider
    ???


    Berserker
    ???


    Assassin?
    ???


    Caster
    ???



    Now, let us spin that twisted tale once more.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    When the boy came to, there was only fire.


    The blazing inferno covered all that was to see in every direction, devouring men and ruined buildings alike. A primitive force that consumed all with no mercy. And yet he laid there at the epicenter, his body burned, but not broken. He still felt a hint of warmth in his limbs. He could move.

    The boy, recollection of all he was taken by the fire, slowly took his footing. His movements were stiff and clumsy, but he began to walk regardless. But wherever he went, slow as he was, he found no one. No people, only corpses. Only those still trying to help others still remained, and yet, despite their best efforts, could do naught but perish alongside those they wanted to save.

    The child, not even 7 years of age, was unable to help, and helpless himself, and soon, tired legs creaked as they walked with uncertainty towards the last living person he could see; A girl, only a few years younger than himself. Yet as he tried to emulate those brave souls’ folly, walking towards her with her salvation in mind, his legs gave out from exhaustion, and he collapsed onto his shins. What little of his mind could be said to function knew that if he fell now, he would never stand back up.

    He tried, tried and tried again but his legs did not budge. He tried to crawl forward on his hands, and while he moved, it was far too slow. Yet ignoring his exhaustion, he crawled clumsily. Even as those small, innocent hands took hold of the ground and pushed him forward, burning themselves upon the hot ash and dirt beneath them, he did not stop.

    No matter what, he wanted to save this one person.

    “Do you want power?”

    An emotionless and hollow voice rang out in his head, and the child heard it clearly. A voice that promised him power. Power that could be used to save. To save her.

    “If you let me in, just a bit of me, I will give you power. So long as you remain, I will grant you that small wish.”

    Anything. He’d do anything for power. To save her. To differ her fate from all those others. With a tiny nod of his small, tired head, he accepted the voice’s offer.

    “Then use my power and destroy it. Destroy the fire. To save, you must destroy.”

    A warmth filled his limbs, slow and subtle but growing in intensity. With it, he regained his foothold with deliberate, slow motions, and began to limp forward. The fire was still faster than him, however, and he would not make it at this rate.

    So he’d destroy it. Destroy and rebuild it. For that purpose, a single word escaped his mouth.

    “Quench.”

    The fire approaching him stopped, or rather it didn’t. Instead, as it came near him or the girl, it turned to steam, disappearing harmlessly into the air. The fire kept coming, unrelenting in its assault, but all the flames that followed suffered the same fate.

    Amazed at his newfound power, he began to walk once more at his slow, limping pace. The girl was still many meters from him, but he was certain he’d make it. He’d save at least this one person.

    Forward…

    Forward…

    Twenty meters remained between the two. Whatever he had done to the fire help on and defended him and her from all sides against the wrath of nature. He tried to go faster, but his legs were moving as fast as they could already, and yet he barely made a meter every two seconds.

    Forward….

    Faster...

    Ten meters now. From this distance it was possible to see the sheer terror on her face, yet she kept a deathly silence, having perhaps torn her vocal cords already.

    Please...

    Five meters. He was only a dozen lengthy steps away when he suddenly felt soil and tiny pieces of glass collide with his face. He was walking, was he not? So why did the ground collide with his face just now.

    It was only then that he felt it. His legs had given out again, the warmth the voice had given him had been replaced with a deathly cold despite the surrounding fire. His newfound power that held away the fiery death of the outside too had disappeared with.

    The fire he had halted so far flooded forth like a river of red and orange once more, and his parched and dry throat could only let out a scream of silence as it consumed the girl, her voice suddenly returning to her as the flames took hold in her clothes, in her skin and in her eyes.

    Her screams added to the chorus of the inferno that would never leave his mind. Within minutes, she was reduced to little more than a charred corpse.

    Yet as he tried to comprehend the horror before him, and tears that were mere vapor ran down his cheeks, a single question echoed in his mind.

    Why was he not burning?

    The fire kept a safe distance from him, circling him like a she-lion about to pounce, and yet it never came. It was as if taunting him, the hopeless boy laying with his face in the dirt, letting him simmer in the guilt of his failure before devouring him.

    Minutes, hours, days, he did know how much time passed, but they did not come closer. Either he kept them at bay subconsciously with what might be left of his new power, or perhaps it was merely a chance of fate?

    But as if time suddenly started again, they died out. He didn't know why, but he felt it, in his mind's eye. Something greater, grander than anything in the world, was coming, and the flames had given way to it's superiority. A great gale summoned by a hero's footstep blew them to ashes as if they were never there to begin with. The boy’s eyes followed the sound, and a sight he would've never imagined came before him.

    Before him stood the tall man he would come to know as Kotomine Kirei, and by his side, a radiant blonde man wrapped in a sheet of red cloth, staring down at him.

    Was it pity? Disgust? Sympathy?

    The boy did not know until the brown-haired man knelt down and inspected him. His features were unreadable, as if he was observing the thing he treasured the most in the world and and a meaningless existence at once.

    “We will be taking this one with us, Archer.” His voice was naturally booming even as its speaker was composed and calm, as it referred to the stranger standing by his side.

    “Have you gone mad from being in this place, Kirei? Why waste such effort on one rat when you could simply have it join the others?” Unlike his companion, the golden-haired man spoke at a volume that bordered on shouting, a voice that could not be denied.

    “This one is… different. I would imagine that difference is why he has not yet been turned to ashes despite being here. Call it a whim”, replied the kneeling man sounding both pleading, bored and yet somehow… excited.

    “Hmph, do as you wish, but do not expect me to help you groom this brat, nor to refrain from painting the walls with him if he bothers me”, the man referred to as Archer scoffed at his companion in a voice that held a size amount of loathing.

    “Of course. The responsibility shall lie entirely with me”, the one called Kirei said with an enigmatic smirk as he picked up the confused child, holding him in his pair of muscular arms somewhat like a newborn.

    The relief of the fire’s disappearance washed over the boy, causing his consciousness to slip away, as the adrenaline in him faded, comforted by the arms of the one who would save him, and soon, he was lulled into a gentle sleep as Kirei and his companion began to walk away from the wasteland.

    Thus, the life of one Shirou Kotomine began.
    Last edited by Christemo; December 24th, 2014 at 10:24 PM.

  2. #2
    夜属 Nightkin Skylar's Avatar
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    A Shirou KOTOMINE fanfic :O I'll definitely read this.

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    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    If this sounds aggro, preemptive apologies, but sell me on subbing this in that the Shirou Kotomine concept seems fairly straightforward and that I've yet to see a truly engaging flair on it.
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


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    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One Kat's Avatar
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    Sounds decent to me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hong Kong Walmart View Post
    If this sounds aggro, preemptive apologies, but sell me on subbing this in that the Shirou Kotomine concept seems fairly straightforward and that I've yet to see a truly engaging flair on it.
    I understand possible concerns but it's not the only change to the F/SN cast I have made. Your worry has been taken to heart.

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    The Best Kind of P.C. Megas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Christemo View Post
    I understand possible concerns but it's not the only change to the F/SN cast I have made. Your worry has been taken to heart.
    I look forward to Kung Fu Shinji and Voodoo Master Sakura
    Come visit Mobius Space where
    quite rarely
    translators gather
    and post Type-Moon stuff

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheMegas View Post
    I look forward to Kung Fu Shinji and Voodoo Master Sakura
    Im not saying its going to happen

    but thats great im stealing it

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    The Long-Forgotten Sight Rafflesiac's Avatar
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    I look forward to future events.

    Could this have been the Grail War that would've beaten all of the other Grail War ideas in the contest? Stay tuned!
    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    canon finish apo vol 3

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    To clarify further in regards to Leo's concern, I'm aware this is a pretty standard concept. Shirou Kotomine has been done before (even by actual TM authors but in a different way than is done in regards to Kirei being an adopting parent), Grail War fics have certainly been done before, but I'll say as much in regards to future chapters that with this I in part want to introduce readers to a part of the Nasuverse currently a bit shunned (Apocrypha, for those who haven't clued in) upon by using characters from it.

    I'm not particularly striving for originality, I've never been good at that, but I at least want to write something that then has the benefit of good execution, which I think trumps any level of creativity.

    With that in mind, I'll post Chapter "1" since I already have it ready.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Kirei’s eyes ran over another meaningless paper sent from the Association as the clock on the wall’s arms displayed two in the morning. He had never had need for much sleep, but the idea of retiring from his monotonous work early tonight was tempting. He had done nothing but fill out paperwork and occasionally eating for the last three days.

    When he was not staring down another thousand rows of letters, he had welcomed in the very few Masters that had come to confirm themselves so far. Only the Einzbern homunculus, the Tohsaka he had served for as guardian, his own adoptive son and a familiar Enforcer had shown themselves so far with the brand of the Grail, with no word from the Matous, though he was sure the old worm would eventually squirm out of his hole in the ground.

    Out of those, only the Einzbern had come with Command Spells and an actual Servant, a monster of a Berserker that at the very least rivaled, if not far exceeded the previous one in strength. He couldn’t get any proper details from the girl about the giant, for truth be told he had only seen it when the child had made a hollow threat about not getting in her way while the giant looked at him menacingly.

    Kirei did not fear anything, at least as far as he knew, but the giant’s intimidating glare had still made small drops of cold sweat appear on his brow. He knew in his mind that he did not fear the giant, but perhaps it was his body’s way of telling him that no matter how strong he was, the girl’s protector could squash him with a single finger before his own companion could come to his aid, should she desire it.

    Sealing the three-dozenth letter to the Mage’s Association with his guarantee that he had things perfectly under control, Kirei heard a knocking on the door to the church. His office had a convenient structural defect that made any sound in the chapel perfectly audible to the room.

    Knocking on a public building’s door was strange in and off itself, though it may simply have been because of the late hour. Kirei left his desk, making his way into the church proper.

    “Come in. The church accepts all even in these hours.” His own faith in God was questionable to those who knew him, but Kirei naturally had to put up his required front as both a priest and the Observer of the Holy Church.

    At his invitation, the double-door’s right side made a creaking sound as a pale hand pushed it open, in through which walked a mass of unkempt blue hair. His visitor’s eyes were a deep purple, and coupled with his mouth ever curved into a mild smirk, he resembled a snake more than a man.

    He brandished a black cane decorated with an obsidian head, smaller but similar to that of Kirei’s mentor, and was clad in a white and gold uniform with a long cape that nearly scraped along the ground.

    But none of those features mattered to the priest. He could sense it even at a distance of six meters. The man before him ​radiated prana, not in an amount that would disturb someone that was not a Magus, but enough that any magic-user and all those with good instincts could notice it from this distance.

    “Good evening, Kirei. I trust I am not disturbing you?” His accent was practically nonexistent, Japanese fluent to the point where Kirei couldn’t place where the clearly Eurasian man might come from. A thick veil of composure gave nothing away.

    It was beyond a doubt that the man before him was well-informed. Knowing the name of the war’s Observer without ever meeting him was no small feat. Kirei knew he was not a particularly public figure.

    As Kirei contemplated this, the bluenette in the almost militaristic white uniform entered the church proper, walking through the lines of pews.

    “There should be no issue. To whom do I owe the pleasure?” His answer both concise yet welcoming. Kirei’s own composure was naturally as impenetrable as iron, his eyes like a lamp without light, a flat dark surface that betrayed no emotion.

    “Ah, my apologies, I forget my manners at times. I am Darnic Prestone Yggdmillenia, Lord of the Yggdmillenia,” The blue-haired man lifted his left hand to above his shoulder, showing off a trio of red spears colored by prana as his smirk curved slightly upward, “and the Master of Lancer in this great Holy Grail War.”

    Yggdmillenia. It was a name anyone who knew of the Association’s political scene would recognize. A group of young, dying or dead Magus families who pooled their research in hopes of reaching the Root, focused primarily around their fortress in a Romanian country town, yet also spread around the globe.

    But reports on them clearly indicated that they were far from their goal. Only a handful of first-rate Magi had existed in their long history, and evidence suggested that none of those were alive in the present.

    Like the prodigal Archibald of the last war whose death nearly caused the downfall of the El-Melloi faction, perhaps this man too was here to prove his mettle to the Lords.

    Lost in his own thoughts, Kirei had not noticed until now that the Magus before him was holding out a hand in good faith. He reached out and gave a sloppy handshake, contrasting with Darnic’s firm one.

    “Your participation is noted. Do you have any further inquiry, Lord Yggdmillenia? The hour is late, but I can make time if you have any questions regarding the War you find yourself in.”

    He left the option open, but he did not expect an actual response. The emotion that the cane-branching man radiated more than anything else was self-assurance. Experience had told him he was particularly good at knowing people, so he trusted this instinct.

    “I am aware of how the War is run, so I have no questions for you to answer, but I do have a… let’s call it a proposition. One I think will be quite to your liking.”

    The snake-like man said something both expected and yet not so. He was not one to be bribed, but merely to entertain his guest, he would hear him out. He maintained his aura of unreachable aloofness for the moment.

    “Oh? And what would this proposition involve? I can assure you I have no need for anything of monetary value.”

    “Don’t be foolish now. I know that no Church agent would do things for material gain, however I do believe I have your best interests in mind.” Darnic replied immediately with a condescending toss of a hand. The Church had never been bargainers, and only at the best of times could they be called negotiable with. But a little bird had told him that one Kirei Kotomine wasn’t quite so zealous.

    “Now tell me, how do you feel about one Zouken Matou? Because I have an acquaintance I feel would do much better as a Master than that shriveled bag of insects or his heirs.”

    Kirei’s surprise was brief, before the emotionless expression of his face and mind both turned into a cruel smirk, mirroring that of his conversation partner. He felt the that the two of them would get along splendidly.

    “Go on.”
    Last edited by Christemo; December 23rd, 2014 at 09:15 PM.

  10. #10
    The Long-Forgotten Sight Rafflesiac's Avatar
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    “Ah, my apologies, I forget my manners at times. I am Darnic Prestone Yggdmillenia, Lord of the Yggdmillenia”
    Missing a period.


    And Darnic's making Kirei an offer very much amenable to him, it seems. I wonder what the outcome will be?
    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    canon finish apo vol 3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rafflesiac View Post
    Missing a period.
    It was supposed to be the description following that being simultaneous to the sentence spoken, which is why the second quote in the paragraph starts with an "and".

    But if that's incorrect or drives people up the wall I'll add the period.
    Last edited by Christemo; December 23rd, 2014 at 09:11 PM.

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    The Long-Forgotten Sight Rafflesiac's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Christemo View Post
    It was supposed to be the description following that being simultaneous to the sentence spoken, which is why the second quote in the paragraph starts with an "and".

    But if that's incorrect or drives people up the wall I'll add the period.
    In that case, "the" wouldn't be capitalized and it would need a comma.
    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    canon finish apo vol 3

  13. #13
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Grant's Avatar
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    Despite being done already, this version seems to be written well and there are some changes that set it apart from the rest. Worth watching for more.

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    Literacy LoyaltL's Avatar
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    I'll be hanging around.

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    闇色の六王 ~ ♡ Renko's Avatar
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    Hm. I'll be seeing this if it's good.

    "......"

    Quote Originally Posted by Thedoctor View Post
    Why can't we all be as sexually devious as Renko?

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    "I really loathe Fanfictions that are so horrendously horrible, it makes me want to go get my massive NAIL BAT OF RAPTURE and swing it real HARD to any AUTHOR who will dare create such filthy and disgusting piece of literature!"

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  16. #16
    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One Kat's Avatar
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    Definitely I will follow his fic.

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    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One Siriel's Avatar
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    Interesting, at least what was shown so far.

    But Darnic probably shouldn't be calling him Kirei if it's the first time they meet. I actually thought they were already partners at first because of the familiarity that implies.
    Last edited by Siriel; December 25th, 2014 at 02:04 AM.
    Ragnarok, come day of wrath
    That fallen souls might bear our plea.
    To hasten the Divine's return.
    O piteous Wanderer.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Siriel View Post
    Interesting, at least what was shown so far.

    But Darnic probably shouldn't be calling him Kirei if it's the first time they meet. I actually thought they were already partners at first because of the familiarity that implies.
    I was going by the fact that despite the fact that Darnic is fluent in Japanese, he is still used to western manners and so calls people by their first name.

    And I'm happy to hear you like it.

  19. #19
    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One Siriel's Avatar
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    I actually wasn't even talking about Japanese conventions. I don't think a man aspiring to be nobility who is the leader of a still fairly traditionalist organization would walk up to someone who is technically in a position of authority that they've never met before and address them by their first name.

    It is nitpicking though.
    Ragnarok, come day of wrath
    That fallen souls might bear our plea.
    To hasten the Divine's return.
    O piteous Wanderer.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Siriel View Post
    I actually wasn't even talking about Japanese conventions. I don't think a man aspiring to be nobility who is the leader of a still fairly traditionalist organization would walk up to someone who is technically in a position of authority that they've never met before and address them by their first name.

    It is nitpicking though.
    Noted, though I'm not sure I'll edit it in. I have a divergence point for Darnic from one of the newer translation batches that makes just a tad difference in regards to how he ended up, and how he ended up not napping the Grail.

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