View Poll Results: What do you think af this story?

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Thread: Fate/Stay Night: Across time

  1. #41
    夜属 Nightkin
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    Okay, leaving the middle English aside, I thought I had improved at least some of those issues, somewhat.

  2. #42
    Sakura~ SINIB's Avatar
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    You have some, but you still have a long way to go. Also, the concept is frankly fucking horrible.

    - - - Updated - - -

    No offense meant, I just don't see a good reason to mince my words.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vagrant View Post
    SINIB is already a fan of the best whore. Well, she's not a whore per se, but I have it on good authority that she moves like an experienced prostitute.

  3. #43
    夜属 Nightkin
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    Any ideas on how to improve on the characterization?

  4. #44
    Sakura~ SINIB's Avatar
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    Not really.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Sorry.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vagrant View Post
    SINIB is already a fan of the best whore. Well, she's not a whore per se, but I have it on good authority that she moves like an experienced prostitute.

  5. #45
    夜属 Nightkin
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    By the way, how many chapters have you read?

  6. #46
    Sakura~ SINIB's Avatar
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    All of them, it is better than before, but it's still just bad. I'm sorry.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vagrant View Post
    SINIB is already a fan of the best whore. Well, she's not a whore per se, but I have it on good authority that she moves like an experienced prostitute.

  7. #47
    夜属 Nightkin
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    Hey, Kat. I see you are still online. Do you have anything to share about mu fanfic? That is, if you have read some of it, of course.

  8. #48
    夜属 Nightkin
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    Do you think that this story can still be saved?

  9. #49
    紅魔|吸血鬼 Frostyvale's Avatar
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    No. The premise itself is unviable.

  10. #50
    夜属 Nightkin
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    Made some changes to chapter 2. Mostly the dialogues. Dropped the mid English, but some people still speak with ye/yer as to give them a more informal way of speaking. Other chapters will follow.

    To FV: Is time travel that bad a premise? I would say that is something of a personal opinion.

  11. #51
    紅魔|吸血鬼 Frostyvale's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FSNdeluxe View Post
    To FV: Is time travel that bad a premise? I would say that is something of a personal opinion.
    In the setting of the Nasuverse, it is a shaky if not impossible premise. Time travel in general wreaks all sorts of nonsense onto a story's plotline.

    The execution is not good enough (This is an opinion.) to make up for the innate flaws of the premise, and in fact serves to highlight them.

  12. #52
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    I'd reccomend you try something less—ambitious— next time.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vagrant View Post
    SINIB is already a fan of the best whore. Well, she's not a whore per se, but I have it on good authority that she moves like an experienced prostitute.

  13. #53
    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One Kat's Avatar
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    Pretty much you need to work on the execution part, as Frosty said. It's good sign though, IMHO, that you are asking for feedback already instead of insisting on staying like you are now.

  14. #54
    Sakura~ SINIB's Avatar
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    That's the reason I offered my critique, because he wants to improve.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vagrant View Post
    SINIB is already a fan of the best whore. Well, she's not a whore per se, but I have it on good authority that she moves like an experienced prostitute.

  15. #55
    夜属 Nightkin
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    To FV: So would you suggest that I drop the story entirely?

    By the way, I have updated chapter 2, as previously mentioned. Mostly dialogue changes. Could you take a look and tell me what you think of it?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Does anyone have a suggestion as to how I could improve on the execution part?
    Last edited by FSNdeluxe; February 6th, 2015 at 05:59 PM.

  16. #56
    紅魔|吸血鬼 Frostyvale's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FSNdeluxe View Post
    To FV: So would you suggest that I drop the story entirely?

    By the way, I have updated chapter 2, as previously mentioned. Mostly dialogue changes. Could you take a look and tell me what you think of it?
    It reads more smoothly due to the revised dialogue. Parsing Middle English into English is really quite a turn off for a reader.

    Does anyone have a suggestion as to how I could improve on the execution part?
    Yes. As far as I've seen, your English prose is weak overall in a number of minor ways. Correcting every issue for you would probably prevent you from understanding the mistakes you're making now. I suggest first that you try to read more fiction from good authors. The more you read, the more comfortable you'll get with the general conventions of the language. This set of skills is fairly essential, so it would be very valuable for you to sharpen it.

    Then, I guess you'd have to go over the structure of plot and character. Most high-school literature classes will cover the broad strokes of this, and I'd suggest that you structure your first few stories around a basic plot diagram. Have an idea of how you're going to start and finish before you even begin writing.

    Subtlety and specific introduction of details is also important, but that's based on your comprehension of what information you want to give the reader at what time. I don't think anybody can tell you how to do this, since it's a matter of what you intend to convey, but you should have a strong image of the final impression of your prose.

    Read over your story once or twice. Ask yourself how it made you feel, and how it's different from other people's writing.

  17. #57
    夜属 Nightkin
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    I will do that. And I will try to improve this story in time and maybe turn it into something more decent, even though you said that premise was a bad one.

    By the way, in FH A there was the incident with Tohsaka's failed experiment (with the mutiple demensions) and the time loop. Taking this into account, does it really make the premise look that bad.
    I mean, travelling to other dimensions is pretty serious stuff, as is the time loop. Or did I miss something?

    PS: Can you recommend a good fiction to read?
    Last edited by FSNdeluxe; February 6th, 2015 at 06:29 PM.

  18. #58
    紅魔|吸血鬼 Frostyvale's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FSNdeluxe View Post
    I will do that. And I will try to improve this story in time and maybe turn it into something more decent, even though you said that premise was a bad one.

    By the way, in FH A there was the incident with Tohsaka's failed experiment (with the mutiple demensions) and the time loop. Taking this into account, does it really make the premise look that bad.

    I mean, travelling to other dimensions is pretty serious stuff, as is the time loop. Or did I miss something?
    Hollow Ataraxia is all a dream. Its details could be true, but the situation itself is something that can't normally happen. The loop is just a dream.

    PS: Can you recommend a good fiction to read?
    Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin.

    It's long enough that it'll be the only book recommendation you need for a while.

  19. #59
    夜属 Nightkin
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    Okay, Loop aside, there is still the thing about travelling between alternate realities (Zeltrech Schweinorg).

    Oh, yeah. I have already read GoT... in dutch that is. But I have some other goood english books (from starcraft and the legend of Drizzt (dung & drag)).

    PS: I don't remember if I have asked this before, but how good was I at depicting their personalities (mostly concerning Bedivere, Gawain, Arturia and Shirou)?

  20. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by FSNdeluxe View Post
    Okay, Loop aside, there is still the thing about travelling between alternate realities (Zeltrech Schweinorg).
    That's Magic. It's best to stay away from Magic.

    Oh, yeah. I have already read GoT... in dutch that is. But I have some other goood english books (from starcraft and the legend of Drizzt (dung & drag)).
    Read it again in English, then. Anything is fine as long as it's proper English.

    PS: I don't remember if I have asked this before, but how good was I at depicting their personalities (mostly concerning Bedivere, Gawain, Arturia and Shirou)?
    The plot is so strange that everyone might as well be out of character.

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