Okay, my plot maybe strange, but are they out of character? I frequently read parts of the VN's to study their personalities and I am trying to remain faithful to them.
TO SINIB: Has the dialogue improved somewhat, in your opinion? (chapter 2)
Very Good
Good
Average
Bad
Very Bad
Okay, my plot maybe strange, but are they out of character? I frequently read parts of the VN's to study their personalities and I am trying to remain faithful to them.
TO SINIB: Has the dialogue improved somewhat, in your opinion? (chapter 2)
I haven't read it yet.
Originally Posted by Vagrant
Okay! Made some changes/corrections to the prologue. Perhaps you want to chack them out. Let me know what you think.
But before you say anything, no, I have not yet discerned in which ways my English prose is lacking, so ...
I am currently reading some english literature, but I have some trouble finding out what I am doing wrong exactly. This could take a while.
And once again: Do I manage to stay faithful to the characters original personalities in your opinion?
Issues: tense. Stay consistent with the past tense, since this is a multi-perspective story. Furthermore OC characters aren't needed. It would be better to use canon characters from the Association and Church. Look up the Masters from Fate/Apocrypha and Strange Fake if you need them.
The Church and Association characters are cooperating too smoothly. They don't seem to have personalities of their own. The characters themselves are somewhat bland, and are acting more like cliches than anything. That's what I could see so far.
I'll look into that. I will also try to make the church and association less cooperative. The OC's in the prologue will not return in the story, outside a few mentions maybe. They are just there to help with the introduction, so to speak. But I will think about making them more interesting, regardless.
And when I asked about their personalities, I meant the ones from the canon. I mearly wanted to know if you, and anyybody else for that matter, thinks if I managed to stay true to their personalities if you compare them with the canon. I frequently rewatch scenes from the VN's, but I find it not so simple to bring out their personalities.
Last edited by FSNdeluxe; February 7th, 2015 at 05:29 PM.
The dialogue sounds very stilted. Even if the content matches what Shirou and the rest would say, its presentation isn't correct, so it seems wooden. That's probably why they don't seem in character.
I was afraid of that. Think I might be trying to hard in that aspect, maybe? Can you give me some advise regarding that.
Also, you said I was weak with my English prose in various minor ways. I am trying to figure out what is excactly, but I find it difficult to discern it.
Could you give an example? Currently, I believe that it has something to do with things like mixing up then/than and placing of the comma (,).
Yes.
These are very small mistakes made by people who confuse the various grammatical homophones, and is a problem when you're more used to hearing English than reading it. Just be more careful when you write, and think about the meaning of every word before you put it down.
Thought so. Anything else I should pay attention to? I reckon also some bad structuring of sentences?
BTW: What did you think of my added explanation of why the church and Magus Ass. don't mess with the portals?
TO EVERYONE: Any advise as to how I could make my conversations more fluid and how to maintain the canon personalities?
Pattern of conversation:
Person A said "A statement of information + opinion."
Person B replied "A reaction to that information, and a response that considers the opinion presented."
Word choices based on the personality of the character speaking.
Rinse and repeat.
I have watched part of the VN again and have tried to addept my dialogue a little accordingly. Here is a fragment. Tell me what you think.
“Say, Shirou, have you been sleeping in the shed again?” Fujimura asked after they finished breakfast.
“Well uh ....yeah.” Shirou loves fixing things and the shed is were he collects all the old and broken stuff to fix. “Sorry about that, but I love fixing stuff and if I fix them inside the house it would cause a mess. You know that.”
“Uhm … you shouldn't do that, senpai. It is rather cold to be sleeping in the shed this time of the year.”
“Not really. A bit chilly, but still tolerable. No need to worry.” Shirou gave her a reassuring smile. “I won't get sick that easily.”
“That's right. I don't recall Shirou ever getting sick. He simply doesn't get sick like normal people do. Hehehe.” Fujimura laughed.
“Is that right? Are you saying that I'm something else than human, Fuji-Nee?”
“Who knows?” Fujimura grinned. “But regardless, Sakura-chan is right. You really should stop doing that.”
“Alright, alright. I promise that I will try to return to my room before I fall asleep. Okay, Fuji-nee?” Fujimura gave Shirou a skeptical glare and sighed.
“We shall see. Ohh, it's almost seven o'clock. Come on, Sakura-chan, or we'll be late for morning practice.”
“Alright, Fujimura-sensei.” Sakura stood up and made her way to the hallway. “See you later, Senpai.”
“Okay, see you later. And remember, I will be returning late tonight.”
“Yes, Senpai. I shall leave something to eat for you.”
“That would be helpful. Thank you, Sakura.”
“And Shirou, my grandfather asked if you could pay him a visit. His bike is acting up a little. So he would like you to take a look at it sometime this week, Okay? And don't be late. See you later!” Fujimura jelled before closing the door.
Last edited by FSNdeluxe; February 7th, 2015 at 08:22 PM.
Okay.
Call Taiga Taiga in narration.“Say, Shirou, have you been sleeping in the shed again?” Fujimura asked after they finished breakfast.
No need to infodump that Shirou fixes things in the narration. Show it, don't tell it.“Well uh ....yeah.” Shirou loves fixing things and the shed is were he collects all the old and broken stuff to fix. “Sorry about that, but I love fixing stuff and if I fix them inside the house it would cause a mess. You know that.”
The second sentence is awkward. "The shed is too cold to sleep in at this time of the year." is another option.“Uhm … you shouldn't do that, senpai. It is rather cold to be sleeping in the shed this time of the year.”
This is alright. Add an "It's" to the beginning of the second sentence.“Not really. A bit chilly, but still tolerable. No need to worry.” Shirou gave her a reassuring smile. “I won't get sick that easily.”
This is alright.“That's right. I don't recall Shirou ever getting sick. He simply doesn't get sick like normal people do. Hehehe.” Fujimura laughed.
This is alright.“Is that right? Are you saying that I'm something else than human, Fuji-Nee?”
This is pretty much directly from the VN so I don't actually have very much to say about it.“Who knows?” Fujimura grinned. “But regardless, Sakura-chan is right. You really should stop doing that.”
“Alright, alright. I promise that I will try to return to my room before I fall asleep. Okay, Fuji-nee?” Fujimura gave Shirou a skeptical glare and sighed.
“We shall see. Ohh, it's almost seven o'clock. Come on, Sakura-chan, or we'll be late for morning practice.”
“Alright, Fujimura-sensei.” Sakura stood up and made her way to the hallway. “See you later, Senpai.”
“Okay, see you later. And remember, I will be returning late tonight.”
“Yes, Senpai. I shall leave something to eat for you.”
“That would be helpful. Thank you, Sakura.”
“And Shirou, my grandfather asked if you could pay him a visit. His bike is acting up a little. So he would like you to take a look at it sometime this week, Okay? And don't be late. See you later!” Fujimura jelled before closing the door.
Here is another piece of dialogue for review. What do you think?
“Yo, Shirou. How are you this morning. Everything going well, I hope?”
“Just fine, Issei.” Shirou replied casually. “And how about you? How are things at the temple?”
Issei is the successor of the Ryuudou Temple and Shirou's friend for 2 years now.
He can be described as serious and diligent. He also asks for Shirou to fix broken school equipment on a regular basis to save money on the school's bill.
“Nothing noteworthy. All is peaceful and good. Katsu.” Issei replied with a solemn expression, adjusting his glasses. “By the way Shirou, there is some equipment that broke down again. Could you have a look at it? It is too much to do all of it now, so ...”
“Sorry, but I have to work at my part-time jobs. It was arranged two weeks ago and I'll probably return home late tonight too.”
“Hmm. I understand. We have a little more than an hour before classes start. Enough for one or two repairs, so go and get your tools. Our first stop is the multi-media room.”
During the next hour Shirou repaired a projector in the multi-media room and a stove from the art club. When it was almost time for class, they walked swiftly to their classroom, but then they encountered Tohsaka Rin in the hallway. She is regarded as the schools number one idol and is admired by every boy in school. And that includes Emiya Shirou. She was really beautiful, with her long black hair and blue eyes.
“Gasp!! Tohsaka!” Issei's mood plummeted. He is the only person in school that doesn't like Tohsaka.
“Good morning, Ryuudou-kun.” Tohsaka greeted him casually while brushing through her hair. “Hmmm. Who's you're friend here? I recall seeing you two with each other frequently.”
“Good morning, Tohsaka-san. I am Emiya Shirou from class 2-C. How are you.”
“Good, thanks for asking, Emiya-kun. Class 2-C? Ah, your Ryuudou-kun's classmate? I see. So how are you today, Issei?”
“I'm fine, Tohsaka. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll be late for homeroom.” Issei shot her an annoyed glare.
“Come on. Shirou let's get to class before we catch some of Tohsaka's evil.” Issei gave Shirou a push in the back. Tohsaka looked on calmly as they walked passed her.
“Hey, Issei. That was rather rude!”
“Perhaps. But is for the better. I won't let her work her evil on you.” Before they entered class, Shirou noticed something lying on the floor. It looked like a red notebook.
“Issei, you can go inside already. I'll be right there.”
“Okay, but hurry up.”
Shirou went and picked up the notebook. Upon closer examining the notebook, he saw Tohsaka's name written on it. Shirou looked down the hallway, but he couldn't see Tohsaka anywhere. She's probably already in class.
“I'll return it to her, the next time I see her.” He murmured and went to class.
Last edited by FSNdeluxe; February 11th, 2015 at 07:21 PM.
What do you think of this piece of dialogue. Is it an impovement?
Last edited by FSNdeluxe; February 11th, 2015 at 07:22 PM.
I am currently trying to improve my dialogues, so it would be useful if someone could comment on my current changes.
Doesn't sound like Issei.
Bad exposition.Issei is the successor of the Ryuudou Temple and Shirou's friend for 2 years now.
He can be described as serious and diligent. He also asks for Shirou to fix broken school equipment on a regular basis to save money on the school's bill.
Don't type his verbal tic.“Nothing noteworthy. All is peaceful and good. Katsu.”
Structure of the sentence is awkward.Issei replied with a solemn expression, adjusting his glasses. “By the way Shirou, there is some equipment that broke down again. Could you have a look at it? It is too much to do all of it now, so ...”
He has only one job.“Sorry, but I have to work at my part-time jobs. It was arranged two weeks ago and I'll probably return home late tonight too.”
Don't switch between the present and past tenses. Stick to one.During the next hour Shirou repaired a projector in the multi-media room and a stove from the art club. When it was almost time for class, they walked swiftly to their classroom, but then they encountered Tohsaka Rin in the hallway. She is regarded as the schools number one idol and is admired by every boy in school. And that includes Emiya Shirou. She was really beautiful, with her long black hair and blue eyes.
Don't say obvious things. Don't type "gasp".“Gasp!! Tohsaka!” Issei's mood plummeted. He is the only person in school that doesn't like Tohsaka.
Wrong your.“Good morning, Ryuudou-kun.” Tohsaka greeted him casually while brushing through her hair. “Hmmm. Who's you're friend here? I recall seeing you two with each other frequently.”
Super stilted.“Good morning, Tohsaka-san. I am Emiya Shirou from class 2-C. How are you.”
Wrong you're.“Good, thanks for asking, Emiya-kun. Class 2-C? Ah, your Ryuudou-kun's classmate? I see. So how are you today, Issei?”
Sounds bad.“Come on. Shirou let's get to class before we catch some of Tohsaka's evil.” Issei gave Shirou a push in the back. Tohsaka looked on calmly as they walked passed her.
Pay more attention to grammar and the words you use.
I corrected the dialogue. I wasn't really sure about that last bit though. The 'jobs' was merely a typo. By the way, is that verbal tike really that bad? Cause Issei does use it.
I have to say, I am a bit frustrated by how I keep making these same/simple mistakes.
One more thing. Have you had a chanche to look at chapter 2 and 3 yet?
“Good morning, Shirou. How are you this morning. Everything going well, I hope?”
“Just fine, Issei.” Shirou replied casually. “And how about you? How are things at the temple?”
Issei is the successor of the Ryuudou Temple and Shirou's friend for 2 years now. As the student council president, he also asks Shirou to fix broken school equipment on a regular basis to save money on the school's bill.
“Nothing noteworthy. All is peaceful and good.” Issei replied with a solemn expression while he adjusted his glasses. “By the way, there is some equipment that broke down again. Could you have a look at it? It is too much to do all of it now, so ...”
“Sorry, but I have to work at my part-time job. It was arranged two weeks ago and I'll probably return home late tonight too.”
“Hmm. I understand. We have a little more than an hour before classes start. Enough for one or two repairs, so go and get your tools. Our first stop is the multi-media room.”
During the next hour Shirou repaired a projector in the multi-media room and a stove from the art club. When it was almost time for class, they walked swiftly to their classroom, but then they encountered Tohsaka Rin in the hallway. She was regarded as the schools number one idol and was admired by every boy in school. And that includes Emiya Shirou. She was really beautiful, with her long black hair and blue eyes.
“Gah! Tohsaka!” Issei's mood plummeted.
“Good morning, Ryuudou-kun.” Tohsaka greeted him casually while brushing through her hair. “Hmmm. Who's your friend here? I recall seeing you two with each other frequently.”
“Good morning, Tohsaka-san. I am Emiya Shirou, one of Issei's classmates. How are you?”
“Good, thanks for asking, Emiya-kun. So you're Ryuudou-kun's classmate? I see. So how are you today, Issei?”
“I'm fine, Tohsaka. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll be late for homeroom.” Issei shot her an annoyed glare. “Come on, Shirou. Let's get to class before we catch some of Tohsaka's evil.” Tohsaka looked on calmly as they walked passed her.
“Hey, Issei. That was rather rude!”
“Perhaps. But is for the better. I won't let her work her evil on you.” Before they entered class, Shirou noticed something lying on the floor. It looked like a red notebook.
“Issei, you can go inside already. I'll be right there.”
“Okay, but hurry up.”
Shirou went and picked up the notebook. Upon closer examining the notebook, he saw Tohsaka's name written on it. Shirou looked down the hallway, but he couldn't see Tohsaka anywhere. She's probably already in class.
“I'll return it to her, the next time I see her.” He murmured and went to class.
Nothing is happening. Why do you care? People are doing mundane things in a boring manner that nobody else cares about. Make something happen. ACTION, EXCITEMENT. Happen.
^^He has Frosty afaik.
I have somebody to beta, aside from FV that is. My first beta reader had more important things to do (I am not talking about FV here). But yeah, I did post this a bit prematurely. Mostly out of curiosity of what people thought about it and to get some additional feedback. every bit helps.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
