Create-A-Servant 2

[Express]

Please refer yourself to Hermes' blogpost on how to balance Servants.

[Kabalisto Koga]

I think it's the main problem you have, Koga. It's okay to give your characters your personal touch, but in my opinion, you rely too much on that rather than on the character's lore and give them powers totally unrelated or excessively strong

okay as i made Saphadin i was inspird and that he is ability wise a combi of Emiya-Amakusa Shirou and Little bit of Jeanne.
but aside that how do you find this Profil?

[King of Padoru]

I... I can't answer you without being mean... I'll let the veterans give their opinion if they want to do it...

[Bird of Hermes]

I don’t have it in me this late to do a full review akin to NMR-3 so I’ll be short and blunt:

• You threw around +/- modifiers around all over the place without much reason to them. It comes across like you don’t know how they work.
• You still have romaji littered throughout the sheet despite other saying their views on it.
• Formatting is a little better but grammar is still a major issue.
• 3rd skill is a Needless EX rank and their religion is different as are their rites so the sheet suffers for it
• The NP’s have no justification behind them and could me across as rip offs of Medea and Amakusa Shirou.

There’s inspiration, then there’s copying without understanding why it was done to begin with.

[Historia]

okay as i made Saphadin i was inspird and that he is ability wise a combi of Emiya-Amakusa Shirou and Little bit of Jeanne.
but aside that how do you find this Profil?

I... I can't answer you without being mean... I'll let the veterans give their opinion if they want to do it...

Okay.

It's shit.

[MehKitteh]

As a half-Moslem, half-Madoka-believer, I conclude that this Moslemaic Rites do not exist.

At least, we don't call it that.

[Kabalisto Koga]

As a half-Moslem, half-Madoka-believer, I conclude that this Moslemaic Rites do not exist.

At least, we don't call it that.

Well after some researches i got the Impression that something like that must have existed and that it is similar like Medeas Magecraft a in modern times extinct form of Magecraft and i was following a similar but more complex Diversity/Pattern as Hassans Protection of the Divine Wind and his two Magical Daggers should also make a indirect Dependence of the paradoxity of the modern Islam .i will post later a Story where it is explained more directly...

[the god of world-0]

This is the sort of thing you want to be more precise about, and dont just come up with stuff because you think is cool.

[Express]

The real question is if Saphadin is this wanked, how strong is Saladin himself supposed to be.
It's like making Iphicles on par with Cu or somebody, just because he's Herk's brother.

[the god of world-0]

Saladin has to be on pair with richard since they once hunt Dead apostle one time.

[Kabalisto Koga]

This is the sort of thing you want to be more precise about, and dont just come up with stuff because you think is cool.

Sorry World 0 i dont know what you mean with that ?

[King of Padoru]

He means that if, for example, you want Saphadin to have a NP related with his name meaning "sword of faith", a kind of holy sword is fitting, while those daggers are something you made up "because it's cool" and barely have any relation

[RoydGolden]

He means that if, for example, you want Saphadin to have a NP related with his name meaning "sword of faith", a kind of holy sword is fitting, while those daggers are something you made up "because it's cool" and barely have any relation

Also that if you want to give him a Skill based on Islamic holy rites, then it'd help to actually look up some of said rites instead of just assuming they're like Christian rites "except Muslim".

[venomking]

"No soul can stand against, master, so rest asssured victory is are's by default.

true name: Yama.
Class: lancer.
Alternate: caster, rider.
Atrribute: God.
Alignment: chaotic neutral.
catalysts: peace of his spear kept in the clock tower.

Parameters:
strength: B.
Agility: B+
mana: D
strength: A
luck: E
Np: A++


armament: None.
Hight: 7"5
eyes: Red.

background: one of the gods of death in Hindu religion, Yama was born of the sun god surya and his mother was Sandhya, and was the first mortal to die avoiding to Hindu belief, thus by virtue of being the first to due he become the one to preside over all death. He is also the God of the south. He is only is only able to be a servant since he was living at some point.

personality: he is an idvidual driven by his own interest, he doesn't truly care for any ones life, and killing to him is second nature and he does so without passion or remorse, thou he will protect his master at all cost, this is not becuase of some since if duty, or sense of right or wrong but rather a handicap cap for his enemies to use against him in order for his battles to be enjoyable, although he finds no passion in the act of killing, he does find passion in the act of battle, and wishes to face an opponent who will defeat him, even if he goes all out. And will sacrifice anyone even that of humanity to face that person.

Class skills:
magic resistence
rank: A.
At this rank, he can be considered a magus-killer, a rank befitting a God of death.



Personel skills:

southern domain:
rank: B
a skill denoting being a god of the south, his stats increase by one rank higher then his opponent but only when facing the south, however at the same time mana consumption increases dramatically when facing the south.

ruler of the dead.
Rank: C
A skill given to Yama due to being a god of death, this skill is not given to those who are bids of the under world however such a Hades or Pluto, this skill increases the damage done to servants, but Only to those who are part of Hindu mythology, and who died. This is does not include those who died and became or gods, or those who are gods.

at the boundary
rank: A
being a God of death, and somone who walked the valley and was the first to die, he naturally possess this skill at a higher skill then most.

Divinty
rank: A
yama is the God of the death, therefor his rank in divinity shows that he is a God.


Np:

Name: kalandanda
Rank: A++.
Type: anti-personnel.
The spear or staff said to be used by Yama, when activated it creates a separate reality one in which there is nothing blocking or keeping the spear from hitting its opener, to servants it will appear to phase throu there armor or weapons, thou it is actually combining this made reality with the current reality creating the illusion that it phasing throu, but rather it is phasing throu reality. Once active Yama cannot use it to block, aand thus has to deactivate it to block or parry oncoming attacks, even if somone has defense such as gods hand it will be nulled by kalandanda, making the best strategy to keeping attacking so he constantly kas to keep the NP deactivated.

[RoydGolden]

Yama: Why does only one of his Personal Skills have a listed rank? Also, the logic of being the first to die equalling a resistance to instant-death effects seems pretty tenuous. Especially since in the Nasuverse, it tends to work the opposite way with Servants having a weakness to whatever killed them in life (like Tristan being weak to poison).

[venomking]

Most aren't ranked skills, there skills only he possess or wouldn't be ranked regardless, and Iball get rid of the last skill. Anything else I need to fix, or make better?

[RoydGolden]

Most aren't ranked skills, there skills only he possess or wouldn't be ranked regardless, and Iball get rid of the last skill. Anything else I need to fix, or make better?

I'd seriously suggest giving ranks even if only as a formality, as almost every Skill in canon is ranked, even ones that seem particular to their respective heroes. And Yama's Skills aren't even all that specific; from the description any god of death or the south could have them. Aside from that I don't have too much to critique, though I feel you could've done more with how he was venerated in other religions besides Hinduism. For instance, in Buddhist tradition Yama presides over Naraku (Hell), which makes me wonder whether he could have some kind of Dante's Inferno style NP that traps the target in a Reality Marble based on the sins they've committed. Just a thought.

- - - Updated - - -

Actually looking back, why doesn't Yama have Divinity or any related Skill like Goddess Divine Core? It feels like an obvious omission for a deity Servant...

[Bloble]

Orion doesn't have Divinity either. It's not a necessity.

[RoydGolden]

Orion doesn't have Divinity either. It's not a necessity.

Orion was a mortal, why should he have Divinity? While he was a giant in some legends, that's still different then being divine and also not nearly as important a part of his legend as being the god of death was for Yama.

[venomking]

ill add divinity sorry that totally slipped my mind, and this his Hindu form, I plan to due his caster form next which goes into his Buddhist self, and then a rider version and trust me the Np for that one is interesting as is the sheet, but not going to spoil it.