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Thread: Create-A-Servant 2

  1. #9361
    Quote Originally Posted by Kabalisto Koga View Post
    Grendel
    (Berserker)
    Most others, including me, tend to start these off in a more attention-grabbing fashion. Play around with the options at the top of the menu some, see what works for you. Don't do overdo it, though.

    Background: Grendel was a Hybrided Giant and the Enemy who fought against Beowulf. His Mother was a Meerweib whoose true origin a kelpie was and a Giant. He was known as a terrifying threat for Humans but unknown for them ,he protected his Homeland out of duty as one if not the Last of his Kin,and this . Although he was only at half one of them, in his childhood he saw the slaughter of his kin by the Humans,and out of this Trauma he hated the Festivals and laughing of the human because he feeled that her happynes was at his kins cost...

    Appearances:He is as Giant a Man of collosal Build and surmounted even Herakless and DariusIII with his 3.45 meters. His rust colored Skin is more scale as human-Skin , he has slit-like amber eyes ,he wears atleast as Berserker only (similar like Herakless) a loincloth. He carries a sickleclaw-shaped mace as a weapon.

    Personality: He has a latent hatred on the Humanity for destroying his Homeland and slaughter his friends and Clan, although he isnt as blind in his Raging Hatred to not differ under the People to not recognice good hearted Humans as he had as child friends under them. Despite his highranked Mad Enhancement is his Mind only dazed and dulled but a conversation is fundamentaly possible and he is able to act reasonable.

    Abbilities:
    He has thanks to his Born Demon (skill) Monstrous Strenght and Mad Enhancement Strenght A++,Endurance A++,Agility B.Mana:A,Luck:C
    He has due to his size a almost terrifying amount physical power. Despite his size he is quite nimble. His personall skill is Born Demon Rank A ist provide a Parameter bust,magic resistence at Rank C with a A+ Rank curse immunity,batle continuation rank B,and D Rank presence concealment as Berserker.
    He has as Berserker only one reall useable Hougu :
    Cruth-atharrachadh dhiadhaidh dorcha(Dark Ancestral Transformation)
    It is the sublimated maternal origin and with it he transform into a Aquatic/amphibic Dragon of the phantasmal rank, he becomes 17 Long,5 meter tall ,get the abbility to Control water like would it be Volumen Hydrygyrum (but in greater dimensions), spit Water Balls with the effect of a Cannonball, Produce a Darkness Dragon-Breath attack(and clad is Body in a Reinforcement like fashion ,be enables to fly for a limited amount,dive unlimited and be able to absorb Mana from the Environment.

    He has also Qualifications as Saber and Assasin
    I've marked all the spelling errors and capitalization errors in red. I've marked all the sentence construction errors in blue. I've marked all the punctuation errors in purple. Finally, I've marked the weeaboo bullshit in orange.I've fixed some of them where it would otherwise be difficult to see what went wrong. Spoiler alert: everything basically went wrong. You misspell a lot of words consistently. "Strenght" ought to be "strength". "Abbility" ought to be "Ability". You've got capital letters all over the place, meaning you're either attempting to Sound Important by using Big Boy Letters, or are German, which is worse. Your sentences are understandable to a certain point but are usually rather mangled. You've stated you're surprised we puzzled out English isn't your first language. You really shouldn't have been surprised.

    Moving past that particular problem, your presentation could use work. My advice is just to grab the profile format guidelines from the Create-A-Servant contest thread (in the first post) and fill that in like you would a checklist. It won't fix your problems with regards to spelling or grammar or sentence structure or punctuation, though. Just use Word or something, for the love of God.

    Finally, we have the actual content, which I suppose is what you wanted feedback on. Honestly, I was expecting worse.
    • The stats aren't all that egregious, although I wonder how Beowulf managed to wrestle it into the ground and wrench its arm off when Grendel's Agility is two ranks higher.
    • The skills are nothing amazing, but they're not all that bad. No original skills, which is a mixed blessing.
    • The Noble Phantasm is alright. Its central conceit, tapping into his mother's blood for a power boost, makes sense, at least. Although you've yet to answer why he didn't transform in the legend when he was panicking.
    • With regards to powerlevels, this interpretation of Grendel is okay. Solid middle of the pack, which is fine.
    • Bit of a problem with its background is that the defending the homeland bit is as far as I can tell, your original creation, but it doesn't really pop up elsewhere in the sheet, it's a bit of a throwaway detail. Considering he's still able to discriminate between humans, the whole thing is a bit of apologia about why he's not that bad. That entire bit is disappointing and frankly a copout. I approve of the fact you wanted to take a different direction than it merely being a big beefy monster that appears so Beowulf can prove he's a badass by killing it, don't get me wrong. You just could've picked a different direction.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kabalisto Koga View Post
    only out of "to make it even better " how would you my dear Senpais say are the Quality(beside grammar ) of my profiles?Until now?
    So, to answer this question, not all that amazing. Your spelling and grammar are, as I hope I've made clear, not good. I'd go so far as to say awful. English might not be your first language, but that doesn't mean you can't get better at it. The content itself is uninspired. You've got a lot of things you can improve on, which is not to say I or others are perfect.

  2. #9362
    吸血鬼 Vampire Express's Avatar
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    Bless NMR's patience.

  3. #9363
    love warrior <3 world-0 the god of world-0's Avatar
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    It's this kind of person who either change the world, end up tottaly insane, or both


    here is a list of my servant sheets(new and improved format for my servant sheets)

  4. #9364
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Express View Post
    Bless NMR's patience.
    He did the same with my first sheet.

  5. #9365
    死徒 Dead Apostle Kabalisto Koga's Avatar
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    Thank you,NMR-3 i will work on it ! and thank you for the Help !!

  6. #9366
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    As we’re recommending our favourite creators, I would say that Daneel produces the best around here (earning the title ‘King of Servant Sheets’ by a lot of people). The second place is a three way tie between Bloble, Sunny and You (the user, probably not you reading this at the screen).

    Other people’s works I enjoy are Funderfull, asterism and Royd. Also the winners of each monthly CaS contest produce worthy sheets (Leftovers Tyrfing in particular)

    -Edit-

    Quote Originally Posted by Bloble View Post
    Bird of Hermes and Asterism also produce some great sheets, off the top of my head. Really it's easier to name people who don't make good sheets, since the average quality here is so high.
    Cheers man! Thats nice coming from you
    Last edited by Bird of Hermes; February 28th, 2018 at 04:45 PM.

  7. #9367
    死徒 Dead Apostle zikari8's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bird of Hermes View Post
    and You (the user, probably not you reading this at the screen).
    I was happy for a fleeting moment


  8. #9368
    E-Rank Bronzefag MehKitteh's Avatar
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    Koga is basically venomking Alter. Is this a thing now?

    Also, I ditto zikari8. More motivation for me to increase my sheet quailty then.

    Execute C:\local\lib\toh.exe?
    ---
    Dreams of swallow cuts.
    ---
    summs up a lot of my ironic weeaboo circles
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    people who have waifus are necessarily mentally ill


  9. #9369
    So Many Ideas, So Little Time SleepMode's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bird of Hermes View Post
    Bloble, Sunny and You (the user, probably not you reading this at the screen).

    Other people’s works I enjoy are Funderfull, asterism and Royd. Also the winners of each monthly CaS contest produce worthy sheets (Leftovers Tyrfing in particular)
    Someday, I'll reach and walk amongst the Stars...!
    The Act of dozing off in the afternoon is a luxury indeed.
    Coffee would be nice, though.

    [Collection of my Servant Sheets]
    Now Revamped!

  10. #9370
    love warrior <3 world-0 the god of world-0's Avatar
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    Or try your luck on the less populated Create-A-Mage threed, the big guys only show up there sometimes


    here is a list of my servant sheets(new and improved format for my servant sheets)

  11. #9371
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Koga seems to try and listen to people and is asking for advice to improve, so it's a few steps up from venomking.

  12. #9372
    Tranquilo, Japones, Tranquilo JetKinen's Avatar
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    The answer was inside you all along

    Fate Grand/Order ID: 102947414/GreenBob
    JetKinen's tries very poorly to translate a brazilian book

  13. #9373
    love warrior <3 world-0 the god of world-0's Avatar
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    You as in me, or You an in You?


    here is a list of my servant sheets(new and improved format for my servant sheets)

  14. #9374
    E-Rank Bronzefag MehKitteh's Avatar
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    *You

    Execute C:\local\lib\toh.exe?
    ---
    Dreams of swallow cuts.
    ---
    summs up a lot of my ironic weeaboo circles
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    people who have waifus are necessarily mentally ill


  15. #9375
    鬼 Ogre-like You's Avatar
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    You thought it was you but it was me, You all along.
    Though abandoned, forgotten, and scorned as out-of-date dolls, they continue to carry out their mission, unchanged from the time they were designed.
    Machines do not lose their worth when a newer model appears.
    Their worth (life) ends when humans can no longer bear that purity.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ticeexcenny
    In my opinion you are not right. I am assured. Let's discuss it. Write to me in PM, we will talk.

  16. #9376
    So Many Ideas, So Little Time SleepMode's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by You View Post
    You thought it was you but it was me, You all along.
    If you are You then who am I
    The Act of dozing off in the afternoon is a luxury indeed.
    Coffee would be nice, though.

    [Collection of my Servant Sheets]
    Now Revamped!

  17. #9377
    E-Rank Bronzefag MehKitteh's Avatar
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    Don't really know who I is though.

    Execute C:\local\lib\toh.exe?
    ---
    Dreams of swallow cuts.
    ---
    summs up a lot of my ironic weeaboo circles
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    people who have waifus are necessarily mentally ill


  18. #9378
    Tranquilo, Japones, Tranquilo JetKinen's Avatar
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    Yes

    Fate Grand/Order ID: 102947414/GreenBob
    JetKinen's tries very poorly to translate a brazilian book

  19. #9379
    死徒 Dead Apostle zikari8's Avatar
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    Servant Caster
    Miyamoto Musashi


    True Name: Miyamoto Musashi
    Gender: Female
    Region: Japan
    Age: 10
    Alternate Classes: Saber/Saver

    Class Skills:
    Item Construction E-
    The Skill to manufacture magical items. Caster did not have this skill at all in life and is awarded it solely due to the servant container.

    Territory Creation E-
    The Skill to create special terrain that is advantageous to oneself as a magus. Caster did not have this skill at all in life and is awarded it solely due to the servant container.

    Personal Skills:
    Fifth Form B
    Musashi’s signature sword style. A form of swordsmanship that wields two swords as if they were one. While using this unpredictable fighting style, the number of hits she can make per turn double. Due to her young age, she has yet to fully master the sword style, hence the B rank.

    Violent Charisma A+
    A skill denoting one’s aptitude for gathering allies. It is not an innate charm or talent for leadership, but an ability to attract subordinates through overwhelming strength. Those who have this skill are ones who have attained the pinnacle of power within their era and thus attract others solely through their power.

    After defeating an enemy, a strength check occurs. If it succeeds, the defeated enemy will become an ally. All allies accumulated through this method will have their parameters ranked up.

    Mascot Mentor B+
    A familiar that accompanies the user of the skill and provides wise counsel. Typically cute and adorable, but may secretly be plotting something evil. Although a familiar, the mascot is autonomous and has its own personality.
    Caster’s mascot mentor is Dorinbo, the fluffy blue animal spirit that accompanies her on her journey. In times of need, Dorinbo may transform into his true form as a warrior monk and assist Caster in combat.

    Noble Phantasms:

    Kobokumeikakuzu
    Rank: B
    Type: Anti-unit

    A set of twin swords belonging to Caster. Although they have the shape of swords, they are in fact powerful mystic codes that function both as wands and swords. They are Caster’s primary weapon and the source of her magical power.

    While held, the two swords passively grant Caster an increase in physical and magical parameters as well as an automatic magical barrier. Simply by swinging the swords, Caster can shoot blasts of pure magical energy without the need for thaumaturgical knowledge. The strength of her attacks are proportional to the virtue in her heart. The stronger her emotions, the more effective the swords are against the forced of evil.

    The sword on the left is Yoemon, the sword of Love. The sword on the right is Motomenosuke, the sword of Justice. Although each is powerful in its own right, it is when the two swords are together that their true power is unleashed.

    Background:

    The legendary swordsman known throughout Japan and the main character of Illya’s favorite anime. Caster is a Miyamoto Musashi from another dimension before it was destroyed. Enlisted by the magical mascot character Dorinbo, she once traveled Japan to defeat the Demon King NobuNobu and his forces of evil. Along the way, she made friends via superior firepower, preaches on cliché but wholesome morals, and battles against her mysterious masked rival, Dark REGEND. After having her dimension be destroyed, she now travels across timelines, helping people wherever she can. Perhaps one day she may meet her biggest fan and fellow magical girl.


  20. #9380
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Was this Musashi going to be in Kaleido-Nope?

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