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Thread: My Little Carnival Phantasm Can't be This Cute!

  1. #121
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    Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

    ---

    Assassin.

    He chuckled perversely. "Ah, so I live again! Perfect, perfect. I'm Servant Assassin, the man able to avoid any detection. For there is no greater power than that of--"

    The old, decrepit, senile magus stared down at his summoning circle. "Ahhhhh, it failed after all. But I really thought it would work...!"

    "No, no, I'm right here!" his Servant said. "It's just you can't see me, because I am--"

    He threw his wrinkled, bony hands around, desperately. "My one chance to reach the Root, squandered! All these years of studies, wasted! Why to live, indeed...!"

    "PAY ATTENTION!" Assassin yelled at him. "Your summon worked perfectly, fool! I will win this Grail War without nobody being the wiser!"

    The old man began to sob to himself. "They'll laugh at me at the academy! There were right, weren't they? Their mockery will chase me to my grave!"

    "I'M TELLING YOU I'M RIGHT HERE!" the Servant screamed into his ear. "My name is Hawley Griffin! Are you fucking deaf, damn you?!"

    "I can hear them clearly already, calling me a damned deaf fool...!" the Master lamented.

    "Oh, for the love of--!"

    It took Assassin two full days to get the also extremely myopic man to read a note he'd written for him and make him realize he actually had summoned him after all. Then it only took him a single day to get himself raped and killed by Mr. Hyde again, because some things never change.

    The old magus, unaware he didn't have a Servant anymore, still defeated the rest of the Servants on his own and claimed the Grail thanks to assorted hilarious Mr. Magoo-esque hijinks.

    The Grail never got to cash on his wish and flood the world in darkness, however, since he just kept wishing things on his teapot instead to the day of his death.

  2. #122
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    Write me for Christmas.

    From hell.

    Mr Claus,

    Sir

    I send you half the Kidne I took from one Wyvern prasarved it for you tother piece I fried and ate it was very nice. I may send you the bloody knife that took it out if you only wate a while longer

    signed

    Send me mu gifts when you can Mishter Claus. Another knife wuld be nice

    ----

    Santa Alter lifted her eyes from the letter.

    "Well," she blandly told herself. "At least she respects the traditions. Kuro will only text me her list..."

  3. #123
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    Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

    ---

    Caster.

    The old man with long, wavy, white hair and beard placed a hand on his chest, speaking with great elegance and dignity. "I am Lisa Gherardini del Giocondo, Caster," he introduced himself. "For the powers granted to me by taking over this Saint Graph, I am a master of arts, crafts and science. By the legacy of my legend, I am also an expert on the means to spirit material goods away without ever being found, my stealth to rival that of an Assassin. I also have money. Lots and lots of money."

    Standing by Ritsuka, Leonardo stared on, clearly unamused. "Seriously?"

    The old man smiled graciously at her. "Turnaround, Maestro, is the most fair of games."

    "... you took on that old, decrepit Graph just for the chance to spite me...?"

    "Gracious goodness, no, Signore, I always had nothing but admiration for you. Actually, it was to spite Maese Salai, he really wanted to take control of it..."

    A lookalike of John the Baptist then appeared on the summon circle behind her. "Joke's on you, Mona Lisa! I got a much better Graph, from that masterpiece I once posed for! This is truly a peerless young body with no drawbacks whatso--"

    Salome peeked in abruptly, eyes shining impossibly and licking all over her lips. "Jocchan...!"

  4. #124
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    Alternate Masters of Chaldea, Part One.

    ---

    Peter Parker.

    "Okay, you're late, again, but we'll overlook that..." Da Vinci began.

    "I was busy, sorry," the Master offered. "I was, uh... taking photographies for my day job."

    "Being the Master of Chaldea is your full time job," Holmes reminded him. "The Daily Bugle was incinerated along the rest of humanity five years ago, remember?"

    "Ah, well, you'll see..."

    Da Vinci sighed. "Master, you have over two hundred loyal Heroic Spirits to fight in your stead now. You really don't have to keep sneaking away to fight crime in the Singularities on your own. Just send, I don't know, EMIYA. He'll be happy to."

    "But with great power comes great responsibility, and if I don't--"

    "You have thousands of times more power and responsibility as a Master now!" Da Vinci scolded him, grabbing a ruler (not a Ruler, it'd been a while since last time she'd hit him with Jeanne) and bopping him on the head. "You're just an addict! Even more of an addict than Holmes!"

    "I'm not an addict, I can leave it anytime I want to," Sherlock huffed, puffing repeatedly on his pipe.

    "Anyway, now we can start with your weekly performance review," Da Vinci told the Master. "Don't get me wrong, Master, you are a very dutiful and decent fellow, and we all are grateful with you, but... this time we just got Astolfo thrown off a bridge, we really need to do something about this strange luck of yours. It has a negative effect on the operations, not to mention the installations." She paused as a falling piece of ceiling dropped on her head, then continued speaking. "But above all things, our female Servants, and now Astolfo, get thrown off bridges on a monthly basis now, and the costs of resummons are going through the roof, don't you think you should be more careful about not making so many mortal enemies every other Singularity or Lostbelt? Maybe, if you were less adamant on morality, Evil Alignment Servants would be more agreeable with you..."

    "... I think Jeanne Alter likes me, though?"

    "Jeanne Alter doesn't count, she's just that desperate," Da Vinci said. "Okay, moving on to the next point. We also have to do something about the Crypters now. Since they all are clones of yours, I was hoping you'd get to suggest me about ways of dealing with them, what with your knowing them better than anyone, and all of that..."

    Ushiwakamaru peeked into the office. "Sensei? This strange black thing has attached itself to me and now is telling me to eat brains..."

    Da Vinci waved a hand her way. "You know the procedure! Take that to Nightingale!" As Ushi slinked away sprouting fangs, she continued, "Finally, we think it's time we do something about your aunt, Master."

    "What about her?" he asked defensively. "She's a sweet pure soul who would never trouble anyone!"

    "Well, we are just saying," Holmes reasoned, "that is strange for a ninety years old woman with fifty three different health conditions to have survived through Human History Incineration, and we have deduced she might just be a vessel for the Alien God. Besides, some Servants have started complaining she's a nag, and that she is restricting you unnecessarily."

    "Just because she insists on Rayshifting with me, it doesn't mean she has bad intentions! She just wants to make up for all the missing time, and to protect me!"

    "She keeps getting in the way!" Da Vinci said. "You can keep eluding her when you sneak on your own to play costumed hero, so why can't you do the same for official missions, honestly?!"

    "Uhhh, sorry, we'll have to continue this conversation sometime else," the Master excused himself. "My Spi-- I mean, Master sense is ringing, and I believe I'm needed--"

    "Senseiiiiiiiii!" Nitocris' voice wailed. "Someone's thrown Madame Blavatsky off a bridge! AGAIN!"

  5. #125
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    We Want to See.

    EMIYA was quietly sitting on a bench, reading a book, when Master Ritsuka came along, bringing something with her.

    Without saying a word, she began assembling this thing before the bench, and the Archer stopped to look on in interest, curiosity piqued.

    Soon enough, it was clear it was an athletism set of bar for high jumps, set to the highest it could go. Master gestured around the hallway's corner, and Ishtar, Artoria, Ereshkigal, Parvati, Astolfo, Gilgamesh, Enkidu, Jeanne, Sieg, Jeanne Alter, Shakespeare, Astraea, BB, Illya, Miyu, Kuro, Passionlip, Jaguarman, Blackbeard, D'Eon, Marie, Meltryllis, Sitonai and Medusa all approached, stopping at a respectful distance from the bar.

    Gilgamesh gave Ritsuka a small flask of youth potion, and Ritsuka threw it into EMIYA's hands.

    "Drink," she said, while Shakespeare prepared pen and notebook. "Parvati-chan remembered something, from long ago, and we all kinda wanna see if it was as good as she says..."

  6. #126
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    Fate Apocrypha: True Secret Epilogue.

    Someone rang at the front door.

    "Oh," Laeticia frowned upon opening it. "It's you."

    "Yeah, it's me!" Astolfo grinned and waved. "How you doing, it's been a while!"

    "... yes. Yes, it's been," she agreed, watching as he merrily skipped in past her. As she closed the door, she asked, "How did you find me? I don't remember ever giving you this address..."

    "Yeah, sorry, I never asked, I forgot!" he laughed, making himself comfortable on the crouch and crossing his legs, tapping a foot around. "We had a lot of other things in mind right then, didn't we, and I'm never good at keeping mine there even when there are few of them, ha ha!" He bopped himself in the head with a fist. "Mostly, I was passing by this town, and I started asking around! Then I finally found that bakery I was looking for, and then...!"

    "And then...?"

    "And then I overheard someone telling someone else I looked just like someone living around the corner, and I was curious, but turns out the house around the corner was yours, so whaddya know, either they were wrong or I was wrong! I mean, we're old friends, but that doesn't mean we look that alike!"

    "... oh. So you weren't looking specifically for me, then."

    "Nope! Mere happy coincidence! Funny thing, huh?!" Then he blinked. "Something wrong, Laeticia? You never were this serious before!"

    "No, no, it's... nothing. I was just reminiscing, about those days I spent with you and Sieg..."

    "Ah, ha ha ha ha, yeah, those were the days, weren't they! Although you mustn't remember so much about them, since well, it was Jeanne traveling around the whole time!"

    "Yes, as a matter of fact, that's precisely the problem..."

    "I don't understand?"

    "I supposed you wouldn't," she sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

    "Yeah, sorry about that too, I can't help it, I'm Astolfo after all!"

    "... no, it's not exactly because you're Astolfo. Please wait here, maybe you'll understand better this way..."

    Astolfo blinked several times as she walked into another room, and shortly later returning bringing two small children along, one with gray hair and the other with light pink hair.

    "I mean, I can't really remember anything about those days, alright!" she told him then. "But somehow, the three of you still REALLY left me with a reminder...!"

  7. #127
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    Shiroupool.

    'Department H: Not Affiliated in Any Way or Form with Clock Tower!' it read on the door.

    The smiling man in glasses smiled at him. "Well, here you go, young man. Just sign on the dotted line, and we will use your special talents to help you remember your past and become a Superhero of Justice!"

    Shirou nodded, then held the contract before his face, frowning. "Wait a second... I don't think I can sign this!"

    The helpful man blinked. "Why not?"

    "I just remembered I forgot bringing a pen!"

    The doctor sighed and pulled one out of his breast pocket.

    ----

    "-- so that's why I may look a bit different from how I might look in every other timeline, but honestly, Rinster, I'm still the same swell mysterious anti hero superhero sexy boy you always have known!" the Archer loaded with guns, swords and pouches told her. "Look, look, I even dress in red and black just as ever!"

    Rin blinked. "... the hell?"

  8. #128
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    Like in the Old Times.

    "Drat, they ran out again?" Sitonai pouted, putting the controller down. She glanced aside. "Berserker, go to Da Vinci's for more batteries."

    "RRRRRRRRR!" Heracles agreed, getting up and stomping for the room's door.

    A moment ago, the explosions and screams began.

    Sitonai facepalmed. "Oh, that's right. I'd forgotten...!"

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