The Beast's Lair Fanfic Contest (2017 Edition) (Discussion Thread)

[alfheimwanderer]

I will say that the fics this year were decidedly better than the usual lot I've seen in previous contests. Some of those were simply rubbish, not worth the bits of electricity that were used to display them. So, as I mentioned to Dark Pulse the other day, nice work to all who submitted.

[Sir Jackets Off]

Thx for taking the time to judge!

[You]

yes, thank you for taking the time to judge

[Historia]

I don't think anyone has a bias for or against you.

All newcomers are my enemy.

[You]

All newcomers are my enemy.

okay sophomore

[TwilightsCall]

Once all the judges send in their evaluations, are we allowed to comment on them?

I would think you would be allowed to comment whenever you feel like it, since that's what we did last year. Might just need to be careful not to give away which entry is yours quite yet.

Also wow, three nineties right out the gate. I just have one last fic to read and then I'll be finished, and I can say I've been enjoying them so far. Thanks for the quick judging alf!

Also is it just me, or is there some serious formatting issues with Cursed Cold Colle? It looks like every attempt at ruby text broke.

[alfheimwanderer]

Anyone have a favorite (that's not their own)?

[TwilightsCall]

I think in the end CCC would top my list. It feels the most like a complete 'story' out of all the entries to me, and its pretty clear that a lot of time and effort went into it (even putting aside the word count lol). Since I don't know anything really about Apocrypha, I can't really say how much of what came out was original and how much was regurgitated canon, but it felt new and fresh to me so I appreciated that. It could perhaps use another proofreading run though.

I'd consider The Lone Master a close second. Like with CCC, I have experienced effectively none of Extra, so I'm useless at telling where the canon ends and the fanon begins, but that's probably for the best in the end. The style of presentation was pretty good, though the obvious 'death' flag in the last entry was a bit too overt imo. Either way, I was a bit miffed at the ending being left so vague, which seems like a fairly good sign that the story behind it was strong.

Other special mention I would make is for the Tamamo story. The kind of comedy that the author was going for here isn't something that normally sits well with me, but at the end of it I was kinda sitting there going. "Oh. Well. That was kind of fun." The last little bit with Archer really felt excellent, and came in as a satisfying tie-off for the whole story, even though his part was really rather minor in the overall story. I felt a little dumb falling for the obvious dupe though. And yeah, actually doing up the resume was a nice touch.

[SpoonyViking]

I would think you would be allowed to comment whenever you feel like it, since that's what we did last year. Might just need to be careful not to give away which entry is yours quite yet.

Yeah, I'll wait for the other judges first, can't really comment on alf's evaluation without giving away what was my fic. :-)

[You]

So looking over the fics this year and the categories
A Drop of Quicksilver: Ancient Past, Vampires? (Considering ORT becomes a DAA in Tsuklines)
The Summoning: Grail War
Being An Evil Kitsune For Fun and Profit: ?
Cursed Cold Colle: Magi Adventures
The Lone Master: In Another's Shoes? (Satsuki expy)
He Was a Good King: Ancient Past
Le Meilleur des Monde Possibles: In Another's Shoes
The Man Who Sold The World: Ancient Past (Well EMIYA's past), Magi Adventures (Shirou technically isn't a magus but I guess)

Pretty good spread

[Dark Pulse]

Now it's time to ruin some people's hopes and dreams. For I have seen Alf's scores, and in contrast to the high praise he gave some fics... I'm going to be the one to bring those ones back to reality. (He was actually surprisingly generous, in my opinion...)

I will say this, for the benefit of first-time entrants: Even if I gave your fic a punishing score, I do tremendously respect you for having the guts and courage to try - and please, keep trying to improve your skills. We all started somewhere; it's pretty rare to be so naturally talented in anything, and often your first attempt stinks.

But then your second one is a little bit better. And your third one, better than the second.

Bit by bit, little by little, you'll improve. Writing is an art, not a science - and just like any form of art, you have to practice, again and again, until it all begins to become second nature.

Without further ado, my reviews.

---

A Drop of Quicksilver

A Drop of Quicksilver

GOOD

• Origin stories are always a nice thing.

BAD

• Takes about half of the story’s length for the story to truly get going.

UGLY

• Global warming fucked all them trees up, yo. It’s basic science. Unless you’re Lord Dampnut, who believes climate change is a hoax perpetrated by, and for the benefit of, the Chinese.
• Holy Heiroglyphics, Batman! Get me Muzzy so I can understand Mercurian.
• This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius?

Artistry: 20/30

This is quite solid. Good amounts of detail that are not overdone. That said, sometimes it did feel like internal monologues were somewhat a little too wordy. The interaction of other characters with our protagonist was somewhat sparse – Puyu may well have been the only one who got even more than one scene with her. I did like the stuff at the end with ORT speaking, and that last part was a nice little stinger in the end.

However, the biggest downfall of this story was that it just took so long to get anything going – think of it like it were a miniseries, author. If you had twelve episodes, and the first six were there to simply set up the other half of the story, not only will some people have tuned out, but the meat of your narrative then has to get compressed into the remaining half. That could be a serious problem if your story was any less coherent.

Overall, for the most part, rather solid, but I think it would’ve been a bit better to both trim up the opening half of the story down, and maybe to have used that room to keep things going past the current epilogue.

Characterization: 25/25

While the characters are quite well performed and believable in their roles, the main problem with this story – and to be fair, the main problem with any such story which is based on background material – is obviously its lack of connectivity to Type-Moon. Aside from ORT, this could’ve really been any primitive story. That said, how they were done was top-notch – Nantu came off as a very real person, Puyu as a precocious girl, Etsa the sage, and so on. They were somewhat token, but they were also done quite well. So simply put, I see little reason to not give a perfect score here.

Setting: 20/20

For the first half of this story I began wondering just how the hell this thing fit into TM canon; once something crashed into Earth, I remembered the title and it made sense, but for half of this story, I was in complete bafflement as to what direction this thing would go. I was getting a "By the Waters of Babylon" vibe from it, until it was clear we were talking about pre-modern times, as opposed to post-apocalyptic. In all fairness, you are limited here by the background lore, so I gave you a sympathetic score on this, but aside from the arrival of ORT, there is relatively little here to tie it to TM at all. However, since this is also about as far as you could have gone with it considering who/what it is, this is a "soft" Ace.

Technical: 13/15

A few misspellings of "stomach" as "stomache." It’s clear the author follows Commonwealth English spelling standards, but "stomache" is, as far as I know, not part of that. There was also one use of “farther” when I feel the author meant "further" - farther is the comparative of "far" only when there is something else to compare it with – for example, "You’ll pass the hospital, then the gas station is farther up ahead." When you’re just going with a general distance relative to the POV, further is what you’re looking for. Otherwise, a very clean story, and one that is for the most part cleanly-written and easy to read despite its length.

Uniqueness: 10/10

Can’t remember us having an ORT origin story. It does a very nice job of fleshing out what few details have been provided, while trying to make something of its own with the original stuff it has. That certainly takes some brainpower and cleverness to make it its own thing while still tying it into the lore. Can’t really complain here.

Overall: 88/100

I’ve certainly read worse stories, to be sure, but a few things hold this thing back from total greatness. It’s a very slow story, with half of its length dedicated to fleshing out this prehistoric society. Other than ORT, it has relatively little connection to TM at all. And then when you’ve got a very interesting development for our protagonist, you basically pull the rug out and end it.

However, what is here is VERY well written, not too tough on the focus despite its length, and actually very enjoyable. It’s a very solid piece of work, one the author should be reasonably proud of, its flaws notwithstanding.

With a bit more of changes in pacing, trimming that first half back, and maybe expanding after where it ends, this could’ve possibly been in the 90s. You’ve got the knack for storytelling and making your story flow well, author – now just learn those finer details of pacing, and you’ll go quite far.

A Summoning

A Summoning

GOOD

• It was brief?

BAD

• Vat zee fack vas with ze dochtah zpeakingh like zis? Vat zee fack vas zis zhit?
• How does one talk with severed vocal chords?
• What does this story do?

UGLY

• Convenient blood rivulets that touch magical books in their naughty places.
• Ayako, I don’t think we’re in Fuyuki anymore.

Artistry: 10/30

"Mediocre" is the word that comes to mind. They’re there – but only just.

There was some nice stuff mentioned with the blood drops, and how vocal cords were being tested... but then we got into the stuff with the Doctor, which is literally almost half of this fic’s length.

And holy shit was that a CHORE to read.

You could give him an accent without making it that painful, for sure. Everyone could’ve read him just fine if you zimply gave him zomething like zis, and zen zere’d be no problem. But when you are going into multiple substitutions to the point I can’t even tell what word it is – and I’m trying my best to read it and sound it in my head (What the fuck is Jawohl?) – something’s gone terribly, terribly wrong.

This is one of the major things that absolutely tanked this work in my eyes.

Characterization: 10/25

Simply put, there was almost none. The doctor was insane, okay. Alice was helpless and nearly killed, alright. The Mad Hatter was... certainly mad. And that was about it.

Seriously. That’s all.

Setting: 0/20

What setting?

No, seriously. What setting?

Was the setting even mentioned? This could be on Planet Nerf for all I know.

Technical: 5/15

Heavily written in paragraph form. Paragraphs are good – but unfortunately while the author has learned that, they have yet to learn that ideas need their own space – and when it’s a new idea, it’s time for a new space.

It made for a story that, at times, condensed several ideas, and even new topics, into a single paragraph. That’s excellent for brevity, but it really does make readability suffer. Some paragraphs fill up as much as a third of a page – using the paragraph where Alice gets hit twice and knocked out, that could’ve been broken into at least 3-4 paragraphs and been a lot more readable – end the first with the sudden hit, the second with her being KOed, the third being her being gathered into the sack, blood dribbling all the while, and maybe make her being tossed into trunk the fourth.

Add a bit more detail and you’ve got four solid paragraphs that all express their one idea, instead of taking your reader on a race through a maze.

Uniqueness: 10/10

Honestly, I can’t remember another story with Alice in these contests. So it certainly stands out... but whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I’m not so sure.

Overall: 35/100

Okay. Where do I start?

1. Paragraphs where I can tell the author tried, but often there was new thoughts introduced where they really deserved some new space.
2. Alice and her Servant were pretty much throwaways. Past this, they literally didn’t matter in the slightest. Even if we assume this is the girl who eventually would become Alice from Fate/Extra, they simply weren’t used much at all.
3. Were it not for Rider, Alice, and the fact this is during some otherwise nameless Holy Grail War, this story really has no TM connection at all.
4. A very short length – and it didn’t go much of anywhere with it.

Overall, this was a pretty disappointing entry. There was potential to make something out of this, but it all just felt completely and abysmally flat. It was annoying, even excruciating, to read the doctor’s lines, and sometimes I couldn’t make full sense of whatever he was saying through his outrageous accent. Essentially it was three pages of a little girl being tortured, a page of a failed summon, roughly a page of another master’s lamentations, and an epilogue thrown in.

Either this story wasn’t very well thought out, or it was rushed – possibly both.

It’s going to take considerably more effort than this, author. You are going to have to step up your game quite a bit. If this is your first effort writing, then I commend your bravery for trying despite this score – it takes guts to take something you wrote and put it up for others to give an opinion on; you should be commended for that. But if you have written before... you need to seriously change up your writing habits. Don’t put things in that don’t really matter or won’t get explored. If you make a choice for something, have a reason why – and a thing or two you can tie that in to. Give new thoughts room to breathe, and if you’re going to go so far as to hurt your protagonist, then we need to feel something about it.

Otherwise... writing is going to be a serious pain in the ass for you.

Being an Evil Kitsune for Fun and Profit

Being an Evil Kitsune for Fun & Profit

GOOD

• If you like gag stories, it’ll be the cat’s meow...? I guess...?

BAD

• Forced gags always fucking suck, and this fic was full of them.
• Actually, the volts can indeed kill you even with amperage in the milliamp range.

UGLY

• It’s like the Energizer Bunny – it keeps going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going...

Artistry: 5/30

It’s a gag fic. Do you like those? Then you’re going to have a great time.

Unfortunately for this author, I don’t like them unless they’re done very carefully. Unfortunately, they chose the Laff-A-Lympics style, and that’s just not going to jive with me. What began with me reading intently quickly turned into a struggle to give this fic a fair read-through, as it quickly wore its premise out with me as it moved from gag to gag with relatively little rhyme or reason, choosing the "quantity over quality" method.

And that had the usual result it does with me: No laughing. If reading these things were a Batsu Game, I’d have aced it.

I can count the number of times I smiled: One, when the author actually went to the trouble of creating Tamamo’s job application as an actual document. This was actually fucking brilliant, and that shows that even if I didn’t personally like it, the author definitely went all-out on this fic, so I know they at least (very sincerely!) tried.

Still, 10,000+ words, and one smile. That’s an abysmal ratio.

That gets you five points. It’s still a shit sandwich... but at least it’s not soggy.

Characterization: 12/25

What characterization? Basically you took the characters and pumped them full of fanon jokes.

Well, okay, that might be a bit too harsh. They are at least somewhat in-character... or perhaps "in-caricature" is a better way to put it.

But that’s still not exactly original, clever, or otherwise exceptional. Anyone can turn them into fanon jokes – what makes yours stand out?

Setting: 10/20

Chaldea. Next.

Technical: 8/15

Writing quality is fine, but there are places where it just completely feels out of touch with any sort of cohesion at all. It just moves from gag to gag, and most any action or reaction taken is to set up or reinforce something that will be used for a gag. That's "telling" and not "showing," author.

Uniqueness: 5/10

Chaldea isn’t exactly original or unique territory anymore. Gonna take more effort than token effort to really get anything on this.

Overall: 40/100

I’m going to level with you here, author.

Despite the fact that I must seem like a grumpy old grandpa, I actually like comedy. A lot. Monty Python, George Carlin, Lewis Black, Ron White, Dave Chappelle, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert – I’ve seen quite a bit of comedy in my life.

But I hate it when it’s forced comedy, and this fic was one big, long, forced comedy.

It reminds me of one of the gag entries in last year’s contest, Disorder. Similar sort of wacky premise, similarly long length, similar feeling of "Oh god, when will it end?" before I was even halfway through it. It wouldn’t even surprise me if it were the same author.

But while I was a bit more kind with that one, I’m not going to be nearly so kind with this one.

The best funny stories do not force their gags. They find ways to make them work; they fit them in with existing character quirks or amusing situations. For example, Rin trapped in the electronics wing at a game console’s launch day with the intent of being first in line to buy a new game system on launch day for El-Melloi II – can she bring it back to London without destroying every piece of electronics within 100 miles of her? Wham, you’ve got a setting for comedy, it’s not very forced, and you have potential wiggle room for even some serious bits. (And it wouldn’t surprise me if someone took this idea and ran with it, but don’t expect any favoritism in scores from me if you do so!)

But you, author... you took the "throw everything but the Kitchen Sink at them, then do the 30 Sinks code and throw them all at once" approach. Gag moves to gag with no real rhyme or reason; the premise is so loose that Heracles fisting a girl would be far less gaping open. The plot exists to simply shuffle us from gag to gag, from which we’re supposed to laugh, and then be led to the next one, until the end.

But I wasn’t laughing, author. I was plugging my nose the whole time. Because nothing is less funny than someone trying to be funny – and that’s exactly what this whole fic was, the person in class who was desperately trying to be funny, but wasn’t.

We tended to give those people swirlies. Here’s yours. And after I’m done, I’ll whack you in the head with a spatula for good measure.

Cursed Cold Colle

Cursed Cold Colle

GOOD

• A very deep story about the extremely complicated mind of a magus.

BAD

• Surprisingly chatty villainness when a familiar is zeroing in...

UGLY

• Long... but worth it.
• Siscon...?

Artistry: 30/30

Wonderful levels of detail. I could feel every bone creak, smell the char, you name it. That said, wow is this story long – so long that when I first loaded it up I was slightly put off by its length. Experience (and my own idiocy) has taught me that if I see a long story, it’d either better be damn good, or it’s going to be absolutely awful. Thankfully, the author gave us the former – and by the time I was a third through it, I didn’t really care anymore. Can’t take points off if I don’t feel like I should, right?

Characterization: 25/25

This story only has three characters effectively – one who was a major part of Fate/Apocrypha, one who was a side mention in Fate/Zero and a minor player in Apocrypha, and one who’s pretty much all original. What it lacks in quantity (not counting some other small appearances and such), it certainly doesn’t shirk in depth – all three of them are explored exhaustively and interestingly. It left me feeling any of them, really, could have been the protagonist – and while one certainly got the nod, for all of them to be strong enough for it is pretty revealing of the pains the author took to for this piece.

Setting: 20/20

It’s a definitely fitting setting, and not just that, it’s more than just a setting – it’s almost borderlining on a trap, and that fits in nicely with the themes of the work. It was great making use of the “castle” itself as a player within this story – it helped enhance the mood as well as the artistry, and it also fits perfectly in line with Fate’s mythos. To me, that’s the very definition of a high setting score – taking where you set it and owning it – and so there’s little reason to not ace this one.

Technical: 12/15

A few light typos here and there (such as “ammuniation.”), along with an occasional skipped word. On the whole, though, solidly-written as all hell – clean, easy to follow, good pacing and spacing. Can’t ding it more than a few points, considering that proofreading a 20,000+ word story isn’t exactly going to be very easy to proofread at all, and it’s never to the detriment of understandability.

Uniqueness: 10/10

It’s a post-Apocrypha story, fleshing out the characters that were a part of it, adds a very strong OC of its own, and then to top it all off, it makes it feel like it belongs within the universe in and of itself. If that’s not a formula for perfect Uniqueness score, I don’t know what is.

Overall: 97/100

What can I say, other than "A winner is you?"

To be blessed with any 90+ score in the contest is a rarity; for me to give out two 95+ scores two years in a row is simply a joy. It was a long read (maybe even the longest read this year), but it was an excellent read – it kept my attention from beginning to end, and while I initially had some reservations about its length, in the end, it was simply too good, too interesting to ding except in very minor ways.

Frankly, to be in company like last year’s Moon’s Corral – complete with the same problems it had (its only flaws were on a technical level) – is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Not only an entry likely to win this year (in my eyes), but one that could stand toe-to-toe with some of the all-time greats in this contest.

You're the frontrunner, if not the winner. Hope you enjoy that Quartz, whoever you are.

He Was A Good King

He Was A Good King

GOOD

• He... Will... Triumph... I guess?

BAD

• Far too short.
• Ultimately meaningless.

UGLY

• This formatting. Milbunk, this is your fault.

Artistry: 10/30

Clearly the author took a hint of Milbunk’s as a suggestion – Ancient Past – and ran with it. That’s not bad in and of itself, but to be over and done in 1300 words does not exactly give me confidence you’re doing much with it – or even really making use of the idea at anything more than token value. I didn’t feel anything from this – it read like a generic "King rallying the morale of his troops" sort of speech, and it felt like something that would be okay for a scene – but not an entire fic. There was tons of wasted potential here.

Characterization: 5/25

What characterization? Beowulf isn’t exactly a spring of characterization here, but even going by what the lore has, this is kind of wrong. Here’s a guy, who would admit himself he’s ill-suited to be a king... being super-kingly. What the hell? While he obviously won’t be the same person he would be as a Servant, it’s also not like he’d be the opposite of how he would be then, either – it’s not like Arturia’s nobility or femininity entirely went away when she became Saber. It makes it feel ill-suited, disjointed.

Setting: 0/20

What setting? Where were they? Could’ve been Bug Mars. Yeah, gotta Bug Mars. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go take a swim – gotta brush up on my history of Andre Felipe, and his unique "punching" strategy for boxing.

Technical: 10/15

This file came to me in all messed-up formatting; I’m going to presume that’s a conversion error, but this is why we try not to write in plain text anymore, author – heed that. (I’m not sure why Milbunk still allows for that, honestly – if he does, he at least needs to make sure they’re UTF-8 encoded and not ANSI.)

That aside, it was choppy and it seemed to just shift from piece to piece, rather than have a semblance of actual flow – here’s Beowulf saying something, here’s a reaction, here’s him saying something else, here’s another reaction. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s pretty bad when it’s only 1300 words and yet it feels more like it was an assembled jigsaw puzzle than with any true flow of time.

Uniqueness: 5/10

It’s a character’s past. Great for a middle-of-the-road Uniqueness score, horrible for anything else.

Overall: 30/100

I came to this after reading Cursed Cold Colle, and while I knew that it would be extremely hard for any fic after that to follow up, to say this was a followup, much less more than a token effort, at all is questionable.

First, length. While I know this isn’t a contest of length, 1300 words is pretty hard to do a story in – it veers dangerously close to what this contest considers its minimum, and while there’s no problem with an entry that small, it means you need to make every single word count, something which the author has failed to do.

That story is then simply one of Beowulf in the past – which is about the only connection this has to Fate at all, which puts its Artistry in serious peril, since with so few words, it not only doesn’t explore enough, it was over by the time I even begin to form my opinion. No matter what sort of story length you have, generally a judge will have figured out his rough scores by the time they’re a quarter of a way through it, and spend the remainder tweaking that score. This means that (considering this fic’s length) you have about 325 words to impress me, and what was there in that span, simply failed to do so.

Beowulf aside, this fic reads like, simply put, it could’ve been any king. Replace a few names, and voila – instant story. If this story still works when I replace Beowulf with, say, Vercingetorix, or even Alaric, then something is very, very wrong.

This is good as a seed of an idea, author, but in its current form, it simply falls flat. It’s good you had the courage to try, but you needed to do far more with this idea – take it, and make it your own – for it to be anything but a blip on the radar. Had you fleshed this story out, gotten to show the more bloodthirsty side of Beowulf, given us a reason to care – the score would be far higher.

But as it is, it’s simply throw-away.

Le Meilleur des Mondes Possibles

Le Meilleur des Mondes Possibles

GOOD

• It knew when to end itself – gracefully.

BAD

• No reverse harem. Then again, how many guys are even worth having a harem for in Fate? Besides Fast Wheels, I mean. And Hang Ten Zelretch.

UGLY

• What sort of school gives out forks? This should be a spork fiesta.
• Lack of stomping on cats, sequining vests, or impersonating Clark Gable.
• Lack of Track Girls as some kind of Sentai group is making me sad.

Artistry: 15/30

Artistry is average. It doesn’t exactly pour on the detail, but it doesn’t skimp on it either. That said, it also kind of bounces from joke to joke, but at least it’s not a gag-a-thon. However, it also does itself a favor by not extending the gag-ness of it (as it does increasingly head in that direction) too much or too far – it knows when to end itself, and it does so relatively smoothly. The best sorts of jokes, after all, know when they’ve run their course. That said, it also wasn’t particularly funny, either; it was certainly amusing, but nothing more than a smirk or two.

Characterization: 15/25

Mildly amusing, especially the summoning scene. But otherwise, everyone is mostly played straight, save for Arturia herself, at least until she gets too pissed off and doesn’t care. After that, it’s pretty much just degenerating into gags.

Setting: 10/20

Homurahara, essentially. Not an original setting, but well, this was supposed to be a slice-of-life... at least until it got hijacked. Still can’t give it much more than that though.

Technical: 10/15

Sometimes lots of actions get clumped into huge chunks of paragraphs, others flowed pretty smoothly. It was easy enough to read, but it did feel disjointed at times.

Uniqueness: 6/10

Slice-of-life that gets hijacked! A novel little twist, but that only earns you a slightly higher than average score... since, well, it ended once the hijack went too far.

Overall: 56/100

A better stab at comedy than most, but unfortunately, this one suffers the same problem in that it was more amusing than funny. Thankfully, it wasn’t a gag-a-thon, but it did become rather gaggy near the end. That said, it did know when to end itself (not stretching the joke out too far is a big boost to any comedy story), but I couldn’t help but feel that it’s a joke that could’ve been done better if it were both a bit longer and if it was a bit more than a one-note deal. It would’ve been neat, for example, if the story kept getting hijacked – let’s throw in a rival Arturia, for example, who wants to become the main character of the story. Then, they get attacked by Homurahara’s famous Tri-Color Trio. Then have this story’s Arturia have to fend off a Rin who’s super-intent on turning this into a Class-S Yuri story (think of how Kuroko crushes hard on Makoto from the Magical Index series). The possibilites were endless.

There was potential here, but the author chose to go "Okay, I got my joke, I’ll end the story." And that’s fine – it’s good to know when you feel you’re pushing the joke too hard, too far.

But it won’t do you much favors score-wise if you don’t push your joke hard or far enough.

The Lone Master

The Lone Master

GOOD

• An interesting twist on the Moon Cell’s Grail War.

BAD

• Couldn’t keep Kisaragi’s name straight.
• Relatively vanilla premise otherwise.

UGLY

• Isn’t it sad, Sakkin?

Artistry: 25/30

Overall, a pretty good Artistry score. It certainly reads like a journal that a teenage girl would make, and it’s a very nice cliffhanger as to whether she tried to fight and faced certain death; tried to find her second key and failed to do so, dying in the process; or if she really did manage to escape. That said, I think it would’ve been a bit stronger if the ending didn’t have that Nero/Master (presumably Hakuno, but... he wasn’t silent any other time, so...) bit, or at least if it did have it, if it would’ve had somewhat more substance. Either way, a nice score here.

Characterization: 20/25

Good characterization, but it is fairly broad in scope, so we really don’t get to see too much interaction. There’s an OC here and there, and Hakuno gets most of the screentime in the supporting cast; I kind of felt like she would’ve been falling for him if things kept going much longer. I was kind of sad at the lack of a few people (Taiga was especially keenly missed), but it was good to see this character reasonably interact with a few more of the power players. Overall, considering the constraints of this being a journal, decently good effort.

Setting: 10/20

Bog-standard, Moon Cell. Doesn’t try any further.

Technical: 10/15

A few nitpicky things here and there, but one major flaw that really stuck out: One of the OCs’ names changed out of nowhere in the middle of the fic, from Shuugen to Shoshichi. That’s pretty bad for you to miss, author, especially considering your fic is relatively short. Otherwise, it could’ve benefited from some extra punctuation here and there, but on the whole, it wasn’t rough to read or anything like that.

Uniqueness: 5/10

Moon Cell Grail War. Not much more to say than that.

Overall: 70/100

Overall, this wasn’t a bad entry – its issue wasn’t so much what it did, as opposed to what it didn’t do. The author had plenty of chances to take this further, to really push this character’s story... but they didn’t.

The ending was essentially a non-ending, which is a shame, and while they interacted with various characters, they amounted to essentially nothing – Hakuno’s a nice guy who gave her a lunch, Rin was someone who persuaded her, and the Aozakis were mostly just there as always. When your most notable character interaction is with your two adversaries, something’s relatively wrong – since everyone else basically took a back seat.

It’s a bit of a shame, because I can easily see the potential in this story. But not only is the mystery of why she had no servant unsolved, so is even what happened to her. The lack of resolution means that basically we had no reason to read it, nor any sense of conclusion to the story in general.

But hey, at least Sacchin got laid... right? Who knew that vampires could still become pregnant...

I think you need to remember that for your next effort, author. For what good is a story that has no end? It’s only so many words at that point.

The Man Who Sold The World

The Man Who Sold The World

GOOD

• Please tell me that was Donald Trump getting executed.

BAD

• Opening a door with a fire going? That’s harder to do than it sounds...
• Occasionally dodgy grammar.

UGLY

• Oh no, not me, we never lost control.
• AMERICA, FUCK Y... oh, wait.
• Emiya Rambo?

Artistry: 18/30

Artistry was pretty decent in terms of details... but the main problem is that outside of things like fighting, it’s awfully void of details. Conversations happen where it’s just two people talking with relatively little happening in the world around them, most notably with Ciel. I can tell there was some effort here – the fights were decently good – but it was somewhat spotty, and hit-and-miss overall.

Characterization: 15/25

Everyone’s just about right in this... except for, well, Shirou – and that’s really my biggest issue with this piece. It’s perfectly in Shirou’s beliefs that he’d want to save everyone, but... going to Syria to do it, and then him justifying killing some people? Bad guys or not, that felt a bit hard for me to swallow.

Frankly, I’ve also got a hard time believing that he’d buy into some other magus telling him that him dying would save others – one of Shirou’s hallmarks is his stubbornness, but even he wouldn’t be dumb enough to think that him dying would stop everyone else’s death. This feels not only out of place with normal Shirou, it feels out of place with THIS Shirou. I’d love to know the author’s logic behind them coming up with this ending, as I just couldn’t find it.

Setting: 12/20

Well, Syria. Not exactly a setting for too many TM stories. Problem is, past Syria, this could’ve been anywhere in the Middle East – or for that matter, almost anywhere at all, since aside from being a setup for a bus explosion (which... could’ve been almost anywhere), the locale was essentially all but unused. It simply became a place, and for good points in this category, it needs to be far more than that.

Technical: 10/15

It’s clear English isn’t the author’s native language, as there was one lapse into Spanish (in the first paragraph!), and later there are questions that are done in the Hispanic style of inverted question marks. It’s possible that the author may have written this in Spanish first, then translated it into English after the fact. While I understand that, this contest is an English-language contest; the conventions of English grammar apply, and so I have to dock some for this. There’s also missing punctuation, quotation marks, and the like sprinkled throughout here and there. Otherwise, it reads well enough, but it definitely needed another pass for spitshine and polish.

Uniqueness: 7/10

Shirou as a mercenary, as almost a Rambo-type one at that... but then for some reason near the end, he just completely and totally gives up. Otherwise, there’s nothing too remarkable about this story.

Overall: 62/100

I have mixed feelings about this entry.

On one hand, it’s arguably the most human entry in this contest this year, but on the other hand, it’s also arguably the least human entry. Let me explain.

Shirou here goes to the war-ravaged Middle East, with the notion of saving everyone, but then has no problem blowing away the bad guys despite the fact they have families too.

He then pushes himself to live, and after five years of war, he’s certainly gotten better at it, being able to take out a whole platoon of American soldiers.

Then, he gets captured and willingly dies...?

......What?

Simply put, the ending, with the whole Russia vs. America thing, it feels just completely tacked on, as if the author knew they wanted to end the story with Shirou’s death, but for some reason needed some way to kill him without him simply dying in battle or something like that. Not just that, but it then begins to boggle the mind – how would he be okay with this knowing he’d be leaving behind Rin, Sakura, Taiga, knowing they’d be fully devastated at his death? Did all that war addle his mind so badly that he became genuinely convinced that with his death, nobody else would suffer? That’s fine for the Syrians (I suppose) but then how does he justify his friends and family back home in Japan? If this was a truly hollowed Shirou, the author should have SHOWN that via one of his conversations with them or trips home, with it being clear to them that he no longer gave his life any sort of value.

The story tries giving us one message, but then winds up delivering another at the last minute. It feels incredibly disjointed – and honestly like almost no real thought was put into his predicament at all.

This "split personality" of the story, for lack of a better phrase, means that no matter how you try to approach this – as either a moral on the futility of trying to save everyone, or the sacrifice of dying so others may live – neither end up being a truly possible conclusion. This story does not know whether it wants to talk about the sacrifices OF humanity, or the sacrifices FOR humanity.

And in the end, that indecision cost this entry dearly.

---

And now with those out of the way, here are the current standings, as of the time of this post.

Standings

	Dark Pulse	AlfheimWanderer	IRUN		Total	Average	First	Second	Third
A Drop of Quicksilver	88	98	?		186	93	1	1
A Summoning	35	85	?		120	60
Being an Evil Kitsune for Fun and Profit	40	92	?		132	66			1
Cursed Cold Colle	97	97	?		194	97	1	1
He Was a Good King	30	72	?		102	51
Le Meillieur des Mondes Possibles	56	78	?		134	67
The Lone Master	70	87	?		157	78.5			1
The Man Who Sold The World	62	73	?		135	67.5
Average Judges' Score	59.75	85.25	?		145	?

[SpoonyViking]

Gah, I really want to comment, but there's still one judge to go!

[You]

In the standing's A drop of quicksilver got 88 not 86

[Dark Pulse]

In the standing's A drop of quicksilver got 88 not 86

Whoops. Thanks for catching that, I'd raised its score in my review but not on the spreadsheet.

That's fixed now.

[ItsaRandomUsername]

Apologies for the delay, uni and RL stuff equals a workload the size of a brick shithouse. But you people don't want excuses, you want reviews -- so let's get right into it!

A Drop of Quicksilver

---

Artistry: 27/30
Solid all around, with a voice that distinguishes itself from the other contest entries. It meandered somewhat in the middle, but since I'm generally tolerant of slower paced tales--as long as the development or lacktherof is meaningful anyways, even in its meaningless--this didn't affect my scoring too badly. Certainly a horror story of sorts, and one that leads to a conclusion that should be foreseen by one familiar enough with the lore.


Characterization: 25/25
All the OCs are jungle-dwellers, and, well, there's ORT. You chose a free-reign path, and for what it's worth it didn't suck. I've read worse stories with worse OCs.


Setting: 20/20
The story did quite a bit of dancing around and used a fair bit of subtlety until it eventually revealed the truth of how exactly this fic is a Type-MOON one. At first, I wasn't convinced, but eventually the juxtaposition of the tribal planetary terminal and the TYPE fell into a tonal niche that was certainly something rather Type-MOON-y, something that leaned more to the unknowing-horror-and-mystery side of things that has been represented from time to time in Type-MOON's works. Also, the use of Mercurian script as spoken by ORT felt like something the company might pull for added flavor, so points for authenticity.


Technical: 14/15
A few word confusions, but nothing that'd net you less than a single point off.


Uniqueness: 10/10
A slow burn, har har, ORT orgin story with a tribal focus and a planetary terminal? Deffo original, deffo full points here. Congrats!



96/100

.
- ] | [ -
.



A Summoning

---

Artistry: 20/30
Successful and engrossing for the most part, with a few hiccups of word choice and the German's godawful but hilarious accent. Still, there were a few lovely turns of phrase that rewarded me as I read, so that's not bad at all.


Characterization: 16/25
That overblown German accent was the best/worst thing about this. I had a few unintentional laughs. Really, thank you for the entertainment. It only added to my enjoyment of your story. Aside from that, fairly basic, but with potential, yet a potential to be merely to-be-realized.


Setting: 13/20
A sub-category Grail War in Brazil with possible Nazis and story book Servants? Possibly an /EXTRA-Alice origin story to boot? Potential, but since this story was basically a prologue I can only reward it so many points.


Technical: 13/15
The formatting is completely fucked for forum viewing. At least the Doc file looks perfectly readable! But yeah, next time just tap enter a couple of times between each paragraph and this story will internet-format ready!

Holy shit, my poor eyeballs. Thanks a million, Milb. :<


Uniqueness: 9/10
See "Setting." If there was more to it I'd certainly check it out.



71/100

.
- ] | [ -
.



Being an Evil Kitsune for Fun & Profit

---

Artistry: 13/30
Writing was competent enough, but boy howdy did this story DRAG. So much filler, with so much pointless cameos, all distracting ADHD-like from the advertised crux of Tamamo and Roman having fourth-wall breaking metahumor about Tamamo wanting a larger role in the story. It could have been cut down to half of the length with little consequence. Overall, much of the humor was very hit or miss, even moreso than how subjective comedy already is. Additionally, this fic in particular felt an awful lot like an authorial soapbox, so a lot of needless opinions and tangents got thrown in there. Now, while Tamamo has played this role of mouthpiece (i.e. Nasu's) in works before, here it feels very off-key.

However, extra brownie points for the bit of comparative mythology surrounding Tamamo's roles in various world myths. It was informative and based in a subject of interest to me. Also, as mentioned before, going to the trouble of actually doing up a resume for Tamamo, even though the potential of that gag was somewhat neutered, IMO, by its reliance on the previous instances of previously established hit-or-miss jokes and authorial biases.


Characterization: 7/25
Everyone felt weirdly off-kilter, or half-realized. A big one is Tamamo wanting to play the role of the villain. Sure, she has her scary and regal moments, but Tamamo's character arc revolves around her not wanting to be a villain anymore. Granted, I can understand that she'd want to cathartically beat the tar out of the embodiment of her own sins, but everyone else took the hit.


Setting: 10.5/20
The halls of Chaldea. A cafeteria, to boot. Not the most vividly envisioned of locales, but it's better than nothing at all. 'Kay. Moving on.


Technical: 13/15
So is it a chicken nugget or a chicken wing? Make your mind up, author! Decent overall, but with a few cursory snags here and there.


Uniqueness: 5/10
Fourth-wall breaking jokey stuff is definitely in Type-MOON's wheelhouse, and has certainly inspired a great many of like-minded fanfics to ape that style for other scenarios. Again, bonus points to you for the resume, but yeah.



48.5/100

.
- ] | [ -
.



Cursed Cold Colle

---

Artistry: 30/30
Vivid, thoughtful, with lots of thematic exploration and tone that was solidly conceptualized and realized from start to finish. A few good, properly set up twists, too! Long as heck, but certainly a treat to read. Full marks.


Characterization: 25 /25
No qualms here. Bram and Gordes and Icecolle all feel genuine. Each of them has their own motivations and the stakes are present and tangible.


Setting: 20/20
If you had commissioned a few illustrations and thrown together a cover and handed me a file of this I could have very well been convinced that Cursed Cold Colle was a bonafide short story. Truly praiseworthy, and rightfully so.


Technical: 14/15
Virtually perfect, with a few typos, missing words, out of place words here and there -- as expected of a 'fic of this length.


Uniqueness:10 /10
You took a risk here, going with C and D-listers like this. They don't already have the latent fame and star power to draw people and build off of -- so everything you did with them mattered, and you pulled it off with virtual perfection. While the plot synopsis was nothing too groundbreaking -- a tale of grief and overcoming it flavored with magus battles and Clock Tower politics -- the presentation and utilization of lesser-used characters truly earned this fic a solid score in this department.



99/100, roll something good with that quartz, bucko!

.
- ] | [ -
.



The Lone Master

---

Artistry: 24/30
Journal entries, none too detailed but certainly serviceable and an easily digestible read. Ends in ambiguity and relative anonymity, like so many of the other 128 Master/Servant pairs in the Moon Cell war.


Characterization: 20/25
OC, so there's some leeway. There's here desperation to survive, and a tinge of mystery and worry about her lack of a Servant, and then -- nothing. Feels like an anecdote of an NPC-related sidequest that could be in the actual /EXTRA, if that game had the budget and time for additional tangential sidequests like that.


Setting: 13/20
Its the Moon Cell and its respective War, and we are constantly reminded of that with everything that drove the main character at the time she wrote her journal entries.


Technical: 13/15
Aside from an OC's name being accidentally changed, it was certainly decent enough.


Uniqueness: 7/10
The epistolary style coupled with the Servantless Master gave it a few points, a godsend against an otherwise bog-standard rendition of the Moon Cell Grail War.



77/100

.
- ] | [ -
.



HE WAS A GOOD KING

---

Artistry: 23/30
Certainly a cut above the average, and it possessed some tangible cadence. Could it have stood to be a tad more bombastic or otherwise engaging, as a king riling his citzenry up should be? It certainly wouldn't have hurt! But still, what we got here was certainly up to snuff even if it didn't quite break that glass ceiling into outstanding.


Characterization: 25/25
Beowulf's at the end of the line, and he's learned things from his past adventures. You sold it to me, I shan't get too nitpicky about this. Good job, author.


Setting: 10/20
I mean, we can ASSUME it is his kingdom, that much can be inferred from reading the story and knowing the myth. The focus of the story wasn't on that, so it really could have been any rendition of the Beowulf myth, and not exactly the Nasuverse spin on Beowulf. While that's possibly unneeded fluff for an otherwise concise story, and sometimes the Type-MOON world doesn't differ that much from ours, but again, this is a Type-MOON fanfiction contest. :P


Technical: 11/15
There's been worse, but this story being as short as it is still should've been cleaned up to spotlessness.


Uniqueness: 5/10
Unfortunately, I'm not a Dane under Beowulf's rule, so I can't get too excited about a kingly rousing speech in this context. While it's certainly not often a staple of T-M fanfiction, it's still a well-used trope elsewhere, so unless it is a sterling realization of said trope (because cliches AREN'T a bad thing!) it's just kind of...there. Still, Beowulf is my favorite myth, so it was neat to see it represented here.



74/100

.
- ] | [ -
.



Le Meilleur des Mondes Possibles

---

Artistry: 26/30
Snappier and it doesn't overstay its welcome, LMdMP is the comedic entry of the BLFFC17that is actually successful as a comedy, in my eyes. There was ludicrosity, sensible self-awareness, and rapid-fire jokes. Could the comedy have been pushed to even farther levels? Sure, which is why you ain't getting full marks. But, it still made me giggle, so good on you.


Characterization: 23/25
Dreams are a funky thing, quick to change and often distracted -- the result of the subconscious mind dealing with everything that an individual has experienced in their waking hours and very whole of existence. Still, Saber kept with the flow, and it was fun to see her and all of the weirdo dream versions of everyone interact and conflict with each other.


Setting: 18/20
Type-MOON does comedy all the time, as supplements to their serious works, so that people 'get' the jokes. This certainly did not feel out of place with that mindset. Also, it's a dream, so you have free reign to do whatever you want.


Technical: 14/15
A few bits here and there. Nothing too distracting.


Uniqueness: 7/10
It's not the first and won't be the the last fourth-wall breaking, self-aware Type-MOON parody, but that's okay. We could use more of those in our lives, especially if this is the general standard of quality.



88/100

.
- ] | [ -
.



THE MAN WHO SOLD THE WORLD

---

Artistry: 17/30
I found it to be overall solid yet unremarkable.


Characterization: 17/25
It's Shirou, yes, but he's a shadow of himself. Or rather, as he could be respresented, knowing Shirou's characterization and story arc(s) and speculative development. I'd've liked to see more, see his character study get pushed to the true breaking point with his destined execution, but welp.


Setting: 10/20
There are decent foundations here, what with the conflict in Syria and the vampire sideplot, but again, it's comfortable being just average.


Technical: 13/15
The most notable technical faults are words in Spanish. Kind of amusing, really.


Uniqueness: 5/10
An Archer origin story -- often speculated upon, and occasionally realized via the written word. Certainly it lacks in originality, but so too does it also lack the oomph of polish by way of solid characterization and interesting prose and exploration of emotions and duty or other possible themes.



62/100

- - - Updated - - -

Again, sorry for the delay, and congrats to everyone who managed to turn in something, regardless of how well I or any of the judges ranked it. Your contributions to the forum culture are welcomed with open arms.

Also, I guess this means the "embargo"(??????) on user reviews has been lifted???????? Anyway, have fun peer reviewing your shit, if anyone still cares to do so!

[You]

Thank you all the judges for judging pretty quickly even if I'm sure you guys had a lot of other stuff.
http://blogs.nrvnqsr.com/entry.php/3...n-Contest-2017

[alfheimwanderer]

Well then, since all the scores are in, I'll steal and update DP's handy table so we can tabulate the winner

	Dark Pulse	AlfheimWanderer	IRUN		Total	Average	First	Second	Third
A Drop of Quicksilver	88	98	96		282	94	1	2
A Summoning	35	85	71		191	63.6
Being an Evil Kitsune for Fun and Profit	40	92	48.5		180.5	60.2			1
Cursed Cold Colle	97	97	99		293	97.7	2	1
He Was a Good King	30	72	74		176	58.7
Le Meillieur des Mondes Possibles	56	78	88		222	74			1
The Lone Master	70	87	77		234	78			1
The Man Who Sold The World	62	73	62		197	65.7
Average Judges' Score	59.75	85.25	76.94		145	74

Final Rankings:

1st - Cursed Cold Colle
2nd - A Drop of Quicksilver
3rd - The Lone Master

Congratulations, and thanks to everyone who entered. Keep working, keep writing, and may the muses always smile upon you.

[SpoonyViking]

First of all, and above all, I'd like to thank Milbunk for hosting the contest and alfheimwanderer, IRUN, and Dark Pulse for taking the time to judge the entries! I would only like to clarify something: my fic isn't meant to be just any story about Beowulf's past, it's specifically meant to delve into Beowulf's merits as a king - or lack thereof.


See, the Nasuverse Beowulf believes he was never fit to be king, as per his profile (and I thank rxrx for providing a summary of what it says) and some of the lines in his Craft Essence (" 'I guess I should act like a king for once' ", "Not for myself. Not for honor, or riches. I would fulfill my duty as a king" - thanks for the translations, mewarmo and CanonRap!). This is in direct contrast to the original poem, which describes him as "a good king" (in fact, my title came from a line which is repeated throughout the poem) - although there are direct or indirect statements that he wasn't a good king anymore by the time the dragon attacked. So, in trying to reconcile the original poem's depiction of Beowulf with his Nasuverse version, I came up with the concept that Beowulf was a hero who acted like a king, but never truly became one.


I tried to explore that dichotomy by a variety of means:
- the way he assumes the role of a king without truly being one by "garbing himself in kingly manners";
- related to the above, the differences between his conscious voice (the grandiloquent style of his speeches) and his subconscious one (his extremely terse inner thoughts);
- his dissatisfaction with the role ("if nothing else, at least the crown gave him that");
- the parallelism with his heart pounding, his thoughts about the true reason for said pounding, and his shame at said reason (notice how he knows he must keep his real feelings hidden);
- how he starts focusing more on glorifying himself than in the plight of his people;
- Wiglaf's unease at the above;
- Beowulf's arrogance in taking only a few warriors with him, explicitly so as to not dishonour themselves (as opposed to taking everyone he could in order to ensure the dragon wouldn't threaten his people anymore) and privately deciding they wouldn't even fight, using his responsibilities as king to weakly justify that decision (it's why that thought is framed as a question, rather than as an assertion - on some level, Beowulf knows he's lying to himself).


It's all meant to culminate in the final reveal that his heart was pounding not out of anger at the suffering of his people, not even out of fear at fighting a dragon, but out of sheer joy that he had an excuse to play the hero once again. I did try to leave it up to the reader to judge whether Beowulf truly was "a good king", but I believe I gave said reader enough clues about his character to make that decision.

Technical (15 Points): 11
It's choppy. You have grammar issues riddled throughout. It doesn't even flow well.

Would you mind actually pointing those technical issues in detail? It would be a really huge help! :-)

Beowulf aside, this fic reads like, simply put, it could’ve been any king. Replace a few names, and voila – instant story. If this story still works when I replace Beowulf with, say, Vercingetorix, or even Alaric, then something is very, very wrong.

Actually, I referenced various passages from the original poem, sometimes directly (such as parts of Beowulf's speech), although I did occasionally change them to better fit my attempt to reconcile both depictions of the character, the original one and the one from "Grand Order".

[Milbunk]

Well it looks like the contest is over and at a decent time as well so congratulations to Cursed Cold Colle and A Drop of Quicksilver for 1st and 2nd! And it looks like my own writing has improved as well, getting third with The Lone Master makes me rather proud. I'll leave it to the writer's to reveal what they wrote but in the meantime I shall also be contacting the winner about the prize.

Once more thanks to everyone participating and here is another year of glorious fanfics and Type Moon stories!

[TwilightsCall]

Thanks again to all the judges and to Milbunk. As always, it was a fun contest! I hit my goal of scoring above 270, so I'm very pleased with where I ended up.

I wrote A Drop of Quicksilver. I was a little concerned when I was writing it that it's connection to TM would be a bit too thin, and it seems that was definitely something you guys picked up on, but all in all it seems like I wasn't punished too severely for it.

Gratz on the win You, it was obvious even on a casual reading that you put a lot of work into it, so enjoy your well-deserved quartz!