I'll just be over here, slacking off.Originally Posted by zikari8
I'll just be over here, slacking off.
These are my Servant and Master sheetsI hope you enjoy reading them:
Servant And Master Sheets
3 - Tyrfling
2 - Watanabe no Tsuna
1 - Brynhildr
Reviews
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Fair point with Charlemange Alter's personality segments, it doesn't help the sheet at all. It's not really worth rejigging it and reposing to the regular CaS thread for that alone so I'll leave it and remember it for next time.
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Also I've found while Gin and Wine seem to help with my writings, cider seems to inhibit it.
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I didn't expect to win but everyone did wonderfully and brought their A-Game (even if my critique seems a bit harsh at times) and I'm looking forward to when the next one begins in about week.
Quest of Fate
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Hermes Servant Collection Master Post
Okaaay, to work! I said I'd reserve commentary for the end, and I'm a ditz of my word. I'll do this in two parts with a lunch break in between since I'm working while I do this, with apologies, and throw my vote in at the end.
Damocles: Abstain from vicious self-criticism! If I have to leave an author's note, it's that I'm surprised I found such a good faceclaim for it. I agree with some of the reviews so far that I probably undertuned the NP, though my mental image of the concussive force thing was "Heracles level impact from a sword on a string" since it's turned into a building/city/army smasher. The rank is because it's anti-unit in his hands, but anti-army when cast out. Overall I'm happy with him, albeit with a number of places I probably would've taken a wrecking ball and restarted if I hadn't been silly and impassioned to finish in one sitting.
Charlemagne Alter: A lot of effort and craftsmanship certainly went into this one. The faceclaim is nice, since it gives an idea of "darkly radiant" with the washed out colors. I do quite like the rationale for him having Imperial Privilege, as well as the text for Tyrant's Charisma calling out to other GO charisma alternates. I'm not as huge a fan of the NPs, but i understand it's a companion piece to Zork's - I think what troubled me was that while it emphasizes the Longinus aspect of Joyeuse, the first NP can easily be a non-factor in many stories with no effect whatsoever while the second NP remains perma-on once invoked, presumably removing the first NP too. The second Joyeuse effect makes a very good 'boss attack' though. The real meat I think is turning Zork's second NP into The World. That could do some monstrous things in a story. This was probably my favorite rival in the early stages.
Pedro de Alvarado: I think this sheet shows a lot of your growth as a Servant designer - but personally I would have saved it for a later contest, where he would've been rated more highly. The personality section was great as was the skills, but the rationale for changing the spear to a sword wasn't that strong, and the entry suffers for it. A strong villain overall though - I'm curious what made you decide to have the flames/NP feed off only his blood, since his character seems like it'd make a very natural thing to turn on a supposed temporary ally in a pinch too.
Mori Ranmaru: Forsooth! I giggled. A cute sheet, defensively oriented as he should be, and the custom skills are interesting. 'Human Observation' + 'Eye for Art' make an interesting fusion as a weapon scanner, though I think Analysis is too simple for the skill name (the word doesn't really feel specific to weapons only and doesn't imply the narrow focus). The NPs suit him and it's a rare thing to come up with an NP for Ranmaru that doesn't turn on protection and self-destruction. I would've liked a longer description for both NPs, tbh, but it's a good effort.
Uther Pendragon: The idea of obtaining a skill after summon is an interesting one and a potentially shaking wiseup. That was a big perk in his favor, though I didn't really buy Illusionism - "I learned high tier magecraft by watching" feels a bit... off? The history also misses some of the Uther stuff in Garden of Avalon, which I would have reviewed before drafting the sheet. Mostly re: Uther's parenting and the circumstances behind his conception of Arturia. It's not a bad sheet, but I think it needed more revision and review of the materials.
Abel and Mechtilde: I am highly curious how you ended up settling on their story, since this was a new one to me. It seems a very obscure story and a short rule to pull together a Saint Graph from. I mean, their stats bear that out too, I suppose, but I'm curious! The skills are mostly terse, but appropriate, and the ones you do expand on are approps. One thing you didn't really clarify that I wonder about - since Mechtilde's NP can be invoked before Abel dies, and it makes a new Abel, is it possible to have two of them running around? Albeit one untethered and probably dying. Or does the Master support three of them for a period of time?
Mehmed bin Murad: Mm. A little undertuned for a Saber, IMO - the stats are highly middling, without the explanation of a Servant who doesn't deserve the class (Nero) or a combo servant (Abel/Mechtilde above). Especially when he's compared to Romulus in the skills. I'm not really clear why he needs his NP just to get to average stats for a Saber. Even his 'in territory / dust cloud Ottoman zerg rush' attack is a C. The choice is novel, and you did good on his description and the flavor of the skills, he just feels undertuned and I'm not sure why. I do like that you made the attack a dust cloud with the force of the army rather than actual army invocation though. That's super flavorful and creative.
El Cid: Mm. I hesitate to be mean, but it's a somewhat by the numbers entry. There's no particular surprises or unique flourishes - I understand why not, from your author's note, but I have to be honest. Nothing in it is done badly, but I don't feel 'the author' or 'the character' in this one. Just the basic highlights of Cid's story. I hope you have more time the next time you compete, and I hope you do compete that time, too!
Kondo Isami: I like to think he'd be 3 Arts meme to go with Okita's speedstering and Hijikata's buster gorilla. I like how you handled him overall - his stats are a touch higher than Hijikata's, but not extremely. I do miss the Koha-Ace headcanon that all the Shinsengumi shared the same two NPs as a joint legend, but alas. His real NP being the "did Shiki cut distance" argument makes me smile and would make for a neat surprise in a key fight. This was the second one that really charmed me in the contest, after Charlemagne.
Janos Hunyadi: I want you to know I had to correct myself from calling him Hyundai eight times. I find it a bit odd he has the Battlefield Mediation skill when it sounds like something that came with the age/experience of his older form... But the tweak to Charisma is novel enough. He feels more like a commander than a Saber though - neither of his NPs really have to do with the sword at all. Which makes the choice for this class a bit less natural and more of a "¯\_(ツ)_/¯" situation. I like your writing though and always appreciate learning about a character I didn't know before. I hope you keep making more!
Ariadne: I'll be blunt in the name of helpfulness. A bit forced into the class - which can work, if you go full ham on your explanation why or its effect on the servant, but I don't think I feel that here. You do have an explanation, but it doesn't really change "Ariadne" in any way. To use my own example, with shyness, I tried to emphasize both Damocles being wrong for the class and what it means for him. Another example would be how Kintoki is actually different for being in Rider as opposed to Berserker, since it amps up his energy and makes him a bit more rebellious.This comes off more as 'Standard Ariadne but with a sword in her hand.' Byakuren is a nice Ariadne design, though, I will say.
Brynhildr: The mental image of her burning is a pretty severe one - I love the NPs, and the bio, though I wonder how long her max operating time is if she's burning up constantly with nothing to inhibit the damage it does - or does it do damage to her? I assume it does, since she's on a pain high, but does the Master have to heal her constantly to keep her up and running until everything goes out of control...? Logistically curiosities aside, this was a very amazing entry and one I never would've thought of. I absolutely adore the premise and the NPs. More than Manaka, she actually makes me think of a BB who lost her chosen one.
[1/2]. Lunch break!
Last edited by Sunny; August 6th, 2017 at 02:47 PM.
Well, giving my votes
3 Points - Damocles
2 Points - Brynhildr
1 Point - Watanabe no Tsuna
These three were the ones I most enjoyed reading. And although I enjoyed others too, I had five that I wanted to give points, but had to cut to three... Damocles in first because, in my opinion, although very famous, Damocles is kinda hard to be made into a function Servant without some excuses (or justifications), and I liked the excuses used in that sheet.
My honorable mentions, the other sheets I also enjoyed reading: Charlemagne, Maria Ursula, Tyrfing, Kay, Sir Lucan, Kondo Isami, Newton. A special (still part of the honorables) mention to Pedro de de Alvarado, that I liked a lot, but I felt that it would be much better as a Rider (I wasn't much fan of the Saber NP and the Rider NP looked good to me).
...You know that you're basically giving the same person four votes here, right? Not against the rules obviously, but still.
3 - Tyrfing
2 - Maria Ursula
1 - Master Cat
Post comments later
Last edited by You; August 6th, 2017 at 04:23 PM.
Though abandoned, forgotten, and scorned as out-of-date dolls, they continue to carry out their mission, unchanged from the time they were designed.
Machines do not lose their worth when a newer model appears.
Their worth (life) ends when humans can no longer bear that purity.
A worthwhile point, kyah. Not that I don't appreciate it. Thanks for liking my work. ^^;
Honestly I spend hours reading every sheet so I didn't really paid attention to the usernames and avatars of each sheet and was just taking notes of the ones I liked more. I didn't even noticed there were more people that posted two or more sheets, except you.
Edit: I may take that in count on the next month, it would be very unpolite changing my choices after they were posted because of that.
Last edited by Hakuro; August 6th, 2017 at 04:48 PM.
There does seem to be a slight vagueness in the rules of voting that's causing this issue. The rules just state that the "winner" is the one with the most votes.
I was under the impression that it meant the Servant Sheet with the most votes is determined the winner. But this argument now suggests that it's the Creator with the most votes wins. Can we get some clarification on that please?
If it is the former, then voting for sheets made by the same person shouldn't mathematically change the outcome as if you had voted for three sheets with different creators. But if its the latter then it does favour them - but is still within the rules as they were stated.
"Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"
(Check out my Super Special Awesome Servant Compendium here)
...I need a nap.
Sir Lucan: I'll be honest that if Bedi needed a plot device to get in, his less famous brother seems even less likely since there's not really many tales about him. As a personality, he's well done, with an awesome faceclaim. The Bond CE and the relations to other servants gives a really good impression of who he is and what he's like. But I just don't feel him strongly as a Heroic Spirit. He reminds me of a Nobukatsu - a strong personality/piece in someone's story, but not a hero himself.
Umar ibn Al-Khattāb: The skills seem fitting, even a good rationale for Discernment of the Poor, which is rare. Personally it feels a bit odd to have Charisma and 'Charisma the NP' and I might have sealed Charisma and noted it is rolled up into the NP, like when a Caster's NP subsumes one of their class abilities. But that's nitpicking, tbh. The second NP is a bit hard for me to understand why the judgment revokes a detail of their legend, though. He seems like he'd be an imposing Saber in a story, albeit maybe not one with a lot of development.
Watanabe no Tsuna: I'm actually still surprised this one turned out well considering writing her was just meant as a distraction from pain. As before, I'll abstain from self-commentary. There's some spots I've since fixed in my personal copy, but I don't believe in editing after I post, so c'est la vie. Mostly touch ups to the lore/personality.
Sir Isaac Newton: A silly servant and a spot of lightheartedness in the roster. I can see someone summoning him intentionally, but not expecting the class. Have we had any Pioneer of the Stars servants with low luck, though...? I assumed the skill means an auto EX luck by its very nature. I like the skills, with the exception of Royal Knight - the idea that being knighted means you're automatically given military planning skill as a Servant is a bit odd. (Does that mean Sirs Ian McKellan and Terry Pratchett will be elevated to tactical genius? Not that I mind, per se...) A hilarious NP premise, though, eheh.
Yagyuu Jubei Mitsuyoshi: I sort of feel like Yagyu Jubei of all people would have more / stronger NPs. Giving him demon blood to explain his pilgrimage is pretty inspired - but it only seems to give him enhanced stats, berserker tier, rather than an interesting ability or quirk. That felt like a missed opportunity, tbh - this strikes me as the foundation for a great sheet that I'd like to see you give more love to later, when not under a time constraint.
William Penn: First off, to get this off my chest: it's terribly, terribly, terribly hard to imagine anyone ever purposely aiming for him as Saber and I can't help but wonder their catalyst/motivation to do so. That aside, I actually rather liked this sheet. The Inner Light skill is very clever, though I'm not a fan of low rank Pioneer. I feel like it's EX or nothing by its very nature, until proven wrong - what exactly does it mean to 'turn the impossible into possible' at lower ranks? The NPs are great, though. While not a powerful Saber, he's an efficient one, and has a very odd motive that could easily turn him into a 'villain' just because of what his NP would do to the world. I wasn't expecting much (from him, not you) and ended up very impressed.
Maria Ursula D'Abreu e Lencastro: An interesting new lesson for me. A modest Saber, skill-wise, I do like Chivalry as a composite skill in her specific circumstance. Since she's inspired by it and emulating it, not naturally holding the skills that comprise it. The NP is great too. I never heard of her before but I really liked the way you wrote the NP - it could have been expanded, but the callout to Ephemeral Dream was charming.
Alfred Hutton: A pretty young servant for a Saber! His stats are higher than I expect of Victorian England. Unrelated: I laughed out loud when the first Google result was a "draw me like one of your French ladies" pose. The riding rank is a bit high when he's only described as riding horses - maybe a C+ to reflect high skill with that mount and low with others? Unless you do want it to extend to other mounts or vehicles in general. Did he really do so much for swordsmanship? Huh.
Boleslav I: A sword somewhat between Gae Bolg and Okita's technique? At least as I understand it. I like that, though his skills are highly specific. You did explain what Golden Rule (Prosperity) does for him, though the 'how' still puzzles me a bit. Like I'm curious what wealth he'd have to show off and how he'd get it and Nation Builder reminds me of Boudicca's memed "anti-Roman" protection in its narrow application. I like what you did with him, though. I think I would've liked a longer bio, personally.
Edward: Nice job merging the pics for the faceclaim! I'll be honest that I'm not that well educated on him, though I'm a bit confused - I read it as he swaps from Paladin style to Dark Knight style, like Cecil in Dissidia. But then the last line of the NP suggests the Black Knight acts, or can act, separately. Which is more common? Is the Stand version a trump card surprise or the norm? His sword NP name amused me for internet memes, which i wonder if was intentional, though the Paladin version seems a bit weak if it only boosts two skills. /ichdein/ indeed.
Yi Sun-Sin: Ohh, a Korean servant. Those aren't common, which seems a shame. He seems more of a natural Rider with the turtle ship - but I like to imagine the shield as pretty huge if he's literally using the ship's top and not a sized down version. The NPs feel a bit modest, to me, moreso the shield than the sword. I'd probably power up the shield... wasn't the Turtle Ship pretty famous or am I thinking more of Civ and that darn super early seafaring advantage? Either way, there's room to buff it. Legendary turtle shell, etc. Didn't the turtle ships have dragon guns too? Food for thought.
Yoshitsune: Ah, a pretty natural choice for a Saber! No faceclaim makes me sad, but I have a strong mental image of her any way. A few critiques: iirc, while I know GO uses it as one, isn't Hassou Tobi not an actual personal skill but one of the five expressions of Shana-oh's Wandering Tales, Ushi's NP? Which I would imagine her older self should still have, though with stronger abilities. The sword NPs are good ones, though. I imagine Yoshitsune a bit differently in my head - colder and more of a killer due to circumstance and repetition - but you gave her hope for happiness that I didn't imagine, so that's yay.
Master Cat: Aiya...! I swear, I wasn't expecting so many last minute entrants when I'd just made up my mind. Adorable faceclaim and incredibly good skill descriptions. Including using Animal Dialogue to talk to people. His NP is modest, but deceptively powerful, since it'll stop him from 'doing anything wrong' absent external factors or a perception check fail. There's not much I can honestly criticize - it's a sheet more charming than I could come up with and there's not really many faults I can think of. A very strong 11th hour entry. Nya.
Tyrfing: Now this was a heck of a shock. I read it as a single Saber at first, not getting what the links on the bottom meant - and even then, Angantır would have been a good contender. Then it kept unfolding, and unfolding, and unfolding... How long did it take you to write? And what gave you the idea...? A very cool, creative adventure through a period I'm not terribly familiar with, starting with a Servant I've only ever seen as a Zerker and ending with one I've never seen at all, before a nasty surprise with the final result in the chain. This very much deserves a story - or could even be the backstory to a scary character/pseudo Tradition Holder - though given the limitations you put on it, it sounds fantastically unlikely to occur. I have my qualms about it as an entry for a contest, only because it makes such a better narrative. It's a curious feeling when my honest thought is 'this was too good to be left here unused.' I'm legit mad at you if you don't do more with it!
Sir Kay: Owie. I really like the prologue. He's weaker than I expected and somehow I had him pegged as a lancer in my head for lack of coverage in the KotR. You write him accurately to Garden of Avalon and the databooks so far, and definitely went further in bonus material than anyone here (even Tyrfing). I like Unnatural Body a lot, though find Deep Wounds as a skill rather than a weapon or NP attribute a bit curious. He has a very odd NP - it's very unlikely to work, given even the Master has to believe him.
Okaay, as promised, my votes.
3: William Penn
(Honestly I am favoring this one just because it surprised me so much. It was very novel and the faceclaim clicked nicely with the design and the skills. I still don't think anyone would ever summon him. But I liked the idea he gives of "someone who might seem heroic but has different motives that would basically co-opt everything.)
2: Tyrfing
(It is entirely arbitrary, but the only reason I give this a lower vote is because I feel it deserves more elsewhere and I want to give others a chance. If I could give this 4 and someone else 3, I'd do that. I can't in good conscience not vote for it but I'll tip the scales any way)
1: Kondo Isami
(I like the Shinsengumi crew and this was a very nicely polished take on him that I just found personally neat and well-reasoned. It felt like a good compliment to how Nasu did Okita and Hijikata.)
Absent the Tyrfing surprise, I'd probably have gone Penn / Kondo / Catto.
Last edited by Sunny; August 6th, 2017 at 05:38 PM.
Currently working on an FAQ section for the op which addresses that among other stuff. Here's what I wrote on that issue.
"How many sheets can I submit?
Two. Also, the votes they receive are counted individually, rather than added up. Note that dual summons or similar such scenarios are counted as one sheet. "
It has to be that way, otherwise submitting two sheets would give one a massive advantage, right. This way, you can submit a second if you feel that your first isn't quite up to par, or want to have another go at it, so on, without actually gaining a straight-up advantage for doing so.
I read Royd's post not as 'the creator with the most votes wins' and more as 'voting for the same person's two sheets gives that person two individual headstarts to someone else's exclusion.' Which to be fair was my reservation with posting Tsuna any way and why I promised to withdraw her if everyone else stayed with one. Still iffy on if I should've.
But yeah, voting for the sheets you like most without considering who did it is valid if you go that way, though I think everyone deserves a shot, so I don't mind excluding the same person from getting a second vote if someone leans that way instead. Either personal preference is legitimate.
You read it right, he mostly fight swapping between the paladin and black knight mode. But he able to deploy it independently as a Last Surprise. And the paladin version is weak yeah, that the direction I going for.
I will post my vote later. I might consider myself a fast reader, but I'm always slow at making decisions and being objective.
You can discussThe OG RequiemConQUEST and other Quests in Discord (disc is much more active here).
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Thanks for the review.
I think I rushed the Yi sheet too much, that i completely messed up the personality section.
About the Ship or the cannon of the Ship, i'm thinking that I should give the cannon for Arher!Yi-Sun-sin and the whole ship for Rider!Yi Sun-sin, perhaps i would make a separate sheet for it, to improve this Servant.
3: Brynhildr, for a unique take on a thoroughly rendered hero that paints a graphic image of the character and conveys the full scale of her tragedy to the reader.
2: Sir Kay, for a well-crafted sheet both working off of what is known from canon and extrapolating new elements that all add up to a vivid character who gives a very different perspective to the Arthurian legends compared to that provided by the usual inhuman kings, powerful knights, and meddling magicians.
1: Le Maître Chat, for sheer creativity, charm, and clever approaches to the base concept.
Chipping in my votes while other people put in the effort to offer criticism and explain their rationale feels lazy but I don't think any cursory comments would be particularly helpful or insightful, and neither would be saying that someone's sheet was good but not good enough. What I generally appreciate in Servant sheets - unconventional concepts or interpretations, abilities that aren't pure filler but follow a unifying concept and/or derive from specific elements of the figure's story even if those are creatively interpreted, and the outlining of an interesting character in terms of personality - is reflected in my choices.
It was a shower thought about what Nasu had said about weapons needing souls to become Heroic Spirits. Then I thought about Anglachel/Gurthang being sentient and how the inspiration for it was Tyrfing, and Christopher Tolkien being the translator of Hervarar saga ok Heiğreks felt like Fate™. That said, it would've been thrown intoif this contest didn't present the ideal excuse to write it.the trash canmisc_story_notes.txt
It took about a week of writing hasty notes on whatever piece of paper was available during work and then trying to make sense of them at home, though a lot of things were changed on the fly whenever I got sick of overthinking mechanics at 4 in the morning. Ultimately the concept settled into the procession of Tyrfing's wielders through the device of the niğingsverk and the familial connection with the curse, having in mind something that could only appear in some crazy setting like F/SF (the last Noble Phantasm being inspired by Watcher's "you will become True Lancer"). I was worried the justification of the premise would have to hinge on high-grade wank/nonsense but a simpler solution occurred that I think turned out okay. The only thing I slightly regret is not being devoted enough to download and install Dark Souls to take a good screenshot of the ghostly Black Knights on the stairs leading to the Kiln of the First Flame, since that was what I had in mind as a visual for Hervör's NP, though I guess it turned out more like the Charred Loyce Knights emerging from fiery portals instead.
Well, I don't make characters unless I can use them for something substantial, but unfortunately this contest qualifies as fulfilment of the maximum effort quota _(:3」∠)_It's a curious feeling when my honest thought is 'this was too good to be left here unused.' I'm legit mad at you if you don't do more with it!
Last edited by Leftovers; August 7th, 2017 at 12:07 AM.
Sorry, not much energy to review or offer comments, but here are my votes:
3 - Brynhildr
2 - Tyrfing
1 - Sir Kay
Yeah, I know about the NP, but it just... really felt like a skill than an actual NP or even a secret technique. And yeah, I was planning for a cold-blooded killer personality for her with something to look up to, but I guess rushing made it come across differently.
I'm suddenly curious to know whether your mental image has her wearing revealing armour like her Rider self or not.
That's a... specific inquiry.
An important one. :/
Wow, I didn't expect anyone to like my Penn sheet this much. While I'm still probably not going to win anything here, I'm really flattered to know you enjoyed my entry enough to put it in first place.
Never really thought of Penn as a possible "villain" funnily enough, although I kind of see the well-intentioned extremist potential now that you mentioned it (which I explored way back with my Saint Patrick sheet). His NP just stops violence and coercion though, it doesn't mindfuck people into slaves of his ideology or anything like that. Personally I see no reason his ideal world really wouldn't be to the benefit of everybody, though Extella's revelations about timelines being pruned if they reach a utopia and stagnate might throw a spanner in the works. (Depending on how exactly the mechanism works; does non-violence necessarily equate to "stagnation?")
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Yeah, that's basically what I meant. Thanks for clarifying me.
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