Unknown Soldiers: JOLLY COOPERATION! Hope Stocks go up and into the stratosphere indeed. I had read Unknown Soldiers before, so I was very, very curious on why I was seeing them again for the sheet, but then found...them untainted. And my gosh I was really happy to see it. All the skills and NPs for the sake of protecting, even though they've been forgotten... It doesn't matter. It is their love that fuels them, and it is their love that asks nothing in return.
How fitting their FC is Solaire. Even better when it was picked as a contrast to their other half. The "shining knight" over the "broken soldiers".
Praise the Warriors of Humanity! \[T]/
Artabanus II: Oh hey Scootch! You're back! Good to see you again! I still remember your Aimo and Lazar sheets so I'm happy to see ya back. But ahem. This sheet... Pfft. A woman who hates her job yet is perfectly suited for it. That job being Conquest of the Horsemen. And yet, despite the impression she gives with literally everything else, especially her skills and NP, once you get to relationships...you see her humanity. The part that makes her hate her job as the First Horseman in the first place. As nearly insatiable her want to conquer seems, it comes from the very human trait of never wanting to fail at what she wanted in her life ever again.
Perhaps the loss of her son in said failure is all the more reason for her refusal to fail? Only she knows...but, unless I'm misremembering/misreading her only failure, that's a thought that came to mind. Especially considering her soft spot for kids...almost as if making up for her lost son.
Alice in Wonderland: A woman passes over words
Realizes the number is off
And finds a simple date
Before a knock goes off
In other words...
Finally I get to comment on this, and I'm a sucker for how it opens. And the rest of the sheet? Using the (very out there) theory (that I only just found out thanks to you making me look it up) of this "genius theory" Caroll had about Jack the Ripper to Dr. Dabbs...and show, for you, an answer in the form of Alice in Wonderland:
The legend of Jack the Ripper colliding with a Dying Dream that refused to Die to create the Anti-Servant of Alice.
I can't help but think it's really neat. I probably don't understand it completely, but I can't help but like the concept of Anti-Servant and the Viral Phantasm and interpret it as a manifestation of "you are your own worst enemy".
Aaaand then, I'll admit, I get to Macaria interaction aaaaaaand I start crying because GAAAAHHHH MACARIA WOULD BE SO TORN. Aaand...I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
All I know is that the interaction stuck out to me because of a combination of it being my Servant and just the AAAANNNNNGGGGGGSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT.
And that I accidentally scroll over your sheet when rereading it so many times.
I swear.
Karl May: You are reminding me I need to read the rest of your sheets because I also love this man. I think you managed to capture what you said you wanted to convey: "pompous, but at-heart good person". Or, in my own words, an old man who loves adventure with a hint of tragedy caused from his bad habits. So overall, I can't but be fond of the guy and thus sad for him with how his NPs work.
Louhi: Why hello first timer! I'm sorry for not commenting more immediately. I really wanted to but, well... Anyways! Hmm. I don't know how to put it, but this sheet felt...clunky. I can say the intro got me hooked, but after that, the pacing is...all over the place. You say in your belated notes you were trying to tell a story and not just a block of info, but after that intro hook, it takes a bit until we get more story. Basically it goes: intro > basic stats > (initial) class and personal skills > noble phantasm chant > prelude to story. Yet there is not story put in the skills.
Like...for example, you could've expanded on why her class skills are at the ranks they are, maybe add to the twist you were trying to go for ("oh I'm misunderstood villain... ...no, I am a villain in denial of being a villain") by giving a description to Madness Enhancement (like: "a class skill marking madness and is signature of berserkers...yet the witch seems to hold it. 'I'm not entirely sure why this is here...' well, with it being such a low rank...perhaps the skill is here as a sign of a delusion she denies she has?"). In the Noble Phantasm section...we don't even get the Noble Phantasm. Just its chant. So, at least for me, it threw me off guard, like it was missing, as the next section went on as if nothing happened, and not only that, but a "basic introduction" to "who" she is.
It felt like I had jumped back to the beginning. Because the next bit after that is the Noble Phantasm itself. So I can't help but scratch my head on why is it formatted and presented this way. Why is the chant is its own section and titled "Noble Phantasm", followed by info on the servant, before going back to the NP in a section titled "Bond 2"? Is it to give the sense that, if you had her as a Servant, you can see the NP, but she refuses to tell you what it is until you're closer? Is the info inbetween the chant and the effect supposed to set up the NP's effect?
And then as I scratch my head, we are told that she is Louhi with Bond 3, which feels aburpt because of the all over the place/clunky I got before this point. This felt less like a natural reveal, an "aha"/"oh no", moment, and more an abrupt reveal, an "oh hey btw this is who this character is" moment.
So by the time we get to Bond 4 and 5, instead of just accepting the newly revealed skill, that I assume has been revealed because of her True Name reveal, and the conclusion you wanted to put, that she was ignoring her hatred for humanity...instead I'm just questioning it all. Why is the new skill all by itself? Why did she trick herself into thinking she wasn't evil? And why is she separate from her Loviatar? Is it truly because she was a human that was suited for a role? Was she a bunrei crrated by Loviatar? Or...does she continue to deny herself? That actually, she does care, that she doesn't want to be evil, but she is so perfectly suited, with too much hate overpowering that one tiny wish of not being someone hated...that she decided to give in and accept what she is?
Tldr: the pacing threw off the story so much for that instead of coming off as like us, the reader, looking for some good in Louhi, like Conscience Bug looking for the same in Jack Horner from Puss in Boots, but both us and Bug are slapped in the face that no, actually, the Servant was a villain all along...it just leaves me with the impression she's
still lying, except now it's with herself.
Which is a shame. I really did like the prose, if the intro hooking me in wasn't enough of an indication, and I think using this Louhi was really cool (no it has nothing to do with the dragon or being associated with death/a death goddess what are you talking about). The idea of a villain who thinks they're a misunderstood one but is in actuality a through and through villain is neat because I can't help but wanna dig into why she was denying her "best role" in the first place. But the ride was really bumpy to the point that it's hard to properly enjoy the journey.
...hopefully that all made sense. That's just how I felt from reading it and this is as best as I can parse it.
Simon Bar Kokhba: ...a pretender who refuses to pretend yet still is in the pretender class... He probably thinks he doesn't think he deserves any other class, except perhaps Faker. As for my thoughts, minus the part about knowledge of the figure himself, I'm pretty much in agreement with Royd. The angst of him wishing to be a beacon of hope for his people but failing and now he tries to resist the temptation of going down that road again but failing that too... It's pretty compelling.
Barbara Newhall Follett: ...gosh dang it yet another tragic figure. For me at least. Like. I'm happy she's happier now that she's a Servant...and I'm a sucker for fairy tales too, like she is... But her career being cut off... Her inspiration running dry as her parents split... Her attempts at being "normal" just leading to history repeating with her... All of it culminating to her disappearing. And not only that, her beliefs, nature and experience meaning that...the only reason she doesn't just outright get rid of the thing she hates is that, to me, she has given up on it. What's the point in changing it? So might as well leave it alone. The only thing that matters is being in the world she dreams of, and she pretty much has it. She is now free from "normal society". And I can't help but feel sad about that despite her being (relatively) "fine" now, you know?
Also:
"Oh... Oh... She is like my Padrona, but... But without her Hope and Kindness. Like... Like if I hadn't been there to...to...t-t-to..."
(Assassin wipes his tears away before he gives his signature reassuring, confident smile)
"Ha ha! Do not worry, Barbara! You are very right! I am no fairy... I am a cat! A very special cat... But still a cat through and through! I do know quite a few fairies though. Come come! I can have you meet them! I'm sure a few of them are still alive and I know just where to find them!"
(Unsurprisingly, he doesn't mind at all she doesn't want to admit he is a fairy. He sees himself as a cat first and foremost, and more importantly, a cat who helps. Add in the fact that he sees in her his dear Soriana but if she didn't have his support, as if this is a manifestation on what would've become of her if he hadn't helped...of course he is going to do all he can to make her happy)
Seriously. First Alice in Wonderland, and now my Puss in Boots. What is with Barbara and making fairy tales like her?
"Höðr"/Mistleteinn: Bad disguise indeed, since it was so obvious something was up right away with the "incomprehensible mutterings" and his "dislikes". But before I get to properly talking about the Servant, lemme get a petulant complaint outta the way: NOOO HODR WHHHHYYYY AAAHHHHHHH. Because yes, my only "complaint" is me childishly wishing Hodr didn't suffer even more. Otherwise...woah. This was really cool. And
fucking terrifying. No no. Not the FC, though I'll admit it is prettt intimidating. Nah, that fucking NP is one of my worst nightmares (that is a swarm infecting me) and I hate it which means man it's good that it made me scared. I think. But uh I kinda scattered my thought order. It's really cool 'cause I think it's such a left field yet reasonable explaination on how it gained sentience and incorporating the properties of the mistletoe itself into their NPs.
I will admit the Keres interaction is incredibly hilarious. XD
Oh and here. Have this.
The Beatles: You're definitely getting better, because I actually like this sheet too, just like Hubbard. All the stuff in terms of his presentation has been carried over to him and I had a good time. Though I am starting to get the impression you're better at doing sheets with some kind of a comedic tone, so I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Between the two though, I prefer Hubbard by virtue of having a penchant for the "shady businessman" archetype. Still, I'm glad you're getting better at this. Here's to you improving more.
You missed some BB code tho:
Originally Posted by
Dreamerless
While playing music, they aren’t just four talented attractive young men, they’re a [B]band[/I].
"Elisabetha K.": Well, I was quite surprised to see another version of Elisabetha...except I was already raising eyebrows at the fact it was shortened to just "K". So I suspected there was more to it, and I was right...
...aaaaaand
im crying
im dying
noooo grieving moms get me
especially when they lost a child
but ESPECIALLY the imagery of "unconsciously putting a hand on her stomach"
idk using that action from a grieving mother always gives me such a visceral reaction
Ahem. In other (more coherent) words, OUCH OUCH OUCH. Yet another quality DelRey sheet, weaving her story through her skills and NP, taking me on a very, very sad ride in the life of this goddess and a version of the wife that loved a man who loved the stars, yet also fascinating to hear because, well, Slavic (and thus really obscure) goddess and Slavic customs.
Add in those little things that just get to me right down to my soul and it's...
again
im dying
someone send help
Also:
"Ah... Kupalnitsa... I didn't think I would ever see you... I...never did like what the gods did with you... I see no crime in your want to reach out to someome that became so precious to you, no matter what his actions nearly caused. ...I know my words mean little to you, if at all, and I'm being selfish in saying this...but I wished I could have helped you. I can't help but want to when you are a mother seperated from her children and I am god of the family and the hearth. ...so will you allow me to help you find them now?"
Sajāḥ bint al-Ḥārith & Maslama ibn Ḥabīb: I always look forward to duo Servants because I am just a sucker for them, no matter what their relationship or dynamic. But of course I was happy to see a couple duo Servant...especially after the slaying of Elisabetha--actually never mind I AM ALSO EVISCERATED. Ok admittedly not as bad as with the above sheet but... Despite not that much being said...what was said though? ouch im sad. And then that Bond CE, I'm just... Yes, Arch-Liar, it's a bad idea, and personally I wouldn't be asking, but like...the fact he says (paraphrased) "if you must believe in anything I say, believe this: we wish to leave a scar on you". Knowing his skill...you can't help but wonder. Did he manage to tell the truth?
Or that, because of his skill...despite him saying "scar"...
...perhaps what he actually wants to say is: "we want you to remember us for the rest of your days".
Prince Charming: Oh hey! Wonderful! A nice pallete cleanser after two sad sheets!
-in spongebob narrator voice: a few minutes. later-
im dead
im bawling
and i wanna give him a hug so much
Just...AAAAGGGGGGHHHH
WHHHHYYYYYYYY
We start off with you managing to make a Servant out of a character archetype, an archetype from a "genre" I am a sucker for (and with an FC of Marth to boot), and I am incredibly endeared by it. No charm skill required. He is Prince Charming.
And then...and then...we get to his NP and...
Wake up
AND THEN YOU TEAR MY HEART OUT
YEAH
IT'S NOT LIKE I NEEDED IT OR ANYTHING
Seriously, like... As a Beast, of course his love is twisted, his kit is absolutely terrifying and the world he makes is exactly the thing I don't want as a reality. The idea of the world being frozen by taking of the idea of "happily ever after" but also making it like...that scene from WandaVision where, when Wanda ain't watching, they are essentially "frozen"...brrr.
And yet
And yet
And yet...
i wanna give him a hug
i wanna have him see
he doesn't need to save us
he just needs to be by someone's side
stick through thick and thin
even if there's nothing you can do
just knowing you're not alone is sometimes all anyone needs
So even though it's such a
horrible idea...
I feel like, if I met him, and I know the full story of his nature as a Beast...
I'd still want to give him a hug
Because who saves the savior when they need saving?
Virochana=Vairocana: Pfft. Likely to be a low eschatology rating indeed. By consequence, I don't have too much to say about it other than, oh neat I learn about another figure I didn't know about and it's presented in a really interesting way. Okay actually to me it's kinda funny because like...with the narrative you presented (and assuming I understood it correctly), his serene version is just him later in life, and yet the container considers him as two separate beings "fused" into one (which I assume is the case irl, as in they are separate figures) because they really are just that different and/or history thinks they are two different beings because of how different their attitudes are.
Helen of Troy: -looks it up- Huh. I didn't know this was a thing. Cool idea. In this case, surprisingly for me, I actually like the sheet for all the technical side. Idk. Basically, while my taste doesn't like the "lack of story" in this sheet, it instead noms on the skills and NPs...and likes it. All of them, by themselves, probably wouldn't be much, but all together? With the NPs capping it off? I like it. Which I'm happy about.
I mean, I'm sad for Eidolon Helen being stuck as...well...this...but yeah.
Cain: ...i admit. I am...pretty neutral about this, and I don't know what to think of that feeling. I mean, it's Cain. He's a big deal and yet I know so little about him. So when we get the really cool beginning, with him on the moon, and the one who we find out is Azazel talking with him...I don't realize who it is until it's outright mentioned. And then I go "wait why is this happening" and then we get the sheet. And it's written well. I enjoy reading through it. Similarly to Helen, the kit all together makes it enjoyable and neat to read. But after the end I'm like...yeah it was a nice sheet.
Actually saying that out loud I think it's just that the quality of everyone else blowing everything makes good sheets seem "less" than the others. So maybe that's why I'm neutral.
Emily Dickinson: ...
"Here lies DracoScribe
Cause of death: heart stopped from Feels"
Because damn it that's what ended up happening again Frenzy.
YOU WONDER WHY I LOVE YOUR SHEETS
WELL I'LL START OFF WITH WHY I LOVE
THIS SHEET
We begin with a narration that gives a "once upon a time" feeling
Then the next section...she tells me, Me, through the screen that she's talking to Me
We may never actually meet for real, but for now, for this moment...let's take a little walk together
A little walk through the journey that is her sheet
Her skills
Her story
Her words
Her journey
Her little cheeky moment about the relationship section...
Before it's time to say good-bye
All of that together
Just
Just
Just
AGGGGGHHHH
It's like reenacting my feelings with meeting amazing people on the internet
I may never get to actually meet them and see their faces
I may never get to hear their voice and see what their homes are like
But for this moment
This space where words can reach anyone who passes by
We're connected
I'll admit, Morg's thought were insightful, 'cause I can definitely see that with her NP
I mean
It's obviously able to be used offensively
And it is worrying
I mean, if there's one thing I made clear with Macaria, there is a difference between accepting Death and just "letting it happen"
And with the journey that led up to the
...
Perhaps it's fitting I have a different
on this End
Not as an NP to use as an attack
But rather the End of this
"What You make out of the End is up to You."
That is why I gave her the title of "A Journey for You and Me".
And I am not sure if I conveyed all that I love about this sheet well enough, but I hope at least some of it did.
Nicholas and Perenelle Famel: I can see what you mean but this is more a concept than a character. This feels less like a sheet a more a snippet one shot, the one where we jump back and forth between points in time yet still tell a cohesive story. And honestly I still like it despite of, and because of, that. It tells just enough to not seem like a bunch of random ideas thrown together. The two who reached eternity...have been together for so long they know each other inside and outside and inbetween and in the cracks...that they may as well be one. It feels poignant to me.
Heraclius=Armilus: I think the best I can describe this is, ironically enough, a fun sheet. I entirely blame the relationship section for that. Specifically against one shining phoenix hero. I mean we got this guy who's supposed to be demonic and fated to fight a Messiah all thanks to a syncretism between him and the fated opponent. And yet here we have him switching between sounding all hyped for fighting and the regality of a king final boss at the end of the world. I don't know. Out of all the things im this sheet, that was what stuck out the most.
Apep: I'll admit, knowing the FC is Grima is affecting my opinion, in a "this really feels like a rip-off" way. Now, while I don't mind expys (and honestly like making them; I
have made them before), this one feels...I don't like saying this but they're the only words I got: it feels lot more amatuerish in using references to the FC. But I think I know why it feels that way to me. While the presentation is most definitely good, all the images strike imposing power and dread of the sun being devoured, there were
way more errors than usual from you. From awkward sentences to wrong tenses to missing punctuations, it was to the point that the editor in me couldn't help but bother me throughout my reading of this. I did my best to shut it up, but it was hard to when after that rather strong opening of Apep's titles and FC, like the intro sequence to a boss, the first line of the lore literally begins with two noticeable errors and that continues on for the rest of the lore. Add in the fact that in lore is long, and that meant it was even harder to get through for me. I suspect it's because of the fact you did this on your phone.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
