Year: 2018
Location: Bianca’s Mansion, Fairyland
“Bianca…”
I try to calm myself as I search for the words to say. I need to think carefully about what I want to tell her.
Normal reasoning and common sense won’t work on Bianca. Things that would be obvious to any other person are alien concepts for her. In her mind, things like ethics and morality are non-issues. She simply doesn’t think such things apply to her, because of how special she is. Therefore, no matter how much I argue it, the idea that she’s doing something bad has no effect on her.
In that case, I have to reword my approach in a way that can get through her thick skull. If she only cares about herself, I have to make her think about the topic in terms of her self.
“Bianca, have you ever considered what it would be like to be mind controlled?” I finally ask her.
“Huh?” She responds with a tilt of her head.
“For example, what if I used my power on you right here, right now? What if I used Mind Break to make you do whatever I want regardless of your own will or desire? How would you feel about that?” I interrogate firmly.
“Hm? Well…” Bianca begins to ponder.
Bringing her hand to her chin, she makes a pensive expression as the gears in her head visibly start turning. It seems that she’s taking the question rather seriously.
I’m sure it’s a question she has never thought much about in the past. For her who considers herself the only player in the world, the idea that the tables could be turned on her must be foreign to her. That’s exactly why I need to make her properly think about it and put herself in the shoes of others.
“Hmmm, I’m not sure.” Bianca finally answered after her brief moment of thought. “I don’t really know how I would feel. I mean… that’s not up to me, right?”
“Eh? What do you mean?”
“In that scenario, you’re the one who would decide how I would feel. That’s the whole point of our abilities, isn’t it? So, whether I like it or not depends on what setting you’d input.” She calmly states.
Well… she’s not wrong.
“No, no, that’s not the point.” I shake my head emphatically. “I mean, how would the current you feel about being mind-controlled? About having your free will stripped away and having your mind violated by someone else? Doesn’t that thought scare you?”
“Hmm, I don’t really like thinking like that. I think it’s just unnecessarily stressful to get worked up over that kind of stuff.” Bianca remarks nonchalantly.
“Over mind control?” I ask, surprised at her thoughts.
“No, just the future in general. I feel like it’s no good to get anxious about uncertainties, so I try not to think about it too much.” Bianca explains. “Besides, what’s more important is how you feel afterwards, not how you feel before, right? Like, everyone’s scared about going to the dentist beforehand, but then they feel good about it after since their teeth don’t hurt anymore. We don’t say that going to the dentist is bad just because we’re scared of it, do we?”
Giving a blasé expression, Bianca pulls up her chin haughtily.
“I guess that’s how they’re programmed, but NPCs sure seem to like worrying all the time. Personally, I think getting all anxious over things you can’t control is silly. If you start caring about stuff like that, you’ll never be able to enjoy the moment.” She states.
“So what? Are you saying you aren’t scared of being brainwashed?” I ask her directly.
“Hm? No, not really.” She just shrugs. “I don’t really care.”
I’m astonished.
I was certain that playing towards her own potential fear would help Bianca start to put herself in other people’s shoes, but I hadn’t expected the chance that she would be so apathetic to it.
“W-why?” I question in a quiver voice. “Why does it not bother you? It’s mind control, you know. Brainwashing. You’ll lose all semblance of free will. You won’t even be you anymore. The you that’s here right now will cease to exist. It might as well be death!”
“Yeah, I don’t mind. You’re free to go ahead if you want.” She bluntly replies.
My shock and disbelief become immeasurable. Bianca has far surpassed my expectations.
“Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. Nothing really matters. Living, dying, free will or not, it’s all the same. As long as I’m having fun, I don’t really care.” She says, almost sighing, with blank, lifeless eyes that have lost all their light.
“You… aren’t even afraid of death?” I gape at her incredulous statements.
“Nah, not really. I’m not like normal people after all. Stuff like regrets or lack of fulfillment are for those who aren’t competent enough to do whatever they want. But I’ve already gotten everything I could ever want so many times over that it makes me yawn. So, I don’t really care if I were to die right now.” She explains in a somber tone. “Well, actually dying seems like it’d hurt a lot, so that’s a minus, but it doesn’t sound like Mind Break is painful, so whatever.”
I see. I now understand what’s up with this stupid girl.
Bianca Chrome has no fear. All her life, everything has always gone her way. No one has ever told her no and nothing has ever gone against her plans. That’s why she has no sense of anxiety. Since everyone does as she pleases, there are no uncertainties and there’s nothing to be scared of. That’s why the idea of fretting about the future feels alien to her.
Bianca has never needed to think about the future since she always knew that things would work out however she wanted. She only has to live in the moment, indulging in physical sensations through instant gratification. That way, every day is utterly perfect and the happiest day of her life. There will never be a sadder day and there will never be a happier day. Since she already has anything and everything she could ever want, there’s nothing for her to work towards, nothing for her to regret when she dies and… nothing for her to live for.
That’s… kind of sad.
“Ah, we kind of got off track there, Ben. What were we talking about? Oh, right, you were complaining about how I use my powers.” Bianca continues with no regard for my stunned state. “Honestly, I still don’t get why you’re so huffy about it. Caring about silly stuff like right or wrong is beneath us. We’re the players so we don’t need to involve ourselves with NPC matters like morality. There’s nothing to threaten us so there’s nothing to worry about. Isn’t that great? You can live a life without any stress or anxiety if you’d just stop beating yourself up, Ben.”
“… yeah, you’re probably right.” I sigh heavily.
“Oh?” Bianca perks up, raising a brow. “You actually agree? Have you finally come to your senses?”
“Even I know that I’m missing out on a lot in life. I have no friends, I have no hobbies, I have no treasured memories. When I reflect, I realize how few times I’ve genuinely had fun or smiled before in my entire life. I’m sure if I could just loosen up like you, I’d be a lot happier.” I admit reluctantly.
“So, you do get it! That’s great, Ben!” Bianca eagerly beams, clapping her hands together.
Her eyes light up with hope washing away all of the previous dull, lifelessness as if a single word could part the clouds in her mind. In sharp contrast, though, I feel more miserable than ever as I hang my head in shame.
The truth is, she’s not entirely wrong. Most humans are naturally cooperative and empathetic. Only by working together and supporting each other can they become greater than their sum and manage to survive and thrive in this world. And from that bond, love and justice are able to be born. One could say that such things are a necessity for the continued existence of humanity. But what if such things are not necessary. What if someone can thrive on their own not through the support of others but by manipulating them? Does that person need to care about good and evil? Does that person need to care about the people they control anymore than the animals they eat? Probably not.
If such a person exist, they would surely possess a peace of mind that few other people can ever obtain. In a sense, one could even say that they would reach be removed from all human concerns and reach a type of enlightenment. Such an existence would surely be far happier than any other human life. Such an existence would only be natural for such a person.
But—
“But, I can’t.”
“… Huh?”
The moment the words leave my mouth, Bianca’s smile fades just as quickly as it appeared.
Quietly and slowly, I lift my head and meet her eyes.
“You see, Bianca… I’m a coward.” I confess to her. “I can’t be like you. I’m just too much of a scaredy-cat.”
“Wh-what are you talking about, Ben? You’re a Player too so you don’t have to—” Bianca stammers.
“But I do. I get scared really easily. I worry about all the most pointless things and I always feel anxious. Whenever I talk to someone, I fret over what to say and how I look. When there’s something important happening the next day, I can barely sleep at night as I think about all the ways that things can go wrong. I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of other people. There’s no end to the things that frighten me.” I tell her, clutching my chest as the contents of my heart spill out.
A familiar pit in my stomach churns as it always does, winding up my body until I feel like a shriveled up, quivering mess.
“But y’know, more than any of that, I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of what I might do and who I might become. I don’t want to be monster. I don’t want other people to think of me as a monster. I don’t want to accept that I am a monster.” I say, digging my nails deeper into my chest as if to draw blood from my heart. “To you, that might be stupid, but I can’t help but be afraid of my own reflection. For the past ten years of my life, there has been nothing I’ve been more scared of and hated more than myself.”
I pause for a second and bit my lip, as if holding back something shaking withing me.
“But recently… that changed. For the first time, there’s something else that frightens me even more than my own shadow. No, it frightens me because it’s no different from my own shadow.”
I take a final sigh and force out my final words towards the specter staring across from me with lifeless eyes.
“Bianca, you scare me.” I sincerely admit. “I’m afraid of you. That’s why I can’t be like you.”
That’s all I could say to her. Even if she doesn’t fear herself and other people can’t fear her, I alone am still afraid of her. I alone can see what kind of monster she is. If no one else will hate her, then I’ll hate her enough for everyone.
If she is the way she is now because she has never encountered conflict, never known fear, and never questioned herself, then I’ll give her enough trouble, anxiety, and doubt to smack that arrogance out of her.
“…”
Bianca is silent.
After my declaration, she froze up and has remained standing still, stiff as a board. Her arms dangle limply by her side and her eyes lose all their light. At that moment, she looked no different from a hollow doll, devoid of all life.
And then, so quietly as to be nearly inaudible, she murmurs.
“… I thought you would understand.”
Before I can even react, she starts sprinting away, rushing out of the bedroom and slamming the door behind her. The last thing I see as she passes by me are the slight traces of tears beginning to well up in her eyes.
After the door closes, I hear the slightly distant sound of the adjacent door to Bianca’s room violently opening and closing as well. In the end, I’m left all alone in the room once more.
Reflecting on everything that had just happened, I slowly saunter back to my own bed and collapse onto it, feeling exhausted. Not wanting to bother myself with that whole ordeal anymore, only a single thought remains in my mind.
“… who the hell would want to understand you?”
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