Hi friend, I'm so sorry about that. I thought it was getting better with Hina, Malinche, Isabel, and now Leda, in terms of elongation. Any suggestions on which areas need most updating or any other comments?
Anyway just wanna give a heartfelt thanks to y'all! Really appreciate the feedback and I'm super glad you all generally liked the last two Servants I posted. Now for something significantly less ambitious!
(Warning: Thot Below)
"Heyyy~! We suppose our name is Sava Savanović! Honestly though, you can just call us Radojka! Isn't that name so much better, anyway?"
True Name: Sava Savanović
AKA: Radojka
Class: Assassin
Alternate Classes: Funny Vamp
Alignment: Neutral Evil
Origin: Serbian folklore, 18th Century
Gender: Female (plural)
Height: 160 cm
Weight: 10 kg (?)
Species: Bloodsucker
Likes: Attention, rich men, flowers
Dislikes: Poor people, work, daylight, "People who think they know shit about me when they totally don't."
Natural Enemy:That Dumb, Flat Attention WhoreElizabeth Báthory
Attribute: Earth
Armaments: Personality
Your Toxic Bloodsucking Butterfly GF
Background
"Oh my gawd, don't be such a bummer! Get to the, please!"part about megood part
Lore
Personality
Relationships
Bond Lines
Servant Stuff
Author Notes
Last edited by kiwi; June 9th, 2022 at 05:37 AM.
Sava Savanović: Cute and psycho. Vampiric butterfly colony as a Servant is definitely a creative concept. For what could've been a very one-note character you did a good job of adding some nuance and vulnerability to her.
Oh, that faceclaim. Capriccio is a great artist, I've been trying to get an idea that fits his or Mika Pikazo's style for a while.
I love how the mechanic stuff is the least important part, just bunched together at the end for completion's sake.
The Bond Lines are cringe as fuck so I'd say you really captured the waifubait essence.
Also I love your titles.
It's not even about the actual quality of the sheets, just the amount. You just can't put that much effort in any one sheet when you're writing five a day.
I can give you some comments on Leda, but to be honest, they're not kind. It's not about just elongating stuff, it's about writing enough to convey the character or the story.
The lack of formatting makes everything hard to read, you should use more bold, italic and line breaks.
The skills are barebones and almost purely mechanical, and skills should be either creative and interesting by themselves, inform us on the character, progress some narrative or all of the above.
The characterization is dreadfully short to the point that I can't even write any constructive criticism on it, the amount of info displayed there could be found on any wiki, and your take on the character lacks emphasis despite the inclusion of dialogue.
Last edited by pinetree; March 29th, 2022 at 11:30 PM.
Thank you for your constructive criticism. I will rework and edit all of my old sheets, and take more time to write each from now on.
crazy part is the vampire butterfly thing is a real myth, shit's crazy in serbia
glad you like her tho, thanks!
i have yet to make a servant where i put equal effort into the mechanics and the character, it's always one or the other. should work on that!
as for the bond lines, it's easy when i myself am cringe
(the titles are a labor of love and i'm glad they're appreciated )
And don't be so hard on jishara. After all, I do my sheets all in one sitting without planning ahead.
Last edited by kiwi; March 30th, 2022 at 01:29 AM.
Great sheet, cool concept, fun character, hot FC, fantastic titles. Good to see someone else put so much care into the presentation. Please continue your entertaining sheets they are a joy to read
And pls make a servant compendium!
And i agree with pinetree about jishara. What I understood is he does not write them but copy them from his 110 servant backlog. Right, jishara?
But this doesnt make it better. We create servants for fun and put a considerable amount of thought and effort into them. We mostly post what we like and are content with showing others. We go for our own quality instead of quantity. I get the feeling you go for quantity instead. You are also ready to update any sheet you did instantly like you do not even care about them in some way. There is the lack of "Im proud of this" and a certain lack of understanding of the servant itself.
The impression I get is you read a wiki and made their kit right away, then onto the next servant.
You seem disconnected from your own servants and when we feel that, why should we bother connecting to them?
Because you dish them out so quickly there is also the problem of memorability. No hook to which we can latch on. We remember kiwi sheets because they can be absurd and fun, pinetree's for their grander scheme behind them, BnEl's for their deep characters, Royds for their yearlong thoughts in them, etc.
We do not remember mass produced goods.
So what can you do? Cool your engine a bit. Read other sheets and learn from them. Start formatting a bit, you heard that several times already. I would even say take the template that was posted here earlier and use that. Add flair to your skills, explain what they do and why they have it. Convey what the servant is through the skills that made them worthy of being a servant.
If the presentation changes and takes up more space, problems i mentioned are alleviated.
In the end those are my 2 cents on the matter. In the end do what you want
"Let's see the color of your coin, my friend."
Behold my vault of Heroes.
Where the Heavens and the Abyss breath the Music of Humanity.
The King's duty is to provide. And provide, I shall.
University of Formatting | Gallery of Potential | Memorandum of the Extra Class Kings
Our Kingdom will grow. And we shall know each citizen.
Create-a-Servant 4 soon.
Hello DelRey, thank you for the comments. At this moment, they are ones which are from the backlog. I'm sorry that it seems like I read a wiki and made their kit right away as you said: I spend a fairly large time and several iterations working on them. I'm also sorry that it seems like I don't care about them: I spent a lot of iterations trying to get the ability and the personalities right, and I really do care about them, but I also care about making them better so that the ideas can shine through better, and I know almost everyone on here can do it better than I can, so I'm following their feedback.
I will use the priorly posted template. I will also work on adding more flair to their skills and update their formatting.
Thank you again.
Last edited by jishara; March 30th, 2022 at 07:46 AM.
and yet nobody saw that i spelled her name wrong in the title until i right just now noticed it and fixed it
might make a compendium.... some day.....
"Let's see the color of your coin, my friend."
Behold my vault of Heroes.
Where the Heavens and the Abyss breath the Music of Humanity.
The King's duty is to provide. And provide, I shall.
University of Formatting | Gallery of Potential | Memorandum of the Extra Class Kings
Our Kingdom will grow. And we shall know each citizen.
Create-a-Servant 4 soon.
I honestly have no idea how they would work out, but I do know that I feel kind of sorry for whoever summons them. I'd imagine they would have a role similar to Iskandar in Zero, where everyone kind of knows that they probably won't win, but they are still likeable enough to get people to root for them.
I doubt this was directed at me. But, regardless of that, I'd be happy for anyone, really, to use my sheets for anything they like. I'm also really interested in those campaign diaries and look forward to that, if they happen.
Now, on to the Servant I prepared:
《 ~~ ★ ~~ ✈ ~~ ★ ~~ 》
»The first rule of all air combat is to see the opponent first.
Like the hunter who stalks his prey and manoeuvres himself unnoticed into the most favourable position for the kill,
the fighter in the opening of a dogfight must detect the opponent as early as possible in order to attain a superior position for the attack.«
»To be a great pilot you have to make a pact with the devil, but don't let him swallow you up.«
《 ~~ ★ ~~ ✈ ~~ ★ ~~ 》
A few tips for Jishara
With that out of the way, Boelcke:
Oho, now this is something. Do you specifically have a thing for WWI-era Servants, or is it just a coincidence that your second sheet is from the same era as the first? Not that there's anything wrong with it. As for the sheet itself, I like it. Formatting-wise, I see your style is a mix of Del's and... a bit of my new style? Even I'm still experimenting with that one, admittedly. NP is simple, but it fits him, and is better than Classing WWI-II era pilots as Riders and just giving them their most famous plane as an NP. The characterization is great, and each quote really helps you build the big picture. I especially like how you managed to fill the Description section just with likes/dislikes/wish, while still perfectly encapsulating his character through the other quotes. It's something even I personally can't do. All in all, nice work.
Oh, also:
Yess~
Embrace the path of angst, dear newcomer~
Continue my legacy~
Last edited by BnEl15; March 30th, 2022 at 09:42 AM.
Thank you for the advice. I will edit them. And sure, my next one will be completely not from my backlog. I've already been working on her for the past bit, and I think she will come out effectively.
Last edited by jishara; March 30th, 2022 at 11:02 AM.
Source: Jasmin Darnell at Comic Art Fans
Class: Archer
Other Classes: N/A
True Name: Gandhari, Queen Of Hastinapura
Alignment: True Neutral
Place of Origin: India (Mahabaratha)
Parameters:
STR: C
END: D
AGI: C
MGI: A
LCK: B
NP: A
Height: 188 cm
Weight: 170 lb
Likes: Her children, boons, showing solidarity
Dislikes: Ableism, the Pandavas
Talent: Living blindfolded, utilizing magical eyes
Natural Enemy: Arjuna
Attribute: Earth
Traits: Weak to Enuma Elish, Divine
Armament: A blindfold
Catalyst: A worn and torn blindfold
Class Skills:
Magic Resistance A+: As a queen from the age of gods who faced down and met many sages, and even slew a god, she has one of the highest ranks possible. Almost any magic that attacks her is simply thrown aside.
Independent Action D: A pittance provided by her class. Gandhari was never known for being particularly independent, so has a very low rank. Allows for materialization for only sixty turns without a master.
Personal Skills:
Mystic Eyes Of Smiting B: This skill is the sublimation of the power of her eyes, which were granted to her via her constantly wearing a blindfold. She can utilize this by staring through the cracks in her blindfold, utilizing a curse of burning that targets whatever she sees. Thus, she prefers to keep this covered.
My Blindfold B: This skill, the sublimation of her constantly wearing a blindfold in solidarity with her husband, allows her to do something similar. If any of her allies are handicapped in any way, which includes temporary handicapping injuries or spells, she is able to temporarily draw the handicap apon herself. This causes her to not be able to use that part instead of her ally.
May You Have One Hundred Children C: A boon bestowed upon her by the sage Veda Vyasa, which allowed her to have a hundred and one children. This allows her to split herself into clones numbering up to a hundred and one, one for each child. However, each clone loses statistics depending on the seperation number, and so if she was split into 101 clones, each clone would lose all of her specialties and be just an ordinary human, but if she was only 2, one clone would have half of her power.
Noble Phantasm(s):
Eye Of The Queen Mother
Gandhari's Blessing
Type: Anti-Unit
Rank: B
Range: 30 feet
Max targets: 1
Another use of her mystic eyes, the sublimation of her blessing of nigh-invulnerability granted to her first son. When invoked, she stares down the target ally. Any of their skin that she is able to see becomes as hard as stone and bounces back noble phantasms below B rank. However, any skin she cannot see doesn't become as hard as stone.
Eye Of The One Who Lost
Gandhari's Curse
Type: Anti-Unit (Anti-Army)
Rank: A
Range: 30 feet
Max Targets: 1 (1000)
Her most powerful use of her mystic eyes, the sublimation of her curse on Krishna that he and his people would perish like her children did. When invoked, she removes her blindfold and stares down the targeted enemy. A curse will be placed on them that will take effect after one and a half days. It shall cause an improbable string of effects that causes the targeted enemy and anyone they count as family to die immediately.
Lore: Gandhari was the queen of Hastinapura during the Mahabaratha. She was born to the king of Gandharva. Once, the sage Veda Vyasa came to her palace. Impressed by her hospitality, he gave her a boon where she would bear one hundred sons. Later, she married her husband Dhritrasha, and upon realizing he was blind, began wearing a blindfold permanantly in order to be like her husband, a sign of dedication and love. She became pregnant, and carried the child for two years. Then one day, when she heard Kunti, the wife of her brother-in-law and a younger sister figure to her, had just given birth, she beat her chest in frustration, only to give birth to a ball of hard flesh. Veda Vyasa immediately arrived, and she bemoaned him giving the boon. However, Vyasa spoke to seperate them with cool water sprinkled over the ball of flesh, cut it into a hundred parts, and place each one in a pot of butter. She confided in him that she wanted a daughter as well, so he cut it once more and placed that new part in another pot of butter, and this created her children. During the Pandava War, she brought Duryohadna before her to bless him. Taking off her blindfold, she fixed him with her gaze, and granted him nigh-complete invulnerability. However, as he covered his loins when he came before her, those were not made invulnerable. All of her sons were killed against the pandavas. When she heard, through a gap in the blindfold she saw the eldest Pandava's toe, and charred it black with her power. When she heard the news that the family of the pandavas had died as well, she consoled and comforted them. Then her wrath turned to Krishna, cursing him that he, his city, and his subjects would perish. Her curse took its course after 36 years, when Krishna died and ascended back to heaven, and so did his entire dynasty. Seven days later, his city sunk beneath the waves. She left after 15 years, and along with her family left to achieve enlightenment, successfully achieving it upon their death.
Personality: A wise and sagelike woman, with always a right word to give. However, she is completely unbiased. She will, upon summoning, refuse to assist her master in the war, and take on a role akin to an overseer Ruler-class servant. But she is not a Ruler-class, as she has her own wish for the grail, that her family and the pandavas would have remained together happily.
Relationships:
Pandavas, Karna and D/E-rank luck: "Oh, poor children. I wish you well in your journeys and the luck that you so rarely had in life."
Ruler-class servants: "Why am I not one of you, you ask? Try as I might, I cannot let go of my wish for my family to be happy."
Sessyoin Kiara: "That woman. She appeared to be akin to me at first. And then she attacked with obscene images. Peculiar."
Creator Notes: I tried out this new format and she wasn't on my list, but what do you think?
Last edited by jishara; June 20th, 2022 at 03:08 PM.
Pretty good sheet. You should do more Indian figures.
Nice, the fc helps me better visualize the character, the Skills/NP have a bit more substance to them, and the formatting is better. I think you're improving. On the topic of formatting, it might be good to double-check the spacing before you post, as some sections feel incorrectly spaced, or they just feel like a massive wall of text without spacing/paragraphs to separate them. But all in all, you're getting better.
As for the sheet itself, I'm wondering why she's an Archer. Do you go by Fujino's logic where her mystic eyes are treated as a "long-range weapon"? Cuz' aside from that, I don't think she ever used any other long-range weapon. It's still a fine sheet though.
What stats do I give marx? He's an alter ego
Thank you so much! She's an archer because her mystic eyes are the long range weapon like Fujino. Thanks so much for the comments. I will update the old ones and then continue writing new ones. And of course once I get to the Ravana and Ashoka lostbelts then there will be a lot more Indian servants.
Update: Updated Saint Catherine
Last edited by jishara; March 30th, 2022 at 03:02 PM.