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Thread: Create-A-Servant 3

  1. #7421
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    I see, I will kept that in mind for the next few servants that I made. I get what you mean with some them especially the earlier ones. Like I think I make most of them don't really know what to do with the Holy Grail. Though I try add a bit off drama to these servants like with Aisha and her weird complex of her innocent monster skill, Abd Al Raman with his cowardice a bit. But yeah, I can see why it's bit lacking. It's really hard to come up with these stuff without breaking their core character that has been recorded in history. Though there is one servant that people pointed out that I could much more with her as I more liberty with that any other servant. So any tips that you might know to add these stuff would be really great.
    Last edited by Ismail2002; January 17th, 2022 at 06:18 PM.

  2. #7422
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Kabalisto Koga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tabris View Post
    If I may be frank, Ismail, while your Servant sheets are competent enough (not to mention that they fill up a Muslim-sized vacuum, which is unfortunate given the prominence of Islam, never mind the circumstances of its rise to relevance and subsequent endurance), they lack personality. They're all bland, all mildly agreeable but otherwise one-note sorts. No hint of inner drama. They just drop by, say their piece, throw hands as needed, and promptly dissolve, or at least that's my impression of all of them. Not that I'm one to talk -- I haven't submitted any Servant sheets of my own, myself, and won't for at least a month more -- but still, consider that in the Nasuverse, they're Heroic Spirits, Servants fighting each other in Holy Grail Wars, due to desires they cannot fulfill in life, that their incarnations are basically thus distilled essences of those desires, their motivations, their raisons d'etre.

    Don't take this as a slight against you. Just, you know, a bit more oomph, if you will.
    i would say give him time and experience a bit as he still is trying to find his style.
    Your verified Chikara-production Studios !

    Dont ship me with anyone unless i say so !

    When you wake a Dragon in his Lair...





  3. #7423
    Local Extra Class Aficionado DelRey's Avatar
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    I personally feel like you are too fast.
    you almost release a servant daily.
    Give it a rest, let ideas well up a bit. When you think you are done get a bit of distance to it and read it the next day and think about what could be better. Be it spelling (recommended), wording or descriptions that could make it more nuanced.
    Pumping out one sheet after another is not the complete way for gaining experience. Put more time and thought behind your creations and understand your own thought process behind them to identify where you might fall into traps that were mentioned here.

    For comparisons sake, the quickest sheets I made were shit posts. I did them in four hours. Other sheets took several weeks. Of course I dont sit the whole day on them without end, but researching and circling ideas around your head when you have the time proved that sometimes late additions are useful to make more out of it
    But I am more of a "concept first, Servant later" creator
    Behold! The works of a maniac!
    Servants!

    And my other contribution to this community!
    Advanced Formatting Guide
    Free FC Gallery
    Extra Class Comp

    Call me Formatting-sensei.

  4. #7424
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    I guess your right, Yeah I think I rest my head for a few days or so

  5. #7425
    夜魔 Nightmare Serra's Avatar
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    Class: Lancer

    Appearance


    True Name: Phillippe de Longvilliers de Poincy

    Alignment: Neutral Evil

    Source: Historical fact

    Place of Origin: France, but he's taken as a Servant from his time in the Caribbeans

    Parameters
    STR: C

    END: C

    AGI: B

    MGI: C

    LCK: C

    NP: C+


    Height: 187 centimetres

    Weight: 85 kilograms

    Likes: Himself, land development, displays of grandeur

    Dislikes: Acknowledging others' authority

    Talent: Gardening, arson

    Natural Enemy: French royalty

    Attribute: Human

    Armament:
    Tree
    Spear


    Catalyst: The remains of his château and a
    delonix regia
    royal poinciana
    tree

    Class Skills
    Magic Resistance D

    Can't cancel spells, but magic damage is reduced somewhat. This Skill is derived from his Class container, but his lack of relevant anecdotes and the age he's from don't help much.


    Personal Skills
    Poison Resistance D

    The effects of poison are reduced somewhat.

    He was an expert on various tropical plants, and two species were named after him. The
    caesalpinia pulcherrima
    poinciana
    's seeds are poisonous and have been historically used to induce abortions and for suicides, though they can be eaten normally before they reach maturity.

    Voyager of the Storm C-

    A composite of the skills Charisma, Tactics, and Riding, which belongs to those who have distinguished themselves in sailing vessels recognized as ships.

    At the point in history from which he was taken, the Knights Hospitaller, to which he belonged, were widely reputed to be an organisation of mercenary sea wolves more than a religious order, and he himself had contracts with various corsairs in turn. That said, since his personal exploits in naval battles are few, this Skill is not at a high rank.

    Golden Rule C-

    For all his faults, he excelled at accumulating wealth rapidly by employing all sorts of stratagems that made him stand out from the rest of less fortunate colonisers, and quickly turned his domain into a successful trading centre where the Compagnie des Îles de l'Amérique had seen absolutely no potential. Even so, the Hospitaller colonies in the Caribbean were deemed to be unprofitable to the Order shortly after his passing, and eventually sold off so the Knights could further focus on their domains in the Old World.

    Mana Burst (Flame) D+

    Infuses weapons with Magical Energy that imparts a flame effect,

    His Noble Phantasms are apt to channel this Skill: while the cannons of his château are self-explanatory, the
    delonix regia
    royal poinciana
    is also known as flamboyant, flame of the forest, or flame tree, thanks to its appearance.

    In 1650, having learnt that the Spanish had essentially abandoned Saint Croix due to the abundance of trees making colonisation difficult, he simply had an attack force set the trees on fire and took the island for himself.

    Chaining of the Successor B

    Lancer's attacks have a sharply increased chance of lowering their targets' AGI when they connect.

    Eventually, news of what was effectively his independence proclamation reached the king of France, who sent an envoy, Noël Patrocles de Thoisy, to replace him. De Thoisy saw it fit to kidnap his nephews for intimidation, but Poincy turned the tables: he and his troops soon captured de Thoisy and made him into their prisoner. Eventually, due to a certain percentage of the populace growing to feel some sympathy - or, just as often, pity - towards de Thoisy, Poincy sent him back to France in chains, leaving him just "two shirts and a greatcoat" for the voyage back, as de Thoisy put it.

    Independent Action B

    It's unclear what de Thoisy told the king upon his return, but it's certain that he never made a serious effort to take back Poincy's domain again. When he sent his next envoy, Charles Jacques Huault de Montmagny, and Poincy firmly refused to give up his rule, de Montmagny simply settled in elsewhere and tried to wait Poincy's death out. That envoy ended up dying of natural causes before Poincy himself. The king didn't question this course of action at all.

    In recognition of succesfully becoming unbound to the Compagnie des Îles de l'Amérique and to the king of France, he's been granted this Skill, enabling him to stay in the world for two days at most without a Master. The maximum threshold of two days can be achieved only by avoiding battle and Noble Phantasm usage while at the same time maximally conserving mana.


    Noble Phantasm
    Château de la Montagne
    Château de la Fontaine


    Type: Fortress

    Rank: C

    Range: 1~100

    Max Targets: 1~500 people

    Lancer's famous fortified palace in his estate of La Fontaine. Its extensive library was the oldest known one in the Caribbean. The château was a three-story building which stood on a terrace, possessing an inner and an outer level of walls as well as a ditch, and defended by soldiers and bronze cannons. It had its own water supply and a sizeable courtyard; its extensive gardens housed a broad variety of all kinds of plants, and were decorated with many fountains.

    At the time the château was widely regarded as one of the finest houses in the Caribbean. With proper access to leylines, Lancer is able to recreate it, complete with guard and cannons; the latter can be enhanced by his Mana Burst (Flame) Skill even when he's not directly operating them. The gardens also contain plants with medicinal purposes and ones that can be made into poison. Lancer's parameters are ranked up while he's anywhere within the château or its surrounding estate.

    The château can't be moved after having been summoned, which is part of why he's allowed to use this Noble Phantasm as a Lancer despite the ranged capabilities of the cannons, and also a very good reason to pick an appropriate strategic location before deploying it.

    Delonix Regia
    Majesty of the Royal Poinciana


    Type: Anti-Unit Anti-Unit (Self)

    Rank: C+

    Range: 2~4

    Max Targets: 1 person

    The
    delonix regia
    royal poinciana
    is one of the two plant species named after de Poincy. When he's summoned as a Lancer, the tree manifests as a spear. It being also known as flamboyant, flame of the forest, or flame tree lets Lancer more efficiently channel his Mana Burst (Flame) Skill through his weapon, but there's more to the tree than that.

    Its blossom is the national flower of Saint Kitts and Nevis to this day, and Lancer regards it as an enduring symbol of his own authority. By invoking this Noble Phantasm's True Name, Lancer's Chaining of the Successor Skill has its rank drastically boosted all the way to A++.

    And somewhere much distant from the islands over which he'd ruled, the tree has a different legend associated with it. In Kerala, a state on the Malabar Coast of India, it's known as kaalvarippoo (കാൽവരിപ്പൂവ്, kālvarippūv) - the flower of Calvary - and the colour of its red leaves is said to come from when Jesus Christ's blood was shed over them when he was crucified. This anecdote, combined with Lancer's status as a famous Knight Hospitaller, lets Lancer temporarily borrow certain religion-related Skills according to his needs, such as Protection of the Faith or Zealotry. After this Noble Phantasm's True Name is revealed, those Skills can be borrowed at higher ranks than before.


    Lore
    "The people of Saint Kitts will have no other governor than Poincy and will take no orders from the king of France."

    Phillippe de Longvilliers de Poincy was the key figure to the Hospitaller colonisation of the Americas.

    A French nobleman, he initially arrived at the island as a governor appointed by a French chartered company appropriately named Compagnie des Îles de l'Amérique - Company of the American Islands. However, he touched the shore already dressed in the garbs of the Knights Hospitaller to which he belonged, and soon claimed it for the Order.

    This was not without cause. Poincy was interested in developing the island further, but the Compagnie wouldn't grant him the resources he needed, so he decided to take the matter in his own hands.

    Over the course of his life, he would expand his domain to include not only Saint Kitts but also Saint Croix, Saint Barthélemy and Saint Martin, all the while shutting down all attempts by the Compagnie and the king of France to take back control.


    Personality
    Harsh, eccentric, cold, commanding, and confrontational. Deep down he loves to praise and be praised, but he can't give a straightforward compliment even to the few he respects, nor can he take a straightforward compliment without dismissing it and/or putting up an outward defensive front. At least he's quick to grasp potential even where others see none, and while his words may often fail to fully reflect his true feelings, his efforts are always impassioned and genuine.


    Interactions
    Blessed Gerard: "Surprised by your own Knights? Don't be. The times change faster than most can imagine. That's all there is to it."

    Christopher Columbus: "Feh! If you'd had the spirit to handle your own discovery, you wouldn't have had to beg like a raving madman, pretending to believe you'd really landed in India and making promises you could never hope to keep, all to secure more half-baked expeditions."

    Florence Nightingale: "Good grief, good grief! Let's not talk about the condition of my workers right now. I'd rather show you my gardens - there are many unusual plants there, some medicine, some poison, some neither, and I doubt a nurse from the Old World could tell them apart beforehand."

    Ozymandias: "The Almighty isn't looking at your works, I am. And I think you should've at least built them somewhere that doesn't suck. I mean, what is it with this low quality sand? Don't they deserve to stand in a place more resembling Heaven, after all?"


    Notes
    This was originally going to be my second Secret Santa sheet, but as I kept working on it I eventually noticed it didn't fit the prompt for which it was meant anymore, but I was almost done with this already and decided to go ahead and finish it. It also used to have an Interactions line for my first Secret Santa sheet, which I cut to avoid potential spoilers and might add back eventually.
    Last edited by Serra; January 19th, 2022 at 05:42 AM. Reason: MGI E -> MGI C so he can make better use of Mana Burst (Flame)

  6. #7426
    画中仙 Kamera's Avatar
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    Phillippe de Longvilliers de Poincy: A pretty creative take on the guy. Love how you can utilize many interesting anecdotes and legends into his skills and NPs. In particular, I must say these NPs are really well done. Though, honestly I think the really skills could be more personalized and less cluttered. Using standardized canon skills are fine, but for more character, I would suggest maybe combine all the low ranked generic skills into one composite skill or something along these line.

  7. #7427
    屍鬼 Ghoul
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    Quote Originally Posted by VitaVitaAR View Post

    Foreigner
    Witch of the Infinite Abyss of Time, Keziah Mason
    Click here for a sketch!

    Alignment: Chaotic Evil
    Region: United States
    Gender: Female
    Height: 145cm
    Weight: 39kg
    Likes: Gullible people, literature, chocolate
    Dislikes: Boredom, Witch Hunters, the Church

    Parameters:
    Strength: D
    Endurance: C
    Agility: B
    Mana: A+
    Luck: C
    Noble Phantasm: EX

    Class Skills:
    Existence Outside the Domain: A
    The 'object through which an evil god acts'. In her lowest moment, Foreigner met someone whose body was composed of darkness like obsidian and sunk deep into the abyss beyond starlight. The hangman's noose could not reach her here.

    Divinity: B
    In a way she could be considered the window through which the dark figure looks. Her very existence is painted with divinity as a result.

    Personal Skills:
    Witching Hour: B
    All manner of rituals become possible at a reduced cost during the night. The perception of the supernatural growing more powerful having an effect on one who styles themselves as the classic ideal of a witch. While the traditional 'Witching Hour' is thought to take place between 3:00 to 4:00, it seems that as long as the moon is in the sky Foreigner's capacity as a magus is enhanced. In terms of her ability, she is more comparable to a magus of the distant past then one from the era of the Salem Witch Trials.

    Obsidian Moon:
    C
    A skill that permits a temporary warping of time during battle. The conditions of combat are entirely reset, erasing injury and negative effects for all combatants. Rather then locking conditions from changing, it instead reverses them entirely. However, it cannot apply only to Foreigner and her allies, as the enemy is also affected. Perhaps the shadowy figure who peers through her finds such conflicts amusing.

    The Black Figure: A
    A skill representing the bond between Foreigner and the evil god who is dark like liquid shadow. A understanding of unnatural geometries granted by this bond that permits the use of teleportation comparable to spatial warping. Instant transit between locations using these principles becomes possible, though by using unnatural geometries it leaves a path through which it is possible to pursue her.

    Noble Phantasms:
    No Dead Ends
    Infinite Reversal
    Rank: EX
    Type: Anti-World
    Range: N/A
    Maximum Number of Targets: N/A
    Foreigner escaped her fate of swinging from a noose through unknown means. Condemned to death, she fell into a state of despair, and met with a figure whose body was black like a hole in the fabric of reality. This meeting allowed her escape by reversing time itself, retaining her awareness of the future. This Noble Phantasm is the capacity to reset time by a week in the event of Foreigner's death. As long as she has even a single breath remaining, time will reverse itself in order to secure her future once again. An impossible feat that is nevertheless accomplished by this Noble Phantasm, that activates automatically as Foreigner dies. However, instant death can bypass this effect, as it only activates if Foreigner is dying, not if she is already dead. Still, if she is not killed outright she may reset the week as many times as she desires until she obtains the outcome she wishes for. As she faced the gallows, her prayers were answered.

    Nightmare of Impossible Spaces
    The Witch's House
    Rank: A
    Type: Bounded Field
    Range: N/A
    Maximum Number of Targets: N/A
    The home created by Foreigner, exploiting her knowledge of magecraft and impossibilities. It can be defined as a space that is incompatible with the human order, as its dimensions defy human understanding. From the outside it appears to be an ordinary house, but within the spaces do not follow any sort of logic. Hallways occupy spaces they cannot. Corners are at impossible angles that defy human comprehension. Even at its base state, a feeling of unease will wash over those who enter the her household. On a whim, its interior can be restructured, creating new impossibilities. A maze that cannot be understood by an ordinary human. The distorted space within is inhabited by bizarre creatures. Swarms of rats with human faces that devour flesh. Abominable vaguely canine entities that spring from impossible corners. Indescribable things lurking in the dark. Once trapped inside, it is impossible to escape unless cancelled, or if Foreigner herself is located and killed. While the house is a trump card that entraps her foes and surrounds them with enemies, it also places her in a vulnerable state where she is unable to utilize Infinite Reversal and escape death. Still, for Foreigner, the allure of watching her enemies struggle within the impossible maze may outweigh the risk inherent in using it.


    Lore: An old woman was accused of witchcraft.

    Her denials fell on deaf ears. There was no escaping her sentencing. She would confess, or be tortured until she confessed.

    The noose tightened.

    She fell into the abyss. She met a figure of darkness, who proposed to her a way to freedom. To become the witch she was accused of in the name of staying alive.

    When she awakened, her name was Keziah Mason. Her elderly body had returned to its teenaged years, and time itself had been reset by one week. A grim smile crossed her lips, as she embraced this new life she had been granted.

    The dark figure is still watching. It has watched as Keziah Mason indulged in things she never had before, watched as she embraced the wickedness she had been accused of. As she forged a life for her own amusement, of toying with others, testing them again and again to watch them fail.

    A twisted person whose life became something other.

    That is the very nature of Keziah Mason.

    In terms of her personality, she adores books and will read whenever given the opportunity. Always seeking new reading opportunities, she is as eager to go out and fine new things to read as she is to twist others until they fail. A surprisingly friendly and laidback girl who enjoys the company of others, just as she enjoys turning them into her playthings with which to amuse herself. Keziah's attitude is one that enjoys human beings, because watching the struggle of human beings is entertaining. The mentality of the old woman she once was has long vanished, lost to the nature of a capricious youth with a love of causing difficulty to others. Her wits, her magecraft, her words, her sexuality, all of these things are tools to pursue her own enjoyment. Her Master will be viewed as a 'special plaything' whom she will enjoy playing with using every tool within her repertoire. However, she does value them to some extent, and will not seek their utter downfall, if only to keep them around so she can keep playing with them whenever she desires. At the same time, she will become increasingly clingy and attention-driven the longer she spends time with her Master. Perhaps she believes her plaything should pay her special attention.

    Or perhaps it is because it makes them easier to manipulate?

    And yet, sometimes she becomes rather moody and withdrawn, shutting herself in her quarters with a book and refusing to come out. Maybe this is because of the age her body has been returned to, or maybe it is for another reason.

    Of course, the name Keziah Mason is a work of fiction. The dark obsidian figure plucked a phantom from death that suited its needs, and twisted her to become a tool by rewarding her with youth and what seemed to be a 'second chance at life'. It could be that it is a subconscious awareness of this truth that causes her more moody and rebellious phases.
    Notes: The idea of a "nameless" victim of the Witch Trials becoming "Keziah Mason" for Nyarlythotep felt pretty interesting to me, especially since Foreigners have demonstrated some abilities not dissimilar to that. I know Nyarly's technically been used already, buuuuuut even if I like her Summer BB's not a Foreigner you know? I'll admit this one feels a bit off the wall so I'm not completely sure if it's a good idea.
    Personally I think the whole foreigner class is said outer one creating an avatar in in the nasuverse Heck, I thought of an entire subtype of Foreigners using its masks

  8. #7428
    屍鬼 Ghoul VitaVitaAR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Areop-Enap View Post
    Personally I think the whole foreigner class is said outer one creating an avatar in in the nasuverse Heck, I thought of an entire subtype of Foreigners using its masks
    Um... I mean, we know it's outer gods becoming attached to people through various means. I don't quite understand how your comment is related to my sheet though?
    Last edited by VitaVitaAR; January 19th, 2022 at 12:53 AM.

  9. #7429
    屍鬼 Ghoul
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    You mention how it was seemingly redundant for there more than one servant connected one outer one

  10. #7430
    屍鬼 Ghoul VitaVitaAR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Areop-Enap View Post
    You mention how it was seemingly redundant for there more than one servant connected one outer one
    Oh, I don't actually think that. I was just meant I know it's not the most original choice.

  11. #7431
    夜魔 Nightmare Serra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kamera View Post
    Phillippe de Longvilliers de Poincy: A pretty creative take on the guy. Love how you can utilize many interesting anecdotes and legends into his skills and NPs. In particular, I must say these NPs are really well done. Though, honestly I think the really skills could be more personalized and less cluttered. Using standardized canon skills are fine, but for more character, I would suggest maybe combine all the low ranked generic skills into one composite skill or something along these line.
    Thank you! That suggestion def makes sense, I'll think up a combined Skill name and description eventually if I can; other than keeping the high ranking Skills separate from the low ranking ones, I'd also leave Voyager of the Storm alone though, given that it's already a composite; so the new plan would be Magic Resistance (class Skill - can't be merged), Voyager of the Storm, new Skill X, Chaining of the Successor, and Independent Action. Also, I just upped his MGI parameter because I noticed it wasn't actually high enough for the Mana Burst (Flame) Skill to do much of anything, so, that was an oversight, lol.

  12. #7432
    Break out of blues RoydGolden's Avatar
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    So here's a remake on an old character I've tried my hand at twice now and one that's fairly wild conceptually. Decided to put personality at the end this time for reasons that should become obvious. Be sure to click the text at the end to get the full sheet. As usual comments and critiques are welcome. Thanks for reading!





    "Fear me! Worship me, and rally behind me you pitiful yet endearing humans! For as long as our victory is written in the stars, my blade will always swing to obliterate all oppressors and cut the path to a golden future! Or else my name isn't Shimon Bar Kokhba!"


    Saver of the Wishful Star:

    Appearance:

    Source

    True Name: Shimon Bar Kokhba

    Alignment: Lawful Good

    Alternate Classes: Saber, Rider, Berserker

    Source: Israel, Messianic Legend

    Armaments: A longsword, her body.

    Strength- B~~
    Agility- A~~
    Endurance- A~~
    Mana- B~~
    Luck- EX
    NP- B++
    (Fluctuates erratically to higher values, proper disclosure of her parameters is obscured due to Saver's Messianic Divine Core Skill)


    Class Skills:

    Charisma Of A Shooting Star- B++
    Replaces the one she would normally have in the Saver Class. A Skill representing the charismatic nature of a shooting star that gathers people's hopes and wishes as it streaks across the sky. The Jewish people suffering persecution under Emperor Hadrian cried out for a savior and shining brilliantly from the darkness came a star to guide them to victory. Expressed through her assumed name of "
    Bar Kokhba
    Son of the Star
    " Saver's existence as a messiah is exceedingly close to a shooting star, for both serve as symbols to gather the dreams and faith of people staring out into the murky darkness.

    The greater feats in battle Saver achieves the more followers she draws to her side, and the strength of her charisma increases as well. Hope begets hope, victories lead to further victories as the halo of radiance and glory around Saver grows ever more dazzling. Even if it's a sad truth that every star must burn out someday, to honor the hopes and wishes entrusted to her Saver fully intends to fight with every drop of her strength until the inevitable end comes.

    Counter Hero- B
    A Skill that reduces the statistics of "heroes" the Servant faces in combat. It is an inherent ability of the Saver Class. As the messiah Saver is fated to prevail over all evil as well as enemies of the Jewish people. As such this Skill only applies against Evil-aligned Servants (bypassing the normal weakness against Anti-Heroes) and those who came from groups traditionally opposed to the Jewish people, such as the Romans and Philistines. Reducing all their parameters by two full rankings. Essentially making Saver a machine who possesses overwhelming combat-aptitude for slaughtering enemies included in those categories.


    Personal Skills:

    Messianic Divine Core- A++
    Expresses one's status as a Messiah, the fated being who will arrive to liberate the Jewish people in the end of days. Shimon was bestowed this title from the great sage Akiva ben Yosef and while she never got the chance to fulfill it in life under her exceptional summoning in the Saver Class she unexpectedly manifests as a full messiah. As a direct emanation for the power and authority of YHWH Saver's Saint Graph in this state is anomalously close to a genuine Divine Spirit, making her parameters partially unclassifiable under the Servant system appearing to briefly glitch out and behave as higher than their listed values.

    Furthermore this Skill announces Saver as the realization of all Jewish prophecies about the messiah, granting her a bevy of sub-abilities that reflect their authorities. The messiah was foretold to be a great warrior who vanquishes all enemies of the Jews in battle, to rebuild the Temple and establish the heavenly city of New Jerusalem. These equate to instinctive knowledge of all methods of warfare that improve when facing enemies traditionally opposed to the Jewish people, and a form of Territory Creation that passively consecrates the land wherever she steps as "Jerusalem" granting significant stat bonuses to herself and all allies while fighting there. Other blessings are possible but given Saver's proclivities she favors drawing on more martial ones to wield.

    Projectile Reversal- B
    A Skill conceptualizing the anecdote where Saver deflected the ballistae launched by Roman catapults with her leg before hurling them back, slaying many a soldier this way. When Rabbi Akiva witnessed this feat of divine strength, he unhesitantly proclaimed her the messiah. Differing to Protection From Arrows this allows Saver to rather than merely evade projectiles reflect almost any back to the sender by striking it. Both physical projectiles and spells can be redirected, although for ones of A or higher she will suffer a portion of the damage akin to "friction burns" in intercepting it. Furthermore projectiles on the level of Noble Phantasms are beyond this Skill.

    Escape On The Lion's Back- C+
    In legend Saver escaped her own execution at a Roman Colosseum by riding out on the very lion sent to devour her. This episode would manifest as a Noble Phantasm for Shimon in the Rider Class but here is limited to the level of her third Personal Skill. Donates Saver a combo of Disengage and Riding at rank B while also including a bonus to temporarily hijacking an enemy Servant's mount below C-rank. Though unlike its counterpart the mount will not actually become her Noble Phantasm.


    Noble Phantasm
    Bar Kokhba
    Sword Of The Stars


    Rank: B++

    Type: Anti-Unit~Fortress/Anti-Evil

    A crystallization of the prophecy associated with Saver's given name, "
    Bar Kokhba
    Son of the Star
    ". In the Book of Numbers the prophet Balaam foretells that a star shall arise from Jacob and a
    Zayin
    sword
    will smite the forehead of Moab. This was believed to be a description of the coming messiah who would emerge from the lineage of Jacob and destroy the enemies of Israel. A descendant of Jacob herself Saver stands as fulfillment to that prophecy, and hence her very existence is the "sword" extolled in legend.

    In its unreleased state this Noble Phantasm allows Saver to channel the
    sword
    light
    of the stars through her body, infusing her limbs with crackling arcs of pale blue stellar fire that cut like a plasma-torch. A living sword dedicated to her god Saver's very body is a Noble Phantasm of the highest order and any weaponry she grasps is treated as an extension of herself, essentially granting her an A+ ranked Mana Burst (Star) Skill.

    However this Noble Phantasm's full potential is only shown when Saver reveals its true name. Upon doing so she raises her arm as a ray of starlight shoots down from the sky and strikes it. Pale blue celestial veins in Hebraic script blaze along her body as the stream of energy forms a continuous link to the stars. Saver then brings down her arm and the line becomes a blade of starlight that cleaves directly ahead of her. In the moment before release it condenses to white-hot plasma that recreates the core of a star before exploding outwards in a torrent of destruction precisely concentrated along the arc of a blade. An attack that not so much slices as sears away everything in its path with the fury of a molten sun, yet conversely to the devastation it ensues the image presented is that of cool and ethereal beauty like gazing upon a night sky full of stars.

    The aftermath of this Noble Phantasm scatters glittering stardust that gently rains down through the air, calming the hearts of Saver's allies and filling them with a sense of serenity and hope. A partial foreshadowing of the sword of the messiah prophesied to obliterate all evil and bring about an everlasting golden age in the end of days. Since the end of days has yet to actually arrive Saver willfully constrains the full power of this Noble Phantasm behind several seals which she calls out after the Kabbalic names of the Sefirot in reverse order and a corresponding incantation (i.e "First seal Malkuth- break. The gate of the kingdom opens to me." "Second seal Yesod- break. The foundation rends asunder." and so on)

    Depending on the number of seals released it can be anything from a narrow blast of starlight meant to take out a single enemy to massive surges able to mow dow armies or demolish entire fortresses. However the maximal classification of this Noble Phantasm, Anti-World, can only be utilized when the day of atonement arrives, or at least so Saver insists somewhat defensively when queried on the matter. In any of its manifestations this Noble Phantasm has a potent Anti-Evil attribute that multiplies damage against wicked and unholy beings.


    Personality
    Likes: the Jewish people, faith and worship (specifically towards herself)
    Dislikes: injustice and oppressors, unpleasant questions about her history
    Talents: being the messiah (self-proclaimed), zealous singlemindedness
    Natural Enemy: Emperor Hadrian

    Cheerful and arrogant. She's overwhelmingly high-handed towards humans claiming that those too weak to defend themselves are little different than snails. However Saver will still fight to protect them saying that their pitiful faces as they cry out for someone to save them are endearing to her. Her criteria to be recognized as strong are equally outrageous by human standards as they include such things as to uproot a tree at full gallop or deflect cannonballs with your bare legs. She openly states that those unable to perform such feats have no right to call themselves strong and should just be content cowering behind her for protection.

    An imperious, yet compassionate person. She believes the weak have no place on the hell called the battlefield and so strives to take all the burdens upon herself so her people won't have to suffer. To those she acknowledges as allies Saver adopts a strict and brutal demeanor, disciplining them severely if they display fear or weakness. This is also born from Saver's belief that only the strong can survive on the battlefield so choosing to follow her means accepting being forged into a vessel of absolute strength beyond human limits. Spoiling the weak and scolding the strong, that is her way of expressing love.

    She displays a strong hatred of tyrants and oppressors though this seems to be more an extension of her role as messiah rather than something she fully understands. In more complex situations she may have trouble figuring out who is the oppressor and who the innocents needing to be protected. Saver gives a vibe of being shockingly naive about the world at times, understanding little other than the battlefield she's often confused by simple aspects of the era she's summoned into.

    Despite the Grail filling in Servants on information of the modern world she staunchly refuses to acknowledge details that go against her preconceptions, such that people no longer worship gods or legendary heroes in the same sense. This means her Master might have to take a lot of effort keeping her from flaunting her armor or powers in public. That also applies to information related to her defeat and the fall of her rebellion in life, which Saver dismisses as irrelevant to her current incarnation.

    Despite her seemingly bottomless self-confidence Saver shows a more shy and modest side around other Jewish epic heroes. For unknown reasons she claims not to have a right to hold her head high in front of such shining figures and is highly uncomfortable interacting with them. Saver hears strange voices whispering in her mind the longer she spends time with them, slowly warping the admiration she feels into more poisonous emotions. "Why were they chosen when I failed...? Did God favor them more than me...? No that can't be, I am the one who will save Israel, the true messiah! Yet those lesser stars still dare to try and outshine me! That is... unforgiveable...!!"

    (Saint Graph distortion resolved, Enemy of the World detected:)


    "It's all their fault. If those ungrateful fools had faith in and supported me until the end then glory would've been ours. But I won't make that mistake again. Faith isn't something to earn from the people, it's to be demanded and taken by force. I will make sure they love me, even if I have to carve my praise onto their flesh myself."

    Pretender of the Unsung Star:

    Appearance:

    Source

    True Name: Shimon・Helel

    Alignment: Neutral Evil

    Source: Israel, Christian Mythology

    Armaments: A longsword, starlight constructs

    Strength- B+
    Agility- B
    Endurance- A
    Mana- B
    Luck- E-
    NP- B++

    Personality
    Despairing at the failure of her rebellion and seduced by the whispers of a foreign star, Shimon manifests as a Pretender-Classed Servant with the worst traits of her personality emphasized. An egotist who takes as self-evident that all faith and affection in the world belongs to her and has no qualms carelessly monopolizing it. She still sees her as role as messiah is to magnanimously grant happiness to humanity yet her definition of happiness has been warped into "to revere and be trampled by me" so her way of expressing it is solely as a tyrant.

    Pretender nurses an obsessive rivalry and jealousy to fellow great Jewish heroes, stating that she alone is the only savior the world needs and so all other heroes are unnecessary. Although for stronger ones she will still offer to spare them if they submit and become her soldiers. Conversely she sees opposing her- the true messiah- as a status equivalent to betraying their faith, so Pretender won't hesitate to furiously annihilate them.

    Ultimately, Pretender seeks to become the messiah merely to fulfill her own sense of happiness. She felt happy when her teacher Rabbi Akiva saw potential in her as the messiah. She was euphoric leading at the front of an army when all those behind chanted her name. Only for that elation to melt away into confusion and betrayal when the people began to lose faith in her. She couldn't understand where she'd gone wrong. She'd done all she could, dedicated her sword to their future yet their voices behind her back called her a fraud and madwoman. She cursed the treachery of humans. She despaired at the fickleness of humans. Yet the one desire held within her heart remains the same even now- to be loved by humans.

    A simple, childish girl who merely wants to be loved and be happy- that is the true nature of Pretender. No matter how many times her method of receiving love fails Pretender will never acknowledge any fault herself but blame her followers for not showing enough faith and support in her. A hurt child continually lashing out at the world for the affection denied to her, perhaps if even a single person were to praise her for herself rather than a vessel for others' wishes than even the star of calamity could shine innocently once more.

    Likes: the people's adoration, being the messiah
    Dislikes: spies, betrayals, to be rejected as the messiah
    Talents: dominating others, performing miracles
    Natural Enemy: Rabbi Akiva


    Class Skills:

    Anti-Human Order- C+
    An ability that puts a stop to everything created by humanity, as well as the laws that work in humanity's favor. It is a Skill originally possessed by the Beast Class.

    Her authority to vanquish enemies of the faithful in battle is in truth but an application of this ability. However, that is not a reassurance. Pretender in her hatred has broadened "enemies of the faithful" to include the entirety of Panhuman History that rejects her status as messiah. If "Rome is the world" as a certain crimson divine ancestor stated then that makes Pretender a conceptual enemy of the World itself, seeing in it only the oppressors who continually denied her rightful glory. To found an eternal Israel that exalts only herself she would gladly torch all of human history to cinders.

    Enforces a pressure that reduces the statistics of Servants from Panhuman History. Only by pledging fealty to and accepting her as the messiah can one become exempt of its effects.

    Existence Beyond The Domain- EX
    Normally a Skill inherent to the Foreigner Class, asserting their existence outside of time and reality. Pretender is partially resistant to physical and mental damage, as her true self exists far beyond the reality perceivable by humans. This defense can be bypassed if the attacker themselves is connected to "something beyond man", such as through ownership of the Divinity Skill. In Pretender's case this isn't a Skill of her human self, but one dyed into her Saint Graph by Helel.

    Helel is sealed away in Sheol, a
    Imaginary Number Space
    place outside of human rationality
    and hence can't interact with the world normally. However through their shared connection to stars and role as charismatic false saviors whose pride led to a fall Helel is able to use the planet Venus as a portal and partially manifest through Pretender, granting her this Skill. Their existence as a Servant is a fusion of both Shimon and Helel's personalities united by their shared trait of "resentment against the chosen". An alliance that should never have been births an unprecedented calamity for the World.

    Fallen One's Divine Core- D++
    The remnant of her Messianic Divine Core Skill left behind when all lies and obscurations surrounding Pretender's nature are dispelled. The fallen divine core of Helel, an Archangel stripped of his grace and wings for seeking to supplant the Almighty. As a vestige of primeval divinity this Skill is the source of the distortions in Pretender's parameters, her stats periodically appearing to jump from their true values much as Helel grasps vainly to regain the heaven denied to him.

    A hollow divine core that can be filled with the prayers and faith of humans, resulting in the birth of an artificial deity--- such is Pretender's way of existing as a false messiah. Her spiritual heart is an empty vessel that collects human hope and wishes and converts them into magical energy for herself, akin to the Mana Burst Skill. In essence the more people believe in and revere Pretender, the nearer she ascends to true divinity and her strength as a Servant skyrockets as well.


    Personal Skills:

    Charisma Of A Fallen Star- B++
    The true nature of Shimon・Helel's charisma revealed alongside her Class as an "enemy of the world". A star of ruin that gathers human hopes and wishes before crashing and burning out leaving only destruction in its wake. Pretender's ability to attract followers increases in proportion to her accomplishments but that glory inevitably burns out bringing only disaster to those who sought salvation under her banner. This Skill can be called emblematic of humanity's desire to over-reach; victories stoke confidence that leads to greater ambition until the fateful straw falls and everything burns to ashes.

    Practically speaking the normal benefits of Charisma (boosting the capability of allies in group battles) are accompanied by a hidden curse that slowly erodes the Luck stat of anyone pledging fealty to Pretender until it reaches E- rank. Since there's no limit on the maximum number of people affected, even an entire nation could be dragged to ruin by following Pretender. Incidentally, Pretender herself remains stubbornly in denial as to the nature of this Skill convincing herself that "Loss of faith brings death, if only they were willing to dedicate themselves to me utterly their pitiful lives could've been saved."

    Denial Of Divine Providence- A
    Pretender was said to charge into battle with the cry of "O Master of the universe, there is no need for you to assist us, but do not embarrass us either!" This anecdote entwines with Helel's pride in exalting himself above God to manifest into a Personal Skill. Upon reciting those words Pretender emanates a Bounded Field for 20 feet around her in all directions that denies the very concept of divine intervention. Skills and Noble Phantasms granted by a higher power are sealed, forcing combatants to rely solely on their mortal strength to prevail.

    Most of Pretender's abilities are actually unaffected by this since they represent Helel's aspect as a fallen angel/demon rather than avatar of YHWH but her Fallen One's Divine Core Skill is due to being the residual divinity he possessed as a true angel. Thus depriving Pretender of the power gleaned from the worship of her followers. As such this is a severely double-edged sword that can weaken Pretender just as much as the opponent, and hence one she only uses as a last resort.

    Mental Pollution (Whisper)- C+
    Possession of a distorted mentality that affords protection against mental influencing thaumaturgy. However as recompense it becomes difficult to come to an understanding with others not similarly twisted. In Pretender's case rather than purely her "native" mindset this Skill represents the encroachment of Helel on her personality.

    The whispers of a foreign star gnawing at her psyche only further aggravate Pretender's fragile sanity. Helel is the archdemon of temptation who excels at coaxing humans away from God, so he shows Pretender just what he wants to encourage her slide into depravity. She will periodically hear phantom voices whispering behind her back, plotting to betray her and jeering she will never be the true messiah.

    Much as she imagined her uncle Rabbi Elazar betrayed her to the Romans and killed him, Pretender will begin to delusionally suspect everyone is scheming against her. This only enflames her paranoia and madness, goading Pretender to lash out irrationally at even her closest allies. In return she gains resistance against mental interferences from outside her patron, trusting only the voice of 'God' speaking to her as absolute truth.


    Noble Phantasms
    Bar Koziba
    Son Of The Lie


    Rank: C+

    Type: Support

    As her sanity slipped and Pretender came to alienate the followers she'd amassed her surname of "
    Bar Kokhba
    Son of the Star
    " was twisted into "
    Bar Koziba
    Son of the Lie
    " as a way to ridicule her supposed divine status. Combined with Helel's nature as "a devil that impersonates an angel of light" this Noble Phantasm embodies and asserts the status of a "false messiah" upon Pretender. The first effect is that she can freely camouflage her Saint Graph, disguising any of her Skills, Noble Phantasms or Alignment to be other than their true values. This deception can only be pierced by an insight ability ranked C or higher.

    But this Noble Phantasm's true power lies in recreating any miracles associated with the Messiah, such as healing others, dispelling demons or even walking on water. Though as merely reproductions of true divine power Pretender's versions are two ranks-down from the original miracle. This works in tandem with her Charisma Of A Fallen Star to allow Pretender to rally followers with signs of her divinity. As their faith flows into her hollow divine core, the power and breadth of the wonders she can work rises, potentially allowing her to exceed the rank restriction and cast miracles just as powerful as the originals. Though this would naturally be dependent on her number of worshippers.


    Tsva Nasi Sabaoth
    The Heavenly Host Falls, Destruction Resounds Across The World


    Rank: B++

    Type: Anti-Unit~Country/Anti-Army (Self)

    An encapsulation of the Jewish army Pretender amassed against the Roman Empire. Said to dwarf the entire Roman army, it gave a mighty challenge to the greatest empire in the ancient world before being eventually crushed. As a Noble Phantasm it's been equalized with Helel's rebellion where it was said that a third of all angels fell from heaven as shooting stars. Thus Pretender's true army is "all the stars in the sky" itself.

    This Noble Phantasm allows Pretender to declare an orbital bombardment utilizing the stars visible on the planet's
    Texture
    firmament
    as ammunition. Streaking through the sky as missiles of light they rain down in the form of ethereal arrows and spears as if loosed by Pretender's soldiers. Passively she can only call on a small salvo while with its true name released the range and number of stars massively increases, reaching the level of a carpet-bombing that can reduce whole battlefields to cratered wastelands.

    However, its true power reflects Shimon・Helel's dual status as false saviors who guided those in their thrall to ruin. A terrible secret of this Noble Phantasm is that Pretender can sacrifice her own soldiers to greatly empower the bombardment. When she does so their bodies are consumed by cold blue flame as their souls join the ranks of the falling stars, screaming and burning through the sky as they curse Pretender and their own foolishness in their last moments. This elevates one star to the level of an A-ranked Noble Phantasm with every soldier she sacrifices. Their rage and despair is actually aimed at Pretender herself but by using her Mana she's able to redirect them to the designated spot of attack.

    Pretender won't use this ability freely, as she values her reputation and followers are a valuable resource. However if pushed into a corner she will have no qualms about resorting to it, believing that her followers should be grateful for the chance to joyously offer up their lives to her.

  13. #7433
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    This is a nice sheet, Royd though I think the you switch around Charisma of the Shooting Star and Messianic Divine Core around since Messianic Divine Core sounds more like a class skill of the Saver Class than Charisma of Shooting Star.

  14. #7434
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Kabalisto Koga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ismail2002 View Post
    This is a nice sheet, Royd though I think the you switch around Charisma of the Shooting Star and Messianic Divine Core around since Messianic Divine Core sounds more like a class skill of the Saver Class than Charisma of Shooting Star.
    charisma is the class skill of the Saver class not Divinity .
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  15. #7435
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    Really, I thought charisma was a common type of skill that most class can have if they have govern any type of organization. Then again I didn't really know much of the Saver Class
    Last edited by Ismail2002; January 19th, 2022 at 02:52 PM.

  16. #7436
    Your average edge/angst supplier BnEl15's Avatar
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    It's both. Most people who ruled kingdoms, organizations, etc. could have it as a Personal Skill, while Savers have it as a Class Skill.

  17. #7437
    Local Extra Class Aficionado DelRey's Avatar
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    Charisma should not be a throwaway skill for any ruler of a country. It was supposed to be a rare talent. Charisma should only be used if their legend actually warrants that.
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  18. #7438
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle Alexcoene's Avatar
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    I think that boat sailed long ago with Elizabeth Bathory having the same rank as Jeanne D'Arc

    Another reason Liz ruins everything

    Edit: About Shimon Bar Kokhba, I think this is a great improvement on an already good sheet. Also, it's kinda ironic she's merged with Lucifer that's purely a christian character.
    Last edited by Alexcoene; January 19th, 2022 at 04:37 PM.

  19. #7439
    超高校級のゲーマーガール Anju Addams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexcoene View Post
    I think that boat sailed long ago with Elizabeth Bathory having the same rank as Jeanne D'Arc

    Another reason Liz ruins everything.
    I mean, Liz was able to get away with abusing and torturing little girls for decades and people genuinely thought she was a good ruler and shit. She just used to have them sent to the castle frequently to 'educate' them and no-one batted an eyelid. That's a pretty high Charisma rank man.
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  20. #7440
    A False Shadow Morg van Destro's Avatar
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    So, everyone else is gonna ignore that she's a Pretender? Well, except Alexcoene.
    Honestly, Pretender can mean just about anything by this point, one of the reasons I don't like the Class, but I do find it a bit odd that it's her pretending to be... herself. Feels more like an Alter-Ego or just Alter than Pretender, considering her mentality has shifted so negatively. Twist just falls a bit for me, but both halves are still well made. Her sword NP actually reminds me of Michael the Archangel Servant I've seen.

    Zevul: Sword of the Glorious Paradise - Anti-Army/Anti-World/??? - Michael’s sword, which embodies his rule over the Fourth Heaven. It has three seals in the form of scabbards on it. With all three seals, it is simply a standard A Rank Noble Phantasm with no special attributes. Once the first seal is removed, it grows to the level of an A++ Anti-Army Noble Phantasm, capable of firing blasts that destroy entire armies, which he used to defeat a pagan army assaulting Jerusalem. After the second scabbard is removed, it exponentially grows in power to an EX Anti-World Noble Phantasm. The final scabbard, which Michael loses access to when he isn’t summoned as Grand Saber, contains a Noble Phantasm that, were it ever released, would trigger a total World Line Collapse, potentially causing a chain reaction that destroys multiple parallel timelines. The final seal is Michael’s promise to destroy Earth and Hell and cast them into the Abyss at the End of Time. - A~EX
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