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Thread: Create-A-Servant 3

  1. #8221
    Local Extra Class Aficionado DelRey's Avatar
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    i really like what you did for him. The only flaw imo is that the bond 5 NP gives him the immortality thing. not a fan of those
    still, great sheet. Your "im not gonna make them Rider" challenge sounds like my artist challenge to make every class happen.
    What I thought about in the past is a pilot being saber for the propeller blades and close combat. Or lancer if they were spearheading formations. Archer is obvious. Make the Red Baron Rider just because and flex on the others aces.
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  2. #8222
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    Source: edwarddesu on Deviantart

    Class: Faker
    Other Classes: N/A
    True Name: "Princess Caraboo"
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Place of Origin: Britain (19th century)

    Parameters:

    STR: D
    END: C
    AGI: C
    MGI: D
    LCK: C
    NP: C

    Height: 180cm
    Weight: 160cm
    Likes: Fame, Fun
    Dislikes: Her lies being revealed
    Talent: Making lies that are hard to reveal
    Natural Enemy: Sherlock Holmes
    Attribute: Man
    Traits: Female, Humanoid, Weak to Enuma Elish
    Armament: A bow and arrows and a sword
    Catalyst: A copy of the Bristol Journal from 1817

    Class Skills:

    Camouflage B: At this rank, it is capable for Caraboo to appear in a different class (she prefers Archer or Saber) or to make her parameters appear differently.

    Personal Skills:

    Imperial Privilege (False) C: A skill that manifests as her imperial privilege. However, since she isn't really in any way royal, this is false. Allows her to choose between the skills she cultivated in her disguise: Marksmanship, Swordsmanship, High-Speed Swimming, or Protection of the Faith, at the same rank as this skill.
    Multi-Lingual C+: Allows her to understand earth languages from Asia, as well as several non-earthly languages. She created her own language by herself out of Romani and imaginary words.

    Noble Phantasm(s):

    Princess Caraboo
    My Lies Match Perfectly


    Type: Support
    Rank: C
    Range: 0 meters
    Max Targets: 0 Targets

    The sublimation of her one big lie, that of being the Princess Caraboo. Luckily for her, everything that she had on her matched perfectly with being her, for example the surgical scars, the language, and many other coincidental things. This acts as a retroactive noble phantasm, allowing a lie she makes to be retroactively supported by previous actions and appearances. However, this goes on cooldown for 10 minutes after it is used. In addition, it cannot alter things associated with a higher-rank retroactive noble phantasm. Thirdly, the retroactiveness gets destroyed after 10 minutes. Lastly, she cannot relie the same thing.

    Lore:
    Mary Willcocks was a cobbler's daughter from Devon. When she was young, she used to dream of being a princess and a royal. When she grew older, she decided to pretend to be one for fame and fun. She pretended to be the Princess Caraboo from Javasu, an island in the Indian Ocean, creating her own language and using the scars that she had to her advantage. Thus was she confirmed to actually be the Princess Caraboo, and was able to keep that up for 10 weeks, while constantly shooting bow and arrows, practicing fencing, swimming, and praying to a god she named Allah ta alah, Allah the Exalted. However, when a boarding-house keeper recognised her, it all came crashing down, and she was revealed. She was pitied and arranged to travel to Philadelphia. Later in life, she tried her disguise several times, but it failed again and again, and she cursed her infamy.

    Personality: She is very careful to keep her disguise up, of a humble, kind, and devout woman, who wishes to do anything to help, although it can fall fairly easily sometimes due to her infamy. When her true personality is revealed, she is very cheerful and exuberant, but also very quick to randomly choose things to do. However, after a few days she will try to put back up her old disguised personality.

    Relationships:
    Napoleon: "Oh, Monsieur Napoleon! It is so nice to see you once again. So, about that marriage proposal?"
    Sherlock Holmes: "Tralalala... oh, it's a detective. What do you want, here to stop my lie once again? Well then, just try."
    Any Hassan: "Oh, you worship Allah too? Here, let's pray together. What do you mean, that's not how you pray to Allah?"

  3. #8223
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    I like her. Nothing flashy or anything, just a simple and likeable character.

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    Did you get my PM’s by the way.

  6. #8226
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Caster of the Empyrean:

    Appearance:


    Source

    True Name: Atlas of Mauretania "Astronomer-King", "First Director of the Titan's Pit"

    Alignment:
    Neutral Good

    Alternate Classes: Archer, Berserker

    Armament: An ornate bronze staff topped with a rotating armillary sphere. It is a Mystic Code Caster invented herself, fueling itself by absorbing ambient Mana from starlight.

    Strength- D
    Agility- D-
    Endurance- E++
    Mana- A+
    Luck- C
    NP- B

    Personality
    Despite her princess-like appearance, Caster's personality is that of a shut-in nerd whose wholeheartedly dedicated to her work. She prefers to shut herself inside her Workshop while researching and only comes out at night to observe the stars, having to be regularly reminded to sleep and eat. A borderline misanthropist who derides most of humanity as foolish and ignorant, wasting their time with wars and greed rather than appreciating the harmony of the cosmos. However, Caster actually loves humans and cherishes their infinite potential, regarding every single one of them as like a star blooming in the darkness of space. She judges them harshly only because of their failure to realize said potential, akin to a teacher's attitude to a promising but lazy student.

    While her default reaction to anyone interrupting her work is to bop the offender over the head with her staff Caster gradually warms up around those who show an interest in understanding the World even if it differs from her own field, allowing them to address her as "
    Teacher
    Didaskalos
    "
    and observe her studies (as long as they don't touch anything). She may grumble and complain, but Caster ultimately regards passing on her knowledge to those who seek it to be her greatest duty and pride as a scholar. A reluctant yet devoted educator.

    Due to her experience with Perseus, Caster strongly dislikes "great heroes", considering them violent hotblooded idiots who solve all their problems by hitting them over the head with the nearest big stick rather than using their brains. To her they exemplify the worst traits of humanity, that anyone can become venerated as a convenient hero merely by exerting violence against those deemed monsters and outsiders. While she may open up to a hero that proves respectful of her works, they would have to overcome Caster's instinctive prejudice.

    Caster looks at the later Directors of the Atlas Institute as her children and is greatly concerned for their wellbeing. The fact that many of them went insane trying to overcome her prognostication of the end is something that pains Caster deeply beyond her indifferent facade. She considers the pain of all her disciples as her own and so is determined to finally obtain that longed-for miracle and make all their suffering worthwhile. This gives her a more ruthless demeanor when the fate of humanity is at stake, as she's willing to harden her heart to ensure their survival even if it means making sacrifices.

    Caster is fascinated by the new advents in mathematics and astronomy since her lifetime, and will immediately engross herself in studying them upon summoning. The fact that humans continue to study the stars and even managed to reach the Moon is something that fills her with hope for mankind. On the other hand she has mixed-feelings about the fact that advanced illumination in cities renders it difficult to gaze at the stars as freely as her era, wondering wistfully if something precious was lost along the road of progress.

    Her reason for seeking the Holy Grail is to avert the fate of destruction she saw for humanity in the far future. She doubts even the power of the Holy Grail would be enough to overturn it so Caster's wish is to transform herself into an omnipotent calculating-engine that could find a path for humanity to advance past the destruction she foresaw.

    Caster tends to crack her limbs and neck when stressed as a vestigial memory of the time she was turned to stone in legend.

    Likes: earnest students, contemplation, human potential
    Dislikes: hotblooded idiots, light-pollution, joint-stiffness
    Talents: Astronomy, Alchemy
    Natural Enemy: Perseus, Zepia


    Class Skills:

    Territory Creation- B++
    The ability to formulate a territory advantageous to oneself as a Magus. Caster may recreate her former Workshop located within the Atlas Mountains. While seemingly a simple Astronomical Study on the inside it's a winding labyrinth containing countless discarded Mystic Codes and patrolled by autonomous familiars. As Caster's domain was sometimes thought to exist beyond the edge of the known world she can also apply an enchantment to any of her territories that make them difficult for others to perceive or reach.

    Item Construction- EX
    A talent to craft items tinted with magical power. As founder of the Atlas Institute Caster can create a vast assortment of alchemical Mystic Codes. Reproduction of the fabled Seven Superweapons of Atlas that includes the Black Barrel which can shoot down gods and Logos React an engine for simulating parallel worlds becomes possible through this Skill. However she favors simply creating astronomical instruments like celestial globes, telescopes and astrolabes.

    Mad Enhancement- E- (EX)

    A Skill that characterizes the Berserker Class, raising parameters in return for a loss of sanity and/or hindering mental capacities. As it isn't a Class Skill for Casters and she never had anecdotes of going mad in life, Atlas wouldn't normally obtain this. However due to sharing a name with the titan Atlas she receives the madness of holding the
    sky
    World
    on her shoulders, that equalizes with Caster's own ordeal in ensuring the future of humanity. A form of curse ascribed to her from the many Atlas Directors who went insane trying to avert her prediction.

    While her mentality is normally unaffected when it comes to situations where the World/humanity itself is in peril this Skill activates making Caster inhumanly driven and singleminded until she resolves the incident. Akin to the indoctrination guardians of the Counter Force would possess, this dulls Caster's emotions and renders her a ruthless agent of the World for the sake of eliminating anything that would threaten it. Hearing the laments and desperate prayers of her countless students who challenged the future and failed Caster vows to ensure such tragedies never repeat... no matter how much she must stain her hands in blood.

    In these moments this Skill sublimates to EX-rank, ranking up all her parameters so long as she deems the situation an imminent threat to the World or humanity.


    Personal Skills:

    Astronomical Magecraft- A++
    A style of Magecraft that revolves around evoking the conceptual significance of celestial bodies like the stars and planets. As the first in history to gaze up at the stars and record her findings Caster possesses an overwhelming rank in this Skill. While adolescent compared to the knowledge humanity would someday codify, hers was a vital first step in Man's attempt to know the cosmos in which he is situated. In an era where science and magic were one and the same, for both studied the arcane laws of the World, her attempts at deciphering the night sky have granted Caster sovereignty over many of its mysteries.

    Allows her to draw on Mana from distant stars and realign constellations into magic-circles to rain bolts of cosmic light upon her foes. She may also evoke particular concepts associated with the planets such as the authority of
    Dias
    Jupiter
    to press down her foes with intensified gravity or the closeness of
    Evening Star
    Vesperus
    with the the Garden of the Hesperides that was sometimes thought to be in her domain to grant healing Magecraft effects akin to the Golden Apples of legend. However the strength of her Astromancy is heavily tied to the positions and visibility of the stars, disadvantaging Caster during the day or on cloudy/polluted nights where she's unable to tap her full power.

    Atlas Alchemy- A+
    Denotes one's proficiency in the Atlas school of Alchemy. While pedestrian alchemists work on transmuting elements such as lead into gold or suchlike, those of the Atlas school are concerned with transmuting [information] and [events]. Their magnum-opus is transforming their body and mind into the ultimate computational device that could record, calculate and execute all kinds of events. As the Atlas Institute is located in her native mountains of Mauretania Caster is actually its original founder, and hence obtains a high rank in this Skill.

    Accredits her utilization of their specialties Memory Partitioning and Thought Acceleration. At this rank Caster can accelerate her thought-processes up to threefold (gaining the effects of High-Speed Incantation at rank C) and partition her mind into eight separate faculties to run simultaneous parallel calculations. Together they can be called "proof of one's pedigree as an Atlas alchemist" and her mastery of both marks Caster as an undisputed genius founder.

    By supplementing this Skill with her Astromancy Caster can perform super high-speed calculations using the stars in the sky as basis, to realize divinations into the future with uncanny accuracy. Despite appearances this isn't clairvoyance but utilizing the stars as a calculating-engine to boost her already massive computing-power. In life she received a revelation of humanity's future destruction that motivated her to create the Atlas Institute. Both the near and far-future can be divined, though those far into the future will be much vaguer but almost certain to come true (unless Caster dedicates all her effort to averting them) while near-future predictions (like the outcome of a fight) are more specific but uncertain. As it requires her to study the heavens this is generally impractical to use in the midst of a battle.

    Curse Of Petrification- C
    A curse etched indelibly onto Caster's Saint Graph from the unfortunate legend of being petrified by the Gorgon Medusa's gaze courtesy of the "hero" Perseus. Applies a "pressure" that permanently ranks down her Agility parameter. By repurposing that curse into a blessing Caster can petrify her skin into a layer of stony armor, adding + modifiers to Endurance in return for even further dropping her Agility. While Caster can call off this effect at will she's left with lingering stiffness in her joints which makes her annoyed to rely on it.

    Divinity- E+
    Qualifies one's aptitude as a Divine Spirit. Despite being a mortal king and Magus in life, Caster possesses a residual "smear" of divinity by way of affiliation with her namesake, the titan Atlas. Through association of astronomers with "those who study the
    divine
    heavens
    "
    her godly nature has been further boosted. "My name? I consider it ironic, truly. Unlike my counterpart the weight of the heavens is no burden to me, for I bear it joyously and without hesitation. Anything so that humanity may continue to have a future of looking up at the stars."

    As Berserker her connection to Atlas would be further emphasized, equating his madness to her burden of safeguarding humanity and granting Caster far more aspects of the mythical titan. In that case this Skill would be overwritten by Innocent Monster and her Noble Phantasm would be greatly transformed where instead of merely establishing a Celestial Globe she instead commands it to fall upon the opponent, crushing them beneath the weight of the Cosmos unless they can match or exceed Atlas' own fabled strength.


    Noble Phantasm
    Coeus Cosmographia
    Oh Heavens, Reveal Thy Cycles


    Rank: B

    Type: Anti-Army

    A Noble Phantasm crystallizing Caster's supposed creation of the first
    Sphaera
    Celestial Globe
    , as well as the legend of her mythical namesake, the titan Atlas, becoming the embodiment of the Celestial Axis around which the heavens revolve. As a Celestial Globe is a microcosm of the Universe this synergizes Caster's role in inventing Astronomy itself, as the first in history who sought to unify the heavens under human intellect. Upon invocation a transparent gold sphere in the shape of a Celestial Globe projects out ten feet around Caster with nodes corresponding to the various stars swirling across its surface.

    Anything that enters this field falls under the purvey of Caster's conceptual Universe, allowing her to assign new paths to them at will. By conceptualizing her surroundings as a Celestial Globe and placing herself at the Axis Mundi, Caster is privileged to manipulate the rotations of everything around her. The simplest application of this ability resembles basic telekinesis, pulling targets (including living beings) close to her or pushing them away. With more concentration Caster can evade incoming projectiles by bending their trajectories around her in an arc or even condense stray debris to swirl around herself in an orbital shield, deflecting attacks while battering any enemies who dare approach. In essence this Noble Phantasm renders Caster a living celestial body whose gravity must be obeyed.

    While she is only able to directly alter courses within her Universe (in other words 10 feet omnidirectionally) Caster can circumvent this by spinning objects around herself at high speeds to hyper-accelerate them before loosing them at her foes. In this way even an ordinary branch or chunk of stone could be transformed into devastating projectiles. The only limitation is how many revolutions an ordinary object could withstand before disintegrating from friction, limiting how far Caster can send them. Normally this would be nearly impossible to precisely aim but with her superb calculational skill Caster is able to effortlessly perform the mental arithmetic to know just when to release her gravitational hold on the projectiles to fling them in the desired direction. Incidentally this utilization also qualifies her for the Archer Class.

    At its full power this would be an EX-ranked Anti-World Noble Phantasm allowing Caster to manipulate conceptual "cycles" like the tides, the seasons and even life and death by exploiting the connection of all those phenomena to astral bodies. Potentially she could even tug the Earth itself out of its orbit, albeit that would demand far more Mana than even the Greater Grail could provide (roughly 1 trillion Tsar Bombas worth of force) and result in unthinkable destruction for the World. However these functions are sealed were she not summoned by the World itself as Grand Caster.





    My original Atlas of Mauretania sheet didn't accomplish everything I wanted to do with this figure so I decided to write up a remake. Tried to tie her into canon more, though that makes her even more of an OC (given how sparse this figure was already). As usual comments and critiques would be welcome. Thanks for reading y'all!
    Last edited by RoydGolden; April 12th, 2022 at 10:58 PM. Reason: Changed FC

  7. #8227
    Knight of Excess HumanComplex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    [B]Caster of the Empyrean:
    It's pretty late in the night for me, so I can't leave a detailed response. I'll just talk about the things that stood out to me. I'm basing off my limited knowledge of this character using everyone's favorite source, Wikipedia, so forgive me if I say anything wrong.

    You seem to go for the interpretation that there was a human king (female, but we ignore that) who created the first Celestial Globe, to fit the theme of human intellect and tying her to the Atlas Academy. Not the route I'll personally go, especially because of the unlikely historical accuracy, but an understandable one. I won't be complaining too much about that, though I do think Medusa's petrification skill shouldn't have been added because of that. Gorgon's gaze on that Atlas version specially had golden apples inside of it, and I'm not really seeing any golden apples referenced here (just reread your sheet, somehow missed it in the first skill. Although, in my defense, why would you put Golden Apple reference in the Astronomy skill? Also, on that front, feels like a very loose connection. How would Human Atlas have any Golden Apples with Titan Atlas guarding it? Especially since now Human Atlas have been petrified by Perseus due to that). Just feel like a tack-on that doesn't belong on a caster, especially a Grand like the one you made here.

    The NP also reminds me heavily of Arjunna Alter's NP, with Kirschtaria mix-up but somehow sounds more wanked than that. You could've done something more interesting than "I control everything" NP, especially drawing on her status as the first creator of the Globe. It could've been more simple as a "knowing all the heavens" to complement her magecraft, which would've worked better for her desire to understand. Or use her status as the first creator in an aubse of power rightful decision that affects the Human Order's perception of the outside, such as blocking some star's light, while magnifying others. Anything to do with the concept of "first" would be interesting, especially in relations with astronomy. Ooh, how about getting the rights to rename celestial objects, as she's the first human that put them on a model. Like, rename Jupiter to Poseidon, relieving the authority of Jupiter now to Poseidon. Actually, this would probably make more sense with the concept of observation, but I'm sleepy. I'm just listing off random things now, I hope I won't be too embarrassed tomorrow morning.

    Overall, quite a good sheet. Personal complaints are just things I would've liken more, but a really good, solid sheet. Sorry if I sound unenthusiastic, I'm just really tired. Out of HumanComplex's Totally Unskewed Rankings, you get a...

    7.4!

    Also, wasn't the first director Isis? Just remembered now. Dunno if I'm right or wrong.
    Last edited by HumanComplex; April 12th, 2022 at 01:32 AM.

  8. #8228
    Local Extra Class Aficionado DelRey's Avatar
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    after my latest gatekeeper I really like what you did in terms of translating astromancy into an obscure servant. I have not enough knowledge to judge if the connection between and Atlas is justified but I like what you did anyway.
    Great work, you are on a roll lately.
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  9. #8229
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Caster of the Empyrean:
    Overall I'm a bit mixed on this sheet. I will disclose the fact that I am biased as a critic (if you belive in the notion of an unbiased source can exist) but I will tray to reserve that bias from inlfencing me to just end up saying "it isn't what I would have done so it's wrong" or somethign like that. My bias strings from the fact that I actually have my own idea of how Atlas got founded and the story behind it which differs greatly1. Overall I have to agree with Human Complex, on some of their points. The NP seems like serious overkill, even beyond what Wodmine could do (who himself was crazy OP due to the nature of LB 5). There is also the issue of Atlas even knowing Astromancy becuase the sepcific kind of astromany you reference I think is the Animushpere family's brand of the magecraft (which may or may not be identical to the whole branch or may just be a specific sub-branch of the art), which dates back to the Chaldeans circa 1000 BC. Considering that the Argonuaghts generally are circa 1500 BC, and Perseus is before even them this raises a timeline issue. My more major issues are the ranks of Item Construction and Territory creation, more specifcally the ladder. From what we know about just an imperfect replica of the Black barrel (the one in FGO) giving her the ability to recreate something like that (that can kill gods and Types), when she wasn't even involved in it's creation is fairly insane and OP. Paracelsus has an EX rank item construction and I don't think he could do that.

    Lastly, while I do like the attempt to detail Atlas, and the idea of them dating back so far in history, but I wish a little more was done with it. I mean if a ton of this sheet si running off of the idea that "due to the acheivements of what she/he founded this has eleveated their saint graph and given them new abilites" then why not go all the way? Why not also give them an innocent monster rank due to how the directors of Atlas lost their minds? Why not make her obsessed with saving and protecting humanity due to Atlas' obession with finding every possible end of the world. Why not give them mental pollution or insanity? But that's just my take.

    Either way I like the sheet, despite my nitpicks.

    My Atlas Backstory

    Basically Mary the Prophetess / Mary the Jewess and Hermes Trismegistus took in six students {{Agathodaemon, Zosimos of Panopolis, Bolus of Mendes, Komarios who called himself Moses, Chymes who referred to themselves as Cleopatra, and the Ostanes family}} who would become the Six sages of Atlas. Mary would end up having a falling out with Hermes and her students due to a disagreement on how to perserve the human order (how to "hold back the heavens", thus the name Atlas, they akin to Atlas would hold back the heavens from descending upon the earth). This disagreement would lead to her leaving them, but out of gratitude for her teaching they give three gifts to her listed below.

    • The first was that she would be allowed to take and continue her research and all materials related, however this would be considered and performed separately from the Six Sages and Hermes as well as the organization they were building.
    • The second was that the Six Sages out of respect for Mary¬ís teachings would maintain research into the potential of the three human factors, body, mind, and soul although this would be secondary to their research into predicting the threats to the world and countering them.
    • The Thirs was that Mary would be given 7 contracts bound to the magic circuits, and by proxy the future crests of owners which would on demand allow her access to a request from Atlas so long as it met a basic rule that it would not endanger or threaten humanity. Thes would later become known as the Seven Atlas contracts.



    Regarding the schism. Hermes Trismegistus belevied in calculation, the usage of thinking and determination to find threats and using means currently existing within the world (the counter force, magecraft, mystic codes, etc.) combating or preventing these threats from causing harm. However, Mary the Prophetess saw the matter differently, she sought evolution as the way to protect mankind. She (who I retcon into being the first creator of the Philospher's stone among the other things she is creddited with) wished to save mankind not by find threats and making tools or relying on the wolrd to stop them, but outstripping any foe they would face. She inhernetly saw humans as incomplete, divided unessisarily into separate parts, male and female; water, wind, fire, and earth; the body, the mind, and the soul; She saw modern humans as the flawed Children of Adam Ha-Rishon, she wished to save them by finding a way to evolve into the sucessors to Adam Kadmon, the perfect ideal human. The Philsopher's stone was part of this, the stone is known for both allowing transfiguration disregarding the rules associated with such, storing immesne amounts of magical energy, and granting limited immortality.

    These properties are not a coincidence, nor is the fact that anyone who can make a Philosopher stone carefully watched and considered a sealing candidate. The Philosopher's stone was designed for human transfiguration, using human transfiguration as a means of artificially induced evolution. Creating a new age of the gods with humans rising to replace and surpass the gods themselves. This in Pan-human history failed drastically, as her research in Heracleion (involving subjects from the cities of Abdera, Taranto, and many others of the Heracleidae) revolving around human transfiguration and apotheosis was deemed a threat to humanity. Alaya did not deem the beings that would result from this process as "human" as they lacked emotion, were biologically immortal (they couldn't die of age), and lacked human traits. In retaliation it sent in the counter guardians and the resultant clash between them and Mary sank the entire city (which may have been Alaya's wish).


    Ever since then human transfiguration has been if not taboo, then highly regulated not just in Atlas, but also worldwide (in the Magus association, with Chinese alchemists, etc.). That's why reasrech into vampires/dead apostles is banned, nobody wants a repeat of Heracleion as they fear that could end with a whole organization on the chopping block and not just one city. That's also why Atlas has the rule not to allow their weapons outside, and want those contracts back, they fear that they themselves could be a danger to humanity in trying to help them just like Mary was. But that's just my take on things {which as you may teel took inspirtaion from Fullmetal Alchemist }
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  10. #8230
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    Source: bo_1125 on Twitter

    Class: Saber
    Other Classes: N/A
    True Name: Louis Antoine de Saint-Just
    Alignment: Lawful Evil
    Place of Origin: France

    Parameters:

    STR: D
    END: D
    AGI: D
    MGI: B
    LCK: C
    NP: B

    Height: 180 cm
    Weight: 145lbs
    Likes: Justice, Government
    Dislikes: Rebellion, Monarchy
    Talent: Convincing people to execute monarchs
    Natural Enemy: Marie Antoinette
    Attribute: Man
    Traits: Man, Weak to Enuma Elish, Humanoid, Male
    Armament: He uses an elegant sword which is used to manifest The Archangel of Justice
    Catalyst: A copy of one of the decrees he wrote

    Class Skills:
    Magic Resistance D: He didn't live during the Age of Gods and didn't face down any spellcasters. However, he personally is capable of minor spells and uses them to his advantage. At this rank, he can barely resist any spells.
    Riding C: He is capable of riding horses and other vehicles. He was never particularly known for riding.

    Personal Skills:
    Charisma B+: He was an incredibly charismatic person, acting as the face of the Reign of Terror and justifying many terrible things in ways such that the people believed it was the right thing to do and were exuberantly supporting him. This ranks-up when he truly believes in the justice of what he is saying.
    Golden Rule C: He is capable of almost never having money troubles due to all of the wealth he seized.
    Noble Phantasm(s):

    The Archangel Of Justice
    Their Rights Have Been Revoked

    Type: Anti-Group
    Rank: B
    Range: 2000 meters
    Max Targets: 5 targets

    This noble phantasm is the sublimation of his title as the Archangel of Justice, as well as his Ventose Decrees. When invoked, an aura of four wings and a sword manifests around him, changing him to appear similar to an archangel. They then all fly towards their target enemies, each of them hitting hard. However, their more special use comes in the fact that whomever gets hit also has their rights revoked, as they are branded as a criminal. This includes such rights as the Right to Own Property, the Rite to Care..., applying a powerful curse which prevents them from going into spiritual form for two hours and sealing their Noble Phantasms, as they are property, for thirty minutes.

    Lore: Louis Antoine de Saint-Just was a legislator and the face of the French Revolution. He was a main ally of Maximilien Robespierre and was guillotined on the same day as him. He was known for writing the reports and the legislation such as the Ventose Decrees and the 1793 constitution.

    Personality: A very strict and authoritive person, anything he sees as a crime or anyone who opposes him will face him down. He doesn't appear to get very wrathful, but his anger simmers under his skin as he prepares to attack. However, when he chooses to, he can be very charismatic as he smoothly convinces people that the sacrifices made were necessary towards the greater good.

    Relationships:
    Marie Antoinette: "Your existence is against law and order in this place. It is unlawful for a monarch to remain! So fall before me."
    Qin Shi Huang: "You are a royal? A robot? Both are very illegal. All your property shall be confiscated and you shall be executed."
    Jack The Ripper: "A serial killer made of ghosts? How very peculiar. I would confiscate your property, but... you don't have any, so."
    Charles-Henri Sanson: "Hello, my friend. How have you been? Why are you guilty over their deaths? They were criminals, who committed severe crimes. Do not worry, my friend, you have been righteous this entire time."
    Last edited by jishara; April 12th, 2022 at 02:16 PM.

  11. #8231
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HumanComplex View Post
    It's pretty late in the night for me, so I can't leave a detailed response. I'll just talk about the things that stood out to me. I'm basing off my limited knowledge of this character using everyone's favorite source, Wikipedia, so forgive me if I say anything wrong.

    You seem to go for the interpretation that there was a human king (female, but we ignore that) who created the first Celestial Globe, to fit the theme of human intellect and tying her to the Atlas Academy. Not the route I'll personally go, especially because of the unlikely historical accuracy, but an understandable one. I won't be complaining too much about that, though I do think Medusa's petrification skill shouldn't have been added because of that. Gorgon's gaze on that Atlas version specially had golden apples inside of it, and I'm not really seeing any golden apples referenced here (just reread your sheet, somehow missed it in the first skill. Although, in my defense, why would you put Golden Apple reference in the Astronomy skill? Also, on that front, feels like a very loose connection. How would Human Atlas have any Golden Apples with Titan Atlas guarding it? Especially since now Human Atlas have been petrified by Perseus due to that). Just feel like a tack-on that doesn't belong on a caster, especially a Grand like the one you made here.

    The NP also reminds me heavily of Arjunna Alter's NP, with Kirschtaria mix-up but somehow sounds more wanked than that. You could've done something more interesting than "I control everything" NP, especially drawing on her status as the first creator of the Globe. It could've been more simple as a "knowing all the heavens" to complement her magecraft, which would've worked better for her desire to understand. Or use her status as the first creator in an aubse of power rightful decision that affects the Human Order's perception of the outside, such as blocking some star's light, while magnifying others. Anything to do with the concept of "first" would be interesting, especially in relations with astronomy. Ooh, how about getting the rights to rename celestial objects, as she's the first human that put them on a model. Like, rename Jupiter to Poseidon, relieving the authority of Jupiter now to Poseidon. Actually, this would probably make more sense with the concept of observation, but I'm sleepy. I'm just listing off random things now, I hope I won't be too embarrassed tomorrow morning.

    Overall, quite a good sheet. Personal complaints are just things I would've liken more, but a really good, solid sheet. Sorry if I sound unenthusiastic, I'm just really tired. Out of HumanComplex's Totally Unskewed Rankings, you get a...

    7.4!

    Also, wasn't the first director Isis? Just remembered now. Dunno if I'm right or wrong.
    The main part of the petrification legend was her refusing Perseus hospitality, so I feel you could keep that without the Golden Apples. Just replace that with her fearing he'd take her kingdom's treasure or even just not wanting to be interrupted during her studies. It's not like the Apples themselves play a direct part in that story. I did actually consider giving her the Apples as a Skill or NP but figured it'd be unnecessary and detract from the Astronomy/Alchemy theme. And fair about her NP being maybe a bit too hax. The one in the original sheet was just manipulating the rotations of things by establishing herself as Axis Mundi, which I liked but with how I expanded her Astromancy figured that would seem underwhelming for her NP. And thanks for the feedback!

    - - - Updated - - -

    Saint-Just: Nice but I don't get his Mana Burst (Charisma) Skill. What's the basis in his legend for having that and why isn't it just a + modifier in his Charisma? It also doesn't fit the pattern of other Mana Bursts at all.

  12. #8232
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    Hi Royd, thanks for the comment. I have adjusted him now.

  13. #8233
    Knight of Excess HumanComplex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    The main part of the petrification legend was her refusing Perseus hospitality, so I feel you could keep that without the Golden Apples. Just replace that with her fearing he'd take her kingdom's treasure or even just not wanting to be interrupted during her studies. It's not like the Apples themselves play a direct part in that story. I did actually consider giving her the Apples as a Skill or NP but figured it'd be unnecessary and detract from the Astronomy/Alchemy theme. And fair about her NP being maybe a bit too hax. The one in the original sheet was just manipulating the rotations of things by establishing herself as Axis Mundi, which I liked but with how I expanded her Astromancy figured that would seem underwhelming for her NP. And thanks for the feedback!
    Fair points, I've probably been too focused on the apples, especially since it's not that important in the legend. It just has a background influence, though I would consider a very important one. Your original NP idea honestly sounds better, and it's not even underwhelming. While controlling the rotations (I'm assuming the planet) is not very applicable, it's still very powerful. To stop the rotation of earth, you would need the energy of over 1 trillion tsar bombas, give or take. Though one request would be for more detailed descriptions of mystic codes. I mean, objects used in astronomy is fundamental, so it would've been interesting to see it in conjunction with the magecraft.

    Saint-Just:Overall, a good, simple sheet. Liked his charisma, though the skills were boring. I'm sure you could've made a personal skill based of whatever revolution stuff he did. As for the NP, the concept was nice, but the execution was off. Forcing the concept of criminal and revoking their rights is vague and hard to make use of, since it's not said he does extra damage against criminals, or what the rights entails. Like, does that mean servants can't use their weapons or have armor because they lost the right to own stuff? Plus, it's loosely tied together, as from what I know he just executed them. Revoking the rights to me is more for judges, but eh, still works. Decent sheet, lacking execution.

    Out of HumanComplex's Totally Unskewed Rankings, you get...

    5.4!
    Last edited by HumanComplex; April 12th, 2022 at 05:17 PM.

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    Hi HumanComplex:

    His job was being the face of the revolution and drafting the laws, thus Charisma and his NP... the NP doesn't do extra damage to criminals, but seals their NPs for 30 minutes and their spiritual form for two hours, as most of the people marked as criminals actually weren't. And finally, he didn't actually execute anyone, but he wrote the legislation that barred "criminals" from owning property and took all of it, which is where I am getting revoke rights.

    Thanks!
    Last edited by jishara; April 12th, 2022 at 05:35 PM.

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    Knight of Excess HumanComplex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jishara View Post
    Hi HumanComplex:

    His job was being the face of the revolution and drafting the laws, thus Charisma and his NP... the NP doesn't do extra damage to criminals, but seals their NPs for 30 minutes and their spiritual form for two hours, as most of the people marked as criminals actually weren't. And finally, he didn't actually execute anyone, but he wrote the legislation that barred "criminals" from owning property and took all of it, which is where I am getting revoke rights.

    Thanks!
    My mistake then, I just interpreted the way you had an angel with a sword just kill people. After all, you said the right revoking is the special affect, so I just assumed the normal effect was killing them. Your right revoking is still to me a limited ability that could be expanded on, but it's fine on its own.
    Last edited by HumanComplex; April 12th, 2022 at 10:50 PM.

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    Ah, thanks so much friend!

  17. #8237
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    So I took some of HumanComplex and Fortuna's ideas and reverted Atlas' NP to be closer to its original concept (though fleshed out to get across more its power) as well as giving her a new Mad Enhancement Skill, ranking up Item Construction to EX and expanding Divinity flavor-text. Any thoughts?

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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    So I took some of HumanComplex and Fortuna's ideas and reverted Atlas' NP to be closer to its original concept (though fleshed out to get across more its power) as well as giving her a new Mad Enhancement Skill, ranking up Item Construction to EX and expanding Divinity flavor-text. Any thoughts?
    Personally I like it. I liked it before and I like it more now. It works as being able to flesh out the character of servant while also helping build and reflect upon the lore of Atlas in turn. Nicely done.
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    I like her a lot. She’s a pretty obscure figure to turn into a servant. I’m still curious why her faceclaim is so pale for someone who supposedly lived in modern day North Africa or why she’s a girl but I like her.

    Will you do your other grand candidates as servants or just caster?

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    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NINE-lives View Post
    I like her a lot. She’s a pretty obscure figure to turn into a servant. I’m still curious why her faceclaim is so pale for someone who supposedly lived in modern day North Africa or why she’s a girl but I like her.

    Will you do your other grand candidates as servants or just caster?
    The FC I mainly picked just because finding anime boys with astronomical instruments turned out to be too hard. I doubt I could find a darkskinned one in particular. If I wanted I guess I could spin it as she's pale because she mainly shut herself in her Workshop and only went out at night to observe the stars (or when dragged out for ceremonial/royal events). Fun fact I even wrote out most of her original personality (basically everything except the Atlas stuff) while still envisioning her as male, which is one of the few times I've followed that particular screenwriting practice.

    I've already written up Longinus, Hou Yi, Noah, Adam, Viking, Abe No Seimei and Cain Servants. The others probably not since they're mostly ones that've been written up a lot already and I'd have trouble coming up with my own take.

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