Create-A-Servant 3

[jishara]

Updated all formatting! What do you think of Marius?

[jishara]

Source: WALLPX, Touken Ranbu

Class: Rider
Other Classes: Lancer
True Name: Meleager
Alignment: Lawful Good
Place of Origin: Greek Mythology

Parameters:

STR: A
END: C
AGI: B
MGI: C
LCK: D
NP: A+

Height: 180 cm
Weight: 160 lbs
Likes: Giving gifts, gracious allies, Greek heroes
Dislikes: Entitled people, misogyny
Talent: Starting hunts, wielding spears
Natural Enemy: Jason
Attribute: Man
Traits: Weak to Enuma Elish, Male, Hominoid
Armament: Xylo
Catalyst: An old boar pelt, a charred piece of wood

Class Skills:
Riding B - As a hero from the Age Of Gods who is famous for slaying a beast, he has a fairly high rank in it. However, it is not enough to control beings as powerful as the Calydonian Boar.
Magic Resistance B+ - He was a hero from the age of gods who was able to easily take the magical blows of a powerful Divine Beast. As such he has a high rank, with bonus against beasts.

Personal Skills:
Bloodthirsty Thrust A - The ability to target injuries with his spear to enhance the power of the strike. This comes from his slaying of the Calydonian Boar after Atlanta wounded it. If he was summoned as a Lancer, this would be sublimated into a Noble Phantasm.
Flames Of War C++ - This noble phantasm is the ability to produce powerful flames of war which feed on his battle fury, enhancing from mild flames to titanic bonfires. This is granted to him by his supposed status as a son of Ares. The second rank-up is granted whenever Xylo is on fire.
Divinity E - This is granted to him by his supposed status as a child of Ares, but due to it being a baseless rumor it has very low level.

Noble Phantasm(s):

Xylo
My Life Will Burn Like A Flame

Type: Support
Rank: A
Range: 10 feet
Max Targets: 1

His noble phantasm is his spear, a simple wooden tool. In truth it has two powerful properties. The first makes it immune to everything except fire and noble phantasms of a higher rank. The second allows it to serve as his conceptual core, allowing him to take any damage without flinching. However, if fire ever touches it, it will burn alight, overcharging its spiritual core and causing him to have a temporary rank-up to all stats. However, after 10 turns he dies.

Proto Aima
To The Worthy One

Type: Anti-Army
Rank: B
Range: 200 Meters
Max Targets: 200

This noble phantasm allows him to designate an item as a reward for completing a task. Anyone who hears about it will have a mental interference effect to begin the task. That is however the simplest effect. Whenever anyone is doing the task, if someone attacks the task-doer the damage will bounce back. The first person to finish receives the reward.

Kynigi Vronti Karpos
The Boar That Rages

Type: Anti-Fortress
Rank: A+
Range: 200 Meters
Max Targets: 600

This noble phantasm allows him to summon a fearsome boar, the divine Calydonian Boar whom he slayed. Its very breath is lightning, and it is covered in immense bristles like tusks. However, he cannot control it due to his low riding ability, so for him summoning it is a last resort.

Lore: When Meleager was born, the greek Fates declared that he would die at the same time as a log within the hearth fully burnt. Hearing this, his mother quickly removed the log, put it out, and hid it away. When he was older, Meleager went on a quest to find the heroes to perform the Calydonian Boar Hunt, including Heracles, Jason, and the huntress whom he was in love with, Atlanta. During the start, Atlanta landed the first blood, and then Meleager killed the boar, so Meleager awarded the prize to the first blood, and thus to Atlanta. His uncles were angry that he gave it to a woman, so he killed them. He also killed two other heroes for attacking her. When his mother heard that her son killed her brothers, she carefully removed the log and tossed it into the fire. Thus he died.

Personality:
A brave man, bright and glorious. He is selfless, and willing to give away anything he has to aid others. His wish for the grail is that Atlante would always be happy, and that he could have stopped Hippomenus. However, a darker side appears when Xylo is burning. This is an angry man who will kill for any perceived slight.
Relationships:
Atlante: "Atlanta? You're here? It's so nice to see you. Here, shall we catch up? Say, over some lunch?"
Artemis: "Oh, Artemis? Would you give me your blessing to date Atlante? You will? Thank you so much."
Jason: "You? Ah... say what I will about that man, I can't help but be amazed at his cunning."
Creator Notes: Update!

[Wan Dering'cul Tivator]

Thank you for the advice! What do you think of her noble phantasms?

the pseudo-Shielder strats provided by her Noble Phantasm Bouclier Du Roi: Their Good St. Genevieve should be quite useful in a Holy Grail War and as a fan of the zombie genre I greatly approve of the double tap provided by her second Noble Phantasm

Thoughts on Gaius Marius

An interesting choice for a Stranger, definitely would want to see Julius Caesar's reaction to his uncle being a Stranger. Also would be interesting to see him interact with the roman emperors like Nero Claudius. Also would be interesting how he would interact with Plato (if Plato ever got an official entry after Fate/Grand Order x Himuro's World: Seven Most Powerful Great Figures Chapter)

[DelRey]

Ambrose:
Something is not right. I feel like the "Royd Essence" was diluted here.
I think my biggest problem is the first Noble Phantasm. Bn likes it and I think I know why.
This sheet feels like Royd cosplays as Bn but does not hit the mark.
It is not a bad sheet by any means but something is nagging me.
I guess it may be the length. The NP is literally a whole screen for me now that I am back on my laptop.
To me it feels like you started writing the NP and continued and continued because ideas came in and then you were done without a second thought. It feels convoluted and overexplained.
Taking this sheet on a conceptual level and acting as if it were mine, I would try to look at the essence and reconsider which effects belong to the skills section and which to the NP section. And if there is a bunch of lore I wanna put it, I think what aspects are represented in this class and which in another.

I hope this did not come off wrong. I always value your quality sheets but this time something felt not right and I wouldn't be able to shake off the feeling until I explored for myself why

[NINE-lives]

No comment about all these newcomers?

[RoydGolden]

Elisabeth: Simple and well-done with a cute personality. I'm curious why you decided not to write her as Shielder though given the first NP. I know you said she doesn't want to keep from seeing Marie again but I don't really get that as Shielder isn't an available Class for Marie so there wouldn't be a risk of overwriting her spot (like Rama refusing to be summoned as Archer because that's Sita's Class). Also her second NP has some nice imagery but I think you could stand to explain how that relates to Montreuil itself (the plants, light, water etc). For someone unfamiliar with her legend it's not really obvious.

Marius: This one on the other hand I feel suffers from being a bit too simple. You barely summarize who this guy is, what his connection to the Darkness is (presumably there's a reason you chose that particular Outer God) or why he has the Skills he does (I don't even know if Mystic Eyes of Flame is something he has from his own legend or the Darkness). Overall I think this concept required more fleshing-out to get it across.

Meleager: Skills-wise Flames Of War is a bit weird as fire isn't really the biggest symbol Ares is associated with. Maybe if you fleshed out the effects to make them more "warlike" like saying the fires can feed off conflict in the surroundings to grow or emit a mental interference that makes people prone to fight I could see it as but as is this seems like just a bootlegged Mana Burst (Flames). Bloodthirsty Thrust is good though I think you could've stood to clarify that it comes from how he finished off the Calydonian Boar while it was wounded. For his NP I don't like the idea of summoning the Calydonian Boar just because he killed it. Though I guess that's more an issue with statting him up as Rider in the first place since there's no other obvious mount type NP he could possess. If he could summon it I'd think he should at least have difficulty in controlling it since it nearly killed him in life. If you want an alternative NP for him (maybe in a different Class) you could come up with something about being able to designate a Servant's NP to someone else provided he deems them "more worthy" based on how he gave away the Calydonian Pelt to Atalante.

[Serefin99]

Appearance:

Spoiler:

killia_disgaea_and_2_more_drawn_by_harada_takehito__0b358724ec3feb28fe80bdf044ee9c95_320x480.png

True Name: Cerberus

Servant Class: Berserker

Alignment: True Neutral

History:

Spoiler:

The three-headed watchdog of Hades from Greek mythology. While Cerberus lacks any stories specifically devoted to him, he appears in a number of other Greek myths. Perhaps his most famous appearance is in the story of Heracles, where he functioned as the demigod’s 12th and final labor.

Heracles was tasked by Eurystheus, the king of Tiryns, to capture Cerberus and bring the hellhound to him, a task that was thought to be impossible. With the assistance of Hermes and Athena, Heracles successfully made his way to the underworld, where he asked Hades to lend him Cerberus for his labor. Hades agreed, but under one condition: Heracles would have to tame Cerberus without the use of any weapons or armor. Heracles happily agreed to these terms, as he still possessed the pelt of the Nemean Lion from an earlier labor. Using the pelt as a shield, Heracles managed to grab hold of Cerberus and wrestled the three-headed dog into submission. Afterwards, he chained Cerberus up and dragged him out of the underworld, parading him around Greece before finally returning to Eurysthenes. Cerberus would later escape from captivity and return to the underworld on his own.

Personality:

Spoiler:

Due to the summoning, Cerberus does not possess his iconic three heads; instead, his heads have manifested themselves in the form of Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Of his three personalities, his default is serious and duty-bound. This personality views the trio’s job as the underworld’s watchdog with the utmost seriousness, and was constantly vigilant to ensure no souls attempted to escape. However, this seriousness comes at a cost, as jokes and metaphors tend to fly over his head.

His second personality is reckless and hot-blooded, desiring nothing more than combat and victory. Where the ‘primary’ head ensured nobody attempted to escape, this one would constantly try to goad souls into escaping so he could tear them to shreds. However, this personality is also an incredibly sore loser, and will constantly make excuses should he ever lose a fight.

The final personality is laidback and carefree, and tries to avoid conflict whenever possible, though he will still fight to defend himself. He is the least liked by the other personalities, who alternatively view him as either a ‘slacker’ or a ‘wuss’.

All three heads share the same disdain for Heracles, and they all share the same wish: to find a mate.

Parameters

Strength: B+

Endurance: B+

Agility: B+

Mana: C

Luck: C

Noble Phantasm: EX

Class Skills

Spoiler:

Mad Enhancement C+ - The class skill of the Berserker class that robs one of reason in exchange for strength. At this rank, all parameters except Luck and Mana are ranked up. Rather than madness, this skill represents Cerberus’ animal instincts; after all, even in a humanoid body, he still possesses the mindset of a dog.

Independent Action B - The ability to act without a Master’s support. At this rank, by limiting combat and minimizing mana usage, the Servant can remain in the world for a maximum of two days even without a Master.

Personal Skills

Spoiler:

Watcher of the Underworld A+ - A skill denoting Cerberus’ status as the underworld’s watchdog. It was Cerberus’ job to ensure no living souls could enter the underworld, but more importantly, to ensure that dead souls did not escape back into the world of the living. Grants bonuses against the undead as well as Servants who properly ‘died’ in life.

Monstrous Strength A++ - A skill borne of one’s nature as a monster or Demonic Beast. As a natural-borne Divine Beast, Cerberus possesses this skill at one of the highest ranks possible. Allows Cerberus to increase his Strength for a period of time.

Mana Burst (Hellfire) B - The tainted flames of the underworld. In addition to burning hotter than regular fire, these flames can also damage the souls of humans and the spiritual cores of Servants. Cerberus can either coat his body in these flames or expel them from his mouth as a breath weapon.

Noble Phantasm

Spoiler:

Tartarus Howling
Bite of the Great Black Dog

Type: Anti-Unit (Self)

Rank: EX

The Noble Phantasm of Cerberus.

Upon activation, Cerberus transforms into his true form. Muscles shift and bones crack as his humanoid shape gives way to a mammoth-sized black dog with three heads. Each head possesses a single eye and a maw full of razor-sharp teeth; each head can also exhale a poisonous and corrosive breath. Additionally, instead of fur, its body is covered in metallic black armor.

Differing from when he is summoned under King’s Order, this is Cerberus as a full Divine Beast. His strength easily outmatches most Servants, who will struggle to damage him in turn. However, in this form, he also obtains a weakness to weapons and powers with Anti-Divinity traits. Furthermore, this Noble Phantasm is extremely mana intensive, and cannot be sustained for long.

[RoydGolden]

Ambrose:
Something is not right. I feel like the "Royd Essence" was diluted here.
I think my biggest problem is the first Noble Phantasm. Bn likes it and I think I know why.
This sheet feels like Royd cosplays as Bn but does not hit the mark.
It is not a bad sheet by any means but something is nagging me.
I guess it may be the length. The NP is literally a whole screen for me now that I am back on my laptop.
To me it feels like you started writing the NP and continued and continued because ideas came in and then you were done without a second thought. It feels convoluted and overexplained.
Taking this sheet on a conceptual level and acting as if it were mine, I would try to look at the essence and reconsider which effects belong to the skills section and which to the NP section. And if there is a bunch of lore I wanna put it, I think what aspects are represented in this class and which in another.

I hope this did not come off wrong. I always value your quality sheets but this time something felt not right and I wouldn't be able to shake off the feeling until I explored for myself why

I can see what you mean about the NP feeling overloaded with effects. Originally it was just a speech that makes the opponent question their actions but I felt that wasn't enough for an NP so added the sin discernment and Anti-King stuff. The latter at least I'd want to keep since it's a big part of his legend and why he has that NP in the first place but the clairvoyance (though it ties in nicely with his FC) or even geas aspect I could conceivably scrap.

[jishara]

I have updated Meleager, Marius, and Elisabeth. What do you think of the updates?

[RoydGolden]

I have updated Meleager, Marius, and Elisabeth. What do you think of the updates?

Those two are definitely more fleshed-out now. For Elisabeth, I see you better explained why she doesn't want to be summoned as Shielder. I was wondering about that though I don't know if it makes 100% sense as it's not like Servants have to choose a single compatible Class they'll always be summoned in. She could accept being summoned as Caster most of the time while still being willing to appear as Shielder in Wars that have one. She's actually only limiting her chances of being with Marie otherwise. Also I see you still didn't explain why Reine Montreuil has those effects. I can guess the art is because she collected a whole bunch of works there and the plants are what grew there but I'm not sure about the blast of water or light.

- - - Updated - - -

Cerberus: Cool sheet with a fitting FC. Making the three "heads" split-personalities was a clever idea. Curious that you didn't use the more popular form of the legend where Heracles befriends Cerberus by offering them treats instead, but I guess that's because you wanted to include him as a rival.

[Serefin99]

Cerberus: Cool sheet with a fitting FC. Making the three "heads" split-personalities was a clever idea. Curious that you didn't use the more popular form of the legend where Heracles befriends Cerberus by offering them treats instead, but I guess that's because you wanted to include him as a rival.

Well, that would be because I've never actually heard that version of the myth, heheh. All the versions I've heard have had Herc basically wrestle Cerberus into submission.

[jishara]

Reine Montreuil is like that because the water and light are symbolic of the fairly famous chapel in Reine Montreuil and her status as a Martyr and Servant of God by the Catholic church. I will explain that better in the post.

[RoydGolden]

Well, that would be because I've never actually heard that version of the myth, heheh. All the versions I've heard have had Herc basically wrestle Cerberus into submission.

Huh, did I really just imagine that version? Maybe it was some popularization...

- - - Updated - - -

Reine Montreuil is like that because the water and light are symbolic of the fairly famous chapel in Reine Montreuil and her status as a Martyr and Servant of God by the Catholic church. I will explain that better in the post.

Ah, that makes sense. Thanks!

[jishara]

Number 5!

Class: Caster
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
True Name: Giovanni Perluigi Da Palestrina

Personality
A calm and fairly centered man. His peacefulness allows him to easily go with anything. However, he wishes he was able to use the powers he had now in life, and so will occasionally go into a frenzy of composition. He also hates people who attack other composers. His wish for the grail would be to enhance all of his compositions.
Natural Enemy: Antonio Salieri (Due to the erroneous belief Salieri killed Mozart)


Quotes
Summoning Line: "Caster, Palestrina. Have you heard my pieces?"
First Ascension: (appearance as written) "Ah, I've just got some inspiration!"
Second Ascension: (His red robes become tinged with white) "Beautiful, isn't this?"
Third Ascension: (His robes are completely white and his pale hair is now neck-length) "I've become more brilliant! I'm sure you like this tune, and this, and this..."
Fourth Ascension: (He has his eyes closed as a flurry of music paper appears around him) "Here are my compositions in the past day. What? I went overboard? No, no, I only wrote 526 pieces."
Bond Five Line: "Ah, master. Nice to see you. I'm writing my masterpiece and it's about you. I hope you are okay with that."
Noble Phantasm: "My most famous work. Come to me angels, and surround me in light! Missa Papae Marcelli!"
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: "I enjoy your composition. If only you weren't so... unsavory."
Antonio Salieri/Angra Mainyu: "You poor soul. Demonized for something you never did. Don't worry. The Lord always sees the true you."
Elizabeth/Carmilla: "I can see you have repented for your sins. And in my, and in the Lord's view, that is enough."


Appearance
Palestrina is a slender man looking in his early twenties with pale hair. He is dressed in red robes reminiscent of a cardinal's attire. He also wears a long rosary. In his angelic form he becomes a glowing, vaguely humanoid entity of pure light.
Stats
Strength: D
Endurance: C
Mana: B
Luck: B
Agility: D
Noble Phantasm: B


Class Skills
Item Creation D - Can only create music
Territory Creation B - Can create Music Halls on par with Workshops.


Personal Skills
Protection of the Faith A- - A holy spirit who was completely devoted to God, this grants him an absoluteness of the body and mind. However, his personality has distorted such that this may falter occasionally. When it falters, he will enter a more zealot-like state.
Blessing Of The Music Gods B - Due to his incredible music, he gains a false version of Blessing of the Muses.


Noble Phantasm
Missa Papae Marcelli: The Holy Light Of The Lord B - The invocation of his most famous mass manifesting, when invoked, in a glowing orb surrounding him in light. This modifies him with the status of an angel, due to its use at the coronation of popes. This allows him to create glowing orbs of pure light. But its true power comes in the fact that it was said that due to it being polyphonic and simple, it convinced the Council of Trent to allow polyphonic music. This comes in twin abilities which are only usable in this form and only one at a time. The first allows him to clone himself several times. The second comes in the property to cancel any form of erasure.


How is this?

[RoydGolden]

Number 5!

Class: Caster
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
True Name: Giovanni Perluigi Da Palestrina

Personality
A calm and fairly centered man. His peacefulness allows him to easily go with anything. However, he wishes he was able to use the powers he had now in life, and so will occasionally go into a frenzy of composition. He also hates people who attack other composers. His wish for the grail would be to enhance all of his compositions.
Natural Enemy: Antonio Salieri (Due to the erroneous belief Salieri killed Mozart)

Stats
Strength: D
Endurance: C
Mana: B
Luck: B
Agility: D
Noble Phantasm: B


Class Skills
Item Creation D - Can only create music
Territory Creation B - Can create Music Halls on par with Workshops.


Personal Skills
Protection (Christian) A- - A holy spirit who was completely devoted to God, this grants him Magic Resistance C, but it becomes A if it is against Christian, Jew, or Muslim magic.
Blessing Of The Muses (false) B - Due to his incredible music, he gains a false version of Blessing of the Muses.


Noble Phantasm
Missa Papae Marcelli: The Holy Light Of The Lord B - The invocation of his most famous mass manifesting, when invoked, in a glowing orb surrounding him in light. This modifies him with the status of an angel, due to its use at the coronation of popes, as well as a dragon, due to the erroneus beliefs that it was written to stop a draconian ban. This allows him to create glowing orbs of pure light and grants him a Dragon Breath of sound. But its true power comes in the fact that it was said that due to it being polyphonic and simple, it convinced the Council of Trent to allow polyphonic music. This comes in twin abilities which are only usable in this form and only one at a time. The first allows him to clone himself several times. The second comes in the property to cancel any form of erasure.


How is this?

Wow, you're really churning these out quickly. I presume you wrote up a bunch of these already before coming to the forum (like I did) because otherwise that's pretty wild. As for the sheet, it's fine, fairly simple in line with your prior works but there's nothing in particular that strikes me as lacking. I presume Blessing Of The Muses is just Mozart's Protection Of The Music God written differently and for his first Skill, is there any reason you didn't give him Protection Of The Faith with the same justification? I can see you wanted to make an effort to give him unique Skills but that strikes me as fairly overlapping to a canon one without adding all that much. For his NP giving him dragon attributes because of opposing a "draconian" ban seems like a weird and tenuous stretch on his legend that doesn't make much sense. I'd just scrap that part outright, especially since it seems to do enough already.

- - - Updated - - -

I just realized one thing your sheets lack is FCs. If you can't find fitting ones could you at least write out the Servant's appearance yourself? It could add a little more flavor.

[jishara]

Hi Royd, yeah, I have about 110 ideas remaining to be updated and revolved into a sheet. I will add appearances to all of them, and update Palestrina. Thank you for your comments!

[RoydGolden]

Hi Royd, yeah, I have about 110 ideas remaining to be updated and revolved into a sheet. I will add appearances to all of them, and update Palestrina. Thank you for your comments!

Holy crap I'm glad you got an account here or it sounds like you might've literally exploded with that creative backlog.

[NINE-lives]

But he’s going for quantity over quality.

[jishara]

Holy crap I'm glad you got an account here or it sounds like you might've literally exploded with that creative backlog.

Yeah, I was nervous to post because I was seeing all these amazing sheets from you and the other posters. But I'm glad I did.

Oh by the way, I have updated Palestrina and added all the appearance sections to my sheets. How are they now?

[RoydGolden]

By the way, for Palestrina, if you are giving him Protection Of The Faith you should rewrite its description to be more in line with the canon Skill. Because those aren't its effects (absolution of the body and mind and distorting the personality if the ranking is too high).