One morning, a roar echoed through the boiler room themed like a golden tea room.
“Where the hell is my
Hougyoku Hokkushuu 2*? How can it disappear when I’m putting a poem in the thing every day?”
“Oh, I didn’t know you were still committed to your terrible haiku hobby.”
Most men would shrivel in fear upon hearing the roar of the Shinsegumi’s Demon Vice-Commander Hijikata Toshizou, but neither Okita Souji nor Oda Nobunaga got too distracted from their morning ice cream.
“The new flavor is carbonated red beans… What a sorry excuse for a product release…”
“Truly a flavor concept intended as a dropkick to the competition’s barbecue flavor! Would you trade a spoonful of yours for a spoonful of mine? This egg and bacon flavor is astonishingly astonishing.”
“How come both ice creams are death sentences? Nobbu, can’t you get normal food, at least for me?! I knew I shouldn’t have let you do the grocery.”
“You have no heart for adventure.”
The ridiculous ice cream flavor surprises have already become a part of the angelic girls’ daily routine. We don’t have enough page space to explain why the overlord of the Warring States Oda Nobunaga and the captain of the Shinsengumi’s First Squad, the tragic samurai Okita Souji are angelic-looking teenage girls.
Hijikata Toshizou intimidated the young girls with a menacing, merciless glare.
“You got no time for ice cream, Okita. Vice commander’s orders, help me find it.”
“Hey, commanding subordinates for personal affairs is not allowed… Can I finish my ice cream first? Melted ice cream never unmelts! Wasting food is wrong!”
“For all your whining about the carbonated beans, I see you actually enjoyed it.”
She had to eat all of her ice cream. And as usual, our day in the boiler room was about to become all a mess. Okita Souji threw her ice cream cup and disposable spoon in the trash can, stood up, and stretched.
“Actually, I didn’t even know you were still doing haiku, Hijikata! Don’t tell me… you’re trying to get an Alter or a Summer alt released as a Caster? Where’s your self-awareness? Male swimsuits are only costumes, remember? Just get a regular Saber alt, like Lancelot.”
“The fact you took 4 years to get your Summer alt is showing.”
“I’m not going for no alt.”
Hijikata Toshizou suddenly crossed his arms and stared into nowhere with mellow eyes.
“A warrior is more than just a fighter. Yagyuu Tajima and Miyamoto Musashi both wrote books, and Mori Nagayoshi holds tea ceremonies. A warrior’s heart is the same in the calm and in the conflict. If you can stake your life in what you do for leisure, you can stay relaxed on the battlefield, y’know.”
“Even as a Berserker?”
“That rowdy Hosokawa was supposedly quite the poet and yet he fought like a berserker.”
Oda Nobunaga put her finger to her forehead and started looking through the knowledge she gained from the Throne of Heroes.
“Uhhh, haiku… that is the poetry style where challengers compete with just three 5-7-5 verses, correct? The one spread for through all lands by the Ninja Master Matsuo Bashou, right?”
Okita Souji made a sorrowful face upon hearing this.
“Nobbu, sorry to break it to you, but Hijikata’s poems aren’t on such a high level…”
“Ah, Oda Nobunaga, wanna read one of my classics?”
Before she could stop him, Hijikata Toshizou took a piece of paper, effortlessly wrote a haiku, and handed it to her. She took a careful look at it.
Even if a plum
Tree gives flowers in full bloom
The plum’s still a plum
His most famous piece.
“I have no comment, for my art is Rock, not haiku… The ATSUMORI is all about the themes of rebellious souls and memento mori, not this.”
Hijikata Toshizou, seeing how Oda Nobunaga unnaturally averted her gaze, said:
“So the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven prefers the eccentric to the refined, huh.”
“Hijikata, sorry if this sounds rude, but I always admired your baseless confidence.”
The excessively composed Okita Souji voiced her complaint.
“A trait common to all Berserkers, no doubt… So, you say you lost your scrapboo… your unpublished collection?”
Oda Nobunaga tried to advance the conversation as best she could.
“Yeah, I added a poem to it last night and left it right here.”
Hijikata pointed to a low desk in the corner of the tea room: the desk Chacha uses to draw the scribbles she called “plans”. It was coated in pure gold, which made it look awful, but the entire room was already tastelessly golden, so one more piece of furniture didn’t make any real difference.
“Last night was when that enigmatic feast was held in the cafeteria, was it not? The opening night for the ServaFes, I reckon.”
“Someone must have taken it while we were at the feast.”
The Servants in Chaldea drank to celebrate the Master returning safely with another Grail, drank to welcome new Servants, drank to drown their sorrows of every Event... they were basically doing these feasts all the time.
“We were drinking as a group pretty much the whole time, so we can prove each other’s alibis.”
Okita Souji put her hand to her chin.
“The first thing we must consider is that the word salads Hijikata calls haiku are not worth the effort of stealing… Could this be the work of someone with a grudge against you? A crime of vengeance.”
“YOUR words are salad.”
Hijikata clicked his tongue. His eyes reflected his insecurities.
“I’m the Shinsengumi’s Demon Vice-Commander, it’s hard to imagine no one resents me.”
-
In that case, the first suspect was in the detective office next to the boiler room. To avoid a long and irrelevant exposition, we won’t be explaining why there’s a detective office in the last fortress of humanity.
During his lifetime, the outlaw samurai who deserted Tosa, Okada Izou, never directly encountered the Shinsengumi (keyword: directly) but they were, politically and ideologically, oil and water.
“I know we never had any serious historical conflict in here before, so this really feels a bit too random, but honestly, the only one who’d do this kind of pathetic childish harassment would be you, Daoka!”
“Be grateful for our kindness, we chose to investigate this place before we inspected the usual event masterminds: Caesar, David, Paracelsus, Amakusa Shirou and Moriarty.”
“T’hell with yer kindness! Ya curs came here t’milk on my popularity!”
“You think you’re special just because you sold some books to buy a prettier grave, outlaw? I’ll have you know that a new Shinsengumi-themed media gets released at least one season per year. You’re just a fad with no confirmed lasting power!”
“You think you are a match for the overlord of entertainment Oda Nobunaga? There is an abundance of Oda Nobunaga media without the Warring States, but no Warring States media without Oda Nobunaga.”
“What’re ya here for, pests!”
Okada Izou kept barking through the whole explanation.
“Haha, Hijikata’s poetry? I already usen as toilet paper, morons!”
Explaining himself would be easier, but the manslayer of Tosa preferred to laugh like a mad dog instead.
“Okada, you bastard!”
“Unforgivable, Daoka! I will have to sully my blade with your blood!”
“Wanna piece a’ me, Shinsengumi? Yer silly code says ta slit yer guts if ya think ya can take the blade for personal shit!”
The three stood ready, swords in hand. The office felt hotter than the boiler room, until…
“Sorry about that, Hijikata. Izou is just trying to act tough.”
The fight was interrupted by a couple in navy uniforms. They were Sakamoto Ryouma and his partner Oryou. We won’t be explaining why they call themselves detectives, this time not because it would be too long, but actually because we have no idea. Ryouma smiled, unintimidated by the room’s hostility, and behind him, Oryou spoke matter-of-factly.
“He’s what people are calling ‘tsundere’ nowadays.”
“Yer the tsundere, bitch! I ain’t going dere any time soon!”
“Ok, I’ll rephrase it. I meant ‘chuunibyou’.”
“Worse!”
“Do you have any proof?”
As the only person there with nothing to do with the Bakumatsu riots, Oda Nobunaga was completely apathetic. Sakamoto Ryouma laughed nervously.
“Yesterday evening, Yagyuu Tajima lectured Izou on his bad posture with the sword, leading to them fighting in the dojo. They went to drink afterwards, and it started a big party. Izou spent the whole night with Yagyuu and Li Shuwen, so I don’t think he had an opportunity to steal your anthology. You should be able to cross-check my claim with Mori Nagayoshi.”
“Yesterday’s feast was because of Okada?! It was not about the ServaFes to any degree?!”
“Yeah, if I recall right, a lot of people didn’t come to the party because the ServaFes deadline is so close.”
“You say the ones who truly cared about the ServaFes were absent from what I assumed to be the ServaFes party?!”
With that, Hijikata relaxed, sheathed and unhanded his sword, and dropped his stance.
“Okada and Sakamoto, I still don’t trust either of you, but I can’t suspect Yagyuu Tajima, the Baji Quan geezer or Oni Musashi.”
Okita Souji also sheathed her sword and pointed at Okada.
“Daoka, I hope you learned something from all those lectures!”
“Shaddap!”
Okada’s face was red from ear to ear and it stayed like that.
“Your allegation was flawed from the moment you suggested Servants go to the toilet. Despite your edgy façade and thuggish exterior, you have quite the salesman spirit.”
“Yeah, Izou is finally learning how to behave in public.”
“Why ya lookin’ so motherly, Ryoumaa!”
“If it wasn’t a crime of vengeance, then what could it have been…”
After becoming convinced of the suspect’s innocence, Okita tilted her head.
“The question still remains, what’s the point of stealing Hijikita’s seemingly worthless poems?”
“Hey, Okita, c’mere for a sec.”
Hijikata Toshizou was intimidating, but Oda Nobunaga was still there next to her, yawning.
“Could it be that a kid Servant took it for a scribble book? Or perhaps the opposite, someone mistaking it for a decent book returned it to the grand library?”
“They wouldn’t need to mistake it for shit, it IS a decent book, it’s just incomplete.”
Hijikata paused to think about what he was told.
“The grand library… the one with Murasaki Shikibu.”
He remembered the most famous literary woman of the Heian era.
Leaving the office, he immediately turned the other way, returning to the boiler room.
“I’ll just change these clothes real quick.”
“Who’re you trying to dress up for?!”