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Thread: Not the Intended Use – Misadventures With Magecraft

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    Hey, I ain’t no lizard! Draconic's Avatar
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    Post Not the Intended Use – Misadventures With Magecraft

    Summary: What happens when you play with magecraft carelessly? Probably not this, but it's happening anyway.

    Genre: Humor
    Not The Intended Use
    or
    Misadventures With Magecraft
    (And Other Supernatural Powers)



    Disaster 1:
    Using Reinforcement Magic on Your Cock
    In which Shirou uses reinforcement on an actual chicken



    ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– –––––


    Shirou didn’t know where it had come from.

    It had shown up that morning out of nowhere.

    He had no idea how it managed to get inside, or why it even wanted to be here. In fact, there wasn’t even any way it could have gotten inside, unless it had somehow learned to fly.

    There was a chicken wandering about his house.

    He had spent the last half-hour trying to shoo it outside, but it was incredibly stubborn. Both his and Sakura’s continuous efforts had failed to remove it, and it had actually bitten her. No question about it, this chicken was a nasty piece of work. Like if someone had transformed Shinji Matou into a fowl, this vicious soon-to-be-poultry would be him. But dirtier.

    He had forbidden Rin from using magecraft on it to avoid damaging the house, but he was beginning to reconsider whether that had been a wise choice. The mangy bird was scratching up the floorboards something terrible. So much so that he was beginning to think he might have preferred having scorch marks all over the wall. Fortunately, he and the two girls weren’t alone.

    “Saber, it’s coming your way! Catch it!”

    Even the mightiest of chickens could not overcome a Heroic Spirit. It tried to run, but Saber was faster and defter. Thus did King Arthur triumph over a small feathery animal. She carried it outside.

    “Shall I toss it outside or is right here fine?” she asked. The chicken bit her fingers savagely, but she didn’t pay any attention and simply materialized her gauntlets to ensure it couldn’t try again.

    Tohsaka answered first.

    “Outside. Let’s do this the right way.”

    “Very well,” Saber nodded. Shirou opened the front door while Saber kept a tight grip on the struggling bird.

    She tossed it away, none too gently, but not hard enough to injure it. It would probably get run over by a passing car anyhow, but this was a bad chicken. She didn’t need to care.

    “Is everyone okay?” asked Sakura.

    “A bit frustrated, but otherwise, I’m fine,” said Tohsaka. “Thank you, Sakura.”

    She knew how Rin felt: She had just swept up, and now there were filthy white feathers everywhere. That bird was crazy inconsiderate.

    “It is almost lunchtime, is it not?” Saber asked, trying not to sound too eager.

    “Yeah, you’re right,” Shirou nodded. “I’ll start preparing something.”

    “Thank you, Shirou.”

    Unfortunately, things were not fated to go smoothly that evening.

    “Senpai, I’m sorry,” Sakura whimpered, “I know I was supposed to bring some groceries with me today, but I lost the money you gave me.”

    The truth was that Shinji had just stolen it from her, but she didn’t want to worry Shirou. Everything would be fine, just like it always was.

    “It’s okay, I’ll just run out and get something. I’ll be back in half-an—”

    His eyes gravitated to the floor between him and the girls. He blinked.

    There stood the violently obnoxious bird.

    “Bawk!” it clucked. The four residents couldn’t help but feel like it was mocking them.

    Shirou picked it up by its neck and threw it back out the door, slamming it shut when the bird tried to get back in.

    “Why is it so fixated on getting in here anyway?” Sakura asked.

    “I have no idea, but in the meantime, I’m going to see if reinforcement magic can remove the scratches in the floorboards.”

    “Spoiler alert,” drawled Tohsaka, “it won’t.”

    Her comment earned her cold stares from the two other human residents.

    “What?! I can fix it myself! Just give me a few minutes, I’ll think of something!”

    The chicken clucked at her disdainfully.

    Shirou nodded as though he could understand it.

    “It’s got a point you knowait, how the hell did it get back in here?!

    “Is that a rhetorical question, Shirou?” asked Tohsaka. “Because if it’s not, I got nothing.”

    “It hasn’t even been a whole minute since you threw it outside!” Sakura gasped.

    In a quick burst of movement, Rin pinned the chicken against the wall. Then when she had gotten a proper grip on it, she strode out the front door, and reinforced her throwing arm. The fowl soared off into the distance. Perhaps one day there would be legends of an amazing flying chicken in Fuyuki. And if one were to see it shooting across the sky it would…actually, no that joke would be in considerably bad taste considering how many people had died in this city to attain just that.

    “Okay, it won’t be coming ba-a-a-a…” she trailed off.

    There in the front hallway, in front of a stupefied Shirou, Saber and Sakura, stood the chicken, peering up at her with a smug glint in its eye.

    “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?!” she roared, “Is this chicken a god?! Is that what this is?! Deus Ex Kotópoulona?! Kami no Niwatori?! Advent Chicken?! Eliyl Hatarnegol?!

    “I don’t know, but moments after you threw it, we looked down at the floor and there it was,” Shirou muttered. “And off topic, exactly how many languages do you speak?”

    “Four fluently, and seven partial.”

    “You have my sincerest apologies,” Saber looked away in obvious embarrassment. “I failed to notice it…rematerialize…or however it managed to return here.”

    Rin thought for a moment then realized that they weren’t the only witnesses.

    “Archer!” she called, “Did you by any chance observe how it got back inside?”

    The red servant materialized atop the roof, looking down at her from his seated position.

    “I’m afraid not, I’ve been keeping an eye on Lancer. He’s been watching us for far too long for it to be simple reconnaissance.”

    “Nope, that’s really all it is,” grumbled the Hound of Ulster, materializing beside his rival. “I think my Master just does it to bother me. Knows I’d rather be fighting something. Watching and waiting really isn’t my style.”

    “Okay, I’ll admit I’m kind of creeped out that he’s been spying on us, but I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Does that mean that you saw how the chicken got back inside?”

    “I saw some sort of bird get launched halfway across town, but I wasn’t really in the right spot to look through your front door. Sorry kid. Now if you don’t mind, I really shouldn’t have shown myself in the first place, so I’d better get back to work before my Master gets all pissy about it.”

    Lancer astralized, and that was that. No one knew how it happened.

    “You know, we can’t rule out the possibility that this thing could be a god,” Sakura noted, clutching at her skirt uncomfortably, “I mean, what if this is the Rooster of the Zodiak?”

    “That makes it a spirit, not a god. Which is better, but still scary. Of course, the Rooster is supposed to be a noble animal, not a rambunctious houseguest. And if that really is its true nature, why in the world is it here of all places?”

    “Why not ask it yourself and see if it answers?” Archer suggested, wearing a self-satisfied smirk that Rin had learned to associate with his lousy sense of humor.

    “Not even.”

    “So if forced removal won’t work, I suppose we’ll…” Shirou trailed off.

    Saber and Sakura both cast worried looks at his somewhat disturbed expression.

    “Senpai?” Sakura asked.

    “We might have to kill it.”

    Ba-bawk?!” the chicken protested.

    Sakura sucked in a terrified gasp, while Archer and Rin just raised their eyebrows. Saber didn’t seem particularly phased by the suggestion. Then again, she was born in a time when people slaughtered their livestock within scant kilometers of where someone would eat it.

    “Perhaps we can use this bird?” she suggested. “It’s almost suppertime and we have nothing on hand.”

    Shirou did not like where this was going.

    “Are you suggesting…?”

    “It is edible, is it not?” she asked, her stern tone perhaps inappropriate considering what she was advocating.

    “I suppose that… could work.” Shirou said uncomfortably. “But, I really could just go out and buy something.”

    “That would take a fair bit of time,” Saber said, downcast.

    Shirou sighed.

    “Look, I-I guess I’m okay with it if you are, Saber, but…maybe we should put it to a vote?”

    “That seems fair,” Saber agreed with a sigh.

    BUCKAW?!” squawked the chicken.

    “All in favor of using this jerk for dinner?”

    Unsurprisingly, Saber raised her hand.

    Rin and Sakura both gave her a look.

    Only he and Saber had voted in favor. Sakura had vehemently looked away, and behind the equally unenthused Rin, Archer was doing his best not to laugh.

    And of course, the poultry in question was scurrying to-and-fro in the most irritating manner.

    His best evidently wasn’t quite good enough, and Rin shot him a soul-crushing stink-eye as she heard him snickering.

    And then, with a devious smirk, he also raised his hand, much to his Master’s dismay as well as her estranged sister’s.

    “Well, that settles that,” groused Tohsaka, adding a promise of pain and misery to her death glare, still directed at Archer.

    Shirou was too busy sighing in resignation to notice. He was really counting on there being a stalemate. He hadn’t even considered that Archer might join the group. Or that Tohsaka would allow it. He was her Servant, and she could just say his vote didn’t count, but if she hadn’t he supposed she must have had a reason.

    He really, really hoped she hadn’t just forgotten in the heat of the moment.

    “So, how are we going to do this?” he asked.

    “Well, you told me that reinforcement magic doesn’t simply make things stronger,” said Saber, “but rather, better at their intended purpose. Would that make a chicken taste better as well?”

    “I… don’t think it works that way Saber. I mean, maybe, once certain conditions are met, I guess… I suppose it’s worth a shot. But that didn’t really answer my question, do we slaughter it first or—”

    BUCKAW! BUCK-BA—

    —SMACK!—


    And the chicken fell to the floor dead, it’s neck having snapped as Archer caught it and backhanded it across the head.

    “That’s…one way of doing it…” he said.

    He was at least glad that there wouldn’t be any blood to clean up. Sakura seemed relieved on that front as well.

    “So, might we test my theory?” Saber asked, maybe a little too eagerly.

    “Okay, okay, I’ll do it.

    He supposed that he’d have to do this one way or another. He could do it, he was sure of that much. After all, it was just a chicken, and he’d been getting a lot better at using magecraft over the past week.

    “Ooh, so you’re going to use reinforcement magic on your cock?” Tohsaka put a hand over her mouth, not quite hiding the mischievous grin beneath it. “Kinky, Shirou. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

    The other three residents just stared at her, and Archer went back to snickering. She allowed it this time.

    “Did you have to make it weird?” Shirou finally asked, looking as uncomfortable as ever.

    “It was rather crude,” Saber agreed.

    Sakura didn’t say anything, too busy trying to hide her face which was so red that she swore her ears must have been giving off steam.

    “And since when is this thing my chicken?” Shirou protested, looking at the
    no more, ceased to be, expired and gone to meet its maker, bereft of life, it rests in peace
    recently deceased poultry
    .

    “Well, it did seem pretty intent on staying in your house, Senpai.”

    “Look, just let me do this,” grumbled Shirou.

    Kneeling down beside the
    off the twig, kicked the bucket, shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisibule
    ex-chicken
    , he closed his eyes and focused.

    “Trace On…”

    He could see the chicken in his mind, inside and out. He could see the experiences that had brought the chicken to where it was, though not in enough detail to determine whether or not it was a god or spirit of some sort. He could feel the sweat beading on his forehead. He began strengthening it, slowly at first, then progressing as he further familiarized himself with its body structure. Almost done. Then a sharp pain ran up his spine. Dammit not yet! Just…a…few…more…

    —SPLAT—

    EEEEK!


    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


    “Okay, so that could…probably have gone better,” Shirou admitted as he continued cleaning up the gory mess in the hallway.

    “Oh, ya think?” Rin snarled. She was covered, as he was, in blood and former chicken…stuff.

    Sakura was in the bath closet with Saber, who was keeping her grounded as best she could while helping her clean up. Getting covered in chicken blood was bad enough, but Sakura had issues of her own. She hadn’t told them what they were, but it had become quite clear lately that something was always bothering her. And her shriek when the chicken exploded was positively bloodcurdling.

    In retrospect, he should have done it in the courtyard where he could have just rinsed away a mess with a hose if something had gone wrong. Which was exactly what happened. As if there could have been any other result. He should have known it was a bad idea.

    “Do you have any idea where Archer went, by the way?” Shirou muttered, “Couldn’t he be helping us with this?”

    Rin paused. She didn’t actually know the answer to that question. Archer had astralized a little while ago and hadn’t reappeared. She had assumed that he was continuing his vigil atop the roof, but when she called for him, he didn’t answer her.

    “Erm, Tohsaka, you can clean yourself off now,” Sakura said, walking up to the patch of wall they were cleaning. “I can take your place here.”

    “Ugh, thank god, I can get the gore off. Thank you, Sakura.”

    “Um, you’re welcome!” Sakura yelped. Was she not expecting to be shown common courtesy or something?

    Sakura took Tohsaka’s thoroughly reddened washcloth, and seeing that it was only going to spread the mess around if used for much longer, she opted to throw it out and fetch a new one. She had barely returned to chicken ground zero when Rin squealed like a frightened possum (not that any of the house’s residents knew what a frightened opossum sounded like).

    “For god’s sake, warn me if you’re undressing, Saber!”

    Oh right, she was also in the chicken meat splash zone. It would only make sense for her to clean herself up afterwards. Sakura realized this only after hearing Rin shout.

    Rin cleaned herself off fairly quickly and she and Saber both left the bath closet around the same time. Shirou was immediately suspicious of Rin. The lascivious way she was eyeing his Servant was all too noticeable. Sometimes, he just had no idea why he had a soft spot for this girl. She had to have at least one sixteenth of Satan’s genetic material. Or at least be possessed part-time.

    She went to fetch herself and Saber some cleaning implements of their own from the kitchen, and moments after she had disappeared around the corner, they all heard a cry of outrage from elsewhere in the house.

    Then she came back, not bearing washcloths or a mop, but instead dragging a disgruntled Archer behind her by the collar. And she was not happy. Not even a little. Her eyes were like a pair off blazing infernos raging in their sockets. Shirou was glad that he wasn’t the target of her rage, because that look most certainly could kill, and he was sure that the only reason Archer hadn’t immediately disintegrated was because he was a Heroic Spirit.

    “What. The hell. Is that?” she demanded, her voice soft but unprecedentedly furious as she pointed at the object in the Servant’s hands.

    “Oh dear,” Saber grimaced.

    Shirou and Sakura both gaped. After all that frustration, why would he have gone off and done something like this?

    It was white.

    It was feathery.

    It was looking around skittishly like a spastic meerkat.

    It was another chicken.

    “Why?” someone whispered.

    “Why would you do this?” Sakura asked again, her voice almost devoid of emotion, sounding very much like the recently traumatized girl she was. Well, more traumatized than usual.

    Well, now he’d gone and done it. He’d upset his former kouhai.

    “Look, I merely thought we could afford to try this again,” he said hiding his mischievous intent with impressive proficiency such that only his intended target could sense it. Turning to Shirou, he added, “Maybe try it out while it’s still alive and can resist your abilities long enough for you to finish working on it.”

    …No, Shirou decided, he would not buy this sketchy, scruffy man’s product.

    “Better idea; why don’t you just do it this time,” he grumbled, “You’re better at it than I am, and we both know it.”

    His future self blinked. He had to admit, he’d been too focused on having fun with this incident, and hadn’t thought to make any countermeasures in case his target refused. He wasn’t going to win this. After all, if he refused, his own Master would get on his case for attempting to add more problems to the list they were already tackling, and he admittedly didn’t want to upset Saber, or Sakura either.

    “Fine, if you insist.”

    He placed the chicken on the ground and started the process.

    “Trace On…”

    Like Shirou, he could see the chicken in his mind, inside and out. Better, in fact, considering he had much more experience using magecraft.

    “My hair’s still wet,” said Rin. “Just saying.

    “Incidentally, if this bird explodes I’m going to set you on fire and use a command seal to force you to stand perfectly still.”

    “…Isn’t that…just a little extreme?” Sakura protested.

    “Enh, I’m in a bad mood. It’s Shirou’s fault, but Archer is technically Shirou too, so… yeah, I’m sure you get the picture.”

    “I…guess?”

    Closer to the ground, Archer was still at work. He could see the experiences that had brought the chicken to where it was, though since this was an ordinary chicken, there really wasn’t much to see. He began strengthening it, and unlike his past self’s attempt, things went smoothly.

    And then, something happened that he could never have possibly foreseen.

    It started changing.

    The chicken grew.

    It grew, and it grew, and it grew. Archer cut his spell off, but it was far too late to stop the transformation from happening.

    Its bones began to shift and most of its feathers retreated into its body, leaving behind a largely scaly, leathery hide. With a sound of cracking bone, it’s wings, no longer digitless, but still somewhat feathery, changed position, and its beak became a muzzle.

    Archer’s chicken now stood before them, but it most certainly wasn’t a chicken anymore.

    “What manner of dragon is this?!” Saber gasped, Excalibur materializing in her hands.

    Standing a good meter taller than them, and growling curiously, was a tyrannosaur. Shirou couldn’t tell which one, but he put his money on tarbosaurus. That one was found in Japan after all.

    “Well, uh…that’s… interesting,” Archer said. “I suppose… it was determined that the chicken is a direct descendant of the tyrannosaurus. I’ll admit though, I wasn’t expecting that my reinforcement magic would reactivate dormant genes…”

    I don’t give a flying fuck what you were expecting!” Tohsaka screamed, “Kill it before it eats us!

    It stared directly at them, sniffing at the humans that must have looked like food to it now.

    “Vision is not based on movement,” Shirou noted, barely staving off panic. “Good to know…”

    “I’m not sure it’s actually that dangerous right now,” Archer noted, “It’s primarily a scavenger. It might not even be—”

    The dinosaur roared, its jaws bearing down on the red-clad servant. He dodged out of the way just in time.

    “—hungry,” he finished, “So much for that…” he slowly turned his head to look at Rin. “Master, you have my sincerest apologies. I should have known better than to let this get so out of hand and I’ll admit that I bear the full responsibility for causing this particular incident.”

    That was all he had time for. The tarbosaurus had already started moving by the time he had finished talking and proceeded to chase the group around the courtyard, snapping at them only to have its teeth turned away by the Servants’ timely defense.

    And yet, as he ran, Shirou found that the first thought on his mind wasn’t, ‘Oh god, I’m going to die.’

    It was, ‘How in the world am I going to explain this to Fuji-nee?’

    Oh, hell, Shirou really hoped that the other residents of the neighborhood didn’t come to investigate the strange loud noises either.

    After all, there was a motherfucking t-rex, or something that looked and behaved very much like one, in his house.

    At least, Shirou assumed it behaved like one. What did he know of the behavior of Mesozoic fauna? He wasn’t a palaeontologist.

    “Can’t we just hide inside the house?!” shouted Tohsaka.

    “If we do that, there won’t be a house to hide in within the space of five minutes, and we’d also be putting Sakura in danger! I won’t do that!”

    She just snarled in response.

    Perhaps the most irritating thing about the dinosaur was how irrationally persistent it was. Saber and Archer would slash at it repeatedly, and it just kept coming! Only Saber was actually making any substantial progress, and even then, her sword was only doing superficial damage to it, with Kanshou and Bakuya proving to be little more than minor distractions, to Archer’s great chagrin. He wasn’t going to expend next to all his mana here to use his Noble Phantasm here against a large animal throwing a temper tantrum, and unleashing Excalibur in the enclosed courtyard would likely destroy the house.

    It roared as Saber struck it across the face, knocking Archer aside with its tail even as it recoiled.

    They weren’t making any headway. If things continued as they were, they would be resigning themselves to a very long fight.

    How long? Well…



    ---One hour later---



    “Why won’t it just give up?!” Rin whined.

    “I don’t know? Maybe it’ll tell you if you ask politely?” Shirou shot back.

    “Oh, ha, ha, that was so funny I forgot to laugh,” Rin snarked. “If you don’t have anything useful to say then just shut up!”

    Over the past hour, she had expended all the jewels she had on her person, and fired enough Gandr shots at it to kill an entire herd of rhinos. On steroids. It was only natural that she was feeling a little worse for wear.

    They found themselves backed up against the exterior wall between the guest rooms and the storage shed. It wasn’t the first time. Saber and Archer would manage to get them out of this like they had the last four times, but that didn’t make the feeling of being pinned any less frightening.

    “Oh, for crying out loud, why won’t it just die?” she moaned.

    Saber landed a solid slash to the tyrannosaur’s flank, leaving a deep cut. One of many.

    “Shirou, Rin, move now!” she called.

    They followed her instructions as quickly as they could. And like always, it just kept coming.

    Shirou had to wonder, why wasn’t it targeting the things that were hurting it? Maybe it just knew a losing battle when it saw one and realized that he and Rin were easier prey, even if they were still hard to get at.

    “Oh, for heaven’s sake, can someone just kill this thing already. I don’t care which of you it is, just finish this thing off!”

    As though answering her, someone shouted out two words. She never thought she’d be glad to hear someone shouting the name of a Noble Phantasm that unfailingly kills its target.

    “Gáe… Bolg!”

    A red comet streaked down upon them and with a flash of light, it tore right through the dinosaur’s thick hide, going clear through its body and reducing its heart to a few strands of shredded muscle.

    The tarbosaurus fell forward and breathed no more.

    “Close call, but my Master finally decided that it was okay if I saved your sorry asses.”

    “Whoever your Master is, ask them why they couldn’t have decided on that an hour ago!” Rin snapped.

    “Not my place to question orders, unfortunately. I mean it; it bugs me as much as it bugs you. And now, if you don’t mind, they’re also telling me I shouldn’t talk to you anymore. So long, lassy.”

    He leapt away, dematerializing as he landed on the roof.

    Saber was at Shirou’s side in an instant.

    “Are you alright master?”

    “About as fine as I can be. Now my only problem is how the hell am I going to get rid of a tyrannosaur without anyone finding out about it?”

    “Don’t count on the Mages Association. They’ll just demand to know how you made it and maybe give us all sealing designations,” Tohsaka muttered. “And I don’t think this is the kind of thing the Church handles.”

    They stood in silence for a moment. Then…

    “Shirou, a question, if I may?”

    “Of course, Saber, you don’t need to ask permission.”

    “Thank you, Shirou. Archer said that this beast was the ancestor of today’s chickens…” she began.

    “…yeeesss?” Shirou answered slowly.

    “Would that not simply make this beast a much larger chicken from ages past?”

    “………”

    Shirou did not like where this was going.


    ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– –––––


    Author’s Note: This just in! I’m a bad person, and this story proves it. Well, that isn’t exactly news, but I did many bad things in this story.

    We will presently recite all (see: most) crimes committed herein by the fool known as Draconic:


    • Referencing ‘T-Rex’s-vision-is-based-on-movement.’
    • Not utilizing Sakura to her fullest potential.
    • Archer Ex Machina.
    • Lancer Ex Machina.
    • Rooster Ex Machina.
    • Tooting my own horn by using one of my own Cards Against the Nasuverse cards as a story prompt.
    • And directly plagiarizing Dead Parrot—deceased, bereft of life, expired and gone to meet its maker, an ex-parrot, more commonly known as the ‘Parrot Sketch,’ by the Pythons. Virtually word for word.


    Actually, I probably could use more of my cards as story prompts… And I do think that this story turned out pretty well, all things considered. So the next story will once again be based on a card.


    (Five years later)

    Actually, no it won't be. This story — and its author's note — were written five years ago, and as such, I had only just scratched the surface of Nasuverse lore when I wrote this. Why am I only posting it now? Because I wanted to make an incredibly cheap gag in the third chapter that I'm sure no one will find funny. But I wanted to do it anyway, and I've been stuck on the second chapter for five years.

    You're probably thinking, 'that doesn't explain anything! Make sense!'

    In response to that, I can only say this:

    I refuse.

    You might also say 'You still haven't written the third chapter, and yet you're only posting now because you wanted to use a certain gag in it? That makes no sense! Is it somehow time-limited?'

    Well, no, not really… I'm just dim. And the truth is that I wrote two short stories, got stuck on the third, and I wanted to use the third as Ch. 2 because I thought that the story I wrote second would work a lot better as the third chapter than as the second. Anyway, I've bored you out of your skulls, so I'll be going now.
    Last edited by Draconic; September 12th, 2020 at 02:22 PM.

  2. #2
    Hey, I ain’t no lizard! Draconic's Avatar
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    Foreword: I’m afraid that this is just another Carnival Phantasm, not proper Tsukihime content. I hope that one day you’ll find it in your hearts to forgive me.


    Debacle 2: No, Seriously, What is Fifth Magic?
    In which, among other things, Aoko uses Fifth Magic, and Stuff™ happens


    Aoko had no idea why she agreed to go camping with Shiki and most of his harem. She wanted no part in this. Here she had a boy with supernatural powers surrounded by a vampire, a Burial Agent, a half-demon with a brother complex, and two maids who were both equally crazy albeit in completely different ways. And as for herself, she just made things explode, including herself… sort of. She had no idea how they were all going to get through two nights of this without having to dispose of at least one body.

    If they were lucky, it’d just be the Dead Apostle Ancestor and by the following week, no harm will have been done. In the meantime however…

    “Does anyone else find it kind of chilly?” asked Kohaku.

    Akiha shot a stink eye her way.

    “Great. Now that you’ve mentioned it, I’m starting to feel it all of a sudden!” she complained. Aoko actually felt the same, but she didn’t feel the need to voice it. Instead, she just solved her problem the only way she knew how. By evoking supremely destructive energy. Or in layman’s terms, she made the air around her body start exploding. It solved her heat problem. Unfortunately, now everyone was staring at her.

    “What? This is what I do.”

    Hisui stared.

    “Show off…” Akiha grumbled. Suddenly, her expression brightened. “Oh wait! I can do one better! Big Brother, please insult me.”

    Shiki looked about ready to run for his life, as did Ciel and Arcueid, despite both of their respective forms of near-invulnerability. It wasn’t surprising: Akiha was a menace when she was moody, to say nothing of her behavior when she actually lost her temper.

    “He told me yesterday that he thinks you’re flat as an ironing board,” Kohaku said brightly, well before Shiki could come up with a plan. The color immediately drained from his face, and Arcueid, Ciel and Aoko probably didn’t look much better. Akiha however looked ready to murder something. Her hair was billowing about in an absent breeze.

    “I-I swear, I never said anything like that!”

    “Shiki! Your sister has a scary look in her eyes!” Arcueid stammered. “Like she’s preparing to devour the souls of the damned!”

    “I’m not even going to bother with any of the obvious snarky responses to that, why would you say that, Kohaku?!” Ciel screamed. “She could kill us all just for bringing that topic up!”

    “I thought it would be an exciting experience,” Kohaku answered with a disconcertingly cheerful smile. “Also…”

    Akiha’s hair finally turned blood red and burst into flame.

    “Ah, that’s nice and toasty,” Kohaku finished.

    You could have just lit a campfire you nutcase!” Ciel snapped. “Come on, Akiha, you know deep in your heart that she’s lying!”

    NO, I DON’T!” Akiha roared. Her hair quickly extended, snatched Shiki off the log he was sitting on—or rather, about to escape from—and started slamming him into the ground repeatedly. She was looking warmer though, as was Kohaku, if one could draw any positives from the situation.

    “Are you feeling warmer, Master Akiha?” Kohaku asked, and her tone would have fooled anyone just joining the conversation into thinking that she was a perfectly normal and demure maid.

    Well, maybe not anyone. It was pretty hard not to notice that there was a girl with flaming hair ferociously smashing a (seemingly) hapless boy with glasses into the dirt next to the conspicuously cold fire pit.

    “Yes, as a matter of fact I am,” Akiha nodded, still scowling. She whacked Shiki against the forest floor one last time before putting him down, much to his cautious relief. She continued glowering at him but didn’t actually make another move at him, simply watching him as her hair blazed around her.

    “Shiki!”

    “You okay?”

    Arcueid and Ciel both hurried over to him.

    Hisui stared at him enigmatically.

    “Y-Yeah…” he nodded, taking Arcueid’s offered hand to sit up.

    “Ow,” he moaned.

    “What hurts?” Ciel asked.

    “You should be asking what doesn’t,” Shiki grumbled.

    “That bad, huh?”

    “I can see a few cuts. I’ll get those patched up,” Ciel said, digging through her knapsack and pulling out a portable first-aid kit. She proceeded to start wrapping bandages around a number of visible injuries. He’d need to see a proper doctor later, but this would do for now. Meanwhile, Shiki watched as blue flames swirled around his Master.

    “I know I’ve asked this before, but don’t you have any idea about what Fifth Magic is supposed to do?” he asked.

    “Honestly, who cares? All I can do is shoot things with an insane amount of energy. Doesn’t really matter that much. Even if it does anything else, I wouldn’t know.”

    “What if we minimized your power output?” Kohaku suggested.

    “Uh, why?”

    “Well, maybe your spells explode because they’re just overloaded,” the maid elaborated.

    “And exactly how would I be able to tell?”

    “I dunno. But I could test it. I can concoct something on the spot. Give me a few leaves, ten minutes, and I’ll have you a powerful sedative that also prevents the dosed subject from losing consciousness.”

    “That sounds way too sketchy,” Shiki protested.

    “You’re one to talk,” Ciel chided.

    “You’d have a point, except I’ve never drugged anyone!

    Aoko pondered a moment while Hisui stared blankly at her.

    “Ehhh, I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” she decided.

    “Couldn’t hurt?! With all due respect, Sensei, have you completely lost it?! Kohaku basically said that she was going to experiment on you!”

    “What’s the worst that could happen?”

    “Oh, I don’t know, unwanted cybernetic implants, lapses in memory, circular vomiting—“

    “What the hell does that even mean?”

    “I don’t know, but Kohaku told me it was a potential side effect of something she spiked my coffee with one morning. Ask her.”

    “Maid, what’s circular vomiting?”

    “I dunno,” Kohaku titled her head to the side.

    “Wonderful. Anything else, kid?” she asked, watching as her apparent apathy visibly drove Shiki crazy.

    “Meatsplosions…?”

    “That’s the stage name of my favourite male porn star,” Aoko said shamelessly.

    Shiki threw his arms up in defeat. “You know what? Fine! If you really don’t have any sense of self preservation, go ahead and let her use you as a guinea pig. See if I care…”

    He stomped off, leaving the campground, quickly followed by Arcueid and Ciel.

    “You know that by saying that, you’re implying that you actually care a lot,” said the Burial Agent as they walked away.

    “Yeah, yeah.”

    Hisui stared, her eyes empty blue canvases of fantastical mystery.


    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


    Kohaku wasn’t kidding. She had asked for some common, garden variety plants and a few weeds, and when Hisui brought them back, she had something ready before another ten minutes were up.

    But looking at the strange concoction that the eccentric maid had brewed up, Aoko was having second thoughts. All those leaves had been green, so why in the world had they turned a rusty red color after being ground up with a mortar and pestle? Wait, no that was the wrong question. It was more appropriate to ask how that had happened. And come to think of it, why did Kohaku just happen to have a mortar and pestle in her camping gear? Granted, her stuff was in a mechanical suitcase that she operated with some sort of remote control, but that was beside the point.

    On the other hand, as she had said earlier, what was the worst that could happen?

    “Before you drink that,” Kohaku said matter-of-factly, “I feel obligated to warn you that potential side-effects include but are not limited to drowsiness, loss of balance, low-blood pressure, nausea, battle frenzy, headache, delusions, collusions, puzzles, and schlick failure.”

    “Okay wait, some of those were seriously—”

    “Bottoms up!” Kohaku chirped, tilting the bowl back and pouring the mixture down Aoko’s throat. She immediately started choking, spitting out at least half of the almost certainly toxic substance.

    Hisui stared dispassionately.

    “Ugh, that tasted like horse f— whoa!” she yelped as she toppled over. She frowned. Rolling her eyes. “So, loss of balance; check.”

    Kohaku pulled a notepad out of her kimono and jotted something down.

    “Oh hell, I’m actually starting to feel tired.”

    Kohaku giggled. “Wow, that was fast!” she murmured under her breath. “She’s all ready for you, Shiki!” Kohaku called.

    They heard a voice cry out in the distance, followed by a rhythmic thunking sound; the easily mistakable sound of someone banging their head against a nearby tree.

    “I regret everything!” Aoko groaned. “Every life choice that led me to this singular moment has been the wrong one.” She resolved to put the fear of God into the maid once she was a fully armed and operational battle station again. Wait…

    No, seemed about right.

    Still, what were the chances of her experiencing more than one side effect? Besides, there wasn’t a lot that could hurt her: She was a motherfucking sorcerer! There weren’t a lot of those.

    She shook her head. Okay, delusions too. Great. She decided not to tell Kohaku. Spiteful, yes, also unsafe, but it made her feel just a little bit better.

    “Ugh, I can barely bring myself to move,” she muttered.

    “I can see that. Any other effects that you can recognize?” she asked. Aoko shook her head groggily.

    “Alright then, let’s get to business,” Kohaku said. Try shooting something,” she looked around, considering what would be a good target. “How about that tree over there? The one standing on its own?” she suggested, pointing.

    Aoko rolled her eyes, but forced herself to raise her arm and use her innate abilities. She fired off a single short-range cannon force shot.

    The usual glyphs formed in the air in front of her, but the result was…

    Well, it wasn’t what she was expecting. A glowing blue line now extended from her arm to the tree she had shot.

    “Hmm… well how about that…” Kohaku nodded with interest.

    “Hmm. This is exciting,” Hisui agreed in her usual monotone.

    “So, now what?”

    “I dunno,” Kohaku shrugged, “do what seems natural, I guess?”

    ‘Well, that was helpful. Note to self (if you even remember any of this by tomorrow morning), Kohaku is useless. USELESS!

    She followed the maid’s advice anyway and attempted to pull on the glowing line.

    She immediately careened into the tree as though she’d been swiftly reeled in on a fishing line, smacking her head against a branch and falling flat on her back.

    “Sensei!” Shiki hurried away from his tree at the edge of the campground and ran to his master’s side, helping her sit up. “You alright?”

    “Just peachy…” she growled. “Sorry for not listening to you earlier. I’ll be sure to take her weirdness more seriously next time.”

    She looked around and focused on a large rock, insomuch as she could focus while feeling tired and suffering from minor head trauma.

    “I’ve come this far though. Might as well keep testing. That was weird.”

    “Probably just a one-time occurrence,” Shiki added hopefully.

    “In regards to catapulting me into a tree? Definitely. Something else might be okay though.”

    “That’s the spirit! Let’s do it!” Kohaku shouted. Her sister clapped gleefully. Though it was impossible to tell. Her eyes were as blank and unreadable as they always were. Which was very blank and unreadable. Shiki genuinely expected that he wouldn’t have been able to see her lines of death had they been over her eyes. “So what should we try next?”

    “How about my ignition?” Aoko yawned. For a moment Kohaku was replaced by an excited-looking badminton racket. Hallucination? Possibly, but it was equally possible that she was just dreaming with her eyes open. It wasn’t unheard of. Kohaku went back to normal and Aoko realized she had been asking her something.

    “Sorry, I spaced out. Can you repeat that?”

    “I was just asking what you were waiting for,” Kohaku shrugged.

    “Oh, nothing, probably. You turned into a badminton racket for a second there, so it’s probably just another effect of whatever you’ve poisoned me with.”

    “Hmmm… Yeah, probably.”

    You didn’t even deny it!” cried Shiki.

    Aoko ignored this, took a deep breath, and managed to steady herself on one knee, but couldn’t climb to her feet.

    “Okay, let’s try this,” she said with as much gusto as possible, resulting in a rather pitiful showing. Moments later however, she used the same ability she’d used to warm herself up. All of a sudden, the air around her was wavering despite no heat being projected.

    Kohaku nodded, jotting down some more notes, and Aoko had the sudden urge to vaporize that damn notepad. She pointed at Kohaku’s hands and caused the air around the maid’s notepad to spontaneously combust.

    Except it didn’t, and instead Kohaku dropped it, the pad of paper hitting the ground with a thud that Aoko could feel all the from where she was crouching.

    “What the—Miss Aozaki, can you please reduce the weight of my notepad? I can’t carry it like this.”

    “Dunno how to reverse it, I jus’ wann’ed to burn it. Sui’s me jus’ fine tha’ y’can’t hold it,” Aoko answered, starting to slur drowsily, then shaking her head to regain some awareness.

    Not one to be stopped by a complication as minor as her notepad having had its weight increased exponentially, Kohaku just lay down on the ground and continued writing, using both hands to heave the current page over. It landed on the ground with a heavy thud.

    “I’m just going to interrupt the experiment for a moment, to ask you, how are you feeling, Ms. Aozaki? Is everything okay?”

    “That’s an excellent question, madam, and I would like to counter with a question of my own and ask you why the left half of your face is all swirly?”

    Kohaku didn’t react for a moment, then took out a new notepad and started scribbling something on the fresh page she had turned it into.

    “If you had another one, why didn’t you just—wait, I’m not taking your side on this.” Shiki groaned, “Carry on.”

    “Was I by any chance carryin’ a bottle’a moonshine when I got here?” Aoko asked. “Hold on, I don’ have an accent. Please tell me tha’ I’vff… finally… lost consciousness…? Or if not, that… that whatever Kohaku poisoned me with was able to do what my older sister never could… and that I’m fffinally about to succumb to the sweet embrace of death, ’cause I reall’ don’ like wher’ any o’ this is goin’.”

    She looked around, disconcerted by the way she was slipping in and out of awareness. Her short term memory wasn’t working the way she was accustomed to having it work for her either, and that was just downright frightening. She remembered most of the night, but almost immediately after Kohaku drugged her, everything became a jumbled mess of colors and meat.

    …Meat? Wait, that didn’t seem right. But she couldn’t think of the right word. Meat didn’t have anything to do with it though; she couldn’t actually understand how the word arrived in her mind when it did.

    In any case, all she could recall was getting attacked by a tree, the Dark Side, weird side effects, and Hisui staring. Actually, Hisui was still staring, so she might not be remembering so much as envisioning. Oh, right, and Kohaku was useless. That was extremely important for a reason she couldn’t recall, but it was a good one, she was totally sure of that.

    Is she breathing?!” Ciel gasped all of a sudden. This had the result of Aoko realizing why her chest hurt, and so she inhaled. Because she had forgotten to breathe for almost a minute.

    “Shiki, I have a question,” Arcueid said, clearly very uncomfortable. “Are we having fun?”

    “No, we are not, Arc. This is terrible.”

    “Good, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t just confused and out of the mortals’ loop.”

    “I don’t know, big brother, I must admit, I’m finding this mildly amusing,” Akiha mused, a dark smile just barely playing at the corners of her mouth.

    “Dammit, Akiha! Don’t make this worse for me,” Shiki groaned.

    “What should we do next. I’ll let you choose this time,” Kohaku said cheerfully.

    “…”

    Kohaku waited, but Aoko wasn’t responding.

    “Uh oh. I think she might be dead,” she checked Aoko’s pulse as Shiki just about exploded behind her. Fortunately, the Magician of the Fifth Magic was fine if her blood had anything to say about it. “Oh, nope, false alarm, still pumping strong! You can calm down now, Master Shiki.”

    “Calm down?! After what you just said?! Don’t DO that Kohaku!”

    As was only appropriate, the maid ignored him completely to focus on her ‘patient’ (read: guinea pig)

    “Hey, no conking out just yet, I still have more tests to run!” Kohaku urged. Aoko let her head loll forward, noticing the other redhead waving her flipper in front of her face. Oh, Kohaku was a giant goldfish now. Not the weirdest thing to happen in the past half-hour.

    “Want me to try to turn you back into a person?”

    “What do you mean by that?”

    “You’re a fish, I thought you would have noticed this by now.”

    “Every extra minute that passes while I’m forced to watch this nonsense shaves a year off my life…” Arcueid groaned, holding her head in her hands.

    “Ugh, in case you’ve forgotten, you’re immortal,” Ciel grumbled back irritably.

    “(A), I haven’t, and (B), Not anymore,” Arcueid sighed.

    A chill ran up Shiki’s spine as he realized the two girls were probably about to start fighting again.

    “Please, not now, I can’t handle more than…whatever this is,” he groaned, gesturing vaguely at Kohaku and his sensei who seemed to be having a disagreement about which of them was really inside a giant box.

    “Look, I’ll just try and make something explode without pointing.”

    “So, same as usual?”

    Aoko grimaced, feeling just a bit grouchier now. This kimono-clad maid seemed to have an almost impressive talent for getting under her skin.

    “Yes…” she said, grinding her teeth.

    She stared at a rock, focused as hard as she could, and did what normally would have atomized it.

    Instead…

    “What the… who? How? Where am I?” the creature in front of them blinked, looking around at its new environment — and acquaintances in particular — with apprehension. “Uh… I mean… …skriss?”

    Kohaku stared.

    Aoko stared.

    Shiki, Arcueid, Ciel, and Akiha all stared.

    Hisui also stared, but that was what she had been doing the whole time, so it really didn’t have to be said.

    “I always knew there was a parallel universe populated entirely with hyperitelligent badgers!” Kohaku squealed.

    “HOLY SHIT, THE MONKEY’S TALKING!” screeched the badger.

    “You already said ‘skriss.’ Doesn’t that imply that you were expecting that?”

    “Not necessarily!”

    This had unsettling implications. The spell that she had used was one of her more common offensive abilities. Did this mean that every time she used it she was pulling a hapless badger out of some parallel universe and vaporizing it?

    “Hey, uh, not to pry or anything, but do people in your world occasionally… spontaneously disappear? And by people, I guess I mean badgers.”

    “Yes, actually. Almost every day! Wait is that all you?”

    “Every day?! Oh thank goodness. It can’t be just me in that case.”

    “Do you know where the others are?” the badger asked curiously.

    “I’m going to go out on a limb and say that crossing over to this world resulted in them exploding every single time.”

    “Oh. I have another question.”

    “I have a good feeling about this,” whispered Kohaku eagerly.

    “Do you believe that Badger Hell is a real place?”

    Well that was a tangent. Kohaku barely could even tell where that came from. It wasn’t just out of left field, it was from an entirely different ballpark.

    “Why do you ask?” Aoko returned squeamishly.

    “Because you’re probably going there. Do you know where I can find some juicy rodents?”

    “You’re not the sentimental type are you?” noted Shiki.

    “Do you even have badgers in your world? We have three moods: Hungry, angry, and curious. Normally we’re angry.”

    “We aren’t keeping her are we?” Akiha asked cautiously.

    “No way in Badger Hell. I am a strong, independent badger, and I have no need for horrifyingly ugly hairless primates. Bye now!”

    The badger scurried off, presumably to get acquainted with her new surroundings, and not very perturbed by the thought of never going home. Weird. Was this badger a sociopath? Wait… if she was, did the mean that all badgers were sociopaths? Was that racist? Probably… But if they were, what were the moral ramifications of murdering badgers en mass during a battle between mages?

    No, those were questions that she couldn’t answer in this state. She could barely even sit up. Also, she was a mage: Morals were more of a troubling afterthought than a way of life for her.

    “Think you can handle a few more?” Kohaku asked.

    “Sure. Why not?” actually, for some reason, she felt… kind of okay all of a sudden. Maybe the drug had worn off? She stood up, and then as swiftly as it came, the moment of clarity fled.

    Hmm… Strange. Was she taller than she’d been a second ago?

    She fell about a foot and a half and was asleep before her head hit the ground.


    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


    The following morning…

    Shiki woke up feeling the weight of all those he’d hurt crushing him from just above his chest. They turned into Akiha as he opened his eyes. The events of the previous night began coming back to him around the same time, and the stress from that made Akiha sneaking into his tent while he was a sleep seem trifling.

    “Go away,” he moaned. “Ugh, this is the worst trip.”

    “I just thought you’d want to know, Miss Aoko’s woken up.”

    Akiha was ejected from the tent, and within ten seconds Shiki had changed into daywear and come out after her. “Why didn’t you lead with that?!”

    “Sitting on you was more amusing. I think I gave you a nightmare.”

    Her innocent tone gave Shiki chills despite himself.

    “Anyway, where is she?”

    “Well, she was eating breakfast when I came to get you, and I think she’s just started a standoff over by the camping table.”

    “A what?! Also, are completely ambivalent about what happens to your maids?”

    “Kohaku can handle herself. She got herself into the situation,” Akiha added, “so it’s her responsibility to get herself out of it.”

    “Yep, she’s dead.”

    “Okay, look, it doesn’t matter that I can’t remember why I’m so pissed off at you, the point is that you’re definitely guilty,” said Aoko.

    “Look, I know you might have some strange memory issues, but I can assure you that no permanent damage was done. Probably.”

    “PROBABLY?!” the Magician shouted, then paused, “Wait, right. That’s what we were doing, we were testing out my Fifth Magic in detail.”

    “Exactly! A completely worthwhile endeavour, agreed? I think we’ve all learned some valuable lessons today, don’t you?” Kohaku nodded cheerfully, flipping her notebook’s pages about with her finger.

    “Honestly, Kohaku,” Aoko said, with a smile, “I think I do. But you know what?”

    “What?” asked the maid.

    Aoko’s grin twisted into a deadly sneer.

    “I think I like my usual Fifth Magic just the way it is!” she pointed her arm at the eccentric maid.

    “I could have told you that you were playing a very dangerous game, sister, but I did not want to risk insulting your intelligence,” Hisui nodded.

    “I should have listened to what you decided not to tell me…” Kohaku agreed.

    —KRACKOOM!—

    “. . . Ow. . . .”

    A beat

    “And now for the most valuable lesson of all,” Shiki said, his eye twitching. “NEVER DRUG A MAGICIAN, DAMMIT!”

    “Even if they let you?” Kohaku asked dizzily.

    “Please stop.”



    Bonus Epilogue

    The rest of the camping trip went off without a hitch. Suffice to say, Kohaku had no more fun whatsoever. Shiki had resolved to bring Sion or Satsuki in her place next time. Most of the maid’s remaining time was spent writing and rewriting the following warning so that the author wouldn’t have to:

    Warning: The field of Fifth Magic is a highly complex field of study and requires many more years of research before it can be truly understood. The likelihood of Fifth Magic actually functioning in a form even remotely similar to what was displayed in this interpretation is nigh infinitesimal, and using it as a basis for how it works for your own story would be momentous error in judgement.



    Author’s Note: And now, this:


    …Okay, you can punch me now.

  3. #3
    Hey, I ain’t no lizard! Draconic's Avatar
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    194,434,580 - IGN Ritsuka
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    Disasticle 3:
    Well, This is Bullshift
    In which a number of different Servants rayshift irresponsibly as told through Ritsuka Fujimaru’s various incident journal entries.



    February 29th, 2016
    Astolfo requested to go to ancient Egypt to sample the fashion of the civilization at that time period.

    Approved.

    No report on progress in the London singularity.





    March 2nd, 2016
    Astolfo has returned from ancient Egypt. He requires a walk-in closet now. Now requesting to go to Italy during the Renaissance.

    Approved, Da Vinci assigned to supervise.

    Beowulf has made some very worrisome comments about hunting ‘the most dangerous game.’
    I really hope he doesn’t mean ‘man.’

    Okita has been retrieved from London with multiple stab wounds. Nobunaga came back to help, but wouldn’t stop making new holes either and needed to be tranquilized.

    The More You Know: It takes two darts full of horse tranquilizer to knock Nobunaga out.





    March 13th, 2016
    Astolfo and Da Vinci returned from the Renaissance. He has added an entire section of what can only be described as works of art to his wardrobe. He also has a few steampunk outfits that Da Vinci made for him.

    This is fine.

    No, really, it’s actually fine. Gil’s Golden Rule basically causes us to be flooded with money on a regular basis. Otherwise, we would have a problem.

    Beowulf still looking for something dangerous to hunt.





    March 15th, 2016
    London singularity stabilized successfully. We now have Jeanne Alter in our Servant roster too. Very excited. Jeanne thinks of the Avenger as a little sister, which is strange for multiple reasons, but between the two of them, our original Jeanne is the more mature.

    Beowulf requesting to go back to 66 million b.c. to kill tyrannosaurs. We have no idea what the repercussions of this could be, nor whether it’s possible to go back that far, but I do know the repercussions of agitating an already very restless Berserker, so approved.… Jeanne and Jeanne Alter both sent to supervise.





    March 16th, 2016
    Beowulf torn to pieces by velociraptors. He is now in medical receiving treatment for eye gouging, stomach removal, general disembowelment, shredded larynx, and facial lacerations that look like a bear for some reason.

    On the bright side, we now know that we can go back to times before mankind walked the ii

    Incidentally, Jeanne Alter now has a pet T-Rex.
    Astolfo named him Rory.

    Astolfo requesting to go Egypt again. Tenth century this time.

    Approved. It's Astolfo, a lot could go wrong, but he's the most likeable least unlikable person we've got. He should be fine.





    March 18th, 2016
    Jeanne Alter and Rory sent to a minor singularity and annihilated all resistance. Complete stabilization occurred within nine hours. Rory dragged a mountain of loot back through the rayshift as well, so now Marie Antoinette is looking to go shopping in late nineteenth century Paris.

    Approved. Atalanta tagging along out of curiosity.





    March 25th 2016
    No word from Astolfo for several days now. Last communication was on the 21st. Starting to get worried.

    Marie returned alone from Paris, apparently having come back early (I actually needed her two days ago). Atalanta was caught shoplifting and is now in prison.

    I haven’t got the first clue how that happened. Why would she do that?! What would she even have taken?! Sending Hassan of the Cursed Arm to investigate.

    Beowulf recovering nicely.

    Blackbeard requesting to go to Japan 2015.

    Denied.





    March 26th, 2016
    Hassan has reported back: Atalanta stole apples. I hoped this had been a joke, but it wasn’t. She really stole apples. Why me?

    Still no word from Astolfo. Sending Hassan of the Hundred Faces to investigate.

    Someone flinging hairdryers at random passersby with concussive force. Kiyohime suspected.





    April 1st, 2016
    What a day…

    Gilgamesh left a pressure plate in the cafeteria that remotely activated the Gate of Babylon as a joke. Arturia Alter, Paracelsus, Alexander, David, Fran, and Tamamo Cat are all hospitalized, and Gil has gotten off scot-free because what can anyone actually do to stop him?

    Other ‘hilarious’ pranks included:

    Tamamo-no-Mae created something called a PaMaWo that encompassed half the building and turned it into some sort of Japanese temple/dance club and trapped a number of Servants and staff inside.

    Dr. Roman set the computers to do an ‘Ah-ah-ah, you didn’t say the magic word’ thing a-la Jurassic Park, and nearly gave everyone who saw the movie heart attacks. Da Vinci has blocked the Magi★Mari website until further notice.

    Shuten-Douji sent nude photos to Siegfried, Doctor Jekyll, Angra Mainyu, Gawain, and Gilles (the Caster, shockingly).

    Nero played a sex tape over the intercom.

    Medea made an illusion of Arcueid appear in the Fate Summoning System.
    Least awful but most mean-spirited by far...

    Kiyohime proven innocent: I saw her get hit by a hairdryer. I later caught Carmilla launching one at Drake, proving her the guilty party. All people hit by hairdryers are claimed to have demonstrated terrible behavior beforehand. But this is Carmilla we’re talking about here. It’s entirely possible she just decided to hurt people in a way that wouldn't make her appear to be the obvious culprit.

    …I just love it how there is literally no way I can possibly discipline these people.

    No word from Astolfo or Hassan.





    April 2nd, 2016
    Gilgamesh, Tamamo, Dr. Roman, Nero and Medea all received a boot to the head, courtesy of Nobunaga, and we successfully extracted Atalanta from prison.

    It was shaping up to be a fairly good day.

    Then Jeanne Alter had Rory eat Shuten-Douji, and that was just scary.

    Carmilla’s reason confirmed to be that she was just jealous of her targets’ hair. All things considered, it's not that surprising.

    No word from Astolfo or Hassan.





    April 5th, 2016
    Shuten-Douji summoned by the Fate System, which clearly has a sick sense of humor. Not using this one for missions. Looking for a way to keep her trapped somewhere.

    No word from Astolfo or Hassan.





    April 7th, 2016
    Hassan of the Hundred Faces has returned. Told me that Astolfo is completely fine and there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Did not elaborate.

    I have a bad feeling about this…





    April 12th, 2016
    Astolfo is back and is apparently Jewish now. While I personally have no problem with this, as a Paladin of Charlemagne, I can’t imagine that this can possibly be contextually acceptable.





    April 14th, 2016
    Astolfo lighting Sabbath candles.

    This seems weird, because David has informed me that men are only supposed to fill that role if absolutely no women are available.
    Speaks Hebrew fluently.
    Then proved that he could also speak Japanese, Spanish, German, Russian, Romanian, Chinese in several different dialects, Akkadian, and Dolphinspeak.

    In light of all that, especially that last one, the Hebrew really isn’t surprising anymore. He seems to have forgotten all his French. I am so confused! Isn’t that his native tongue?!





    April 30th, 2016
    Astolfo stopped being Jewish (that was fast). Is now Hindu. Has started spending lots of time with Karna and Rama.

    Karna seems unenthusiastic about the company. I don’t blame him; Astolfo is definitely harshing his mellow. Then again, Karna is the type of person who I can imagine deadpanning the phrase ‘you wouldn’t believe the joy I feel in my heart right now,’ and meaning it.

    Shuten-Douji went into Nursery Rhyme’s room. I nearly fainted from fright, but that was only the beginning of Atalanta's report: The yokai made it all of two steps inside before Atalanta feathered her. Shuten-Douji is now more arrow than flesh, but in all honesty, we need to find a solution to this problem.





    May 4th, 2016
    Medb scheduled a meeting with me this afternoon just to inform me that she is not into little girls and would not be doing anything to satisfy a certain someone's demonic urges. I hadn’t actually thought of that, but I can safely say that would probably only exacerbate the problem. And Medb is already a problem without demonic exposure.





    April 35th, 3015 (consistent time scale)
    I don’t even know how this happened…





    April 36th, 3015 (consistent time scale)
    CHALDEAS cannot send people forward in time. This has been explained to me several times, so why am I stuck in a future in which kangaroos are the dominant sentient life on earth?

    More importantly, why is one of them so attracted to Astolfo? And how is he having so much trouble escaping from her?

    He’s taken up Shilbism now, which is the most common religion among kangaroos. It worships a specific place in Australia.





    April 39th, 3015 (consistent time scale)
    Thanks to some help from Altera and Touta we successfully averted global thermonuclear war by transforming much of the Outback desert into arable land and making much more of the holy land of Australia livable. Returning to Chaldea tomorrow.





    May 3rd 2016
    We managed to get back, but we all had to hide in a broom closet to avoid being found by ourselves and potentially creating a time paradox. Also, Astolfo needs a chiropractor. He let the kangaroo girl down gently, but apparently that didn’t go very well. Also, apparently the Kangaroo equivalent of a slap in the face is apparently a kick in the nose, and as anyone who’s ever seen kangaroos knows, they have extremely powerful legs. Astolfo being treated for a dislocated head.

    This is definitely a condition unique to Servants. No human could survive having their head at that angle even for a second. Though with how well Astolfo's taking it, it’s actually kind of funny. He’s not really acting any differently. He is sad that he hurt that kangaroo's feelings though. Apparently breaking hearts is not a very Paladinly thing to do. He's also upset because even after he got kicked, the kangaroo girl’s jealous boyfriend showed up and curbstomped him. It was terrifying. And hilarious in retrospect. I cannot think the words ‘got curbstomped by a kangaroo’ without giggling. And neither can Astolfo, apparently.





    May 5th, 2016
    Everything back to normal.
    Gil's Gate of Babylon April Fools victims have all recovered and trained themselves back to peak performance too.

    Unfortunately, Drake rayshifted to the Caribbean of the Georgian era without permission and singlehandedly caused a singularity to emerge there. (or is it ‘then?’)

    Mashu and I are joining Jekyll, Nero, Young Gilgamesh, Heracles, Vlad III, Cú Chulainn (Lancer class), and our newest Servant, (she calls herself Mysterious Heroine X, and she's probably the same one from that anomaly a few months ago) to take her down.

    Astolfo decided to tag along as well to take his mind off things. He’s Christian again, by the way.





    May 6th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
    Drake. Went. Nuts!
    By the time we got here, she already had an entire goddamn fleet! This is going to be a nightmare…
    And to think, she solved a singularity last time. This is such a disappointment.





    May 7th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
    So, we tried a direct approach and were basically blown out of the water. I’m writing this from on top of Mashu’s shield. It may be one of the most buoyant things I’ve seen in my life. I wasn’t expecting that.





    May 8th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
    We all survived the long swim back to shore. Mashu’s shield probably saved us multiple times. So, I need to take inventory:


    Ship: Sunk
    Crew: Unavailable
    Armaments: Lost
    Provisions: Lost
    Map: Lost
    Compass: Lost
    Barometer: Lost
    All hope in hell: Lost


    We're screwed.





    May 12th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
    Ship: Acquired
    Crew: Acquired
    Armaments: Acquired
    Provisions: Acquired
    Map: Acquired
    Compass: Acquired
    Barometer: Acquired
    Chance of success higher than 0%: Acquired

    Means of Acquisition: Gate of Babylon.

    Money apparently can buy happiness.
    Or at least relieve me of the crushing stress of carrying humanity’s fate on my shoulders while one of my own people ruins everything.

    Mashu doing pirate cosplay. Looks like a Pirates of the Caribbean character but with zettai ryouiki. We went on a not-date to a tavern near the docks, and ate what the proprietor said was “salmon… I think.” Whatever it was, Jekyll examined it before we ate it and said it was disease free, and it tasted good.





    May 14th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
    Gil, Vlad, and Mysterious Heroine X—who I'm beginning to suspect is Arturia—turned Drake’s fleet to driftwood. I think most of her pirate recruits survived, but as long as they can’t shoot at us, I’m happy.

    We’ve got her cornered. She made a mistake around a nearby peninsula and boxed herself in before she could readjust her course.
    Won't be long now.





    May 16th, 2016 (consistent time scale)
    I have no idea how she’s doing it, but she’s holding us off!





    June 2nd, 2016
    It’s taken us almost a month to take her down without making her mess even bigger. I’m just glad we’re finished with her. Now we can get back to the next serious singularity, and I can continue trying to solve our Shuten-Douji problem.

    At least one good thing came of today: I now have video footage of Drake being scolded by Cú Chulainn while wearing a public shaming sign. She had to sit on the floor outside the cafeteria for the rest of the day wearing it. It said “I have less self-control than a magpie, stole enough crap to create a time paradox, and am a bad, bad girl.”

    I don’t know about those first two things, but that last one was pretty humiliating. Emiya agreed to enforce her punishment. And she’s grounded for a month.

    Finally, accountability! Dr. Roman, Da Vinci, Mashu and I are all beside ourselves with joy about this.





    June 15th, 2016
    Shuten-Douji attacked Jeanne. Thank heaven there are no distractions in the foreseeable future.

    Tamamo volunteered to help us build what she calls a Servant Slammer/Demon Dock, and what we call an inescapable yokai-Servant prison. She even volunteered to test how painful the ‘cage’ is to touch in exchange for a box of assorted shampoos. I sent Marie Antoinette to go buy them ASAP.

    Drake requesting to go to Timbuktu.

    DENIED!!!





    June 25th, 2016
    Servant Slammer coming along nicely. Shuten-Douji aware but not concerned.
    Tamamo kerfrazzled, but looking forward to a glossy tail.

    Jeanne Alter complaining that Rory’s had a persistent tummy ache. Went to see Dr. Roman, but he says that he can’t help because he doesn't know anything about being a veterinarian or a paleontologist.

    Also, Jeanne Alter used the term ‘tummy ache.’ She’s cute when she's embarrassed. Mashu surreptitiously took a picture on her phone.

    Drake requesting to go to Timbuktu again…as she has every day since she first asked.

    Still denied. What about being grounded does she not understand?





    July 3rd, 2016 — Morning
    As of yesterday, Drake isn’t grounded anymore, so I had to stop treating her like a little kid. In all honesty, I’m kind of disappointed. It was fun putting her in her place after that stunt she pulled.

    She’s still requesting to go to Timbuktu.

    Approved, to make her stop asking.





    July 3rd, 2016 — Afternoon
    Drake back from Timbuktu and furious. I just informed her that she’s been here for months and could have found out what the place was any time she wanted. It would have been a good way to spend her free time. You know, as opposed to, just for example, causing an extra singularity!

    According to her, Timbuktu was supposed to be a city of gold that was filled with riches beyond people’s imaginations.

    In reality, it was, in fact, a collection of mud huts. The mud huts weren’t filled with treasure either. They were filled with mud. (And simple tools. And simple people eking out simple but happy lives untarnished by a privateer’s obsessive materialism.)





    July 10th, 2016
    Lancelot and Gawain are here. Or put another way, it has now been nine hours since they started arguing. And I thought Tesla and Edison were bad…





    July 11th, 2016
    Lancelot and Gawain still at each other’s throats.





    July 12th, 2016
    It has now been fifty-three hours since Lancelot and Gawain started arguing. Sending Arturia to intervene.





    July 13th, 2016
    It seemed like it would work at first. But they started up again after five minutes. After hours of trying, Arturia gave up. She’s been feeling dejected ever since. Wants to go people watching in a few peaceful towns from her own time period.

    Approved, provided she stay hidden.





    July 13th, 2016 — Evening
    Arturia feeling much better.





    July 14th, 2016
    Lion King summoned. Lancelot and Gawain forcibly subdued. Arturia (the Saber) severely agitated again.

    Those knights are actually quite nice if they’re not near one another.





    July 15th, 2016
    Kept hearing weirdly dramatic music in the halls. Lion King determined to be the cause.





    July 29thth, 2016
    Astolfo feeling a lot better lately. Has almost full control over his neck again. Except… well… something's not quite right:

    Sometimes he’ll be talking and in the middle of a sentence, he stops talking and makes this long, sustained squawking noise, like a cockatoo.

    He’s spending a lot of time with J’Alter and Rory. That dinosaur’s actually kind of cute when he’s not stomping around and breaking things.





    August 1st, 2016
    Rory in critical. According to Jeanne Alter, her sister and Astolfo, Shuten-Douji (the one we thought was dead!) tore her way out of his belly. The Jeannes and Astolfo demolished her, and she’s dead for sure this time, but I don’t know if there’s any saving poor Rory. He’s in surgery, but it’s touch-and-go.

    Astolfo’s taking this even harder than Jeanne Alter, and she’s inconsolable. I’ve gotta say though, it’s kind of weird that he’s more torn up about this than he was about that time he was assaulted by a kangaroo. And her boyfriend.

    Was that really only three months ago? It feels like years…

    Oh, right, summoned Kintoki Sakata. I’m kind of surprised that we didn't get him sooner with all the times he's shown up.





    August 2nd, 2016
    With help from Paracelsus, Medea Lily, Jekyll, Jack the Ripper (shockingly), and Tamamo, we managed to save Rory. He’s going to be a lot less energetic, and he certainly won’t be an asset in the field anymore, but he’ll live. Astolfo and Jeanne Alter overjoyed.

    Shuten Douji (the second one who's still alive) is fascinated by Kintoki, who seems uniquely capable of managing her.





    August 18th, 2016
    Shuten Problem solved. Kintoki is somehow able to keep her on a leash (figuratively speaking of course). Inescapable yokai-Servant prison project abandoned, so Liz gets her recording studio back. Tamamo definitely getting that shampoo for all the effort she put in though.





    August 20th, 2016
    Tamamo thrilled with her new hair products.





    August 21st, 2016
    Tamamo’s tail is dazzling. It looks fluffier than ever, and it looked very fluffy already.





    August 29th, 2016 — Afternoon
    Beowulf requesting to go back to the Cretaceous Period.

    Denied. I’m no genius, but I’m not that stupid.





    August 29th, 2016 — Night
    Beowulf forced me to let him go. He twisted my arm. Literally. Sending Atalanta, Astolfo, Cú Chulainn, Medusa, and Lancelot to supervise. Preferably unseen.
    Honestly, they’re like children some of these heroes.





    August 30th, 2016
    Beowulf ripped to pieces by Deinonychuses. He is now in medical receiving treatment for moderate to severe dismemberment (whatever that means), near-complete disembowelment, partial decapitation, and sudden pelvis loss.

    Honestly, if this is how well he handles dinosaurs, I’ve really gotta wonder how he managed to kill that dragon.





    September 1st, 2016 — Noon
    Jeanne Alter’s gone missing. We’re searching the facility right now, but I’m getting worried.





    September 1st, 2016 — Evening
    My worst fears have been realized: Jeanne Alter rayshifted without permission and deleted her destination! We have no idea where she's gone, when she’s gone, or how we’re even supposed to start looking for her! I suppose we’ll just have to wait until a new anomaly shows up on CHALDEAS…





    September 3rd, 2016 — Morning
    Jeanne Alter came back, to everyone’s great relief. Unfortunately, she came back with a giant egg she purports to have found in the lair of a certain dragon who was the basis for Gollum. Apparently she saw Sigurd but he didn't see her, which I suppose is for the best. A certain Lancer however is just beside herself with envy.

    Just to put it on the record, I’m not sure how Fafnir could even have had an egg, considering Fafnir was definitely a he, but either way, if this thing hatches, we’re probably going to be in trouble.

    Mashu’s been looking to get some time off, so I gave her the weekend. She sounded strangely urgent about it. I think I’ll check on her later to see if she's okay.





    September 3rd, 2016 — Afternoon
    I knocked on Mashu’s door, and she sounded incredibly flustered and wouldn’t let me inside. I hope she’s okay.

    Paracelsus attempting to convince Jack to wear pants. No success.





    September 4th, 2016
    Mashu still avoiding me. I’ve noticed several people going to and from Mashu's room today. Mostly Marie, but also Mata Hari, Emiya, and Jeanne.

    Jeanne Alter on the other hand has spent all her time since returning watching her new egg wearing a creepy grin the whole time. Rory standing guard.





    September 5th, 2016
    Mashu extended a formal invitation to me for a private dinner in her room.

    Is this why she was avoiding me? How much has she been preparing?

    Jeanne Alter requesting to go to Japan 2015 to buy some otome games. Denied to teach her a thing or two about being more responsible.





    September 6th, 2016 — Morning
    It only occurred to me when I saw her last night that I’d never seen Mashu in a dress before. She looks fantastic in it by the way. Dinner was really nice. I almost had my first kiss last night… but Kiyohime barged in brandishing a meat cleaver.





    September 6th, 2016 — Noon
    Mashu is positively mortified, and it’s entirely Kiyohime’s fault. I was wondering how I was going to discipline her, when to my total shock, Heracles showed up and carved a crude diagram on one of the cafeteria tables depicting a man carrying a torch chained to a rock, with a bird on top of him.

    I’m assuming that he was suggesting that we chain Kiyohime to a boulder and have an eagle eat her liver every day as was the case with Prometheus, however I’m not sure where I can procure an eagle that will be so specific, nor one that can talk and say cruel things to her, so instead, I’ve put Da Vinci to work constructing a mystic code tentatively called Berserker-Proof Chains, and Heracles has gone to fetch a boulder from an in-progress singularity.





    September 6th, 2016 — Afternoon
    Well, that was fast. Note to self; everyone works harder when the aim is to punish someone who made Mashu cry.

    Kiyohime has been successfully bound to a rock, and in the absence of an obnoxious talking eagle that will eat her liver every day, we have instead requisitioned Emiya to pelt her with an infinite number of kitchen utensils while Tamamo makes lame puns at her all day long. She said it would be best since they’re already friends. She’s borrowing Kintoki’s sunglasses and puts them on for the especially bad puns.

    Heracles doesn’t seem very motivated to rescue this one.

    We were all eager to see what Kintoki’s eyes looked like when he took his shades off, but he was wearing another pair behind them. I don’t know how.





    September 12th, 2016
    Astolfo approached by a moose who claims to be his friend Roland. Has not yet explained why he is a moose.

    They’re roommates now.





    September 14th, 2016
    Mashu came to find me a few minutes As far as completely ruined dates go, I think she’s decided that the one last week was pretty good. I’m really glad. I just wish we could have ended it on a better note.





    September 20th, 2016
    That egg J’Alter brought back is starting to move. I thought I was agitated by this, but Dr. Roman has been practically bouncing off the walls of his office.





    October 1st, 2016
    The egg hatched. Much to everyone’s astonishment, what emerged from inside was a lamia, not a dragon.
    Astolfo named her Charlotte.

    She seems to think Jeanne Alter is her mom, and has taken a shine to—you guessed it—Astolfo. She’s fully grown and completely articulate already, which I find sketchy, but at the same time, I suppose it might be better this way…? At least she can communicate?





    October 6th, 2016
    It is most certainly not better this way. I don’t know why I ever thought so! She’s tried to seduce Astolfo twice already! Is it mating season in the furry kingdom, or something?! Incidentally, I’m sure that there must be one or two pervs around here who’d actually want to do it with a snake. Why are all the non-humans so hot and bothered about Astolfo?!

    Maybe they like bishounen characters?





    October 13th, 2016
    Roland explained that his Saint Graph was also taken from the time when he went insane, but since he didn’t want to be naked constantly, he decided to be a moose instead.





    October 31st, 2016
    Found Mashu in my room in her pirate costume.

    I don’t kiss and tell. Those who do not respect a lady’s privacy are scum and deserve to suffer the same injuries that Beowulf incurs every time he tries to hunt a dinosaur. Also, this is an incident memo, not a diary.

    That’s all I’ll say. You will get no more details about the events that took place here tonight.





    November 1st, 2016
    Woke up in Senpai's bed this morning. Dream come true.

    We heard some sort of commotion outside so I didn’t get to cuddle as long as I’d have liked. We found Kiyohime chained to a rock again. I’m pretty sure she’s going to try and kill me in my sleep now.





    November 1st, 2016
    Okay, apparently you did get more details. I wasn’t expecting to find Mashu giggling and writing in my incident log.

    Kiyohime has been hit with a command seal and if she ever even tries to harm Mashu, she will end up becoming a much more conventional type of servant. For Mashu of course. This possibility has increased Kiyohime’s hostility towards me, but has made her terrified of so much as showing Mashu any sort of aggression. Command seal well used, in my opinion.





    November 9th, 2016
    New anomaly opened up in the early twentieth century.

    Epicenter appears to be in Antarctica. Astolfo demanding to go. Wants to see penguins and possibly make friends with all of them.

    I really hope none will try to seduce—or worse, mate with him—but with his current UIRR (Unintended Interspecies Relationship Record), I’m not holding my breath.

    Approved. Nobunaga, Okita, and Kintoki standing on as a bodyguards, and Tamamo going to threaten the local fauna in case of an emergency.

    I also sent Medb along, she could be useful with her chariot’s capacity to roll across snow.





    November 10th, 2016
    Astolfo made friends with lots of penguins.

    Surprisingly, none tried to mate with him.

    Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Medb who ‘somehow’ got gangbanged by an ethnic punk dubstep band comprised of terrifyingly warped Servant versions of the acting troupe from A Midsummer Night’s Dream. They all died from exposure later because they were apparently dressed for a rave, not the Antarctic. Actually on second thought, considering their collective mental capacity in the play, it’s not actually that surprising. Shakespeare confirms my assumption as accurate, though you can never really tell with that guy.

    I asked if Bottom had been incarnated with the head of a donkey, but Medb didn’t appear to know what I was talking about. Assuming Medb did not wait to introduce herself before offering to put out. It wouldn't be the first time. For a queen, this woman is a little less classy than a basement strip club in a residential neighborhood.

    Astolfo tracked the anomaly to a nearby mountain range. Nobunaga joining, Medb recalled, replaced by Iskandar. Plans to fly into the mountains underway.





    November 11th, 2016
    All contact with the Antarctic team lost.

    Medb being treated for syphilis. Says she probably got it from the one with the donkey’s head.

    I FREAKING KNEW IT!!!





    November 14th, 2016
    Beowulf snuck off to the Jurassic Period.

    I really should be used to this by now, but it’s still driving me nuts.





    November 17th, 2016
    Beowulf gored by a stegosaurus. But he came back on his own with two dead allosaurs. Huh. I guess he had it in him after all. He does not however have a heart in him, or a left kidney. He left them in the Jurassic. He's being treated for multiple rib fractures, two punctured lungs, prolonged cardiac absence, powdered shins, crushed knees, and catastrophic liver failure.

    I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle the explanation for how he even managed that last one in that time period.

    No word from the Antarctic team.





    November 19th, 2016
    I refuse to record the events of this dark day. I have the full support of the Servants and faculty behind this decision. Though we all survived, no one will speak of… it… ever again. The rec room has suffered enough…

    No word from Antarctica.





    November 20th, 2016
    Medb interrupted me and Mashu but I can’t punish her because it was our fault for forgetting to lock the door.

    No proper word from Antarctica, but received two packages:
    The first was a letter. But it only was just the phrase, “tekel-li-li,” written on it over and over again in Nobunaga’s handwriting. No idea what it’s supposed to mean. Da Vinci locked herself in her (his?) workshop immediately after reading it and hasn't come out since. Refusing to explain why either.

    The second was a T-Shirt labeled “I ♥ Penguins.”

    Weird, but on the other hand, this is Astolfo.





    November 21st, 2016
    No follow-up from Antarctica.





    November 22nd, 2016
    Da Vinci has stopped hiding. The only explanation he’ll (she’ll?) give me is that she has confirmed that humanity’s existence is in fact significant, and not at all pointless.

    I have no idea why she would have come to a conclusion that suggested the opposite, but if Da Vinci’s back in action, I guess that’s good enough for now.





    November 23rd, 2016
    Everyone’s back, but none of them will talk about what they found in the mountains, apparently having sworn each other to secrecy. Apparently, Nobunaga lost her mind completely. She had to be resummoned.

    Tamamo, Iskandar and Astolfo are all very sorry, but they assured me that the singularity has been taken care of, and that everything about it should be forgotten completely, and Medea subsequently stole and erased the memories of any specific events that took place there, as well as anything they encountered, so it seems like there's really no finding out…

    Okay…? I guess…?





    December 25th, 2016
    Da Vinci successfully created a Reality Marble that would effectively allow Jeanne Alter to live out her Otome fantasy. She apparently went with the Arash route.

    They’re going steady now. Weird. But on the other hand, I’ve had maki made from Sea Fiends. Jeanne Alter is shockingly adorable when she’s in a genuinely good mood.

    There’s just one problem in that Da Vinci made a mistake that makes Jeanne Alter’s mere presence drive Brynhildr positively wild. But luckily, only on Thursdays for some reason.





    December 30th, 2016
    Summoned Sigurd. We’re all very surprised.





    December 31st, 2016
    Woke up. We do not have Sigurd. I apparently write in my sleep now.
    Happy new year!





    January 1st, 2017
    December 32nd, 2016
    Never mind. No New Years until the world exists again…

    David requesting to go back to his era so that he can meet his son and talk some sense into him.



    WHY DIDN’T ANYONE THINK OF THAT SOONER?!














    Author’s Note: Just for reference, the implication is that Astolfo met Maimonides in Egypt, and improbably spent a long time discussing philosophy with him, then decided to try out Judaism… and then since he was already at it, decided to try out a bunch of different faiths because why not? Evaporation of Reason! And then he became the main character of a monster dating sim without anyone’s permission. Including his own.


    The Antarctic thing was all a reference to At The Mountains Of Madness by H.P. Lovecraft.

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