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Thread: Eureka! or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Structual Analysis

  1. #1081
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    Wow, been so long I don't even remember the lead in to this chapter.

    Reread, I guess!
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  2. #1082
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    You actually read this, Meo? Color me surprised. Well, it can only help me to see what you think about it on reread.
    Spoiler:
    Is it pimping myself out if it's hidden?
    Index of Stories, Conceptual Writing, and Scenes


  3. #1083
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    ***

    Kirei and Shirou leapt off the back of one of the trucks used by the alchemists.

    While Shirou ambled a little bit away from the vehicle, Kirei briefly went to talk to the driver, got a canteen from her, and then joined Shirou. Both men watched the truck rumble away in silence for a moment before walking over towards the sidewalk. They began to jog away from their drop off point at a steady pace, clearing a block in a minute.

    “I didn’t know you could control people using magecraft,” Shirou said, observing how quickly the streets were becoming empty as they looked for the runaway magus. “Are they going to be alright after tonight, though? Something this powerful won’t hurt them, can it? I mean, your people are forcibly controlling them, right?” He voiced his concerns.

    “It would hurt them less than being torn apart by a rabid beast would, I imagine.” Kirei answered. Seeing the frown forming on Shirou, he placated the younger man. “It will be fine, young man. The scale is larger than normal, but it’s merely hypnotic magecraft. It won’t do permanent harm to anyone it’s used on.”

    Shirou’s ears perked up, hearing another of the alchemist’s trucks drive down another street. He could catch a faint chime beneath the sound of the engine. More of those cars were driving all over Shinto right now, probably forcing everyone within earshot away. They seemed pretty good at what they were doing, and Shirou couldn’t find any fault with their responsiveness for now.

    The younger man reluctantly dropped the issue.

    “So we’re bait, right?” Shirou asked, “And Misaya tries to break Berserker out while Matou is busy with us?”

    “Correct,” Kirei nodded. “Matou already indicated an all consuming need to end your life on multiple occasions.”

    Shirou grimaced.

    “-If we present you as she is now, she would abandon her attempts to escape to try and kill you. But even in the circumstance that your Berserker isn’t freed in time, we won't be fighting alone. My people are on standby in the surrounding buildings, awaiting my signal to join the engagement."

    Both of them took a corner, the residences thinning out as the street widened.

    “So she really is possessed?” Shirou thought out loud. “You said that the library is being warded for spirits. That shadow that was with her attacked me at her mansion. It could be that which was after me all this time...”

    “Doubtful,” Kirei didn’t seem to agree. “The Matou household breeds monsters. It just runs especially strong in that little girl. She had every intention to end you, and it came from within herself.”

    “That...” Can’t be true, Shirou wanted to say.

    “Is it because it’s a child? Trust me, the young are just as capable of acts of great evil. That’s why we must remain vigilant, and stop heresy such as this before they can spread.”

    “What about the Matou, then?” Shirou blurted. “Shinji never did anything like this. Can’t you be wrong about her? What if she’s being set up?”

    “You’re reaching for straws, young man. You and I both saw that she was very much a willing participant.” Kirei took a sip from his canteen, thinking for a few moments. “But let me answer you - I know that my words are truth because I have fought them in the past.”

    Shirou stared, shocked at the admission.

    “Yes, I too was a participant of the Holy Grail War alongside your father.” Kirei smiled, but it was a wane expression. “That's where I found out how far the Matou family had fallen into depravation..."

    “What’s wrong with that? It was a tournament?” The young man interrupted, trying to get his head together and failing to do so. His father had fought in Fuyuki before? Was that why he was around when the fire had struck?

    Kirei blinked, stopping to look at Shirou. “Wait, what is with that reaction? Do you not know about the War?”

    Shirou simply shook his head, feeling a little intimidated as the man’s eyes darkened for a moment. It was looking into an abyss, reminding him of the expression Sakura had worn the last time he had seen her.

    The priest shook his head, and stiffly held an arm out towards a entryway to brace himself against the building.

    “Kiritsugu hasn’t told you?” The older man spat his question, irritated for some reason.

    ‘No, of course he would not want to do that. He was walking around in a daze after the War ended. What sort of person - ah...’

    “Are you alright?” Shirou asked, lips drawn tight in worry. He reached towards the priest.

    Kirei shook himself like a wet dog, the sudden motion clearing the strange air about the priest. “The War is a competition between monsters.” He said, almost to reassure himself. “The Master of the Matou family, Zouken Matou, is your friend’s grandfather.” It sounded like he was going to end it there, but he suddenly asked an additional question of Shirou, who had drawn away from the older man at his sudden actions. “Have you ever seen your friend’s grandfather?”

    Shirou shook his head, falling into the older man’s pace.

    “Be thankful for your good fortune,” Kirei bowed his head, almost as if offering a silent prayer. “Zouken Matou is a master of insects. He uses them as familiars and his family’s arts are based on them. As a individual, his ability to control them are at such a high level that you wouldn’t be able to tell where he ends and the insects begin.”

    Shirou’s brow scrunched up.

    “You are probably wondering where I am going with this, aren’t you?” Kirei wondered.

    “Yes.”

    “Zouken Matou and the insects are one in the same.” Kirei smiled at the look of concern growing on Shirou’s face. “I know this because I fought him, through a proxy. Zouken Matou used his own son as a weapon for the Fourth Holy Grail War. He infested his son, consumed him from within, and drove him mad with pain.”

    “That can’t be true!” Shirou muttered, shaking his head.

    “Oh, but it is, young man.” Kirei toyed with the canteen. “The longer a person lives, and the more a person bonds with animals, the less of a man’s humanity remains, and I will tell you that Zouken has lived far too long. To him, his son was nothing more than a worker bee, to be consumed when necessary.”

    “But Shinji and Sakura aren’t their grandfather...”

    Kirei watched silently as the younger man’s expression fell.

    “Perhaps we can save her.” Kirei stated out loud, managing to keep an even tone in his voice. The priest reached into his robe and took out a black nub. He began to play with the bladeless hilt as he sermonized. “We shall pray for her. Keep your thoughts pure and your heart strong. There may be a chance to break the chains the devil has over her heart.”

    Shirou looked up at Kirei, a bit of light in his eyes.

    “Do you really think so?”

    Noticing Shirou's expression, Kirei smiled, and offered him his canteen.

    "Have some. I find that it steadies my resolve in times of need." At the prompt, the younger man took a curious sip.

    The flavor that flooded his mouth with spiciness, and made the younger man gag. Shirou’s body convulsed as he angrily wiped his mouth.

    Some crimson sauce lingered on the back of his hand.

    'Mapo sauce?!’

    “I believe God rewards everyone as they deserve.” Kirei smiled.

    ***

    “Sakura, can you get your father?” Aoi called out from the kitchen. “He’s up in his study, taking a call from one of his friends. I want us all together before we cut your cake.”

    The girl looked up from her book, nose wrinkling at the scent of food baking. Her stomache grumbled a little, anxious to have it all for herself.

    “Just a second,” Sakura called out, setting down her pen. A scribble of her jumping up a tree was left undone.

    “That’s not a ‘yes, mother’, young la-Rin! What are you doing there? You’ll get burned!”

    “Yes, mother.” Rin cheekily responded, making Sakura giggle softly to herself. The younger Tohsaka didn’t want to risk having her mother’s ire turn back towards her.

    The birthday girl made her way carefully up the stairs, listening with half an ear as Rin was lectured by mother. Sakura made a promise to thank Rin later. Maybe she’d like the picture she was drawing?

    Up, and up she went, stubbing her toe on the same corner when she turned around and headed for father’s study. Sakura winced, shaking her foot with tears in the corners of her eyes. The pain caused her to refrain from vocalizing her call to her father, allowing her to catch a snippet through the partially open door.

    “-Sakura is well now, there will be no further need to- yes, thank you very much.”

    Sakura stopped rubbing her toe in mid-motion, ignoring the ache as her attention was drawn towards the conversation. She looked back towards the direction of the stairs. Once she confirmed no one was coming, she crawled closer to the door, and leaned her ear closer towards it to listen.

    ‘I don’t need something?’ She wondered, excitedly spying on her father. ‘Is it about a present?’

    Some papers were rustled.

    “This is not an appropriate subject for discussion over the telephone.” Her father continued, faintly enough that Sakura had to lean up against the door. “If you like, I can arrange for other channels of communication."

    His seat creaked, and Sakura held her breath. Daddy was getting angry. He never moved enough to make that old thing groan unless someone had said something wrong, and hadn’t apologized to him.

    “My arrangement with the Matou is not subject to change. I will have no choice but to exercise my authority as the second owner of this land if you do not desist in slandering my allies, irregardless of your ties with Atlas.”

    Sakura felt shame empathetically, feeling tiny and helpless simply by hearing the icy voice her father was using right now. There was a brief silence, making Sakura nervously wiggle in place. The pain on her toe was an afterthought at this point.

    “Now hear here, do not presume that my family took no note of your interloping during the last ceremony. Heaven’s Feel is safeguarded by all three families. I am not so lax as to notice the research you’ve been conducting in the city, but rest assured that those people...”

    Sakura felt herself get yanked away from the door, staring straight into the eyes of an irate Aoi Tohsaka.

    “Now, what could this naughty little girl be doing right now?” She asked, causing Sakura to gulp as a dark light appeared in her mother’s eyes. “Maybe we shoul-”

    ***

    A steady clacking of metal on metal woke Sakura from her dream.

    The young woman groaned as she regained awareness. Fortunately, her return to consciousness did not bring with it the same idle-mindness she had been feeling all night.

    Unfortunately, her surroundings were just as odd as the city scape of Fuyuki.

    The inside of a turn of the century train welcomed her. Long pews towered over her head and spread to each side of the aisle she was lying down in the middle. The metal noise that had woken her up came a set of rings that dangled from the ceiling a few meters above Sakura’s head, probably for passengers to grasp if they couldn’t find a seat.

    The interior of the compartment was occasionally lit that flashed through the massive windows set along the pews, but the source of the light was unknown.

    Sakura almost wanted to cry.

    ‘Why won’t it end?’ She clutched at her head, taking deep breaths to calm down. ‘I just want to see Shinji again.’

    The girl wasn’t sure how long she lay down in the compartment, shivering in silence. However, she eventually caught a scent. It was smokey, smelling like trees and old things, like an old musty room. Her quavering slowed, eventually stopping, and she finally looked up from the safety of her arms.

    A wooden door was opening up before her eyes, letting the scent through. Sakura couldn’t see the person on the other side of the door, the brass ringed window was too foggy, but she could make out long hair on the adult on the other side. Maybe a woman? Whoever it was, Sakura didn’t feel any danger from them.

    “Uh,” Sakura called out, standing up. “Hello?”

    The woman on the other end of the door retreated, causing a spike of alarm to jab into her heart. Sakura quickly trotted towards the older woman, holding up a dirty hand.

    “Please don’t run.” Sakura felt weird saying that after tonight, fidgeting and wiping her hand against her dress. The adult paused on the other side of the door, listening to her plea. Sakura nervously licked her mouth, trying to word her thoughts. “I-I don’t, please. Where am I? W-who are you? Did you save me?”

    The woman regarded her in silence from the other end of the door.

    Sakura realized her error, flinching.

    “Sakura. I mean, I’m Sakura Matou, please forgi-”

    “I know.”

    Sakura knew who the woman was when she spoke, and felt her insides twist.

    “You’ve become strong.” Aoi Tohsaka looked serene, walking out from the shadows behind the door. “But I wonder, have you managed to grasp any happiness with that strength?”

    Sakura let out a wordless howl of longing, throwing herself at her mother. She tightly grasped the woman, rocking from side to side. The young girl buried her head in her mother’s thigh, rubbing her cheek against it.

    Unnoticed to Sakura, fog billowed out out past the Aoi, swirling around mother and daughter.

    ***

    The familiar scent coming from the open doorway was ignored.

    Mother and daughter sat on one of the pews, child firmly planted on the older one’s lap.

    “Sakura, you have to keep going forwards.”

    “No.” Sakura’s grip on her mother’s blouse tightened.

    “I didn’t come to chain you down.” Aoi said, stroking her youngest head. “He’s waiting for you.”

    “It hurts. Everything I do goes wrong.” Sakura complained, burying her face into her mother’s stomache. “Why should I go?”

    “You didn’t arrive here because of me,” Aoi tried again, gently nudging Sakura’s head to look up at her. “This is merely an extra benefit. It wasn’t meant to be the only reason you’re here. You must let me go.”

    Sakura looked away from Aoi, looking outside the window.

    A swirling sea of darkness churned just outside. A plane of endless possibility, illuminated briefly by bursts of colorless light which winked out far too soon. Far in the distance, there was a mighty edifice, which only gained definition in that sea thanks to the light around it. A shimmering helix of light flowed into it, pouring into it as the lights died out.

    "It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Aoi asked her. “Your father spent his whole life searching for this.”

    Sakura’s expression darkened.

    “It looks like death.”

    “Or life.” Aoi countered.

    “Am I dead?” Sakura wondered. “Is that why I’m here?”

    “No,” The older woman shook her head, sending her hair falling over Sakura’s shoulders. The scent of half remembered flowers pricked at nostalgia. “There’s no thought then. No emotion. Only oblivion. Untapped potential. We all seek to harness that potential -- each of us, in our own way.”

    “Mommy?” Sakura looked up.

    Aoi’s face was shrouded by a veil of her hair, the shadows within the train. Only a brief hint of her expression could barely made out. It hurt Sakura’s eyes to squint enough to make it out. The train bounced both women slightly, revealing a downwards slant to the older woman’s mouth as lights burst in the sea beyond their window.

    “How do you think strength should be used, Sakura?”

    “Wha-”

    “Matou hurt you, but he could have done far worse, couldn’t he?”

    Images of Kariya’s corpse being dragged beneath a sea of squirming flesh, vanishing as his body was turned into so much feed for the insects.

    “Yes, for all his inhumanity, Matou used his strength with care. He didn’t want to break you. A finely honed edge used to whittle the block of wood into the needed shape.”

    Sakura shuddered, pressing her warm hand against the cold glass next to her. Her fingers were printed on the glass, frost outlining the shape on the window. Another light died away in the distance.

    “Your father’s strength was a double edged sword,” Aoi continued. She glanced down, hands falling to her sides listlessly. “He misdirected his passion. He wound up burning down the tower he built.”

    Aoi pressed her hand up against Sakura, covering hers and trapping it against the glass. The younger girl tried to move her fingers, but the weight against them refused to let them budge. Sakura grunted, flexing her hand against her mother’s grasp, finally breaking free of it.

    Sakura saw a ghost of a sad smile on Aoi’s face in the reflection of the window.

    “Mine could only be used to support others.” The older woman murmured. “I probably wasn’t very strong.”

    Sakura scowled, squirming on Aoi’s lap. She faced Aoi, and immediately denied her assertion the only way that came to mind.

    “Nuh-uh!”

    Aoi chuckled, reaching for the tip of Sakura’s nose.

    “Don’t worry. I’m not trying to undermine myself. I didn’t have much, but the strength I had was all for you three. I wanted to see Tokiomi’s dreams come true. I wanted to live a life full of love. Maybe even learn more about my birth family’s arts and add them to ours.”

    The moment Aoi tapped Sakura’s face, the entire train shuddered around them. An invisible force pulled the girl away from the older woman, overpowering the girl’s attempts to thrash free. Sakura screamed for her mother, but Aoi’s figure grew smaller as she was carted away from the older woman without any signs of stopping.

    “And I’d move the world for you and Rin.”

    “No, I don’t want to go!”

    “Remember,” Aoi implored, willing her words through with her stare alone. “The way that strength is used determines the outcome that you grasp.”

    The door slammed shut, cutting Sakura away from Aoi, as the young girl was carried deeper into the train.

    ***

    A masculine figure, who had kept his back towards Aoi the entire time she had been speaking with Sakura, finally rose. The crimson of his jacket bloomed like a rare flower, illuminated by the dying light outside the window, but withered away in the darkness as he stepped past Aoi and towards the exit to the compartment. Aoi remained silent, and simply watched his back as he followed after Sakura.

    She closed her eyes once he left.

    And waited.

    ***

    A/N: It's pretty easy when you get into the swing of things. Too bad body has limits. Will add more later. Enjoy.
    Spoiler:
    Is it pimping myself out if it's hidden?
    Index of Stories, Conceptual Writing, and Scenes


  4. #1084
    Don't @ me if your fanfic doesn't even have Shirou/Illya shipping k thnx ItsaRandomUsername's Avatar
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    I am both saddened and confused by this recent development. I suppose it's the lot of a Matou to take a trip on the Hallucination Train when things start going bad for them. Correct me if I'm missing out on any of the nuances here, but the vision of the Root partly has to do with the Avenger connection, right?
    McJon01: We all know that the real reason Archer would lose to Rider is because the events of his own Holy Grail War left him with a particular weakness toward "older sister" types.
    My Fanfics. Read 'em. Or not.



  5. #1085
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    Partly. The train trip ends with this segment, though. Just wanted to get some needed downtime. I found it to be too much when I had kept up the tone of first third throughout the rest of the chapter, so I ended it.

    Didn't work out?
    Spoiler:
    Is it pimping myself out if it's hidden?
    Index of Stories, Conceptual Writing, and Scenes


  6. #1086
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle Korburss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VelspertheCat View Post
    ***
    While Shirou ambled a little bit away from the vehicle, Kirei briefly went to talk to the driver, got a canteen from her, and then joined Shirou.
    Eh, this is the only part I didn't like. It might just be because it's after a pause but it felt bland, didn't draw me in, and was a bit too shopping list like. Maybe split it up a bit or some such? Other than that I loved this chapter and I am a sucker for the mysterious dream, which you did perfectly.

  7. #1087
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    I'll rework it once I regain energy, thanks.

    By the way, this is a question for the thread as a whole, do you want me to make the edits directly on these posts? Or edit the iffy parts and then post the clean thing up on ff.net? Or how do you want me to handle it?
    Spoiler:
    Is it pimping myself out if it's hidden?
    Index of Stories, Conceptual Writing, and Scenes


  8. #1088
    I'd say archive the finished version on ffn, because unless you point them out with new posts, people would probably miss the edits to older chapters on BL. Plus there'll be a wider audience other than the people willing to reread them here.


    You might also want to get a mod to fix the thread's title.

  9. #1089
    祖 Ancestor Flere821's Avatar
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    That Mapo sauce in canteen xD I think this is the 1st time I've seen a fanfic use that.
    Quote Originally Posted by Elf View Post
    Elf, dealing fanfic crack for Beast Lair since 2007.
    Quote Originally Posted by Radiantbeam View Post
    Elf: Crack Dealer. Story at eleven.
    'Fae is Foul' - My SAO/ZnT Crossover fanfic (SB Thread) (FFN Link)

  10. #1090
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    ***

    Sakura angrily banged on the inside of the door, spittle flying from her mouth as she even tried to gnash her way back inside.

    Besides the door in front of her, the entirety of the area was warped, the normal buildings of Fuyuki swaying drunkenly around her. Her surroundings sunk deeper into the fog. Old time light poles gutted out from the sides of buildings, bulbous and smelling of gasoline. They groaned and wailed, bleeding tar as new growths came out of them.

    A vending machine bled foliage from within.

    Some video store was sheared in half, the front half of the store turning into a cobblestone road.

    Her surroundings weren’t even trying to make sense now, and Sakura was tired of it.

    The vapor refracted the light, bending her sight like one of those lens - fish-eye lens, a teacher had brought to show her class last month. They had all taken turns looking through it, laughing at the faces the class clowns had made while goofing off with the glass. Shinji had made a joke then, wondering how much her teacher had been putting on airs to show off her family’s wealth, but Sakura had thought it was interesting.

    Sakura froze, jolting like a squirrel struck like a thunderbolt.

    Shinji...

    “I left him alone.” She croaked, voice whispery. “What am I...?”

    Sakura blinked, realizing she was kneeling down in a puddle of mud. It had long since grown cold and hard beneath her. She raised her hands, shocked at how scratched up and bloody they were. The return of lucidity brought along further thoughts, which dazed her as she inspected herself.

    ‘What have I been doing?’ She felt grime in her mouth, and made a face.

    The girl winced, staggering to her feet. Invisible gremlins hammered drums between her ears. Sakura mused that this was one of her more bad moments, while rubbing her head as she recalled the night.

    Retrospection gave her new information, though.

    Sakura looked at her hand, focusing on scratches along the surface. A viscous tar began to bleed through her injuries, causing the girl to hiss in pain. She didn’t stop until she gathered enough material, clenching her fist around the small amount. When she opened her hand, a set of needles were in her hand.

    “Tch. Strength...” Sakura closed her eyes. “I did better than that earlier.”

    Unfortunately, her experiment had to wait.

    Lights shone out from the fog, sweeping wildly through the area. Something was waiting out there for her. No, it had to be those people from before. Whatever they had used to track her, it wasn’t precise enough to find her through this fog. Sakura was a cynic, so she assumed they’d find her sooner than later through sheer numbers.

    ‘What outcome do I want?’

    They weren’t going to let her get back home, not after everything she had done. Grandfather wasn’t going to let her see the light of day if she did managed to go back with Shinji. Her sister, brother, even her Servant.

    She had burned all her bridges.

    “Was I wrong?” She wondered, rubbing her thumb against the metal in her hand. “What do you think, Assassin?”

    Sakura didn’t get an answer from the fog.

    But that was okay.

    “Time to go.” Sakura took a deep breath. The air current shifted, pulling the fog noisily towards the girl. Puffs of condensed mist tried to escape from her, like living beings, but Sakura wouldn’t have any of it.

    As the mist was ripped away from her surroundings, normality returned to Fuyuki. Vending machines went back to being soulless dispensers of commercialism, buildings stopped their attempts at rivaling Van Gogh, the earth went back to being paved over by cement.

    Her actions didn’t go unnoticed, as the lights that had been weaving around were most definitely heading towards her now.

    But it was not a one way street.

    The mist churning in her belly had felt the presence of the boy that she had wronged, and the priest that had wronged her.

    Sakura broke out in a heavy sweat, wheezing for breath by the time the last of the fog returned to her. She glanced down at her skin, and saw freshly healed injuries, pinked over flesh where gaping wound existed. The girl sighed in relief, and chose to ignore the brief puff of visible smoke that escaped her mouth.

    The girl grasped the needles in her hands.

    ‘I have to end it.’

    “Sorry, Shinji.” Sakura apologized, more for herself than anything. “I learned all the wrong things from Grandfather. No, I’m more like Grandfather than I expected. But I’m going to see you off to school tomorrow.”

    She charged into the night.

    ***

    Myouzawa Memorial Library was the name of the building that had been built in the aftermath of the Fuyuki Fire. A series of incidents had left the old municipal library open to looting. Not only had the library lost a great amount of its texts, but the building had been damaged enough to create a need for a new building to be erected.

    However, the city hadn’t been very good with the appropriation of funds. The new location, stuck in the middle of nowhere, wasn’t appealing since it was far from bus routes. It now sat as an embarrassment to the city council.

    While it was certainly a waste of money, the large open area was perfect for their needs. Currently, it was hosted to a veritable platoon of mercenaries, alongside Kirei Kotomine and Shirou Emiya.

    The youngest of the group wasn’t too much into local politics, but Taiga had told Shirou that this building had been created in the wake of the city moving funds around to rebuild the district that had been burnt to ashes.

    Curious, Shirou had asked Kirei about the timing, and the older man had gotten a strange smile on his face.

    “There’s all kinds of Heroic Spirits in this world, young man.” He had left it at that, causing Shirou to think about his own Berserker.

    The teenager was already missing her, but further consideration was paused. The stud earring that Shirou had been given was blaring a dangerous message. Sakura Matou, the little girl that had stuffed herself in his kitchen a few days ago, was breaking through their lines and heading straight for them.

    The young man shifted on his feet, hearing several bottles jingle in the sack around his shoulders. One of the priest’s spare keys awkwardly rested in his hand, distracting the teenager as he tapped his fingers against the flat of the blade.

    “Let’s see if Misaya’s vanity is deserved.” A stout man growled next to Shirou, lengths of coil rolling down his arms. “She better get that damn Hero back on her feet and here fast.”

    Kirei said nothing, manifesting a set of weapons he had called Black Keys.

    Shirou angled himself so he could be the first to see the girl’s approach.

    Sakura was a blur, moving with a new strength, and darting around the gunfire. The magus charging them detonated one of the few mines that had been set down ahead of time, but somehow dove through the flames only with first or second degree burns instead of being torn to shreds.

    An alchemist was sent crashing to the earth, courtesy of a set of needles that Shirou could only barely make out.

    ‘Her eyes are clear,’ The realization caused Shirou to instinctively take a similar bearing to the priest he had fallen behind to stand with. ‘She’s serious.’

    “That’s fine.”

    Kirei briefly glanced at Shirou, who had just muttered that out loud. The priest watched in interest as the young man’s stare grew smokey as he stared towards the incoming girl. What he saw made Kirei’s lips curl up.

    “Nearly everything that Kiritsugu left was burned away.” Shirou said, stepping forwards past Kirei. “But I will carry on the most important thing he left me for many more days to come, Sakura Matou!”
    Spoiler:
    Is it pimping myself out if it's hidden?
    Index of Stories, Conceptual Writing, and Scenes


  11. #1091
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    Detailing for next chapter begins, please stand by.
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  12. #1092
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle Korburss's Avatar
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    I'm really liking the tragic monster angle your playing up and how much this feels like its building up to death. Fallen Sakura moving to fight the hero and his darker allies, regrets and madness seeping into her. I'm seriously curious to see how this is going to end and what effect it'll have on Shirou.

    Quote Originally Posted by VelspertheCat View Post
    spittle flying from her mouth as she even tried to gnash her way back inside.
    I'd recommend getting rid of the "even", has more impact without.

    Quote Originally Posted by VelspertheCat View Post
    but somehow dove through the flames only with first or second degree burns instead of being torn to shreds.
    I'd say getting rid of 'somehow' and the specifics of 'first or second degree' and generalizing as 'with only burns' it flows better as we are following the narration of an intense moment and shouldn't be paying attention to the little specifics or maybe thats just me.

  13. #1093
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    Fate/Stay Night and its spin offs are properties of Type-Moon, Nitroplus, Image Epoch. All additional references belong to their respective companies.

    Chapter 17: inflection point

    Rin Tohsaka ruffled her hair, messing it up thoroughly. She blew locks of it out of her eyes, angry at herself. The results, inscribed on the gemstones she had arranged on the table before her, refused to change.

    Another failure.

    The structural features that she'd replicated from her mother’s soul had again degraded to uselessness.

    Rin had done all the prep work, and had deployed a fairly robust bounded field to isolate her mother from the outside world prior to the write procedure. It wasn't perfect, but with one anchor gem in each of the four corners of the room, Rin was able to replicate the information from her mother's soul into an array of gems without too much interference from Alaya. It would have been helpful if she could use her mother's mind as a reference, but the shambles that remained of her personality had become too broken over the years to be of much practical worth.

    How could she revive her like this?

    It was a catch-22: Soul and body needed one another. The flesh gave form to the architecture of the soul, but it was from the soul itself that the blueprint was to be derived. And yet, neither the flesh nor the soul inherently contained a complete schematic for the sum of their parts. The human that came to be was born of their interaction.

    “What’s wrong?” She demanded, past the point of frustration. “Is it spiritual contamination from the others? I already have the best room possible. There’s too many sick people there, maybe. Or someone’s lingering regrets.”

    Her complaints bounced back, mocking her with how empty they were.

    Rin sagged back into her old seat, causing it to squeak. She silently felt along the edges of the seat. Gouged on it, and hidden from the world, was an old groove that Rin had accidentally put on the chair when she was small.

    It had been back when her father was still alive.

    The girl had tried to store a little magic in a quartz to pass one of his tests, when it had detonated on Rin. Father had very seriously asked her if she knew what had gone wrong. Flustered from both her failure and the damage, she had lied to Father and blamed the gem for causing the incident.

    He hadn’t been pleased.

    The magus swore to keep the chair, as a reminder to never make excuses. It jabbed at her as she lounged in the chair, causing Rin to sigh as she shook her head. No, it wasn’t an outside force that made her fail.

    It was Rin Tohsaka’s lack of skill.

    She refused to consign her only other living relative to another broken existence.

    At times like these, Rin became irrationally angry with Kirei Kotomine.

    The girl threw out a skilled jab, causing air pressure to flow around her fist. Tightly packed prana was released, making it a blow strong enough to cave a man’s chest if it was applied to the right spot. Kirei had made sure to point out just the right spots to the girl, with other helpful descriptions on how to break someone down.

    ‘He can teach me how to fight,’ She darkly thought. ‘But doesn’t know what I did when I was twelve.’

    It was aggravating. It was a waste of talent. It was insulting that a man that her father had taken as an apprentice was both so wise and so foolish at the same time.

    Kirei was a person who could have been a great man, but intentionally curbed his own growth. What he knew was shined to perfection, but he cared very little to learn things that didn’t interest him.

    Unfortunately, this meant that Rin had to teach herself once she had learned as much as she could from the priest. This left gaping holes in her education -- holes that she realized could only be fixed by another magus.

    Or even those alchemists that served Kirei, and worked with him to police the region.

    Rin grit her teeth. She refused to beg for any aid. Her position was already terribly weak, and the last thing she needed was for a coup.

    What was one girl against an army?

    “At least I know Sakura is alright,” Rin muttered. Yes, she would be well taken care of by the Matou. With a family backing her, she must be shining so wonderfully by now. Much more than Rin was doing right now.

    The magus leaned forwards, pressing up against her desk and giving her upper back a rest from the unmerciful wooden back of her seat. She pressed her cheek against the book she had been reading. “She’ll be starting middle school soon, huh?”

    A copy of “The Form of Man”, by Victor Von Frankenstein stared back at her. It remained as mystifying and obtuse as always. Yet that would never stop Rin Tohsaka from taking that knowledge for herself.

    She’d get a perfect record of her mother yet, and save her with her own two hands.

    If her theory on the transcription of the soul panned out, she’d be seen as strong. Strong enough to never worry about being overthrown again.

    ***
    Last edited by VelspertheCat; October 27th, 2014 at 10:49 PM.
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  14. #1094
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle Korburss's Avatar
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    Dang, interesting character bit but I'm quite eager to get back into the fight. Nothing to complain about but one little error, great job, you seem to be getting into the "flow" faster and I could have picked up from last update without noticing.

    Quote Originally Posted by VelspertheCat View Post
    was an old groove that Rin had accidentally put on the chair when she had small.

  15. #1095
    Fanart is just another form of Fanfic Fan_Fic_Reader's Avatar
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    You're on a roll!
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  16. #1096
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    Damn, we went from Fridge-Kun to Sakura giving in fully due to tragic misunderstandings.
    Not exactly what I'd expect from Ol'Vesper.
    Quote Originally Posted by Techlology View Post
    IDEA:
    Alternate-UBW end, Kotomine wins, Shirou dies with Gilgamesh.
    Rin and Saber have hot lesbian sex as the world burns down around them.
    "I've never been with a woman, Rin."
    "Neither have I."
    "I've never been with a man either."
    "Well, just think. What would Emiya do?"
    "What do you-"
    "Exactly!"

    ------
    This is the way the world ends
    ------
    "So, what do you say? Don't want to die a virgin, right?"
    "But Rin, you are not-"
    "Just shut up and fuck me!"

    ------
    Not with a whimper but an "OHGODOOOOOHHRIGHTTHER-"
    ------

  17. #1097
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    ***

    Sakura acknowledged Shirou Emiya’s words, but couldn’t return them. All her focus was split between maintaining the haze of mist that thickly clung to her body, and staying just ahead of her attackers.

    Bullets grazed her, leaving itching reminders of near misses, and she responded with equal force.

    Was this power?

    Unlike her, they went down as her needles struck deep.

    How terrible. She could see why grandfather had turned into what he had become.

    Sakura zigzagged around their conventional weapons, wondering why she had so much trouble.

    How wonderful, no one could ever hurt her like this.

    The front line collapsed, and Sakura left a line of shattered bodies. She continued her charge, rapidly approaching a new line of defenders. Thinking they would fall as easily as the first, she readied her needles.

    The dance renewed, with the same steps as last time, but-

    Sakura’s mouth gaped like a fish, seeing as a flurry of silver strings musically warbled in the path of her needles and knocked them aside. She tried to focus, but her pace was thrown off. Sakura paid for that as a truck came flying towards her from the side, bearing a heavy mass of flashing electronics and metals.

    It skidded at the last moment, tires digging furrows into the grass as it just avoided plunging into the mist.

    A bronzed love child of an old bullhorn and an eagle swiveled on top of the truck and screeched towards her. Sakura’s world was rocked as the earth erupted beneath her, hacking out blood as she was thrown into the air. Her mist thinned to provide almost no cover to her as she wildly tumbled through the air.

    The earth’s pull caught her momentarily, dragging her back towards the earth.

    ‘No!’

    Sakura’s legs trembled, and her joints squeaked, but she had managed to right herself at the last moment.

    ‘Thank go-guh!’

    Her relief was short lived, as the crack of a bullet tagged her.

    Sakura’s vision went red.

    ***

    A truck burned in the background.

    “Argh! Get her off me!” A blonde haired woman screamed, grappling with the monster. The girl opposing him growled, slowly winning their contest of strength. A gouging knife moved closer towards his gut.

    At their feet was a discarded gun, and several well placed bullet wounds scarred Sakura’s side.

    They were slowly closing.

    A set of flaming cords snapped towards her back, crushing cement into dust and unleashing a dust explosion.

    While not fast enough to catch the girl, who had heard them at the last moment, it was enough to break off her attack. Her small figure flew into the air, raining smaller needles down on the shooter and her stout defender.

    Shirou and Kirei took advantage of that moment, rushing the girl.

    Sakura ran her hand down wounds and flung large spheres at them. Both men darted to the sides, breaking away from each other, as the blobs exploded into spiked masses. The younger girl tried to follow to put them down, but several shafts of silver crashed into the earth before her.

    In the distance, a remotely controlled platform noisily churned as it reloaded and fired straight at her.

    Sakura fired back.

    Both were perforated thoroughly, but only Sakura managed to continue moving afterwards.

    Footsteps rapidly fell upon her.

    Kirei was before Sakura, popping out a punishing uppercut. Light exploded as her vision wildly went upwards, and her focus was shot for a moment. Long enough for the older man to step in and slam his elbow into her chest. Her bones crunched, and she was sent skidding backwards from the priest.

    Mist belched out of her wounds, rapidly knitting her failing body together.

    “Don’t let her complete that!” Someone called out in fear.

    Shots began to miss her as it thickened in response to Sakura’s fear.

    “I don’t think so!” Shirou shouted, standing well away from her. She managed to lever herself up in time to catch him flinging several bottles towards her. A set of sparks jumped from his fingers into the bottles, causing them to violently explode above her.

    Sakura hacked painfully, eyes feeling like they were boiling out of her skull when clouds of chemicals descended.

    It clung onto her mist and refused to let go.

    Only when her vision started darkening, did she decide it wasn’t worth it to keep her healing up. She bellowed, blowing the mist away from her like a hurricane.

    The force was enough to clip a few of the people attacking her, sending them down to the ground.

    Sakura got a brief moment of pleasure when she saw Shirou get knocked back.

    Unfortunately, Kirei wasn’t deterred, and had managed to punch through her unfocused attack by throwing a series of Black Keys in front of him. The deadly missiles pierced the front wave of the attack and flew towards her vitals. Remembering the last time metal had pierced her, Sakura answered the attack with her own knives.

    Steel rang against steel, blue flames bursting from their contact.

    Both of them began to run in parallel, keeping each other in sight and flinging projectiles towards each other. They leapt over some bodies, neither particularly caring to check if they were alive or dead. Both rushed towards the fountain in the center of the library’s plaza.

    “You’ll run out of those soon.” She warned. “I can keep going all night. You have no one else left.”

    “Save your concern, child,” Kirei said. Sakura’s shoulder exploded as a rifle went off in the distance. “I still have backup.”

    Shirou lowered a scoped rifle, standing in the distance with a confused frown. At his feet were the pair of alchemists that Sakura had fought off a few minutes ago. The shooter was motioning towards them to Shirou.

    The girl pressed a hand into her shoulder, feeling her wound bubble and churn.

    Kirei slammed a fist into her gut, smashed her arm into pieces when she tried to defend herself, and smashed a knee into her chin in the time it took her to think on how much her shoulder hurt. He mercilessly kept her unbalanced, destroying her as she fell back.

    In between bursts of pain, Sakura could only helplessly watch as Shirou rushed towards them.

    “Kotomine, out of the way!” The rifle was brought to bear, and Kirei heeded Shirou’s words. Her knees were destroyed, and she fell.

    Mist erupted out of her.

    The rifle resounded again, knocking her down.

    Knives were brought out, but Sakura was slammed against the fountain by a powerful kick.

    Mist. Shot. Fist. Scream.

    Repeat.

    Sakura’s body was a shredded pulp of red, pressed up against the fountain. She still tenaciously clung onto life. But she was too weak to resist at this point, outside of a token effort of angrily staring at her killers.

    “It’s over.” Shirou said, keeping Sakura’s head in line with the rifle. “Where’s Shinji?”

    Sakura stayed quiet.

    “Damnit, where is he?!”

    “So you can kill him?” She sneered. “Like you are going to kill me?”

    “What?” He lowered the rifle a little.

    “Don’t believe in her lies, son.” Kirei spoke up, dragging himself over towards Shirou laboriously. “We have won. This is a final deception from her to turn the tides. We have to finish what we started or the lives lost until now would have been pointless.”

    “Is that right?” Shirou asked, searching Sakura’s eyes for any sign of deception.

    Sakura glared back.

    Shirou threw Kirei the Black Key he had been carrying.

    “Take it,” Shirou said. “Purify her with this or whatever it is you people do.”

    “Thank you.” Kirei sighed, a little bit too fast in his motions. “It is not nearly as effective without a blessed weapon.”

    The priest turned towards Sakura, eyes gleaming as he lowered the Black Key towards her.

    Sakura closed her eyes in resignation.

    A rifle clicked behind him.

    “Hey,” Shirou mused out loud, pressing the barrel against Kirei’s back. “Maybe we should all calm down?”

    “...I’m seeing a little of your father in you now.” Kirei said, distaste in his tone. “What of our prior agreement?”

    Sakura’s eyes flew open, thunderstruck.

    “Hi again,” Shirou said. “I’m a magus. I’m also the guy that ate with you alongside your brother. Tell me what the hell your problem is with me?”

    ***

    Parts of the cocoon dried up under the flame, falling out in clumps.

    Misaya tensed, ready to throw her etherlite once Berserker was exposed.

    “That isn’t yours to take.” A wheezing, needling voice said. Misaya and the alchemists cried out as a wave of electricity slammed into their unguarded backs, sending them helplessly convulsing. From the shadows of the woods stepped out an old man, hawkish expression pleased as he saw them writhe on the ground.

    Misaya’s eyes widened, watching him handle Maiden’s Chastity directly with his bloody hands.

    “Trai-”

    “Good night.” He swung the mace a second time, unleashing another burst of electricity. The earring he wore, an identical one to hers, gleamed from the flash unleashed from Maiden’s Chastity.

    ***

    The cocoon shattered, dumping a dazed Berserker onto the ground.

    She looked miserable, dress shredded in multiple places.

    Dark splots on her skin.

    Even her horn looked dulled, almost on the verge of rusting over.

    Berserker anxiously looked around, seeing the unconscious figures of the alchemists. The Heroic Spirit dragged herself along the muddy ground, ruining her dress even further as she looked for a particular person.

    “M-Master?” She moaned, trembling as she pushed a body aside. “Whe-where are you...?”

    Berserker twitched, looking around the area aimlessly.

    “Well, this is a sad sight.” Victor spoke up behind her. “I would pity you, if I didn’t know what you were.”

    A rock shattered in Berserker’s grip.

    “M-mas-Father?” Berserker perked up, woodenly turning towards the old man. “No, yes, maybe?”

    Victor Von Frankenstein grimly smiled, watching as her gaze wobbled.

    “I need you. Perhaps for the first time in your miserable existence. Stand up, and take me to your Master.” He walked up towards her, slamming the mace down in front of her.

    “Ssssherou?” She warbled happily.

    “Is there still enough of her in you to understand?” Her father grabbed hold of her face, looking ill at ease at having to do it. “Carry me to him. I’ll take care of things for you from there. You can just lie there like a useless log once you ferry me.”

    Berserker moaned, staring at him blankly.

    “Your mate is going to die if you don’t stand up.”

    She jerked in place, standing up.

    “That’s right.” Victor scowled, fighting back a shudder as Berserker took him in her cold, clammy arms. “You’ll move for that, won’t you?”

    The Heroic Spirit leapt.

    ***
    Last edited by VelspertheCat; November 1st, 2014 at 07:30 PM.
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  18. #1098
    Fanart is just another form of Fanfic Fan_Fic_Reader's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VelspertheCat View Post
    Chapter
    Gotta keep posting, or I'll die. Sort of like a shark.
    Again, nice chapter. I am happy that Shirou was able to use a rifle.
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  19. #1099
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle Korburss's Avatar
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    Great fight, wonderful characterization, and most importantly Franky's back.

    I particularly liked the brief dialogue between Sakura, Shirou, and Kirei. You can nearly feel what their going through and Shirou's hero moment just felt smooth, not needing internal dialogue or extremely detailed description to convey the Shirou-ness of the moment. The fight was just the right amount of chaos and description of the chaos that it felt like a battle without making it confessing or slowing down my reading speed.

    That said, there was one minor part that I could take issue with.

    Quote Originally Posted by VelspertheCat View Post
    Mist.

    Shot.

    Fist.

    Scream.

    Repeat.
    I'd recommend condensing this into one sentence. When it is spread out like that it tends to read slowly and suddenly going slow after the fast battle (While still describing it.) is a bit odd, while a single sentence makes it read faster and keeps up the pacing. I should also say that very few authors, much less fanfic writers, can pull off suddenly switching to multiple one word summery of a fight without suddenly yanking the reader out of the prose but you did it.

    Quote Originally Posted by VelspertheCat View Post
    “Hi again,” Shirou said. “I’m a magus. I’m also the guy that ate with you alongside your brother. Tell me what the hell your problem is with me?”

    Parts of the cocoon dried up under the flame, falling out in clumps.

    Misaya tensed, ready to throw her etherlite once Berserker was exposed.
    I'm guessing you missed a separation.

  20. #1100
    Whew! About to slip down. VelspertheCat's Avatar
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    Yeah, missed the scene breaker in that part. Added it in, and took your advice for the multi actions. Originally the combat scene was what caused the writing to be delayed. Hard to make the scene read busy, but not have it turn into a gibbering mess.
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