Servant/Project Idea Thread, "The Womb"

[Dragolord09]

Ah, my apologies. I wasn't paying attention to the replies as I was busy doing other things. Anyway to give more context to my newest idea for the pile, the dog warriors I was talking about come from the Japanese novel Nansō Satomi Hakkenden, written by the newest release of the FGO Servant crowd: one Kyokutei Bakin. They are the eight reborn children of the late Princess Fuse who commonly have family names including the character for '犬' (Inu, dog), each one have a peony shaped bruise somewhere on their body, and a bead of Japamala with the characters for humanity, justice, courtesy, wisdom, loyalty, sincerity, filial piety and obedience.

[DelRey]

Actually relating to that, I had an idea for a few servant sheets, and was wondering if I could get a second opinion on it.

The idea is essentially that the eponymous Brothers Grimm were the final mages of a dying lineage, both born with issues. For Jacob, it was an abysmal circuit count, while for Wilhelm, it was a horrifically bad reaction to using his circuits. Part of the reason for all their siblings was their father desperately trying for a child without their issues, but failing.

Eventually, Jacob would inherit the crest, while Wilhelm went on to a short lived but highly active career as an enforcer. This would go on to influence their retelling of fairytales, as Wilhelm used some as a way of alleviating his guilt.

The reason for all this hoop jumping is a excuse for a series of fairytale sheets with a large influence of type moon magecraft, as the people who Wilhelm encountered have their existence combined with the phantoms of fairy tales, partially due to the Brothers Grimm tales often becoming very influential of those stories.

The first example, and the sheet I'm working on at the moment, is Little Red Riding Hood(Berserker), where the little girl was actually a young magus being used as a test subject/weapon by her grandma against her will, killing her tormentor and in exchange being killed by Wilhelm in a final confrontation.

interesting ideas. check out god of world-0 and their sheets. they made some unusual sheets about fairytale characters. overall we have the fairytale section to get some inspiration. But to remember that these stories existed beforehand and were gathered. They didnt make them up based on their experiences.

[Legendary Hero of the Chain]

interesting ideas. check out god of world-0 and their sheets. they made some unusual sheets about fairytale characters. overall we have the fairytale section to get some inspiration. But to remember that these stories existed beforehand and were gathered. They didnt make them up based on their experiences.

Thanks, and yeah, World 0 usually has some great stuff so fair on that referral. I'll try to keep that in mind, trying to balance the true fairy tale character and the tragedy hidden within so that I'm not making it look like the tale was from the tragedy, just that the tragedy fits with the tale.

Current idea on that front has a lot of Riding Hoods skills be things derived from fairytales or their nature, with all her NP's having a heavy tie with the stories, or just being their crystallization.

[Cursed by Fortuna]

0

[Ismail2002]

This would be a good start. But, to elaborate evil eyes mostly seemingly had to do with a superstition about malevolent glares or looks, particulalry those given when the target was unaware being able cause harm, injury, or misfortune. In this way you could also link the concept with similar ideas modern ideas such as the phrases "glaring daggers" or "if looks could kill" and myths like Medusa, or Balor's magic eye.


Also based on one of my more favorite fact sphere quotes.

"In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this."


While the first part is actually untrue, the concept of it, stealing thoughts is something that alongside reading thoughts (and possibly altering thoughts) is something that seemingly would seem probable for mages to be able to do (as they can already manipulate the memory and behavior of people and we know that reading minds is possible for them).

The evil eye can also as mentioned can possibly harken to a ancient form of casting curses rather than just mystic eyes and such, as do note the primary aspects of the evil eye myth were "the eye" itself and the "malevolent or dark thoughts, emotions, and intentions of the person who gave the look". Plus this would fit with amulets and artifacts being made to ward off the evil eye similar to trying to ward off or redirect curses. So you could have a curse user (which I'm going to use a rocket analogy) who basically uses their emotions as a sort of fuel, to power and launch curses (ala rockets) from her eye (launch platform), but is limited in that he/she can only use this method of attack against what they can see (with invisible foes, foes that can turn into spiritual form, being in total darkness or blinding lights being obvious weaknesses), and these curses can be mitigated or redirected by varying means.

Thanks, for the tip. It solidifies my concept as change it a bit an Anti-Evil Eye Artificial Mystic Eye that can can detect spirits and curses by seeing the negative emotions that they admitted as an aura with a monotone color change the dark it is the heinous the thoughts are. It can also be use to dispel curses by filtering out their mana. I based these on the Middle East Version of the Evil Eye more so their charm amulets Nadzar and Hamsa

[DelRey]

a suggestion for Kamera, Ismail or anyone that is confident in pulling off a persian musician

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safi_al-Din_al-Urmawi

[NINE-lives]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logos_(Christianity)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philo%..._God#The_Logos

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_K...e_Christianity

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Insān_al-Kāmil

@skull: You asked what skills would represent the divine power of Jesus Christ. I feel that this may be of interest to you.

[Legendary Hero of the Chain]

So, just hoping on any opinions before posting the Red Riding Hood sheet, here are the lore, skills and NP. Just wanting a few more pairs of eyes on my most iffy sections before I put it on the main thread.

Lore

Little Red Riding Hood. A tale known the world over, with numerous variations but a few consistent beats, at least in more recent years:A Protagonist, denoted by something Red.
A Wolf, conniving and crafty, tricking the victim and endangering another
A Victim, unaware of the story going on around them, yet ever so central.
And a Hero, swooping in to save the Bystander and Victim from the maw of the Wolf.


It’s deepest roots reach into the wolves of ragnarok, with bright Little Red representing either the sun goddess Sol, or the general guiding light of the gods, which would be consumed and forever extinguished by Sköll or Fenrir, although in the latter’s case it is not as direct, as while he does not devour all the gods, he eats the leader of the gods and so shatters the status quo.


However, the addition of aspects like the Hero has changed parts of the fundamental meaning from endings, to cycles, as once consumed they would eventually be released once more. Or the Victim to a warning tale of how one’s actions can have consequences that affect others. Even the shift of the nature of some of the original aspects, such as the wolf to a werewolf introducing the meaning of the danger of the supernatural in corrupting the mundane, has further distorted the base meaning of the tale.


This story, hundreds of years old, finds its anthropomorphisation in the girl, Little Red Riding Hood, and her lupine Noble Phantasm, the wolf. The version that would be the ‘true history’ according to the servant would be that written by the Brothers Grimm, more specifically that which was published in 1857. Or at least the first half, as the servant possesses no memory of the second wolf. Really, she has little memory of anything after the death of the first wolf.


Some of her reactions may even speak to things missing from her definitive ‘true history’...


…and there is.


In reality, the core that the phantoms making up the story wrap around is a young magus girl who lived from the late 18th to early 19th century. The heir of a Germanic mage family, she was chosen to succeed her great grandmother and so was instructed to study directly under her during the Crest implantation period and until she, the great grandmother, passed.


In reality, the great grandmother, disgusted by the progressive weakness displayed by the majority of her family and believing that her great granddaughter, with her great ability, was a statistical anomaly in the downward generational spiral, had decided something. She would invalidate the need for more descendants, by making herself immortal. However, such a procedure would be risky, but if one of similar constitution to her was used to produce a successful result, she could limit risk. And perhaps retain the single worthwhile descendant.


Having decided to use her great granddaughter as a testbed for her method to do so, she experimented on the young girl, temporarily transforming her into a beastly form that idealised the family’s consumption magecraft. Each time the girl visited for a lesson and implantation, she was torturously experimented on under the guise of preparing her. Then given the smallest piece of the crest possible to maintain the illusion.


Eventually, the strength of the transformation would plateau. In a bid to push her research further, to truly complete it, the great grandmother used the child as a weapon. Attacking other mage families whose knowledge could be the pieces she needed, she brought upon her the gaze of the mages association and a certain local enforcer, Wilhelm Grimm.


All the while, the girl tried to fight against her grandmother, hating what she did to her and the acts she had performed. However, the transformation suppressed her mind whilst in effect, one of the failings. Furthermore, mind controlling magecraft was used to manipulate her, although its effects grew weaker as the research progressed.


In the end, an attack was planned against the great grandmother. In the run up to this attack, the girl met Wilhelm, who, unaware of her magus nature, tried to keep the girl from the conflict, but ultimately failed.


During the confrontation, the girl was used against the enforcers. However, the strength of the transformation was beyond the magecraft made to bind her, and her rage was turned back on her tormentor. Butchering her great grandmother, the now mindless girl began indiscriminately killing all those around her.


Wilhelm was able to trick the girl into a nearby lake, using magecraft to increase her weight and insure she drowned. Whilst skinning her to prove success, she transformed back into the girl he had met.


The horror of this event would later influence the retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, or to be exact Little Red Cap, that was published in his and his brother’s books.

Skills

Class Skills: Little Red:
Mad Enhancement: E
The class skill of the Berserker class, at this rank Little Red receives no bonuses to any of her parameters, while retaining an, admittedly warped, sense of reason.


All things that pass through her mind are refocused through the lens of a child. Topics of an adult nature, like the intricacy of business or advanced science, turn into literal gibberish. This applies if it is witnessed, heard or even read. Essentially, this skill makes it impossible for her to comprehend any concept that would be beyond the scope of a naive child, crafting her into the persona of the Protagonist at the very start of the tale.


An odd addition is the fact that Little Red is incapable of perceiving the Wolf outside any secondary source. She could see him in a mirror or a picture, but not with her own eyes. This part strangely affects the Wolf as well, although in reverse.


Magic Resistance: C
Despite not being a usual class skill for a Berserker, Little Red is in possession of a middling rank of this due to the Wolf Emblem. Thanks to its operational parameters as a Noble Phantasm, the Wolf is capable of solidifying the age and mystique of the fairy tale as a defensive aura around Little Red. It can successfully overwhelm magecraft of less than two verses.


Thanks to the inability to perceive each other, alongside the inherent disorientation of the class, it is very much a brute forced procedure that lacks in efficiency, and therefore results in lacking defensive power.


The Wolf:
Mad Enhancement: A+
Within the form of the wolf, the Mad Enhancement level Little Red possesses gets kicked up several notches. At this rank, all parameters receive a rank up, and while most of her reason is ripped away for the vast majority of time, there are periods where she regains her reason.


For Little Red, those times are during, and for a period after, she has consumed something that counts as sustenance for her, which considering her Devouring Engine skill, is a lot. During these times of reason, she still receives her rank up


Personal Skills:

Mana Burst(Wind): B
Little Red is capable of suffusing mana dense air currents around her body. While the power of these winds is even enough to generate lift for her form, her low mana rank heavily influences her usage of this skill, limiting it to short, sudden bursts so as to not exhaust herself.


While this doesn’t impact her outward usage of this skill in offensive and utilitarian instances, it means defensively she requires perfect timing for it to be of any help. Of course this is within normal usage parameters. In desperate situations, she will run it till utter exhaustion so as to push it for every benefit.
(Available in both forms)



Little Red:
Emblems of Fairy Tales: -
Despite possessing the very emblems that make up this skill, and even the granted skills, it does not seem as if this skill is actually… working


Normally, this skill would be a sibling to one such as Imperial Privilege, allowing heroes whose roots rest in fairytales to utilise all facets of their story. More specifically, it includes other characters of the tales, and by extension skills most applicable to them, into the saint graph. Where its sibling grants a large number of standard skills the spirit would have no way of possessing, this gives a smaller number of esoteric skills that have an innate relation to the spirit.


The emblems and skills usually falling under this skill for Red Riding Hood would be:
The Protagonist Emblem- Red Feature- Shapeshifting(Red)
The Victim Emblem- A Baked Good- Feast
The Huntsman Emblem- A Huntsman Figure- Aptitude for Slaughter(Huntsman)/Noble Phantasm
The Wolf Emblem- A Wolf Plush- Magic Resistance/Noble Phantasm


Shapeshifting(Red): D
Possessing this skill at such a low rank limits shapeshifting to only to forms that are possible in the human body without major surgery.


Due to the extremely variable nature of the appearance of Red Riding Hood, there can be no claim to any singular definitive appearance. Due to this, all but one aspect of her appearance has become malleable. That one aspect is her recognisable red feature. To be specific, no matter what form Berserker may take, she must still possess a very easily identifiable feature that is red, such as red hair, a red cloak or a red hat. This skill is granted to her by her Protagonist Emblem


Feast: D
A skill somewhat unique to Little Red, it specialises in making the process of gaining mana from that which is consumed far more beneficial. Using this skill grants the user two benefits, a rank of Independent Action equal to that of this skill, and a plus modifier to their mana stat. These bonuses last depending on the rank at this skill.


At this level, Little Red has to functionally eat as often as a normal human if she wants to gain its benefits constantly. This means it is active for about six hours after each time she eats. Drawing from the common connection of food to the Victim, this skill finds it source in the Victim Emblem


Aptitude for Slaughter(Huntsman): B-
At once a more limited, and more expansive version of the tools variation of this skill. This skill grants its bearer bonuses to attack when wielding items that would be related to the concept of a huntsman. In exchange for this limit, the damage bonuses affect all within the animal kingdom, including those of a more phantasmal nature.


This skill is granted to her through the Hero’s aspect of the fairy tale, and therefore is connected to the Huntsman Emblem she carries. Due to Little Red’s nature, she finds the manipulation of the huntsman’s tools to be somewhat alien. This is only further weakened by her madness inhibiting the knowledge she gains from the Huntsman to teach her how to use them.


Wolf:
Devouring Engine(Magical Energy): C-
A skill that represents one's fundamental nature as a devourer, and something that indulges that nature by granting them boons for doing so. The principle of consumption, something that her great grandmother tried so desperately to make resonate with Little Red’s blood. Where in life it was a failure, the amalgamated Noble Phantasm that is the Fragment of the End of a Mythos has succeeded to engrave this mandate onto her saint graft.


What this does practically is grant Little Red a B rank in Magic Resistance, as this form allows her to outright consume the magic used against her, although magecraft that is more complex is too hard to break down in time, explaining why the ability to just eat it doesn’t push it higher and the minus modifier.


It also causes an overburn to occur, boosting three of Little Red’s traits(Skills or Parameters). However due to the instability of the engraving, it does not last for as long as it should. While enhancing as many abilities as a C rank, it has the duration of a D rank, that being a few minutes.


Shapeshifting(Lupine): C
The ability to shift one's form freely. At this rank, inhuman characteristics begin to be possible.


Part due to its derivation of fairytale, part because of its partial nature of shadow, and part its vampiric nature, Little Red is now capable of taking up impossibly large and light forms, shapes possessing more appendages than it should, or even granting herself multiple heads, she is capable of reaching any low tier phantasmal trait as long as it fits one restriction. She needs to remain vaguely wolflike.


Fallen Demon: D
The skill that proves one is a man made demon, improving a number of factors thanks to this status of existence, such as defence and resistance against abnormal status.


While in life Little Red was never fully a demonic entity, the experiments she went through slowly stripped her of her humanity, and her nature granted to her by that Noble Phantasm, combined with her death in this inhuman form, solidifies her as a demon, for as much of a demon one of those bloodsuckers can be defined. The technicalities of her gaining this are most of the reason for its very low rank.

Noble Phantasm

Huntsman's Heroic Intervention: Cycle of Union and Separation, Cleave Once MoreAnti-Unit(Self): C+
Max Number of Targets: 1
Range: Contact


The axe that saved Little Red in legend, splitting the stomach of the Wolf and allowing the Protagonist and Victim to escape a messy end. This crystallisation is stored within the wooden figure of the huntsman and fills the Emblem, being unleashed from inside when required.


This axe is a constantly active Noble Phantasm that possesses two separate effects. The first exists hand in hand with the skill granted by the emblem. While the main form of the axe is never lost, it can gain features and functions allowing it access to the equipment of a huntsman, from skinning knives to trapping gear, crossbows to rifles, all tools are available. Simply put, this shifting weapon grants its wielder what is needed to use their skills, just like the Huntsman possessed the tools to bring down the wolf in any incarnation.


However, that is not what gives this sublimation its power. No, that comes from the very nature of the Huntsman that this Phantasm draws from. An inconstant addition to the tale, it is a human addition to a story whose roots are divine, one that shifted its meaning from an eventual finality to an eternal cycle. It is essentially a grand ritual created to overturn an ending, incapable of doing so because it requires more strength than it had, and because the will of humanity no longer needs the story that came before the ending.


The second aspect of this Noble Phantasm is the ability to split one into two, even though it is fated to become one once more. To elaborate, it acts like a monomolecular blade from fiction, capable of cutting through anything by changing the nature of what it touches from united to split. Furthermore, that which is forcefully combined to begin with, such as a certain Avenger or the Great Detectives Foe, will suffer a time where they are out of synch, and so the aspects that can be called grafted onto a main whole will be weakened. After all, that is what it does for Little Red.


However, this is not an all powerful effect. For one, the effect is weaker than it should be due to something that lurks too close to the surface in Berserker, distracting its power. Furthermore, as there is no aspect that halts reunion of that which is split, regeneration, healing and such easily undo that which is done. Finally, and probably most glaringly, this Noble Phantasm can be trumped by simple magic resistance, being weakened and even negated depending on the Rank of the skill the opponent possesses and its interaction with grand rituals.


Fairytale Wolf: The Darkness that Lurks Beyond Children's Eyes
Anti-Unit: B
Max Number of Targets: 20
Range: 1~99


The Wolf that antagonised Little Red was too central to the tale to be left behind, so he too has come along. His looming presence is contained within the shadows inside the wolf plush of the Wolf Emblem.


The wolf essentially acts like a second servant, although due to its manifestation using shadow the Wolf is incapable of physically interacting with the world through physical means. Due to this servant-like nature, the wolf possesses the skills Animal Communication(Because why would an animal be unable to speak to animals), Shapeshift(A shadow has no true form) and Magic Resistance(Living facet of a legend with hundreds of years of history) at the same rank as this noble phantasm. Furthermore, its incorporeal nature makes it so that, while sufficient damage can disperse it, you cannot permanently destroy the Wolf without eliminating the Wolf Emblem's ability to contain shadows.


These facets make the wolf a fantastic scouting unit, gathering information for the master so as to better prepare for offensive operations. However, these utilitarian aspects are not the end of the Wolf’s abilities. Drawing forth a mystery that hides in the very depths of its nature, it can make it so the shadows it is formed from is capable of ‘digesting’ that which it swallows in shadow.


The rate of ‘digestion’ depends on three factors. First, it is faster when acting on something without any magical energy, than something with. Second, being exposed to concepts that a child considers good slows the pace, and actually weakens the wolf as a whole. Third and finally, the wolf has an odd interaction with divinity, the more one possesses… the faster it works.


Fairytale Wolf/Lupine Apostle: Fragment of the End of a Mythos
Anti-Unit(Self): B+
Max Number of Targets: 1
Range: 1~10


A second form of the Fairytale Wolf, only activatable when the Huntsman Emblem is fully deactivated and handed off to the master. With the grand ritual of separation no longer affecting it, that secret that lurks so close to the surface fully manifests. To put it succinctly, Wilhelm Grimm made a mistake attaching this girl to this fairy tale.


A Foundation of Heaven within a Crest that Little Red possesses, a Devouring Deity residing within the roots of the tale, and a Mandate of Consumption engraved upon her Saint Graph. These three facts combined produce twin results.


A Fairytale Werewolf Acting as a Phantom of Fenris Wolf
&
A Lupine Dead Apostle in Possession of an Ideal Blood of Consumption


Thanks to this, Little Red becomes a werewolf made of blood and shadow, with a factor of regeneration that matches the curse of an apostle and the shadowy consumptive powers of the original Fairy Tale wolf. Furthermore, at a great cost of energy, Little Red may perform a true name release to produce a zone of perfect circumstance.


In this case, that causes all inorganic matter and energy to be converted to magical energy for Little Red’s consumption. This even affects the energy released by Noble Phantasms such as the Sword of the Sun or Arc of Triumph, stripping at maximum a tenth of their strength for usage. This reenactment of Fenris’s own role in Ragnarok is fittingly hidden behind the true name Dämmerung.


Regardless of all this strength, an imperfect form still produces weakness. Weapons that deal extra damage to any category she now falls under does even more extra damage than they should, as they cause self damaging instability. This same effect is achieved by Little Red encountering Paradoxes, afterall, a paradoxical grand ritual acts as the seal for this form. Finally, despite her regeneration, her brain and heart cannot regenerate as each is responsible for one half of her regeneration, blood for the heart and shadows for the brain. Sufficient damage to either will shut down her regeneration until the damage can be healed.


The only way to deactivate this Noble Phantasm is to bring the Huntsman Emblem into contact with Little Red’s form. Upon contact, this Noble Phantasm will be reverted back into the base Fairy Tale wolf and Huntsman’s Heroic Intervention will be available again.

[Ismail2002]

Guys, remember about that First Mooncell HGW fanfic that allude to well I finish about the prologue and wanted some feedback before I posted the thing here in Beast Lairs.
Fate/Beta Exodus

[TQG Imaginatorious]

I think this red riding Hood is the most unique and interesting one I've seen especially with her lore and the axe. The only problem I have is with the final NP. I understand its origins and is certainly well made but still feel iffy to me.

[Skull]

PS. Am I the only person that "Reply with Quote" isn't working for?

Seems to be working for me.

[Legendary Hero of the Chain]

I think this red riding Hood is the most unique and interesting one I've seen especially with her lore and the axe. The only problem I have is with the final NP. I understand its origins and is certainly well made but still feel iffy to me.

Yeah, that makes sense. It's the part of the sheet I'm the most divided on, but it's also the reason I did her as berserker instead of rider. That connection to Fenrir and the Apostle stuff just kinda went to hand in hand with the lore and reason for this sheet series. Probably could try tighten up some aspects to make it more feasible though.

Otherwise, thanks TQG.

Also, seems fine to me.

[NINE-lives]

Hey vididii. Do you have any beast or grand servant concepts? I feel like you could have a beast as a super hard final boss and a grand servant as the special OP character to unlock in your fate fighting game.

[Vididii]

I'm fairly confused on several fronts such as Lancer Morrígan and Archer Mulan? The point about Simo being pretty overused also stands.


As for Berserker if you really want someone who can give that kinda Fate:Zero creep factor as a berserker there's no need to go with Albert Fish, you could probably be served just as well with Lewis Hutchinson (who already was rumored to maybe drink the blood of his victims and dismember them, considering I also thought he may fit as a possible candiate for innocent monster [due to some of the accusations against him possibly being untrue and his title the Mad doctor causing him to be conflated with other mad doctors like Doctor Frankenstein, Hannibal Lector, Dr. Henry Jekyll, Dr. Faustus, Dr. Moreau, and some of the more depraved or eccentric members of the trade in the real world, whose traits and insanity rubbed off on him]).

I imagined him as bascially Zero ethics, and the kind of guy that if what's his name that summoned Gilles as Caster in the 4th HGW didn't summon Gilles, he would have gottem Hutchinson as either caster (a zombie/necromancer/chimera mage) or berserker, who bascially is absoltuely obsessed with "learning" albeit, trying to do some cool stuff, like give the ability to see near-infrared and ultraviolet light (such as with bird or viper eyes), and also some more weird / disgusting things like "If I try and skin a person without any anestetic and without letting them fall unconscious what will kill them first, blood loss or the pain making their heart give out". With his noble phantasms being Hutchinson's hole is a bounded field which has literal rotting corpses serving as the ground with hands and arms that try and grab your legs and such, and the ability to make a human chimera, that he wants to make "the ultimate lifeform" by adding more abilites and things like night vision, better hearing and sight, larger magical energy capacity (through eating people and integrating their bodies into it's body), feeding it people, aloowing ti to infect and dominate others though things like spreading spores or infecting them with it's blood, etc.


Basically think a mixture of genuinely creepy, with stuff like body horror, a total lack of empathy, and also genuine confusion and annoyance/anger as to why people hate him as he think's his work is important, revolutionary, and well worth the cost. Despite being a guy who hates being bored and does random "experiments" just to keep himself entertained he also thinks he is a legitimate scientist/doctor and takes some weird pride in his work.

When I looked into Hua Mulan, I found that despite just being a legend in all likelihood, due to the cultural and geological references, she's mostly part of the Xianbei, a group known for fighting as cavalry archers. Additionally, when thinking about possible NP ideas, I stumbled across the Hua Mulan Crater on Venus, and I thought "Woah, that would be fucking sick if she could fire an arrow that left an impact like a meteor." Plus, as It was originally for a fighting game, I wanted someone who could fight at a close range as well, in order to serve as the resident Shoto.

As for The Morrigan being a lancer, I wanted a deity first off, and second, her name apparently translates to "Phantom Queen", and she's got a lot of shadow theming, so I had the idea that she'd literally form spears out of shadow itself. Plus, pretty much everyone from Ireland in fate has a lance, and I wanted to make a lot of her design a kind of weird sort of mishmash of Scáthach and Morgan le Fay (The prior due to similar roles and shit, plus the whole rune deal alluded to by Caster Cu iirc, and the later because some scholars have unsuccessfully tried to link the two because their names sounded similar.) and it just sorta worked out.

For Fish, I'll be real: Alexander is on the other team and I want him to eat him. I want him to be the monster, and I wanna make this fucking personal in hunting him down. Avenging
A. A child
B. Someone who the entire team, and a portion of the other, actively liked
is DAMN good motivation to go apeshit. I wanted a really strong reason because the idea is that Tsuna no Watanabe gets injured, and Mulan, being portrayed as a bit of a battlefield opportunist, snipes him from afar just as they seem to finally bring down Fish. That's why I want him specifically

[NINE-lives]

What do you think of my grand “final hero” and beast “final boss” idea for your fighting game.

[Ismail2002]

@ Ismail

I've read through it and while I won't say I am the defintive source on literary crtique and writing savvy, I think I can give a few bits of advice here and there. First there seem to be a few anarchisms in the section, such as with the into it's mentioned that your perspective character ends up reacting in pain to a thrown marker, but that can only be intuited after the fact as we jump straight from her looking out the window to reacting in and saying "Hey! Ouch! What was that for?!" as such a transition of some sort explaining how she reacts in pain at feeling something hit her, may clarify the segement a little. Also that Faker line seemed pretty forced as while I don't know if it was a reference there are more neat ways to do those (generally with a great deal of subtlety and without trying to draw attention to the reference, and only in sections where it makes sense or after doing enough to make your own work stand out, and not with great frequency lest you break the immersion too much [unless the lack of immersion and outside references are the intent]). In this case it just highlights how much this seems like frankly, a less interesting or worse version of Fate:Stay Night's Intro sequence (Saber being summoned, a master who is school, a fight with Lancer, Saber's master getting injured, someone gets killed by impaling).

Aside from that while I am far from the expert or the master of proper and full grammatical expertise, there are some issues which could use adressing here. Double spaces, things that should be capitalized which aren't, and some cases of words being used in contexts which don't fully make sense such as "raking his knuckles" [raking generally in this context means "to scratch or scrape, especially and often across one's flesh, with long sweeping movements" ie. "the savage beast's claws raked across the victim's back tearing long strips out of them"] in this context one would rake one's fingers across a chalkboard, but it would be pretty unusual to do so with their knucles at least in my mind. Rapping one's kuckles would make more sense if the knucles were that was meant, as that would imply to "strike (a hard surface) with a series of rapid audible blows, especially in order to attract attention" ie. "the executive rapped the meeting table to draw attention to the fact he had a comment about the current debate".



Also Grammerly which is free and if you have a google account you can sign in with that could be of great usage here, even if you lack a premium account it can be massively helpful and alsongside verbally (as in reading aloud) reading the script to yourself or another (or having someone do that to you) can really help in ctaching things that just sound a little off, finding spaces where a break point be it a comma or period may be needed, and so forth. As for if things sound off, just toy with sentence structure, word choice (google _____ [insert word of choice here] and add the term "synonyms" and it will give you some to pick from to possibly vary things up). Other tips. Maybe make a document with just words or terms you think could help with wrting that you come across to expand your vernacular and have that open when you write and edit stuff (and maybe cross-reference it). You don't have force the use of those words, but it could help make your work a little more be distinctive or personal.

I apologize if this stuff may be obvious, but I'm just trying to cover my bases on both general and more specfic writing advice.


Now for some more serious stuff. My first point is that I feel this needs a bit of a better hook, you do have a narrative hook, but it's at the end and the opening just doesn't do it for me. Also you have that bit where you seem to break the forth wall and reference the character's own thoughts on the first page which is a little odd, as even with 3rd person omniscient I don't generally think the narrator or perspective generally has a voice unless they are meant to be a character rather than simply a lens of viewing the story. To elaborate more on the opening, having a hook at the end of chapter one isn't bad per say, but you still need to have it be interesting enough to have people want to keep going until they reach the hook, otherwise the hook fails to work, because they never see it. One way of circumventing this would be to start "in media res" with a section that has more action and interesting stuff in it, then work back there. Because you've given a bite of something more interesting to start, people will be more willing to sit through your setup, to see how you got from point A to point B, expecially when point B seems to much more explosive than point A.

This could be done by starting off with a fight scene, possibly even without introducing you characters by name, or giving the hint of who the main character is supposed to be or who you're supposed to be rooting for, maybe have that fight with Lancer and Saber, with Saber's master, without giving them or the master by name, from third person, except with more focus on the fight itself. Plus make sure to show a lot of energy and care with it, possibly like an ocean swell have Lancer makes some moves and Saber make some moves, show off them a bit, maybe have a fake out where it looks like the fight's over but not really, give a bit of personality to them (kinda like a mongoose versus a cobra), show the sheer power of these servants with words like maybe "titanic" "shattering" show how the environment and world around them is nothing more then just a setpeice in the batttle, with the room or school being torn apart as they fight, and get people interested, then maybe end it with a cliffhanger where you aren't sure who won. People will be interested then, they'll want to keep reading beacuse
"who were those guys? Who should I have been rooting for? Who won the fight? Why were they fighting?" etc.



As for Esma Ilda, I feel this opening scene could do so much more, I mean we meet her, we meet her "self-proclaimed" best friend, but who is she? We know she's been bullied, but who is she as a person, what does she want? Shirou is etablished very early to want to help others and think about them first, even to the point of being frustrating with him craing more about at one point getting blood on another person's outfit over the fact that he got impaled and someone is trying to now help him. He's a character who thinks so little of themsleves and is so "selfless" that it bommerangs back to being increibly "selfish". Then from that point keep those character traits and apsects in mind and use them. Fate:Stay Night takes time to explore with how at a superficial level Shirou and EMIYA's actions were very selfless, but how incredibly selfish they were in terms of the effect they had on those who did care about Shirou, and how much it must have hurt them to see him walk towards his own ruin due to never caring about his own life, particularly given that the only reason he does so is to uphold an ideal, a personal dream (and thus a personal fantasy) that he inherited from someone else. Much like the Holy Grail war itself in trying to fuifll his own personal wish or goal, Shirou would bring sorrow, hardship, and ruin to those who cared about him, betraying everyone for the sake of his dream, only to be betrayed by that dream in the end (or at minimum the methods he used to try and "save everyone"). I don't think you need to necessarily argue or come to a conclusion about whatever message or underlying ideas you choose to have as the central focus of your story (of which I would hope you have in mind and at least have some idea of how your perspective characters interact with and graple with those ideas and themes), but you should at least provoke thought on those subjects and help others make their own conclusions.

So I think a lot could be done to try and establish who Esma Ilda is and doing it early on would be a good start. Does she act out when she feels she is being mistreated, does she care about schoolwork, what are her goals in life, etc. etc. Give the people someone to be invested in, and then show the twists and turns that person faces along the way. The stuff with the Gin and Belle, frankly just feels like space filler, it doesn't really tell me all that much about Esma / Es aside from the fact that she's sarcastic, doesn't care for people she thinks are stuck up (which we learned on page 1), and has a kinda-sorta freindship with Belle. Not much established, nor much occurs. Then we get to the ending segment. The "fight" with lancer feels like it could use a lot of work, mostly because it feels like it barely exists or happens (I know fighting outside the moon ceel's areana is against the rules, but I think Lancer already doesn't care, so go ham), teacher dies, but we barely know him so it has no real impact, then there's some weird stuff with the MC seeing things (which I think may have something to do with the Moon Cell the second time [with the 0s and 1s representing computer binary] and the first time maybe having something to do with either her heroic spirit's origin or maybe her mystic eye or evil eye) then the chapyter kinda just ends with us meeting Saber.


Esma in the ending segment kinda feels off, in that she seems pretty sarcastic, somewhat impatient (or just doesn't really deal with nonsense all that much), and almost somewhat self-deprecating in one part, but just suddenly shifts to simply reacting to the strange / weird things like "generic protagonist #422" I mean being frecked out is one thing, but even then you can show character in the way a person reacts, have her maybe think someone's messing with her, or annoyed and frazzled, maybe have her go back to that Karma comment and wonder if this was karmic payback for her sleeping in class twice, etc. But as is, alongside with how little we know of Esma, it feels like it ends with them suddenly becoming "character" the character, rather than a supposed "real person". Now I applogize if this seems really harsh, but I feel intros are something that needs to be done right. Unless you want to have a slow burn intro, which is a legitimate option, but in that case should generally establish a fair bit about the character, the world / setting, the central themes and ideas of the work, then you need to get the intro right. This is because in any case if a person doesn't like the start then odds on you've already lost them and unless you can really, really, have it get good or interesting at least maybe no fartehr than 40-50% into the work (as any farther than that and that's less than half of the work itself that can be "the good" part and is asking for the reader to sift through a whole ton, just to get to the part they may end up liking), then odds on you aren't going to get them back.

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PS. Am I the only person that "Reply with Quote" isn't working for?

Thanks, for the advice. I am going to take it and try to imolemented in the story. I knew there was something that felt bit clunky about that prolouge. So, thanks for that

[Vididii]

What do you think of my grand “final hero” and beast “final boss” idea for your fighting game.

Sorry, didn't see that lmao, my bad!

I've actually got something sorta like that! Little bit of explaining to do first-

My idea is that, since I'm learning how to work with MUGEN, a fighting game engine, I'd be making sprites and doing everything in there- however, aside from just regular pvp, there's two other modes, story and arcade.

Story is the narrative angle, and allows you to play through what's a sort of single-route VN of what takes place during the war, with FG gameplay intercut. In some areas, you can choose who you fight as, in some you can't- in big team fights, Fish specifically, you'd have to do back to back matches against him, using different characters.

Arcade mode is the classic pick a character, go through opponents in a row, beat a boss at the end. However, that boss would be character-dependent, since I have everyone paired off with a rival of sorts. Player character on the left, rival on right

Gotz- Percival
The Morrigan- Raikou
Mulan- Raikou
Gatsby- Jalter
Simo- Robin
Fish- Tsuna

Tsuna No Watanabe- Mulan
Percival- Gotz
Robin Hood- Simo
Alexander- Fish
Zhuge Liang (Tentative, not sure on him)- The Morrigan
King Hassan- Simo
Raikou- The Morrigan

Ruler Jalter- Gatsby

So, notably, the one character that isn't mentioned is Neil Armstrong, on team 1. If you're familiar with Street Fighter 2, I want him to be the Akuma- if you beat every match in arcade mode without taking damage on a character, you get the chance to fight him. However, the change here is that instead of BTFOing your final boss/rival, he shows up in your next run of story mode. Previously, it would end on the remaining two members of team two, Raikou and Percival, managing to defeat The Morrigan and Mulan at the cost of Zhuge (or whoever I replace him with), and fade to black. Now, it ends on Armstrong coming back from the moon, and you have to beat Percival and Raikou in a 2v1 to permanently unlock him.

So technically, I was already sorta planning on your Final Hero idea!
As for the final boss beast idea, I think that would fucking rule, I just have no idea on where I'd fit it- I did have the idea for something similar, with a random foreigner fight on a secret moon stage being the boss of Armstrong's arcade mode, netting you an unlock after. I just dunno who it would be lmao.

[NINE-lives]

About that final boss thing. It doesn’t have to be a beast to be honest. It just needs to be a servant that gives the feel of a final boss. It could be a avenger or foreigner class or even a grand servant sent by the counterforce. I’d just be more favourable toward a beast because beasts have that final boss feeling to them most of the time.

[Vididii]

About that final boss thing. It doesn’t have to be a beast to be honest. It just needs to be a servant that gives the feel of a final boss. It could be a avenger or foreigner class or even a grand servant sent by the counterforce. I’d just be more favourable toward a beast because beasts have that final boss feeling to them most of the time.

For story mode at the very least, that’s where The Morrigan (And Mulan) come in- this is the EXTREMELY barebones stat sheet I’m working on at the moment

Lancer The Morrigan
Other qualified classes: Caster, Berserker, Ruler

Str: B
End: A
Agi: A
Mana: A
Luck: C
NP: A
Class skills:
Magic Resistance A
Divine core of the Goddess EX
Personal skills:
Item Creation (Milk) C: The Morrigan “creates” bottles of milk with great healing abilities when drank. Do not question the source.
Crow’s Omen B: The ability of The Morrigan to sense the presence of death, whether it be imminent, or how close it is. A variation of the Instinct skill awarded as a goddess of Fate.
Triple-Goddess EX: A skill denoting the trio of goddesses, the three morrigna, Badb, Macha, and Nemain, that make up The Morrigan. They are capable of separating into their three own forms simultaneously, at the cost of their parameters being one rank lower. Additionally, their secondary Noble Phantasm is off-limits when separated.
Hero Creation (Pact) C: By offering her aid and affections, when accepted, one may become her champion of sorts, and be granted power through this pact.
Shapeshift B: The Morrigan can transform into a variety of different naturally-occurring animals, such as a crow, an eel, a wolf, as well as various humans.

Noble Phantasm(s):
Feathers of the Phantom Queen- B: The weapons of The Morrigan, great spears forged from the shadows of falling crow’s feathers. Distilled mana given solid form, they equate to an B-Rank Noble Phantasm, and can be summoned at her leisure.
Finality of the Standing Stone- A: Upon sensing the imminent death of her champion, forged by her Hero Creation (Pact) skill, she can manifest the Standing Stone where she accompanied Cu Cuchulainn in his final moments. This will cause spectral chains to bind them there, and bestow the Battle Continuation and Madness enhancement skills at B and D ranks respectively, until death. She cannot be touched, but cannot do anything but watch and talk until their imminent death.


The Triple Goddess EX skill, plus Mulan affected by Finality of The Standing Stone, means you have
Vs The Morrigan round 1
Vs The Morrigan round 2
Vs Mulan
Vs Mulan starting with full meter
Vs The Morrigan with full meter.

In addition to this, she’s the defacto leader of her team, and is the only one to do something that makes King Hassan so much as flinch, aside from Simo’s weird shit right as his jig is up

In wrestling terms, she’s over as SHIT

Thus, I feel as if she works as the final boss, sans Armstrong’s Akuma behavior

[RoydGolden]

Morrigan: Both her NPs seem over-ranked, the first should be B or C given the spears don't appear to have any special properties other than that she can summon them at will and the second could be A. Also while it's true to the legend I wonder if the "bound to the stone by your own guts" imagery may be a bit too gory? Saying they're just spiritually bound to the stone or by shadowy chains or whatnot might work better.