(Bi)Monthly Rework-a-Servant Contest

[pinetree]

I don't really get the point of the sheet. Why connect Zumbi to Pirarucu? Or the absurdly minor Antonio Soares to a god?

[Criarino]

I don't really get the point of the sheet. Why connect Zumbi to Pirarucu? Or the absurdly minor Antonio Soares to a god?

António is pretty much a blank slate. There's pretty much no info on this guy, so when I made his sheet ~ 3 years ago I thought that I could do something original and cool, but ended up underdelivering. Since then I have been thinking of new ways of reworking that sheet and make it more interesting, and with FGO's olimpus I had the idea of using south american gods for something, then I saw this contest that would be perfect for killing both rabbits with one sheet. Also the idea is that Zumbi isn't really a reeincarnation o Pirarucu, but of his father Pindarô, nevertheless Chandoré "smelled" Pirarucu's blood in his veins and went crazy (literally)

TL;DR: Cuz' it sounded cooler in my head

[Alexcoene]

"Greetings, greetings, my beloved subject! Rejoice, for your beloved Emperor has come to start the show that shall be the jewel of this beautiful world's history!"
BERSERKER OF THE SETTING SUN

Class: Berserker
Alternate Class: Saber, Rider, Caster, Alter Ego, Beast
True Name: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus
Alignment: Chaotic Mad
Origin: Historical Facts, Christian Tradition

STR: D
END: D
AGI: A
MAN: B
LUK: E
NP: B

Likes: Herself, performing, beauty
Dislikes: Critics, spoilsports, hecklers, being called a devil
Talents: I still can do everything!
Natural Enemy: Julia Agrippina
Armament: Guitar

Class Skills

Mad Enhancement: EX

The Class Skill that characterizes a Berserker, raising basic parameters and strengthens one's physical abilities in exchange for their sense of reason. Though she’s capable of communicating in eloquent words, Berserker is completely lost within her own fantasies and mad whims, with other people seeming to her as mere actors to the grand play that is her existence. Mutual understanding is impossible as she projects her own imaginations and wants upon those she talks to.

As a side-note, this has subsumed the Migraine skill she would have in other classes. Her condition has gone far beyond mere headaches as her hysteria has nearly consumed her entire mind.

"Did you expect me to scream incoherently, as if possessed by the madness of Selene? Hardly! For how I would be able to greet the adoring crowd, to grace the world and you with my singing, dear Poppea?"

Personal Skills

Imperial Privilege: EX
An ability that, due to the insistence of the owner, Skills that are essentially impossible to possess can be obtained for a short period of time. In cases when the Rank is А or above, even the "burden to the body" can be acquired (such as Divinity).

Even in her madness, she still is the embodiment of imperial passion. However, this incarnation almost never shows the skills of ruling, as she forsake those to focus on her artistic interests and her title as the ‘New Apollo’, god of the sun and arts amongst others. Skills like Divinity, Protection of the Music God, Golden Rule (Body), medicinal care and magecraft can be granted.


"Naturally, an existence as pristine as mine couldn't be one belonging to a mortal. I am Apollo reborn, the sun that will shine over my great Rome forevermore! And it's only natural that all style of music are mine to master, of course!"

All Christians Must Be Executed: B
Berserker is traditionally known in Christian tradition as their first major persecutor, as she reportedly blamed them for the Great Fire of Rome and executed countless amongst them, including the Apostles Paul and Peter. These actions have earned her the eternal ire of Christianity, who connected her with the Beast from Revelations.

Her presence weakens the blessing and abilities given by faith, rendering both attacks and defense both less effective against the Emperor who punishes those who dare deny her divine status. It can be considered a juvenile form of Nega-Messiah, as the Nero who fully gave in to her mad passion and left behind reasoning is one closer to completely disregarding her human limitations.


"Ah, I believe you would refer to them as 'hecklers' nowaday, wouldn't you? Those poor fools who fails to see the truth, who doubts my divine grace... They are an error upon the masterpiece that is my world, to be corrected. But fear not, for I shall make their last moments beautiful."


Hereditarius Spiritus, I Know That Another Sun Will Rise: A
After Berserker’s death, a prophecy began to be told by the Sibylline Oracles amongst others that she would come back from the death one day to take back her throne, a testament to the popularity she still held with the common people, and which several people took advantage of to usurp her identity and build their own followings. However, amongst the Christian community which hated her, it took on a whole new meaning. For if their oppressor ever came back from the dead, it would no doubt be as the Antichrist, a false Messiah that stood opposite to everything good.

As her incarnation in a standard class who’s fallen the most into her mad urges, her resurrection is a tainted one. Upon being slain, she would absorb the sins of Rome as she began to undergo her rebirth as an Evil of Humanity, becoming an immature form of the Beast the Christians feared… Or so it should have been.

For even in the depths of insanity, Berserker despises the thought of being reduced to a monster, an evil that exists to bring ruin unto the world rather than the beauty she wants to embody. And so, rather than revive, she beseeks her Saint Graph to a fitting vessel, turning them into a pseudo-servant as they inherit her abilities, just like imposters used her name after her death. There is a degradation that has a chance of randomly weakening certain aspects, and it can only be used two times before a final death, but it’s a worthy tradeoff to not becoming a full Beast.


"I... I am not a devil, not an Harlot...! If... If the sun is destined to turn into darkness swallowing beauty, then... It would be best for a new sun to rise..."

Noble Phantasm

"This stage is hardly one fitting for a performance worthy of the New Sun! But no worry, I shall remake all to be as beautiful as me! One, two, three, rock! Incendium Magnum Romae!"

Hellish Flames of Golden Rebirth

Incendium Magnum Romae

Rank: B
Anti-City

The Great Fire of Rome. A terrible incident in July AD 64 that lasted nine days, bringing many deaths and ravaging two thirds of the Empire’s shining capital. Nobody quite knew the cause for this, but a particularly popular theory that lasted into popular culture was that the Emperor herself had ordered the fire so that she could reshape the city in her image, and that theory was further fed by her reorganizing the city’s plans, rebuilding the destroyed neighborhoods in greek style and replacing her own wrecked palace. More fantastical tales even claimed she played the lyre in safety while everything burned around her. Of course, since she was away in Antium when the fire started and quickly took in refugees when she returned, this likely just wild speculation, and she would reject any association with it in other classes. But as a Berserker who embodies her demonic reputation, this tragedy is a capital part of her legend; her Noble Phantasm.

While it originally took the form of a lyre, she has reshaped it into an electric guitar on a whim, inspired by modern times. By playing on it, she focuses her magecraft to create blazing flames that dance through the sky to attack her enemies. Fitting for the woman once called the ‘New Sun’, she delights in creating beautiful patterns as she burns those who try to oppose her performances.

Upon calling the True Name, she starts a wild and erratic performance of discordant sounds as a sea of flame begin to appear around her to create an hellish inferno. Everything the fire touches is further nourishment as it tries to consume it, but mere destruction is not the end goal of her magecraft. Rather, everything that is burned is transmuted into material, allowing her to end her performance by making intricate and lavish buildings appear around her, allowing her to reshape the world to her artistic vision, just as she rebuilt Rome after the Fire. And at the center of is a reproduction of the Domus Aurea, a perfect theater for her everlasting show.

Lore

The Nero at the end of her life, who has fallen deeper and deeper into insanity and her own fantasies. The world she loves is the one in her delusions, centered around herself as a living Goddess that creates beauty through her wonderful performances and literally reshaping the world around her to her whims. Her bearing Those that try to defy her and her desires are seen as ugly blemishes upon her beautiful world to correct and make into material to make more beautiful masterworks, with barely any recognition of them as ‘human’. Even her master is distorted in her eyes into somebody she was close to in life, like her daughter Claudia Augusto or her bride Poppaea Sabina, and while this may make her listen to them to some extent, they are still little more than secondary characters in the performance that is her life, free for her to ignore any input from. While she burns brightly, there is little to no chance of her ever progressing past that, as she is the setting sun.

Author's Note

My first attempt at making a canon Servant in an alternate class, so I'm not sure if I truly got her right. But it was a fun thing to try!

[pinetree]

10/10 didn't write in a single umu

[NINE-lives]

How long until the posting window is closed anyways?

[Alexcoene]

You'll find your answer right in the very first post of this thread.

[NINE-lives]

Oh sorry.

[Spammin Spiff]

Archer of Three Years
“Hello, I am Servant Class: Archer. Don’t worry master, I will take care of you as if you were my own child.”



Class: Archer
Other Classes: Saber, Lancer, Caster, Rider, Avenger
Alignment: Lawful Good
Place of Origin: Japan; 3rd Century

Parameters:

STR: C
END: B+
AGI: B
MGI: B
LCK: B

Height: 165 cm
Weight: 62 kg
Likes: Children, her son, her husband, weird food combinations
Dislikes: Traitors, Liars, People who mess with her family
Talent: Fishing
Natural Enemy: N/A
Attribute: Earth
Traits: Servant, Humanoid, Female, King, Magus
Armament: Fishing Rod, Bow, Ōdachi
Catalyst: Any shrine dedicated to her, a Chrysanthemum


|Class Skills
—Class Skills—

Magic Resistance: B
At B rank, she can cancel spells with a chant below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult for them to be affected. Due to living during the Age of Gods and being someone with divine influence and relation, she naturally possesses a high magic resistance.

Independent Action: C
Archer is able to stay in the world for one day without a Master. While as a ruler of a country she herself was not independent, she ruled over Japan for a long time without the presence of an Emperor, which earned her this skill.

Divinity: B
As not only someone who is a distant descendant of Amaterasu, and someone who was worshiped after death, but also as the person who gave birth to who would later be a god of War, she possesses high divinity.
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|Personal Skills
—Personal Skills—

Imperial Privilege: A
An ability that, due to the insistence of the owner, Skills that are essentially impossible to possess can be obtained for a short period of time. In cases when the Rank is А or above, even the "burden to the body" can be acquired. For Archer, relevant skills are Swordsmanship, Riding, Arts, Charisma, Tactics, Voyage, and others. Due to being an Empress of Japan and ruling on the Chrysanthemum Throne, she gains access to the Imperial Privilege skill.

War God in the Womb: B
A unique Skill that represents a woman who never yields and always continues despite constant pain, and instead receives divine blessings for enduring. A combination of the skills Unyielding Will, Battle Continuation, and Blessing of the War God. As long as Archer holds on to her will, she is able to ignore large amounts of physical and mental pain and some deadly wounds. After enduring said pains and wounds, she receives either a bonus to STR, END, AGI, or any combination of the three. These buffs can stack with each other as well and last until combat ends, making this a formidable skill. Archer displayed such unyielding will when she continued to lead a campaign while pregnant for 3 years, not giving birth until she completed said campaign. Who she gave birth to was not only the next emperor, but also a god of war.
“Be at ease advisor, I am ready for anything that comes for you. They will have to go through me.”

Shinto Shamaness: C+
A skill which would normally allow Archer to communicate with, or even channel, select gods of the Shinto religion. However, she is unable to do this in the modern era due to mankind furthering themselves from the gods. She can still however use the skill’s other effects. She is able to pull on a Shinto god's command over a certain element and command that element herself. With it she can even do things like make small constructs out of it, like arrows, discs or even blades. She can only channel one element at a time, although things like constructs will last for a few seconds after she switches the god she's channeling. The important thing to note though is channeling the god's elemental abilities constantly drains a small but significant enough amount of mana, so she can't just spam this ability. A bonus of this skill is that if Archer sees a person or servant with the divinity trait, there is a good chance that she will immediately figure out the nature of their divinity, such as what they may be a god of. This part of the skill gains a bonus when the divinity is of Japan. Archer in life was well known to be a powerful shamaness, communicating with the gods multiple times, accepting help from them multiple times, and even channeling multiple gods at one point.
“It is too bad I was not summoned in one of the Calvary Classes, I would have had much more of my Shamaness magecraft at my disposal.”
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|Noble Phantasms
—Noble Phantasms—

Sakana Uranai
Fishing Shall Tell Me the Future

“The line is cast, and like all fishermen I must wait…”
“...I see it. Sakana Uranai”

Type: Anti-Unit, Anti-Event, Anti-Unit (Self), Anti-Army (Self)
Rank: B
Range: 1-10 (∞)
Max Targets: 1 (True Name release is Variable)

A Noble Phantasm based on the event where Archer used a fishing rod to use her divination method, where the number of fish she caught were the way the gods would tell her if her journey to conquest would be successful. The Noble Phantasm takes the form of a fishing rod that is high ranked mystic code. She can use the fishing rod like a weapon, either like a staff or even trying to hook people with it. After saying this Noble Phantasm’s true name, she gains clairvoyance (specifically the ability to see the future), on a single matter she decides. She can either use it on a person, a country, or even a situation; the larger the effect on humanity her target had or will have, the more mana it takes and the longer it takes the Noble Phantasm to activate. She can only use this Noble Phantasm once per day, however she must be at a body of water and must remain undisturbed during the duration of this noble phantasm, if she stops channeling during the Noble Phantasm or is forced to move from her spot, she doesn't gain the effects and uses up her use for the day. This Noble Phantasm interestingly enough is what qualifies her for the Archer class.

Despite the fact that this Noble Phantasm is a type of clairvoyance, and the fact that she has access to this Noble Phantasm when summoned in the Caster class, she can not qualify for Grand Caster. This is due to the fact that this Noble Phantasm is technically not her own clairvoyance, rather, this Noble Phantasm acts as “borrowing the clairvoyance of the gods”.


Chi O Nagasanai Seifuku-Sha
Conquest with a Clean Blade

“I will end this fight! Chi O Nagasanai Seifuku-Sha!”

Type: Anti-Unit Mystic Sword, Anti-Unit, Anti-Mind, Anti-Unit (Self)
Rank: C
Range: 1
Max Targets: 1

A Mystic Sword Noble Phantasm which Archer owns. It is not something she technically owned in life, rather, it is the crystallization of the part of her legend where she conquered a whole kingdom without spilling blood. As a Noble Phantasm, it appears as a Ōdachi with a sheath, however, when taken out of the sheath, it is just the hilt of the katana. However, as long as the opponent does not know Archer's true name, the Ōdachi appears to have an ethereal blade to that opponent. If she strikes the opponent with the "blade", it instead does mental damage, and causes the one hit with it to hallucinate a wound where the "blade" struck. After a number of "wounds", the mental strain from the opponent's hallucinations may become so great that they may pass out. As long as the opponent continues to believe the blade exists, she can even parry and block attacks with it.
If she releases this Noble Phantasm's true name however, she does a special attack with the sword that is imbued with the effect of "Not wanting conflict", which to put it simply, knocks the opponent out and disarma then. However, anyone who hears the true name release will no longer see the blade after the special attack. Also if someone is immune to sleep inducing or stunning effects, it will not knock them out but will still disarm them. Once the opponent realizes that the weapon has no blade, the entirety of this Noble Phantasm will no longer work on that person or servant. Luckily however, Archer can use her Shinto Shamaness skill to make blades out of elements to attach to the hilt, which will allow her to attack normally against others.
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|Lore
—Lore—

The true name of Archer is Empress Jingū, an Empress and Shamaness from before the Kofun Period. She is listed in Japanese legend as someone who conquered what is now part Modern-day Korea without shedding any blood.

Empress Jingū was originally the wife of Emperor Chūai, the Emperor who ruled right before her. During one of Chūai’s campaigns, Jingū (while divining with multiple gods) told her husband not to continue his attack on his current target and instead go and conquer a land in the north. Chūai quickly disregarded this advice and was soon after killed in battle against Hashiro Kumaso. Jingū in response took over the throne and hid her husband’s death for a short time so as to not cause the people to panic. Soon after, she came to realize she was pregnant with her late husband's child. Later, the gods tell her she is allowed to attack Kumaso in order to get back at her husband’s killers. About a month later, she made a fishing rod, using needle to make a fishing hook and a piece of string from her clothing to make the fishing line, and used it to divine with the gods, asking them to cause her to catch of a fish if her campaign to the land of the North would be successful. Upon catching a fish, she makes preparations to go to the land of the North. This included her tightening a cloth strap with divine-blessed charms around her belly, for she didn't want to give birth to her child while on campaign.

Upon leaving Japan, Empress Jingū used Tide Jewels given to her by a god of the sea, creating waves and guiding fish to push her ships, causing her to travel to this land of the North quite quickly. Before beginning her conquest, she told her army that they would not slay any who submit to them. Upon making it to her destination, the land of Sill (which is now located in modern day Korea), Silla’s king was in awe of the fact that there were gods helping Empress Jingū to travel there. Upon seeing the power at her command, Silla’s king decided to talk with her so as to prevent a war. After he learns that Jingū was related to Silla royalty, he offered to let her have some control over the land in exchange for a partnership between the two, to which Jingū agreed. The two nearby kingdoms of Koryö and Pèkché, in response to this alliance between Japan and Silla, decided to also join in on the deal so that they wouldn’t risk being targets of a powerful alliance. After her conquest was finished, she returned home with treasures the countries paid to her.

Once she returned home, she birthed her son, who would later become Emperor Ōjin. Upon his birth, eight banners came down from the heavens to congratulate him. Her remaining years as the Empress were not nearly as eventful. At one point, she was betrayed by relatives trying to seek the throne, who she quickly defeated. During her rule, she was also gifted the Shichishitō by the King of Pèkché as a further show of good faith between them. She continued to reign for a long time as the Empress until her death at the age of 100. Afterwards her son took over the empire, and he eventually became deified as Hachiman, the god of War and Archery. As Japan continued to grow after her death, eventually the deal between Japan and the countries of what would become Korea fell apart and changed. Some time after her death, as well as sometime after the death of her son, she was seen as a god of childbirth among other things.
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|Personality
—Personality—

“You wish to talk with me? Then please sit down, relax. I'll go prepare some tea.”

She has a very motherly personality to those she truly trusts. She also loves children, treating all of them as she would her own. Although, she does have a special place in her heart for her own descendants. Despite this personality, she will always be serious when things get serious. Depending on the age of her Master, she may treat them either as her child or as an advisor. Possibly due to having spent such a long time pregnant in life, she also seems to have a strong desire for strange food combinations, ones which people usually don’t eat. She additionally likes to fish, and likes to do so when she isn’t actively pampering her master or hunting down other servants. Her wish for the grail is for her, Chūai, and Ōjin to actually live together as a family, something that sadly wasn’t achieved during life. It is this wish which has caused her to reach out to be summoned by Chaldea, for she knows that under such circumstances, she might be able to achieve this wish without a grail.

“Ah Advisor, there you are! Would you care to join me fishing?”

While she is someone who usually doesn't use underhanded tactics to accomplish what she wants, she doesn’t berate others for using them if they are used to accomplish something greater. She also seems to be intrigued by modern magi, although a bit underwhelmed by the strength of most of them in comparison to those during her time. However, she hates those who actively lie and betray for their own gain, especially if they were supposed to be a leader, finding them despicable. In terms of other servants, she gets along extremely well with other rulers. She absolutely adores child servants, although she will fight them if she absolutely must. Raikou seems to have a one sided rivalry with her. Jingū is dismissive about a rivalry with her descendant, while Raikou seems to take it seriously, possibly due to her Berserker tendencies.

In close-ranged combat with her Ōdachi, she prefers to use a sort of "aggressively defensive" playstyle. This consists of her constantly sticking close to the opponent and preventing them from getting any range, while at the same time relying on her good Endurance, defensive abilities, and parries to punish the opponent's mistakes when they're close. However, when attacking at long-range with her bow or mid-range with her fishing rod, she is much more aggressive, as she is able to use the range to play a keep out game, slowly causing opponents to get frustrated and more likely to make mistakes.
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|Relationships
—Relationships—

Himiko:
“Ah, I see the Ruler of Wa is present, it is good to see another shamaness. What? You thought we were the same person? Nonsense, she ruled over Yamatai, I ruled over Japan, there’s nothing to be confused about.”

Oda Nobunaga:
“This is the one who unified Japan by force from what I hear. I applaud her for her accomplishments, no matter what it took to achieve them.”

Hans Christian Andersen (Caster):
“Oh beautiful child, you seem upset over something, let Jingū help you, what troubles you?... Eh? Where did you learn to talk like that, didn't your parents teach you manners?! Those remarks towards me were unwarranted.”
She seems to have mistaken him for a child.

Tamamo-No-Mae:
“This fox has the presence of the Great Goddess Amaterasu… I must speak with her at once!”

Boudica:
“As a fellow ruler and mother, I can not help but sympathize for the Queen of Victory. Although she may have preemptively attacked, she was also a mother protecting all she held dear, and lost it all.”

Minamoto Clan Members and Retainers:
“Ah! My beautiful sons and daughters! I finally have met you in person! Sit down please, while I prepare some tea and snacks. We have a lot of catching up to do!”

Tomoe Gozen (Archer):
“Ah, a fellow Onna-Musha. I feel a similar soul from her: A woman who wishes to see her family again.”

Minamoto-No-Raikou (Berserker):
“Hmm? I sense another motherly presence from the Minamoto over there. Although her motherly presence feels a bit more… crazed. She seems to be giving me a weird stare. How odd...”

Emperor Chandragupta the First & Empress Kumaradevi (Ruler):
“Oh, to be able to rule together as husband and wife must be truly wonderful. I wish I would have been able to do so with my own husband, however, I guess some things were just not to be.”

Marcus Junius Brutus (Assassin):
“That Assassin over there seems like a great advisor. I wonder who he is...”“You are everything I hate. You use deceit and betrayal like a tea cup; you use it everyday without a care in the world. I am not someone who is gleeful over bloodshed, but I will enjoy separating your head from your body.”
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|Creator Notes
—Creator Notes—

My first rework! And it is fittingly a rework of my first completed servant sheet. Back when I first did this sheet, even then I felt like it was a little bit boring skill wise and needed more (although I still think the Fishing Pole NP I came up with was still really good), so I tried to rectify that with what I have here. I also removed the second NP from the Archer version altogether (Although it'll appear in some of the other classes in the future once I do them). For my first rework of one of my old servants, I think I did a pretty good job. Also, I'm trying out a new sheet format, so let me know what you think.
I planned on finishing this sheet a few days ago, but lucky me, I got the flu, so it took a bit longer for me to finish up than I thought it would.

P.S. You can click on the Relationship line with Brutus.

Image Source: https://mobile.twitter.com/dorimoge5...748096/photo/2
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[DelRey]

The Archer class is really made out of Archers, huh?
neat rework and I have to compliment the formatting. It is a major improvement imo. Using the vertical lines as outer rims for the chapters is an elegant trick
There is still room for slight improvements. The initial chapters could maybe be a bit bigger, else they look a bit smushed together in the horizontal. The vertical feels a bit void here, perhaps a simple symbol to fill it would help the look.

my little qualms: i doubt her rod can be compared to divine constructs, thats something beyond normal measure. A high ranked mystic code may suffice here.
For a shamaness of japan to be able to possibly identify all kinds of divine spirits is absurd in my eyes. A slight change with more flavor would be to immediately comprehend the nature of the god. So she discerns the deity is a combination of thunder and war god, like Takemikazuchi for example, and can discern enough information from that instead of simply knowing that is Thor. And it would be interesting to see how she reacts to Foreigners.
And I get why you made her Archer, but I would have opted for Lancer or Saber here personally.

[Alexcoene]

I have to agree that with the ability you've given her, she feels more like a Saber or a Caster than an Archer. She's still great, though.

[Spammin Spiff]

The Archer class is really made out of Archers, huh?
neat rework and I have to compliment the formatting. It is a major improvement imo. Using the vertical lines as outer rims for the chapters is an elegant trick
There is still room for slight improvements. The initial chapters could maybe be a bit bigger, else they look a bit smushed together in the horizontal. The vertical feels a bit void here, perhaps a simple symbol to fill it would help the look.

my little qualms: i doubt her rod can be compared to divine constructs, thats something beyond normal measure. A high ranked mystic code may suffice here.
For a shamaness of japan to be able to possibly identify all kinds of divine spirits is absurd in my eyes. A slight change with more flavor would be to immediately comprehend the nature of the god. So she discerns the deity is a combination of thunder and war god, like Takemikazuchi for example, and can discern enough information from that instead of simply knowing that is Thor. And it would be interesting to see how she reacts to Foreigners.
And I get why you made her Archer, but I would have opted for Lancer or Saber here personally.

So, the skill was supposed to be balanced by the fact that there wasn't guarantee that it would trigger, however I find your suggestion more thematic so I changed the skill to like you described. I also changed the fishing rod to a mystic code because I actually agree with you there, I actually think I missed that when I was reworking the old sheet.

However, about her class, the simple answer is, she already has an actual sword and spear tied to her legend. The seven branched sword, as well as some spear she used to carve on a rock in Korea. For the same reason I made her an Archer the last time, she is one now. Once I make her into a Saber or Lancer, she'll have one of those two mentioned weapons rather than a fishing rod.

- - - Updated - - -

Also, could you explain what you are saying in regards to the formatting DelRey? I'm not totally understandimg what you are saying I need to fix. I'm a bit dumb when it comes to this stuff.

[DelRey]

i mean something like that

│Class Skills│

✣

│Personal Skills│

✣

│Noble Phantasms│

✣

│Lore│

✣

│Personality│

✣

│Relationships│

✣

│Creator Notes│

[Spammin Spiff]

Ah, I see. I'll make sure to do something like that next sheet I do

[DelRey]

i end the submission tomorrow

[Nuclear]

Comments to entries I found interesting:

Del's Yuyu Rework: I was having the hardest time reading this profile because I genuinely could not tell apart the bits you added from her established lore, which can only be a good thing. Kudos.

Draco's Jaguar Warrior (Anti-Summer): I like this sheet very much. It reminds me of Jet Okita in how she plays with meta memes, which is made even better by the new lore you incorporated into her Skills and Noble Phantasm. The main thing I find needs improvement here is the use of direct references to Lasengle and FSN. I found that these made the sheet too blasé; if you made the references more subtle I think the atmosphere of "an in-joke that's funny even if it's unsaid" would have been better preserved.

Another thing that dampened my reading experience was the formatting. Breaking up the sheet via bond levels seems like a popular trend here, but the whole sheet felt like a slog to read, mainly because I found it hard to distinguish where the narrative ended and the profile started. Personally, I would set the profile segments to left-alignment while keeping the narrative center-aligned to better distinguish the two.

One last thing: you know what's more Anti-Summer than "a shady tourist trap owner"? A demonic English teacher who gives away vacation homework like it's candy. Make of that what you will.

Vididii's Jaguar Man (Berserker): I admire your dedication to making your own faceclaims and to adding fighting game/pro-wrestling references, but this is an instance of there being too much of a good thing.

Alternate instances of a Servant exist usually because there's an avenue of their character the author wants to explore, or there's something the author wants to say using this character as a medium (e.g., Arjuna and Arjuna Alter). This is even more important to consider when working with Pseudo-Servants, because it's not only taking the Heroic Spirit in question's character that's being taken to a new direction, but also that of their host (this is, incidentally, the reason why Waver is the worst Pseudo: we barely see anything of Kongming, much less of the two of them interacting).

With your Jaguar Man, I get a lot of wrestling memes, but not so much of a new direction for her character (Lancer is already a silly airhead, so why would I want more of the same?); I also didn't feel like Taiga had any part in this Pseudo-Servant outside of the appearance, nor perceive any emphasis given on the prompt "divinity" outside of Jaguar Man being a god. So I can't help but compared this unfavorably to the other Jaguar Man alt in this contest, which definitely has more of what I'm looking for.

Ismail's Rabia of Basra: To be perfectly honest, I don't understand why she's here. Divine Core of Saints has really weird implications, and could easily have been a Blessing-series skill.

[DelRey]

any who still wish to participate?

[Vididii]

Nah.

- - - Updated - - -

Vididii's Jaguar Man (Berserker): I admire your dedication to making your own faceclaims and to adding fighting game/pro-wrestling references, but this is an instance of there being too much of a good thing.

Alternate instances of a Servant exist usually because there's an avenue of their character the author wants to explore, or there's something the author wants to say using this character as a medium (e.g., Arjuna and Arjuna Alter). This is even more important to consider when working with Pseudo-Servants, because it's not only taking the Heroic Spirit in question's character that's being taken to a new direction, but also that of their host (this is, incidentally, the reason why Waver is the worst Pseudo: we barely see anything of Kongming, much less of the two of them interacting).

With your Jaguar Man, I get a lot of wrestling memes, but not so much of a new direction for her character (Lancer is already a silly airhead, so why would I want more of the same?); I also didn't feel like Taiga had any part in this Pseudo-Servant outside of the appearance, nor perceive any emphasis given on the prompt "divinity" outside of Jaguar Man being a god. So I can't help but compared this unfavorably to the other Jaguar Man alt in this contest, which definitely has more of what I'm looking for.

Yeah, no, you're kinda right on the money here.

[DelRey]

Foreigner - Yang Guifei by DelRey
Avenger - Jaguar Warrior by DracoScribe
Archer - David by Nuclear
Berserker - Marinette/Cecile Fatiman by NailsInYourFeet
Berserker - Jaguar Man by Vididii
Ruler - Rabia of Basra by Ismail2002
Caster - Engonasin by Gl4re
Ruler - Morrigan Kafka by NailInYourFeet
Caster - Talos by Corvus
Caster - Hektor by Nuclear
Berserker - António Soares/Chandoré by Criarino
Berserker - Nero by Alexcoene
Archer - Empress Jingu by Spammin Spiff

[Nuclear]

3 points: Del
2 points: DracoScribe
1 point: Gl4re

[jishara]

3 points - Nuclear - your Hektor was fun and your David was an awesome rework.
2 points - Gl4re - Punch wizard Heracles is an interesting idea and you make it feel so natural
1 point - Delrey, your Yang Guifei was impressive and all felt very smooth