Fate/Antiquity (OOC)

[I3uster]

what corona variant are we on in this year

do you think were still doing letters at that point or are we back to alphanumerics

[Katie]

[I3uster]

remember kids get ur shots or the rp will turn non canon

[Mooncake]

boy i can't wait to submit my sheet

[mAc Chaos]

I've landed.

[Katie]

Master demographics:
- 9 Mages -> 10 Mages
- 4 Espers -> 5 Espers
- 4 Hybrids -> 5 Hybrids

Servant demographics:
- 3 Sabers -> 2 Sabers
- 1 Archer (thanks kirby)
- 4 Lancers
- 2 Riders
- 3 Casters
- 3 Berserkers
- 2 Assassins-> 5 Assassins

i'm out for all of tomorrow, can't tell you when i will post decisions but i have a disgusting amount of writing to do

forty people holy shit, i'm very flattered so many people thought this idea had merit, thank you all

[arkturus]

from least popular class to most popular!

[palad1n]

And so, the waiting game begin...

[Spartacus]

waku waku!

[Ayakashi]

( o w O)

[mAc Chaos]

i cant unsee that emoji even here

[Twelveseal]

(UwU)

[Leftovers]

[Bloble]

this is my favourite part of RP

[Tobias]

The suspense is terrible…I hope it will last

[Draconic]

At the risk of sounding like a tame dragon, as long as it's dinnertime, it's probably better to be dead meat than live meat.

[mAc Chaos]

this is my favourite part of RP

a war of all against all...

bloble is an agent of carnage

[Katie]

For the review, I’m mainly going to go over conceptual problems rather than writing problems. I fully believe writing problems can be improved and the mastery of execution just needs practice. I am also not an editor so I don’t think my advice on writing would help very much. Instead I will try my best to comment on ideas and fundamental approaches that might help better or would have been more likely to get you in. This commentary for sheets that are rejected may feel mostly negative—I am mostly looking for flaws, but let it be said I enjoyed reading these sheets and everyone put a lot of hard work and effort in. For sheets that got in, I will comment on non-spoiler aspects that make them feel exciting to me or why they belonged, so forgive me for the stark contrast in mood.

For Masters, I felt like everyone turned in pretty competent sheets in their own right. What I am going to say pretty often is that either I felt I couldn’t fit the character into what I had planned, or they felt devoid of a strong connection to the setting. I don’t mean just mere things like being established in the Clock Tower, but having a real reason to be in Kagamihara. I often felt the case was just that people made the character first and then came up with a reason for them to participate in a Holy Grail War, not create a character with the idea they have to participate in a Holy Grail War in mind.

On the topic of Servants, I would like to say my main criteria for them was having a strong sense of character. Explaining their legend and adding a personality section sometimes is not evocative enough to give the GM a solid image of how they function in a story. My other general tip is to hype up your figure! They’re a legendary person, so be confident in that fact and brag about them a little. It adds some much needed flavor when reading.

Castor - Hybrid

link

I think that for someone’s first time, it’s good. The sheet is straightforward, but that isn’t a bad thing. I do think the werewolf gimmick, which while being an alright twist on the formula, is the same element that makes the sheet awkward? It just isn’t spectacular, which I’d attribute to a mix of being unused to this kind of format and the inherent weirdness of trying to have a Native American werewolf in Japan in a faction designed for well, those of oni descent. I think a more traditional idea would have been easier to execute, personally, but the creativity is certainly there.

Twelveseal - Lancer

I am going to be blunt. I think this Servant identity has been extremely wanked in an unbelievable manner. I think the scale for your spells is excessive and would be difficult to balance or deal with with how open-ended they are. I also find the existence of the first Noble Phantasm to seem extraneous and too powerful for no particular reason, as I can’t see where this idea was reflected in the myth. I also feel that with such a heavy emphasis on the Magecraft and other magical abilities, this Servant should have just been a Caster instead.

Like, I’m looking at the internet trying to find justifications for the things you are doing and the closest I can get is an interpretation from a 1950s musical. Which, by the way, has one line relevant to what you’re doing and the rest is barebones plot text. It just feels unbelievable to me that you think this is the scale for a Servant with this identity, ignoring the fact these one-size-fits-all RP systems tend to buff Servants with more obscure identities.

Tobias - Esper

link

I think to get to the heart of things, the sheet’s identity is muddled. When I say identity, I feel like the core concept of the sheet doesn’t mesh with the faction template. I don’t mind past oriented Espers, those still longing for the days where they could hunt demons with impunity, but I don’t like the magical direction in which this is taken. To me, the inclusion of the Noble Phantasm and the animalistic aspects are more in line with a magus, or even a hybrid, than an esper. Espers deliberately don’t use Mystery in this manner and yet this sheet feels inextricably tied to that kind of theme.

I believe there is a post where you say you tried pivoting this idea from magus to esper—and I don’t think it worked at all. I think if you had stuck to your guns the concept would be stronger and feel more cohesive, rather than jarring. The execution feels like a twist for the sake of having a twist (haha, my Esper uses magical stuff) and it doesn’t feel like it belongs as a result.

Frantic - Berserker

link

why do all of your ideas read like shitposts

I think it’s over the top and could certainly be toned down, but that’s fixable. My main thought is that I felt the Servant’s identity and modus operandi didn’t fit with what I had in mind or that the concept behind it felt super compelling.

I personally do not like things that are antithetical to the general tenets of the setting and Anti-Magic Servant in a Holy Grail War feels like one of them. To me, Casters already have a difficult enough time and quite logically, in this magus battle, the majority of Masters are mages. And envisioning this in play is just “I HATE MAGES” on repeat because nothing in the setting will really challenge that notion. Servants do not necessarily need to be dynamic, but I would say that a character in an RP needs to be reactive and not have a one-size-fits-all response, which I felt this did.

Blackbyre - Caster

link

I think what this sheet could have used was a stronger sense of character. Despite having a lot on the lore of your Servant, I couldn’t envision how they would act in the RP or what kind of role they would possess very well. I also felt like the Noble Phantasms did not stand out. They are serviceable, but were not inspiring, and the Caster category had stronger applicants who were better fits for this roleplay.

The lazy way to elaborate on this is via some sort of narrative to pitch your character, like a one page story from your Servant’s perspective to give a person a taste of what they’re getting. This, of course, is not the only way to do it, but is merely a suggestion. It is not enough to submit, you have to know the tricks and tips to convince people to take it, as well.

hero - Hybrid

link

I’m a bit torn on this sheet, but I felt I was given stronger, more complete concepts. Personally, I am fine with the character’s personality and the majority of the backstory, it’s just that when it came to the equipment section, it completely lost me. The way I felt reading this was as if it didn’t belong to a Type Moon work, and was more suited towards a battle manga setting. For me, the sheet felt like it wasn’t as connected to the Type Moon setting as the applicants I accepted.

For the backstory, I just felt that it stretched my belief that this girl could continuously reinvent her identity while being on the run with her vegetable of a father? It’s already enormously difficult to take care of the latter, adding on top typical anime plots like running away from past people who want you dead and whatnot. Maybe if this was a magus that had a powerset more suited towards deception I’d find it easier to swallow, but it’s one of those aspects that make me feel a little off on taking this sheet.

Airen - Magus

link

Close to getting in, but I felt that other sheets had more of what I was looking for. Like, reading through it even now, I would find it difficult to say what was wrong, if anything. It just doesn’t happen to be the type of character I ended up looking for or someone I thought could highlight another member of the cast better than another person. I hope that doesn’t sound unsatisfying, because this sheet is so close and probably only misses the mark by just having the wrong personality or the wrong background, which is well out of your control.

Tang - Lancer

link

I think there’s tragedy in reading something and not getting the same passionate spark as the person that wrote it, and this unfortunately happened here. While the legend is thoroughly explained, I still don’t have a strong sense of the character and her goals for participating in the Holy Grail War. Being straightforward about the nature of Gerda and the Snow Queen’s connection would help, I think. Compared to other sheets, where I have a much clearer sense of understanding and direction, I felt this was lacking and passed it over.

Baron Magnus - Assassin

This sheet isn’t wrong in the technical sense, but it lacks the gravitas or grandeur I associate with a Servant. What we have is a pious, holy man with an apparently, explosive, extreme escalation to murder but I’m not feeling the contrast. The sheet is very matter-of-fact, and those tend to be the weakest sheets in terms of RP submissions. Embellishing things to catch the eye often works far better—your sheet is your sales pitch, your resume. You need things to draw people’s attention, and I wasn’t feeling it in this sheet, sorry.

Vritra - Esper

link

My main issue with this sheet is that I feel it doesn’t really suit the background I had in mind for Espers. I think it is very similar to the same issue Tobias has, where it feels much more like a mage sheet with an esper label. I think this globe-trotting troublemaker trying to create a grand legacy for himself is a decent idea, but I feel the faction label makes it not click for me. In addition, I feel the sheet is unfocused, likely deliberately, but it doesn’t feel like a positive aspect for it.

Spoony Viking - Magus

I believe this is a perfectly suitable sheet that simply did not have the things I was looking for. One of the issues I had with this is that this sheet often felt so bogged down by detail that I’m not certain was always necessary. When there’s so much minutiae it really bogs down the sheet’s ability to carry and maintain a character for a GM. As for the character and his magecraft, I just felt ultimately I had different options to pick from that suited my RP better. This sheet, I think, suffers from that problem where you made a character to attach it to a Grail War, not with the expectation it will be in a Grail War.

Plue - Archer

this is a meme

more seriously plue black barrel doesn’t work that way

Cheetose - Esper

link

The main issue for this sheet is that it felt incredibly disconnected from the rest of the setting. I admit psychics probably had a hard time working with things, but I gave them the hook of being connected to Kagamihara’s yakuza family, and most people took that bait. This idea veers off in a different direction that could be connected to that plotline, but at the same time that lack of connection makes it feel unappealing. There is no personal motivation to be here other than curiosity, and I am looking for stronger motivations for characters to participate in a Holy Grail War. To me, this sheet feels like it could belong in many other settings, rather than be tailored for this RP specifically.

Arkturus - Assassin

link

I don’t have much to say for this other than it doesn’t feel like an Assassin at all. I know what your justification is, but reading it for the first time, your sheet did not lead me to believe that the pivotal moment in the legend, the reason why he is an Assassin, was that moment. Certainly the idea of an Assassin that has sincere combat potential is interesting, but I feel like this sheet missed the mark on feeling like an Assassin.

Obviously, you’d have a better shot as another class. The issue with a Servant this flexible/vague is that it becomes increasingly on you to figure out what you pare down from the legend and emphasize, and I think it would have been easier to do this with the guidance of a different Class container.

Faux - Rider

link

A very simple idea, but it’s not bad. I just think the competition for you was insanely rough in comparison, but I could have seen myself taking this in otherwise. I just feel like the sheet is lacking the larger than life element I’d like to see out of this Servant, like it doesn’t want to say this guy is hot shit. I think it really should try to hype him up a bit more, rather than just be solely descriptive. In the end though, I felt this was just good, not great, and sometimes it’s that little difference.

Draconic - Magus

Drac, I know you love this character but I sincerely believe she doesn’t work as well as you’d like. To me, the core conceit feels so… awkward. Why does a second-generation magus family have a Crest, let alone are completely sociopathic and pragmatic about passing it along? This is behavior I’d expect from a family with a much longer lineage, rather than something so recent. I’d elaborate more but since you’ve decided to withhold your sheet I have said enough. I also believe your changes to make this fit into Antiquity, namely how your character finds out about the Ephemeral Grail, feel so contrived that my suspension of disbelief is broken.

In my opinion, the elements to set up the primary conflict in the sheet are not well thought out, but they could be, and the alterations made to tweak this for Antiquity unfortunately end up highlighting how this was made for something else. Those are reasons why I’ve rejected this sheet, because it’s a rocky read.

Bernkastel - Magus

link

One of the more difficult sheets to decide to cut, I’m sorry to say. It’s really competent and thematic, but I felt like there were two major issues that made it difficult to accept. Historically on BLRP, it’s been really difficult to do things as vague as your demonic bargaining and it’s the type of ability that creates a severe hassle when two people disagree on the worth of something. It is also, well, a core part of your sheet, so it’d be difficult to excise. The other is the Grail Mud-esque scenario when the demon becomes Too Strong which I felt just made it a bit over the top, because while every Faustian bargain should have a major drawback this felt cliche and overdone, especially within context to the setting. Good, but unfortunately, not quite there.

Thalraxal - Assassin

link

Personally, I felt this sheet was shot in the foot by your lack of familiarity with the source material. I love you Thal, but I felt the concept for being Assassin was a bit weak but workable, but I think the difficulty of getting you to write something that felt like or was on the scale of something in the Type Moon setting would have been rather difficult. It would have taken a lot of tweaking and I’m not sure that, even if this had been accepted and changed, it would possess the feel I was looking for.

Zagrin - Lancer

i hate dogs

Ayakashi - Caster

link

This sheet, I think, plenty of other people would take. It looks pretty, it’s detailed, and clearly gives you a sense of character. I just think it’s definitely wanked (but that’s not an inherent auto-reject) and I hate this Noble Phantasm so much it makes me angry thinking about it. It just kills the entire thing for me. I hate it. I’m sorry.

Alliceron - Hybrid

You are so unlucky and it sucks. The reason I’m not posting your sheet is because someone happened to do almost your exact same concept, and I happened to think it was better. Reading your sheet was a tragic affair.

The main difference between you and them was cohesion. The other person simply made everything in their sheet flow seamlessly together, whereas I felt parts of this sheet were just less well-integrated into each other in comparison. To put this difference into words, it’s very slight, but the difference between an A and an A+.

Mormarth - Lancer

morm if moon abandons me you’re in TRUST

I think the key difference was that I think Moon was just more evocative and had different attributes to add to the table, whereas I felt I had enough stuff similar to your Servant. Not much to say honestly.

L-Elf - Magus

link

Fortman is close to being accepted but just didn’t quite have the stuff to take him over the limit. Honestly, I think it had everything it needed to be a good sheet, just not quite the character traits I was looking for in a Master compared to everyone else. I really liked him and you were pretty accepting of the suggestions I made earlier so I hope this doesn’t come across as discouraging, because I firmly believe this is very good and it’s just the factor of luck not being on your side.

Zikari - Esper

I think the intersection of powers here is just too big-brained for me. The gimmick is incredibly clever, but reading it I just felt like I wasn’t enticed by the character behind it. Without a doubt, it’s good, but the more I thought about it, I felt that I just couldn’t find a reason to choose this character over any of the others I picked.

Rafflesiac - Assassin

link

i love saijou claudine

Regardless of whether you wanted it to be Berserker or Assassin I just don’t think it works. Charm-type effects just don’t work very well in BL PBP and would be an ungodly hassle to deal with. I also, like with the other Assassins, felt the justification for being in the class was rather weak. It’s certainly an interesting idea to think about but I honestly can’t imagine it working out in play for, well, anyone. Good effort though.

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Archer

kirby is here by default

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Satehi - Magus

Satehi’s sheet had extremely strong character—extremely easy to envision how it would play out. I think the way his character is tied to the Type-Moon setting was a really unique take and touched upon something I thought I’d have a hard time showing off to players. I hope you’ll enjoy watching his antics.

Steak - Esper

As a newcomer to the scene, I found Steak’s sheet to be refreshingly simple. Compared to the other whack jobs I decided to accept, Steak shines out as someone mundane and close to the ground, which was an element I sorely thought I needed in my roster. I think Steak’s sheet proves you don’t need to be overly complex to be able to shine and stand out. Sometimes, all a person needs is extremely solid fundamentals and a plot hook to get in.

Spartacus - Rider

When I saw this sheet I felt the other Rider sheets were going to have a tough time topping it. It’s interesting, has an extremely strong sense of character, and is not a figure I’d expect to be submitted into this type of scenario but has great value in both making it and others shine. Every time I read it I find something new to feel excited about. It’s great.

Verg - Saber

Verg when you told me what you wanted to do with that piece of lore I thought it was going to be terrible. And then it absolutely wasn’t terrible and super great and God I am so glad I read this sheet actually. It’s so good. You understand the character, sympathize with their motives, and damn the stuff here is simple but cool. I can feel the passion and enthusiasm and it’s just, fantastic.

Bloble - Magus

Bloble you have the best master gimmick I could never reject you for the life of me it would hurt like if I had to quit reading fanfic on AO3 for the rest of my life.

I love Bloble. His character is great.

RacingeR - Magus

Really glad I said no to that first idea, because I love this one. It distinctly doesn’t feel like your usual fare and had a great personality I thought would round out the cast I wanted. Has exceptional synergy with your partner.

Zurvan - Assassin

Zurvan gave me a Hassan, which compared to all of the weird stuff I got, was so refreshing. That, and the way his abilities are tied into the sheet and the lore behind them is absolutely fantastic. Really one of those things where you read it and you go “Damn, I’d definitely take this.”

Elyrin - Caster

A really solid Caster with good characterization. Reading it was simple but straightforward, telling me everything I needed to know. The only demerit is that it’s a dog for no fucking reason.

SleepyFlakes - Hybrid

This sheet, from the ground up, is just a unified whole. Often I think it’s difficult for a sheet to feel more than the sum of its parts, and I think Sleepy has accomplished this spectacularly. I feel like there’s no wasted element, nothing that was ever forcibly put to fit into the box. It’s like looking at a dazzling building, solid and complete.

Dullahan - Hybrid

Dull, I hope I don’t disappoint you because your writing is fantastic and you could sell me a loaf of stale bread. Reading your sheet is just such a pleasant experience and I hope I can give you as much fun as I possibly can.

mAc Chaos - Magus

A really good first-time sheet with a characterization I thought would complement one of the Servants immensely. As someone who has experienced your GMing so many times, I’m extremely eager to see how you fare on the other side of the table.

I3uster - Magus

Probably the most unique motivation for participating in a Holy Grail War I’ve ever seen. That, and a really cool magecraft gimmick. I like the direction of this character and am incredibly interested in seeing where it leads.

MssrNeko - Berserker

Neko is a masterclass at showing that you don’t need a lot of words to concisely show off your idea. It’s so simple and clean and evocative I felt like I just had to take it, my own time be damned. I can only hope that his Master can handle how wild this Berserker can be.

Palad1n - Berserker

A very good player with a very interesting take on the identity of his Servant. With what I have planned though, I’m going to have to apologize in advance. I’m sorry, but there was something appealing about making this idea suffer?

Mooncake - Lancer

Moon if you flake on me you’re fucking dead. The idea is fantastic though, and clever, and definitely worthy of being accepted. I think people would be really hyped to get him as their Servant.

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Spinach - Esper & Leftovers - Archer

In short, the reason why the decision making process took so long was my fault, and involved these two. Both of them extremely early on asked me for permission to do very outlandish ideas, and I approved in a rather brainless fashion. During selection, I realized that despite both of their ideas being quite good, they were completely unworkable for what I had in mind. Since it was my fault I led them by the nose for two weeks, I offered them a chance to remake with something more in line with what I had in mind and if they were both good I’d take them in.

Spoilers: It was good. Spinach and Left both capture the theme of what this RP is about incredibly well and honestly these two are so good they could convince me to do crack without hesitation. I’m so excited to see what they have in store.

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PRELIMINARY PAIRINGS
mAc Chaos and Verg Avesta (Saber)
SleepyFlakes and Mooncake (Lancer)
Dullahan and Kirby (Archer)
Bloble and Spartacus (Rider)
RacingeR and Elyrin (Caster)
I3uster and MssrNeko (Berserker)
Steak and Zurvan (Assassin)
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Spinach and Leftovers (Archer)
Satehi and Palad1n (Berserker)

If any of you guys have a problem with your partner please tell me within the next day. Balancing will happen over the week and probably as I post people’s opening posts. Everything’s gonna be freeform and a bit loosey-goosey so don’t expect super strict changes.

The OP will start with one phase of a day zero before summoning, so apologies to Servant players who have to wait after a few posts.

Thank you all for submitting. I had a great time reading everyone’s creations and I feel grateful that you spent time and effort on this game.

[Elyrin]

Do you have a problem with dogs, good sir?

[Katie]

what is wrong with all of you