Feedback Thread - "Peanut Gallery" (Read OP)

[Dreamerless]

It's an interesting idea. I feel there might be missed potential in his Ratiocination Skill allowing him to "think like a murderer" and his current Class essentially forcing him to play the part of one.

Also I thought I basically killed this thread with my last entry. Did just nobody have any thoughts on her?

Thanks for that thought. Any other advice? And how do you suggest I implement that edit as I do love the concept. Maybe something like "The skill, in conjunction with his class container, grants him extra success as assassinations and combat."

[Castellan]

Also I thought I basically killed this thread with my last entry. Did just nobody have any thoughts on her?

I thought about writing something because I do really want to give good feedback in exchange for all the stuff other people have offered me but I just had a really hard time thinking of anything. I think it's just a mix of the fact that I'm usually way out of my depth with modern Servants, especially modern American Servants. The quality of my feedback wouldn't really have been very useful at all. I think it's very well laid out, and I like well-executed 'surprise' Servants and I definitely feel like this is one of those, but beyond that I just really didn't have a lot to say.

[BladeOfEden]

Curious if anyone here has thoughts on my Nameless Patriot/Benedict Arnold Alter-Ego. Another of my more complex/unusual ideas, but didn't get that much feedback the first time around. I also swapped out Mental Pollution with Reploid's more flavorful Self-Denial Skill.

Interesting concept. I like the swap between the “Loyal Patriot” and the “Two-Faced Traitor”, however there doesn’t seem to be a reason why they would “don the mask”, as her self-denial and unwavering fealty skills seem to imply that she is less than fond of that particular noble phantasm in a manner reminiscent of Apocrypha’s Vlad III. Judging by your wording, it seems to me that the Alter Ego side of her is more of an alternative personality repressing her Assassin self as opposed to a facade (I may just be reading too much into certain aspects though). If this is indeed the case, it seems extremely unlikely that she would ever activate that noble phantasm, and even her master would likely be reluctant to utilize it given her legend’s traitorous nature. However, you could mitigate this problem if you included some sort of “berserk button” that would act as a mental switch that would cause her to activate it. Perhaps, in her case, it could be her master praising someone else for the work she had done?

[RoydGolden]

Interesting concept. I like the swap between the “Loyal Patriot” and the “Two-Faced Traitor”, however there doesn’t seem to be a reason why they would “don the mask”, as her self-denial and unwavering fealty skills seem to imply that she is less than fond of that particular noble phantasm in a manner reminiscent of Apocrypha’s Vlad III. Judging by your wording, it seems to me that the Alter Ego side of her is more of an alternative personality repressing her Assassin self as opposed to a facade (I may just be reading too much into certain aspects though). If this is indeed the case, it seems extremely unlikely that she would ever activate that noble phantasm, and even her master would likely be reluctant to utilize it given her legend’s traitorous nature. However, you could mitigate this problem if you included some sort of “berserk button” that would act as a mental switch that would cause her to activate it. Perhaps, in her case, it could be her master praising someone else for the work she had done?

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, the "loyal patriot" is intended as an outright alternate persona rather than just a mask (I mean, she is an Alter-Ego). As for when she'd use that NP, the description says "when the lies and contradictions surrounding her nature are peeled away" so if for whatever reason she couldn't keep up the self-deception any longer she could "snap" and invoke it, regaining her full memories from life. Arnold would betray her Master if she felt they weren't acknowledging her enough, but it's not clear if that'd lead her to using it, as "take the form of someone your target trusts to backstab them" is somewhat redundant when she's already their Servant.

[DracoScribe]

When I write this story, I do indeed "see it" in my mind, as if I were watching a movie, as opposed to "reading it". This is also part of the reason why I originally wanted to create a visual story as opposed to something like this. In the future, I will definitely try to add in more details, even if they seem a bit unnecessary to me at first.

Huh. Interesting. Because I also "see" what I read, but when I do it, there are two "ways" I do it. One, do a first person POV like in video games to further help me "get into the head" of the person. And two, basically pretend I'm the "camera"/third person POV. Both ways, I use it as a frame of reference to decide what to tell the reader. Like what details the character would notice about their surroundings or another character, or how to "frame" the scene, so that I can paint a picture in the other person's mind of what is going on and what the characters are feeling. Sometimes I even use it to decide when to "cut off" details to make things jarring.

I don't know if this would help you or not, especially since I'm used to painting the scene with words at this point (aka I am used to taking time to pause and give details), when you admitted to being incredibly concise, but I just thought it interesting that you had viewed it visually too when I do as well yet I also take my time.

The only thing I can think of to help you, other than just...well, practice (because that really does help, I remember having trouble writing fight scenes before but after years of practicing and learning when to be detailed and when not to, when I started writing fight scenes again I found it wasn't as bad anymore), is try reading other fics, see how they tell their story, and note how they do it. Things like "writing a run-on sentence to emphasize the fact that the character is panicking" or "repeating a word but with different formatting to show an obsession or emphasize a strong point/promise" or "making them look around the room and describing how big it is compared to the character and how far apart they are from other occupants is to emphasize the isolation of the character", etc.

Finally, the audio. Again, this originated back when I had a completely different format in mind, but I decided to hold onto it when I saw some other people here were also keeping audio for their stories. Originally I intended the audio to be for me, as a way to sort of keep in mind what sort of scene I was writing and to help keep the mood if I ever came back later to make revisions,, and then if anyone was interested they could listen as well. I am aware of how big of a pain in the ass constantly jumping around from link to link would be, but luckily I believe I have found a solution: ripping the audio files from youtube/soundcloud, converting them to .ogg files, and them embedding them into the post. The only downsides to this is that one would have to scroll back up to turn off the track, that the tracks would not be able to loop, and it doesn't seem to work on the mobile site. Weirdly though, I don't see many people here doing this, is there a reason like mods going after copyrighted audio on the site or do people just not know about it? All I really see are people posting links...

You can always use the [VIDEO][/VIDEO] BB code (take note the url should be "www."). I mean, it's not a fic, but I used it for my recent Puss in Boots sheet to set the mood for the story I wanted to tell (and also as an excuse to use the last wish ost but shhhh...). So you don't have to go through all the hopes of downloading and converting it, unless the track isn't on youtube and/or a supported video site in the first place.

Whether the music is "earned" or not I can't say since I haven't read your fic but still, I can say this much.

https://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthrea...97#post3254397

Um, any advice on this?

I actually wanted to say something when you posted but didn't have the time at the time, but since you asked here, I'll answer here.

The short of it: I don't like it. But allow to elaborate on that.

It felt like a pretty plain sheet to me. I realized that it's basically like jishara's sheets, but the formatting is more fancy. The descriptions thenselves aren't bad, but I'm not getting too much on them other than function. Which in my case isn't good for me as I just go "eh" about them, the prose wasn't enough for me to offset how short it is. So by the end of the sheet I'm like "meh but I like the mechanical side of things with his skills and NPs". But again, it's because it's not my preference.

But then you said you were inspired by Morg's Steinbelt to make this sheet.

And that made me not like the sheet, going "really?" with a flat face.

Why? Well, once the inspiration became very obvious, I can't help but like...be annoyed. Because Steinbelt sheet had enough explanation on why he's mad at famous composers and thus why the shadows of other composers overshadowed like him would basically help empower him/become part of him since they were not remembered but he barely was, while having an emotional weight that made me understand why he's so vengeful. Your Dupin? You made no effort to hint as to why he would be mad and thus be the leader of the flock of overshadowed detectives. No, instead you made a skill that says he's unwilling but give us no reason why the shadows picked him. Or at least not be convincing enough. Like why the "First Detective"? Is it because he seems to act more like Arsène Lupin in that his actions can lead to good or evil? Is it because of something from his stories that lead you to that conclusion? Or is it about people's perceptions of those stories which led to the shadows pick him? I have all these questions but no answers.

So basically I don't like it because of "what? You were inspired by Morg?" and so I can't help but compare it and feel it falls short. Otherwise I'm just "eh" 'cause it's like a jishara sheet, it doesn't do much for me.

Or maybe I'm just being too harsh because I'm comparing it to Morg's Steinbelt and that was more my taste compared to yours, I don't know.

I just know that's how I feel about it.

Also I thought I basically killed this thread with my last entry. Did just nobody have any thoughts on her?

aaahhhh i also meant to say something when you first put it up but then got extremely sidetracked and then forgot. X/

But now that I've read it...I'm kinda with Castellan on this one. I think it's neat, I really like how you executed the Servant as you say it's convoluted but it doesn't feel that way. I think the justification for it (that "the statue they made is her but it doesn't bear her name") was really clever. If anything, although I know her deeds, I can't help but feel sorry for her state. But other than that...not much to say in terms of like...constructive feedback.

Okay actually maybe I do? But really it's just two questions.

One, why is she genderbent? I was wondering if the sheet would give a reason for the genderbend but it didn't.

Two, is this an error? Or did you mean to mention the Assassin class instead of Alter-Ego at this point:

Only once the lies and contradictions surrounding her nature are peeled away will Assassin willingly don the mask and release this Noble Phantasm's true name. Upon which, the shell of the "Nameless Patriot" shall crack apart, to reveal beneath...

[BladeOfEden]

The only thing I can think of to help you, other than just...well, practice (because that really does help, I remember having trouble writing fight scenes before but after years of practicing and learning when to be detailed and when not to, when I started writing fight scenes again I found it wasn't as bad anymore), is try reading other fics, see how they tell their story, and note how they do it. Things like "writing a run-on sentence to emphasize the fact that the character is panicking" or "repeating a word but with different formatting to show an obsession or emphasize a strong point/promise" or "making them look around the room and describing how big it is compared to the character and how far apart they are from other occupants is to emphasize the isolation of the character", etc.

Yeah... I can already tell most of you guys on the forum are leagues above me when it comes to this stuff, so the overall "writing quality" probably leaves a bit to be desired, to say the least. Still, I hope you at least find the plot interesting, as the story kind of mutated out of another project I had in mind but could not realistically pull off by myself (maybe I'll bring it back some day; who knows).

In terms of my visualization process, the story literally plays out for me as if I were watching it as an anime or something. I've had this since I was a kid, and it's made me very good at daydreaming, much to my parent's lament. I use the music to help "bring me in further", if you find it detrimental to your experience you don't to use it (as I doubt I "earned" it, you can go ahead and start throwing stones now, Random).

Spoiler:

that was a joke please don't hurt me Random

[OnesFleetingGlory]

About fighting scenes, I myself do want to get better at it, especially when my project is all about overarching badass versus with some plot to justify the confrontations. Gotta find better ways to describe the battle more intensely, as it plays out in my head, so gotta practice. My only problem is finding the works with appropriate fighting scenes for references. Already found some, though, mostly from fanfiction.net., but more examples won't hurt.

[BladeOfEden]

About fighting scenes, I myself do want to get better at it, especially when my project is all about overarching badass versus with some plot to justify the confrontations. Gotta find better ways to describe the battle more intensely, as it plays out in my head, so gotta practice. My only problem is finding the works with appropriate fighting scenes for references. Already found some, though, mostly from fanfiction.net., but more examples won't hurt.

Fight scenes can be such a pain to write sometimes. I mean, what am I supposed to put?

"He whacked them with the sword"

"His foe whacked him back"

"He whacked them again"

"His foe whacked him again, but this time hit him on the left side instead of the right."

Seriously though, kudos to you guys for being able to write these long, drawn out fight scenes without making them feel repetitive. It's tough.

[DracoScribe]

About fighting scenes, I myself do want to get better at it, especially when my project is all about overarching badass versus with some plot to justify the confrontations. Gotta find better ways to describe the battle more intensely, as it plays out in my head, so gotta practice. My only problem is finding the works with appropriate fighting scenes for references. Already found some, though, mostly from fanfiction.net., but more examples won't hurt.

Oh oh!

I recommend any of the fics by Ultra Sonic 007 (he's on fanfiction.net, AO3, Sufficient Velocity, and SpaceBattles, at least those are the ones I know that have his stories). His fight scenes are my favorite for many reasons. One of the biggest achievements I feel is that the "boss fights" (as in the "plot important fights") are always so hype, and not just from excitement alone. Several of the fights from Shin Persona Evangelion (a Persona/Evangelion crossover) are very emotional, and then the final fight for the finale of his fic, Mobile Fighter Evangelion (an Evangelion AU fic) felt like I was watching the final fight of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and I do not make that comparison lightly.

I will say though I just love this guy's fics in general, as I also love everything besides the fights, so I am biased. But I am comfortable in saying he has done my favorite fights scenes in written form.

Fight scenes can be such a pain to write sometimes. I mean, what am I supposed to put?

"He whacked them with the sword"

"His foe whacked him back"

"He whacked them again"

"His foe whacked him again, but this time hit him on the left side instead of the right."

Seriously though, kudos to you guys for being able to write these long, drawn out fight scenes without making them feel repetitive. It's tough.

Well what I learned is...
You don't actually.
Or rather, not all of it is "x did y to z. z does a to x in return."
Half of, if not most of the fight, is gonna be literally everything else.
Or at least that's how I handle it.
I don't describe specific movements but instead "group up" movements. Like if there's punches being traded, just say that. You don't have to describe every singe hook, uppercut, jab and more done.
Not unless it's important.
Like, say, each punch is to prove the point the receiver of the punches is outmatched as each punch slowly but surely shows the effortlessness of the puncher destroying their opponent.
Instead I usually focus on feelings and plans and dialogue, or at least have it intersperse each of the "attacks" the character(s) do(es).
Or maybe even a more comedic way like describing some getting hit by a baseball bat while trying to hit someone else then describing the reaction of the target who got accidentally hit.
Another thing is being specific in movements to tell where each character is if there are multiple participants in the fight.
...not sure if I explained that right. XD

Tl;dr don't list every action unless it's important to set where characters are in the battlefield or for emotional impact

Or I guess you can just read one of the boss battles I wrote in my fic (which you can see in my signature) to see how I handle fight scenes and see what I mean if you want.
Still, hopefully I conveyed how I handle fight scenes without you needing to see it "in action".

[Castellan]

Whenever I write one I tend to think of it in terms of what I want the emotional and physical outcome to be and then "work backwards" from there, incorporating what I need in order to hit the emotional beats at the conclusion.

Fights are characterization - if they aren't, they're pointless.

[OnesFleetingGlory]

Yep, I agree, there must be reasons for fighting. A fight for fight's sake is really boring. It might work for the ones who're blood knight-y, but most people don't fight just for fun, which is my problem with badass versus, thinking "why did these people come to blows? What are their motivations?". Providing narrative for conflicts help establishing better picture of the situation, like how eager the fighters involved, how far they will go to win, whether they will use everything at their disposal. e.g comparing smug Gilgamesh who treats others as insects and shoot treasures away willy-nilly with serious Gilgamesh who'll just Enuma Elish everything.

[Random]

[RoydGolden]

aaahhhh i also meant to say something when you first put it up but then got extremely sidetracked and then forgot. X/

But now that I've read it...I'm kinda with Castellan on this one. I think it's neat, I really like how you executed the Servant as you say it's convoluted but it doesn't feel that way. I think the justification for it (that "the statue they made is her but it doesn't bear her name") was really clever. If anything, although I know her deeds, I can't help but feel sorry for her state. But other than that...not much to say in terms of like...constructive feedback.

Okay actually maybe I do? But really it's just two questions.

One, why is she genderbent? I was wondering if the sheet would give a reason for the genderbend but it didn't.

Two, is this an error? Or did you mean to mention the Assassin class instead of Alter-Ego at this point:

The genderbend is mainly just because I found some fitting art of her. I guess you could imagine her being passed up for promotion in the revolutionary army was in part because of sexism in this timeline. And the second thing is an outright mistake. Corrected now, thanks. Appreciate the feedback!

[Legendary Hero of the Chain]

I think that you may prefer "The Womb" more useful for discussion on that.

Also, it's been a while since I was last active, and I'm hoping to get back into things. However, before I do, I was hoping to ask for opinions on my last sheet, more specifically, my Balin the Savage sheet.

[DelRey]

"holy shit you are alive" post of some local kid inc.

[BladeOfEden]

I think that you may prefer "The Womb" more useful for discussion on that.

Awesome, I'll check it out. Thanks for the tip.

[Legendary Hero of the Chain]

"holy shit you are alive" post of some local kid inc.

Yes. Yes I am.

You know how I say every time I disappear its due to work? Well, this is what the worst of it can look like. Haven't had much in the way of fucking free time in almost three months...

I hate and love my job.

[NINE-lives]

I'm not much of a critic but i think it's pretty good.

I can definitely see your style evolving sheet by sheet. Your tolkien and little red riding hood looks practically unrecognizable compared to your last two sheets and i mean that in a good way. You've gotten way better at showcasing your characters personality by having them narrate their backstory and through their craft essence.

I really like balin's character as he is presented. He has a touch of alien morality but is still polite and likeable despite his more eccentric characteristics. The aspect of "what is to be" works really well and fits the theme of "possibilities" you set up in your arthur c. clarke sheet (which i don't know is intentional or not). I also really like the faceclaim he has. He definitely is a "babygirl" type character.

I don't have much to say on his kit and lore because the knights of the round honestly don't really interest me in fate but i really like his NP's and how his sword impose the concept of bad ending on his target.

[Kamera]

rare nine effortpost

[Skull]

So...I am continuing on in my progress through the Dietrich Cycle, but whilst refreshing my memory of the Lore used in my previous entries, I noticed the latest one - Witege didn't warrant any comments. I was wondering if there was anything particularly wrong with it and/or anything I could improve (especially the NP) before I finish my next entry. Any thoughts no matter how trivial would be appreciated~

rare nine effortpost

Hey, don't knock it. Good behaviour should be rewarded.