Feedback Thread - "Peanut Gallery" (Read OP)

[DelRey]

now that the thread is up and running again.
Not just feedback for me, but also for Morg
We made a little collab some weeks ago

Avenger - St. Olga of Kiev

but we barely got any comments. Any praise for me and harsh criticism for Morg are very much welcome

[Nuclear]

now that the thread is up and running again.
Not just feedback for me, but also for Morg
We made a little collab some weeks ago

Avenger - St. Olga of Kiev
but we barely got any comments. Any praise for me and harsh criticism for Morg are very much welcome

Pros
+ Excellent formatting (though this is probably a given)
+ The tidbits of Olga's biography interspersed throughout, which helped frame her skills and NP
+ The beautiful play on the duality of fire and the Rarog as symbols for Olga
+ The clever tie-in (heh) on the concept of hair as a power source for female magi

Cons
- She doesn't feel enough like an Avenger? A core component of the Avenger class's ability to elicit pathos (thus their enduring popularity) is the feeling that they're trapped in the cycle of revenge, and I don't get those vibes from Olga.
- As a corollary to the first point, Olga's affinity for fire seems a little too balanced between the aforementioned consuming and nurturing.
- Even though you've listed several alternate classes for her, Avenger holds too much of Olga's character within itself, such that I can't really picture her being in any other class.

Points for Improvement
If it were me, I would...
* Keep the theme of flame as consuming and nurturing intact, while heavily slanting Avenger Olga towards the former. Have her motherly, protective characteristics play second fiddle to her obsession with exacting revenge (like Raicow, except her motherliness feels like it has a motive? something like that).
* Make the Rarog in the NP into a reflection of Olga's motivations, rather than the real thing becoming Olga's familiar. Mention how, in the Avenger class, Olga is locked into her revenge, so the Rarog can only consume and destroy things.
* Hint at how Olga would appear in other classes without being explicit. Perhaps Caster emphasizes her aspects as the motherly Equal-to-the-Apostles who facilitated the Rus' conversion to Christianity, and Archer as a generalizer that doesn't quite hit the same highs as her more specialized classes. A cool way to show this would be to maybe leave lines about how the NP changes to be a more support-type NP with a Greek, rather than Slavic, name.

[DelRey]

ah shit, i just noticed i didnt answer. Or I did answer and forgot to send it, I was on the train iirc.
Belated, many thanks Nuclear!

[Kabalisto Koga]

a great new thread well then i like to let the people here take a look at two servants i think have received almost no feedback .

1 Dante Alighieri and 2 The Little Girl(s)

any critic and specially feedbacks are welcome !

[Kabalisto Koga]

Koga wanted me to look at his Augustus and Psammtik sheets, and requested I put things here, so here we are.

Octavian-
Got a few qualms on this one- mostly in matters of personality and stats.
I like the idea of him being written as the second founder of rome- a very nice angle, and a deserved one with all he accomplished in history. That being said:

- I don’t like his energy. From what I can understand through the personality and relationship sections, he’s very prideful (as he should be with how you’ve manifested him) and kind of a dick, but everyone loves him anyway?? That’s how it came off sounding to me. I would not want to summon or hang out with him.
- Why does he have divine core, and at such a high rank too? He’s no actual god, merely the founder of the greater Roman religion. I can see him having a sprinkling of Divinity as Caesar’s grand nephew, but he has a D rank in that skill. I don’t see how he can have a Grand Rider qualification this way either, as having a divine core rank higher than Ishtar and Ereshkigal would certainly disallow him the position due to not being human. You gotta remember, Romulus=Quirinius was an exception.
- Additionally, I feel as if his stats are WAY too high. His lowest parameters are 2 B-ranks, the LOWEST ranked skill, both in personal and class, that he has is A! And he has FIVE Noble Phantasms, the LOWEST BEING A+????? Like, holy shit mate, if he were real, I’d ask you if he sucked you off to get you to write this.

So yeah, really not a fan of the guy, sorry. I’ve made my own bullshit statline Grand Rider Candidate, but even he wasn’t this egregiously wanked.

Psammtik
I actually really like this guy’s vibe! Eccentric artist king rooted in his own unwavering views, it has a good feel to it. I think there’s an issue with skills being way to high ranked again (lower those skills and NP’s dude!), and I would recommend you replace divinity with “protection of the gods” or something since he has no actual divine heritage. Like, you gave him a higher rank that Cu Chulainn of all people, who is the direct son of the Sun God Lugh.

I like him, but please rank his skills down- as important as he is to establishing Greco-Egyptian relations, he isn’t a very well-known figure. Fame plays a surprisingly important part in servant power.

About ny servants well they are truly powerfull andd i know the high ranks are plentifull .

About Oktavian well about his personality well he is actuall a rrogant person but if you know him more and deeperwill you see a much more modest and down to earth personality he is one that , is actually a family person and he is steadfast to his friends so he is similar Gilgamesh in a sense .

about the Divine Cor i did it evaluate from that he was after Romulus its second founder and the second Human that was deified after Julius Caesar he had severall priest after his death that were dedicated to himself aswell did all Emporers after him util Constantin tht wree deified themself empowered this divine state .

He did obtained basically enlightment through this process .

about his Noblephantasm and states are this high cause of his immencce place in history.

about Peammtik I thank you ! his powers well think on Gilgamesh which isnt today widely known .

[Wyvern]

Well, suppose I could go and give a try at using this thread.

This isn't a request for all four servants. Rather I'm posting them as the intended group that they were supposed to form. You guys can choose to reveal whichever you mind most interesting, or more than one if you so choose. Rather, being that these four were my first real gooal for creating my South American Lostbelt, I thought it would be interesting to see if they still hold up till this day.

Alter Ego - King Momo
Alter Ego - Iemanjá
Alter Ego - Jurupari
Alter Ego - Jaguar Goddess

[FarewellToMrA]

Well, suppose I could go and give a try at using this thread.

This isn't a request for all four servants. Rather I'm posting them as the intended group that they were supposed to form. You guys can choose to reveal whichever you mind most interesting, or more than one if you so choose. Rather, being that these four were my first real gooal for creating my South American Lostbelt, I thought it would be interesting to see if they still hold up till this day.

Alter Ego - King Momo
Alter Ego - Iemanjá
Alter Ego - Jurupari
Alter Ego - Jaguar Goddess

These are definitely really well thought out, but also so dense I'm almost certain I didn't fully understand them, and would need to read through them a few more times. I'd say probably the most problematic one is Jaguar Goddess, which is an unfortunate side-effect of how ambitious it is, as it ended up being really difficult to read through a sheet and keep track of character voices and names when all three High Servant components share an equal amount of presence. I sort of ended up losing track of what was happening after a certain point, and then the Beast reveal at the end blindsided me.

That being said, I still found the other three quite good reads, as they gave a good sense of the personality of the character and had said personality be genuinely quite charming and compelling. However, I feel giving sort of equal billing to all of the Noble Phantasms for each component sort of waters them down, and makes them difficult to keep track of even as you're in the middle of reading them. If you were to put something like this together again, I'd recommend picking a 'main Noble Phantasm' that you feel best encapsulates the character and focus the most on that, and simplify the ones that end up as 'secondary Noble Phantasms' a little just to make the sheet easier to follow. Maybe make one of those a 'trump card' Noble Phantasm that enables cool story moments, if you want to keep the power these Servants are meant to possess.

Conceptually, this sort of Servant grouping is a really cool idea. I like the sort of narrative 'elite four' vibe this ends up creating, the love for Brazilian culture, creativity, and effort put into research shines through, and I can imagine it being a fun part of an actual F/GO story. If I had to pick the sheet I enjoyed the most of these four, it would probably be Iemanjá, not for any specific reason but more because I feel all the parts clicked together to create a cohesive whole the best.

[Kabalisto Koga]

Me waiting on feedbacks be like colorized:



on that occasin i might should put water in the pool hm

[WhiteFrenzy]

@Koga

So, I was raised under the adage “if you don’t have anything nice to say just shut up” and I pretty much still live by those words. But this is the feedback thread and I also have the duty of telling the truth just as much as you have the duty to accept our words gracefully. I don’t want to stretch this needlessly so let’s get this over with.

Your Dante is not wanked. Coming from you (and specially during those times), ‘tis a victory. He has passable skills, passable ranks, overall a very orthodox approach. I liked it. I was very surprised to see just a few grammatical errors and was about to ask “who are you and where’s Koga” but then I came to the ending notes… Of course. You had help. I can’t imagine the amount of work Royd had to correct this whole sheet, but good job for you too, Royd. You did amazing. I guess the most eye-rolling part was the Noble Phantasm, I dunno, something about it is just so… So. So over the top, even for Dante. But I can forgive that because it’s probably the only problem with this sheet in the end. It was an unexpected smooth experience.

And you know what? The Little Girls were kinda the same. I found myself again surprised at the lack of horrendous grammatical mistakes. What happened, man? It’s like you got progressively worse with time. It’s kinda impossible to judge your sheets for what they are, because by the time we get to the end of them we’re barely paying attention… After all, we spent the whole experience trying to translate and understand what the heck you were trying to say there. Everyone in this forum already told you that the first step to write a sheet is to understand the language you’re using to write, and that the fact you’re so bad with English makes your own creations suffer. I know I’m tired of saying so, but you nevertheless are always trying. I don’t know if this is madness or tenacity. So yeah, this time you didn’t commit the cardinal sin of boring me with your mistakes and managed to deliver. Congratulations.

@Wyvern

So, I read the four sheets and they still hold up. You’re so good at this, I can’t believe I have to gush over your creations at this unholy hour. (I LOVE DOING SO.)

But yes, I think I’d have to agree with Mr. A here… Everything is just so perfect that whenever a tiny mistake reveals itself, it’s so glaring. Jaguar lady is amazing, don’t take me wrong, but you were truly going for such an ambitious take that it kinda made her a jack of all trades master of none, which clashed severely with the other 3 characters, who were all thematically appropriate and represented something. They had cohesive themes and good presentations, and it didn’t sounded one-note at all because their charisma carried them (they could even be allowed to be shitty if they wanted because they were truly engaging... Thankfuly you said NO HALF-ASSED SHEETS IN THIS UNIVERSE and we thank ya for this). But yes, they had a mountain of charisma that allowed them to be whatever and the cat lady didn’t had such luck, though.

BUT really, it’s really a matter of the others being so outrageously good that she suffered for being mid. This whole saga is a showcase of your creative strengths if anything and I’m ready to die on this hill.


(I'll read Rey's and Morg's sheet tomorrow or sometime this weekend I promise.)

[Kabalisto Koga]

@Koga

So, I was raised under the adage “if you don’t have anything nice to say just shut up” and I pretty much still live by those words. But this is the feedback thread and I also have the duty of telling the truth just as much as you have the duty to accept our words gracefully. I don’t want to stretch this needlessly so let’s get this over with.

Your Dante is not wanked. Coming from you (and specially during those times), ‘tis a victory. He has passable skills, passable ranks, overall a very orthodox approach. I liked it. I was very surprised to see just a few grammatical errors and was about to ask “who are you and where’s Koga” but then I came to the ending notes… Of course. You had help. I can’t imagine the amount of work Royd had to correct this whole sheet, but good job for you too, Royd. You did amazing. I guess the most eye-rolling part was the Noble Phantasm, I dunno, something about it is just so… So. So over the top, even for Dante. But I can forgive that because it’s probably the only problem with this sheet in the end. It was an unexpected smooth experience.

And you know what? The Little Girls were kinda the same. I found myself again surprised at the lack of horrendous grammatical mistakes. What happened, man? It’s like you got progressively worse with time. It’s kinda impossible to judge your sheets for what they are, because by the time we get to the end of them we’re barely paying attention… After all, we spent the whole experience trying to translate and understand what the heck you were trying to say there. Everyone in this forum already told you that the first step to write a sheet is to understand the language you’re using to write, and that the fact you’re so bad with English makes your own creations suffer. I know I’m tired of saying so, but you nevertheless are always trying. I don’t know if this is madness or tenacity. So yeah, this time you didn’t commit the cardinal sin of boring me with your mistakes and managed to deliver. Congratulations.

thank you for your answer White for these two had i indeed help from Royd , about wanked i wonder seriously why you all are disliking this high powerlevels as i find that some servants are just really powehouses when you look at it and i make them and imagne them in a anime where unless their Master can provide them enough Mana they are obviously then nerfed as look at Shirou as Master and how Arthoria is nerferd in states and her abbillity so i rather like that the circumstances are the limited the the servant itself.

as i find that power is essencial for a servant i rather think that often the other creators hae hesitations to go al out and i have the bravery like i find that the historic significanse determins the strenght of a servant and fame is just the boster as Gilgamesh is powerfull despite i dare to say that almost no one outsie of archeologic or mythologic interests have even heard from him .

[BnEl15]

If I may add on to WF's comment, you can make a Servant powerful without wanking them with high parameters and OP Skills. There are many ways to write powerful-but-compelling characters without resorting to sheer wanked power levels such as certain gimmicks and conceptual fuckery (to name examples from my own sheets, there's Nobel's authority over explosions or Cincinnatus' farm NP, all which makes them strong while not relying on sheer power).

In your case, aside from the usual grammar issues, seeing these one-note mega-powerhouse Servants with little else going for them just feels... monotone and easily forgettable, in my opinion.

[Kabalisto Koga]

well it isnt even just my servants states i do also make an effort in their personality and i find strong servants rather more memorable like your Serapis /Ptolemeus profile .

i took a look at your Alfred Nobel he is really good i must say . also i made also some servants where i tried to make a more moderate servant like what do you think of my Kesagake servant as i tried here actively to make a moderate servant ? like

[BnEl15]

Huh, Kesagake is actually pretty balanced, as far as your sheets go. With way less grammatical errors too, which makes it easier for me to understand and actually remember the sheet. No, seriously, did you receive help from someone in this sheet? It's not perfect, but compared to your usual sheets, it's very easy to understand. The Skills are fairly straightforward, but they still did a fine job in elaborating on his character.

All in all, Kesagake is probably one of your best works here if you ask me.

[Kabalisto Koga]

Huh, Kesagake is actually pretty balanced, as far as your sheets go. With way less grammatical errors too, which makes it easier for me to understand and actually remember the sheet. No, seriously, did you receive help from someone in this sheet? It's not perfect, but compared to your usual sheets, it's very easy to understand. The Skills are fairly straightforward, but they still did a fine job in elaborating on his character.

All in all, Kesagake is probably one of your best works here if you ask me.

well i did had help with the grammer by Royd , thanks for the appraciation . on that occasion what do you think of my first released servant of my Armenian Lostbelt Anania Shirakatsi ?

[DelRey]

and the feedback loop begins

[BnEl15]

and the feedback loop begins

Siiiiiiiiigh.
I am... trying very hard to restrain myself.

[Kabalisto Koga]

Siiiiiiiiigh.
I am... trying very hard to restrain myself.

well i meant as Anania also is not so op and more modereate in power

[Vididii]

Siiiiiiiiigh.
I am... trying very hard to restrain myself.

I have a fucking essay typed up dear god but I can't get looped, Ican'tlethimwinIcan'tlethimwinIcan'tlethimwin-

[BnEl15]

Deep breaths... fine. This is fine. Just one more.

The sheet is incomplete, with some sections like personality still missing, which is my main gripe with the sheet. Mighr wanna complete it first before asking for feedback, y'know.

Grammar suffers as usual, which makes it hard for me to understand some parts of the sheet.

The ability to introduce any concept to the target (even with the mana cost and parameter checks) while said technique doesn't even register as an attack, to the point of introducing new weaknesses to the opponent's Saint Graph feels both very vague and very OP if you ask me.

There. That's all from me.

[Kabalisto Koga]

I have a fucking essay typed up dear god but I can't get looped, Ican'tlethimwinIcan'tlethimwinIcan'tlethimwin-

- - - Updated - - -

Deep breaths... fine. This is fine. Just one more.

The sheet is incomplete, with some sections like personality still missing, which is my main gripe with the sheet. Mighr wanna complete it first before asking for feedback, y'know.

Grammar suffers as usual, which makes it hard for me to understand some parts of the sheet.

The ability to introduce any concept to the target (even with the mana cost and parameter checks) while said technique doesn't even register as an attack, to the point of introducing new weaknesses to the opponent's Saint Graph feels both very vague and very OP if you ask me.

There. That's all from me.

thank you the reason for the personality is that he will be more fleshd out n my Armenian Lostbelt .

- - - Updated - - -

Well, suppose I could go and give a try at using this thread.

This isn't a request for all four servants. Rather I'm posting them as the intended group that they were supposed to form. You guys can choose to reveal whichever you mind most interesting, or more than one if you so choose. Rather, being that these four were my first real gooal for creating my South American Lostbelt, I thought it would be interesting to see if they still hold up till this day.

Alter Ego - King Momo
Alter Ego - Iemanjá
Alter Ego - Jurupari
Alter Ego - Jaguar Goddess

i rememeber them all and they are all great servants still and honestly i still would like to know what you thought for this Golden king .