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Thread: Feedback Thread - "Peanut Gallery" (Read OP)

  1. #181
    夜属 Nightkin BladeOfEden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skull View Post
    So...I am continuing on in my progress through the Dietrich Cycle, but whilst refreshing my memory of the Lore used in my previous entries, I noticed the latest one - Witege didn't warrant any comments. I was wondering if there was anything particularly wrong with it and/or anything I could improve (especially the NP) before I finish my next entry. Any thoughts no matter how trivial would be appreciated~
    Just looked it over. I'm not familiar with the source character, so certain details probably make more sense to you than they do to me. Anyway, from a quick look I saw:

    -The alignment seems off. Judging by his history, the character seems to be either a Lawful-Neutral or Chaotic Neutral, depending on what aspects you wish to emphasize. You may also want to throw in a "berserk button" trait that would change him from his loyal LN side to his traitorous CN side.

    -Putting him in the Rider class seems like an interesting choice, especially given that his horse doesn't appear to be "magic", and appears to be on par with something like Arthur's Dun Stallion. On the other hand, Mimung seems to be his more notable NP, given its ability to cut things like the Armor of Fafnir. Again, I'm less than familiar with his legend, so if Schimming does actually play a strong role in his story I could understand this decision. Otherwise, I probably would've stuck him in the Saber class, as his horse just doesn't seem special enough to warrant him being in this class.

    -Judging by your wording, there seems to be something "off" about Witege. A low ranking Mad Enhancement may be appropriate.

  2. #182
    A False Shadow Morg van Destro's Avatar
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    I am a petulant child that desires attention! I made Stede into a Servant! Tell me things!
    Do you like jazz short stories? Do you want something to distract from making Servants? Do you wish the idea of Shirou Kotomine didn't immediately bring edgelords to mind? Well, I can't promise it's good, but some would disagree with me.
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  3. #183
    Wyrd oft nere unfǽgne eorl, onne his ellen dah... Skull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BladeOfEden View Post
    -The alignment seems off. Judging by his history, the character seems to be either a Lawful-Neutral or Chaotic Neutral, depending on what aspects you wish to emphasize. You may also want to throw in a "berserk button" trait that would change him from his loyal LN side to his traitorous CN side.
    Alignments have always been a tricky thing for me, not helped by the fact that Witege is one of the more complex characters I have ever tackled. I was trying to represent a man shackled by honour into working for an evil king that he detests and the conflict arising from his conscience fighting his loyalty - which culminates in him ultimately turning a blind eye to the assassination plot that kills his king.

    Quote Originally Posted by BladeOfEden View Post
    -Putting him in the Rider class seems like an interesting choice, especially given that his horse doesn't appear to be "magic", and appears to be on par with something like Arthur's Dun Stallion. On the other hand, Mimung seems to be his more notable NP, given its ability to cut things like the Armor of Fafnir. Again, I'm less than familiar with his legend, so if Schimming does actually play a strong role in his story I could understand this decision. Otherwise, I probably would've stuck him in the Saber class, as his horse just doesn't seem special enough to warrant him being in this class.
    This is definitely a case of me not explaining the source material very well. Even if Mimung is more powerful, I wanted him to have Schimming to emphasize the fact that no matter how much time passes since his betrayal of Dietrich, Witege's most valued treasure is the steed that Dietrich gave him as a present. I will definitely need to write that into the NP to better show its importance.

    Quote Originally Posted by BladeOfEden View Post
    -Judging by your wording, there seems to be something "off" about Witege. A low ranking Mad Enhancement may be appropriate.
    Interesting, perhaps I should have leaned more into Witege being a Mixed-Blood and given given him some kind of "Inversion Impulse" Skill or something.

    Regardless, thanks for that BoE, you've given me some things to chew on. I may need to halt progress on my current WiP and do some corrections to Witege since this will impact the future sheets incoming - especially as I'm still not a hundred percent satisfied with Mimung as a Noble Phantasm honestly.
    "Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"

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  4. #184
    邪魔 Spanner Random's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skull View Post
    Alignments have always been a tricky thing for me
    For what it's worth, Type-Moon has a somewhat eccentric take on them, so this might help in that regard:
    Quote Originally Posted by CM3
    A status showing a clear representation of the mentality of the Servant. It represents a combination of the policy they place importance on and their personality, policies being "lawful, neutral, chaotic" and personalities being "good, neutral, evil". These are different from the fire, wind, and other alignments of magi.Non-matching personalities won't result in major discord, but differing policies will result in difficulty in a Servant resolving differences of opinion with another Servant.
    Lawful Artoria and Chaotic Gilgamesh will often have differing opinions despite their personalities both being the same "good".
    In my view, I would say True Neutral works perfectly well for him. I could also see Neutral Evil or even Lawful Evil if you were to pick an alternative.

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  5. #185
    I'm sure to be the lucky one Desdinova Incarnate's Avatar
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    So there's a thread for feedback... neat. I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this Count of Saint Germaine servant sheet I did and how I portrayed the enigmatic gentleman who has mysteriously appeared amongs the upper class of Europe at several points in history. Like maybe, Is there anything I could've done to play around with that air of intrigue he's got aside from hiding the skill descriptions and NP behind quotes?

  6. #186
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six pinetree's Avatar
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    My guy you posted it 6 minutes ago.
    Read the OP.

  7. #187
    夜属 Nightkin BladeOfEden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinetree View Post
    My guy you posted it 6 minutes ago.
    Read the OP.
    Ack my bad. Too eager I guess. I’ll review something on here as penance.

  8. #188
    夜属 Nightkin BladeOfEden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desdinova Incarnate View Post
    Like maybe, Is there anything I could've done to play around with that air of intrigue he's got aside from hiding the skill descriptions and NP behind quotes?
    I see a lot of this sort of thing on this site, and TBH I don’t really get why people do it. IMO, it’s a bit of a hassle messing with links and the like to see the skills on a servant sheet (even worse when they are linked to completely different posts where you wind up in a situation with 10 different tabs open for each particular skill), and it makes me not want to bother with it. If it’s something you want to keep hidden, just use a spoiler tag. It’s a lot simpler and makes it easier to read your stuff. Plus it’ll save you the time from having to mess about with BBCode.

  9. #189
    邪魔 Spanner Random's Avatar
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    mfw people don't read the op


    Fate\last call
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  10. #190
    silly words stuck in my brain. WhiteFrenzy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Random View Post
    mfw people don't read the op
    It's a frighteningly common occurrence here, of all places.


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  11. #191
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BladeOfEden View Post
    I see a lot of this sort of thing on this site, and TBH I don’t really get why people do it. IMO, it’s a bit of a hassle messing with links and the like to see the skills on a servant sheet (even worse when they are linked to completely different posts where you wind up in a situation with 10 different tabs open for each particular skill), and it makes me not want to bother with it. If it’s something you want to keep hidden, just use a spoiler tag. It’s a lot simpler and makes it easier to read your stuff. Plus it’ll save you the time from having to mess about with BBCode.
    I don't recall ever seeing a Servant sheet where each Skill links to a different post. Not sure what you're talking about here.

  12. #192
    夜属 Nightkin BladeOfEden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    I don't recall ever seeing a Servant sheet where each Skill links to a different post. Not sure what you're talking about here.
    It had it so each skill was linked to somewhere else (in a single thread). Can’t find it anymore though so… meh. Maybe it was on another site. Case in point: please don’t do this.

  13. #193
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors OnesFleetingGlory's Avatar
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    Is there a limit on how many chapters of a fanfic were written to ask for opinions? Something like "You can't ask once you passed xth chapters"?



  14. #194
    邪魔 Spanner Random's Avatar
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    I don't think it's physically possible to put that kind of a marker on fics. They're too freeform for this. As the writer of the
    OP
    required reading
    , my
    spitballing
    professional opinion
    is "clear the part of the first act where things start to come together".

    But like, again, I'm not your mom. Do as you like. All I did was cobble together some guidelines.

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  15. #195
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors OnesFleetingGlory's Avatar
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    Got it, thanks.



  16. #196
    Local Extra Class Aficionado DelRey's Avatar
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    rules
    "Let's see the color of your coin, my friend."



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  17. #197
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors OnesFleetingGlory's Avatar
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    Welp, I psyched myself up and ask what you guys think about my first ever fanfic. I made it as my personal take on how Lostbelt War would've gone down without Chaldea, and AFAIK nobody else have written their own take yet. As I mentioned there, I'm amateurish and inexperienced, OOC moments surely abound, so I was hesitant to ask. But if I'm going to continue this fic, I have to improve my storytelling so I could be more satisfied with how it turns up. So, is there anything I could improve? Things I should avoid in the future?
    Thanks in advance.

    https://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthrea...-what-if-story



  18. #198
    祖 Ancestor NMR-3's Avatar
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    I'll review Dreamerless' Manfred now in the hopes of getting feedback for my own Maximilian I eventually.

    This is the main character from Lord Byron's Manfred, unless I've somehow missed a pretty well-hidden collapse. Personally, I would have quoted from the poem liberally, partly because I'm a slut for the social cachet I think it brings and partly simply because it looks nice.

    An itemized list of the other things that pop out to me after doing a quick read of the sheet and Wikipedia:

    1. In the original poem, Manfred refers to himself as "the worst sinner". This is commonly thought to refer to Lord Byron's scandalous incestuous relationship with his half-sister, which shocked polite society, because Manfred could be something of a reflection of Byron himself. Then again, I think it could be argued that it isn't something from Byron's life. One approach then could be that the sin itself is immaterial, because it could just be something really stupid that he's castigating himself over. It'd fit with his depicted depression, I think, but still, you could hint at that somewhat.

      So, then, what do you do with this "worst sinner"? It's mentioned once and not further expounded upon. Hrrrm.
    2. You call Manfred the "English Faust". Sure - they were written at around the same time. How do they differ, though? Is it simply an English version of the same poem? I'm just going to follow my own advice and quote Goethe (source):
      (Lord Byron) has completely assimilated my Faust and derived the strangest nourishment from it for his hypochondria. He has used all the motifs in his own way, so that none remains quite the same, and for that reason alone I cannot sufficiently admire his mind. The remodelling is so complete that very interesting lectures could be given about it, as well asabout the similarity with the original and the dissimilarity from it; although I certainly do not deny that the sombre glow of an unlimited, abounding despair becomes tedious in the end. Yet the displeasure felt on this account is always mixed with admiration and respect.
      So, then, what do you do with this conjurer of the Seven Spirits? Faustian Mage B, Summoning A+++. The English Faust gets a B in being Faust. Are his spirits even demonic in nature? (That's a hint, the poem has them be nature spirits, I think.) If I were to ask your sheet what the difference between Faust and Manfred is, the response might as well be
    3. Two parameters at EX, one parameter at A; Class Skills at A+ and B; Personal Skills at A+++, B, A and A. The minute you write an EX you really should mentally give yourself a nudge and go "really, though?" Same goes for anything with more than two plusses. For heaven's sake, that's almost rivaling Solomon and Solomon was hyped as the authority on summoning since two thousand years ago. Hell, Solomon has an A in Territory Creation despite building the Second Temple and a C in Item Construction. And this dude lived two hundred years ago at the most. No. It's just empty powerlevels.
    4. His skills Cursed to Live and Tis Not So Difficult to Die aren't half bad. He can't die unless he doesn't want to - there's definite narrative potential in that, it seems to me. I don't think they should be two different skills, though, and neither does an A rank really feel appropriate, or somehow making his LCK EX. Hell, Luck is IIRC the ability to defy one's destiny, in which case he should have LCK E, not EX.
    5. His Noble Phantasm does basically everything, and I'm not a fan. The typical caveats apply - it gives him the big powerlevels but he eats through mana quicker. A Noble Phantasm is a trump card, sure, but it's a trump card based on the story of the person summoned as a Servant. Does it make sense that he gets a Noble Phantasm that lets him achieve a wish when his story notably features him failing to get his wish except by managing to kill himself at the end? Seems more than a little odd to me, frankly.
    6. I'm not really a fan of "haha yeah he wants to kill himself, lol". If he reads as a sad moping teenager, that's fine in and of itself depending on what you do with it, but there's really not much to it beyond just being suicidal.
    7. "Commit Lancer" isn't a bad joke, really. Similarly, "All of his attempts failed him, until he died. Truly, a tragic man." is astonishingly bland to the point of humour. If it is meant to be funny then I guess it sort of works.
    8. Creator's Notes are, IMO, for when you as an author want to step OOC and discuss your motives or whatever for writing this Servant the way you did, providing extra information, etc. If it's just to say you have Creator's Notes you really don't need them.
    Last edited by NMR-3; March 28th, 2023 at 02:17 PM.
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  19. #199
    祖 Ancestor Dreamerless's Avatar
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    I made Luck EX since they vary significantly. Its not meant to be a power thing. As for how I personally interpret luck, its the ability to gain a positive destiny. The skill forces him into defying any death destiny.

    The skill stats, I get it. Give me a sec.

    And while his og 7 spirits aren't demonic, he does dabble in demons and witches later on.

    And the difference between him and Faust is massive. Faust seduces women and did deals for greed. Manfred refused deals and killed a woman.

    As for his phantasm, it gives him a wish but explicitly doesn't give him the wish he wants. Its powerful, but too limited for him to be happy with it.
    Last edited by Dreamerless; March 28th, 2023 at 02:15 PM.
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  20. #200
    祖 Ancestor NMR-3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamerless View Post
    I made Luck EX since they vary significantly. Its not meant to be a power thing. As for how I personally interpret luck, its the ability to gain a positive destiny. The skill forces him into defying any death destiny.
    Okay?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamerless View Post
    And while his og 7 spirits aren't demonic, he does dabble in demons and witches later on.

    And the difference between him and Faust is massive. Faust seduces women and did deals for greed. Manfred refused deals and killed a woman.

    As for his phantasm, it gives him a wish but explicitly doesn't give him the wish he wants. Its powerful, but too limited for him to be happy with it.
    This is all stuff you really should've told me in the sheet itself, you know.
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