Create-A-Servant 2

[Express]

My eyes

[SleepMode]

Oh my

[King of Padoru]

If you want to make him be able to analyze people, shouldn't you give him Human Observation instead of that Chiron combo of Clairvoyance and Eye of the Mind (is it True or Fake?)? I'm not the most indicated to talk about a character's skills, though.

[Kabalisto Koga]

Well im not so good with skills but he has got them (eye of mind is fake) through study cryptids and animals ,so he can analyze movements and muscle activity .so he havent got it through observations of humans he just use the through the animal observation gotten skills projected to thE Servant opponents.

Please how do you find my first (probably unprofesional) profil?Could you give me some hints with the Layout?

[SleepMode]

Best I can say is to look at other people's sheets and look at their layout. Meanwhile, look at the BB Code Guide near the top bar of the website or search it for yourself.

[MehKitteh]

Is the abundance of untranslated Japanese terms a good thing or nah?

Otherwise, while I don't really expect much from a first sheet (mine sucked), BB Codes are your freund in sheet-making.

[King of Padoru]

Just noticed the emoji in the parameters. I take it you meant that the Strength is D-rank?

[Kabalisto Koga]

Yes the strenght is D- Rank,King of Padoru ! How do you find his abilities and should i reveal more the abilities of the cryptids he can use?
Tonikaku i promise to make it the next time better!

[MehKitteh]

Yes the strenght is D- Rank,King of Padoru ! How do you find his abilities and should i reveal more the abilities of the cryptids he can use?
Tonikaku i promise to make it the next time better!

Please pardon me if I sound a bit rough.

First of all, you haven't really specify what Class is he in, although I can guess from the Skills that he's a Caster, but do note that there are several non-Casters that have Item and Territory Creation, and several Casters that lack those skills altogether.

Then, if you want to improve your formatting, I suggest splitting Class Skils and Personal Skills like most of the people here do.

On the topic of Skills, I agree with King of Padoru here. Instead of Clairvoyance or Eye of the Mind, consider something like a modified Human Observation or even Shinrabansho. Also, you might want to add more justifications on why do he have such skills than just "He's a damn good observer."

His NP is meh, and I think that his Orichalcum-Chain has no relation what-so-ever to the person in question.

[Express]

I like the concept of this sheet, but I'd recommend Sadistic Constitution and Eye for Art since you basically said Caster has these in all but name in his personality and lore sections.
Also, I don't really get the NP. Like, the victims are part of a "dark play" but...what is ​the dark play?

[King of Padoru]

I knew I was forgetting about something... I forgot the Eye for the Art. Sadistic Constitution was part of the skills I had considered adding, but its description implied that you have to be engaged directly in combat, something that Monzaemon doesn't do.
The dark story isn't a specific one. It can be a recreation of someone's past, their worst nightmare, or whatever crosses Monzaemon's mind. I'll make the description easier to understand.

[Kabalisto Koga]

I have now a bit worked on the Layout and add two of his strongest cryptids !Could please someone say me if its now better? and i have in my Quiver a Herakless like omni-class Qualified Servant(+Avenja) in which non Caster/Assassin Class would you see the Profile of him?

[RoydGolden]

I have now a bit worked on the Layout and add two of his strongest cryptids !Could someone say me if its now better? and i have in my Quiver a Herakless like omni-class Qualified Servant(+Avenja) in which non Caster/Assassin Class would you see the Profile of him?

Sorry to say this (as I presume you're not a native speaker), but your English is really terrible. As in, to the point of being almost physically uncomfortable to read. Unless you can find someone to spell-check your sheets, I don't think anyone is going to enjoy reading them. It's too bad, since it's always nice to have more Servant creators around.

[Kabalisto Koga]

I hadnt thought that it would be so obvious that im not a native speaker ..but like i said to King of Padoru i strive to make them better ! Nevertheless thank you for the welcoming Hands ,RoydGolden !
Can i if i have Questions (like about your Servant profiles),ask you RoydGolden ?

[King of Padoru]

"Fear me not, my lord. A wind demon is far more dangerous than an oni."

Big-ass FC

Lancer
Identity: Hattori Hanzō
Title: Oni Hanzō
Gender: Male
Height: 173 cm
Weight: 59 kg
Alignment: Lawful Good
Origin: Japan
Weapons: Ninja gear, spear

Parameters

Strength: B
Endurance: C
Agility: A+
Luck: E
Mana: B
NP: A

Background

This Servant was the fourth person of the Hattori clan to serve the Matsudaira (Tokugawa) family under the name of Hanzō. Although he is one of the most famous ninjas ever, he worked more as a samurai than as a ninja, earning the alias of Oni Hanzō due to his fearless tactics, as well as to differenciate him from other Hanzō working under the Matsudaira: Watanabe (Moritsuna) Hanzō, AKA Yari no Hanzō (Hanzō of the Spear).
Like his ancestors, Hanzō was born and raised in Iga, home of one of the most well-known schools of ninjutsu. He fought for the first time at the age of 16, during the siege of the Kaminogō castle, rescuing the daughters of Matsudaira Motoyasu (Tokugawa Ieyasu) and taking many members of the Imagawa family, the original kidnappers, as hostages.
During his meritory service, Hanzō became the leader of an Iga unit of 150 men. During the battle of Mikatagahara, he captured a Takeda spy and counter-attacked against the Takeda troops with only 30 men. He also planned a brilliant defense against the army of Oda Nobukatsu at the Tenshō Iga war, although his efforts were hopeless since Nobunaga herself eliminated with her army the Iga province.
Hanzō's greatest accomplishment was leading Motoyasu to safety in the province of Mikawa across Iga territory, helped by the vestiges of the Iga ninja clans and some members of the rival Koga.
With Hanzō as his leader, more Iga ninjas were contracted by the now shōgun Ieyasu. When Ieyasu's son Nobuyasu was ordered to commit seppuku for treason and conspiracy, accused by Nobunaga, Hanzō was called to participate as the official second that would end Nobuyasu's suffering, but he refusedto stain his sword with the blood of his lord, to which Ieyasu said: "Even an oni can shed tears".
Hattori Hanzō died at the age of 55 during a naval battle, in which he was killed by Fūma Kotarō and his men, who poured oil on the water and set it on fire, leaving no escape for Hanzō. This great warrior died in a way unfitting for someone with his capabilities.

Personality

Hanzō is a very loyal Servant that will follow his Master's order without doubting. He won't betray them under any concept, and should he be forced by whatever reason to attack them or a relative of them (even if that relative is an enemy in the Holy Grail War), he'll be pained.
He is also a force to be feared, and not only by the enemies. He won't doubt to propose and execute the riskiest tactics without any fear, claiming his group will win even if every single person forming it dies. As expected from someone with the title of Oni.
Due to the events that led to his death, the name of Fūma Kotarō shouldn't be mentioned in front of him.

Skills

Class skills:
Magic Resistance D: Cancels Single-Action spells. Provides the same protection as an anti-magical energy amulet.

Personal skills:
Ninjutsu A++: General knowledge about ninja skills. Hanzō is versed in the teachings of the Iga school, expert in fire jutsus and spells like hypnosis or conjuring. Additionally, Hanzō is an expert climber, having climbed the Mount Kurama at the age of 8.
Presence Concealment C+: Originally A+. Receives a drop rank when Hanzō is summoned as a Lancer.
Oni's Strategies B+: A version of Military Tactics specialized for guerrillas. It's probable to win against large armies with a reduced group of men, but the casualties can be high.
Psychic B+++: Hanzō has been attributed several paranormal powers, in which we can count precognition, teleportation and psychokinesis. In the Nasuverse, it's very likely that he possessed a combination of a kind of Mystic Eyes and Future Prediction.

Noble Phantasm

Escort of the master: Crossing Iga
Aruji no goei: Iga wo wataru

Type: Anti-Army
Rank: A
Description:
A guerrilla of nameless soldiers and ninjas commanded by Hanzō. They aren't Heroic Spirits, but Wraith-like existences that will eventually disappear. This guerrilla has the duty to protect Hanzō's Master at any cost, acting as their bodyguards. Although they can't compare to a Servant, they are somewhat profficient at ninjutsu, mostly from Iga but some from Koga as well. This NP symbolizes the feat of Ieyasu being escorted through the Iga province by Hanzō's men.

[RoydGolden]

Double Summon is only accessible to Servants outside the three Knight-Classes. Hanzo, being a Lancer, really shouldn't have it. The rest of the sheet seems fine, even if the NP is a little generic. (And personally, I think if he really has Mystic Eyes or some-such it'd make more sense to make into a Skill rather then a whole separate blurb)

[Bloble]

I hadnt thought that it would be so obvious that im not a native speaker ..but like i said to King of Padoru i strive to make them better ! Nevertheless thank you for the welcoming Hands ,RoydGolden !
Can i if i have Questions (like about your Servant profiles),ask you RoydGolden ?

Feel free to ask anyone any questions you may have. If it's Create-a-Servant related, this thread is fine. If it's about something else, there's a thread for it.

[King of Padoru]

Double Summon is only accessible to Servants outside the three Knight-Classes. Hanzo, being a Lancer, really shouldn't have it.

Crap, I forgot about that... What should I do to make him be a "double-class" Servant?

[Bird of Hermes]

Crap, I forgot about that... What should I do to make him be a "double-class" Servant?

Make Presence Concealment a personal skill, that'll work.

[the god of world-0]

Sometimes the optimal solution is the simple one.