Create-A-Servant 2

[WhatShouldNotBe]

So, um... I'm not entirely sure what this is. Its a genderbent Andersen under the Alter Ego 'class', that much is obvious, but beyond that... some sort of Lore section is required to make heads or tales of it. Its a good sheet, though.


...can you at least give an opinion on mine? I CRAVE THE PRAISE OF OTHERS

I need a link to it to review it. There's too many for me to just look through them. :V

Too lazy to edit the old sheet, so here's the same thing with a few revisions.

=Rider=



artist: https://www.pixiv.net/member.php?id=2512673

Gally, is... is this Boudicca-face?
We've had Scathach-face, plenty of Seiba-faces, just.... where does it end?!?

[NMR-3]

picture hidden for size

Servant

*Class:Rider(can also being summoned in Saber, Archer and Lancer in different circumstances.)

The usual thing to do is mention those on a different line, like so:

Alternate Classes: Saber, Archer, Lancer.

*True Name: Charles Martel (I want to submit OC servant)

Most of us want to submit OCs. No need to mention that, specifically.

Appearance : Gawain in black hair.

But the picture you've posted portrays him as blonde.

Height:180 Cm

Weight:76 Kg

Three Sizes:

*Clothes without Armor: White shirt combined with brown leather jackets,blue jeans and black converse sneaker.

Birthday:

Blood type:

Place of Origin:Belgium, Western Europe.

Family:Father,mother,brother and a bunch of son.

Likes:His family and his homeland.

Dislikes:Someone that try to attack his family and homeland.

Talents: Administration,leading an army, wooing ladies and inventing new strategy for war and battle even in the heat of a war.

Natural Enemy:Umayyad army and Abdul Rahman Al Ghafiqi, governor of Al-Andalus on his time.

Status:

(Based off of grades you selected)

*Strength:C plus

*Endurance:A

*Agility: D

*Mana:C

*Luck:A

*Noble Phantasm (Bond Level between Master and Servant):A

Class Skills

Magic Resistance : D plus
Although he live in age where paganism still commons and the user of true magic is still exist, he never really trust those kind of thing.

Riding : C plus
Never ride a phantasmal beast on his entire life.

Personal

Military Tactics:B
Can always comes with strategy during and before go to battle.

Pioneer of the Stars:A -
Pioneer of the Stars (星の開拓者, Hoshi no Kaitaku-sha?, localized as "Settler of the Stars") is the unique Skill given to heroes that became turning points in human history. All difficult voyages and challenges which are considered "impossible" turn into "events that can be realized". For Charles Martel case his achievements for stopping Umayyad army at the battle of tours stopped the Ummayad invasion from overrun Europe and his invention He created on military tactic and army organization what would become the first western standing army since the fall of Rome by his maintaining a core of loyal veterans around which he organized the normal feudal levies. In essence, he changed Europe from a horde of barbarians fighting with one another, to an organized state. And make whate whould we call the knight of midieval age. Paved the way for Charlemagne to conquering western europe Charles Martel cases will make enemy Servant that have higher Strength parameter to drop one rank. And rise his Strength parameter one rank.

Knight Tactic:Ex
Knight Tactics (騎士の武略, Kishi no Buryaku?) is a battle methodology in which one grasps the flow of battle and induces the opponent to make a mistake, even without being a match for him/her in strength. A Skill not for self-strengthening, but to invite a check failure for the opponent. Consists of composed observation powers to wager on a momentary chance of arles is also the father of heavy cavalry in Europe, as he integrated heavy armoured cavalry into his forces. This creation of a real army would continue all through his reign, and that of his son, Pepin the Short, until his grandson, Charlemagne, would possess the world's largest and finest army since the peak of arles analysed what would be necessary for him to withstand a larger force and superior technology (the Muslim horsemen had adopted the armour and accoutrements of heavy cavalry from the Sassanid warrior class, which made the armored mounted knight possible). Not daring to send his few horsemen against the Islamic cavalry, he had his army fight in a formation used by the ancient Greeks to withstand superior numbers and weapons by discipline, courage, and a willingness to die for their cause: a phalanx. He had trained a core of his men year round. It was this hard core of disciplined veterans that won the day for him at Tours. Apart from the military endeavours, Charles is considered to be a founding figure of the European Middle illed as an administrator as well as a warrior, he is credited with a seminal role in the emerging responsibilities of the knights of courts, and so in the development of the Frankish system of feudalism. If king Arthur is ''king of Knight'' because of his morality,then Charles Martel is ''the king of knights'' because he is credited with a seminal role in the emerging responsibilities of the knights of courts, and so in the development of the Frankish system of feudalism and battle tactic that without it knight class will not exist. With this skill Charles Martel can always spot enemy weakness and mistakes and turn it to gain victory almost without failures.

Noble Phantasm
''Martellus" (L., and so "Martel", Fr.: "the hammer")
"whom God had blessed with victory"
Anti-Personnel - Anti-Army Noble phantasm
A Noble Phantasm that can be employed in two
First: he can summon his entire army (60.000 soldiers) during the battle of tours,because this noble phantasm is not using Reality Marble all damage will not disappear.
Second: he can employ this Noble Phantasm as series of slash that being launched by ''perfect knight'' in term of technique during Servants again Servants battle.

Since this is apparently my "thing" now. Spelling errors and capitalization in red, grammar errors in blue. Also in blue: parts of sentences that just trail off. Unnecessary interjections in green. In purple: sentences you've duplicated. You could also use some more linebreaks. To make the parts in which the sheet is divided clearer, you could bold things like "Personal (Skills)" etc. Options for bolding are at the top of the editor's menu.

Onto the content. I think you've got a good idea, honestly. In your description of Knightly Tactics, you mention that Saber Classic is the King of Knights because of his morality, but Charles Martel is the King of Knights because he pioneered the idea of armoured horsemen. I really like that, it's a classic sort of imagination vs real life dichotomy. But, on the other hand, you don't really use it enough. It's only mentioned in that one skill and doesn't come up anywhere else. Personally, I'd make the whole sheet revolve around that. Make him disdainful of romanticising war or the Grail Quest or something, maybe. Play it up a little, give him some easily visible personality. Add some lines to other Knights we already know of in canon, if you feel confident enough in your grasp of their characterization.

That said, I'm less impressed by the rest of the sheet. "The Hammer" is an insanely cool nickname - just imagine a mob enforcer or boxer with that nickname - but it's only mentioned in the Noble Phantasm's name. Charles Martel protected Christendom from the Muslim invasion, which is fine and dandy, but you don't give him Protection of the Faith. Why? He gets Pioneer of the Stars at rank A, but while I've seen worse cases for granting the skill the rank still seems overblown. The NP itself is nothing impressive, either. It does two things for no real reason, and neither is particularly interesting: bargain bin Ionian Hetairoi and bargain bin Nine Lives. That could really use some work. I'd just make it do one thing instead of two. I'd also put a lot more effort in description of the Noble Phantasm, as that's the most important thing in a sheet for me.

[King of Padoru]

Bless this man's dedication

[Kabalisto Koga]

Cool Profil Gally but two Question :First how to gain her trust and for a deep trusting and strong relationship?
:Second as Rider she must have a Mount Nobelphantasm but she havent one ?
Which of my three tries would you say is my best work until now ?

[Nine]

Thank you for the opinion, i will work it out for the next one

[Kabalisto Koga]

Thank you for the opinion, i will work it out for the next one

Your Profile is Quite good but Pioneer of the stars is i think more reserved for Inventors like Nickolas or Edison and i would say Rank A would be to high iand his Hougu Army is a (very )bit to big ,ut how strong are they actualy ? Assasin-class strenght ?

[WhatShouldNotBe]

Your Profile is Quite good but Pioneer of the stars is i think more reserved for Inventors like Nickolas or Edison and i would say Rank A would be to high

t h a t s n o t h o w i t w o r k s

Pioneeer of the stars is anyone who moves human history forward or something along those lines, inventors can have it, but someone like Neil Armstrong would have it as well. And it is always EX, because it's impact cannot be quantified.

[King of Padoru]

as Rider she must have a Mount Nobelphantasm but she havent one ?

Not all Riders' mounts are NPs. Ushi and Lucoa's mounts aren't NPs, and I think Anne&Mary can't even summon a ship

[Historia]

Cool Profil Gally but two Question :First how to gain her trust and for a deep trusting and strong relationship?
:Second as Rider she must have a Mount Nobelphantasm but she havent one ?

1.) You don't.

2.) Not necessarily.

is this Boudicca-face?

No. Don't be stupid.

[RoydGolden]

Lucoa

Assuming you mean Quetz, her mount actually is an NP. It's a giant Quetzalcoatl dinosaur that can create storms and lightning.

[the god of world-0]

Because weird all know that gods fly in dinosaurs and pratice lucha-libre
I love nasu

[King of Padoru]

Well, crap. Ushi and A&M still count as examples, right?

[the god of world-0]

Also, miss kobayashi's dragon maid crossover when?

[Crying]

I need a link to it to review it. There's too many for me to just look through them. :V

Alaric

Well, crap. Ushi and A&M still count as examples, right?

As does Medusa, the original Rider.

[the god of world-0]

But medusa has pegasus...

- - - Updated - - -

Well, i guess technically he is not the NP.

[King of Padoru]

"Nice to meet you, Master. Is this your first time in a Holy Grail War? Mine too! Let's make this a funny adventure, OK?"

Assassin
Identity: Sasuke Sarutobi
Title: Regend of the Ninja
Height: 165 cm
Weight: 52 kg
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Origin: Japan
Weapon: Ninja gear

Parameters

Strength: D
Endurance: C
Agility: A+
Luck: E
Mana: C
NP: –

Background

Sasuke is a child raised by monkeys whose story begins with him as a child practicing fencing by hitting a tree with a stick. An old man saw him and laughed, saying “Practicing like this is like fighting against a dead man”. The old man was no other than Hakūnsai Tozawa, founder of the Gyokko-ryū (Diamond Tiger school). Hakūnsai trained Sasuke in swordsmanship and martial arts, and when his training was finished, he gave him a scroll with the rules of ninjutsu. Sasuke read this scroll for years, and eventually found the deepest secret hidden between the lines.

After his training, he met a thief called Kirigakure Saizō, with whom he’d develop a friendly rivalry. With the pass of time, Sasuke would recruit a total of nine ninjas, counting Saizō, of exceptional prowess, known as the Sanada Ten Braves, that would serve Sanada Yukimura.

Sasuke took his own life after infiltrating Tokugawa Ieyasu’s stronghold. Escaping the enemy, he accidentally caught his foot in a bear trap. Preferring suicide over capture, he cut off his foot to escape and then killed himself.

He isn’t actually a true historical character, but the model for the perfect ninja, the one who achieved a level of ninjutsu that no other could achieve. Due to this, he’s an existence similar to a Wraith rather than a Heroic Spirit. He shares these traits with a certain samurai that slayed dozens of dragons in France.

Personality

Sasuke is a kind person with a great sense of justice. His dream has always been being a great swordsman that would earn lots of fame and honor. He is very friendly with people, but can’t tolerate evil under any concept.
His sense of loyalty and honor is extremely high, and despite his great experience and ability, he acts during his summoning as if he had just started his adventure. “I may be considered the best ninja ever, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with this, right? It’s my first time summoned as a Servant, so I’m as good as any other rookie, in my opinion”.

Skills

Class skills
Presence Concealment A-: Suitable for spying. Hides one’s presence greatly but drops its rank while attacking. Originally at a higher rank, but is degraded because Sasuke feels it wouldn't be fair otherwise.

Personal skills
Ninjutsu EX: As the best ninja to ever exist, it’s obvious that this skill shows the highest rank. Sasuke was a Kōga ninja and therefore, specialized in unarmed combat, although he can use any ninja weapon with an excellent prowess. He is also able to use fictional ninja skills, like spewing poisonous gas or generating afterimages of himself.
Eye of the Mind (Fake) B+: An innate talent reminiscent of a sixth sense that can be honed but not obtained by training and experience. Even at the greatest of pinches, one can analyze the situation calmly to deduct a comeback, regardless of the probabilities of comeback. As long as the chances of escape from a predicament a aren’t zero, Sasuke can escape easily. As an example of the usage of this skill, Sasuke cut his foot to free himself from a bear trap while he was being chased by the enemy, an action that requires being able to keep a cold head.
Flying Monkey A+: It is said that Sasuke was an expert in acrobatics, able to dodge sword slashes and jump walls with great ease. Although all ninjas are flexible and acrobatic, no one can’t compare to Sasuke’s level. This skill’s origin comes from him having been raised by monkeys. Forests are the most advantageous terrain for him, although that doesn’t mean he’s bad at fighting on other scenarios.

Noble Phantasm

Call of the Ten Braves – Delusional Elite
Jyūyūshi Hōmon · Kūsō Saikyō

Type: Anti-Unit (Self)
Rank: Unknown
Description:
A Noble Phantasm that allows Sasuke to bring with him the Ten Braves. Since none of them are historical entities, but fictional characters from a story, they’re similar to Wraiths or Phantoms. Each one has their own characteristic abilities. To mention some examples, Kirigakure Saizō is an excellent swordsman on par with Sasuke himself that possesses a clean cut, Nezu Jinpachi is an expert in aquatic combat, Kakei Jyūzō is a professional gunner, and Unno Rokurō can create fake rumors easily.
Sasuke can temporarily change places with one of the Ten Braves. That would mean that the chosen Brave would act as the main Servant, while Sasuke would have a supportive role. However, to do this, an amount of mana comparable to a Command Spell is required.

[34]

You can't justify him having EX ranked Ninjutsu and Presence Concealment simply by saying that he's 'the greatest ninja'. What kind of 'great ninja' fell to a fricking bear trap?

I think you wanked him a bit too much, without good reason other than 'he's the model ninja blah blah'

[the god of world-0]

I dont know, the guy is basically the ideal of a ninja viewed by the eyes of children, i think is fair that he is wanked.
But maybe pressent concealment can be A, with a note that is lowered by his recklessness.

[Kabalisto Koga]

Short introduction before my following Pharaoh servant Profile:In myconstruction are Qualifying the most Pharaohs as Caster and /or Rider in one way,Archers are also quite many ,although the most Pharaohs had skills with the Sword ,there are rather few who are qualified as Saber,the Qualification to the Berserker-class are more Exceptions as the Rule similar is it with the Assasin-class.OLancer under the Pharaohs are nearly the Absolute Exception.

Sethos I
(Saber)
Background:He was the most important Emporer of the twelfth dynasty,he was Born presumably in the old Egypt vilage Hut-waret,as he was at the age of 12 he traveled around the area of hhis home once he encountered in a oasis a pack lepards(one of them was even a Panther) who attacked him,he could defend himself with his Khopesh and was able to get nearly uninjured out of this incident .Unknown to him was the Panther the old Egypt Deity/Goddess Sekhmet who granted Sethos her Blessings and consecrated his Khopesh(Sword).He trained his Skills and that what today can be martial-prowess called. At the Age of 25 gained he his adult Name in a inications-rite , for this Ritual he sacrified his (now)sacred Sword and some of his own Flesh and blood from himself ,moved by ths high tribut he was gifted from Seth personal with his new Sword: Rsatechu a Divine Sword that holds shards of his Divine-Might .Few years after the Event was throned as Men-maat-Re(Lasting is the world order of Re).He became such a strong Warrior that he precipate the Nubien Rebelion in one week virtually alone.One some Occasion he defeated Aphophis and was bitten by her although he was able to life ten years thank divine intervention with the cursed venom of the Dragon ,robe his Ka(old-egypt term for Liveforce) away and he finally died.

Appearance:He is a strongly build (of modern Standards viewed) average tall Man.He has middle-back lenght smooth Hair with some spiky wisps,He has brownish Skin and amber Eyes with a Green shine in the light.He wears a beige -Brown cloak ,arm protecters and armor-boots.

Personality:
He was a understanding,encouranging Emporer,He has a calm Demeanor and loosed it only if his Family or Kingdom is in Danger,then he became quite fast angered.His fighting Spirit can be compared with the of Chuchulin.Towards his Master he would act like in a encouraging,relaxed wayay(quite like Iskandar)

Abilities:
Strenght:B+
Endurance:C
Agility:B
Mana:A
Luck:A
Nobelphantasm:EX
His Skills:


Magic Resistence:A+
Riding:A

Personal Skills:
Affection of Sekhmet:Ex
It donates sethos Battle Continuation Rank B+,Mental Purification C(immunity against Mental interferences ),Poison Resistance Rank A+,Hieroglyph-Magecraft Rank C-,Eye of mind true (true) Rank C.
This are the Gifts of the Goddes Sekhmet.
Divinty:Rank C+
He received this Grade of Divinty through the exchanging of flesh with Seth.It grants him protection against Divine traited attacks.
Charisma:Rank B++.
Instinct:Rank A+

Hougu:

Rsatechu :a Gold Sword in eurpoean stly shaped sword that contains the Khopesh-Sword of Sethos own Blood and Flesh methamorfed into Seths divine flesh. The Sword bears nine Divine Seals and when he recite his Nebtiname :Wehem-mesut-sechem-chepes-der-pedjet-9 he can break one of the Seals then flows Seths Power out which make it Darker ,Change his shape slightly and Reiju like Patterns are showing up,then he using this power in a similar to Enuma-Elish like attack .With each seal-breaking becomes this attack stronger here is a power-scale(s=seal breaking):0.s=clarent/Balmung,2,s=Excaliber,5=shown Enuma Elish from stay night,7-8=Vasavi Shakti ,Then he can evoke the attack just with the calling of its true Name.with each breaking changes the Sword ist shape into a Black-flesh-like Sabre after the breaing of the last Seal ist emit/radiate Seth pure force and execute the summoning of Seth after some amount of time in this state its power could matching the full power of Ea and can crush a Reality Marble.He can use the Markings in Reiju like usage-Pattern to bost his states or to operate Divine Wonders Equal to true Magic.
He has also qualifications as Rider or Archer.

Please tell me how good it is.

[King of Padoru]

He was in the Meiji era what Saitama or Goku can be right now: an absurdly OP character that looks invincible because he's as strong as the author wants him to be. So it's not really my fault that he's wanked, he was already wanked when I started writing the sheet. I can change PC's rank, but Ninjutsu at EX rank is practically the basis of Sasuke's character, I can't really make it lower