Crack Fiction time! Anyway this is my first post, so I at least wanted to write something up for it. so, here is the epic of Emiya Shirou, master kitchen-man, as he goes on a quest to learn a SUPER TECHNIQUE.
Be perfectly honest in your comments, please. if you think it's crap, tell me why so i can work on it.
Fate/Stay Mad
Written by: a room full of monkeys
X=X=X=X
Shirou was in the dojo, pondering something.
He had gotten in trouble for it before, sure, but the more he thought about it, the more he figured he needed it.
A sure-kill finishing move, of course.
Saber had dismissed the idea when he first asked her, but… She was guilty of having her own finishing move, was she not? Assassin had tsubame gaeshi, Lancer had Gae Bolg, Rider had Bellerophon and even Gilgamesh, in his horde of treasures, had one that surpassed the others; Enuma Elish.
Even his human teacher, Kuzuki Souichirou, had his own finishing move. And Shirou didn’t even want to think about Bazett.
That’s when it hit him: he should ask all of the servants (excluding saber, as she already dismissed him) about obtaining a finishing move.
And so, Shirou’s quest for a finishing move BEGINS!
Assassin’s tutelage:
Shirou started with the easiest servant to locate: Assassin
“So, boy, I suppose there is a good reason for your visit today?”
Calm as always, Assassin was leaning against the temple gate, monohoshisao on his back. He didn’t even open his eyes when Shirou finally climbed all the steps to reach him. Good, a teacher has to be calm and composed, Shirou thought.
“Actually, I need your help. I need to learn an ultimate attack. Something on par with the noble phantasms of the other servants, or Tsubame Gaeshi. Seeing as you’re the only one that relies on pure skill, I thought I should ask you first.”
“Shirou Emiya, is there anything you truly hate?” Shirou said nothing, so Assassin continued. “I really hate birds. They would harass me every day, and every day I would try to slash them away. Eventually, I bent space-time and gave to them what was coming. That is my advice. Try hitting something you hate until you bend space-time.”
Shirou thought about this. What did he hate? Then it hit him. He knew what to swing at until space and time bent to his will.
Hours later:
“Geez, Shirou, why on earth did you try hitting Archer?”
Rin Tohsaka may have sounded concerned over Shirou’s bandage covered body, but Shirou knew better: she found the entire situation amusing.
“Assassin said that if I swing at something I hate every day, I’ll eventually bend space-time and obtain my super technique.”
Rin eventually asphyxiated and passed out, after a fair bit of laughter.
Rider’s tutelage:
“A… super technique?”
“Right. A sure kill move. A trump card. Something awesome and badass that will allow me to defeat Archer.”
So his goal had changed a bit, but he could not be blamed for this. Even with Avalon, his previous condition left him out of the war for 2 days. He wanted REVENGE.
“Well…” Medusa thought for a second. She was a person that had brought on the envy of the gods, eventually became a famed and feared monster (The source of her legend) to protect her sisters, but lost her sanity and killed her own sisters.
She really didn’t think she was the best source of advice when it came to obtaining power.
“Protect what you love, Emiya Shirou, and you have the power you desire. But, keep yourself from becoming drunk with power, or else you will find yourself destroying what you love.”
She had a sad look on her face, and Shirou felt ashamed of his current motivation. Defeat Archer? No, Shirou wanted to protect everyone. That’s why he wanted power.
“Thank you, Rider, you helped put my head on straight again. I’ll keep your words in mind in the future.”
And rider waved him away, her sad smile replaced with one of… pride?
Shirou felt his resolve swell as he returned home, keeping rider’s words in his head. Protect what you love, and you will obtain the power you desire.
And all that resolve was turned to anger and hatred when he saw Archer in his kitchen. HIS kitchen. The only ones allowed in there are those that he allows in there.
Archer (Along with Kotomine and Gilgamesh) was one of the people NOT allowed in his kitchen. Anyone else (apart from Kotomine and Girugamesh) was fine, just not Archer! (Along with Kotomine and Gurugamesh)
Protect what you love.
Those words resonated in his head as he walked up to Archer in the kitchen.
“What’s this, Emiya Shirou? So eager to try again?”
His voice was smug. He knew how much his (Or Kotomine’s or Gargamel’s) presence was not wanted in Shirou’s kitchen. And he reveled in the fact he was pissing off his younger self.
“Out.” It was a low sound, almost a whisper, yet even Saber and Rin in the dining room could hear his commanding tone. His voice now was that of a lion’s, driving fear into every living thing.
Yet if Emiya Shirou was a lion, then Archer was a dragon.
“Make me, boy.”
That drove Emiya Shirou over the edge.
Protect what you love, and you will have the power you desire.
Suddenly, Emiya Shirou was surrounded by kitchen utensils of all kinds. Meat knives, cheese knives, butter knives, ladles, frying pans, spatulas. Anything belonging in a kitchen was surrounding him, and he felt his love empower him.
Super Technique! TRUE KITCHEN BLADEWORKS
All the utensils aimed at Archer fired, only for Archer to laugh.
“Weak! You’re Weak, Emiya Shirou!”
Ultimate technique! FIVE STAR KITCHEN BLADEWORKS
Every one of Shirou’s projections, made of love and care, were destroyed by the callous archer’s high quality projections, obtained through cooking experience lasting decades longer than Shirou’s. His ladles were crushed, his knives broken and his frying pans destroyed.
Not only that, but Archer, one of the few people (Along with Kotomine and Gary) Shirou had sworn to keep away from the kitchen, now made it his stronghold. A crushing defeat and Shirou couldn’t even bear to show his face to Rin and Saber out of shame and humiliation.
“I’ll get you for this eventually, Archer! Wash your neck and wait for me!”
And so Emiya Shirou ran from his house, intent on learning an ultimate move that would allow him to obtain his kitchen once more.
Berserker’s tutelage:
“You know” Said Sella, not really caring “You’re going to die.”
“This is a comedy fic! No one dies!” Answered Shirou, the fires of hatred burning bright within him. “Besides, for my kitchen, I would give my life twenty times over!”
Sella could understand that, being a maid. If some random man came into the mansion and took over the kitchen, it wouldn’t matter if the food he made was superior. She would still try to force him out by any means.
Except perhaps by fighting Berserker for training, like Shirou had suggested.
“People learn to fight by fighting! Ergo, if I fight the strongest servant there is, Berserker, I’ll get stronger really quickly! And then, that bastard of an archer… he’ll be kicked out of the kitchen! No, kicked out of the house!”
“Go, onii-chan, I’ll be cheering for you!” Ilyasviel cheerily added to Shirou’s mad musings.
“Thank you, Ilya! Now, berserker, let’s do this!”
He turned to the dark skinned giant, projected kanshou and bakuya, and charged towards the greatest hero Greece had ever known.
Two seconds later, Shirou was face-down on the floor in a pool of his own blood.
Sella suppressed a snicker.
“Onii-chan! Get up!” He didn’t even twitch. So much for no deaths in a comedy fic, Sella thought. “Think of your kitchen, onii-chan! And think of me, Sella and Leysritt eating the food and telling you it’s delicious!”
He did more than twitch. On broken legs, he stood firm. With broken arms, he held a ladle and a frying pan. With a broken heart, he felt love for his kitchen and hate for archer.
With a broken mind, he saw Archer’s face instead of berserker’s.
The battle now was more than fair.
Wiseup!
New skills:
Battle continuation EX
Mad enhancement (against archer) A++
X=X=X=X=X
To be continued?
Seriously though, tell me what you think.