Create-a-Servant

[firloz]

Anon, the biggest problem from what I can tell is that in the "abstract" all of your stats and abilities might be correct, but Nasu mechanics don't exist merely in the abstract. All parameters have a notable real-world equivalent.

If we take your stats at face value

"Strength: B
Endurance: A
Agility: B+
Magic: B
Luck: A+"

this means that ness has "the strength of forty men", "the endurance of fifty men", "the dexdetiry and speed of forty men (sometimes 80 men)", "the magic potential of forty men" and "the combined luck of fifty men (sometimes a hundred)"

knowing as a general guideline that your average adult can lift well over 100 lbs, can survive a single bullet wound, can run 50 yards in about 6 seconds, has 0-3 magic circuits, and has enough luck to occasionally not die from being struck by lightning.

This means that the G-man can ostensibly lift 4000 lbs, take 50 shots to the body and live through it, can run 2000 (i think my math is correct there) yards in six seconds, has in the range of 40ish magic circuits, and is lucky enough that he should NEVER have had ANY problems with anything but unimaginably terrible scenarios (and even then have made it through not noticeably worse for the wear).

as for his class skills, I think I am fine with his independent action (I would probably even have gone up to B rank possibly, as a representation of his separation from the written law proper so that he could mete out punishment), and riding (though the plusses are just out, there is no need). I don't get why he has magic resistance at all beyond the standard magic resistance that a human would have (which is in the realm of a tenth of E-rank, which is not worth even mentioning).

Bravery might be right, but not at that rank, he gets an E, maybe a D (again each rank is worth effectively ten people's worth, meaning that at E he has the bravery of ten men, and at D of twenty men, the actual descriptions of the skills at various ranks are merely guides as to what exactly that 'means' in practical terms, but in statistical terms it is my understanding that the general guidelines for ranks still holds).

Charisma should be E, with a plus or two when dealing with law enforcement officers.

Martial arts? no, just no. A blackbelt in three schools of martial arts who was also famous for killing bears barehanded might qualify for E rank, and just barely at that (and even then I am iffy), joe schmoe who happened to know some martial arts? not a chance. He might 'maybe' make it halfway to E rank, but even that is probably pushing it.

Long arm of the law should be something like I dunno D rank? People are naturally quite adept at instinctively recreating events that they have seen, thus having even an E rank would be akin to photographic memory on the subject, D rank indicates full recreation of the event in terms of both mental memory and muscle memory. Since he lacks full use of it maybe its D-? but Ex is just out. Excalibur doesn't make Ex (though everything for noble phantasms 'is' two ranks higher than its skill/parameter equivalent) and it fires goddamn beams of absolute victory. Ea LITERALLY destroys entire worlds and makes Ex. Ex is for things that are just incomprehensible when being compared to human capability, even with all of the nuclear material in the whole world assembled together with as much additional explosive material humans STILL would not be able to destroy the world, hence Ea gets Ex. Being able to instantly copy a skill is well within the realm of human capability.

for his phantasms.

Chicago typewriter... Total wank, but the good kind. I think it is probably only D+ rank at best, but the general ability is fine and justified for the most part.

Untouchable agency could do everything you currently say it does and still be D or C rank with no issue (maybe even lower, as auras and manipulating people subconsciously is hard to measure accurately in general, and I can't think of an equivalent spell or existant phantasm to compare it too). It would hardly be conceptually binding at the same level as say Lancer's Geas about not eating dog, (or any of his dozen other geas) but it would certainly be enough to be useful.

in summary all of his stats should probably be dropped around 3 ranks (and the plusses are just pointless for him as I don't see the when they would apply), and his skills adjusted in the ways mentioned and then mechanically I see no real problems with him.

The bigger issue is that I don't see his legend as being Throneworthy in general (to be fair since most of the servants I write up are fictional I suppose that applies to most of mine as well :P), even amongst chicagolandians, where capone is at his most notable in my experience, Elliot is all but a non-entity. The only reason I immediately recognized him by name is because I did a paper on him in gradeschool (and I only knew about him THEN because I was obsessed/fascinated with gangsters in general at the time).

Hope this was constructive enough, and if not hope you have better luck elsewhere.

[Asdfghl]

Well, I hope this doesn't get shot to pieces.

Servant Lancer
True Name: Prokris
Alignment: Chaotic Good


Likes:
Cephalos


Dislikes:
Cephalos going hunting without her


Statistics:
Noble Phantasm: A
Strength: C
Endurance: D
Agility: C+
Luck: E
Magical Energy: C

Appearance:

No idea.

Legend:

I tried to stick closely to the legends, but the legends are contradictory, so...


As a child, Prokris was very close to her sisters, to the point where they swore an oath to commit suicide if any of them died. Chthonia, the youngest, was sacrificed by their father so that he could fulfill a prophecy to win a battle. Her other sisters (bar Orithyia, who had gone missing (kidnapped by Boreas, but that's for another time) killed themselves, but Prokris, being desperately in love, refused to commit suicide. She became estranged from her previously close family, but her marriage to her beloved Kephalos helped her forget.

Kephalos loved to hunt. Prokris had never really seen the appeal of hunting, but two months after their marriage, she reluctantly let him out of her sight for a hunting trip. As he was hunting, Eos, Goddess of the Dawn, saw him and, wanting a lover, kidnapped him. Kephalos rejected her advances, but she refused to let him go for eight years.

Prokris could no longer go to her family, and Kephalos had disappeared. She spent those eight years lonely, frustrated, and depressed.

After the eight years, Eos, bitter about her rejection, allowed Kephalos to leave. However, she told Kephalos that Prokris would have forgotten about him. She loaded him with gifts, changed his appearance, and sent him home. When he arrived, curious about Prokris's faithfulness, he sent a servant to tell her that a stranger had fallen for her and was willing to pay for sex. Prokris was running out of money, doubting Kephalos's return, and sexually frustrated, on top of her insecurity (did her husband run away from her?) and lack of a confidant. She eventually invited him in, and then Kephalos revealed himself.

Prokris got angry, decided she hated men, and left to Artemis's hunting grounds, seeking to join the goddess's hunting band. Artemis wanted to take her in, but her own rules only allowed virgins to become members, so she kept Procris for as long as she could to train her, then gave her a magical javelin that always hit its target and a hunting dog that always caught its quarry and told her to go home and humiliate her her husband at hunting.

Prokris went home, but, upon seeing Kephalos, broke down and begged for his forgiveness, offering the javelin and dog to her husband. They reconciled, and went on a hunting trip together. Eventually, on the hunting trip, they split up. Kephalos called to Aura, (the breeze), to refresh him, a habit he'd developed while Procris was gone with Artemis. Procris happened to hear, and silently snuck over to listen. When she saw that it was only the breeze, she was overjoyed and she stepped on a twig. Kephalos heard the noise, thought it was a boar, and threw the javelin at the source of the sound, impaling Prokris. She remained alive until her husband came, gave him her last words, and then died.


Class Skills

- Magic Resistance
Protection against Magecraft. Differently from the Resistance effect that merely rejects Prana by cycling Od, this ability cancels the spells altogether. It should be noted that the term "verse" refers to a set of three lines. Thus, a chant of two verses is equivalent to a Six-Line incantation.

D: This Servant was alive during the Age of the Gods, when Magecraft was far stronger. Single-Action spells are canceled.


Personal Skills

- Battle Continuation
The ability to not immediately die when you are killed. This skill measures the strength of vitality in predicaments.

C: This Servant held on to mortal life long enough to give her husband a last message.


- Hunter of Artemis
This Servant was trained in hunting by Artemis herself. Bonuses against Phantasmal Beasts and males may be given, as well as boosts to ability under moonlight.

C: This Servant was trained in hunting by Artemis for a period of time. She receives a slight bonus against Greek Phantasmal Beasts, and doubled AGI while under moonlight.


Noble Phantasms


Laelaps ~ Howling Hound of the Windstorm

Rank A Target-Seeking Noble Phantasm

A gift from the Goddess Artemis. It was said to have been given by Zeus to Europa. It normally manifests as a docile whippet-like hound. When its true name is invoked, it is revealed as a golden streak of light that shrieks and follows the path of the target, even into the future. It can find anything tangible, but a specific thing must be named (Find me Servant Archer will work, if only one Servant Archer is in the world at that time, but find me food is not a proper qualifier. Find me the nearest supply of food is a valid command.). After Prokris's death, Kephalos used it to hunt down the Teumessian Fox, which could never be caught. Zeus turned them both to stone to prevent a paradox, technically allowing the hound to fulfill its purpose and stop the fox. (A technicality I always wanted to point out when I was younger.)

As a Conceptual Arnament, it possesses a high level of mystery, and, as such, cannot be nullified by magic resistance or Prana cycling, although they will slow it down. Also, it pretty much neuters Assassins with Presence Concealment less than its rank. Presence Concealment of its rank will merely slow Laelaps' pursuit.



Kephalos ~ The Inevitable Javelin

Rank D Anti-Unit Noble Phantasm

D: A gift from the Goddess Artemis. Once the javelin is thrown, it always hits its target. It is not always lethal, but has 100% accuracy. Unfortuately, most Servants can just tank the attack, equivalent to only a B rank normal attack, or, if they know of its properties and have sufficient skill, tap or grab the shaft. Dipping it in poison for use against Masters is advised. The only way to fully stop it would be to destroy it or use a Conceptual Defence, such as Rho Aias. Named after her husband.

[Lycodrake]

Class: Caster, Ruler
Titles: Sage-King Controlling the Waters, Xian Founder, Xiangliu Slayer
**True Name: Dà Yǔ
Alignment: Neutral Good

Background/History:

Spoiler:

The legendary founder and first ruler of the Xian Dynasty, also most famous for his work in flood control and the slaying of Xiangliu. He was the 8th great-grandson of the Yellow Emporer, and grew up on the slopes of Mount Song, just south of the Yellow River.

During the time of great flooding under King Yao, his father Gun toiled over developing a system to control the surging waters. Despite nine years of managing the construction of dams and dikes, his father’s efforts were futile, and so it fell to Yu to complete the task.

He used the same methods and tools as his father for years without any hope or sign of progress, until an agriculture master by the name of Houji approached him: Gong Gong, the now lame monstrous beast of water, had sent his minister Xiangliu to both destroy the efforts to control the flood, but was also restricting any other methods to be thought of.

Yu questioned the diviner for a solution for the beast, and he received one answer: he would have to travel to the center of the monster’s chaos and confront it. No time for his wife Tushan and son Qi would or could be allowed. The millet lord did not follow him, but upon reaching the foot of Mount Longmen, the ground shook and he was greeted by a strange dark beast made of the night sky, one part tortoise, the other that of a snake. Without a chance to blink, he found himself holding a battleaxe, “Yellow scion, go. You have the will; here is your way.”

The battle began and ended so quickly Yu didn’t know if it was real or just a hopeful nightmare, but awoke in his home in bandages, his wife and son at his side. He rose quickly in esteem and went on to become the founding Emperor of the Xian. In the years before he died, he would ask to be taken to see the stars at night with his battleaxe wrapped up in his arms. He died at a ripe old age, looking back to the foggy battle.

-Note: After death it would be claimed that he had fought nine men from the west that had been sabotaging the dams and dikes and destroying records of alternate plans, wielding only battleaxe he held close to him on those starry nights.

Strength: B (D+)
Endurance: C-
Agility: C (E+)
Mana: A+
Luck: C+

Noble Phantasms: B++

Class Skills

Item Construction is the skill to manufacture items.
**C- - at this master level charms and talismans against magecraft can be made. Caster is not proficient in this art, explaining the possible rank down.

Territory Creation is the skill to build a special terrain that is advantageous to oneself as a magus.
**B - Creation of a “Workshop” becomes possible.


Personal Skills

Bravery is the ability to negate mental interference such as pressure, confusion and fascination. Not usable under the effects of Mad Enhancement.
**C - For facing the flood and Xiangliu head-on, despite fears.

Protection from Water is analogous to Protection from Wind.
**EX - At this rank, water cannot harm Caster. His Master falls under this protection unless as a direct physical attack.

Eye of the Mind (False) is the innate talent to sense and avoid danger based on intuition, that can be called a Sixth Sense prescience, gained through many ordeals and adventures.
**C+


Noble Phantasms

**Xuan Wu - Axe of the Dark North Celestial General
Type: Support, Anti-Evil, Anti-Unit
Rank: B

The battleaxe granted unto Yu by its namesake, which allows for Yu’s water control to extend to the realm of magic, governing any and all fresh- and sea-water within the ley line he is standing over. It could also be considered the crystallization of the creature he had met, though only a fraction of such power.

The Snake General, She Jiang, is the governance to attack, and raises Yu’s Attack and Agility; the Tortoise General, Jin Gui Jiang, is the governance to defend - it does not, however, raise his Endurance. Yu is only able to use one of these two at a time and must actively make a calm breath before transitioning between one and the other.

-Note: Certain skills’ ranks may be raised due to this Noble Phantasm, but are most assured to be active at evening and into the night.


**Da Honshui - The Great Flood of China
Type: Anti-Army
Rank: EX

The flood that Yu, and his father Gun before him, labored to control - Yu unleashes this by allowing for the axe Xuan Wu to break. It is an unknown quantity - effectively a suicide attack. Caster will not use this while his Master is alive and not in imminent mortal danger. It can be considered nine consecutive B++ rank water-element attacks.

xxxxxxx

So I decided to do this a while back and finally find it acceptable.
For those of you native to China, I hope I did alright. ^^

[firloz]

asdfghl, mag resistance should probably be C, Being alive during the age of Gods goes a long way in magic resistance if memory serves, modern magecraft is not at all comparable in power to magic of that period, thus I would imagine that anyone who lived then has a certain amount of inherent magic resistance.

[You]

AOG Alex

D rank MR.
It has more to do with the legends of encountering magecraft.

[Asdfghl]

Surprised that we don't have an Argonaut-man

Name: Jason
Class: Rider
Gender: Male
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Okay, this all checks out.

Bio:
-Background
One of the most famous figures in Greek Mythology. The son of Aeson, the rightful king Iolcus, and husband to the magus, Medea. His legend existed in 1200 BC or thereabouts, he is the famous captain of the Argo.
A leader of extraordinary heroes, he could be called the Captain America of the ancient world, leading the likes of Atlanta, Hercules, Orpheus, Bellerophon, Nestor, Pollux, Theseus, and Persus, on a quest to find the fabled Golden Fleece and regain the throne that was rightfully his.
However, most of legend is attributed to that of his wife helping him, thereby compared to the heroes that he ruled, he has rather low parameters.
A hero of the heroes, he was blessed by the mother goddess Hera at the beginning of his journey, and it was thought his fate would be one of greatness.
However, his life was one of tragedy and heartbreak.
For that reason, Jason not only defied, but utterly violated his fate of greatness only to die, homeless, under the hull of his rotting ship. Didn't he die when the hull fell over? I could be wrong...
It is not an exaggeration that his Luck stat is so high as to high have such a high amount of fate defying Prowers Powers only meant tragedy for his hero with a brilliant fate. Since he got hit HARD by Fate in the end, shouldn't his luck be pret low?
Not that he cares though.

-The Man with One Sandal
Peilas, uncle of Jason and usurper to the throne, in fear that one day he would be overthrown consulted an oracle, and was told to beware the man with one sandal.
Thinking that was completely stupid, Peilas forgot all about that and many years later held games in honor of his father Posiden. The youth Jason decided to test his worth in these games, and travelled to Iolcus. On his way he helped an old woman cross the river Anauros, while helping her cross the river he lost one of his sandals. Now, the woman he helped turn out to be the goddess Hera in disguise who then blessed him.
When he arrived in the city, he was announced as the “man with one sandal,” which is when Pelias sent him to retrieve the Golden Fleece.
It would be this blessing by Hera that would allow Jason to go through many hardships and adventures; however, he lost the blessing towards the end of his life as a result for breaking his vow to love Medea forever.

Parameters:
Strength: C
Endurance: C
Agility: B
Mana: C
Luck: A+
Noble Phantasm: A

Class Skills:
Magic Resistance: B
Cancels spells with an incantation below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult to be affected.

Riding: A plus
Creatures on the level of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast can be used as mounts. However this does not apply to members of the Dragon Kind.

Personal Skills:
Voyager of Storms: A
The talent to impel a ship and all those who identify with it. Because the ability as a group leader is also necessary this skill confers Charisma and Military Tactics.
At A rank, and because of Jason’s legend, it confers a D plus in Charisma and a D rank in Military Tactics.

Eye of the Mind (False): D
An innate talent to sense and avoid danger based on intuition that can also be called the Sixth Sense or prescience, gained through many ordeals and adventures. As a natural talent to avoid danger based on the "perception and resolution of the current situation."
Jason’s rank in this should be higher, but he relied too much on his wife on his adventures and not enough on himself. The rank he has is from watching her do all the dirty work and the from the time when he didn't have her to rely on.

Protection from Flames (False): B+
Rather than a charm or a spell, this is an ointment that Jason spreads on himself to protect himself from flames. Made by his wife, it originally served as way to ride his Noble Phantasm. The ointment will protect him from any flame that comes from a phantasmal species, however, in the case of a normal flame, the protection only goes up to that of nine hundred and ninety-nine degrees Celsius. The ointment is ineffective against Dragon Kind, however will reduce the damage of their flames slightly. The ointment also ranks up strength and endurance. The ointment lasts for twenty four hours before the need for reapplication.

Argon Coin: EX Isn't this technically a sealed Noble Phantasm.
A golden fleece. Supposedly a dragon will be summoned when dropped onto the ground. Since Jason does not have the knowledge to summon this creature, it can only be used to destroy the economy and help the gold standard. Dangerous. :P

Noble Phantasms:
Name: Boustrophedon
Title: Conditions of the Khalkoutauroi
Type: Anti-Army
Rank: A+
Range: 2-50
Maximum Number of Targets: 100
Description:
Unlike two certain Rider’s Noble Phantasms, this is never the fastest charge, nor the attack, but the Noble Phantasm is the set of conditions that determine the damage and the force of the plough.
First the plough is the one that Jason used to sow King Aeetes field with the teeth of dragons. It is drawn by two bronze bulls that breathe fire. These bulls would usually be considered as part of the Monsterous Beast class; however, they are both Divine Constructs, created by the God and Divine Spirit of Smiting Hephaestus thereby designating them as Divine Beasts of the highest order. If the Bulls themselves were Noble Phantasms they would each be ranked A plus plus.
Its top speed is five hundred kilometers per hour.
Generally this Noble Phantasm offers an increase of AC 130, but how this Noble Phantasm works can be split into split into two parts.
First when the Noble Phantasm is activated two checks are made on the opponent, a Strength Check for the mechanical plough and then a Magic Check for the flames.
The Strength Check and Magic Check are met if the opponents Strength or Magic Stat are equal or higher than Rider’s own stats.
If neither stat check are met the opponent takes the full brunt of the Noble Phantasm’s numerical damage. Furthermore, dragon tooth warriors sprout out wherever the plough’s trail and attacks the opponent.
If only one of the stat checks are made then the proportion of the attack is changed to reflect the stat checks. Each difference of a numerical rank up, is a proportion change of ten percent. For example: against a Servant with A rank Strength and D rank Magic, the proportions of fire to mechanical power will be 60 percent to 40 percent, in favor of the Mechanical power. This is the Noble Phantasm’s automatic balancing principle that is based on the opponent.
This means the more flames that are needed, the less force there is to attack with, with that being said, every ten percent increase in the flame’s proportion means a ten percent decrease in the total attack output of the Noble Phantasm. In an extreme case, the Noble Phantasm can be reduce to a numerical fifty; however, the Rank is constant.
Furthermore, if the Noble Phantasm in the side of Mechanical power, the Magical Resistance of the bulls is lowered to Jason’s Magic Resistance, and the Bull’s divine protection against flames is also reduced to that of Jason’s rank of protection from flames.
However, if the Magic Check is the one that is met Protection from Flames is further raised so that flames can no longer harm the rider.
Usually, the plough can only be harmed by the flames of Dragon Kind.
If both Magic and Strength Checks are met, a third check is required for the progression of the Noble Phantasm. This is an Agility Check. The Agility Check works on the same principle as the other two checks. If the Agility Check is not met then the Noble Phantasm ranks down to C plus and damage is decreased.
However, if the Agility Check is matched the true power of the Divine Construct can be released.
First the differences between all the opponents’ stat checked stats and Jason’s stats are added on as Noble Phantasm values. The maximum total of this Noble Phantasm is 149 when the stats are added on, however since this is a Divine Construct, this is not the limit, if say… a Command Spell was used.
All saving roll can then be quartered at the cost of 50 AC.
However due to the decrease of AC, the Noble Phantasm is now allowed a full transfer of power to either the Flames or Mechanical Power. In this case, Magic Resistance and Protection from Flames are not changed.
Jason likes to call this a Noble Phantasm befitting a hero as a hero is a complex existence.
Anyone else would call it a needlessly complex Noble Phantasm.
I get the impression that this Jason is part lazy bum who relies on Luck and Medea, part MAJOR Cloudcookoolander (I bet he'd like Rube Goldberg machines.). Points for characterization (that I might have just accidentally read in) but it's still ridiculously needlessly complex.

Name: The Argo
Title: The Swiftest Ship
Type: Anti-Army
Rank: C++
Range: 1-20
Maximum Number of Targets: 70
Description: The ship that bore the Argonauts to Aia, it has seen the rise and fall of the Heroic Spirit Jason and therefore is what symbolizes the naïve hero.
Usually it has AC 90; this is because it is blessed by the goddess of marriage and the patron goddess of Jason, Hera, and that it is made with the wood from the sacred forest of Dodona. After its journey to retrieve the Golden Fleece it was turned into the constellation of Argo Navis. This part of its legend allows the ship to fly through the night sky.
If the ship encounters a Heroic Spirit with either Protection of Faith with C rank or higher, the AC is reduced by 30. The same also happens if the opponent happens to have a C rank in Divinity or higher. If the opponent happens to have both, then this Noble Phantasm reverts back to its standard C rank.
As on its prow is the wood of the tree of Dodona, it also has the gift of prophecy that is… precognition through calculating the past of the air that it is touching.
Like a certain Rider’s flagship, parts of this ship can also be detached and summoned, like the armory, or the sails and as it is part of the stars, it has the ability to sail through the night sky, the moment dawn approaches though, the ship will start falling to the earth.
Pretty cool, but what does it actually do (As an attack)? Not that piloting a starship (aha see wat I did thar) isn't awesome enough, but an attack might spice it up. Does it ram enemies? Is the ship an instrument of fate, and thus it smashes those with E rank Luck? Can Jason summon it directly on top of an enemy and crush them to death? As a constellation, does it have extra power when visible and in the proper hemisphere? Can he just summon sails and fly around with them? Can he do Very Limited Blade Works style sword shooting with the armory?

TL;DR
I don't mean to hate on your profile, I just like editing. It looks interesting, and, this being Fate, makes sure to account for the Jason who dumped Medea aspect. Eye of the Mind (False) dropping is a nice touch. However, the Argo could use some spicing up.


- - - Updated - - -

AOG Alex

D rank MR.
It has more to do with the legends of encountering magecraft.

Yeah sorry to double-post but I agree. I'd edit it (D rank) in, but this iPad is being weird right now. Let me try again.

[Lycodrake]

Lack of response is a bit discouraging, but if I had to guess, that's probably due to time zone differences.

Next on my list:
1. Archer, Berserker - Arcas
2. Rider - Noah
3. Caster, Ruler - Solomon
4. Avenger - Pandora
5. Assassin, Avenger - Cain
5. Lancer, Avenger - Longinus

[Asdfghl]

Class: Caster, Ruler Can Axemen be Sabers? (Tlahuicole)
Titles: Sage-King Controlling the Waters, Xian Founder, Xiangliu Slayer
**True Name: Dà Yǔ
Alignment: Neutral Good
A Chinese Hero I actually know! Pity that all I know about him was that he stopped floods and (I think) was eventually deified. Divinity Skill?
Background/History:

Spoiler:

The legendary founder and first ruler of the Xian Dynasty, also most famous for his work in flood control and the slaying of Xiangliu. He was the 8th great-grandson of the Yellow Emporer, and grew up on the slopes of Mount Song, just south of the Yellow River.

During the time of great flooding under King Yao, his father Gun toiled over developing a system to control the surging waters. Despite nine years of managing the construction of dams and dikes, his father’s efforts were futile, and so it fell to Yu to complete the task.

He used the same methods and tools as his father for years without any hope or sign of progress, until an agriculture master by the name of Houji approached him: Gong Gong, the now lame monstrous beast of water, had sent his minister Xiangliu to both destroy the efforts to control the flood, but was also restricting any other methods to be thought of.

Yu questioned the diviner for a solution for the beast, and he received one answer: he would have to travel to the center of the monster’s chaos and confront it. No time for his wife Tushan and son Qi would or could be allowed. The millet lord did not follow him, but upon reaching the foot of Mount Longmen, the ground shook and he was greeted by a strange dark beast made of the night sky, one part tortoise, the other that of a snake. Without a chance to blink, he found himself holding a battleaxe, “Yellow scion, go. You have the will; here is your way.”

The battle began and ended so quickly Yu didn’t know if it was real or just a hopeful nightmare, but awoke in his home in bandages, his wife and son at his side. He rose quickly in esteem and went on to become the founding Emperor of the Xian. In the years before he died, he would ask to be taken to see the stars at night with his battleaxe wrapped up in his arms. He died at a ripe old age, looking back to the foggy battle.

-Note: After death it would be claimed that he had fought nine men from the west that had been sabotaging the dams and dikes and destroying records of alternate plans, wielding only battleaxe he held close to him on those starry nights.

Strength: B (D+)
Endurance: C-
Agility: C (E+)
Mana: A+
Luck: C+

Noble Phantasms: B++

Class Skills

Item Construction is the skill to manufacture items.
**C- - at this master level charms and talismans against magecraft can be made. Caster is not proficient in this art, explaining the possible rank down.

Territory Creation is the skill to build a special terrain that is advantageous to oneself as a magus.
**B - Creation of a “Workshop” becomes possible.


Personal Skills

Bravery is the ability to negate mental interference such as pressure, confusion and fascination. Not usable under the effects of Mad Enhancement.
**C - For facing the flood and Xiangliu head-on, despite fears.

Protection from Water is analogous to Protection from Wind.
**EX - At this rank, water cannot harm Caster. His Master falls under this protection unless as a direct physical attack.
So if I throw water at him, does it stop in midair? Does it refuse to leave the cup? Does it hit him, but do no impact force? If I dump him underwater in the ocean, does he still have the ability to breathe? Does it work like Apocrypha Frankenstein's Monster's Galvanism (is it Galvanization?) which is a proper EX ranked skill (at least, if you think Apocrypha is canon)?

Eye of the Mind (False) is the innate talent to sense and avoid danger based on intuition, that can be called a Sixth Sense prescience, gained through many ordeals and adventures.
**C+


Noble Phantasms

**Xuan Wu - Axe of the Dark North Celestial General
Type: Support, Anti-Evil
Rank: B- Why the negative modifier?

The battleaxe granted unto Yu by its namesake, which allows for Yu’s water control to extend to the realm of magic, governing any and all fresh- and sea-water within the ley line he is standing over. It could also be considered the crystallization of the creature he had met, though only a fraction of such power.

The Snake General, She Jiang, is the governance to attack, and raises Yu’s Attack and Agility; the Tortoise General, Jin Gui Jiang, is the governance to defend - it does not, however, raise his Endurance. Yu is only able to use one of these two at a time and must actively make a calm breath before transitioning between one and the other.

-Note: Certain skills’ ranks may be raised due to this Noble Phantasm, but are most assured to be active at evening and into the night.


**Da Honshui - The Great Flood of China
Type: Anti-Army
Rank: EX

The flood that Yu, and his father Gun before him, labored to control - Yu unleashes this by allowing for the axe Xuan Wu to break. It is an unknown quantity - effectively a suicide attack. Caster will not use this while his Master is alive and not in imminent mortal danger. It can be considered nine consecutive B++ rank water-element attacks.
Well, you posted the EX Rank. Technically, an EX rank Noble Phantasm should be beyond measure; however, Avalon, Ea, and Ionoi Hetairoi all can be measured (although we don't see Saber use Avalon the way it's meant to be used and Ea can break half a planet if fully charged (I think. Don't quote me on this; I'm not in the mood for power level ranting.) so I will leave this up to the others who will doubtless go crazy over this.
xxxxxxx

So I decided to do this a while back and finally find it acceptable.
For those of you native to China, I hope I did alright. ^^

Interesting Servant. Honestly, I'm jealous I didn't come up with him first.

[Spinach]

Interesting Servant. Honestly, I'm jealous I didn't come up with him first.

I like you. Keep doing this.

[Five_X]

The red orange truth!

[G-Man]

@ You - I liked your Jason. He has such... I'm going to say character because I can't think of a better way of saying it, but I can picture him as a living, breathing human being who I may have met or might meet. Kind of wonder why this incarnation of him was unfaithful to Medea as he doesn't come off as such a huge jerk. I like how you had his high LCK work against him since he should have been fated to have a glorious life (reminds me of that one joke post about how Gil has Rank A LCK because his "fate" was to steamroll every HGW he participates in, but he somehow always blows it due to his arrogance).

@ Asdfghl - I liked her. Nice to see a Greek myth that I don't remember reading when I was younger. I also like the hax hunting dog (dogs being my favorite pet)!

@ Lyco - Sorry I am late in responding, but I thought Yu was great! As I was reading it it I was thinking, "Damn, Lyco! You see!? You can really do it when you try!" My only questions are these: 1. Under what conditions are his stats lowered (since I notice he has lower stats next to his regular stats listed)? 2. In the description for his axe, you mention a snake general and a tortoise general. For me that comes out of left field. Who or what are these two "generals"? Are they names for abilities the axe grants him?

Asdfghl also brought up an interesting question as to how his immunity from water works. Can he walk on water like Saber does in Zero?

[Vagrant]

Lack of response is a bit discouraging, but if I had to guess, that's probably due to time zone differences.

Next on my list:
1. Archer, Berserker - Arcas
2. Rider - Noah
3. Caster, Ruler - Solomon
4. Avenger - Pandora
5. Assassin, Avenger - Cain
5. Lancer, Avenger - Longinus

Damn it. Mine is still not even half-completed, but I had the exact same idea. It's perfect for Pandora. Cain I kind of get as Avenger but I think it may be a bit tenuous, as opposed to there being fairly ample evidence that Pandora's myth was totally corrupted to make a "women are evilz" message. And Longinus I don't really get as Avenger but I'd look forward to seeing it. I like Lycodrake bios.

[Verg Avesta]

I don't get anyone in the Avenger class. That's like putting Heroic Spirits in the "Assasin, Sasaki Kojiro" Class.

[aldeayeah]

Yeah, okay. I'm done with this forum. I came here hoping for some constructive criticism. Instead, I found out that it's everyone's personal mission to give people shit and be as condescending as possible. Have fun with that. I think you're all assholes.

I'm afraid that has become one of the staples of this thread. If it helps, I'm glad you've stepped up and posted your creation, even if it doesn't fit in well within then canon setting, and wouldn't like a creative, participative member of the forum to leave for such a reason.

Personally, I feel that most criticism would be more palatable if people would say "I would have done it like this" instead of "you shouldn't have done it like that", even if the underlying reasoning were the same.

Then again, expecting nonviolent communication from random Internet strangers is a bit naive. Maybe it would be better for you if you tried not to take offense so easily. Of course, ragequitting is also a choice; that's up to you.

(Also, the whole "Modern people cannot naturally become heroes" rule is and has always been utter bullshit, made up be some guy in Japan with too big of a hard-on for the feudal era...AND the series itself has contradicted it in the past.)

Well, the guy in Japan happens to be the creator of the setting. If that's your opinion, it's important that you make it clear from the beginning. Like, put a disclaimer that you are deliberately bending certain rules of the setting. That way, people will know where you're coming from, and the tone of their responses will be different too.

[Petrikow]

Then again, expecting nonviolent communication from random Internet strangers is a bit naive.

I don't think violence is a concept that applies on the internet.

[aldeayeah]

It's a psychology thing.

[qsurf]

Except that after the first post Anon was extremely defensive, and immediately took on a hostile tone. The moment it was clear that Anon could not take criticism very well, the forumers knew exactly it was leading because we've been through it before, quite a number of times from folks who came here (typemoon central) and went "screw the rules".

[aldeayeah]

I don't think piling up on the guy who can't take criticism way is a good course of action, either. It leads to escalating drama, and if you've seen it before you know how it ends.

[Vagrant]

Maybe not, but there's a certain saying I'm a fan of: "Buck up, sunshine". Nothing that was said was anything other than constructive as people told him exactly why they felt there were issues, so there's a certain expectation that people posting their creations will take said criticisms relatively graciously. Especially as it's the internet, and anyone who can't take criticism like this (which was honestly rather mild and helpful in tone for the most part) is not going to do well in most areas of the internet beyond BL.

[firloz]

So yeah, I'm a bad person, and yeah this is a charactersheet for a character from a fanfiction... Not to be taken wholly seriously (though mechanically it should be accurate).


King of Swords

Class: Saber (though meets the qualifications for any of the standard classes except for rider)
Age: Looks to be in his young twenties
Height: 187 Cm
Weight: 78 Kg

Appearance: A tall lean man with golden eyes and reddish brown hair that is going white in places. He wears a strange garb that consists of a black leather breastplate connected to an azure trench-like coat attachment that covers his collar and arms, as well as flowing down past his back. His pants are a charcoal grey with straps to hold them in place. On his back lies a thick cylindrical scabbard with a cross-pommel and handle sticking out.

History: Summoned from his home world by a "failure" of a mage during her rite of passage summoning ritual, Saber went on to bring himself and his master to greatness. During his time in that other world he managed no small list of incredible feats. Ultimately being single-handedly responsible for the preservation of his master's nation, and later being the impetus that allowed peace to be bartered throughout the entire continent. He is both feared and revered as a historic figure, mostly depending on who one would ask. By his friends and associates he was a man without peer, whose blunt honesty and willingness to sacrifice himself for others being without bounds, by his enemies he was the single most terrifying and threatening being to have ever existed. By his master he is the role-model who she hopes she does honor to long after his final death. Throughout his life he only wished for death so as to be reunited with his long-lost lover in the afterlife.

True name: Emiya Shiro

Str C
End C
Agl C
Mag C
Luk C
NP E-A++


Personal Skills

Clairvoyence C

Through the use of Reinforcement Magic Saber is capable of granting himself superhuman vision.

Eye of the Mind (true) B

His early life was spent learning the skills of battle against the greatest heroes throughout time. His later life was spent doing battle time and again in another world entirely, all the while honing and refining his skills

Magecraft D-C

His magecraft is below-average though he has an above average number of good quality circuits. He can use a limited amount of traditional magecraft, but most spells are beyond his grasp. On the other hand he has a surprisingly thorough knowledge of Halkegenian magic.

Gandalfr The Right Hand of God Ex

Being blessed with the runes of the Gandalfr in life, he receives their blessing even in death. While wielding any sort of weapon Shiro obtains knowledge and technique of how to wield it as if he had an A rank in its use. He also receives rank up to all stats while wielding anything that is a 'weapon' by design.

King of Blades A

Shiro was known throughout all of Halkegenia for his deeds, many of them so famous that their influence carried with him to the throne. Most notably are several partiular incidents that bestowed powers unto his legend. Incidents of note that granted his legend power include.

Saxe-Gotha

Shiro's infamy for single handedly routing the Albion army has become famous to the point the point of him obtaining myth-like status. Anyone who knows his true identity receives rank down on all parameters unless they have a bravery (or equivalent) of at least D rank.

Undine Knights

Due to his position as the sub-commander, and also as the man who trained the commander Guide de Gramont, he has acquired the skills necessary to lead an army. This grants him the equivalent of C rank Charisma, and Military Tactics.

Slaying of the Pope

At the end of his life Shiro attacked and slew the Pope of Romalia, Vittorio. His actions leading up to and afterwards branded himself and the Duchess of Emptiness as heretics. When summoned it will cause both himself and his master to be disfavored by the church, and will be marked as people to kill by the church.

Let their Blood run red.

Shiro was known for his extreme distaste for orcs, due to the fact that they eat children. At one point he went and slaughtered an entire colony of them to the last living being. When fighting against orcs, or other goblinoids, Shiro recieves rank up to his str.

Friend to all reptiles.

In his life he was unusually beloved by all manner of reptiles ranginf from garden snakes to wind dragons. Shiro surmized that it was do to his relationship with Arturia who herself had a legend closely tied to dragons. All reptilian beings are unimaginably friendly at best, and pleasant at worst when interacting with Shiro.

Karin Vallier's matrimony proposals

Shiro spent a good portion of his later years avoiding his Master, Louise the Duchess of Emptiness,'s mother. Do to the involved events Shiro receives a full rank down for all stats when near a pink haired woman. The stats take a - penalty in addition whenever he is in an encounter with anyone of the valliere family.


Noble Phantasms

Derflinger A

This sentient blade is known as "the magic drinker" due to its ability to absorb magic it comes into contact with. Derf was wielded originally by the first Gandalfr who served the prophet Brimir. Derflinger is capable of controlling his wielder's movement to some extent (such as getting his master to move after falling unconscious, or slight changes in movement in an emergency). Derflinger's most unique ability (and what caused him to truly be a noble phantasm rather than a powerful sentient blade) is that even when broken he can move his 'self' into another weapon, his new body need not be a blade. It is presumed that his new self will obtain some form of magic drinking properties. He can dispel magics he comes into contact with of up to B rank safely, and can absorb spells of A rank or higher, but doing so will cause him to shatter afterwards. Due to their relationship in life, and Derflinger's own unusual properties, Shiro will never create a copy of him using his reality marble.

Unlimited Blade Works E-A++ (see heroic spirit EMIYA)




my biggest problem is that I couldn't think of a suitable way to work the "came back from the dead seven times" part of his 'legend' into this in a satisfactory manner... anyone who has read the story and/or its not-written-by-the-same-author sequel who has a suggestion I am open to it.

aaaand I still suck at formatting text on the interwebs....