Create-A-Servant 2

[Alexcoene]

@Rainbow Serpent: To be honest, I'm really taken by the concept of the sheet. I don't think you can really make a intersesting creator god servantand it doesn't seem to have enough personallity and motivation to really be counted as a character. The fact that you haven't written any personnality or description only serves to convince me that it shouldn't have been a servant in the first place. It skills and stats seems really underpowered. While it's true that it capacity would naturally be lowered, a chief god should have a higher Territory Creation and Item Construction. Also, for such seemingly powerful effects, his NP are painfully vague. You should add far more details on what they can and can't do. You should also explain why he has his second NP.

@Chekhov: While the sheet is generally well-done, the NP is horrendously overpowered. No servant should influence the Throne itself, especially such a relatively recent one who was known only for writing. Furthermore, it has a very flimsy reasoning for having this effect. I think you could do more interesting things with the concept of the Chekhov's Gun than "erase opponent". It definitely needs to be changed. Furthermore; I don't think his Mana stat should be so high. Edit: Also, you totally missed the chance of making him an Archer instead of another Caster writer.

[Dionysian_Lumberjack]

I noticed that a lot of Servants made here have powers that permanently erase other servants. Is there a reason for that?

[Alexcoene]

I noticed that a lot of Servants made here have powers that permanently erase other servants. Is there a reason for that?

Wich ones? I don't recall any aside from Chekhov here.

[Ail Don]

I hadn't thought of a writer Servant being an Archer, but it's an interesting concept I'll experiment with if only for the inclusion of the gun.
My idea was to try to make a worse Anderson but with an NP to make up for his summoning, a total glass cannon. I'll sit on Chekhov's Gun until I think of something else.

[WhatShouldNotBe]

@Rainbow Serpent: To be honest, I'm really taken by the concept of the sheet. I don't think you can really make a intersesting creator god servantand it doesn't seem to have enough personallity and motivation to really be counted as a character. The fact that you haven't written any personnality or description only serves to convince me that it shouldn't have been a servant in the first place. It skills and stats seems really underpowered. While it's true that it capacity would naturally be lowered, a chief god should have a higher Territory Creation and Item Construction. Also, for such seemingly powerful effects, his NP are painfully vague. You should add far more details on what they can and can't do. You should also explain why he has his second NP.

The sheet was slightly slap-hazardly put together, it's more of a draft than a finished product.

I'll bring all that into consideration, but the problem is, the Creator-God having as high stats as they have right now?

That's pushing it for me, because the Age of Man has been established as part of the world long enough that any creator god would be lucky to have C-ranked stats.

[Alexcoene]

The sheet was slightly slap-hazardly put together, it's more of a draft than a finished product.

I'll bring all that into consideration, but the problem is, the Creator-God having as high stats as they have right now?

That's pushing it for me, because the Age of Man has been established as part of the world long enough that any creator god would be lucky to have C-ranked stats.

Fair enough for the stats, but I really think you should rise his magic skills. I also think you shouldn't post sheets until they are finished, but hey,it's your choice.

[WhatShouldNotBe]

True Name: Rainbow Serpent
Class: Caster
Alignment: Neutral Good

PERSONALITY, APPEARANCE, AND LORE

In 'life', the Rainbow Serpent was the chief god of the Dreamtime Mythos of Australia. Australia was the last land that the Age of Gods held power over, and thus, the Rainbow Serpent retains a tiny portion of it's power. It is aware that such power will fade with time, but it is content to continue wielding it's power for it's people as long as it can. In legends, the Rainbow Serpent was known for controlling the flow of the world, such as the flow of Time, the flow of water through rivers and waterholes, and even the flow of Souls.
The Rainbow Serpent acts as a kindly being, always willing to lend an ear or give advice to anyone who needs it. He is deeply regretful that he must battle in order to realize his wish, always apologetic when battling an enemy. His one wish is to bring back the Age of Gods, so that he may no longer be the only god of his pantheon still walking the Earth.
He appears as an enormous snake, large enough to encircle a house and still be able to rear his head up. His scales glimmer with all the colors of the rainbow.

Likes: Swimming, Giving Advice, Creating Landscapes
Dislikes: Destruction, Mindless Rage, Dams
Natural Enemy: Gilgamesh

Parameters:
Strength: B
Agility: A
Endurance: B
Magic: A+
Luck: B
NP: A++
Class Skills:
Item Creation: B
In it's prime, the Rainbow Serpent was known for creating large monuments and landmarks, that marked the paths of the Songlines and powered the ancient Aborigine Magecraft. It's monuments and landmarks created now contribute mana to help power and sustain the Rainbow Serpent.
Territory Creation: C
The Rainbow Serpent was once able establish a large area as part of the DreamTime, allowing portions of the Age of Gods to leak into the world. However, they can only designate a single area as part of the DreamTime. With the Age of Man in full swing, this skill has been decreased, to only create an area where the Rainbow Serpent is not hampered by the constraints of the Age of Man.
Personal Skills:
Divinity: EX
As a full-fledged god, this skill is at EX-rank. At this rank, the Rainbow Serpent is bound by the age of Man, lowering their stats by one rank the first three days they spend outside of a designated DreamTime area, and by two ranks the rest of the time.
Song of Creation: A+
The Rainbow Serpent is able to use the ancient songs that shaped the Australian Continent to produce powerful effects.
Authority of Water: C
The Rainbow Serpent is able to use bodies of water to track and find those who were in contact with it, and within a body of water, gains increased damage against it's enemies. In legends the Rainbow Servant was heavily associated with rivers and waterholes, and was known to dwell within them.
Noble Phantasms:
Flow of the World: A++
The Rainbow Serpent was able to control the flows of reality, from the physical flow of Prana, to the conceptual flow of Battle. Using this, they can manipulate the world to favor them. However, such blatant use of Authority attracts the attention of Gaia and Alaya, which both attempt to suppress the anomaly. As such, this Noble Phantasm costs ridiculous amounts of prana, and is now limited in it's grasp. However, this still means that when using this ability, it is near impossible to target the Rainbow Serpent with simple directed energy attacks, as the flow of prana towards the Rainbow Serpent can be disrupted. Even the flow of prana to Servants is not immune, allowing the Rainbow Serpent to deprive a Servant of their master's prana for a duration. A list of abilities this noble phantasm displays are as follows:
Prana Redirection: Spells and other supernatural Mysteries that rely on a single continuous flow of prana can be redirected at a heavy prana cost. For example, Excalibur may be redirected to swerve away from the Rainbow Serpent, for the same cost that it takes to redirect any other single flow. Spells that feature multiple 'flows', such as a spell that fires several rivers of fire, require a flat prana cost to redirect each of the flows.
Prana Interruption: These same flows of prana may be interrupted for the same cost. A Mystery like Excalibur may be interrupted, stopping the flow of prana from being emitted for a period of time. However, this does not remove said prana, and when this is ended, the Mystery will still take effect , emitting a larger blast than normal after the initial delay. This may also be applied to servants, interrupting their prana flow. Because of this, Servants with a low Magic or no Independent Action Skill are unable to materialize themselves outside of spiritual form when their prana flow from their master is interrupted.
Material Flow Control: The Serpent may control the flow of material objects as well, redirecting the flow of Rivers and other such material existences. A general list of rules for the control of these material objects is that they must be in constant motion, must be a single mass moving in a single direction, and cannot be sped up or slowed down when controlling their flow. Noble Phantasms are resistant to this ability, the higher the rank, the more difficult in prana cost it takes to shift.
Conceptual Flow Control: The Serpent is able to control conceptual flows, such as the Flow of Thought, Flow of Souls, and Flow of Battle.The Flow of Thought is able to be slowed or sped up, some applications being to slow the flow of thought of an enemy servant so as to reduce their Eye of the Mind skill, or increase the flow of thought of an allied servant to increase their speed of casting High-Speed Divine Words. The Flow of Souls is a powerful Flow to control, that requires far more prana than the Serpent would have access to conventionally. However, when accessing an exceedingly large prana source, the Serpent can reenact portions of the Third Magic, such as Resurrection, and Full Materialization of a Servant. The Flow of Battle is simple compared to the more esoteric conceptual Flows, the Serpent simply speeds up or slows down the rate at which a combat is resolved. This can be used to prolong a battle to wait for reinforcements, or finish a battle quickly so as to ensure the enemy does not complete a ritual.

Songlines, 'Paths of the Dreamtime': B
Between monuments the Serpent builds, paths are established in a single direction from one to the other. This allows for the Serpent to quickly move between Monuments. However, these paths are one-way only, and are established at the creation of a monument. In legends, the Rainbow Serpent and other Australian Creator Gods walked paths across the continent, paths which are described through songs that list the landmarks and locations on the path, which are often told to be created by the first to walk those paths. These paths are often treaded by Aborigine Elders and Storytellers, who sing the songs that retell the creation of the world.

There, is that a bit better?

[RoydGolden]

He appears as an enormous snake, large enough to encircle a house and still be able to rear his head up. His scales glimmer with all the colors of the rainbow.

So, he's not, um... human? While I can buy having Divine Spirits, I think they should at least look human in order to be summoned. Summoning a literal giant snake is pretty outlandish and not at all the kind of thing the Holy Grail War is about. I'd make him a man with rainbow colored hair and maybe scales on his arms and legs or something.

Other then that, the sheet is pretty good. As I said before, Australian mythical figures are quite rare to see around here, much less gods (other then Crow), and you conveyed the sense of grandeur and scale involved with the Dream-Time nicely (mind you, some of these myths literally date back to before recorded history).

I really like his first NP. It's exactly the kind of esoteric conceptual stuff that attracted me to Fate early on (along with the chance to see mythical heroes beating the crap out of each other, of course). I can only say that, given the sheer scope and diversity of its effects (particularly the Third Magic bit), I don't think an EX rank would be inappropriate.

[JetKinen]

You can summon Iskander horse if you really want it.

[You]

So, he's not, um... human? While I can buy having Divine Spirits, I think they should at least look human in order to be summoned.

this is the opposite of what you should be saying.

[RoydGolden]

this is the opposite of what you should be saying.

Well, we've had gods before (like Stheno and Euryale) but I don't think there's ever been a Heroic Spirit who didn't at least look somewhat human. Even Asterios lost the bull head (in exchange for a bull helmet) and ended up just a really big guy with long, tangled hair and funky looking eyes. Heck, he even looks kind of cute/handsome in some arts. No homo.

[asterism42]

No homo.

See, I didn't think it sounded gay until you said that.

[RoydGolden]

And I'm 90% sure that when Quetzalcoatl is eventually released in GO he/she will turn out to be a feathery-haired Bishonen/Bishoujo of some variety, rather then a literal giant snake.

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See, I didn't think it sounded gay until you said that.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[asterism42]

Ah, so you do, in fact, want to ride the bull?

[You]

Well, we've had gods before (like Stheno and Euryale) but I don't think there's ever been a Heroic Spirit who didn't at least look somewhat human. Even Asterios lost the bull head (in exchange for a bull helmet) and ended up just a really big guy with long, tangled hair and funky looking eyes. Heck, he even looks kind of cute/handsome in some arts. No homo.

"No. Haven't you been taught that any humans, animals, or machines that leave any great achievements behind get removed from the ring of reincarnation and sublimate into beings of higher rank?
Heroes are that sort of beings.
To put it simply, they have been worshipped and made into artificial gods."

Chiron - a sage among the Centaurs, and teacher of many a great hero beginning from Heracles.

Half man and half horse, Chiron was born of Cronus, patron of the harvest and the earth, and the deity Philyra, thus being an entirely divine spirit. However, after being hit by an arrow treated with Hydra poison, he abandoned his own immortality in order to be released from the agony. It was then that he lost his complete divinity along with his immortality, and became an existence that could be summoned by the Grail.

what you have with stheno and euryale are exceptions for some GO reason, not the rule.

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if you're going to criticize someone's hard work at least put in the homework first please

[RoydGolden]

You can summon Iskander horse if you really want it.

Bucephalus qualifies as a Heroic Spirit yes, but I highly doubt he could actually be summoned in a Grail War. I mean, what would his NP be? Iskandar?

Though the idea of somebody trying to use a catalyst to summon Iskandar and ending up with a literal horse instead is indisputably rather hilarious. Particularly if it talked in a Mr. Ed style accent. (Does anybody even remember that show? I only know of it because my dad saw it on TV when he was a kid)

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what you have with stheno and euryale are exceptions for some GO reason, not the rule.

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if you're going to criticize someone's hard work at least put in the homework first please

Chiron is exactly one of the examples I was thinking of, actually. He was a full-blooded centaur in myth but appears almost entirely human when summoned (other then the tail).

Really, it's not so much a lore-based critique as an aesthetic one. I just don't think summoning a literal giant serpent at all fits the anime style of Fate or the Grail Wars in particular.

[JetKinen]

Bucephalus NP is himself.

I don't see the problem.

[RoydGolden]

Bucephalus NP is himself.

I don't see the problem.

Somebody needs to make a crack-fic with that as the premise.

[WhatShouldNotBe]

So, he's not, um... human? While I can buy having Divine Spirits, I think they should at least look human in order to be summoned. Summoning a literal giant snake is pretty outlandish and not at all the kind of thing the Holy Grail War is about. I'd make him a man with rainbow colored hair and maybe scales on his arms and legs or something.

Other then that, the sheet is pretty good. As I said before, Australian mythical figures are quite rare to see around here, much less gods (other then Crow), and you conveyed the sense of grandeur and scale involved with the Dream-Time nicely (mind you, some of these myths literally date back to before recorded history).

I really like his first NP. It's exactly the kind of esoteric conceptual stuff that attracted me to Fate early on (along with the chance to see mythical heroes beating the crap out of each other, of course). I can only say that, given the sheer scope and diversity of its effects (particularly the Third Magic bit), I don't think an EX rank would be inappropriate.

Hm, I might throw in an EX-ranked NP. If he really is older than recorded history, he should make Gil look like a chump.

this is the opposite of what you should be saying.

Well, we've had gods before (like Stheno and Euryale) but I don't think there's ever been a Heroic Spirit who didn't at least look somewhat human. Even Asterios lost the bull head (in exchange for a bull helmet) and ended up just a really big guy with long, tangled hair and funky looking eyes. Heck, he even looks kind of cute/handsome in some arts. No homo.

Edison.

See, I didn't think it sounded gay until you said that.

....... Wait, what.

And I'm 90% sure that when Quetzalcoatl is eventually released in GO he/she will turn out to be a feathery-haired Bishonen/Bishoujo of some variety, rather then a literal giant snake.

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Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Ah, so you do, in fact, want to ride the bull?

*nervous laughter*

[You]

Hm, I might throw in an EX-ranked NP. If he really is older than recorded history, he should make Gil look like a chump.

slightly regret defending you