Create-A-Servant 2

[sherlock1110]

Anyone has opinions on my assassins?

Well considering I have no knowledge of Little Red Riding Hood I cannot really comment sorry

[the god of world-0]

Maybe just a overall analyses? I realy like your advices.
I Also post a oc in the create-a-mage tread if you want to see.

[sherlock1110]

Red Riding Hood: Okay all things considered I know nothing about this character but I'll try my best.... sorry. Considering this is your third sheet now it's doing quite well, I'm going to set aside the more obvious criticisms and focus more on questions that could aid with development of your sheet though. You've done well to not rank the skills arbitrarily which is a pitfall some fall into initially, I kind of haven't gotten out of it yet Although the skills could do with further development. Including some aspect of the Skill Description found throughout others Servant sheets or on the Type Moon Wiki may help, even if it is a bit of a cheat, yeah you should probably remember that this is all coming from the person who produces the worst sheets in this thread. The Noble Phantasms could do with expansion, the first one really needs more in terms of what the Phantasmal Beast can do even if it is only a bit more description, another way to trick people into thinking you make better sheets than them (god I feel like the most amoral person) is to add fluff about the summoning methods or to expand ridiculously on one NP and then not focus as much on the one you have difficulty with. Then your poor victim (Enter Royd) basically writes half the sheet for you out of the goodness of their own heart. In summation, steal everyone else's good ideas, never make an original sheet and add huge, overly complicated rituals for each Noble Phantasm. Have a nice day then

On a completely unrelated note I'm going to rework my Proctor sheet, I finally found a way to make him have an offensive ability that ISNT EDGY AS ALL HELL so hopefully it might work. The Abigail sheet represents the insidious build up of the Witch Trials while Proctor represents the aftermath, the dramatic collapse of all the surrounding area due to Abigail's lies. Of course this is after I trash the Create-A-Mage thread. As I slowly turn into the faux experienced OC Critic https://youtu.be/kjS6bQ5OQ-o

[the god of world-0]

Thanks for the cheat codes !
I swear, even if you say your sheet are bad your advices are very useful, While i do this sheets for fun, i do intend to publish original storys in the near future so this is kinda like training

[Ereus]

Oscar schindler would be a interesting servant.

[EonADS]

Alright, I finally finished the edits to Lancer Longinus' Noble Phantasms. Thoughts? More interested in Lancea Longini than the other, tbh.

Noble Phantasm

Lancea Longini
Stained Spear of Famine Delivered
Type: Anti-Unit, Anti-Divine
Rank: B+
Range: 1-10
Max Target: 1

The lance that pierced the side of Christ, used by a soldier to make sure he was dead. That soldier was Longinus, who had been nearly blinded in battle and was mocked by his fellow soldiers for his disability. However, when the blood of Jesus fell into his eyes, Longinus was cured of his blindness, and gained incredibly sharp vision. Earlier in its history, the spear is associated with the Arthurian Grail legend, being the weapon that wounded the Fisher King and eventually caused his lands to become a barren wasteland due to his inability to tend to them. It also rendered him sterile, meaning he could not sire a family to do his work either.

Wounds caused by Lancea Longini inflict a spreading weakness and sickness within the target, similar to a Gandr curse, but on a much higher level. Targets suffer penalties to Strength, Agility, and Endurance anywhere from half a rank (first hit) to three full ranks (with many hits, typically ten or more). A target with high Battle Continuation will be able to fight off the spear's effects to an extent, but not negate them. Also, any abilities based on birthing, fertility, or virility are negated when this Noble Phantasm is in effect. The effects wear off when the wounds inflicted by the spear have been fully healed and active combat between Lancer and the target has ended.

As an Anti-Divine weapon, Lancea Longini inflicts increased damage against Servants with the Divinity skill. Damage stacks with increased Divinity rank.

Paenitentiae Maledicenti
The Cycle of Suffering
Type: Anti-Unit (Self)
Rank: EX
Range: N/A
Max Target: 1

According to the original myth that names Longinus, he was doomed to suffer being mauled by a lion over and over as penance for the wound inflicted on Christ, but his wounds would heal at dawn and the cycle would begin again.

Paenitentiae Maledicenti gives Longinus the ability to regenerate from any injuries at the end of every 24 hour cycle. This includes fatal or crippling injuries such as organ damage, spinal trauma, dismemberment, or a crushed skull. Unless he is atomized or burned to ashes, Lancer's body will regenerate completely; as such, he is very difficult to kill permanently. This Noble Phantasm is the main reason why he is such a heavy Prana drain on his Master. The one exception to his regeneration is any wound inflicted by his Shared Communion ability.

Also, has anyone ever done Werner Voss, the comtemporary and rival of Manfred von Richthofen? He and Eddie Rickenbacker (America's top WWI fighter ace) are probably next on my list.

[sherlock1110]

Lancea Longini: This is a cool improvement, additionally he's now a classic Lancer "Tank everything and wear them down" style. Now I need to play some creepy Zombie music every time he resurrects.

[Lycodrake]

...just being the spear which literally killed God on the cross is bound to make for a pretty potent concept.

ANEURYSMS FOR DAYS

[EonADS]

^ Just want to point out that it didn't actually "kill god" in any way. Jesus was already dead when he was stabbed with the spear; they used it to check that he was dead. Pretty sure I forgot to mention that earlier.

[RoydGolden]

ANEURYSMS FOR DAYS

...I know full well it's more complicated then that (for one thing, Jesus probably was already dead when the spear pierced him). Doesn't change the fact that's how it's remembered in popular culture.

- - - Updated - - -

Seriously. Pretty much every depiction of the Longinus Lance in Japanese media has it as "the spear that killed God", so I figure it's only fair to follow suit...

[Lycodrake]

There's popular culture and then there's knowing the source material - which states outright that Jesus had already breathed his last before the nameless soldier checked to be certain.

[Ereus]

There's popular culture and then there's knowing the source material - which states outright that Jesus had already breathed his last before the nameless soldier checked to be certain.

Ok but nasu tends to go against myth entirely quite a bit already.
glances at scathath and gilgamesh

I mean if we played the myths straight hercules would probably have ex rank strenght for holding up the world in one of his labors.
Thor would be like at the speed of thought.
Gilgamesh would be able to outrun the sun.....

[RoydGolden]

There's popular culture and then there's knowing the source material - which states outright that Jesus had already breathed his last before the nameless soldier checked to be certain.

I already acknowledged that, but it doesn't matter. With Heroic Spirits, reputation and legend is all that counts, not what "really" happened.

- - - Updated - - -

Ok but nasu tends to go against myth entirely quite a bit already.
glances at scathath and gilgamesh

I mean if we played the myths straight hercules would probably have ex rank strenght for holding up the world in one of his labors.
Thor would be like at the speed of thought.
Gilgamesh would be able to outrun the sun.....

Those two you can easily explain as limitations from being fitted into Servant Containers, since we know Heroic Spirits aren't anywhere near as strong as they were in life.

[Bird of Hermes]

I mean if we played the myths straight hercules would probably have ex rank strenght for holding up the world in one of his labors.
Thor would be like at the speed of thought.
Gilgamesh would be able to outrun the sun.....

Yeah, and Cu Chulainn has multi-coloured hair, claws, seven iris's in each eye, blinded his son with

Hero Light

Bishie Sparkles

and managed to weaponize his raw sex appeal to be so hot he melted snow. Also he can't grow a beard...

In seriousness, there's very little on Scathach in the original lore as her role was basically to give him the Gae Bolg and proceed to do what nearly every woman and Ferdiad seemed to do in Celtic mythology around Cu, so Nasu isn't really contradicting per-se, just adding.

[4score7years]

Man, lots to comment on here. Alright I've got 20 minutes so lets do this.

Longinus V2: I saw the V1, but didn't have time to comment on it then. It was already a pretty good first effort, and Royd has largely commented on everything I would have. I like the new effect for the spear and I generally agree with most of the choices/changes you made. The "pieces" fit together well to form a coherent whole, imo, which is a key but under-looked part of sheets for me. All told, it's pretty good for your first one ever. I'll be interested to see what's next! And again, welcome to the forum.

Little Red Riding Hood: Good, though I think it could stand to be fleshed out in most areas. As Sherlock already said to some degree, just saying "it summons a big demon wolf" is cool but adding more detail helps make it more memorable and stand out more, etc. The same goes for the skills. Looking up official skill descriptions and lists can also be helpful, though you shouldn't rely on them exclusively. You're also quite new, right? Welcome to you as well.

Abigail: Your content doesn't justify your low opinion of it, my man. You really don't need a little mini-introduction of self-deprecation before you post the sheet, especially a pretty fun one like this. I really like how the individual parts of the sheet (FC, personality, skills, NPs) all sort of come together, similarly to what I was saying about Longinus earlier. That's always been one of the harder parts of sheets for me, but you seem to be getting a handle on it pretty quick. I quite like the way the skills sort of play into and synergize with the Second and First Noble Phantasms. Suggestions: Not much, honestly. I think this is one of my favorite sheets from you. The only thing I'm questioning (though not necessarily demanding change) is the inclusion of both Presence Concealment and Espionage. Obviously they represent different things but it's traditionally just one or the other. Not to say that it couldn't be both, but I guess I'd just be interested in hearing your thoughts on that particular aspect.

ANEURYSMS FOR DAYS

are we doing this

can we not

that would be what I would prefer

but I think I am too late

[Ereus]

Yeah, and Cu Chulainn has multi-coloured hair, claws, seven iris's in each eye, blinded his son with

Hero Light

Bishie Sparkles

and managed to weaponize his raw sex appeal to be so hot he melted snow. Also he can't grow a beard...

In seriousness, there's very little on Scathach in the original lore as her role was basically to give him the Gae Bolg and proceed to do what nearly every woman and Ferdiad seemed to do in Celtic mythology around Cu, so Nasu isn't really contradicting per-se, just adding.

True but it still feels weird.
Kinda like how rhongymiad was mentioned like once? and in nasu it's this super powerful lance than keeps humies around.

[Lycodrake]

are we doing this

can we not

that would be what I would prefer

but I think I am too late

Only because you have a smiling All Might avi.

[the god of world-0]

I was reading the other sheets for little red ridding hood an notíced that nobody remembering the urban legend from the begining of follow ataraxia. I mean, come on guys, nasu was basicly living it to us

[Seika]

lancea dexteram suam decorat, quae Ron nomine vocabatur: haec erat ardua lataque lancea, cladibus apta.

ti a geffy kyfarvs a notto dy benn ath tauavd ... eithyr vy llong, am llenn, a Chaletulch ugy cledyf, a Rongomyant ugy gvaev

Gleif a dekca+
a6d y deheu ef yr h6nn a|el6it Ron.
vchel oed h6nn6 a llydan ac adas y a+
erua.

(This text is perhaps responsible for the image of Ron as a tower, since uchel means 'high' or 'tall').

Ac velly yr oedd Arthur yn gorvod ar bawb, ac ar bob gorchest, a phob kenedlaeth o'r byd - drwy gydernyd yr ysbryd kadarn, a'r ffydd a'r gobaith a oedd yn i galonn i'r gwyr hynny; a thrwy yr arveu kyssegredic a roessai Dduw iddo: Rongomiant i waew, Caledvwlch i gleddyf, a Charnwennan i ddager.

And thus Arthur triumped over everyone, and in every feat, and over every nation in the world; through the strength of the powerful spirit and the faith and hope that were in his heart towards those men; and through the sacred weapons that God had given him: Rhongomiant his spear, Caledfwlch his sword, and Carnwennan his dagger.
(trans. Bromwich)

[Historia]

and Scáthach has also been associated as a the goddess, so eh.

As for Roman heroes that simplify Rome, other than ROMA himself, there's Marcus Curtius. "MANLINESS AND COURAGE ARE ALL YOU NEED!" *jumps into chasm to the underworld in full battle armor along with his horse and it closes because he's so ROMA*. You know, if you wanted another wacky Roman Servant. I imagine him as All-Might from My Hero Academia, but twice as ROMA.