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Thread: Create-a-Servant

  1. #11261
    狐子Fox Child KitsuneKo's Avatar
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    It's come to my attention that in all 564 pages of this thread, I've yet to see a Turkish Servant(s).

  2. #11262
    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    So I did retooling to my Hijikata Servant to fall more within the line of thought that Kojirou and Sakura Saber fall in. I'll probably get around to making my own Okita that isn't quite so wanked as Sakura Saber someday.


    Saber (Toshizou Hijikata)
    Alignment: LE

    STR: C
    AGI: B+
    MGI: D+
    END: B
    LUCK: E
    NP: C


    The vice-commander of the Shinsengumi. A wolf of Mibu. Steeped in the traditions of a samurai despite not being born as one. Nicknamed a demon for his harsh training regime and the rules he made for the upkeep of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata’s true ancestry indeed lies with the demon descendants within Japan.


    Class Skills

    Magic Resistance: B
    -Cancel spells with a chant below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult to be affected. Hijikata bears good MR due wholly to his oni lineage.

    Riding: E-
    -Due to the story of his death upon horseback, his rank is solely due to the Saber class.


    Personal Skills

    Monstrous Strength: C
    -Hijikata’s heritage as a demon. The longer in this state, the more likely his Inversion Impulse will overcome his reasoning and he will become a bloodthirsty monster.

    Eastern Medicine: B
    -Knowledge and applicability of Eastern techniques in medicine crafting. Non-fatal wounds suffered by Hijikata can be healed at a reduced prana cost by sacrificing mundane resources; wounds to others can have healing time improved threefold. Despite his renown as a fierce warrior and association with the samurai of the era, Hijikata was born a farmer and medicine peddler. He continued to use those skills in his time with the Shinsengumi.

    Hiratsuki: N/A
    -The Horizontal Thrust. The basis of Okita’s later renowed Sandanzuki, this is a sword technique that is not flashy nor complicated, but simplicity at its finest. A horizontal stab that strikes between the ribs for maximum efficiency. That it requires no special stance and can be utilized at any moment is its true strength. In practice against Servants, it will chip away at their spiritual core rather than act as a killing blow; each successful strike requires many times the mana to heal compared to a normal hit, eventually stripping the target of their power.


    Noble Phantasms

    Izumi-no-Kami Kanesada
    Sword of Providential Truth
    :
    C
    -The famous sword wielded by Hijikata in his engagements against the Satchou alliance. Although it appears to be a standard-length katana, within the shadow of the blade is actually a tachi of an older generation. Attack power, damage, and reach are heightened so long as an opponent cannot discern the truth of the blade, much like the effects of a certain invisible sheath.
    -Though Hijikata is a figure from the late 1800s, his sword is from the Muromachi period. Or so the tale goes, although it is likely it was a sword of the same school but of a younger generation.

  3. #11263
    Tranquilo, Japones, Tranquilo JetKinen's Avatar
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    Nice stuff

    Just adding here that if Google Translate is not ducking me arouns Nasuverse Hijikata has CCC Lancer torture skill

  4. #11264
    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One Kat's Avatar
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    Without a faceclaim in the sheet, I picture him with a face of Gintama's Hijikata and no one can stop me.

  5. #11265
    超刻 Hyperreal Nuclear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Funderfullness View Post
    snip
    Now that I've had proper time to read through the sheet, I realized that Protection of the Faith does not work as you say it does. It should instead provide resistances or outright immunity to mental interference, in the style of EXTRA Vlad.

  6. #11266
    The Long-Forgotten Sight Rafflesiac's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    So I did retooling to my Hijikata Servant to fall more within the line of thought that Kojirou and Sakura Saber fall in. I'll probably get around to making my own Okita that isn't quite so wanked as Sakura Saber someday.
    Looks good, though I have to knock off points for forgetting his Mayo Pollution.
    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    canon finish apo vol 3

  7. #11267
    Bitchin' Arashi_Leonhart's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kat View Post
    Without a faceclaim in the sheet, I picture him with a face of Gintama's Hijikata and no one can stop me.


    There. This is what I was actually basing the whole "oni blooded" thing on.

  8. #11268
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shalya Parva, Book 9, Section 61
    "I have studied, made presents according to the ordinance, governed the wide Earth with her seas, and stood over the heads of my foes! Who is there so fortunate as myself?! That end again which is courted by Kshatriyas observant of the duties of their own order, death in battle, hath become mine. Who, therefore, is so fortunate as myself?! Human enjoyments such as were worthy of the very gods and such as could with difficulty be obtained by other kings, had been mine. Prosperity of the very highest kind had been attained by me! Who then is so fortunate as myself?! With all my well-wishers, my friends and my younger brothers, I am going to heaven, O thou of unfading glory! As regards yourselves, with your purposes undone and torn by grief, live ye on in this unhappy world!

    Class: Berserker (Alternatively Rider, Archer)
    True Name: Duryodhana
    Alignment: Chaotic Good (Appears to be Chaotic Evil to enemies)
    Place of Origin: India
    Original Lifetime: 600~1300BC

    STR: A+ AGI: B+

    END: A MGI: B

    LCK: C NP: B

    Class Skill:


    Mad Enhancement: B

    Raises Stat parameters in return for dampening mental ability. At this rank, all parameters are ranked up, but most of Berserker's reason is lost. Due to his unwavering willpower, however, occasional acts that require sane thought are possible. The basis of Duryodhana's qualification for the Berserker class is the state of insane irrationality he entered from being poisoned by his treacherous adviser Shakuni, who was killed by Sahadeva before the final days of the Kurukshetra War, restoring Duryodhana's sanity.

    Personal Skills:

    Charisma: A

    The natural talent to command an army. Increases the ability of allies during group battles. A rare talent. Though Duryodhana was humble and timid from being bullied by the violent Bhima as a child, he possessed an incredible aura of leadership and sympathized with the plights of the weak and poor, granting him immense popularity with the people and the ire of his political rivals, who sought to exploit the caste system as much as possible. Even when he was lying on his deathbed after being defeated by Bhima, every man and woman in the vast kingdom he had built and hundreds of celestial beings and gods who took his side cheered his name, before the former shamed the Pandavas and drove them out when they sought to take control of India afterwards. It is said that upon his death, his empire reached from the borders of Assyria to Bohai Gulf of China.

    This skill is defunct due to Mad Enhancement.

    Eternal Arms Mastership:
    A+

    Mastery of arms that has been engraved in the Heroic Spirit's body and soul, not merely the mind, preventing degradation of his skill even when under Mad Enhancement or Mental Interference. Though born with no divine blood or extreme talent like the Pandavas or his friend Karna, Duryodhana compensated with an incredible will to learn, whether it was scriptures, politics, meditation or fighting. Through rigorous training and mental discipline, Duryodhana eventually became able to overcome even Bhima's mammoth strength and supreme mace technique with sheer skill and a body like "lightning made flesh".

    Valor: B+

    A skill tied to one's very destiny as one who will be defeated in a major conflict, yet strives for victory to the very end, even when one's entire life is crumbling apart and one's allies defeated. So long as he faces an enemy greater than himself and strives to achieve the impossible even when death stands on his doorstep, Berserker raises his LCK by two ranks and has a 40% chance of changing his fate to either victory or a double-down. In Berserker's case, he has a considerably higher one to render his opponent's victory unsatisfying or not worth it.

    Divinity: C

    The measure of whether one has Divine Spirit aptitude or not. At high levels one is treated as a mixed race of a Divine Spirit. After being defeated by Bhima and saying his parting words to Aswatthama, the last of his great friends, Duryodhana's Dharma as a virtuous man of the warrior caste was so great that he ascended to the Swarga Plane, a paradise in heaven where it's inhabitants are akin to gods, and here he courted the goddess of heroism and several of her angels.

    Noble Phantasms:


    My Grief Shall Be My Armor
    Gada-yuddha: B


    Anti-Unit (Self)

    The protection that clad Duryodhana's mighty body in the final days of the Kurukshetra war, where, during the funeral pyre of his friend Karna, Duryodhana shed so many tears for his dear companion that his entire body was soaked in them, as he cried and wept all through the night and into the next morning, and it is said that his crying was so loud and painful that even the gods heard it and shed tears themselves. These tears joined the ones on Duryodhana's body in the form of a massive rainstorm, and forevermore immortalized his flesh, except for the thighs, which the distraught man had kept pushed against his chest during his crying.

    So long as it is not an attack made to his thighs, inner or outer, it is impossible to injure or damage Duryodhana, though attacks that are nonphysical like Mental Interference and imbibed poison may still work, though area of effect attacks are not enough either. Just as Bhima did in the distant past, one must land a direct strike to Duryodhana's thighs before the protection temporarily fades on the rest of his body, before it is re-enabled five minutes later.

    Dilemmas Of The Great Conflict
    Three Fingers: D


    Anti-Unit (Self)

    A Noble Phantasm built from his final moments, where Duryodhana was unable to speak aloud to his commanders, having had his lungs destroyed by vicious blows from Bhima, and kept holding up three fingers, before Krishna sat down next to him and began to translate his mute-speech. It was discerned then that Duryodhana was pointing out the three dilemmas that had resulted in his defeat: That he had not built a fortress around Kurukshetra, which the gods would have reinforced so greatly that it could never be breached by the Pandavas' might, that he had not appointed Vidura, whose tactical genius far exceeded even Krishna's, as his strategist, and that he had not appointed Aswatthama as the commander of the Kaurava forces, which would've truly given him a reason to fight. As Aswatthama is an Avatar of Shiva, it stands to reason that no one in the universe would ever be able to face the full might of Shiva, even as an Avatar. Krishna, who could read the threads of fate itself, told him then that he had made an excellent self-reflection and asserted his errors well, before letting him pass on.

    As a Noble Phantasm, Duryodhana may at any time hold up three fingers in a situation of peril, each of which will make the Gods inform him of three conditions or three ways to achieve victory, no matter if they are plausible for him or not, effectively allowing him to get a guess at possible ways for a victory of future to come his way.

    This Noble Phantasm cannot be utilized as Berserker lacks the brainpower to employ it or the knowledge it imparts properly.
    Last edited by Christemo; May 25th, 2015 at 09:12 AM.

  9. #11269
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six Imperial's Avatar
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    Huh. I thought Duryodhana got his invulnerability from his mother using her powers to make everything her eyes touched invincible, but he had covered himself at the last second because he was ashamed of her seeing him fully nude.

  10. #11270
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    His invulnerability is actually a really weird case because he gets beaten up multiple times throughout the Mahabharata before his defeat, by the likes of Abhimanyu and Bhima, without any note that his thighs are the only vulnerable part, so I thought I'd take a different approach to it that made sense in that context. But you're absolutely correct in that that's where Duryodhana originally got his invulnerability from.
    Last edited by Christemo; May 24th, 2015 at 07:46 PM.

  11. #11271
    超刻 Hyperreal Nuclear's Avatar
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    So I watched a certain live-action movie a few months back and this came to mind. I started doing work on it erratically, so the quality fluctuates, and the latter part (in my opinion) reeks of shit. Please forgive me?

    Class: Rider
    Attribute: Earth
    Alternate Classes: Caster
    Alignment: Neutral Good

    STR: D
    END: C
    AGI: B
    MGI: B+
    LCK: A
    NP: C

    Skills:

    Riding: C
    A level of mastery over mounts that extends even to modern machinery and all types of animals, but not to Phantasmal Beasts. Rider does not really have the capacity to ride things, and so only obtains use of the skill through her own delusions.

    Animal Dialogue (False): A-
    The capacity to communicate with wild animals of all sorts. Though the brain structures of man and beast are far too different, Rider’s own imagination enables her to perfectly convey thoughts and feelings to animals, though she cannot answer the beasts should they voice out their own opinions.

    Protection of the Fairies (False): A
    A skill that signifies the bearer as being granted some sort of boon by the fae. As a result of Rider nattering on to no end about a “fairy godmother” that constantly guards and watches over her, she gains a full Luck boost in any confrontational situation.

    Self-Suggestion: B
    A skill that is the product of a warped mentality. At higher ranks, it is possible to completely stop aging by styling oneself as eternally young. However, in this particular case, it manifests as a sort of pseudo-Magecraft that allows Rider access to mysteries she should, by all rights, not even know. Her innocence and idealism shaped her worldview, allowing her the rare gift of using high-level transfiguration-type Magecraft for limited amounts of time, with such sorceries being attributed to her “fairy godmother”.

    Evaporation of Sanity: E
    The overall structure of the mind has changed to accommodate the skill of Self-Suggestion. Thus, the faculties of common sense and logic have deteriorated somewhat. The skill also acts as a form of instinctual defense, as Rider somehow becomes able to know whether a person has good intentions or not.

    Noble Phantasm:

    Legende de Cendrillon: At the Stroke of Midnight

    Rank: B
    Type: Anti-Army
    Range: 1-20
    Max targets: 200 people

    The climax of the tale of the ash-covered girl: the transfiguration of several common items into something more than what they should be. A Reality Marble that allows for the transfiguration of objects. Rider obtained use of this forbidden Magecraft through her distorted worldview, coupled with the latent Magic Circuits she received from her parents. Inside the Marble, the landscape changes to a grand ballroom bedecked with decorations and illuminated by chandeliers. In here, Rider gains access to the fullest extent of her thaumaturgical powers, allowing her to subconsciously transfigure mice into horses, lizards into coachmen, and a pumpkin into a carriage.

    However, when the transfigured items are brought out of the Marble, the World senses the difference between what these objects are and what they should be, and so tries to correct the mistake by continuously degrading the quality of the transfigurations. As such, the items retain their appearance only for about four hours.

    Lore
    Rider is Cinderella, the eponymous ash-girl spoken of by the brothers Grimm, Perrault, and so many others. Her story of overcoming the challenges posed by her low birth and abusive step-family have made her the object of adoration and
    worship by those similarly oppressed, making her eligible to become a Heroic Spirit.

    Her story begins when a little girl was born to a family oblivious of their thaumaturgical heritage. This little girl inherited her Magic Circuits from her mother, whose distant relatives were practitioners of Alchemy. The girl was raised believing in songs, kindness, magic, and fairy godmothers. In other words, she was made to believe that the ideal world that only rightfully existed in song and story was the real one. However, this ideal world which the girl innocently accepted slowly began to crumble. He mother died when she was nine due to a complication with her Magic Circuits, thus leaving the attending physician baffled at the turn of events. Soon after that, her father married a woman who, while sweet and easy to please on the outside, was actually spiteful and domineering on the inside. This woman, along with her two daughters, became rulers of the man’s household with the little girl as their slave, a position cemented by the man’s tragic death while overseas. Thus the little girl was left alone to be enslaved by her step-family, who insulted her and crowned her with the name “Cinderella” for her ash-covered face caused by sleeping near the dying embers of the hearth. However, she never once complained or spoke out of turn against them, instead bearing her suffering silently.

    Her life changed, however, when her ideal mindset, which was assaulted and violated many times, was nearing its collapse. The king had recently announced a grand ball, where every lady of marriageable age and status, highborn or no, was to attend. Of course, Cinderella was excited to go, but her stepmother forbade her, going so far as to tear apart the gown she was to wear for the ball. She ran away, crying whilst stubbornly clinging to the notion of kindness, magic, and fairy tales her parents had instilled in her. In an event that could only be called a “miracle”, her latent Magic Circuits awakened. The sensation of having awakened her Magic Circuits rendered her half-conscious, and it is in this state that she summoned what would become her Reality Marble, went to the ball, and fled before the strike of midnight.

    Safely back home, the things Cinderella used at the ball reverted to their original forms, save for one oddity. Her slippers remained their glassy composition, which became the clue to finding her when the prince searched the entire kingdom for the owner of the other half.
    Last edited by Nuclear; January 12th, 2016 at 07:16 AM.

  12. #11272
    Forewarning: I tried to do research for this one, but without having gotten to /hollow ataraxia yet, I'm sure that this has some compatibility issues with canon. That is really the main reason I'm posting it now, to try and fix those.


    Archer

    Class: Archer
    True Name: Orion
    Master: Ollie van der Zee
    Height: 172 cm
    Weight: 60 kg
    Gender: Male
    Alignment: Neutral Good


    Parameters:
    STR: B
    END: C
    AGI: A
    MGI: B
    LUC: C
    NP: B

    Class Skills:
    Magic Resistance B: Cancel spells with a chant below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult for him to be affected.

    Independent Action A: The ability to remain independent even when rejecting the prana supply from the Master. Can remain in this world for a week even after losing his Master. However, to use Noble Phantasms of great prana consumption, back up from the Master is necessary.

    Personal Skills:
    Affections of the Goddess A: Affection is from the smitten virgin Artemis. All stats are Ranked Up.

    Clairvoyance B: Connotes superior visual perception and dynamic occipital capture, such as to supplement the long-range aiming of projectile weapons. Given a clear line of sight, Archer can easily track fast moving objects off the other side of the island.

    Divinity C: The measure of whether one has Divine Spirit aptitude or not. At high levels one is treated as a mixed race of a Divine Spirit, and the level declines when the Heroic Spirit's own rank as a Monster, Demonic Beast raises. It can also decrease due to one's dislike for the gods. It also has an effect which reduces special defensive values called "purge defense" in proportion to the Divinity's Rank. It can break through Skills such as Protection of the Faith and Enlightenment of the Sacred Fig. A full Divine Spirit, hybrid of an Olympian and one of the flawless Gorgon sisters. Just before death, his body declined into that of a human. Has a large rank down.

    Noble Phantasms:
    Σκορπίος: The Venom That Is Pride
    Type: Anti-Divine
    Rank: B
    Range: 5-100
    Maximum Targets: 1 person
    An arrow fired from Archer’s bow and imbued with poison. The poison is from a Beast of Gaia meant to kill gods who hunted species to the point of extinction, and as such targets their divinity specifically. If the target struck by the arrow possesses Divinity, that skill will be lost and the poison will cripple them with pain, rendering them more vulnerable to further attacks. The higher their Divinity was ranked, the more painful the poison will be, though it will still be excruciating even for mortals. The poison would be fatal for normal humans, but against beings like Heroic Spirits would not directly kill them unless they possessed Divinity. The poison’s effect can be lessened or slowed with curative magic, but the only antidote is to kill Archer, thereby removing the effect of this Noble Phantasm as well.

    Κηδαλίων: Beast-Slayer
    Type: Anti-Unit
    Rank: C+
    Range: 1-2
    Maximum Targets: 1 person
    A great bronze club given to Archer by the Divine Spirit Hephaestus. It carries with it the property of “an unrivaled hunter”, and is especially powerful against animals and any who could be classified as monsters. When activated, it burns like the sun, scorching the target and producing a bright light that blinds those who view it.

    Bio
    Background: The sisters Stheno, Euryale, and Medusa were perfect goddesses, Divine Spirits created by mankind’s desire for ideal idols whose destiny was to be violated day after day, cast out to the Shapeless Isle at the edge of the world by a jealous Athena. Medusa alone was an imperfect copy who aged and became self-sufficient, and so she became the one to provide for her sisters and protect them, killing the suitors who arrived on their island home. Even then, though, there was not a man alive who did not desire her sisters, even amongst the other Divine Spirits who lived on Mount Olympus. Poseidon in particular lusted after them, and formed a plan with which he would bed at least one of them by inviting the three to a banquet, counting on the two elder sisters to force Medusa to remain on the Shapeless Isle. It worked, and with the middle sister Euryale, he fathered a son whom she named Orion. Taking after his mother, Orion was incomparably handsome; but like the gods of Olympus, he aged. With his mother and Stheno unable to care for themselves, let alone a child, raising the young Orion became just another daily chore for Medusa. But as she grew more and more monstrous, her sisters grew to fear her as well, and Euryale sent him away to the island of Chios shortly before the Gorgon consumed her and Stheno. There, his looks caught the eye of the princess Merope, and her father Oenopion blinded him. He wandered around Greece, walking across the sea, until finding the god Hephaestus. He gave Orion a club, and called to his friend Helios, who healed Orion; he brought with him his sister Eos, who became infatuated, and though he was indifferent to her, she spread word of his looks amongst the other goddesses of Olympus. Able to see and with all of Greece to explore, Orion quickly discovered he had a great love and talent for hunting, and in pursuing this newfound pastime met the virgin goddess Artemis. Though being sworn to chastity and having little affection for men, even Artemis found herself agreeing with Eos, and quickly fell in love herself. Together, the two hunted many animals, so many that the Counter Force created a Beast of Gaia called Scorpius to kill them, but they hunted it too, and bathed their arrows in its poison. Apollo, envious of the affection Artemis gave Orion, waited for a day when he went for a hunt alone. While Orion was returning over sea, Apollo pointed him out to Artemis, a speck in the water too far away to see in detail, and claimed it was a man who had raped one of her hunters and was swimming away to avoid her wrath. Even as she loosed the arrow, he came near enough that she could see the truth- but the realization came too late. The poison of Scorpio was meant to kill gods, burning away their divinity and granting them a painful death. Unlike Chiron, who willingly gave away his immortality to escape the pain of Hydra venom, Orion had it forcibly purged from his body.

    Keywords:
    Σκορπίος: The Venom That Is Pride
    A golden bow given to Archer by Artemis, it is the only one given by her to a man, and the only one to match the Tauropolos: Bow of Heaven that she gave Atalanta. The bow itself is called Agrotera: Hunter’s Bride, but its attack as a Noble Phantasm is named after a Beast of Gaia, a giant scorpion that she and Archer hunted together. All of their arrows were soaked in the scorpion’s potent venom, which ultimately proved fatal for Archer when he was struck by mistake.

    Sirius and Procyon
    Two faithful hunting dogs that follow their master even in death. Though born as regular animals, after death they ascended to the level of Phantasmal Beasts of the Millennium-Rank as the constellations of Canis Major and Canis Minor. They are not Noble Phantasms, familiars, or anything of the like; only companions happy to answer Archer’s call.

    Robin Hood
    A legendary thief and bowman from Britain. Actually, though there was a person like this, most of the legend around him was borrowed from previous sources, with Archer being the primary one. Even Robin Hood’s Noble Phantasm is descended from Archer’s, diluted from a weapon worthy of gods to a simple bow of yew.

  13. #11273
    First time making a servant, feedback would be appreciated.
    Rider

    Primary Class: Rider
    True Name: Hannibal Barca, the Terror of Rome

    Parameters:
    Strength: B
    Agility: C
    Endurance: B
    Mana: C
    Luck: D
    NP: A

    Class Skills:
    Riding: A
    All creatures but those of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast-rank can be used as mounts.

    Magic Resistance: C+
    Cancel spells with a chant below two verses. Cannot defend against Magecraft on the level of High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals.
    The blood oath that Hannibal swore has drawn the eye of the gods in his life, granting him a degree of protection against hostile magic forces for as long as he held true to that oath. In addition, due to the nature of the oath, his Anti magic skill is treated as one rank higher when dealing with mysteries of Roman origin.

    Of course, should he ever find himself breaking the terms of that oath, this divine protection will be removed, effectively reducing his magic resistance rank to the equivalent of E, sustained only by the effects of the class container.

    Details:
    An imposing man of North-African descent, bearing an eyepatch over his left eye and a short beard and mustache. He stands over six feet tall, his torso clad in segmented bronze armour ending with a skirt made out of the same material, and a gold trimmed red cloak is wrapped around his shoulders. A long sickle shaped blade hangs at this waist, with an ornate warhorn hanging on his other side. Several long javelins are strapped to his back, wrapped in a sheath of oxhide, alongside a gleaming white oval shield.

    His true identity is Hannibal Barca, he who brought Rome to it's knees, and struck so much terror into the hearts of the Romans that etched his name so deep into the Roman cultural psyche that his name was still spoken off with fear even centuries after his death. At a young age, he swore before the gods of Carthage that he would arrest the destiny of Rome with fire and steel, an oath which guided his actions up till his dying breath.

    The numerous feats he performed in pursuit of that goal are still spoken off to this day. This impossible march across the alps, the battles that he fought along the way that shows his tactical and strategic brilliance, even the victory at Cannae, which he pulled against immense odds. All of which brought him ever closer to seeing his vision fulfilled, to see Rome bowed before him and restore Carthage to it's rightful position.

    But alas, despite his success in the field of battle, that goal was something that forever eluded his grasp. His enemies were too determined, too crafty, and the support promised by his allies, his own government, the support he so desperately needed to bring the war to a conclusive end, never materialized. In the end, all it took was one final battle, and all his previous successes, all those blows that he delivered, was wiped away, and his dream came crumbling down around him.

    He spent the last of his days in exile, making pitiful, spiteful strikes against Rome before eventually betrayed into Roman hands, where upon he choose to suicide rather than face whatever judgement the Romans had in store for him. As he breathed his last, he thought back to the war he lost all those years ago. If only he had gotten the support he needed, if only his allies hadn't abandoned him in his time of need. If only…

    Just once, I would've liked to have fought in a war where my allies supported me. Where I had the resources to win. Just once….

    Personal Skills:
    Military Tactics: A+
    Hailed as the father of strategy, and famed for the numerous battles that he won in the face of impossible odds, Rider's skill as military commander is almost unparalleled. Both his noble phantasms gain a significant boost when deployed by him, and anti army noble phantasms deployed against him suffer a severe reduction in effectiveness. This bonus also applies to any armies under his command. Additionally, this bonus increases the more outnumbered he is by the enemy.

    Protection from Elements (Wind and Ice): C+
    Ability to defend against the elements. At this rank, attacks and abilities involving cold or wind of C rank and below can be nullified, while higher ranked abilities have their effectiveness reduced by two ranks and are treated as if they are two ranks lower than they actually are. Due to his legend, this ability increases in effectiveness the higher from the ground he is.

    Charisma: C+
    Charisma is the natural talent to command an army. Increases the ability of allies during group battles. As an esteemed leader of men in his life, and the ruler of New Carthage in his own right, he has a Charisma score to match. In addition, due to his accomplishments in life, his charisma is counted as a rank greater when it comes to military matters.

    Pathfinder: A
    The ability to cross treacherous or hostile terrain without harm. In his life, Rider was famed for leading his army through paths once thought impassable, and this skill reflects that. This skill grants a preternatural ability to identify a safe path through any environment, with traps, pitfalls, and other hazards appearing as obvious as day to Rider's eye. At this rank, he may also choose to extend the effects of this skill to anyone around him, allowing even an army to follow him safely across any environment, no matter how treacherous. As long as there is even the slightest chance to make it through unharmed, no matter how small, this skill greatly increases the chances of doing so.

    Noble Phantasms:
    Surus
    Enduring Titan of the Peaks
    Rank: B
    Type: Anti-army
    Range: 2-50
    Targets: 100
    Description: Surus is an impressive specimen of an elephant, which Rider summons by blowing on his war horn. It is half again as large as it's living kin, and is kitted out with armaments befitting it's status. It's body gleams with large bronze shields over a blood red coat, it's tusk and head is armoured and reinforced with a solid bronze helmet, etched with intricate carvings that conveys the blessing of the gods, and on it's back houses an ornate roofed howdah, which serves as the seat of Rider in battle.

    In life, it was Hannibal's favoured mount, a gift from the east and far superior to any other elephant under his command. It was fitted with the highest quality armaments that he could procure and was a terror on the battlefield, proving to be pivotal in many of his battles across Spain and Italy.

    As a noble phantasm, it's already impressive abilities are amplified beyond what is naturally possible. It has an Endurance and Strength rating of A, and Agility rating of D, which allows it to move quicker than any living creature, easily keeping pace with modern automobiles. Shockwaves follows in it's wake on a charge, being created with every step and threatening even those who manage to avoid a direct hit.

    Additionally, Surus possess E rank Magic resistance and B rank Battle continuation, making it extremely resilient to damage and capable of fighting even in the face of grievous wounds. It's Howdah also has the effect of increasing the Endurance and Magic resistance of anyone within it by one rank, making Rider's already impressive endurance reach truly staggering degrees.

    Thunderhorn
    Unyielding Advance of the Titans
    Rank: A
    Type: Anti-army
    Range: 1-200
    Targets: 100,000
    Description: This Noble phantasm takes the form of an ornate ivory warhorn, on the mouth of which is engraved several depictions of the cartagenian pantheon. It is an excellent warhorn in and of itself, beautifully crafted, unnaturally durable as befitting a Noble phantasm, and capable of carrying it's notes for miles. In order to make use of it's true abilities, Rider must first make a blood offering to the gods of Carthage, letting blood drip across the engravings of their images at the mouth of the horn. Once this is done, the true abilities of the horn will be unlocked, and will be unleashed the next time it's blown..

    The first time the horn is blown, it will produce a sound more similar to that of a thunderclap than a warhorn, signifying it's activation. Soon after, a thick cold fog will slowly descend upon the area. The fog limits visibility to only a few hundred meters, and imposes an unnatural chill on any enemies caught within, sapping their strength and reducing their mental fortitude. In effect, Strength is reduced by one rank, and mind affecting abilities are treated as one rank higher when used on anyone under the effect of the fog. The latter effect can be resisted to a certain degree by having the appropriate skills.

    The second time the horn is blown during this period, up to 20 fully equipped war elephants, complete with javelin throwers riding in their howdah, can be summoned, emerging from the fog behind Rider. Those soldiers are mere figments, being an existence closer to Golems than anything resembling heroic spirits. That said, they are still much stronger than any modern human, having the equivalent of E ranks in all physical stats, and in the right circumstances can prove to be a threat even to servants.

    The elephants themselves have B rank strength and C rank Endurance, as well as possessing the skill of battle continuation at C rank, allowing them to ignore the penalties of non fatal wounds during battle. They are smart enough to follow the instructions of their handlers, and are fully subservient to Rider himself. While not as powerful nor as fast as Surus (in particular their agility barely qualifies as being E rank, befitting creatures of their size), they are still a force to be reckoned with, especially when placed under the direction of Hannibal himself. Additionally, their appearance is accompanied by a mind affecting fear effect, which unless successfully resisted will reduce the power of attacks and increase the difficulty of executing techniques.

    The effects of the horn will last for four hours without requiring additional Prana from Rider. At the end of those four hours, assuming no additional prana is supplied, any survivors would fade back into the mist, followed shortly by the mist itself dissipating.Their disappearance can be delayed by finding an alternative mana source to sustain them, though the mana cost of doing so steadily rises the longer they remain in the world.

    After those four hours have passed, the horn loses it's abilities as a Noble phantasm, and cannot be called upon again for another twelve hours. The ritual would need to be performed once again in order to utilize it's capabilities after the time period has passed.

    In his life, this horn was a valued artifact of the Barcid family, blessed before the priests of the city and passed down through the line. It's was a valued tool of Hannibal's arsenal, and won him several battles early in the second punic war. Unfortunately, it's visage was damaged at the battle of Lake Trasimene, and it henceforth ceased to function. As a servant, he possess a copy of the horn from before it was damaged, allowing it's full functionality to be used.


    Also, if anyone has a better name for the Thunderhorn, please suggest them. The current name for that NP is basically a placeholder that stuck because I couldn't think of a more fitting name.

  14. #11274
    The Voidmaster Clyton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CannonGerbil View Post
    First time making a servant, feedback would be appreciated.
    Rider

    Primary Class: Rider
    True Name: Hannibal Barca, the Terror of Rome

    Parameters:
    Strength: B
    Agility: C
    Endurance: B
    Mana: C
    Luck: D
    NP: A

    Class Skills:
    Riding: A
    All creatures but those of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast-rank can be used as mounts.

    Magic Resistance: C+
    Cancel spells with a chant below two verses. Cannot defend against Magecraft on the level of High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals.
    The blood oath that Hannibal swore has drawn the eye of the gods in his life, granting him a degree of protection against hostile magic forces for as long as he held true to that oath. In addition, due to the nature of the oath, his Anti magic skill is treated as one rank higher when dealing with mysteries of Roman origin.

    Of course, should he ever find himself breaking the terms of that oath, this divine protection will be removed, effectively reducing his magic resistance rank to the equivalent of E, sustained only by the effects of the class container.

    Details:
    An imposing man of North-African descent, bearing an eyepatch over his left eye and a short beard and mustache. He stands over six feet tall, his torso clad in segmented bronze armour ending with a skirt made out of the same material, and a gold trimmed red cloak is wrapped around his shoulders. A long sickle shaped blade hangs at this waist, with an ornate warhorn hanging on his other side. Several long javelins are strapped to his back, wrapped in a sheath of oxhide, alongside a gleaming white oval shield.

    His true identity is Hannibal Barca, he who brought Rome to it's knees, and struck so much terror into the hearts of the Romans that etched his name so deep into the Roman cultural psyche that his name was still spoken off with fear even centuries after his death. At a young age, he swore before the gods of Carthage that he would arrest the destiny of Rome with fire and steel, an oath which guided his actions up till his dying breath.

    The numerous feats he performed in pursuit of that goal are still spoken off to this day. This impossible march across the alps, the battles that he fought along the way that shows his tactical and strategic brilliance, even the victory at Cannae, which he pulled against immense odds. All of which brought him ever closer to seeing his vision fulfilled, to see Rome bowed before him and restore Carthage to it's rightful position.

    But alas, despite his success in the field of battle, that goal was something that forever eluded his grasp. His enemies were too determined, too crafty, and the support promised by his allies, his own government, the support he so desperately needed to bring the war to a conclusive end, never materialized. In the end, all it took was one final battle, and all his previous successes, all those blows that he delivered, was wiped away, and his dream came crumbling down around him.

    He spent the last of his days in exile, making pitiful, spiteful strikes against Rome before eventually betrayed into Roman hands, where upon he choose to suicide rather than face whatever judgement the Romans had in store for him. As he breathed his last, he thought back to the war he lost all those years ago. If only he had gotten the support he needed, if only his allies hadn't abandoned him in his time of need. If only…

    Just once, I would've liked to have fought in a war where my allies supported me. Where I had the resources to win. Just once….

    Personal Skills:
    Military Tactics: A+
    Hailed as the father of strategy, and famed for the numerous battles that he won in the face of impossible odds, Rider's skill as military commander is almost unparalleled. Both his noble phantasms gain a significant boost when deployed by him, and anti army noble phantasms deployed against him suffer a severe reduction in effectiveness. This bonus also applies to any armies under his command. Additionally, this bonus increases the more outnumbered he is by the enemy.

    Protection from Elements (Wind and Ice): C+
    Ability to defend against the elements. At this rank, attacks and abilities involving cold or wind of C rank and below can be nullified, while higher ranked abilities have their effectiveness reduced by two ranks and are treated as if they are two ranks lower than they actually are. Due to his legend, this ability increases in effectiveness the higher from the ground he is.

    Charisma: C+
    Charisma is the natural talent to command an army. Increases the ability of allies during group battles. As an esteemed leader of men in his life, and the ruler of New Carthage in his own right, he has a Charisma score to match. In addition, due to his accomplishments in life, his charisma is counted as a rank greater when it comes to military matters.

    Pathfinder: A
    The ability to cross treacherous or hostile terrain without harm. In his life, Rider was famed for leading his army through paths once thought impassable, and this skill reflects that. This skill grants a preternatural ability to identify a safe path through any environment, with traps, pitfalls, and other hazards appearing as obvious as day to Rider's eye. At this rank, he may also choose to extend the effects of this skill to anyone around him, allowing even an army to follow him safely across any environment, no matter how treacherous. As long as there is even the slightest chance to make it through unharmed, no matter how small, this skill greatly increases the chances of doing so.

    Noble Phantasms:
    Surus
    Enduring Titan of the Peaks
    Rank: B
    Type: Anti-army
    Range: 2-50
    Targets: 100
    Description: Surus is an impressive specimen of an elephant, which Rider summons by blowing on his war horn. It is half again as large as it's living kin, and is kitted out with armaments befitting it's status. It's body gleams with large bronze shields over a blood red coat, it's tusk and head is armoured and reinforced with a solid bronze helmet, etched with intricate carvings that conveys the blessing of the gods, and on it's back houses an ornate roofed howdah, which serves as the seat of Rider in battle.

    In life, it was Hannibal's favoured mount, a gift from the east and far superior to any other elephant under his command. It was fitted with the highest quality armaments that he could procure and was a terror on the battlefield, proving to be pivotal in many of his battles across Spain and Italy.

    As a noble phantasm, it's already impressive abilities are amplified beyond what is naturally possible. It has an Endurance and Strength rating of A, and Agility rating of D, which allows it to move quicker than any living creature, easily keeping pace with modern automobiles. Shockwaves follows in it's wake on a charge, being created with every step and threatening even those who manage to avoid a direct hit.

    Additionally, Surus possess E rank Magic resistance and B rank Battle continuation, making it extremely resilient to damage and capable of fighting even in the face of grievous wounds. It's Howdah also has the effect of increasing the Endurance and Magic resistance of anyone within it by one rank, making Rider's already impressive endurance reach truly staggering degrees.

    Thunderhorn
    Unyielding Advance of the Titans
    Rank: A
    Type: Anti-army
    Range: 1-200
    Targets: 100,000
    Description: This Noble phantasm takes the form of an ornate ivory warhorn, on the mouth of which is engraved several depictions of the cartagenian pantheon. It is an excellent warhorn in and of itself, beautifully crafted, unnaturally durable as befitting a Noble phantasm, and capable of carrying it's notes for miles. In order to make use of it's true abilities, Rider must first make a blood offering to the gods of Carthage, letting blood drip across the engravings of their images at the mouth of the horn. Once this is done, the true abilities of the horn will be unlocked, and will be unleashed the next time it's blown..

    The first time the horn is blown, it will produce a sound more similar to that of a thunderclap than a warhorn, signifying it's activation. Soon after, a thick cold fog will slowly descend upon the area. The fog limits visibility to only a few hundred meters, and imposes an unnatural chill on any enemies caught within, sapping their strength and reducing their mental fortitude. In effect, Strength is reduced by one rank, and mind affecting abilities are treated as one rank higher when used on anyone under the effect of the fog. The latter effect can be resisted to a certain degree by having the appropriate skills.

    The second time the horn is blown during this period, up to 20 fully equipped war elephants, complete with javelin throwers riding in their howdah, can be summoned, emerging from the fog behind Rider. Those soldiers are mere figments, being an existence closer to Golems than anything resembling heroic spirits. That said, they are still much stronger than any modern human, having the equivalent of E ranks in all physical stats, and in the right circumstances can prove to be a threat even to servants.

    The elephants themselves have B rank strength and C rank Endurance, as well as possessing the skill of battle continuation at C rank, allowing them to ignore the penalties of non fatal wounds during battle. They are smart enough to follow the instructions of their handlers, and are fully subservient to Rider himself. While not as powerful nor as fast as Surus (in particular their agility barely qualifies as being E rank, befitting creatures of their size), they are still a force to be reckoned with, especially when placed under the direction of Hannibal himself. Additionally, their appearance is accompanied by a mind affecting fear effect, which unless successfully resisted will reduce the power of attacks and increase the difficulty of executing techniques.

    The effects of the horn will last for four hours without requiring additional Prana from Rider. At the end of those four hours, assuming no additional prana is supplied, any survivors would fade back into the mist, followed shortly by the mist itself dissipating.Their disappearance can be delayed by finding an alternative mana source to sustain them, though the mana cost of doing so steadily rises the longer they remain in the world.

    After those four hours have passed, the horn loses it's abilities as a Noble phantasm, and cannot be called upon again for another twelve hours. The ritual would need to be performed once again in order to utilize it's capabilities after the time period has passed.

    In his life, this horn was a valued artifact of the Barcid family, blessed before the priests of the city and passed down through the line. It's was a valued tool of Hannibal's arsenal, and won him several battles early in the second punic war. Unfortunately, it's visage was damaged at the battle of Lake Trasimene, and it henceforth ceased to function. As a servant, he possess a copy of the horn from before it was damaged, allowing it's full functionality to be used.


    Also, if anyone has a better name for the Thunderhorn, please suggest them. The current name for that NP is basically a placeholder that stuck because I couldn't think of a more fitting name.
    I'm particularly fond of the Pathfinder skill you came up with.

    I can't really give constructive criticism since I have a Hannibal being finalized in the works as a Berserker (plus Nasuverse background being added), but I love your take on him as a Rider.

  15. #11275
    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One
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    Nice, but I can't say I'm not too fond of Thunderhorn's effect (although I like the idea of it being a NP)... it's yet another general-type servant who summons soldiers. Hardly original.
    Then again, Hannibal's fame is entirely due to him being a commander, so if he is summoned without one...


  16. #11276
    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One Kat's Avatar
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    There. This is what I was actually basing the whole "oni blooded" thing on.

    Thank you, now I don't have to visualise him as that mayo addict.

  17. #11277
    Quote Originally Posted by Sherrinford View Post
    Nice, but I can't say I'm not too fond of Thunderhorn's effect (although I like the idea of it being a NP)... it's yet another general-type servant who summons soldiers. Hardly original.
    Then again, Hannibal's fame is entirely due to him being a commander, so if he is summoned without one...
    Yeah, the army phantasm is pretty much tied to making Hannibal as a servant, much more than Alexander, even. I tried to make it focus more on the elephants that he was famous for rather than his army, to differentiate it from Alexander's NP, but there's only so much wriggle room in his legend. The only other option for Hannibal's NP that I can think of is to allow him to recreate Cannae, and that will basically end up as Ionioi Hetairoi with a different name.

  18. #11278
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle Council's Avatar
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    There has already been a Hannibal Servant down the line... people have given great praise to the writer, whose name I cannot recall- As his Noble Phantasms weakened over the course of the War to reflect how the Punnic Wars became more one-sided in Rome's favor with time. I am more than fond the concept. I don't know how you could top them, thus, surprise us:3
    They are a family in the end<3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seika View Post
    Nooooo, my auto-merge.
    ; - ;

  19. #11279
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    Is there any mythological person that has described as being at every battle? I swear I remember some like that. It could even just be "all the battles of Greece" and I can just upgrade it to every battle ever like Achiles was upgraded to fastast HS EVER.

  20. #11280
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle Council's Avatar
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    Oh, I found~

    The writer was SINIB; I recommend the read:3

    And, I do find yours is far too powerful in comparison. To have A+ Military Tactics for the man who lost three out of three wars is a stretch. The Roman empire was just a Roman country back then, remember. He didn't defeat impossible odds, just bad ones. Rank B is already reserved for people in general who never lost a battle. And how his NPs degrade with time reflects his nature as a hero, which I do believe is more than half of what Heroic Spirits are intended to be.
    Last edited by Council; May 28th, 2015 at 04:14 PM.
    They are a family in the end<3
    [IMG]****************************convkey/b661/18u906w0cxufpguzg.jpg[/IMG]

    I have commited a horrible crime.
    Quote Originally Posted by Seika View Post
    Nooooo, my auto-merge.
    ; - ;

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