Create-a-Servant

[Christemo]

So I recognize that Genghis deserved Servanthood and I do get that you say that you want this guy to be ridiculous, but jesus this guy could shrek Gil with 1 hand bound behind his back if not for his Divinity.

I just hope you dont actually intend to use this guy in any fic.

[Kat]

I would personally make Genkhis at least as strong as Iskander if not stronger, but he ain't Gil tier.

[Christemo]

I would personally make Genkhis at least as strong as Iskander if not stronger, but he ain't Gil tier.

Genghis isnt an Age of Gods Servant, he should be far weaker than Iskander.

[KitsuneKo]

So I recognize that Genghis deserved Servanthood and I do get that you say that you want this guy to be ridiculous, but jesus this guy could shrek Gil with 1 hand bound behind his back if not for his Divinity.

I just hope you dont actually intend to use this guy in any fic.

Actually, Gil is a natural counter to Temujin for several reasons... The first you already mentioned being his divinity getting pwned by Enkidu.

The second is that just like Ionioi Heitairoi, Chinggis Khan would get get wrecked by Ea.

The third is that Temujin's ace will have absolutely no effect on weakening Gilgamesh, since it only brings out self perceived sins. Gilgamesh thinks everything he does is right. While Temujin could expand Tengri uur Tseerlel to affect the entirety of Japan to drain them of their strength, keep in mind that commoners are weak as shit and that the Noble Phantasm's real use is to try to use the strength of his enemies against them, so he wouldn't be getting his bang for his buck. He could try to keep expanding it, but without servants to feed him real power it would barely give him an edge while fighting Gil. Not to mention if he does decide to drain the entire nation, he won't be able to use the Phantasm again until the nation's people either recover (which may take weeks or months) or in the case of a particularly sinful nation repopulate (which would take generations).

I would personally make Genkhis at least as strong as Iskander if not stronger, but he ain't Gil tier.

I was aiming for something between Iskander and Gil ._. I hope I hit the mark, but if it ends up closer to Gil tier then you can at least be happy that Gil is a natural counter to Temujin :P

- - - Updated - - -

Genghis isnt an Age of Gods Servant, he should be far weaker than Iskander.

Iskander failed to reach Oceanus, Genghis Khan essentially took over the world.

On the scope of their achievements, Temujin should be superior.

[YeOfLittleFaith]

It's funny you mentioned that precise fact about Scourge Of The Sky God when I was just looking at Christemo's post and thinking to myself "wait, that would do nothing to Gil, he thinks everything he does is right".

:P

[Christemo]

Iskander failed to reach Oceanus, Genghis Khan essentially took over the world.
On the scope of their achievements, Temujin should be superior.

Karna conquered all of the world for Duryodhana and it has zero impact on his abilities.

[Siriel]

Iskander failed to reach Oceanus

Oceanus is just a metaphor. That's why he could hear its waves while charging toward Gilgamesh.

[Daneel Rush]

So, I already presented Taxma Urupa as a cliché supervillain tainted by Angra Mainyu. It was a silly stat page for a number of reasons, but that was how I wanted it. Anyway, now I introduce Heroic Spirit Taxma Urupa, in all his glory. Still a Rider, because I honestly can't see him in any other class, not even Caster. Also, because Heroic Spirit riding giant penis worm.

Next time I'll post a completely new Servant, I promise.

******************************************

Dauntless

“You eat alone,” he said, his voice audible even before his presence was made manifest. From his Master’s reaction, visible on her face, he guessed it was not the best way to start a conversation.

“R-Rider-san,” Sakura greeted in a weak voice, hesitatingly glancing upwards and making it a point of ignoring his bare torso to meet his face looking down on her with sternness. They did not look remotely similar, but Sakura was for some unexplainable reason reminded of her father—or at least, of the vague recollections of him her mind stubbornly clung to.

“Shouldn’t Rider-san be with nii-san…?”

“That man has no need of me at the moment,” the tall man spoke dismissingly, crossing strong arms in front of his muscular chest. “If he calls, I will go to him. Otherwise I would rather be here. Would you rather I leave you to yourself, Sakura?”

“Eh? Ah! No, I…I don’t mind.”

Alone in the rooftop. It was like a cliché from one of those manga her classmates like to read. Sakura was not sure herself why she had chosen that place that day; the Grail War was probably doing strange things to her mood. She felt strangely melancholic, which was strange because she was already long used to being alone. She thought of Shirou, and of how he may be faring.

“The Master of Saber is resting today,” Rider suddenly spoke, looking at the world beyond the rooftop fence. “Do not worry much; his life is not in danger.”

A blushing Sakura stared at her Servant with the eyes of a frightened dove, big and beady and unabashedly honest. Was she really that easy to read? Even if she was…

“Why…?” She asked, softly, as if it were physically painful to make the question.

“Why do I know?” Rider helpfully completed. “Why do I care?”

Sakura could only nod; she had exhausted her vocal chords with a single word. Her Servant still bothered not look at her, seemingly more interested in the sights and sounds of Fuyuki beyond the school grounds.

“Sakura,” he finally said. “I only know that there is something awfully, disgustingly, familiarly wrong meddling in this Grail War, and perhaps in the Grail system as a whole. And I know that, whatever it is—because I pray to both your and my gods it is not what I think it is—, you and your family…and that monstrous thing you call grandfather, stand at the center of it.”

He finally turned his gaze and let it fall upon her, and Sakura felt the urge to crawl away. The calm ferocity in his eyes, the promise of blinding, glorious violence to be unleashed; who was he presenting those eyes to? To Sakura herself? To the one who owned her? To the familiars watching unseen, all around them?

“Whatever it is, I will do something about it,” Rider declared. “It is my purpose and my duty. Nothing you or your grandfather say or do will change that.”

His eyes turned back to the horizon, and Sakura released her breath long caught in her throat.

“I will claim the Grail for you if that is your wish, but only after I make sure the Grail is worth claiming.”

“The Grail, I…I don’t really want…”

“Yet you are the only one among the Matous who deserves it.” Suddenly, his voice lightened, losing most of its gruffness and gaining an undertone Sakura thought was familiar but could not pinpoint with precision. “Although, I will admit I am very biased.”

“Huh? Eh, wah!?” An unladylike squeak burst past Sakura’s lips when her Servant planted a huge hand on her head and stroke her hair with little delicateness. Her hair would probably become a mess, but that was the last thing in Sakura’s mind at the moment.

It was…she did not…remember the last time someone did something like this to her. Did it…ever…?

“You remind me of the woman I loved, Sakura,” Rider finally admitted. While his words were suggestive, there was no trace of those feelings on his face. He certainly was not treating her like a man would his lover.

“So, I want to protect you. And that goes to the old worm watching.”

Rider felt Sakura freezing up under his hand. Unbothered, he crouched down in front of her, forcing Sakura to meet his clear blue eyes.

“She is not yours. She has never been yours, and she will never be.”

Hoping that Zouken could actually see his face somehow, Rider presented him the smile of a predator that knows no fear.

“And yes, that is a challenge.”

TAXMA URUPA
Class: Rider

Gender: Male
Height: 189 cm
Weight: 90 kg

Alignment: Lawful Good

Appearance: Tall and with a strong build, Tahmuras has the looks of a frontliner rather than a weaver of spells. When summoned, the top half of his body would be bared, revealing firm pectorals and skin well toned. His waist and legs would be covered by a long skirt of white linen and gold thread. His platinum blond hair would be neatly trimmed, except for nine long locks braided with gold string and capped with the same precious metal at their ends. A well-cared for beard covers the bottom half of his face, and his eyes, instead of the unnatural red that was commonplace in the Age of Gods, shines with the radiant, pristine blue of the skies of a distant utopia. He carries a heavy mace as his main weapon—it is not a Noble Phantasm, but it is especially effective against entities that normally can only be harmed with Conceptual Weapons.

Strength C
Endurance C
Agility B
Magic A
Luck B
Noble Phantasm A+

Class Skills:
* Magic Resistance: Grants protection against magical effects.

A – Cancel spells of A-rank or below. In practice, the Servant is untouchable to modern magi.

* Riding: Expertise to ride animals and vehicles.

A+ – Creatures on the level of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast can be used as mounts. However, that does not apply to members of the Dragon Kind.

Personal Skills:
* Beacon of Mankind: The ability to educate, nurture, lead and guide the lesser, given to the founding fathers whose deeds led to the formation of organized cultures and civilizations.

B – The Servant may gift those under his aegis with the benefit of a Skill up to rank C, and he may imbue different Skills on different subjects. Skills that are themselves equivalent to multiple Skills (Imperial Privilege, Voyager of the Storm, Expert of Many Specializations) cannot be granted in this manner.

* Flawlessness of Self: Absolute integrity of body, mind and soul. It may be either a supreme divine gift that grants its recipient a perfection of the self, or a result of enlightenment upon achieving unity with the universe, or even the physical and spiritual manifestation of narcissistic arrogance, so powerful it rejects all distortions and manipulations.

A++ – The greatest treasure of Persian mythology; the “Glory” (xᵛarnah) granted to those blessed by Ahura Mazda with the right of kingship. Taxma Urupa is absolutely immune to any foreign supernatural effect that would manipulate or distort his body (forced shapechanging and many forms of physical interference), mind (mental interference) or soul (spiritual possession). Furthermore, he gains rank-up to Luck (already included in the stats above).

* High-Speed Divine Words: The power to activate Thaumaturgy without the use of Magic Circuits. The language of the Age of Gods, back when words played a heavy role in spellcasting. As such, it is power long lost by modern magi.

C – Line counts for all spells are halved. Single-verse spells can be cast at the speed of Single-Action spells.

Noble Phantasm:

Spoiler:

Aŋra Mainiiu

Sorcerous Reins of Divine Glory

Type: Anti-Army
Rank: A+
Range: 2-50
Maximum number of targets: 250 people

As a Servant Rider, Taxma Urupa’s trump card is the reproduction of his greatest feat. He may invoke a lesser manifestation of All the World’s Evil as his steed; an ink black stallion with eyes like the Void, a construct of shadow rather than a living, thinking entity. The vile steed is Angra Mainyu, and thus exists solely for the sake of the destruction of humankind and would normally accept no rider. Rather than the steed itself, the power to control it and ride it to battle is Taxma Urupa’s Noble Phantasm. Unlike Medusa’s, it is not a physical bridle, but a sorcerous binding; incomparable magic from the Age of Gods capable of making a high-rank Divine Spirit submit to the hero’s authority. As a purely conceptual Noble Phantasm, it cannot be destroyed with sheer physical force. In the legend, Angra Mainyu learned Taxma Urupa’s weak point from his wife, but the nature of that weak point is never described in the scripts. Perhaps another Heroic Spirit from the same mythos could divine it and in that way break the shah’s control over All the World’s Evil.

As the partial manifestation of a Divine Spirit of the highest rank in its source mythos, Taxma Urupa’s steed is an astoundingly powerful creature. It is a juggernaut when on the move, nigh impossible to stop with physical force and possessing of unparalleled resistance to magic. Its maximum speed under normal conditions is around three hundred kilometers per hour, charging upon everyone and everything with its powerful bulk and trampling anything in its path with mighty hooves engulfed in whips of shadow. The final trump card is the definite charging assault in which Taxma Urupa removes all limiters placed upon his vile war steed:

khṣ̌aθra paiti zem

Glorious Subjugation of All Creation

. Rider and mount sublimate their power into a calamitous charge of light and darkness at supersonic speed—the blazing bolt that surges across the earth and the skies carries both the “Holy” and “Shadow” properties. The prana cost, however, is so high Rider risks self-destruction if he uses this attack. Furthermore, the charge is limited in that it can only be done from east to west, or vice versa. Using this Noble Phantasm from any other direction is impossible.

If summoned in the Fuyuki Grail War, there is a possibility that the manifestation of Angra Mainyu is altered by the influence of the tainted Grail, becoming a gargantuan black worm instead of a warhorse. The worm is one of the physical forms of Ahriman, but that still would not explain why it would look so disturbingly similar to the Matou’s familiars.

Setting Notes

Spoiler:

The third Shah of the world according to Ferdowsi’s Shahnameh, known as Tahmuras or Tahmurat in Old Persian. He is renowned as a great inventor and the one who taught mankind how to weave wool, domesticate poultry and train hunting animals, among other things. He was a great ruler who protected the lands from countless demons, binding them to his service with his potent spells and crushing those he could not subdue with his heavy mace. But his greatest achievement was undoubtedly the subduing of the very source of all demons, the vile Angra Mainyu, embodiment of the world’s evil. It is said that Taxma Urupa defeated it and made it his slave, even reshaping its form into that of a great steed for him to ride. Thirty-years later, however, Angra Mainyu was able to exert enough influence on the king’s wife, who thus tricked him into releasing the Divine Spirit from its thralldom. Angra Mainyu did not waste an instant and swallowed the king whole.

However, in some Persian sources this is not the end of the story. The story claims that Taxma Urupa’s successor, Yima Xšaēta (better known by his Persian name, Jamshid), rescued the former king by literally pulling him out of Angra Mainyu’s anus. The exposure to the profane corpus of All the World’s Evil was sufficient to make Jamshid’s hand wither like an old tree. However, Tahmuras stepped out of the body unholy with his form still immaculate. Upon finding freedom once more, the former king recognized Jamshid’s sovereignty, and stepped out of the march of history.

The wise king is a kind pragmatist, a merciful autocrat and a peaceful conqueror. He is not an idealist and accept the fact that sacrifices have to be made and that no everybody can—or even wishes to—be saved, but he will still try to save everyone, because he believes everybody deserves to be saved. Because he has gazed upon absolute evil, submerged himself in it and overcome it, he knows his purpose is to prevent those lesser to him from succumbing to that treacherous, vile taint. He is a man of many talents, but he is not some virtuoso of combat—with mace and spells, his best strategy is to trample over his enemies with overwhelming force. He is a hopeless optimist—he survived Angra Mainyu unscathed, so there is nothing else in this world that could bring him down anymore. Naturally, he despises the vile Ahriman with the entirety of its magnificent self, and of all Heroic Spirits he has the greatest chance to detect the corruption of the Grail system and identify its source. Should that happen, he would be the staunchest believer in the idea of destroying Fuyuki’s Grail once and for all.

Keywords

Spoiler:

Spellcasting—Taxma Urupa is rather proficient with his mace, but he is primarily a spellcaster, and even his martial skill relies on potent Reinforcement magic. He cannot be summoned as a Caster because the “weight” of his feat of binding Angra Mainyu as his steed overrides any other aspect of his legend (similarly to Arturia and the Saber class), but even in the Rider container he has the power and skill to use many of his ancient magics. His most powerful, large-scale rituals are beyond his capabilities as a Servant, but his entire Reinforcement suit remains available, as well as spells with an innate “Holy” attribute, anti-Spirit magic, lesser rituals to summon and control animals and, of course, the demon-binding techniques he is also famous for.

[Sherrinford]

Oh hey, Tahmuras... I was working on him too (among all the others).

Eh, I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to like those savage mongol barbarians.

[Christemo]

fucking mongorians

[Vagrant]

Long post ahoy, haven't reviewed servants in a while but the recent influx of interesting ones has inspired me to do so!

Class: Berserker
Name: Ivar Ragnarsson
Title: Ivar the Boneless

Parameters:
Strength: B+
Endurance: B+
Agility: A+
Mana: D+
Luck: C+

All these Plus Multipliers hurt. They're not even alluded to in the main bio, so how are they being triggered? I'd ditch all of the Plusses and then the stats don't look too bad, assuming these are the ME-modified ones. A Berserker who is more agile than strong is a nice change of pace, in any case.

Class Skills:

Mad Enhancement: B
- Like a large number of Norse Warriors, Ivar was renowned as a berserker, Old Norse warriors who fought in a nearly uncontrollable, trance-like fury. This skill trades Ivar's sanity and mental facilities for a boost in parameters.

Personal Skills:

Faith's Reward: A
- A skill symbolizing Ivar's great belief in the pagan gods as well as his notoriety against those of other religion. This skill grants a small boost in parameters when Ivar is facing an opponent of a religion drastically different from the Norse faith. Due to his actions in his life, this boost is enhanced if the enemy is of the Catholic faith.

Charisma: B(E)
- Ivar the Boneless was a renowned conqueror and king who commanded the Great Heathen Army without much difficulty. This skill allows him to command an equivalent of a kingdom as well as a large army. However, Mad Enhancement has reduced the effectiveness of this skill.

Just realised the Plus Modifiers probably stem from Faith's Reward. But if they do, I hardly think doubling every single stat is "a small boost". Even against Catholics that's just an outright ridiculous boost. I'd alter the skill somehow, change it from boosting Parameters to something more apt or elegant.

Noble Phantasms:

Inn Beinlausi, He Whose Bone Is Cartilage: E

- A minor Noble Phantasm that reflects Ivar's title as the Boneless, most likely garnered through a show of physical flexibility in combat. This Noble Phantasm imbues Ivar's skeletal system with aunique quality that puts it somewhere in between bone and cartilage, too hard to be shattered and too soft to be fractured. The flexibility of his bones also give Ivar great agility in combat.

Bloougr Orn, Now the Blood Eagle: B
- One of Ivar's favorite torture techniques was the Blood Eagle, where the bloody eagle is carved on the victims back before having the ribs pulled from the spine and the lungs pulled out to form the eagle's wings. As a Noble Phantasm, this allows Ivar to plant a curse on the enemy's back upon physical contact, requiring a Magic Resistance of A or higher to counteract. The curse manifests as a symbol, in the form of a blood-red eagle. If Ivar manages to make contact with the symbol, the curse is activated and pulls out the enemy's ribs and lungs outward to where the symbol was placed. The curse manifests from within and is no longer affected by Magic Resistance once the symbol has been placed. If an enemy already has the blood eagle on his body, Ivar can not place a new one on him. Due to Mad Enhancement, Ivar instinctively places the curse on the enemy at the first opportunity too do so, without regard to the advantages and disadvantages of where the symbol was placed.

Inn Beinlausi is interesting, but I could see it being a Personal Skill since it's so minor. JPersonally I'd have it as a skill providing a permanent Rank Up to AGI, explaining why his Agility is greater than his Strength and Endurance.

The Blood Eagle, however, has interesting applications on a Berserker, even if it initially seems OP. Magic Resistance of A or more is the only thing that can stop it? Not a high Mana Parameter or some other skills that reject stuff like this? Also, the supposed downside to his ME affecting this seems... well, not a downside at all. I mean, regardless of where it happens the target's ribs and lungs have still been ripped out. I'd make the ME more like something that causes him to ignore the Blood Eagle often in favour of just battering people, and even if he does place the mark his madness means he has a hard time hitting the same spot twice. Seems more fitting for a Berserker, I think.

Overall I think it's mildly interesting but lacks the zing I look for in great Servant sheets. Still, though, it is definitely a solid profile.

SEMIRAMIS
Class: Caster

Strength D
Endurance C
Agility C
Magic A
Luck A
Noble Phantasm A++

Class Skills:
* Item Construction: The skill to manufacture magical items.

B – A reflection of incredible variety rather the individual potency of her fabrications. Semiramis is particularly talented at the creation of magical war machines and equipment that enhances physical prowess, and she is also an accomplished alchemist.

* Territory Creation: The skill to build a special terrain that is advantageous to oneself as a magus.

A++ – Creation of a network of “Temples” in auspicious locations connected by favorable leylines becomes possible. Combined with her architectural prowess, her capabilities with this skill are close to the highest among Servants.

Personal Skills:
* Charisma: The natural talent to command an army. Increases the ability of allies during group battles. A rare talent.

A+ – At this point it is no longer popularity, but rather a kind of spell (curse) in itself.

* Divinity: The measure of whether one has Divine Spirit aptitude or not.

B+ – Born a demigoddess, Semiramis has been connected to so many goddess figures and cults that her effective value is notably boosted when in the presence of any other divine manifestations—the defensive bonus applies against any opponent with Divinity, regardless of rank. Provides an intrinsic bonus to all offensive as well as defensive rolls against opponents with Divinity Rank C or lower.

* Magic Resistance: Grants protection against magical effects.

B+ – Cancels spells with a chant below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult for Semiramis to be affected. Furthermore, she is immune to all magical spells and effects associated with the Water Element, regardless of rank or line count.

Pretty sensible, standard Caster-type stat block, and her skills seem self explanatory. I like the step up from Rank A you have for Territory Creation, as well as your modification to Divinity to provide more tangible effects to being godly. I'd like to see Proto!Gil try to use

Enki

Star of Destruction

against her only to see it totally shrugged off. The overall feel is basic and simple, given she has no special standout skills listed, but of great power, which I like.

Noble Phantasm:

Kiri Bābilim

The Promised Dominion of Mankind

(Gardens of Babylon)
Type: Anti-Army
Rank: A++
Range: 1-99
Maximum number of targets: Indefinite

The realization of the most wondrous city of the Age of Gods. It is probably not the city as it truly was, but the exalted pinnacle of human achievement described in legend and yearned for in the dreams of those who have only heard of it. A legendary city of impossibilities brought to life by the legendary queen humanity has anointed. Unlike the mythical cities of El Dorado or Shambala, Babylon undoubtedly existed, marvelous and golden like no other in its time. It is this natural acknowledgement which gives the legendary city its potency as a millenary mystery. Semiramis brings Babylon to life as her Noble Phantasm—a colossal, city-sized Bounded Field equivalent of a thaumaturgical ritual of the highest level. Magic that would be fundamentally impossible for any single individual, no matter how powerful, becomes possible to Semiramis because she is supported by the unconscious, unspoken and unacknowledged wish of the entirety of mankind to return to those golden days of Babylon the eternal. The longing of billions of humans for an ideal city of wonders becomes the intangible foundation which Semiramis builds upon to create her beautiful magical metropolis.

Regardless of the name, Semiramis brings the entire city to life, not only its legendary “Hanging Gardens”. Within the city, Semiramis is queen and goddess; she sees all and knows all, and everything acts and moves according to her will: from the ancient arrow launchers in the guard towers to the Lamassu-type guardian golems placed near significant landmarks; each and every single of the city’s mundane and magical defenses can be operated remotely by the all-controlling Queen of Heaven. Semiramis conceals herself within the Hanging Gardens, and it is indeed there where the defenses of the city of wonders are at their most deadly, for every single leaf, branch, vine, seed and flower is a magical weapon. Entangling vines strong enough to capture Divine Beasts, flying leaves that slice through even enchanted armor, thick bludgeoning branches with strength matching that of Heroic Spirits, flowers whose fragrance is as dangerous as it is alluring, crystal-like seeds that trigger all sorts of magical effects upon proximity of an uninvited guest—magical secrets from the Age of Gods come to life within the greatest of Babylon’s wonders; a grand concert of beauty and magic conducted by the maestro, Semiramis.

Within Babylon, everybody is infused with elation. The longer a person stays within the city, the more he is affected by the subtle compulsion driving him to abandon himself to self-indulgence until rationality is lost and only an animalistic urge to act on his own desires remains. Whether it is wine, games or women matters not; Babylon is the golden city where anything is possible and everything is within the reach of one’s hand.

Naturally, the prana expense for maintaining such a complex thaumaturgical marvel is beyond absurd. Semiramis has no choice but to use her Territory Creation Skill to set up a network of favorable locations and tap into the magical energy collected in all these locales at once. With her own prana and the support of a Master, she can at most conjure specific portions of the great city—more often than not a layer of the Hanging Gardens. Destroying the completely-deployed city is extremely difficult, requiring at least half a dozen uses of an Anti-Fortress Noble Phantasm or the equivalent of an army’s uninterrupted assault for at least two hours. Naturally, the death of Semiramis erases the city as well.

This is cool, a majestic and detailed description of an incredible city of legend. I actually once wrote up an El Dorado that operated in a similar manner, pulling only small segments of it out into the real world at any one time to use as weapons, so I appreciate that aspect of the Phantasm as well as the balancing of the immense prana consumption it has. Also, its sheer mass and difficulty to destroy is impressive, she'd certainly be a sight to see in an actual story utilising this. The language you use is great, I always like the ridiculous Nasu-ish statements that Phantasms like this allow people to make. "She is supported by the unconscious, unspoken and unacknowledged wish of the entirety of mankind to return to those golden days of Babylon the eternal" is definitely my favourite line in the whole sheet.

Archer
Borjigin Temujin (Chinggis/Genghis Khan)
The King of the World (世界王 Sekai-Ou)


Servant Parameters
Strength: B
Endurance: B
Agility: A+
Mana: B
Luck: A
N Phantasms: EX

Oh, a Chinggis Khan profile? I'm certain that this will be a balanced and reasonable sheet :P I feel like his stats are high for a Rider, particularly Agility. That's what horses are for, damn it! Aside from dropping that and probably Strength a bit though I have no real complaints. Archers don't tend to have hight Strength in the Nasuverse for the most part, unless they're Herk of course.

Class Skills:

Independent Action (A+) – Archer can remain in this world indefinitely even without a Master. However, in order to activate his Noble Phantasm, it is necessary to first acquire an extra supply of prana from alternative sources.

Magic Resistance (B) – While the Archer Class naturally has this skill, Temujin’s was further developed during his countless campaigns across the world, where he had fought countless magi. Cancels spells with a chant below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult for him to be affected

Personal Skills:
Charisma (A) – Temujin was not only a King, but also an unparalleled Statesman and Military Commander. Though his campaigns have made him many enemies, during his life the entire world worshipped him as not only their King, but also as the incarnation of God.

Divinity (B) – Known far and wide as the incarnation of the Sky God, Temujin was both human and God.

Influence (A) – Temujin’s direct influence on the world persists over seven hundred years after death, in the form of his loyal retainers and countless descendants spread all over the world as well as his legends. While he is no longer considered the ruler of the people, the world continues to recognize him as its King. As a result, he has unlimited access to prana anywhere in the world, though this is limited by his prana capacity.

Riding (A+) – The Mongols were known far and wide as the greatest horsemen the world had ever seen, with Temujin at its pinnacle. Because of this, he is able to maintain his riding skill, even when summoned as an Archer. Creatures on the level of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast can be used as mounts.

Eye of the Mind (EX) – Temujin was known as a peerless military commander and politician who won every single battle, on the field or in the court, he had ever partook in, no matter what the odds. Capable of calm analysis of all conditions, regardless of any form of pressure, and quickly deduce the best course of action after considering all possibilities to escape from a predicament. Even if there is a 0.01% chance of a comeback, this ability greatly improves the chances of winning.

Ah, and the wank begins to flow. Eye of the Mind Rank B is already enough to turn 1% chance into victory. I'm certain you didn't need to slap on an EX rank when an A or A+ rank would have sufficed here. Riding also seems stupidly high given that he's only ever been renowned for riding horses, not ridiculous Phantasmal Beasts. I'm certain any Mongol hero would have great riding skill for horses and other normal beasts, I just don't think you need to slap on a rank that allows him to ride god phoenix birds with ease.

Also, the World recognising him as its king? I love Chinggis Khan, but that statement sounds absurd even to me. There's plenty of legends of people having conquered the whole known world. Yes, he did a great job of it as a real thing, but no I doubt the actual World somehow continues to acknowledge him as its King. it sounds excessive and grandiose to me. The ability, while kind of OP as hell, seems okay. I'm always wary of unlimited prana though, even with the limitation of his capacity, especially given Rank B Mana is a pretty damn high capacity.

Ayanga uur Khilen – Wrath of Thunder (A) – Anti-Unit

It was said that all Mongols feared the Thunder. In the great steppes of Mongolia, there was no cover from the fury of the sky, so during a thunderstorm all were subject to the wrath of Heaven. All, but Temujin. In the famous final battle against his sworn brother Jamukha, his forces were vastly outnumbered. The sky grew impatient with the brothers’ quarrelling, and released its fury without caution at both sides of the battle. While every other man in both armies cowered and ducked in fear, Temujin alone stood proudly in the barren plains, undaunted by the anger of God. His men saw his courage, and they too stood proudly beside their King. Moved by his courage, the sky thus spared Temujin’s army of its wrath, and instead assisted the young Khan in forcing Jamukha’s army into surrender. From that moment on, Temujin forever gained the loyalty of Thunder.

As a Noble Phantasm, the Thunder manifests itself into an elegant composite bow, to be used by Temujin as the martial instrument he was most comfortable with. When the string is pulled, Temujin need not load any arrows, but the bow itself will manifest massive bolts of lightning to be launched as projectiles in place of arrows. The property of each bolt is both physical and magical, and thus will still affect targets with the highest levels of Magic Resistance. In addition, the projectiles will track down their targets, though this is often not necessary as the lightning’s speed is near instantaneous. Multiple bolts can be launched simultaneously or in rapid succession of one another in order to create a divine thunderstorm.

I guess if you're going to make an Archer Temujin you may as well go full OP with the Archerness of it. I like the imagery and the writing style, but I question a Rank A lightning bow that is basically ridiculous good at everything it does, right down to shitting on MR. Seems big. Seems powerful. Eh, with the tone of the sheet you're going for it is probably warranted, so hey. I'm sure this will be his most OP Noble Phantasm, so I have nothing to worry about for the rest of it, right? Yeah, cool.

Chinggis Khan – The Greatest Ruler (EX) – Anti-Army

The army of the Great Khan was not the biggest the world had ever seen, but it was the most effective. In almost every engagement Temujin had fought in, his army was outnumbered at least 4 to 1. Yet, in spite of these odds, Temujin had won every military engagement he had participated in in his life through the use of sheer tactics, ingenuity, and discipline. He controlled the most well trained and professional army the world had ever seen.

The loyalty of his army was unfaltering, as he had lead them through countless battles and won each one no matter the odds. While it is normally impossible for a servant to summon other servants, it is possible for Temujin.

Because the world still recognizes Temujin as its King, it permits Temujin to use any location on land as his own workshop territory, and so Temujin can summon those who had rode with him as his own servants. The world also helps support the prana cost of each summon, although the maintenance of each servant must be done by Temujin personally, as he is their Master. Though Temujin can continuously take the world’s prana into himself and indefinitely support each servant he summons, his personal prana capacity limits the numbers of the servants he can maintain at once. Temujin thus summons his servants in small armies of his most elite cavalry, to outflank and outmaneuver the enemy as opposed to outright overpowering them. Many of his preferred servants are heroic spirits much like himself, albeit none as outright powerful as the King.

When a servant summoned this way is killed, Temujin’s prana receives a backlash, thus disabling the portion he used to maintain that servant for at least 6 hours. Thus, he must be careful with how he deploys his men, as he cannot simply replace his servants each time they are lost.

I assume you are either ignoring Volga Bulgaria's victory at the very least, or referring only to battles that Chinggis himself participated in, which seems slightly disingenuous to me, given that in later life the majority of his war strategy was left to others to devise and handle. In any case,a summoning Phantasm, yay! That is unexpected of a conqueror, right? To be honest, I don't care for this Phantasm at all. "The World still thinks I am its King and so it gives me unlimited prana anywhere I happen to be and so I just summon additional Servants lololol" is kind of silly, in my opinion. Iskandar gets away with it due to being the first (and only canon) Servant to do so, and also because of the whole "Oceanus is in the hearts of all my men" thing, which I feel is much more interesting and inspiring than "The World loves the shit out of me". Eh, I'm just not a fan of this, sorry.

Tengri uur Tseerlel – Scourge of the Sky God (EX) – Anti-Nation

Temujin’s ultimate Noble Phantasm is a law made by his undying dream to unite the world with a common law; to create a good and just world without sin. Thus, in order to destroy the evil he saw in the world, he turned himself into the instrument to purge evil. If it can be summarized in one of the King’s quotes, it would be as he said… “I am the scourge of God. Had you not committed great sins, God would not have brought a plague like me upon you.’

When activated, a reality marble is created in an area that will bring about all the self-perceived sins of those who the Khan deems a potential enemy that they have accumulated through their entire lives, including those that may have been forgotten. It will then prey on their sins, draining them of not only their prana but also of their physical strength. The greater in quality and quantity the sin, the greater the amount of energy drained. A normal man who recognizes he regularly commits debauchery will die instantly under the reality marble’s influence. The reality marble can then expand itself on the energy of its victims, to the point where it can affect an entire nation, if user so chooses. The reality marble also adds the drained strength and excess prana to the user’s own, and also allows user to exceed his prana capacity, but these effects only apply while the reality marble is active. The prana capacity that can be exceeded depends on the current size of the marble. Maintaining the marble for long periods of time has a continuous strain on the user, and the larger the size of the marble, the more prana it will drain. Thus, in order to support itself for long periods of time, Temujin must continue expanding it while using victims to support it. Note that Temujin can choose to single out individuals to not be affected by the Noble Phantasm, but by default it will affect everyone in its area of effect.

In application, this Noble Phantasm has many uses that work side by side with Temujin’s other Noble Phantasms. The increased prana capacity allows him to summon more servants and maintain a larger army with his The Greatest Ruler Noble Phantasm, and can also be applied on each of his servants individually to make them more powerful. It can also increase Temujin’s physical parameters to God-like levels. The most noticeable effect, however, is that it will weaken everything that the user does not make an exception to.

Due to the high collateral damage nature of this Noble Phantasm, Temujin prefers to use his ace sparingly.

Oh, okay. So aside from an EX rank summoning Phantasm he also gets a Reality Marble. I assume this is because the world loves him, right? Oh, wait, no, it's due to his undying dream of a common law. Okay, well that's at least a bit more Reality Marble-y, but I honestly doubt his inner world would be so stringently Common Law and that he'd have had the time to develop and nurture his inner world. I mean, you're talking about him obsessing over Common Law to a level akin to EMIYA and his sword fetish.

Aside from the mechanical quibbles I like the idea of the first half of the function, less so the second half. Draining others of their prana based on their self-recognised sins is cool, though he seems hypocritical to establish an Inner World of Common Law which isn't common enough to apply to specific people he chooses. But that's a quibble on the flavour, since it'd be basically worthless if he recognised everyone's sins, including his own. The prana and strength drain I like. The idea that other people's recognition of their sins gives him greater strength is something I do not like. Temujin has already brought down the scourge of the sky god by his prana draining field, which is able to both expand and kill a normal person easily. I have no objections to the idea of the field feeding itself, sort of seems like an expanding Wrath of God thing, which is neat, but using it as a booster to Temujin's own stats or other Phantasms feels both needless and (to me personally) against the spirit of the whole thing as well as a way to mechanically game him into an even stronger Servant.

Overall I don't mind the concepts you have with your Temujin, potentially not even his level of power so much, it's how you've framed it both mechanically and in flavour that I dislike.

TAXMA URUPA
Class: Rider

Strength C
Endurance C
Agility B
Magic A
Luck B
Noble Phantasm A+

Oh man, Tahmuras, I love this guy. I don't know if I've seen your previous version of him, but a serious version of the kickass King of Pure Goodness strikes me as a killer idea.

Class Skills:
* Magic Resistance: Grants protection against magical effects.

A – Cancel spells of A-rank or below. In practice, the Servant is untouchable to modern magi.

* Riding: Expertise to ride animals and vehicles.

A+ – Creatures on the level of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast can be used as mounts. However, that does not apply to members of the Dragon Kind.

Personal Skills:
* Beacon of Mankind: The ability to educate, nurture, lead and guide the lesser, given to the founding fathers whose deeds led to the formation of organized cultures and civilizations.

B – The Servant may gift those under his aegis with the benefit of a Skill up to rank C, and he may imbue different Skills on different subjects. Skills that are themselves equivalent to multiple Skills (Imperial Privilege, Voyager of the Storm, Expert of Many Specializations) cannot be granted in this manner.

* Flawlessness of Self: Absolute integrity of body, mind and soul. It may be either a supreme divine gift that grants its recipient a perfection of the self, or a result of enlightenment upon achieving unity with the universe, or even the physical and spiritual manifestation of narcissistic arrogance, so powerful it rejects all distortions and manipulations.

A++ – The greatest treasure of Persian mythology; the “Glory” (xᵛarnah) granted to those blessed by Ahura Mazda with the right of kingship. Taxma Urupa is absolutely immune to any foreign supernatural effect that would manipulate or distort his body (forced shapechanging and many forms of physical interference), mind (mental interference) or soul (spiritual possession). Furthermore, he gains rank-up to Luck (already included in the stats above).

* High-Speed Divine Words: The power to activate Thaumaturgy without the use of Magic Circuits. The language of the Age of Gods, back when words played a heavy role in spellcasting. As such, it is power long lost by modern magi.

C – Line counts for all spells are halved. Single-verse spells can be cast at the speed of Single-Action spells.

Can't object to the Riding skill. He did chain up Angra Mainyu and ride it like a pony, after all. He's probably one of the greatest Riders in terms of skill out there, I'd imagine.

Beacon of Mankind and Flawlessness of Self are both very cool Personal Skills. I wish I had thought of them or something similar to them for my previous character sheets, and they both suit Rider down to a tee. Great job with these ones.

Noble Phantasm:

Aŋra Mainiiu

Sorcerous Reins of Divine Glory

Type: Anti-Army
Rank: A+
Range: 2-50
Maximum number of targets: 250 people

As a Servant Rider, Taxma Urupa’s trump card is the reproduction of his greatest feat. He may invoke a lesser manifestation of All the World’s Evil as his steed; an ink black stallion with eyes like the Void, a construct of shadow rather than a living, thinking entity. The vile steed is Angra Mainyu, and thus exists solely for the sake of the destruction of humankind and would normally accept no rider. Rather than the steed itself, the power to control it and ride it to battle is Taxma Urupa’s Noble Phantasm. Unlike Medusa’s, it is not a physical bridle, but a sorcerous binding; incomparable magic from the Age of Gods capable of making a high-rank Divine Spirit submit to the hero’s authority. As a purely conceptual Noble Phantasm, it cannot be destroyed with sheer physical force. In the legend, Angra Mainyu learned Taxma Urupa’s weak point from his wife, but the nature of that weak point is never described in the scripts. Perhaps another Heroic Spirit from the same mythos could divine it and in that way break the shah’s control over All the World’s Evil.

As the partial manifestation of a Divine Spirit of the highest rank in its source mythos, Taxma Urupa’s steed is an astoundingly powerful creature. It is a juggernaut when on the move, nigh impossible to stop with physical force and possessing of unparalleled resistance to magic. Its maximum speed under normal conditions is around three hundred kilometers per hour, charging upon everyone and everything with its powerful bulk and trampling anything in its path with mighty hooves engulfed in whips of shadow. The final trump card is the definite charging assault in which Taxma Urupa removes all limiters placed upon his vile war steed:

khṣ̌aθra paiti zem

Glorious Subjugation of All Creation

. Rider and mount sublimate their power into a calamitous charge of light and darkness at supersonic speed—the blazing bolt that surges across the earth and the skies carries both the “Holy” and “Shadow” properties. The prana cost, however, is so high Rider risks self-destruction if he uses this attack. Furthermore, the charge is limited in that it can only be done from east to west, or vice versa. Using this Noble Phantasm from any other direction is impossible.

If summoned in the Fuyuki Grail War, there is a possibility that the manifestation of Angra Mainyu is altered by the influence of the tainted Grail, becoming a gargantuan black worm instead of a warhorse. The worm is one of the physical forms of Ahriman, but that still would not explain why it would look so disturbingly similar to the Matou’s familiars.

Penis worm rides again! The imagery is amusing until you take it seriously, and then it's a man of blazing purity leashing up and riding all the world's evils. Which is just even better. I think the way you framed it, and your Noble Phantasms in general, is excellent. It makes them feel powerful whilst also being limited, and has enough side-quirks to make it feel very Nasu-ish and conceptually complex, like the whole dualistic "Holy/Shadow" thing you have going on here. Those are the best sorts of Noble Phantasms.

[Five_X]

Eh, I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to like those savage mongol barbarians.

B-but General Dialogue

[Kat]

Did he insult my ancestors?

[YeOfLittleFaith]

Great job with Taxma Urupa, Daneel. Love that sheet.

[Sherrinford]

B-but General Dialogue

Yes? What about it?

I never said I liked Gengis Khan. In any of his incarnations.

[KitsuneKo]

Oh, a Chinggis Khan profile? I'm certain that this will be a balanced and reasonable sheet :P I feel like his stats are high for a Rider, particularly Agility. That's what horses are for, damn it! Aside from dropping that and probably Strength a bit though I have no real complaints. Archers don't tend to have hight Strength in the Nasuverse for the most part, unless they're Herk of course.

Ah, and the wank begins to flow. Eye of the Mind Rank B is already enough to turn 1% chance into victory. I'm certain you didn't need to slap on an EX rank when an A or A+ rank would have sufficed here. Riding also seems stupidly high given that he's only ever been renowned for riding horses, not ridiculous Phantasmal Beasts. I'm certain any Mongol hero would have great riding skill for horses and other normal beasts, I just don't think you need to slap on a rank that allows him to ride god phoenix birds with ease.

Also, the World recognising him as its king? I love Chinggis Khan, but that statement sounds absurd even to me. There's plenty of legends of people having conquered the whole known world. Yes, he did a great job of it as a real thing, but no I doubt the actual World somehow continues to acknowledge him as its King. it sounds excessive and grandiose to me. The ability, while kind of OP as hell, seems okay. I'm always wary of unlimited prana though, even with the limitation of his capacity, especially given Rank B Mana is a pretty damn high capacity.

I guess if you're going to make an Archer Temujin you may as well go full OP with the Archerness of it. I like the imagery and the writing style, but I question a Rank A lightning bow that is basically ridiculous good at everything it does, right down to shitting on MR. Seems big. Seems powerful. Eh, with the tone of the sheet you're going for it is probably warranted, so hey. I'm sure this will be his most OP Noble Phantasm, so I have nothing to worry about for the rest of it, right? Yeah, cool.

I assume you are either ignoring Volga Bulgaria's victory at the very least, or referring only to battles that Chinggis himself participated in, which seems slightly disingenuous to me, given that in later life the majority of his war strategy was left to others to devise and handle. In any case,a summoning Phantasm, yay! That is unexpected of a conqueror, right? To be honest, I don't care for this Phantasm at all. "The World still thinks I am its King and so it gives me unlimited prana anywhere I happen to be and so I just summon additional Servants lololol" is kind of silly, in my opinion. Iskandar gets away with it due to being the first (and only canon) Servant to do so, and also because of the whole "Oceanus is in the hearts of all my men" thing, which I feel is much more interesting and inspiring than "The World loves the shit out of me". Eh, I'm just not a fan of this, sorry.

Oh, okay. So aside from an EX rank summoning Phantasm he also gets a Reality Marble. I assume this is because the world loves him, right? Oh, wait, no, it's due to his undying dream of a common law. Okay, well that's at least a bit more Reality Marble-y, but I honestly doubt his inner world would be so stringently Common Law and that he'd have had the time to develop and nurture his inner world. I mean, you're talking about him obsessing over Common Law to a level akin to EMIYA and his sword fetish.

Aside from the mechanical quibbles I like the idea of the first half of the function, less so the second half. Draining others of their prana based on their self-recognised sins is cool, though he seems hypocritical to establish an Inner World of Common Law which isn't common enough to apply to specific people he chooses. But that's a quibble on the flavour, since it'd be basically worthless if he recognised everyone's sins, including his own. The prana and strength drain I like. The idea that other people's recognition of their sins gives him greater strength is something I do not like. Temujin has already brought down the scourge of the sky god by his prana draining field, which is able to both expand and kill a normal person easily. I have no objections to the idea of the field feeding itself, sort of seems like an expanding Wrath of God thing, which is neat, but using it as a booster to Temujin's own stats or other Phantasms feels both needless and (to me personally) against the spirit of the whole thing as well as a way to mechanically game him into an even stronger Servant.

Overall I don't mind the concepts you have with your Temujin, potentially not even his level of power so much, it's how you've framed it both mechanically and in flavour that I dislike.

Thanks for the detailed review, it's pretty specific and gives me a lot of direction for where to go with the balance check for the next version.

I'll have to go into more details about the Riding A+, I suppose. Legends frame him as riding heavenly horses as opposed to normal horses, what with being the incarnation of the Sky God and all, but I didn't think I needed to include that. Also, I think I'll do as you said and lower MoTE(T) to A+, and subsequently nerf the text.

As for the NPs... I'll probably drop Chinggis Khan to A++ or so, and give it another limiting feature as opposed to it just outright summoning servants. The original concept was weaker than the one he has now, but I got lazy and also wanted to boost up his power level so yeah... Lol.

As for his ultimate NP... Eh, we'll see how that one goes

He's still going to be overpowered.

[Five_X]

Yes? What about it?

I never said I liked Gengis Khan. In any of his incarnations.

At l-least Alexander was good, r-right? ;_;

[Vagrant]

Thanks for the detailed review, it's pretty specific and gives me a lot of direction for where to go with the balance check for the next version.

I'll have to go into more details about the Riding A+, I suppose. Legends frame him as riding heavenly horses as opposed to normal horses, what with being the incarnation of the Sky God and all, but I didn't think I needed to include that. Also, I think I'll do as you said and lower MoTE(T) to A+, and subsequently nerf the text.

As for the NPs... I'll probably drop Chinggis Khan to A++ or so, and give it another limiting feature as opposed to it just outright summoning servants. The original concept was weaker than the one he has now, but I got lazy and also wanted to boost up his power level so yeah... Lol.

As for his ultimate NP... Eh, we'll see how that one goes

He's still going to be overpowered.

Out of interest, because I struggled to find any sources for it, where did you get the bits about him being a literal reincarnation of Tengri, the Great Sky God? I've seen references to him being Tengri's Scourge and even receiving dreams from Tengri directing his action, but have failed to find a source for him being a reincarnated god. The same with his horse being an actual heavenly beast. I'm surr there will be sources stating these things, they just don't seem to be a common or well-known facet of his, hence my curiosity at the sources for this.

[Petrikow]

I could imagine it being from "The Secret History of the Mongols", since it frequently incorporated many folk tales in its telling of Genghis story, though since I haven't read it myself I can only speculate.

[Sherrinford]

At l-least Alexander was good, r-right? ;_;

Yes. I'm just (heavily) biased towards Gengis Khan.