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Thread: Create-a-Servant

  1. #14941
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Medus is a cool sheet for a guy I literally never heard of before. Wasn't even aware Medea had a son that she didn't carve up upon going yandere. I like you how tied King Breaker into Medea's own NP, albeit his sounds even more powerful (can do everything hers can and much more). Also, you're right that there seems to be an utter lack of genderbent Medea fanart. Well, I guess if there's so many Saber clones around one Medea clone will hardly hurt...

    By the way, I'd still appreciate some feedback on my Icarus sheet a few posts up. Thanks.

  2. #14942
    死徒(上級)Greater Dead Apostle NekoArcDragonhound's Avatar
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    Master Eraqus, the Protector of Light (From Kingdom Hearts)
    Class: Saber
    Alignment: Orderly Good
    Armament: Keyblade

    Class Skills:
    Magic Resistance: B
    Riding: B+

    Parameters:
    STR: B
    END: C
    AGI: A
    MGI: B
    LCK: B
    Noble Phantasm: A+

    Personal Skills:
    Prana Burst (Light): B
    - His prana of light imbues his strikes not just with greater strength, but with greater speed, allowing him to deliver flurries of attacks upon the enemies.
    Eye of the Mind (True): A
    - Having traveled between worlds, fought against numerous different kinds of enemies, and survived an impossible amount of dangers, Eraqus is more than analyzing and overcoming many situations.
    Dedication of the Light: EX
    - His oath to guardianship and a protector of the light from the encroachment of darkness. Grants bonus plus modifiers to END when defending, as well as ranking up END. A secondary effect grants him the ability to deal greater damage to those who bear “darkness” or through corruption or being cloaked by it.
    Bravery: A
    - It takes more than just the ability to swing a sword to be able to face the many guise Seekers of the Darkness hides behind. It takes even more when one such Seekers is the one you call kin.
    Magic: A
    - Being a Keyblade, Eraqus’ arsenal is not limited to his blade alone, as he is also taught in the way of magic. He possesses a similar, but different kind of magic than want humans have come to known in this world for Eraqus have no need for words to use his magic. Eraqus’ personal style grants him control of all five natural elements, as well as being able to slightly modify how each of their functions when casted. However, the only element that he truly possess great mastery over is Light.

    Noble Phantasm:
    Master’s Keeper – Key of Protection: B+
    - Anti-Unit
    - A weapon said to be able to open anything and a legend that the blade certainly lives up to. While its appearance is similar to that of a greatly enlarged skeleton key and possessing no cutting edge that seems to contradict its namesake, when in the hands of a master like Eraqus, its power is immediately shown. The blade’s greatest power is the ability to open anything, physical or conceptual.

    MCS – Master Command Style – Art of the Master: A+
    - Anti-Unit
    - The three styles that has become the crowning achievement behind Eraqus’ power. Once he has engaged an opponent in battle, Eraqus will immediately begin to adjust himself based on the fighting style of the opponent. Should the opponent be of greater physical strength then he is, Eraqus will activate Critical Breaker. If the opponent is possess stronger magical abilities, Spell Drive will activate. Finally, a faster opponent will be dealt with using Cyclone Blade.
    - Critical Breaker: Ranks up Eraqus’ STR and END and grants a plus modifier to STR only. Eraqus’ style switches from quick, iado-like strikes to slower, but significantly more powerful strikes capable of shattering anything in its ways. Blocking his strikes becomes a dangerous idea unless the opponent’s strength matches that of Eraqus in this mode, as each hit of his blade becomes like falling boulders. Taking advantage of the close-range nature of this style, Eraqus will bind his opponent in chains of light before subsequently swallow and crush them. Alternatively if available, he may also make use of broken earth as make-shift meteorites, smashing the opponent before igniting the mass in a great explosion.
    - Spell Drive: Rank up MGI and grants a plus modifier. Eraqus’ style becomes a mix of spinning key strikes and he gains the ability to freely levitate. In this mode, his magical attacks are enhance, such as lightning blasts growing intensity or in numbers or ice that normally would only be spikes on the ground to grow into towering pillars. To finish his opponent in this state, Eraqus first form a large orb of prismatic lights, which he then shoots into the sky allowing it to rain spiraling columns of light upon the enemy. Of course, it is only obvious that this mode is the most prana-consuming out of the three.
    - Cyclone Blade: Grant two plus modifier to AGI. Eraqus’ style remains largely the same in this mode, although will the speed enhancement provided by this mode he is able to plummet the opponent with greater liberty. His speed become so that his movement become almost similar to teleportation, allowing to simultaneously deflect opponent’s strikes and inter-weave his own flurries of strikes. At the height of this mode, Eraqus will create multiple after-image clones of himself, after enclosing the opponent, he will begin a multiple angle assault that will led to tossing the opponent into the air, which is follow by another frenzy of strikes bent on shredding the opponent to pieces.

  3. #14943
    僕はね、ヒマワリになりたかったんだ mewarmo990's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NekoArcDragonhound View Post
    Master Eraqus, the Protector of Light (From Kingdom Hearts)
    Wrong thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by I3uster View Post
    POPULAR FICTION IS CLOSED FOR FURTHER SUBMISSIONS! PLEASE REFER TO >> THIS THREAD << IF YOU WANT TO SUBMIT A SERVANT IN THIS CATEGORY


  4. #14944
    死徒(上級)Greater Dead Apostle NekoArcDragonhound's Avatar
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    Thank you.

  5. #14945
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Since no one has commented on Icarus yet, here are my thoughts.

    The Noble Phantasms are well thought out and match her personality and lore well, but there are a few things I would tweak with the parameters and skills. Icarus has never been portrayed with any physical strength (except in Nintendo) so maybe drop it to E. For Evaporation of Sanity, make it B since Icarus' impulsiveness was what got her killed in the first place. As for Rosy Cheeked Adonis, I don't think it should be in the same level as Kidskander C is equal to Ko-Gil so I would say that is more appropriate.

  6. #14946
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Bird of Hermes View Post
    Since no one has commented on Icarus yet, here are my thoughts.

    The Noble Phantasms are well thought out and match her personality and lore well, but there are a few things I would tweak with the parameters and skills. Icarus has never been portrayed with any physical strength (except in Nintendo) so maybe drop it to E. For Evaporation of Sanity, make it B since Icarus' impulsiveness was what got her killed in the first place. As for Rosy Cheeked Adonis, I don't think it should be in the same level as Kidskander C is equal to Ko-Gil so I would say that is more appropriate.
    Thanks. Rank D Strength was just a baseline for 'low strength'. I mean, even freaking Mozart had Strength at D. (And Agility at B, but that's another issue entirely...) Since Icarus is an Archer, not a Caster or Assassin I'd feel that rank is acceptable enough.

    Evaporation Of Sanity I gave at C because there's no examples of anybody having at higher then D and given that Astolfo is already pretty reckless, I'm not sure how much farther it can affect one's personality at higher ranks. Since Icarus is so famous for the impulsiveness I might give it a higher rank just for that, though.

    Fair enough with Rosy Cheeked Adonis. That was more of a flavor Skill then anything, really. Though, are they any legends talking about young Alexander's exceptional beauty? If not, then it doesn't seem like you really need much of a justification lorewise for it at B other then "Well, x looks pretty enough..."

  7. #14947
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    Rider Cinderella.

    Dooooo it
    E x c e l l e n t

  8. #14948
    アルテミット・ワン Ultimate One asterism42's Avatar
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    NO IT'S MY IDEA YOU CAN'T HAVE IT

    Rider
    Cendrillon



    Alignment: Lawful Good
    Place of birth: France
    STR: D
    END: E
    AGI: C
    MAG: B
    LUCK: A
    NP: B

    Class Skills

    Riding (A): The ability to ride mounts. All creatures but those of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast-rank can be used as mounts. This rank is high enough to have aptitude for the Rider Class. Rider’s personal mount is the enchanted carriage that serves as part of his Noble Phantasm.

    Magic Resistance (D): Grants protection against magical effects. Differently from the Resistance effect that merely rejects Magical Energy, this ability cancels the spells altogether. This rank cancels Single-Action spells. Magic Resistance of the same degree of an amulet that rejects magical energy.

    Personal Skills

    Fairy Tale (A+): A folktale that has deeply rooted itself in tradition and is loved by people who hear it. The story of Cinderella, in one variant or another, is worldwide in scope, with a vast array of differing cultures having a variant of the tale, the Greek Rhodopis, the Chinese Ye Xian, the German Aschenputtel and the French Cendrillon being just several of many. The broad scope and wide knowledge of this story makes it a powerful one, and ensure that no matter where he is in the world, Rider receives the maximum fame boost, as well as granting a rank up to his parameters.

    Protection of the Fairies (C):
    A blessing from Elementals; the capacity to increase one's Luck in dangerous situations. Activation is limited to battlefields, where it is possible to perform feats of arms. Rider possesses this skill naturally due to his fairy godmother.

    Presence Concealment (D):
    The capacity to hide one's presence as a Servant. This rank is suitable only for spying. Due to his position as a maltreated drudge, Rider has this as a personal, rather than class skill, but can only make use of it by casting away his enchantments and clothing himself in rags.

    Animal Dialogue (C): Communication of intention with animals that don't speak a "language of words". Since it's not like the intellect of the animals improve, very complex nuances are not conveyed.

    Noble Phantasms

    L’Histoire du Cendrillon
    You Shall Go to the Ball


    (Anti-Army, B): The enchantments cast on Cendrillon by his fairy godmother, the spells that, for one night, changed him from a servant into a dashing and mysterious stranger. Rider’s mask is the medium by which this Noble Phantasm is called into being, creating a bounded field resembling late evening under a bright moon. His coach is the main weapon here, allowing him to utilise a charging attack, and using its nature as a pumpkin to ensnare people with vines. His mask possesses the power to obfuscate his identity and hiding information about him from other Masters. The horses, enchanted mice, pulling the carriage are, due to the nature of the magic placed on them, powerful Phantasmal Beast, and finally his glass shoes are in actuality crystals filled to the brim with prana, which he can use to reinforce himself.

    Carillon du Minuit
    The Spell Will End When the Clock Strikes Twelve


    (Anti-Magic, A): The other aspect of Rider’s Noble Phantasm, the limit on the enchantment, perhaps alluding to the ephemeral nature of dreams, the warning that the fairy godmother’s spell would end at midnight. As the clocks struck their twelve chimes, his coach turned back into a pumpkin, the horses turned back into mice and his clothes returned to rags. Representing the end of spells, this technique allows Rider, by channelling the twelve bells, to cause all magic in the vicinity to end at the end of the twelfth strike. All enchantments will unweave, all contracts will dissolve, and all attacks will be nullified. Rider can only use this ability once, and in doing so will break all the items from L’Histoire du Cendrillon, save his shoes, which alone remained once all the other spells had died.

    Lore
    Likes: Fairy tales
    Dislikes: His family
    Talents: Daydreaming, housework
    Natural Enemy: Stepmother

    Rider is one of the many individuals who represents the legend of Cinderella, a universal tale of a child oppressed by their father’s new bride and her children, but who, thanks to the intervention of a powerful outside force, manages to achieve the happiness they deserve.

    A hardworking but easily distracted young man who uses fantasy to escape the unpleasant nature of his day-to-day life, Rider dreams of the one who will sweep him away from his humdrum existence. Though he professes to love all things, he secretly despises his adoptive family and enjoys their brief moments of humiliation whenever they come up.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sandstorm77 View Post
    He's just putting the bone of his sword into other people until it explodes and lets out parts of him inside them.
    Quote Originally Posted by AvengerEmiya View Post
    Genderswaps are terrible, but I think I and other people would hate them less if Fate didn't keep ignoring actual heroines throughout history and folklore. Like, why bother turning Francis Drake into a woman when Ching Shih and Grace O'Malley exist?
    Quote Originally Posted by Five_X View Post
    Fate Zero is just Fate Stay Night for people who think Shirou is too girly
    Quote Originally Posted by Comun View Post
    I think Alex IV can eat Goku.

  9. #14949
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Aaaaand sniped. I was half way making her and I thought I'd check the board. And BAM rider Cinderella as a reverse genderbend. Screw it, I'll finish her tomorrow maybe. Failing which come up with another Disney rider. Probably either Captain Hook or Aladdin...

    Saltiness aside, Cendrillon is rather well made and I do like the Fairy Tale skill in particular.

  10. #14950

  11. #14951
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    Eh, can't be bothered to do Cinderella right now. I'll probably leave her for a few months. Anyway, here's a different Disney Rider.

    ----------------------------------------------------


    Class: Rider
    True Name: Aladdin 'The King of Thieves'
    Alignment: Chaotic Good
    Place of Origin: Arabia

    Strength- C
    Endurance- D
    Agility- B
    Mana- B
    Luck- A

    Height/Weight: 169cm/60kg
    Likes: Wish Granting Device
    Dislikes: Traps and liars
    Talent: Adaptability, Positivity
    Natural Enemy: The Queen of Stories

    Class Skills:
    • Magic Resistance (C) - Cancel spells with a chant below two verses. Cannot defend against Magecraft on the level of High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals.
    • Riding (A+) - Creatures on the level of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast can be used as mounts. However, that does not apply to members of the Dragon Kind.


    Personal Skills:
    • Discernment of the Poor (B-) - Insight to see through the opponent's character and attribute. Regardless of his insight and ability to see though deceit, he can still be persuaded to fight for those he knows are evil.
    • Golden Rule (A) - Measures one's fortune to acquire wealth. After taking the wealth of the magical cave and utilising the powers of the Genie, he gained untold wealth.
    • Magecraft (B) - Knowledge about modern Thaumaturgy. Though his unorthodox usage differs immensely from modern magi, his is capable of facing down modern magi with little issue.


    Noble Phantasm

    The Flying Carpet Bewitched Rug (Anti-Army) (B+) - An intrinsically made item retrieved from the magic cave the lamp resided in. Enchanted with magic, by speaking a command word known only to him, Aladdin can command it to hover and fly. It is capable of flight for an unlimited amount of time and capable of carrying an unreasonably high amount of weight at the cost of speed. However at full speed when carrying only Aladdin, it can move akin to lightning and shroud its user in a defensive aura to charge at the target. Although powerful, it is poorly suited for ground based combat.

    Despite the fact the name of Aladdin is synonymous with flying carpets, in truth he never owned one and has merely gained one via association.

    Djinn of the Lamp Master of the Universe (Unknown) (A++) - The legendary wish granting 'Genie of the Lamp'. The Djinn in question is sealed within a lamp, upon being rubbed three times, the Djinn will be released, but still bound to it. The Djinn is incredibly powerful, able to compare to the most powerful members of the Caster class. Although the legends have been embellished, the Djinn is not a true wishgranter, but merely an extraordinarily powerful spellcaster. However, the Djinn is capable of temporarily amplifying its power to levels of that of true magic - which is where the legends of wish granting originated. However the cost of the amplification greatly exhausts the Djinn, requiring it to take multiple days rest.


    Lore

    Aladdin was a young impoverished boy living on the streets in Persia. He was recruited by a sorcerer from the Maghreb, who deceived Aladdin by pretending to be his uncle. The sorcerer convinced Aladdin and his mother of his good by pretending that he would help set the family up as wealthy merchants, although Aladdin wasn't trusting his "uncle", the two naturally agreed as they despised living in squalor.

    The sorcerer's real motive was to persuade young Aladdin enter a deep and dark cave. The cave was laced with magical traps to protect its great wealth hidden within. He was sent to retrieve a magical lamp but he touched the treasure which was cursed and the cave began to collapse in on itself.

    After the sorcerer double-crossed him by snatching the lamp at the entrance, Aladdin found himself trapped in the magic cave. Fortunately, Aladdin found a magical carpet capable of flight to take him out back to his mother. Aladdin cleverly replaced the lamp with an ordinary one before the sorcerer took it and Aladdin still carried the originak lamp. When his mother tried to clean it, a powerful Djinn appears who is bound to do the bidding of the person holding the lamp.

    With the aid of the Djinn of the lamp, Aladdin became rich and powerful and marries Princess Badroulbadour, The Djinn builds Aladdin a wonderful palace for him, his mother and wife, a far more magnificent one than that of the ruler of the land himself.

    The sorcerer returns and is able to get his hands on the lamp by tricking Aladdin's wife, unaware of the lamp's importance, by offering to exchange "new lamps for old". He ordered the Djinn of the lamp to take the palace along with all its contents to his home in the Maghreb. Fortunately, Aladdin still has the carpet and travelled to the Maghreb where he recovers the lamp and kills the sorcerer in battle before returning the palace and family to its proper place.
    The sorcerer's more powerful and evil brother desired revenge for his brother by disguising himself as an old woman known for her healing powers. The princess fell for his disguise due to the intense goodness of her heart and commands the "woman" to stay in her palace in case of any illnesses. Aladdin is warned of this danger by the Djinn of the lamp and slays the imposter. Though explaining the event to his wife was rather awkward. He eventually inherited the throne and ruled the land alongside his queen.

    A good hearted man, if not mischievous, Aladdin is before anything else a survivor. Able to manage living in wretched poverty and the confinement of the cave, he is incredibly optimistic and capable of looking upon the bright side of whatever scenario. Although he had no problem stealing from others, he was not a selfish person and shared his good fortune with his family. He is also rather adaptable and able to cope in any scenario given to him.

    Despite his wealth and attaining royal status, he hold his friendship with the Djinn closer than anything else as although he started off the relationship as that of master and servant, he stepped down from his pedestal and treated him as an equal. He has knowledge and wisdom held about the grail due to his experience with "Wish Granters."

    When summoned he will likely give himself a pretentious title for others to call him like 'The Arabian Knight' and although he attained everything he wanted, he cannot resist the allure of adventure and his old passions as a former thief. He desires to steal the grail, for the sole purpose that he can.

    If he were to be summoned in the same war as Sinbad, he would feel a strange and unknowing brotherly connection with him. If he were summoned in the same war as Scheherazade The Queen of Stories, he would end up becoming subservient to her due to complicated reasons he would rather not talk about.
    Last edited by Bird of Hermes; August 4th, 2016 at 05:35 AM. Reason: Place of Origin

  12. #14952
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Servant Rider:

    True Name: Rostam

    Alignment
    : Lawful Good

    Alternate Classes: Saber, Archer

    Strength- A
    Agility- C
    Endurance- B
    Mana- D
    Luck- B
    NP- A+

    Appearance:


    Personality
    : A loyal, battle-hardy man. A devout soldier of his king and country. He enjoys battle against worthy opponents and is the kind of person who'd be happy so long as he has a sword in hand and foes in front of him. As well, he has a fondness for pastimes such as music, poetry and drinking. His wish is to undo the death of his son Sohrab whom he killed in a duel- ignorent of the latter's identity and be able to spend time with and bond with the son whom he never knew.

    Likes: his horse Rakhsh, duels, good wine
    Dislikes: jealousy, betrayal
    Talent: rescue missions
    Natural Enemy: Shaghad, 'white demons'


    Class Skills:

    Riding (A)- Ability to ride animals. At this rank, one can ride any mortal steed with a high degree of skill, but not Phantasmal or Divine Beasts.

    Magic Resistance (C/A)- Cancels spells with an incantation below two verses, being unable to cope with the likes of High Thaumaturgy or Greater Rituals. With the aid of a certain Noble Phantasm, his rank rises to A.


    Personal Skills
    :

    Beast Slayer (A)- The quick-wittedness and brute strength to defeat beasts unaided. Rider obtains a + modifier to all parameters when facing foes with monstrous blood. Rostam was famous for slaying all manner of beasts in his life as a hero, including a great white elephant as a youth and at least one dragon.

    Instinct (B)- The continuous ability to "feel" the most appropriate development(s) during a battle. At this rank, this heightened sixth sense is now close to true precognition. It reduces by half any obstacles to vision and hearing.

    Silver-Tongue (C)- Ability to talk one's way out of predicaments. When cornered by his son Sohrab who was about to take off his head, Rostam managed to convince the boy to prove his merit by facing down a lion first, giving the hero time to escape.


    Noble Phantasms
    :


    Babyr-e Bayan- Dragon-Skin Coat (B, Support): The coat that Rider wore in all his military exploits, formed of glistening emerald scales. It is not a mere fashion statement. The coat was said to possess preternatural attributes that shielded Rider from all kinds of threats such as fire, water and weapons. Its origins are unknown but one legend records it to be crafted from the skin of a marauding dragon that Rider slew on one of his adventures, thus explaining its incredible defensive attributes.

    As a Noble Phantasm, it affords protection from physical attacks, elemental attacks and conceptual attacks up to the eleventh dimension, with only those ranked A or higher standing any chance of breaking through. While wearing it, his rank in Magic Resistance is effectively boosted to A. However, this only applies to the parts of Rider's body covered by the coat. Striking a part not covered (such as his head) will bypass the Noble Phantasm's defenses altogether.

    Also, since it is not part of Rider's body, a sufficiently strong attack can shatter the coat altogether and render it unusable for the remainder of the War. Though, even when broken, any remaining pieces retain the legend of imperviousness possessed by the garment as a whole, counting as 'Sub-Noble Phantasms'.


    Rakhsh
    - Thundering Saffron Steed (A, Support, Anti-Army): Stallion of Rostam in the Persian national epic- Shahnameh. It is described as a mighty colt as strong as an elephant, as tall as a camel and as vigorous as a lion, with a mane the color of rose petals scattered across saffron ground. The only horse that Rider ever rode in life, for his immense strength and weight would crush any lesser steeds. Its every footstep is like a mountain, shaking the earth. The beast is highly intelligent, and his loyalty to Rider is legendary. No one but Rostam ever rode Rakhsh, and Rakhsh recognizes no one but Rostam as his master.

    The horse's stampeding charge is equal to an 'A' ranked Anti-Army attack, leaving a trail of illusory rose petals trailing in its wake as it rams, kicks and bites its way across the battlefield. The beautiful petals mixed with the broken, trampled bodies of Rider's enemies creates quite a striking sight, to be sure.


    Haft-Khan-e-Rostam
    - Seven Labors For The Greatest Hero (B+, Anti-Unit): A Noble Phantasm sublimating the so-called 'seven labors of Rostam' where the hero rampaged about defeating all kinds of demons and monsters to rescue his lost king Kai Kaus. It is the legend of Rostam, a hero who was said to have the body of an elephant and capable of taking down wild beasts in a single blow.

    By focusing every bit of his heroic legend into his scimitar, Rider performs a fiercesome strike unleashing all of his vast strength and Mystery into a single explosive attack. His normally inhuman strength is further enhanced for this one strike, an uncontested display of martial dominion that can bring down a rampaging white elephant- which were in Rider's time revered as high-level Divine Beasts- in a single blow. The landscape itself will tremble before the ferocity of Rider's attack.

    Though done with a sword, it is fundamentally not an attack meant to 'cut the enemy' but rather to 'annihilate the enemy with overwhelming strength'. Any defense (armor, Noble Phantasm, et cetera) below Rider's own rank in Strength will be broken through without question, regardless of conceptual power. Since it is born from his accumulated legend and not any particular weapon or feat, Rider can invoke this Noble Phantasm through any weapon, or even his bare fists if needed.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bit of a simpler sheet then usual by my standards. NPs are fairly basic (super-defense, super-attack, really good horse) without much in the way of conceptual shenanigans. His fanciest NP is definitely Haft-Khan-e-Rostam and even then, for all the flavor-text it pretty much boils down to "I hit you real hard".

    I was originally working on a Caster Joseph sheet (he of the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat) but that turned out way too complicated for now so I went with something a little easier instead. Finding a faceclaim for him was Hell so I just ended up going with artwork of the guy himself rather then anything anime since there's not many convincingly Middle-Eastern anime characters to choose from (had the same difficulties with Judah Maccabee). As always, be sure to drop by with comments and criticisms!

  13. #14953
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    You've managed to balance Babyr-e Bayan considering it's abilities so that's good. I'd consider dropping Rakhsh to either A or B+ to put it on the same level as Bucephalus for the sake of balance. At first I thought that Haft-Khan-e-Rostam seemed more suited for the Saber class but you put in enough flavour text to make it work, could he channel it through Babyr-e Bayan for a very powerful attack?

    Also, what did you think of my Aladdin sheet?

  14. #14954
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Bird of Hermes View Post
    You've managed to balance Babyr-e Bayan considering it's abilities so that's good. I'd consider dropping Rakhsh to either A or B+ to put it on the same level as Bucephalus for the sake of balance. At first I thought that Haft-Khan-e-Rostam seemed more suited for the Saber class but you put in enough flavour text to make it work, could he channel it through Babyr-e Bayan for a very powerful attack?

    Also, what did you think of my Aladdin sheet?
    Rakhsh I had as A+ to balance out the rankings given he already has one A and one B+ ranked NP.

    As for Aladdin.. he's good. I didn't have much to say about the sheet first time since it was so solid. Interesting note in Discernment Of The Poor that he 'can still be persuaded to fight for those he knows are evil'. In other words, "I know you're bad but I don't have any better options then following you". Magecraft Skill I presume is because of his genie NP? I wonder if it would be better off left as part of the NP itself (though I understand you wanted to give him three Skills). Flying carpet NP is also nice, and a bit funny (well, I mean to a Westerner the idea of a carpet flying around and ramming people is kind of intrinsically funny).

  15. #14955
    夜属 Nightkin Hakuro's Avatar
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    Well, it wasn't much in my plans to post today (or to post this Servant), but how I did this guy this morning and I got here today and found coincidently the same guy, I think it is an opportunity to post it at least for comparation.

    Rider

    Identity and Parameters
    Identity: Rostam (Per: رُستَم)
    Title: “The Bravest Holy Warrior”
    Alternative Classes: Berserker
    Gender: Male
    Alignment: Lawful Good
    Background: Rostam was the son of the mighty warrior Zal. His birth was assisted by the mythical bird Simurgh, who instructed a surgical procedure that would be known as the Caesarian section, what saved his life. Some of his earlier feats were slaying a maddened White Elephant with a mace given to him by his grandfather, Sam, and taming the powerful horse, Rakhsh, but most of his fame came from his seven labors, what can be compared with a similar task given to Heracles in Greece. He died when betrayed by his half-brother, being thrown in a pit of blades, but his last act was of shooting an arrow that killed his killer. His biggest regret was killing his own son in a war, discovering his identity only after he was already dead.
    Strength – A
    Endurance – C
    Agility – B
    Mana – C
    Luck – C
    Noble Phantasm – A++

    Weaponry: Rostam is equipped with a sword and with his mace Gorz-e Gavzar.
    Armor: Rostam possess a shield and wears his armor, Palangine.



    Skills
    Class Skills:
    Magic Resistance (C) – Grants protection against magical effects. Spells with chant below two verses does not affect Rider. Cannot defend against Magecraft on the level of High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals.
    Riding (A+) - The ability to ride mounts or to handle vehicles. Creatures on the level of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast can be used as mounts by Rider. However, that does not apply to members of the Dragon Kind.


    Personal Skills:
    Bravery (B) - The ability to negate mental interference such as pressure, confusion and fascination. Rider mental state will remain stable during combat, but he still can be slightly affected by mental interference caused by other sources.



    Noble Phantasm
    Palangina
    My Second Skin
    Barrier / C


    According to legends, Palangina is a mail that Rostam is always wearing under his clothes. Its origin is mysterious. Some say that is the skin of a leopard or tiger killed by Rostam, others say that it was the skin of a slayed Dragon. It had magical proprieties and it was immune to weapons, water and fire.


    As its legend says, Palangina is resistant to weapons, water and fire. Fire and water damage cannot affect Rider while he is wearing the mail, and even not covering his whole body, the protection is constant and he will not be burnt. Because of this effect, he cannot be drowned (but he can still asphyxiate) and while underwater, his sight will not be blurred.


    Any damage by conventional weapons will not affect him, if a spear try to pierce his skin it will fail while wearing Palangina. However Noble Phantasms of rank higher than C will bypass this effect and will wound him normally. For this Noble Phantasm, the concept of weapon is “an instrument forged with the intent of using it to inflict damage”, so, objects thrown at him like rocks, or body parts used as a weapon (like claws, tails or fangs) will affect him normally.




    Gorz-e Gavzar
    Mace of Beast Subjugation
    Anti-Unit / C++


    Gorz-e Gavzar is a mystical mace given to Rostam by his grandfather, Sam. As a kid, Rostam used it to kill a maddened White Elephant of a king that was treating the population near it. In his legend, Rostam had to slay many beasts, and his mace was always with him.


    Gorz-e Gavzar is a mace that possess the magical propriety of subjugating beasts. It is a heavy weapon that very few people would be able to hold with only one hand. Even when used against humans, Gorz-e Garvzar is still a strong weapon.


    When the target of this Noble Phantasm is a beast, an animal of any kind, a + modifier is applied to its rank, becoming a C+ weapon. However, when the target is a Phantasmal or Divine Beast, another + modifier will be applied, becoming a C++ weapon.






    Haft Khan

    The Legend of a Hero, Seven Challenges Overcome
    Support / C



    Haft Khan-e Rostam is the name given to the seven labors that Rostam had to overcome in his life. They were defeating a lion, crossing a desert, slaying a dragon, killing a demon sorceress, defeating an entire cave of demons, rescuing a king and finally defeating the powerful white demon Div-e Sepid.


    In practice, Haft Khan is the concept of “to overcome seven challenges” in the form of a Noble Phantasm. It will act protecting Rider against death. Whenever an attack would kill him, he will be spared. This effect can only be activated seven times during a Holy Grail War, and cannot be activated against the same technique. This is its primary effect of “surviving”.


    The second effect of Haft Khan is the effect of “the turning point of the battle”, when a hero overcome his imminent death and defeat his enemy. After the first effect is applied, all parameters of Rostam will instantly raise, and it will cause mental interference on his foe, lowering their stats. While the second effect is active, the technique that triggered the first effect will have its damage reduced in Rider. Haft Khan’s secondary effect will last until the end of the battle against the same enemy.





    Rakhsh
    Glorious Steed of the Brave Warrior
    Anti-Army / A


    Rakhsh is the legendary white horse of Rostam. It was the only horse that could support the weight of Rostam, as well, Rakhsh only recognize him as a master and cannot be mounted by another person. He was described to be extremely agile and also as strong as an elephant.


    Rakhsh is a powerful creature of the level of a Phantasmal Beast. It is a beautiful white horse who gallop as quickly as a lightning. By calling his name, Rider can summon him, and he will appear raging through the battlefield.


    Rakhsh cannot be mount or controlled by anyone but Rostam, and if someone tries to, he will resist and fight. Its physical strength superior than Rider’s and its speed is enough to surpass most Servants that Rider may fight.




    Simorgh Farr
    Blessings of the Heavenly Beast
    Anti-Army / A++


    Simorgh is a mythological bird or griffin of Persia. It is a wise and intelligent creature that helped Rostam’s father, Zal, many times. As well, it helped Rostam in his fight against another Persian hero, Esfandyar. Simorgh gave to Zal three of his feathers, those when burnt would be able to summon the bird.


    Simorgh Farr is one feather that Rider carries with him. It is a white plume, and when its name is evoked, will burn into bluish flames. That is the signal to Simorgh, a Divine Beast, be summoned. Simorgh is a powerful creature, superior to Rakhsh in both power and speed.


    Simorgh Farr is a Noble Phantasm of single use, and once the feather is burnt, Rider cannot obtain a new one, so the summoning of Simorgh is a trump card, and Rider will keep it for his strongest foe. Simorgh will remain materialized for as long as Rider’s master can supply him with mana, an average magus could maintain the beast for around 240 turns.

    Last edited by Hakuro; June 6th, 2016 at 09:48 PM.

  16. #14956
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Funny that we both just happened to have the same guy in mind, especially since I don't see him as particularly well-known hero in the West.

    Strength and Endurance are oddly low for a hero noted as being a physical powerhouse in his legend. Don't see why his Luck is so low either. I guess the betrayal (and accidentally killing his own son) might explain it, but still I'd say having done seven labors comparable to those of Heracles should justify a higher rank. Remember, Luck measures how much one can defy Fate, not conventional good fortune (just look at Heracles, or most Greek heroes for that matter).

    Though I suppose it's balanced out by him having a metric ton of NPs. Seriously, at this point he has only one NP less then Achilles, one of the most well-known mythical heroes across Western culture. I don't think that's terribly justified given how he's really only famous in Persia (maybe he'd have more NPs there like how Cu would have his chariot and fortress if summoned in Ireland, but even then, this is too much).

    Palangine and Rakhsh are important parts of his legend, Simorgh Farr is a creative idea so I don't recommend scrapping that one, but Haft-Khan and Gorz-e Gavzar are both rather uncreative IMO (blatant God Hand rip and mace that's more powerful against monsters). I'd say nix those two, or at least try to come up with a more original take on Haft-Khan (like I did, *cough cough*).

  17. #14957
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Bird of Hermes's Avatar
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    The Noble Phantasms and parameters balance each other out here, so I think you've made him in a similar way to Astolfo and Perseus. All I can say is maybe ditch Gorz-e Gavzar for the Beast Slayer skill. As for Haft Khan, if you're going for something akin to God Hand how about this as a concept "Will Not Lose For Seven Battles" as it suits his deeds more, isn't divine and not as overpowered as it sounds (Victory=/=Surviving)

    Additionally, I've realised I have posted very few archers. I need to rectify this.

  18. #14958
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Bird of Hermes View Post
    The Noble Phantasms and parameters balance each other out here, so I think you've made him in a similar way to Astolfo and Perseus. All I can say is maybe ditch Gorz-e Gavzar for the Beast Slayer skill. As for Haft Khan, if you're going for something akin to God Hand how about this as a concept "Will Not Lose For Seven Battles" as it suits his deeds more, isn't divine and not as overpowered as it sounds (Victory=/=Surviving)

    Additionally, I've realised I have posted very few archers. I need to rectify this.
    I suppose. Perseus had low stats across the board as well despite being a hero much more famous then Rostam, after all (Astolfo isn't as good an example since he's just really obscure). 'Will not lose for seven battles' was pretty much the original idea for God Hand in Prototype (albeit with twelve rather then seven, obviously) but since it never showed up in canon I suppose it's fair game.

  19. #14959
    夜属 Nightkin Hakuro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Funny that we both just happened to have the same guy in mind, especially since I don't see him as particularly well-known hero in the West.

    Strength and Endurance are oddly low for a hero noted as being a physical powerhouse in his legend. Don't see why his Luck is so low either. I guess the betrayal (and accidentally killing his own son) might explain it, but still I'd say having done seven labors comparable to those of Heracles should justify a higher rank. Remember, Luck measures how much one can defy Fate, not conventional good fortune (just look at Heracles, or most Greek heroes for that matter).

    Though I suppose it's balanced out by him having a metric ton of NPs. Seriously, at this point he has only one NP less then Achilles, one of the most well-known mythical heroes across Western culture. I don't think that's terribly justified given how he's really only famous in Persia (maybe he'd have more NPs there like how Cu would have his chariot and fortress if summoned in Ireland, but even then, this is too much).

    Palangine and Rakhsh are important parts of his legend, Simorgh Farr is a creative idea so I don't recommend scrapping that one, but Haft-Khan and Gorz-e Gavzar are both rather uncreative IMO (blatant God Hand rip and mace that's more powerful against monsters). I'd say nix those two, or at least try to come up with a more original take on Haft-Khan (like I did, *cough cough*).

    I'd say that your Rostam is more "orthodox" to what is his legend. Rostam is a very strong hero (physically) as yours should be. But I wanted him to be more the "Rider with tons of Noble Phantasm" like Perseus, Astolfo and Achilles, but for that I had to nerf him a bit so he wouldn't be OP.

    I don't really plan to remove NPs (as I'd lose the aspect I mentioned above). Yeah, Gorz-e Gavzar and Haft-Khan were not much creative (but it isn't like all Noble Phantasm are, a lot of swords are just Sword-Beams and that's it). I see what you did with the Haft Khan, but for my plans for him, a weak God Hand is something I need.

    I understand the critic, but I think removing his NPs and buffing his stats is the inverse of what I made him to lol. I am willing to make change on their effects/ranks tho, I just don't think I can come up with another idea of Haft Khan. Well, thank you for your feedback.

    Later today I will probably read and comment the Servant's posted after my last activity here.


    EDIT

    Quote Originally Posted by The Bird of Hermes View Post
    The Noble Phantasms and parameters balance each other out here, so I think you've made him in a similar way to Astolfo and Perseus. All I can say is maybe ditch Gorz-e Gavzar for the Beast Slayer skill. As for Haft Khan, if you're going for something akin to God Hand how about this as a concept "Will Not Lose For Seven Battles" as it suits his deeds more, isn't divine and not as overpowered as it sounds (Victory=/=Surviving)

    Additionally, I've realised I have posted very few archers. I need to rectify this.
    Yep, how I said above, I had Astolfo and Perseus in mind. I am still relutant to remove his NPs tho... (Yeah I know it isn't a good behavior for a thread like this one). I liked this new concept for Haft Khan, and I may work on it today and update Rostam later.
    Last edited by Hakuro; June 6th, 2016 at 05:41 PM.

  20. #14960
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hakuro View Post
    I'd say that your Rostam is more "orthodox" to what is his legend. Rostam is a very strong hero (physically) as yours should be. But I wanted him to be more the "Rider with tons of Noble Phantasm" like Perseus, Astolfo and Achilles, but for that I had to nerf him a bit so he wouldn't be OP.

    I don't really plan to remove NPs (as I'd lose the aspect I mentioned above). Yeah, Gorz-e Gavzar and Haft-Khan were not much creative (but it isn't like all Noble Phantasm are, a lot of swords are just Sword-Beams and that's it). I see what you did with the Haft Khan, but for my plans for him, a weak God Hand is something I need.

    I understand the critic, but I think removing his NPs and buffing his stats is the inverse of what I made him to lol. I am willing to make change on their effects/ranks tho, I just don't think I can come up with another idea of Haft Khan. Well, thank you for your feedback.

    Later today I will probably read and comment the Servant's posted after my last activity here.
    Fair enough. It's always tricky commenting on heroes that I've done myself since I'll always be comparing them to my own version. Knowing what you're going for mutes most of my initial criticisms, though I still think those two NPs I pointed out are quite generic. And really, swordbeams are not that common in the Nasuverse. The only heroes I can think of to have straightforward ones are Arthur, Mordred, Siegfried and Gawain (not counting weird ones like Ea, or SF's Saber who has a literal Excalibur for certain reasons) three of which are from Arthurian mythology and can justifiably hold a common 'theme'.

    By 'your plans for him' I presume you mean you're going to use him in a fanfic someday? I'd still suggest taking Hermes's advice for Haft-Khan though, so at least you're ripping off Proto-Heracles rather then canon Heracles. But I don't know exactly what you have in mind for the character, so I can't say for sure what's optimal...

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