Create-A-Servant 2

[SpoonyViking]

Hello

Interesting Servant! I only have a few suggestions:

Parameters - MGI and LCK seem a bit too high. I'd suggest lowering both by one Rank.

Noble Phantasm - The most interesting part of the sheet to me, but I see one big problem with it: what's stopping Eckart from just invoking the Noble Phantasm as soon as he's summoned and potentially winning the War (to say the least) right then and there? Doesn't lead to an interesting story, right? Also, other than just killing Eckart, is there any way to stop the mud? Finally, this is more of a curiosity of mine than anything, but how would this Noble Phantasm materialise in a continuity in which the Grail hadn't been tainted by Angra Mainyu (like in "Apocrypha")?

[RoydGolden]

True Name: Dietrich Eckart

Wow, this guy is freaking hardcore. It seems like you really went all-out with the Occult elements this time around. The FC is great (though kind of ironic that one of the early embodiments of Aryan supremacy would be summoned with literally black skin). Where'd you get it? Overall, he sounds like he'd an outright terrifying villain and all but sure to be the 'final boss' in any Grail War he's summoned in. His Skills goes together well to create the image of a 'dark sorcerer' and I particularly like how you combined together elements of Satanism and Christianity.

Not quite sure what to think of his NP, honestly. For one thing, it has relatively little direct relation to Dietrich's legend. While the idea of his NP giving him ties to the Holy Grail is interesting (and fits the Thule Society's obsession with it) as described now its kind of ridiculously overpowered. Gilgamesh's entire goal in Unlimited Blade Works (which took the route's entirety to accomplish) was to unleash the grail mud whereas this guy seems like he can do it any time he wants with no apparent conditions. And since it doesn't require he summon the actual Grail in order to do it, destroying the Grail in order to halt the overflow is out of the question (which mind you, is the only way the heroes managed to actually stop it in canon)

I presume the effect stops once Dietrich himself is killed but even so, given its scope there's really no reason he wouldn't activate it right at the beginning of any Grail War, then just sit back and watch as it spreads to envelope the world. I think it needs some kind of limitation to keep him from just throwing it out right off the bat. For instance, maybe calling upon grail mud takes a ton of magical energy from Dietrich and he can only normally channel comparatively small amounts of it at a time (enough to form large tides, but not outright world-threatening) until he reaches the Greater Grail itself.

That way it'd still be powerful, but he'd actually have a need to fight in the Grail War. Just my thoughts.

- - - Updated - - -

And it seems Spoony just about ninja'ed everything I said regarding his NP (and in many fewer words, too). Oh well, at least this way I can provide a corroborating opinion.

[Gallereon]

Here is my redone Luís de Camões sheet and I have to say I am pretty satisfied with the added bits I gave him and overall, I think he´s a much better character now. I also tried to make most explanations as clear and simple as possible.
Again, all criticism (both good and bad) are welcome and please let me know how I can improve.

Servant Caster:

Parameters

(Best picture I could find. Not many one eyed good looking anime characters out there, unfortunately. However, that´s not to say I dont like it, the melancholic feeling it gives fits particularly well.)



True Name: Luís Vaz de Camões
Class: Caster
Other Classes: Saber; Berserker
Gender: Male
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Atribute: Man
Likes: Glory; Arts; Good Kings; Women
Dislikes: Corruption; Debt; People that give up easily; Women

STH: C
END: D
AGI: C
MGK: D++
LCK: E
NP: A

Equipment:
When summoned has a caster, he will come equipped with a book of the Lusiads (that he always carries around) and a sword with no special properties that helps him fight against most enemies defensively.

Class Skills:
Territory Creation: (D+)
The skill to build a special terrain that is advantageous to oneself as a magus. Since he wasn´t a magus, his abilities as a normal caster are quite limited making the creation of territory extremely difficult and even if he creates a territory suitable to him, any vantages he may gain are quite limited. However, he does seem to have a knack for changing the locations of his territory on the spot, perhaps a sign of how much he traveled when he was alive.

Item Creation: (-)
A skill in manufacturing magical items. This skill has been replaced by his Noble Phantasm "The Lusiads".


Personal Skills:
Curse of Impossible Love: (A+)
The horrible curse that Camões carries that makes sure that no matter what happens, he will never be able to find happiness in love and that fate will always intervene to take that happiness away from him, even if he does archive it by some miracle. Temporally raises Camões luck to "B" whenever a luck check is performed, for has long as Camões doesn´t feel something that resembles "love" for it. If Camões feels something that resembles "love", then the luck check is automatically failed.

Librarian of Stored Knowledge: (B)
An ability that makes it possible for a clear recall of knowledge from memory with a successful Luck check, even if the information perceived in the past was not consciously acknowledged at the time. In his epic, "The Lusiads", and in many of his other poems and dramas Caster showed prominent knowledge in Latin, Spanish, Greek and Roman Mitology, ancient and "modern" history and classical literature. Considering how slow and difficult to obtain information like that was in those times, the amount of knowledge he possessed was incredible. If the luck check is successful he may even recognize certain heroic spirits (only works on those that belong to Greek and Roman Mitology) on sight.

Nationalism: (B-)
A skill that represents one´s blind love towards one´s country to the point where it might begin to disturb their views and mentally and may even, given enough time, begin developing into some type of curse or mental illness. Despite loving its country, the absolute hatred Camões feels towards the corruption within his country keeps him from becoming completely devoted to the point of insanity, with the unfortunate effect of lowering this skill´s strength. As a skill, it appears as a combination of the skills "Battle Continuation: (C)" and "Determination of Steel: (C)", a combination of the sheer determination Camões needed to complete his book, despite fate never going in his favor. It also makes him immune to any mental interference if its rank is inferior to this skill´s rank.

Sebastianism: (A+)
A unique skill that reflects the aspects of Sebastianism unto the user and gives them abilities related to the legend. Camões has been granted the highest rank anyone can normally posse, due to his efforts and dedication in writing "The Lusiads", which was, in many ways, his ultimate letter of inspiration towards the Utopian-like king he saw in King Sebastian is so deeply associated with Sebastianism that he can be, in a way, be called the creator of Sebastianism. Grants the equivalent of "Magic Resistance: (B)" against fog, water, wind and electric based magic, makes him able to invade any battlefield with a intense wave of fog that lowers the enemies "Strength", "Endurance" and "Agility" stats by one and disturbs skills like "Instinct", making their use very limited or completely impossible. However, if for whatever reason, Camões is ever forced to fight in a desert, all his skills, Np´s are sealed and all his stats are reduced to "E", a grim reminder of how the glory of the young King Sebastian ended.

NP´s

The Lusiads "May our Glories Echo throughout Eternity"
Rank: (B) / Anti-unit /Range: 1 - 10 / Max Targets: 1 - 2

The culmination of Caster´s work, his masterpiece dedicated to the Portuguese people and to the utopia he wanted Portugal to become. It replicates and tells the glories of Portugal and makes it possible for the caster to create magical manuscripts that can do one time actions and spells, giving him spells and abilities that directly reference his epic or any of his many poems and dramas. Through these manuscripts give him abilities similar to that of a normal caster, most of Caster´s spells are offensive based and ill suited for any other actions and need to be prepared before any battle.
His 4 favorite spells are: a morning fog that confuses the enemy and improves any allies morale, a crashing wave of water and a heavy wind that knock enemies back and a flame that erupts from within his body burning anyone in a close range.

Adamastor "Monster at the End of the Storm"
Rank: (A) / Anti-army & Anti-Riding / Range: 1- 150 / Max Targets: 200

The Monster that protected the "Cape of Storms" (Later renamed "Cape of Good Hope" after Vasco da Gama passed it) and that Vasco da Gama fought in "The Lusiads". A giant from Greek mitology, son of Gaia, that rebelled against Zeus. In the Lusiads he appears as a gigantic monster made of raging water, massive winds and lighting (the elements of a storm) that destroys anyone that tries to pass "the Cape of Storms" or gets near the general area.
His defeat at the hands of Vasco da Gama represents the audacity of the sailors, the triumph of Portugal and the danger of maritime travels and nature. Since he represents nature´s fury, he will have a great bonus against anyone with riding or any heroic spirit that traveled a lot in their legends, however, his rank and power will be severely reduced if he fights against anyone with high "charisma", "Voyager of the Storm" or "Pioneer of the Stars" ranks.
A summoning of this magnitude is somewhat outside Caster´s level and his mobility and combat effectiveness is severely reduced when this Noble Phantasm is active.

Lore

Luís Vaz de Camões, Portugal greatest poet. His mastery is sometimes compared to his more famous counterparts like Shakespeare, Virgil and Dante. The influence of his greatest work, "The Lusiads", in Portuguese culture was so great that many even came to call it the "Language of Camões".


Through details about his childhood are widely unknown, we do know that he lived a semi-privileged life and was educated by his uncle, Bento de Camões, and that he frequently had access to exclusive literature, including classical Greek, Roman and Latin works, read Latin, Italian and wrote poetry in Spanish. Camões was a romantic and a idealist, through he was often unlucky with women he fell in love with (It was either a prohibited love, they unfortunately died or left, or he simple never worked up the courage to actually confess, poor guy).


He later joined the militia in Ceuta and lost his right eye in a battle with the Moors. After returning to Lisbon, a changed man, he got into a severe fight with a member of the Royal Stables and was later sent to Goa in order to serve for 3 years and to pay for the 4000 réis fine.
In Goa, he was imprisoned several times for debt and studied the local customs and mastered local geography and history and started writing "The Lusiads". At the end of his obligatory service, he became Chief Warrant Officer in Macau, but was later charged for misappropriations and had to return to Goa to respond in tribunal.


During his return journey, he almost died and lost his chinese lover in a shipwreck, but legend has it that he managed to return ashore with the manuscript of the unfinished epic in his hands and was rescued months later.


After returning to Portugal, he published "The Lusiads" in 1572, for which he was rewarded with a small royal pension. However, the next few years were filled with misery and debt after learning of the appalling defeat and disapearence of King Sebastian (he kinda worshiped him, in fact, various parts of "The Lusiads" were dedicated to King Sebastian himself). After King Sebastian´s death, Camões fell very ill and would later die in 1580, poor, sick, in misery and abandoned by all but his closest friends.


In the HGW, Caster will present himself as a similarly calm and anti-social one-eyed scholar that loves to learn history and mitology, however, deep inside, there is nothing caster desires more than glory and adventure. He will always show great respect to great kings and towards people that have accomplished great feats during their lives, but will absolutely despise anyone that hates the arts and may be quite harsh towards those that dont respect his values. He is also very serious when it comes to his own dreams and loves self deprecating humor.


Since he didn´t posse magic when he was alive, he will probably play around with his magic for a while before starting to take the war more seriously. He also hates corrupt people obsessed with money and people that don´t value the arts. Something he often criticized in his poems and especially in his epic, where he blames them (and the lack of ambition) for the decline of the Portuguese empire.


Upon summoning he will use/waste his master´s money on pretty much anything, through he will be wary around women do to past circumstances.
His wish to holy grail wouldn´t be a 2nd life or better fortune, he never liked his own life in the first place, rather he would prefer something like being able to see his king archive success, like he wished, once upon a time.

[Adlet]

@everyone. Aight, I put up three more paragraphs into his NP description to clarify it's specifications a bit. Tell me if that's still too OP and if I should put any more limitations. Also I lowered his LCK and MAN stats by one rank as per Spoony's advice.

@Royd. I took both the Hitler and Eckart faceclaims from this VN: https://vndb.org/v16131. Funnily enough, the author of that VN also made another VN in which one of the main villains is based off on an important Nazi figure.

Anyway, remaking Hitler next. Going to give some more limitations to his NPs, Cult of Personality and change up/spice up the descriptions of his skills + NP.

[Alexcoene]

Class: Lancer
Alternates Classes: Saber, Berserker
True Name: Saul "Fallen King Of Israel"
Alignment: Neutral Evil
Likes: Being King, Tauting David
Dislikes: Those that are better than him.
Natural Enemies: David, Jonathan
Personnality:
Once, Lancer was a great king, winning many victories and loved by his subjects. Now, he is just a shadow of that noble man. While at first , he act like a overconfidant warrior who constantly brag about his leadership skills or his fighting abilities, this facade quickly collapse when face with someone that surpasses him in either domains or, heaven forbid, in both. Lancer will then almost instantly change into a bitter madman, constantly ranting against the unfairness of life to himself or the voice of Samuel in his head. In this state, he is obsessed with striking down the "offending party", dismissing any other concern. For him, even the war is second-plan to his own insecurities. Where David and him to meet, it would surely end in a battle to the death. All the same, he would take great joy in taunting David for the fact that he was little better than Lancer in his later actions. As a Saber, it is probable that he would be closer to the revered hero chosen by God that he was in his younger days.




Stats-
Strength- B
Endurance- C
Agility- B
Mana- D
Luck- E
NP- B

Class Skills-

Magic Resistance- D
Cancels single-actions spells. Protection at the same level of a amulet that rejects magical energy.

Personnal Skills-

Agonist Disorder- A
A mental sickness that is often confused for demonic possesion. It impede the ability to regulate one's own emotion. At high rank, the body itself may be modified by it. It of course incorporate Mental Disorder at equal rank. At this rank, Strength is also permanently ranked-up. Lancer suffered from this in life and needed David to regulate it by playing music for him. It worsened greatly after he declared the musician his enemy. It has enhanced his jealousy and has almost made it his sole personnality trait. It has also caused his appearance to decay, losing the great beauty he once had.

Charisma- E
Skills that represent the servant's ability to lead and be liked by his people. At this rank, leadership skill increase, but the morales of troops decrease. While Lancer was originally a popular ruler, God's dismissal of him as a king and his tyrannical action caused by his envy and his disorder has greatly lowered this skill.

Military Tactics- D
Tactical knowledge used for large-scale battles. It gives a bonus when dealing with enemy Anti-Army Noble Phantasm. Lancer became king by leading an army composed of different tribes to victory over the Ammonites. However, his irrational attitude caused by his disorder has also decreased the rank of this skill.

Communication with The Afterlife- E
Skill given to those who communicated with the defunct to hear their advices. At this rank, it is more a curse than a blessing. Lancer continuously hears the voice of the prophet Samuel, berating him for his wicked and foolish actions and comparing him defavorably with his opponent. Generally, it only serves to further Lancer's madness, but Samuel may sometime indirectly give him useful advices. Lancer communicated with the dead prophet trough a witch's magic, but he only told the king that he would die in his next battle.

Noble Phantasm-

Invidia~ Throwing Spear of Unending jealousy

(Anti-Personal, B) This Noble Phantasm take the form of the spear that Lancer threw at David while the later as performing. By invoking it's True Name, Lancer can catalyse his envy and spread it to other. Envy, as one of the seven deadly sins, was described by chistians in the medieval era as corroding flesh and making bones rot. Accordingly, Lancer's demonic envy is very corrosive: a foe struck by the spear will see their body being disolved little-by-little until they are completely disintegrated. While this process is very slow, it can be speeded up by further strikes or by feeding on the opponent's own envy toward someone else, even if it was seemingly abandoned, while at the same time emplifying it to cloud their mind. As a side-note, it is possible that this Noble Phantasm is not simply a representation of his feats, but a translation of the ability given to him by his agonist disorder in life.

Furthermore, as Lancer's envy stem from David's higher merit as a king than him, any strike that are intended for a servant with a charisma of D or above rank will immediatly hit them. If the spear is thrown, it will change it's direction to follow them, not stopping until it touch them. However, it is vulnerable to interferance with by magical means.

[RoydGolden]

@everyone. Aight, I put up three more paragraphs into his NP description to clarify it's specifications a bit. Tell me if that's still too OP and if I should put any more limitations. Also I lowered his LCK and MAN stats by one rank as per Spoony's advice.

@Royd. I took both the Hitler and Eckart faceclaims from this VN: https://vndb.org/v16131. Funnily enough, the author of that VN also made another VN in which one of the main villains is based off on an important Nazi figure.

While I appreciate the extra flavor you added to Dietrich's NP, now it kind of runs in the opposite direction. If he can only activate it upon reaching the Greater Grail, then it seems redundant given that just making a wish on the corrupted Grail releases mud all on its own. Gilgamesh did it without needing any kind of NP or specialized ability (to be fair, he is Gilgamesh, but still). In fact, it actually sounds like a penalty more then anything since he needs to expend a ton of Mana to do what any other Servant could automatically by wishing on the Grail. Unless you're saying the NP aspect of it is that he can control the grail mud once its released (shaping it into an inn and such) rather then just passively unleashing it?

I'd recommend taking a middle approach. Have Dietrich able to summon smaller amounts of mud on his own (shaped like tendrils, waves and suchlike) but still save the world-consuming aspect to if he gets into contact with the Greater Grail. That way his NP actually does something, but still isn't incredibly overpowered.

Also, I thought that FC might've been from Dies Irae (which has a gothic Chuunibyou atmosphere and tons of references to Nazi occultism), so it's hardly surprising that it take from the same author (Light) who made that VN.

[Mcjon01]

"Light" is not an author.

[RoydGolden]

"Light" is not an author.

Oh, developer, yeah. Still, it's the same one behind Dies Irae (and a bunch of other VNs with similar atmosphere).

[Adlet]

While I appreciate the extra flavor you added to Dietrich's NP, now it kind of runs in the opposite direction. If he can only activate it upon reaching the Greater Grail, then it seems redundant given that just making a wish on the corrupted Grail releases mud all on its own. Gilgamesh did it without needing any kind of NP or specialized ability (to be fair, he is Gilgamesh, but still). In fact, it actually sounds like a penalty more then anything since he needs to expend a ton of Mana to do what any other Servant could automatically by wishing on the Grail. Unless you're saying the NP aspect of it is that he can control the grail mud once its released (shaping it into an inn and such) rather then just passively unleashing it?

I'd recommend taking a middle approach. Have Dietrich able to summon smaller amounts of mud on his own (shaped like tendrils, waves and suchlike) but still save the world-consuming aspect to if he gets into contact with the Greater Grail. That way his NP actually does something, but still isn't incredibly overpowered.

Also, I thought that FC might've been from Dies Irae (which has a gothic Chuunibyou atmosphere and tons of references to Nazi occultism), so it's hardly surprising that it take from the same author (Light) who made that VN.

Yeah, the NP aspect is his full control of it rather than just passively releasing the mud since he is making contact with Angra Mainyu that is actively aiding him in his desires. That's also why the Grail Mud isn't cursing those that are of ''Aryan'' race since he's commanding it not to. I thought I'd made that clear enough, but apparently not lol.

And as for the second paragraph, its actually what I did give him in the NP description but apparently I accidentally erased the bit where I said he can control the mud as his personal weapon. Re-adding it now.

[Kotonoha]

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stop making servant hitlers you edgelords

[Mcjon01]

Make more Nazi Servants so you can have an all Nazi Holy Grail War where all the Masters are real life Nazis and all the Servants are the Servant versions of those same Nazis but all of the Nazis have a different Nazi as their Servant and also the Servant Nazis are all lolis.

Nazi.

[Alexcoene]

So, moving aside the nazi business, does anyone has any feedback for Saul, please ?

[Adlet]

I'm not making Hitler servants because he's cute and edgy, I'm making Hitler servants because the Nazis and Hugo Boss had a fantastic fashion sense. Admit it, we've all wanted to rock that uniform at least once in our lives. Having a Grail War where everyone is rocking such a good looking uniform would be a feast for the eyes.

[RoydGolden]

I'm not making Hitler servants because he's cute and edgy, I'm making Hitler servants because the Nazis and Hugo Boss had a fantastic fashion sense. Admit it, we've all wanted to rock that uniform at least once in our lives. Having a Grail War where everyone is rocking such a good looking uniform would be a feast for the eyes.

That reminds me, have you ever thought of doing a Rommel Servant? Curious to see how you'd portray him...

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So, moving aside the nazi business, does anyone has any feedback for Saul, please ?

He's pretty cool. FC is really fitting, for one thing. I like you managed to tie in with a lesser known aspect of the Nasuverse (DDD) with his Agonist Disorder Skill. Invidia is based off the incident where he was so filled with rage and jealousy against David that he threw a spear at him, right? The way you managed to spin it off as an NP was quite creative.

[Adlet]

That reminds me, have you ever thought of doing a Rommel Servant? Curious to see how you'd portray him...

Haven't really thought of doing Rommel. I did think of doing Heydrich as a CG-type meme (he's not really summonable as a normal Servant, I think) since DI is getting a localization, but nothing past that. Only made Hitler (and Stalin...) because I think they'd be interesting additions to Fate with all the WWII myth (especially about Nazis) and whatnot + I figure he'll never really make an appearance in the actual canon because of possible backlash so w/e might as well have fun and put in all my underlying edge into the sheets.

Eckart was Wolfenstein influence tho. Blame the game.

[Alexcoene]

He's pretty cool. FC is really fitting, for one thing. I like you managed to tie in with a lesser known aspect of the Nasuverse (DDD) with his Agonist Disorder Skill. Invidia is based off the incident where he was so filled with rage and jealousy against David that he threw a spear at him, right? The way you managed to spin it off as an NP was quite creative.

Yup! I admit it, It was kinda hard to think of a NP for this guy, but when I managed to think of the general idea, the rest almost wrote itself.

[Historia]

So, considering characters like Edmond Dantès are Servants now, would it be alright to post Servants from books n' shit here or should we still use the Modern Servants thread in the fanfic subforum.

[Adlet]

So, considering characters like Edmond Dantès are Servants now, would it be alright to post Servants from books n' shit here or should we still use the Modern Servants thread in the fanfic subforum.

Book servants are perfectly applicable as far as I know. As long as they aren't entirely modern anyway. Carmilla is a book Servant too.

[Alexcoene]

So, considering characters like Edmond Dantès are Servants now, would it be alright to post Servants from books n' shit here or should we still use the Modern Servants thread in the fanfic subforum.

It has alreaby been established that you can post servant from books published before 1900 (and a bit after, if Abdul Alhazred is any indication).

Edit: Sniped.

[Bird of Hermes]

Don Quixote was a book character but he's shown up in the old thread a few times. I even made Mary Poppins and Peter Pan myself.

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Well I lost that sniping battle