This thread is hereby dedicated to whatever Fem!Gilgamesh snippets I work on, and in all likelihood I'm going to have quite a few because Fem!Gilgamesh is an indecent amount of fun. I first started Fem!Gil because lethum dared me to write Fem!Gil and Shirou go to the beach. I came up with lots and lots of ideas for that, and I will be continuing to write for that story. Given enough good ideas, I may continue to write for Fem!Gil as sequels, omakes, AUs, et cetera.
This will not be a coherent story, it will be more like a collection of story arcs. At best. If other people want to talk a crack at Fem!Gil, write and I'll give you credit in a table of contents. If you want me to write more, give me an interesting idea or give me a dare in the appropriate thread. I won't accept everything thrown my way, I have two projects I'm neglecting to continue this story, but I will definitely crank out a short snippet if I can.
Enough jibber-jabber! Let the good times roll!
A Day at the Beach
Part 1 (See below)
*Title Pending* (Gilgamesh and Saber)
Chapter 1 Part 1
Chapter 1 Part 2
Meeting Enkidu
First Impressions
Ringside Commentary
Getting To Know Each Other
Gilgamesh/Enkidu
Unusual Profanity
Gilgamesh, Rin, and Luvia
A Learning Experience
Omakes
Ikadakimasu by Old_Iron
Magical Girl Gilgamesh by Ars Poetica
Gold Things in the Gate of Babylon by Ars Poetica, DBGT crossover
Meeting of the Blondes by Hymn of Ragnarok, SM crossover
The Man Your Man Could Smell Like by Ars Poetica
One Wild Party by Ars Poetica
Delicious Distractions by eddyak, Rin/Gilgamesh
Icha Icha Kirei by Ars Poetica
Soulgaze by Hymn of Ragnarok, Dresden Files crossover
There's No Way My Older Sister Can Be This Emotionally Scarring! by Stormedge, Kotomine!Shirou
The Best Laid Plans by Zalgo Jenkins, Sekirei/FSN, Teenage!Kirei, Fem!Gil UPDATED 6/23/13
Unrelated Omakes
We don't Have a Heart~A duet between Kotomine Kirei... and Richard the Warlock by Ars Poetica
Grail Rhymes by ZidanReign
The beach was utterly empty, save for two people. One male redhead named Emiya Shirou, and one Beautiful Blonde Bombshell named Gilgamesh. The capitals were necessary, because if Gilgamesh was not the personification of the concept of a Beautiful Blonde Bombshell, then it just didn’t exist. Because Gilgamesh did exist and she was most certainly a Beautiful Blonde Bombshell, clearly Gilgamesh was the embodiment of a Beautiful Blonde Bombshell. QED. Accept no fakes or substitutes for Gilgamesh was the genuine, original article.
And she was slowly driving Shirou insane.
People say that people have different tastes. What was attractive for one may be unappealing for anything. Different strokes for different folks and all that.
Gilgamesh proved all that wrong with her mere existence.
No one mortal could possibly have such perfect curves, and even immortal spirits would be hard pressed to compete. He’d once heard her list her three sizes, only to be deafened and knocked unconscious by the simultaneous screech of feminine outrage across Japan.
It was simply impossible to not find Gilgamesh attractive. Shirou should know. He’d once harbored a preference for petite figures, but the instant he saw Gilgamesh he was all about the T&A. Delicious flat chest? What was that? He was too busy staring at Gilgamesh’s divine figure and doing his best to not make a drooling fool of himself.
An inner voice that sounded a lot like Rin reminded him that he was doing a horrible, horrible job of hiding his attraction. If his face didn’t give it away, then the tent in his swim trunks most definitely did.
What Shirou said early about her slowly driving him insane? He took it back. If he wasn’t a gibbering wreck by the end of the afternoon, he deserved to ascend to the Throne of Heroes. Her outfit alone would be the death of him. Gilgamesh might have said it was the original bikini, but Shirou wasn’t sure. He’d had a hard time concentrating on her lips at that particular moment.
It was indecent was what it was. It was a mesh of golden silk and actual gold, plus several precious gemstones. And by several he meant several dozen. The garment didn’t even seem to bind her breasts in place; it hung off them like window dressing that only just obscured the view. It was a wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen and yet it was never actually fell off, precious minerals be damned. The bottom half was no better and emphasized her utterly perfect hips. The cloth cinched around her wait just so, while delicate tassels swayed with every step that drew the eye to her rear when said wasn’t firmly attached to her breasts.
It couldn’t be just her Charisma. A+ was understating it, Shirou suspected that she had a Mystic Face, no, a Mystic Body (or at least a Mystic Rack) that compelled the observer to find her Beautiful. Or maybe her Charisma made her so attractive that it was like a curse. Then it wouldn’t be his fault for trailing after her like a lovesick puppy.
“This seems like a good spot,” Gilgamesh said, and Shirou felt his trousers tighten with every word. Some women have a bedroom voice; Gilgamesh effortlessly oozed sensuality, or she would have if oozed wasn’t such an ugly word that practically dried up in her presence. The sounds Gilgamesh made when she asked for breakfast made Shirou stiffer than the steel that was supposedly his body.
No amount of purple prose would ever be purple enough to describe her.
“R-Right!” Shirou cursed himself for the stutter even as he unloaded their gear, hers more carefully than his and not just because it was more valuable. It was hers, the King (Queen?) of Uruk. It was only natural that her possessions took precedence.
Gilgamesh’s personal brand of lunacy was catching.
She stretched her arms and Shirou’s eyes were torn from her ass to admire to complex play of her musculature. “So,” she said languidly. “We have the entire beach to ourselves. What is it you people do in this day and age on the beach?”
Shirou swallowed. “Well, there’s volleyball, but there’s also only the two of us.”
Gilgamesh snorted, and even that sounded musical to Shirou’s ears. “A pointless endeavor, since you stand no chance against me.”
Shirou agreed with considerable regret. If he could watch Gilgamesh jumping and running around in volleyball, he was pretty sure he would die a happy man.
“There’s also swimming, tanning….” Gilgamesh’s ruby eyes glared at him with disdain. “H-Hey, there’s really not very much to do with two people!” Although there was one activity that took two people that was a favorite for couples on a beach, but Shirou wasn’t anywhere near suicidal enough to suggest it. First, he still hadn’t gotten to see Gilgamesh play volleyball. Second, he didn’t think he’d live through the experience if Gilgamesh’s perfection extended to carnal activities.
Gilgamesh sighed. “Well, if you’re not up to the task of entertaining me, I suppose we can invite a few other mongrels. None of the peasants though, only interesting people.” She looked towards the ground. Shirou immediately obliged and spread out an ornate rug fit for a palace atop the sand, and Gilgamesh settled into it with a series of wiggling movements that took Shirou’s breath away.
She snapped her fingers, and a sparkling bottle appeared besides her. “Massage that into my back.” And then she untied the knot holding her top in place.
He was doomed.
--
Rin Tohsaka’s outrage knew no bounds. “That bitch!”
The Servant besides her frowned. “She certainly seems to have him wrapped around her finger.” Why oh why did his Gilgamesh have to be an egotistical maniac instead of this hottie? There was no justice in the world, Archer lamented.
“Why the hell is she wasting her time with Shirou?!”
Wait a tic, something wasn’t right. “Rin,” Archer said slowly. “I thought we were here to rescue the punk from Gilgamesh.”
Rin didn’t seem to notice. “Just look at her breasts! There’s not even a hint of a sag or stretch there!”
EMIYA squinted his eyes, and once more gave thanks for the unbelievable utility of Archer-class vision. “Wow. Okay, those are pretty spectacular. I can hardly believe they’re real.”
That was enough to tear Rin’s wandering gaze from Gilgamesh’s rack and glare at her insubordinate Servant. He wasn’t supposed to agree, he was supposed to reassure her or point out some flaw in this vision of apparent perfection. “Exactly how closely are you looking at her?”
“I don’t know, how closely are you looking?”
They stared at each other for a moment, and as one reaffixed their gaze on Gilgamesh.
“God,” Rin moaned. “If those were any perkier she’d be floating into the sky!”
“Amen to that.”
--
“You have very nice fingers,” Gilgamesh said casually as she nestled her chin into the crook of her arm.
Shirou’s smile became just a touch more strained, but his hands did not stop moving. “Really?”
Gilgamesh hummed to the affirmative. The noise sent shivers down Shirou’s spine and all the way to the tips of his toes. “Oh yes. Nice and firm, with just the right amount of roughness in your skin. Exactly what I like in a man.”
Shirou swallowed. Hard. And began to sincerely regret that he was running out of back to lather in delicate oils. Alas, it happened anyway.
She liked the touch of his fingers. And while her back was done, there were still her legs, her arms, and most importantly, her entire front. Gilgamesh slowly flipped over with a roll of her hips, and reached behind her back to secure her top. “Did you know,” she said with an impish smile, and coincidentally giving Shirou a front row to a window of cleavage. “That there is a very special place in Hell reserved for very terrible people?”
That….did not sound promising. “Oh?”
“Mmm.” She crossed her legs and leaned forward, which only emphasized her already impossibly distracting anatomy. “It is for child molesters, people who talk in theater, and lechers who covet the King’s body.” Her voice dropped into a whisper. “Without permission.”
That….left Shirou in a most uncomfortable position. On one hand, he was holding a bottle of lotion in his hand and may be received implicit consent to finish the job he started. That was a concept he could scarcely fathom. On the other hand, if he guessed wrong and she was only teasing him (all too easy to imagine), he was most likely going to be leaving this private beach that was completely free of witnesses in multiple pieces.
Shirou would not admit on pain of death that both possibilities excited him, but he might have relented if Gilgamesh had asked him. Instead he received an enigmatic smile as she prised the bottle from his fingers after several moments that felt like hours.
“I’ll be finishing this myself. Why don’t you start unpacking?” She said this as she poured another dollop into her palm and began to rub it along her toned legs.
“Right,” Shirou said just a touch too quickly. “I’ll get right on that. Very important, unpacking.”
“Yes,” Gilgamesh said with a solemnity whose sincerity Shirou couldn’t discern. “Very important indeed.” She began to smear the oil across her abdomen and climbed steadily higher. “Try not to get distracted. You might hurt yourself.”
Now that just wasn’t fair.
--
“Rin, we’re here to rescue the punk. As annoying as he is, he is not worth being distracted by Goldie.”
“Says you.”
Archer stared.
“Alright alright, let’s focus on how to get Shirou away from her without getting blown to bits in the process.” Rin pumped her fist. “Game face, ON!”
Archer coughed.
“What?”
The Servant pointed to the corner of his lip. “You’ve….got a bit of drool there.”
Rin turned scarlet and wiped it away. “This is going to be harder than I thought.”
“You don’t say.”
--
Shirou somehow managed to unpack all of their gear without damaging his person, although it was a very near thing. They had brought most of the standard beach gear, although Gilgamesh likely had her own equipment hiding somewhere in the Gate of Babylon. Most of what was brought, however, was cooking equipment.
What was not brought, apparently, was food.
--
Archer stared at Rin. “You didn’t.”
Rin smirked. “I did.”
--
“I swear, I packed enough for a feast!” Cooking for Saber had gotten him used to preparing food in bulk, and he didn’t know what Gilgamesh liked. He’d taken extra measures to be prepared for any request.
Measures that were apparently in vain. And Gilgamesh was not happy. She was pacing back and forth like an angry cat.
“I believe you,” she said tersely. “You would not be neglectful in this area. Not to this extent. Not even a scrap of food with you despite enough utensils to stock a modest kitchen? I suspect foul play. Whether it was malicious or not remains to be seen. Rest assured, when I discover the ones responsible for this…”
Gilgamesh smiled. It was not a nice smile.
“Well, they will sincerely regret it. In any case!” Just like that, her mood flipped from angry to cheery. “Punishing the impudent mongrels responsible can wait for later. We have the entire beach to ourselves for the rest of the day, and I have no intention of wasting it hungry. We’ll simply have to procure food from elsewhere.”
Shirou scratched his head. “Well, I suppose I could run off to a nearby market.”
Gilgamesh waved him off. “Why bother? We’ll just catch something for ourselves here.”
“…I’m pretty sure fishing doesn’t work that way,” Shirou said slowly. “For one thing, there are no good fish this close to shore at a beach resort.”
Gilgamesh snapped her fingers, and a golden rod appeared in her hands. “We’ll see about that.”
Shirou blinked. Anything that came out of Gilgamesh’s vaults was almost certainly legendary in some fashion. A golden fishing rod’s properties were simple to determine, even without Structural Analysis. “So…you’ll be catching our meal with that?”
“No,” she said pleasantly, and shoved it into Shirou’s hands. “You will, while I take a swim and catch something with my bare hands.”
Shirou stared.
“Don’t look at me like that. I like a good wrestling match.”
“I’ll be shocked if there’s a fish within two miles that’s thicker than your hand, let alone something to wrestle.”
Gilgamesh grinned. “Let’s just say that exploring the ocean is something of a hobby of mine and focus on catching dinner, shall we?”
--
Rin watched Gilgamesh slip into the water with undisguised glee. “Now’s our chance to snatch Shirou!”
“Well at least you’re focused on the mission again.”
“And lay a trap for Gilgamesh!”
Archer facepalmed. “I take it back.” He grabbed Rin by her ankle as she tried to get up and yanked it out from under her.
“Hey!”
“That might have worked,” Archer said testily, “If you hadn’t let them know something was up by stealing all of their food!”
Rin laughed nervously. “Um…oops?”
“Yeah. Oops,“ Archer said dryly. “I am not running half-cocked at Gilgamesh just because his, her, her back just happens to have turned for a moment. This could so easily become a trap it’s not even funny.”
“You’ve made your point,” Rin grumbled. “Well when do we grab him? Because I don’t think we’re going to get a better opportunity than this!”
“I say that if we don’t get a good enough opportunity, we let the punk go.”
Rin’s eyes went cold. “Explain. Now.”
“Their food goes missing. A very familiar Master/Servant pair tries to kidnap Shirou while Gilgamesh is away. Gilgamesh concludes it’s our fault. Correctly, I might add. What do you think she’ll do?”
“…”
“Exactly. We stay right here for now, where it’s marginally safer.”
--
Shirou yanked another salmon out of the ocean. Apparently there were fish close to shore. That or Gilgamesh’s presence arranged for all these fish to be found so conveniently nearby. Either was plausible. Reality seems very amendable to restructuring itself to suit the King of Heroes.
It was while Shirou was unhooking his latest catch that the water began to churn. He didn’t even have a line in the water, so it definitely wasn’t him. He began to take a few steps back when the water practically exploded in front of him.
“I got a big one!” Gilgamesh’s voice was giddy with delight, and Shirou wondered what she had caught that could please her so. “You don’t see many of these around anymore!”
Wiping the saltwater from his face, Shirou looked upon Gilgamesh’s latest acquisition.
“Gilgamesh,” he said with a calm he didn’t actually possess. “That’s a mermaid.”
“Yes,” she said, far too pleased with herself. “Yes it is.”
It had the upper half of a woman (a very well endowed woman, Shirou noted), and the tail of a fish. It also had a broken neck, and its eyeballs were rolling around in its head.
“So what can you make out of this?”
“I am not going to cook a woman!”
Red eyes narrowed. “Shirou,” she said slowly, dangerously. “This is not a human being. It is not a woman. I am a woman. This thing? Is not.”
Shirou sputtered. “It’s….it’s a mermaid! A maiden of the sea!”
“I rather doubt that last part.” Gilgamesh shook the body of the mermaid roughly.
“It was an innocent girl-“
Gilgamesh pried open the mermaid’s mouth. Sharp, edged teeth fit for a shark gleamed.
Shirou’s eyes widened.
“Not human. If this thing…” Gilgamesh paused. “I’m tired of referring to this as a thing. What’s a good name for a mermaid?”
Shirou stared at the mermaid’s red hair. “Ariel,” he suggested weakly.
“Oh! After that red-headed bitch convincing children everywhere that mermaid’s aren’t the soulless offspring of a siren and random fish, given existence by the collective delusions of humanity?” Gilgamesh smiled. “I approve. Ariel it is.”
Gilgamesh continued to shake Ariel violently as she held the corpse above the ground with one arm. “Ariel here is not a nice little girl trying to learn more about the wonderful world of man. This is a predator. A monster. Do not be fooled like every other idiotic man who thinks with brain between his legs, this thing would have ripped out your throat with her teeth and gnawed on you for weeks afterwards without a second thought! You don’t have a problem eating other predators, so why not this one?!”
Shirou took in a shaky breath. “Okay. So maybe she is dangerous.“
“Was,” Gilgamesh corrected. “She was dangerous. She’s quite dead now.”
“And I had almost forgotten.”
Gilgamesh shrugged. “You might have. You certainly seemed hypnotized by her breasts when you weren’t looking at mine.”
Shirou choked on his own words. “Hey! Don’t-“
“What? Say it out loud?” A teasing smile spread across Gilgamesh’s full lips. ”Please tell me you didn’t think you were being subtle about it.”
The redhead’s cheeks matched his hair. “Moving on!”
“You did!” She threw her head back and laughed. It was a full body laugh. Shirou was painfully aware of this fact. “That’s just adorable!”
“Moving on! I am not going to cut open something that looks like a human!”
Gilgamesh stopped laughing. “Now you’re just being stupid. I’ll bet a considerable portion of my treasury that if I had skinned it myself and cut it into nice, ambiguous strips of meat, you wouldn’t even have noticed. And quite possibly have not cared.” She shook her head. “This aspect of you modern humans, this revulsion of killing and consuming an animal because you’re so used to prepackaged food…..yes, I certainly don’t care for this.”
Shirou folded his arms across his chest. “Well excuse me for not wanting to get an idea of what it’d be like to butcher and prepare a human being, Your Highness.”
“You are,” she said with a tinge of irritation. “Excused, that is.” She stared at Ariel for a moment. “I don’t suppose if I cut the tail off you’d still be willing to cook it for me before rigor mortis sets in?”
“No!”
She clicked her tongue. “Fine, fine.” She threw the carcass into the surf and watched it drift away. “But you had better prepare a spectacular meal in return.”
--
“Well,” Rin said queasily. “That’s one childhood memory irrevocable ruined.”
Archer eyed Rin curiously. “Are you sure you’re not going to throw up?”
Rin shook her head. “I think I’m good.”
“Archer? Rin?”
Master and Servant turned as one, and came face to face with the Servant of the Sword.
“Why are you two hiding in shrubbery with ferns sticking out of your hair?”
“Camouflage.” Rin forced the word between her teeth as if it brought her pain. “And what are you doing here?”
Saber placed her hands against her hips. “Shirou left a note saying he would be gone for a few days, and not to worry about him. We discussed his errand before he left, but he left insufficient prepared food.”
“And you’re here because…?”
“I have no money, and need sustenance. Soon. For some reason there was a pile of delectable food left by the road, and it appears to be in perfect condition. I was hoping Shirou could drop by Fuyuki for a while to restock our larders.”
“Of course,” Rin said, as if that was perfectly reasonable explanation for appearing out of nowhere. “So Shirou actually told you where he was here?”
“No, he would not say.” On this point Saber looked particularly testy. “He seems to have forgotten that Servants can track their Masters.”
Archer snorted. “He would.”
“Well, it has been nice to see you again, but I need to find Shirou. If you will excuse me…”
“NO!” Archer and Rin both tackled Saber to the ground before she could pass the hedge and see the couple on the beach.
“What is the meaning of this?!” In a moment Saber was armored and gripping the hilt of an invisible sword.
Rin hesitated. “Umm….”
“This is a bad time,” Archer said smoothly. “You know what kids get up to on a beach.”
“No. No I do not,” Saber said calmly.
“Then let’s skip to the end of the list and just say that sex features prominently,” Archer said bluntly. “There’s a reason beach bars sell a drink called Sex on the Beach.”
That was not a satisfying answer to Saber, and her displeased was written across her face. “Do you think me some fragile maid who will fall apart at the sight of two children coupling? If you will excuse me….”
One prana burst later, and Archer and Rin were both thrown to the side as if in a gust. Saber got up and approached the shrubbery.
“I believe that I…will…”
“Nice going Archer.”
“Oh shut up.”
“No,” Saber whispered, falling to her knees. “No, this cannot be happening! It cannot be!”
Rin slid next to Saber. “Listen Saber, I know this is a shock-”
“How could he do this to me?” Saber wrapped her arms around her knees. “How could he leave me to fight for food against Taiga and Ilya while he…while he…”
“Shhh.” Rin rocked Saber back and forth. “Shh.”
“While he cooks for her!”
A pause. Rin sighed. “I really should have seen this coming.”
“You should have.” Archer was looking entirely too smug for someone with a rapidly developing black eye. “I did.”
“Is…is he marinating that salmon?!”
“Bite me.”
“Gladly,” Archer said cheekily. “Where?”
It wasn’t easy to shove your foot down someone’s throat while holding and comforting a sobbing blonde in shining (and heavy) armor, but Rin made a spirited, impressive, and above all else successful attempt.
--
“I must admit Shirou, that was the finest fish I’ve ever eaten.” She licked her chopsticks clean with a single swipe of her tongue. “In this era, at least.”
“Glad you approve!” Shirou had poured his mind and body into this meal. In part because he wanted it to be just that good, but also because he really, really wanted to distract himself from Gilgamesh’s ribbing.
Which is to say, her teasing and her anatomy. Now that any pretense of obliviousness had been ruined, she seemed to delight in distracting him whenever possible. It hadn’t ruined the meal, but that certainly wasn’t for lack of trying.
She’d even warned him that she’d punish him if he didn’t produce a satisfactorily meal. The minx.
In Shirou’s mind, a chibi-Gilgamesh ground a chibi-Shirou into the ground for his presumption. Truly, Gilgamesh’s Charisma was formidable indeed.
“In fact, I think we should have fresh seafood again tonight. Whale, I think.”
“Then we are definitely going to have to visit the market, and hope we get lucky and find a good cut.” Not that Shirou worried about that. If Gilgamesh wanted whale meat, then whatever store they stepped in was sure to have a prime cut.
“No, no. I want it fresh. There’s a section of ocean not too far out where whales and other good creatures congregate this time of year.”
Shirou raised an eyebrow. “Can you even see the shore from there?”
“No, but like I said, it’s not too far out. You should see the view from beneath the waves, down where barely any light. It’s wonderful.”
Shirou smiled. “That…does sound nice. But even if you can swim out there, I can’t. Reinforcement or not, there’s no way I’d survive the water pressure at that level.”
Gilgamesh propped herself up on her elbows, and stared at Shirou contemplatively. “Would you like to see it?”
“Well, yes. But it’s certainly not going to happen. Not today.”
Gilgamesh’s lips began to spread, while long golden locks of hair danced in the afternoon breeze. “I believe you’re forgetting something Shirou: I am the King of Uruk and greatest of Heroic Spirits. There is nothing that is not beyond my capabilities.”
“Well unless you happen to have a submarine-“
“And I do.”
Shirou stared.
“Why are you surprised? I have everything!”
--
“Well,” Archer said. “This is new.”
“That….that’s just….come on! She has a freaking submarine in that Gate of hers, and she’s taking Shirou for a joyride?!”
Saber was still busy lamenting Shirou’s betrayal. “And did you see the way he cut the meat for her and gave her the biggest slice? He always gave me that slice when he cooked for me….”
“Okay, enough of that.” Rin smacked Saber upside the head. This being a Servant, it was Rin’s hand that was hurt instead of Saber’s skull. Saber didn’t even notice. Rin grimaced and massage her bruised flesh. “Archer?”
The counter guardian reached over and walloped Saber upside the head so hard she was sent face first into the ground. Saber coughed and spat up dirt, before she turned her angry gaze upon her fellow knight. “What did you do that for?!”
“You weren’t paying any attention. You need to now.”
Rin wrapped an arm around Saber’s shoulder. “Listen, we both want Shirou away from that hussy.” Archer winced. “So we need to work together. Because of someone,” and here Rin directed a withering glare towards Archer, “We’ve already passed up a chance to snag him back.”
“It was doomed to failure.”
Rin scoffed. “I’ll bet Saber would have done it. But because we have Saber now, we have new options available to us. Everyone!” Rin leaned forward with a conspiratorial grin. “I have a plan.”
Archer peaked his head past the bushes. “Does it deal with the submarine Gilgamesh just summoned?”
“....I have a new plan!”
--
“It’s yellow.”
Gilgamesh’s right eye twitched dangerously. “It’s golden.”
“No, it’s definitely yellow.”
“Your modern eyes deceive you. It’s clearly golden.”
Shirou smiled, and began to open his mouth.
“If you start singing, I swear I will tie you up with Enkidu, attach you to one of my swords, and fire you over the gods damned horizon. If I’m feeling especially generous I might even swim out to save you before the sharks get to you.”
Despite the threat Shirou didn’t stop chuckling, though he did make an admirable effort to hide it. “I think they’d break their teeth on me.”
Gilgamesh looked pointedly at Shirou’s groin. “If you’re still thinking of me at the time they certainly will.” Grumbling to herself, she walked into the water and started to swim towards the entry hatch. “How do you even know that song? It’s not even Japanese.”
“Taiga once went on a Beatles kick when I was a kid. Guess what her favorite song was, and what verse she sang incessantly?”
Gilgamesh flipped over and began to swim backwards. “You were going to inflict that on me?” She shook her head. “I will generously ignore this attempt to inflict trauma upon your liege’s mind.”
Shirou raised an eyebrow. “You’re my liege now?”
“All that live on this Earth are my vassals. Especially you.” Gilgamesh reached above the submarine, pulled herself onboard, and swung down a yellow hatch. “Do you dispute this?”
The redhead raised his arms in surrender. “Not at all.”
“Excellent. Now hurry up and get on board.”
--
“You are sure this is legal Rin?” Saber looked slightly uncomfortable.
Rin smiled. “Don’t worry, my family owns this ship! We’ve just never used it.”
Saber still wasn’t fully convinced. “Well, the Tohsakas never struck me as one to keep a recreational ship.”
“It’s an heirloom.” Rin guided Saber towards the steering wheel. “Now, I’ll keep the ship moving forward at a steady clip with the sails. It’s your job to steer. Your Riding Rank is B, so you should be more than capable of maneuvering the yacht. With me providing wind and your navigation, we’ll follow them easily, even in the ocean!”
Saber shifted. “I am just not certain that this is the wisest course.”
Rin clapped her hands on Saber’s shoulders. “Saber. Think of what Shirou was doing with that woman!”
The blonde’s eyes grew distant, as if focusing on some distant scene. “The smells….”
“Think of how easily she has him wrapped around her finger,” Rin whispered urgently. “If we let her sink her teeth into Shirou now, we’ll never get him back!”
The Servant of the Sword stood resolute. “Yes!”
“We’re not going to let that happen!”
“Exactly!” Saber’s voice began to match Rin’s in volume.
“So what are we going to do?”
“Get Shirou back in the kitchen!”
“Atta girl!” Rin left Saber to continue pumping herself up as she stepped besides Archer. The tanned bowman smirked as she approached, and bent his head down to Rin’s level so they could whisper. “Well?”
“The owners won’t be getting up anytime soon. We’re in the clear.”
Rin began to chuckle a most sinister chuckle. “Excellent, excellent! Now then, raise the jolly roger!”
Archer’s face could be accurately described as ‘what the hell?’ “Rin,” he said. “What the hell?”
Five feet of annoyed Tohsaka glared at him. “I want,” she said slowly, “A jolly roger.”
“I heard you the first time,” Archer said, equally slowly. “Why?”
“Because it’d be awesome!”
“Ignoring that Saber’s only going to be fooled so far-“
“Rin?” Speak of the devil. “Where are the keys to the ignition?”
Rin froze. Archer tossed a pair of keys towards Saber. “Have fun.”
“I shall not enjoy myself,” Saber said gravely, “Until Shirou has been restored to his rightful place!”
“Sure, you do that,” Archer mumbled, running hand through his hair. “Mind getting this ship warmed up while I talk to Rin?”
“Of course!”
“Fantastic.” Saber walked away. “Okay, fine, she’s probably not going to notice or care while she’s hungry. Even so. We don’t have a jolly roger to fly!”
“But we do have a Faker to make one for us.”
Archer stared at Rin. Rin smiled the smile of the triumphant and self-assured in their logic.
“You know what? Forget it.” A flag wavered into existence in his hands, and Archer reeled it to the top of the mast. “Let’s just get this disaster over with.”
Tohsaka Rin watched Gilgamesh in her yellow submarine sink beneath the waves as it moved further and further from the shore. “Now it begins….men! Or, man and woman! We go forth to retrieve what is rightfully ours!”
Saber began to cheer.
Rin took one step forward, and pointed towards the horizon. “Onward brave souls, FOR BOOTY!”
“FOR BOOTY!” Saber echoed, not knowing what she was saying.
Archer leaned forward. “You are talking about Shirou, right?”
Rin backhanded Archer into the deck with a reinforced fist. “Full speed ahead!”
Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok
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