Beware of time zone differences. I know you probably won't be the first or the last to get screwed over by it
So anything about my sheet? I sound desperate here but this radio silence is freaking me out Reminds me of the time I posted Sobek...
I have yet to read it because its a hefty sheet with a lot of text. Others received no comments yet either. Thats how it goes sometimes. And its still relatively recent. Just wait and hope others who comment on all entries have something to say.
"Let's see the color of your coin, my friend."
Behold my vault of Heroes.
Where the Heavens and the Abyss breath the Music of Humanity.
The King's duty is to provide. And provide, I shall.
University of Formatting | Gallery of Potential | Memorandum of the Extra Class Kings
Our Kingdom will grow. And we shall know each citizen.
Create-a-Servant 4 soon.
So I do sound desperate. Sorry, it's just my first sheet here in a place described as "quality over quantity" and one I've spent forever making so a bit anxious.
I'll make sure to comment on it when I get around to reading these latest final entries.
Commenting is a thankless job, so appreciate it when you get some and dw if dont get them.
Thx pine btw for yours. Glad you liked my couple. I used all cheat codes to appeal to you, lol
"Let's see the color of your coin, my friend."
Behold my vault of Heroes.
Where the Heavens and the Abyss breath the Music of Humanity.
The King's duty is to provide. And provide, I shall.
University of Formatting | Gallery of Potential | Memorandum of the Extra Class Kings
Our Kingdom will grow. And we shall know each citizen.
Create-a-Servant 4 soon.
Thank you jishara. Glad at least someone liked the dialogues.
"SINUKUAN": Yo this is really fucking cool- had no idea about the legend, but growing up catholic had me learning about some similar stuff- You've got some really clean workings with the skills and NP, and I really enjoy how you used the aspect of an altered legend. When people bring in rumors, perceptions, all that into a servant, I just find it really neat. Also, Kudos for the Kojiro Comparison, that's a really succinct way of explaining it.
Sir Arthur Charles Clarke: THIS GOES HARD AS HELL DUDE! You already know I love space shit, but this? This is choice. The way you carefully sifted and selected through his stories and the concepts he brought, in order to to truly possess the spirit of that techno-futurism? Fantastic. An EASY frontrunner for me, I'm sorry I can't say more.
Player: This servant brings joy. But seriously, I love the skill composition, and I love the way you pulled in the Christmas Truce for an NP. Dunno if there's any other Player servants out there, but this is some primo shit.
Daniel Steibelt: I was gonna make a Salieri comparison stemming from the visuals and jaded musician angle, but that's a fucking disservice to what you've created here. I adore the concept of him being the sound of the forgotten, I think the skills are well-composed, and that NP? Oh that's the good shit right there. I love that as a composer, his more powerful NP is formulated into something that needs to transition into. A masterpiece isn't something that you can just whip out, it requires building, a proper goddamn leadup. Good shit mate.
Catherine Morland: Aww, what a delightful little goober- I hope she doesn't have to use that second NP, you've made me feel bad that her fantasy is just that. Still, a fantastic tweak on classical Madness Enhancement, I love the touch with the luck stat, that's the kind of thing that leads to truely magnificent scenarios in the reality of a HGW. Superb job.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: THE FUCKIN LADS- Watchers are really interesting to me, especially those that follow the SF route and lead to the creation of a hero in their master. These guys don't disappoint. A simple, comedic premise is something I really enjoy, so nice jobe with them overall. Extra points for the Ingo & Emmet concept art FC.
The Two Sisters: I kneel before Gottleib, the way you imprinted that certain degree of cheeky shittery onto her? Best Girl energy right there. Wilfred herself is wonderful as well, I like the lustful malice expressed when speaking of dragonslaying.
Love the dynamic the two of them have, and extra praise to separating their skills by color, signifying where they're sourced. I like that they have different ranks for the same skill on some, I think that's something more duo servants should have. Great NP's as well- honestly, a weird comparison, but the combat dynamic they have reminds me of Neo Destroyman from No More Heroes 2. I'm really fond of this sheet, you've made something really good here.
Cheeky shittery... Not quite what I expected people to see Gottlieb as when I wrote her but alright. Glad you liked them.
"How strange the world I live in is. A candle-lit ocean is a sad scene.
But if I were not alone..."
< ─ ⪻ ─ ⋘ ─ ⪡ - ⫷ ─ ┤├ ─ ⫸ ─ ⪢ ─ ⋙ ─ ⪼ ─ >
"Let's see the color of your coin, my friend."
Behold my vault of Heroes.
Where the Heavens and the Abyss breath the Music of Humanity.
The King's duty is to provide. And provide, I shall.
University of Formatting | Gallery of Potential | Memorandum of the Extra Class Kings
Our Kingdom will grow. And we shall know each citizen.
Create-a-Servant 4 soon.
TQG, my dude, I wrote a comment on your Alter-Ego but it's like super long and it's a lot of criticism. Not the kind of comment I'd usually post in the contest.
I'll post it if you actually want me to, though.
Anyway, I also wrote about Legendary's Arthur C. Clarke:
Spoiler:
Last edited by pinetree; August 22nd, 2022 at 10:35 PM.
Eh, thanks Pine. Honestly, I'm actually happy with the criticism you gave. Lot of the things you pointed out where things I was iffy on, so nice to see it wasn't me just being a bit overly critical. Thanks for the prompt for this one, since I don't think I'd ever have made this sheet without it. Sad I couldn't get the second one right, but I'm just happy my first go at this didn't crash and burn. And yeah, the uncorrupted sheet was a tad extra, just... wrote the whole thing out and didn't just want it to sit in the word doc, and I wasn't ever going to use it as it's own things cause of those exact same problem of a lot of similarities.
Overall, thanks. Now, time to actually comment on everything I didn't already... and re-read everything to choose where my points go.
Gaze upon the Throne of Heroes!(Servant Compendium)
St. Jane Frances de Chantal: I was prepared for some freaky, evil shit as soon as I saw the Makima faceclaim, but then- it wasn't, and I'm incredibly satisfied with the result. I think you've succeeded in your attempt for a wholesome foreigner here- through the sage personality so clearly wrought upon the text, through the wonderful combination of serene language and imagery- it just works. At least in my mind, in terms of a conveyed vibe, this very well may be one of the strongest in the contest. Additionally- really like her rationalization of her foreigner pact, how she sees it as simply another duty to carry and seal it within her.
Excellent shit mate.
Yes please! Feel free to pose it
So, I gotta start off talking about the introduction to the sheet. The initial info section just doesn’t look or read well. Three different colors representing one, or the other, or both characters, with additional modifiers on top, and character commentary, and conditional changes denoted by parentheses, and links to image references… Anyway. It’s just too much, especially because most of it isn’t relevant. I enjoy the general template of Servant sheets and I think there’s enough restriction there that it often inspires you to find creative ways to use those templates in favor of one’s storytelling and make up for the lack of an actual story Servants would usually feature in.
That said, Titles, Alignment, Place of Origin, etc is still just a bunch of basic information that doesn’t really affect the character in any way (unless you make it affect them), and immediately dedicating so much space and editing effort to it boggles down the reading experience. And the fault here really is with the editing. Information could be summarized, font could be smaller, sections could be organized in tables to minimize the space used, etc. That’s all before tackling the actual writing there.
I know I’m starting off saying a lot about a section I myself called unimportant, but I think the first impression of a sheet and the visual of the post are important enough to warrant pointing out.
Anyway, moving onto the skills. I like the selection of Class Skills, but being the FGO-format hater that I am, I still think it could’ve been improved. I see no reason to mention Riding here if it’s already being represented by a personal skill, I’d expect this if it was regular knight class, but it’s not like Alter-Ego have specific Class Skills you have to deal with one way or another. High-Servant's description is too specific, there’s no need to mention how each component affects them mechanically here when you could mention it briefly in the description of each skill instead.(Also Core of the Goddess is a personal skill fgooooo)
Personal skills are fine, but six of them is just too much. Four should be the max for 99% of Servants. Having so many of them, in addition to the Class Skill list (which is bloated as should be expected of Alter-Egos nowadays) just makes me question the decision to make them a High-Servant at all. It comes off as a decision made purely for powerlevel purposes, which I don’t appreciate.
I know you’re fusing two characters here, and that the skills have root in each of them before being influenced by the divine components, but just adding all of their skills into one sheet isn’t the solution to depicting two people as one Servant.
I’ll echo the “powers for powerlevel’s sake” in regards to the Noble Phantasms. The idea of using the different pelts sown together to turn into a chimaera is super cool, specially with added caveat that it is only really useful on one of them due to their story. That is already a solid concept and I don’t see a reason to shove Agrius Metamorphosis into it when it’s not even something that comes from Artemis at all! It’s just giving a sense of importance and power that feels undeserved when it has no character relevance or functional influence. It’s not even justified by the divine components you decided on.
Most of this can be applied to the second NP too. Why upgrade it? A cure-all is already a solid concept and I don’t see how upgrading it with Fraught Hades benefits the sheet narratively or functionally. You’re not adding a new interesting ability, it’s just making theirs better.
About the lore… I hate to say it’s simply too much. When you, as the writer, gives warning to the length in the middle of the sheet, then I think there’s something wrong there.
See, length by itself isn’t a problem. I’ve read longer sheets, I can take a mid-sheet fanfic. The problems are adjacent to it.
First of all, it’s bloated. There’s too much superfluous information that just boggles down the reading, even if I can see why you included some of it, but...
This, for example. I understand that you added it here to give her some personality I think. It’s a funny image that she not only drank from the holy pond, but actually swallowed mud alongside it. It makes the whole ordeal a bit more interesting.(alongside some dirt at the bottom according to her)
But we’re already 5 paragraphs into an interlude that hasn’t justified its presence yet. There’s no dialogue or narration to add real personality to their story and give you the opportunity to endear us to the two. It’s just row after row of straight descriptions. That parenthesis could’ve been a dialogue intersection in which she told us about it in her voice, or her sister says it and she complains about her ruining the epic feeling of her adventure. Anything to break up the pace and keep the reader interested.
A mostly original narrative that’s seemingly unconnected to the actual sheet or legend needs to keep the reader interested to justify interrupting your post like this. Settling into a rhythm of similarly written descriptions divided into similarly sized paragraphs telling a singularly paced story makes it monotonous.
I trust you understand this because you even do it later on, but only once and without breaking the paragraph!
I’ll be honest, I started skimming it halfway through because I simply didn’t see the point. Why extend this lore section so much for a retelling of their life that changes it drastically, while also not adding much either? The end results are basically the same. I assume your intention was to make this fairy tale into an actual epic to justify their existences as Heroic Spirits while also making them into tragic characters, but I don’t see the necessity of the first part, and the second could be achieved with just changing the end and saying resurrection isn’t possible. It would’ve been a cool twist that changes the dynamic of the story due to pre-established rules of the Fate setting.
The idea remains but is lost amid the wall of text.
I like the personalities you outlined in the following section, and I think you translated them well enough into their quotes over the rest of the sheet. I also enjoy them a lot due to another Type-Moon work, but I assume you haven’t read Tsukihime, or I think a lot more would’ve been borrowed here.
That's pretty much it, I won't comment on the final scene since I didn't connect to the characters and I by time I got there, I was honestly tired of them.
Ars Quality of Life PostThe place of gathering has been determined, he is the one who compiled the brave souls
Watcher - James J. Kilroy by BnEl15
Assassin - Extinction by jishara
"Berserker" - William Henry Harrison by RoydGolden
Pretender - Backerhexe Mutter by Vance
Rider - Snow Queen's Tale by Baron Magnus
Voyager - CCCP by Drangle
Rider - Arion by Wyvern
MoonCancer - Hachiko-Xolotl by WhiteFrenzy
Shielder - O-O-O (Ozone layer) by sutaa
Archer - Michelangelo by Nuclear
Lancer - Hassan of the Blessed Fist by Vididii
Caster - Epicurus Alter by RoydGolden
"Assassin" - "Lady Mondegreen" by jishara
Rider/Assassin - Tom Thumb by Vance
Binder - Elisabetha&Johannes Hevelius by DelRey
Berserker - Unknown Soldiers by DesReploid
Caster - Bai Suzhen by Baron Magnus
Caster - "Sinukuan" by Stormbringer207
Foreigner - Arthur Charles Clarke by Legendary Hero of the Chain
Player - English Game by sutaa
Avenger - Daniel Steibelt by Morg van Destro
Berserker - Catherine Morland by NailsInYourFeet
Watcher - Rosencrantz & Guildenstern by NailsInYourFeet
Alter Ego - Gottlieb & Wilfried by TQG Imaginatorious
Binder - St. Jane Frances de Chantal by DelRey
Last edited by DelRey; October 30th, 2022 at 07:40 AM.
"Let's see the color of your coin, my friend."
Behold my vault of Heroes.
Where the Heavens and the Abyss breath the Music of Humanity.
The King's duty is to provide. And provide, I shall.
University of Formatting | Gallery of Potential | Memorandum of the Extra Class Kings
Our Kingdom will grow. And we shall know each citizen.
Create-a-Servant 4 soon.
damn, i really had no chance of making it this time. My schedule is way too packed lol
I though the prompt was right up my alley, but none of my current project fits apparently, and trying to modify them to fit the prompt feels unsatisfactory. Anyways, i was trying to come up with a Fairy Knight Mordred or something like that; maybe some day...
In any case, these submissions sure are really interesting and quite out of the norms, as expected from the prompt. Probably the most "unconventional" bunch so far.
Check out the officialTM Create-a-Servant discord server
Blindfold your eyes, so that the approaching night may strike no fear in you.
Let it not burden your soul, nor numb your strides.