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Thread: Create-A-Servant 2

  1. #15801
    神秘 Obscure Shiki-pon's Avatar
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    FC Link
    Alternate Classes: Berserker
    True Name: Níðhöggr
    Alignment: Chaotic Evil
    Origin: Norse Mythology

    Parameters:
    STR: A
    END: A
    AGI: B
    MANA: A+
    LUCK: EX
    NP: EX

    Skills
    Class Skills

    Authority of the Beast - Rank D: An Anti-Humanity Skill used as the Class Skill of the Beast class.
    Though not a great enemy of mankind, Beast is exquisitely familiar with the lowest sins of Humanity. From these sins, which exist in greater or lesser form in all humans, Beast can derive an advantage, striking towards such weaknesses. Rather than a strict boost in damage, Beast’s Authority of the Beast functions closer to something that increased critical damage.
    All humans bear flaws in their hearts - what beauties lay there to be found in all of them! And the more one denies their darkness, the more it hurts when it is brought to light…

    Independent Manifestation - Rank A+: A special Skill that permits unsupported manifestation into reality, without the necessity of energy cost or of summoning by a Master; effectively, the Skill serves as an enhanced version of Independent Action. Being that the skill holder is signified as a confirmed existence, the bearer gains a resistance towards instant-death effect attacks and attacks affected by time manipulation. The Skill is normally restricted to the Beast class, and potentially Heroic Spirits that qualify as Grand Servants.
    Beast is a being that has existed for all of time. Though its rank in this Skill was not originally so high, its devouring of the essence of the World Tree has equated it with a similar degree of existence. As long as the World remains in place, Beast is immune to attack methods using time paradoxes or instant death effects.
    Owing to my origins, one could say I am Time itself - its aspect as the destroyer. I am not a part of the wheel. I am the hand that turns the wheel.

    Personal Skills

    Nega-Worth - Rank A+: A Skill that denies the worth of actions and deeds, mocking humanity for its efforts. It locks away any and all abilities stemming from one’s deeds as long as they remain in Beast’s vicinity.
    Naturally, this is devastating to a Heroic Spirit, ascended by the worthiness of their deeds.
    Come now, what is there to strive for? Just dance to your heart’s worth, little one. You will be food for the worms in the end, and your story forgotten.

    Branch Destruction - Rank A: A Skill marking the user as a destroyer of the World Tree Yggdrasil. Both a declaration of might and a curse laid on the user.
    Beast deals additional damage to all terrestrial targets, possessing the ability to unmake the very roots of creation. In addition, his bites carry a deadly poison that afflicts targets with a damage over time effect.
    How dare that giant believe himself the destroyer of the World Tree? I had gnawed upon the tree’s roots before the first spark. Though he reduced it to ashes, it was I that swallowed its last seeds!

    Twilight Survivor - Rank -: Denotes one's status as a survivor of Ragnarök, the twilight of the gods. It affords increased resistance to instant death effects as well as providing an effect similar to Battle Continuation. One who was not killed by the end of days cannot be slain by normal means.
    Beast is one of the few creatures to survive Ragnarök unscathed.
    You think you can kill me, as you would a mortal beast? I who was in the beginning and shall be forever; the first and the last - the world itself come full circle.

    Serpent of Despair - Rank A+: A Skill similar in function to Human Observation. However, rather than simply being a method of understanding people, it functions as a mode of attack. Through observation, it is possible to pinpoint weaknesses in others, and the user’s words can be used as mental attacks towards those who have been observed.
    As a side effect of Beast’s nature, the poison of his bite allows Beast to converse with the afflicted mentally in a manner similar to telepathy.
    Ohhh… See how you struggle. But not even the combined might of your history will be enough to save you.

    Noble Phantasms

    The Ashen Breath of Malice
    Ösku Yggdrasill

    Anti-Army, Rank EX
    Beast’s Noble Phantasm and the creature’s weapon as a dragon. Though not originally a member of Dragon Kind, connotations with its appearance and purpose have given Beast the attribute necessary to attain a Dragon’s Breath. Whatever it might originally have been, Ösku Yggdrasill has been irrevocably altered by Beast’s actions. During Ragnarök, Beast had launched a final assault on the World Tree, devouring its seeds in an attempt to fulfil its self-assigned purpose as the one that tears down Yggdrasil. Once Surtr had burnt the world to ash, Beast ate the gathered dead, worthy and unworthy alike, along with the ashes of the World Tree. Coupled with the seeds that it had swallowed, the nature of Beast’s breath weapon was changed.
    Rather than a gout of flame, a tide of acid or a wave of sound, Beast’s Dragon’s Breath takes the form of a storm of ash. Born from the burning of the World Tree itself, the ash represents the unmaking of all that is, carried within the one who sought to tear down the roots of creation. Ösku Yggdrasill is not a force of destruction, only one of death. Contact with even a mote of ash steals the life away from a target, and additional hits naturally increase the strength of the effect. Beast’s breath brings death not only to its enemies, but kills the land itself, slaying all with reckless abandon. In addition to the life-draining effects of Ösku Yggdrasill, the Noble Phantasm also carries a strong chance of instant death to targeted enemies.

    Description
    Natural Enemy: Tiamat

    So, so, so, and so. It appears the end must speak of itself. Very well.

    I am
    Beast
    Níðhöggr
    , Malice-striker, Swallower of Corpses. I am the Calamity born from Joy.
    This what I have come to know of humans, having sampled the worthy and unworthy alike:
    You are all the same, equal and equally worthless. Worthless as you are, however, you are not without worth. Your worth is the joy you bring to those that see you, in your useless flailing before your cruel demise! That is the very purpose of your kind.
    And from this truth grows my love for your kind, humans.

    Regrettably, it is my very nature to shake the World’s order. Though I would’ve wished to witness you end your futile existence by your own hands, my urge to gnaw at the roots of all that is proved insurmountable. I cannot stop my self, and thus begins the march to your doom. But perhaps, in this final hour, you might prove… Nay, it is irrelevant. But in facing me, I suppose, you will at least have a chance.
    So come then, you heroes, come in all your power and glory! There is no hope in opposing the inevitable, but you creatures will attempt to do so nonetheless. So raise high your arms and entertain me for the final time.

    Triumph or perish! This is
    Humanity
    you
    at your best.

    Níðhöggr carries the principle of ‘Joy’ as an Evil of Humanity. It possesses a twisted love of humanity, for the strife and trials that humans cause for each other is a great source of entertainment. Though it is an enemy to all of humanity, only Níðhöggr’s innate malice forces it to act against the Human Order. It would much rather simply witness mankind end on its own. As it is, Níðhöggr’s natural instincts drive it to seek humanity’s destruction, despite its affection towards them. The world it would naturally create is a planet of rotting corpses, where the few survivors would eke out an existence on charnel world. Consciously, however, Níðhöggr does not desire this end. Though he does not believe he can be killed, he finds the thought of being stopped highly entertaining, and proof of humanity being deserving of the attention it has lavished upon it.
    Being the kind of creature that it is, Níðhöggr is absolutely full of itself, to the point of outright delusion, especially when it comes to the pride stemming from its legend. Any insult to it, real or perceived, is met with aggression, though rather than simply crush an offender, Níðhöggr enjoys seeing them waste away, dying a slow, cruel death. As it detests its current circumstance, Níðhöggr is prone to throwing violent tantrums when confronted over its unwillingness to actually destroy humanity. Ironically, these moments of fury then proceed to cause greater destruction. Níðhöggr also bears animosity towards the other Beast candidates, seeing them as pretenders for the position that rightfully belongs to it.
    Compared to other monsters of legend, Beasts or otherwise, Níðhöggr appears almost civil, even encouraging at times. Though this behaviour is false, existing solely for Níðhöggr to twist the knife with its malice and cruelty, it is not without the ability to appreciate things such as strength and resolve in humans and their heroes.

    Lore
    Níðhöggr was, by its own reckoning, born before the dawn of the World, spawning from the primordial Eitr, having no creator and no creation. From then on, the creature would watch the world as it grew. Eventually, as it saw and slept, the World Tree Yggdrasil grew. Taking a bite out of the great tree’s roots out of hunger and curiosity, Níðhöggr felt a tremor in the world itself. Finding the idea of bringing about the destruction of all pleasing, it made it its mission to gnaw eternally on Yggdrasil’s roots, and one day topple it. So the creature dwelt in Yggdrasil’s roots.
    So it lied, coiled around the well of Hvergelmir, from which all the waters in the world flow, and chewed on the roots of the World Tree. Its attention wavered only when it stopped to gorge itself upon the corporeal remains of the dead, and to hear the pronouncements of destiny when the volva spoke. It was often interrupted in its task by the chitterings of the squirrel Ratatosk, who delivered messages from the eagle that dwelt at Yggdrasil’s top.
    Eventually, Níðhöggr came to learn of Ragnarök, the end of days and twilight of the gods. To its consternation, the prophecies had no place for it, a fact that caused the would-be destroyer great frustration. When the end finally came, and Surtr marched upon the World Tree to burn it down, Níðhöggr made its move. Slithering up the trunk, it made its way to the furthest branches, eating the seeds that grew there, so as to prove itself the destroyer, even if the fire giant would be the one to finish the tree.
    With the fall of the Norse sphere of the Age of Gods, Níðhöggr still lived, though little else from its world could say the same. Over time, Níðhöggr, passing the days of its existence by observing humanity, drifted to the Reverse Side of the World, where all creatures of fantasy lie.

    Relationships

    Jörmungandr:Interesting to witness my… Opposite number, of sorts. As you coiled around the waters and defined the outer edge of the World, so did I coil between the well from which all water emanated, defining the World’s inner edge. Quite curious.
    Siegfried:A slayer of dragons, eh? Tell me, when that sword dulls, when your strength fails… What will you do then?
    Saint George:Your God is dead, Saint. Though I can hear your prayers… I’m afraid I will not answer them.
    Other Servants: Kill or be killed. It is all for the sake of my enjoyment.
    Other Beasts: Thieves! Usurpers! My vengeance shall be swift and brutal.
    Towards Masters: Speck. I am as far beyond Heroic Spirits as they are beyond you. But by all means - entertain me, to the last.

    Notes
    Far from my best work, but it's something.
    Not as grandiose as other Beasts, but then again it's not really supposed to be. I intended Níðhöggr to be a more subtle, venomous entity, rather than a godlike force of outright destruction.
    Last edited by Shiki-pon; August 29th, 2019 at 04:36 AM.

  2. #15802
    Wyrd oft nereð unfǽgne eorl, þonne his ellen déah... Skull's Avatar
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    Been trying to think of interesting ideas to shake off this writer's block funk and I thought of doing Astolfo's "father" for the hilarity factor of the stern serious father and the goofy whimsical kid.

    - - - Updated - - -

    ^ Oh, that's a nice Beast Servant there.
    "Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"

    (Check out my Super Special Awesome Servant Compendium here)

  3. #15803
    祖 Ancestor Dragolord09's Avatar
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    Well, what Servants are you stuck on at the moment?

  4. #15804
    Wyrd oft nereð unfǽgne eorl, þonne his ellen déah... Skull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dragolord09 View Post
    Well, what Servants are you stuck on at the moment?
    Eh, I'm not stuck on anything. Just can't muster up the motivation to start a new sheet nor finish an unfinished one.
    "Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"

    (Check out my Super Special Awesome Servant Compendium here)

  5. #15805
    後継者 Successor Bugs's Avatar
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    I'm in that boat too, which is why I'm taking sheets I've previously worked on and am attempting to expand them into a bit of a fic. It might be easier, since you're already familiar with the process that created them.

  6. #15806
    Trace: Overcringe King of Padoru's Avatar
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    That Níðhöggr was awesome. I had my doubts when I saw it being a Beast, but the way it's represented and explained is really good and makes me want to see it in action. And the dialogue fragments make it even more interesting.

    On another note, I'd want to ask for help with a Noble Phantasm for a summer Juana la Loca. There's just so little material to work with that, reflecting on it, I'm surprised I managed to pull two sheets of her

  7. #15807
    後継者 Successor Master of Chaos's Avatar
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    So, it came to my attention that I never worked with a hero from my own homeland. That is something which needs to be addressed. Thus, the sheet bellow.

    Class: Archer
    True Name: Anhanguera (Bartolomeu Bueno da Silva)
    Gender: Male
    Alignment: True Neutral
    Attribute: Man

    faceclaim


    STR: ***** D
    END: ***** B
    AGI: ***** C
    MGI: **** E+
    LCK: ** C
    NP: ** C

    Keywords
    KEYWORDS

    Bandeirantes

    A general term for the adventurers and treasure seekers that were active in Brazil around the 15th~18th century. Men who participated expeditions called "bandeiras" (‘flags’ in Portuguese; named so due the custom of the vanguard of the expedition constantly carrying a flag), which explored the New World in search of riches. Although the great majority of bandeirantes were of European heritage, individuals whose background traced back to slaves and indigenous peoples were not unknown.

    In modern times, bandeirantes are seen as controversial figures of Brazilian history. On one hand, they probably bear more responsibility for the formation of the Brazilian territory as it is known today than anyone else. Back in the early days of the colonization, the Portuguese government was limited on how deep inland it could go by means of the Treaty of Tordesillas. As such, it was up to private ventures such as the bandeiras to explore and settle the innermost territories of the continent. In a sense, they are minor nation-building heroes.

    However, looking at their deeds in an objective manner, there is very little of "heroic" about the bandeirantes. To begin with, the motivation behind their actions was merely material fortune – and they were not beneath undertaking morally questionable enterprises to attain it. While many bandeiras sought to discover reserves of mineral wealth in the wilds, some aimed at outright plundering native communities and capturing slaves. They are very similar to the Spanish conquistadores in that regard.

    ...also, the bandeirantes have another aspect that is not very well known. The wildlands of South America were isolated ecosystems (lost worlds) that knew not the touch of man and where the lingering scent of the Age of Gods still remained strong. To delve into such territory meant that one would inevitably have to confront that mystery. To be blunt, successful bandeirantes were also accomplished hunters of the supernatural.

    Psychic Ability

    Paranormal ability. A method of nature interference. The deterrence force that the species known as “humans” produced from the universal unconsciousness of people (Arayashiki); the greatest ability that humankind obtained by disregarding the principles of yin and yang and becoming independent from nature. The target of the deterrence is whatever becomes an enemy of people, as those who stand at the top of the primates.

    A function not included among those originally operated by the living being known as human, a line that induces supernatural phenomena. In other words, an ability obtained by fitting a channel that the common sense of humans does not have into the brain’s channel. Unlike magecraft, inherent talent is indispensable. In a sense, it is a type of genetic mutation limited to a single generation.


    CLASS SKILLS

    Magic Resistance: D
    The capacity to negate or abate the effects of magecraft. Negates magecraft employed by means of single action. About the degree of an amulet that repels magic power. In case of a magus that possesses a somewhat strong ability, it is possible to easily breakthrough this.

    Independent Action: C
    The ability to take action even without the prana supply from the Master. Convenient in cases like when the Master wants to activate a magecraft that calls up maximum prana or when he cannot supply enough prana to the Servant. On another hand, it becomes difficult for the Master to put the Servant under his complete control. At C Rank, it is possible to remain in current world for a period of one day even after losing the Master.

    PERSONAL SKILLS

    Conquistador: C
    Meaning ‘conqueror’ in Spanish. A skill for those who, during the Age of Discovery, conquered savage lands at the end of a voyage. It indicates the tact for the invasion, rule, looting, slavery and etc. of uncivilized territory.

    Strictly speaking, he does not exactly fulfill the all requirements for this skill. However, due the similarities between the concepts of "conquistador" and "bandeirante", it was exceptionally granted to him in a limited fashion.

    Feelings Towards the Distance: B
    A distant place that might have existed someday... A vague memory from his childhood was able to sustain his quest for over 40 years.

    Golden Rule: D
    Not the golden ratio of one's body, but rather the predestination of how much cash follows around in one's life. The capacity to earn riches without making efforts; a wealth acquisition rate determined by fate. At D Rank, there is no promise of inexhaustible wealth, but one can occasionally make a fortune enough to completely turn his life around.

    Mystery Slayer: B+
    A skill that denotes a bandeirante’s aspects as a “hunter of the supernatural”. It works as a special effectiveness against mystery.

    Weapons

    Blunderbuss
    An old-fashioned firearm that possesses a short, large caliber barrel. Shooting a package of small lead pellets, it is regarded as one of the earliest prototypes of the modern shotgun. It holds tremendous power, but the fact that it is only effective at close range is definitely a weakness. Dutch in origin, it was named "donderbus" (meaning 'thunder pipe') at one point.

    As a matter of fact, this particular article originally belonged to Bartolomeu-father. It was inherited by the son once he became a full-fledged bandeirantes.

    NOBLE PHANTASM

    Labareda de Guaiás – Inextinguishable Wildfire
    Rank: C
    Type: Anti-Army
    The trump card of Heroic Spirit Anhanguera. The crystallization of one of his most famous anecdotes. A powerful flame manipulation ability, but it is not something derived from mystery・magecraft. Rather, this is a more pure human power – a phenomenon known in modern times as the psychic ability called pyrokinesis.

    Creation and control of fire by means of thought alone. Other than long range attacks by means of jets of flame, it is also possible to increase melee damage in a manner similar to the skill Prana Burst (Flames). Furthermore, this fire cannot be put out by conventional means and will continue to burn for as long as Anhanguera desires, even if there is no fuel to feed it.

    Background
    BACKGROUND

    Bartolomeu Bueno da Silva. Better known as Anhanguera. One of the most famous bandeirantes in the history of Brazil. An anti-hero who lead a life of hardships, found glory at the end of many adventures, but ultimately met a tragic end.

    Born in 1672 in what is today the city of São Paulo, Bartolomeu came from a middle-class Christian family of Jewish heritage. Described as an energetic child brimming with adventurous spirit, he began following his father – a bandeirante who shared the same name as his son – in his gold-hunting expeditions when he was only 12 years old. Bartolomeu learned from his father all the know-how of a bandeirante and eventually inherited the trade from him.

    (incidentally, given their shared name, the fact they often worked together and lack of details in related sources, the exploits of father and son around this period often get confused with each other)

    In his long career, Bartolomeu participated of many expeditions – leaving behind a number of anecdotes in his path. One of the most famous among those deals with his meeting with Guaiás tribe: at one time, while traveling through unexplored lands, Bartolomeu attempted to secure the help of the local natives for his bandeira. But despite his best efforts, they utterly refused to have any sort of contact with outsiders. Running out of patience, he showed them a fire that would burn even on water (sources differ on how exactly he achieved that, but the most popular theory is that some alchemical substance like Greek fire was employed). Seeing them panicking, he managed to coerce them into lending their assistance by threatening to burn an entire nearby river. At that occasion, the natives gave him the epithet Anhanguera (also Anangwea; meaning ‘old devil’ in the natives’ language).

    This is a digression, but some sources say that the anecdote above actually belongs to Bartolomeu-father. Afterwards, he would use the epithet Anhanguera as a trade-name of sorts, which would later be inherited by his son.

    Soldier of Fortune

    Anhanguera’s career as a bandeirante lasted for roughly four decades. During this time, he thoroughly explored the region that would later become the state of Goiás. His objective was, of course, gold. Still, he had his eyes set on a specific prize.

    The legendary Serra dos Martírios. One of the mythical “lands of gold” that supposedly existed somewhere in South America (not unlike the more famous El Dorado). Back in childhood, during the very first expedition that he shared with his father, Anhanguera caught a glimpse of that mystical place at a distance and the memory marked him for life. Upon reaching adulthood and becoming an independent bandeirantes, he devoted his entire being into finding that place.

    Going straight to the point, he failed. Anhangera never set foot on Serra dos Martírios. The memory of his childhood remained as just a memory until the end. That being said, he was fortunate enough to find a goldmine in another, completely unrelated place. Since he was well past his 50s at the time, the old devil resigned himself from his quest and decided to spend the rest of his days in quiet retirement.

    Anhanguera managed to enjoy some prosperity afterwards, but that did not last. A corrupt government official became interest in his goldmine and accused him under false charges. Although he was eventually proved innocent, the whole incident costed him ownership of the mine and much of the wealth that he had accumulated until then. He ultimately died in poverty, in the year of 1740.



    Please provide plenty of feedback. I tried to keep it modest just to be safe, but in many ways, this is a special project for me.
    Last edited by Master of Chaos; August 29th, 2019 at 06:52 PM. Reason: grammar fix

    Master of Chaos' Servant Standards

    F/GO ID: 011416057/カオス

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    Unless you're Justin Bieber, Canada didn't want him, but America refuses to claim responsibility
    Quote Originally Posted by In a certain South Park episode...
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  8. #15808
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors Kabalisto Koga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bugs View Post
    It's actually a very interesting idea from Koga, and I'd like it quite a bit if the backstory and everything was cleaned up (extension of the planet/something with the Wild Hunt, perhaps?). Right now it just reads as almost wholesale taking Pale Rider's summoning.
    That was my Intention....

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragolord09 View Post
    Well, what Servants are you stuck on at the moment?
    Well i stuck at the Moment at finding real ideas for the Great Greek philosphers :Heraclitus of Ephesus and Aristoteles aswell the founder of the new Comedy Menander has someone suggestions

    aside them am i working currently on an Miyamoto Musashi with quite solid ideas and on a Caster Ptah also with some strugling .
    Your verified Chikara-production Studios !

    Dont ship me with anyone unless i say so !

    When you wake a Dragon in his Lair...





  9. #15809
    Class: Berserker
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Alternate Classes: Saber, Rider, Assassin, Avenger
    True Name: Red Rider

    STR: A+
    AGI: A
    END: B
    MANA: A
    LUCK: C-

    Class Skills:

    Madness Enchantment: EX
    Berserker is not a true Heroic Spirit. Instead, "it" is the composition of every single warrior who died unmourned and forgotten in battle. "It" can thus be considered an imitation of humanity rather than humanity itself. As such, "its" madness is not the battle lust of most Berserkers but a calm, almost eerie peaceful demeanor, maintained even as "it" rends "its" enemies limb from limb.

    Skills:

    Destroyer of Humanity: C+

    Berserker has claimed more human lives than nearly any other force in history, and on a scale unseen. With every new battle, Berserker invents a new way to kill and destory humanity. "Its" potential to bring about humanity's downfall means that every Servant it encounters which can be considered a "normal" human will fear Berserker on sight, suffering sever mental trauma as Berserker's mere presence forces them to endure "its" thoughts, which are the memories of all those that died in war.

    Servants with a significant level of Magic Resistance or Divinity will be able to withstand this mental assault.

    Battle Continuation: A++

    Berserker is not easily controlled by human means, and even then, can change suddenly and unexpectedly. "It" never ends when one wants "it" to. When in battle, Berserker can endure a vast amount of wounds and continue to engage in battle with the enemy, displaying no sign of tiring or being affected in the least by a normally fatal wound. Even severing a limb will not reduce Berserker's combat prowess.

    Perfect Warrior (False): A+++

    "Its" experience in battle is unparalleled, with absolutely no equal. When in combat, Berserker will react to any threat with the utmost skill and display an uncanny ability to seemingly predict "its" opponents actions. Madness Enchantment has no affect on "its" ability to fight. There are few warriors which can equal Berserker in battle, and only two known to be "its" better. However, because of "its" existence, this skill is not as high as it could be.

    Noble Phantasm:

    War Is Hell: EX

    Anti-Humanity

    It is often said that war is hell. This Noble Phantasm is that concept taken to its logical conclusion.

    Berserker is, in truth, a Reality Marble containing every single warrior who died unremembered, unmourned, forgotten - unknown. Berserker can summon the any non-legendary weapon as long it shed the blood of a human being and was wielded in war, which is a passive aspect of the Noble Phantasm. Each weapon will also be on fire.

    However, when activated, Berserker will transform into its true form - Hell itself. Nine circles, containing of millions human soldiers, all of whom have Madness Enchantment at varying ranks and instantly attack anything Berserker - or rather they - regard as an enemy. Berserker in this form is able to inflict all manner of torture on anyone caught within it, from burning fire to hooks and chains that tear them limb from limb. Any human concept applied to hell's torture can be used by Berserker.

    At the center of Berserker lies a sword, the fabled "Sword of the Red Rider." This is the heart of the Reality Marble, and if destroyed, will end Berserker once and for all. Naturally, it is here that Berserker's tortures are the absolute worst. It would take an extraordinary Servant of incredibly skill to destroy this sword.

  10. #15810
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Red Rider: I've already seen a bunch of sheets based on the "unknown soldier" concept, and frankly this one isn't my favorite. You didn't set "its" personality apart in any interesting way so "it" just comes off as a boring emotionless killing machine, which might fit your concept but isn't terribly interesting to read.

    Also really not a fan of the "War Is Hell" NP. The torture aspect- even if it isn't elaborated on- just seems needlessly sickening and I can't see any way it could be portrayed in a story without descending into full-on gorn territory. It isn't really necessary either because when people say war is hell they generally mean in the sense of how tragic and brutal it is, not that it involves literally being tortured by demons or whatever. Like what kind of war has people getting torn apart limb from limb by chains? That feels more like the kind of thing that could happen to captives after a battle rather than in the war itself, which is what you based the sheet on. The whole thing just rubs me the wrong way.

    I'd say nix the torture aspect and just keep the weapon summoning and Reality Marble. If you want to keep the edginess and "Hell" motifs you could have the Reality Marble be a giant living fortress made from the conglomerated bodies of all the soldiers who died in war, a la Reinhard's Gladsheim from Dies Irae.

    In general it wasn't entirely clear in parts whether you intended this Berserker to an embodiment of war itself (as implied by the Red Rider designation) or all the soldiers who died in it. If the latter I don't get why a being born from the souls of everyone who died alone and forgotten in war would be so gung-ho about spreading it. Wouldn't it make more sense instead (and be more conceptually interesting IMO) for the nameless soldier to resent mankind's tendency for war when so many of them died meaningless deaths because of it? It just doesn't seem like you thought through the concept of this sheet terribly well.
    Last edited by RoydGolden; August 28th, 2019 at 08:41 PM. Reason: Added paragraph

  11. #15811
    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Red Rider: I've already seen a bunch of sheets based on the "unknown soldier" concept, and frankly this one isn't my favorite. You didn't set "its" personality apart in any interesting way so "it" just comes off as a boring emotionless killing machine, which might fit your concept but isn't terribly interesting to read.

    Also really not a fan of the "War Is Hell" NP. The torture aspect- even if it isn't elaborated on- just seems needlessly sickening and I can't see any way it could be portrayed in a story without descending into full-on gorn territory. It isn't really necessary either because when people say war is hell they generally mean in the sense of how tragic and brutal it is, not that it involves literally being tortured by demons or whatever. Like what kind of war has people getting torn apart limb from limb by chains? That feels more like the kind of thing that could happen to captives after a battle rather than in the war itself, which is what you based the sheet on. The whole thing just rubs me the wrong way.

    I'd say nix the torture aspect and just keep the weapon summoning and Reality Marble. If you want to keep the edginess and "Hell" motifs you could have the Reality Marble be a giant living fortress made from the conglomerated bodies of all the soldiers who died in war, a la Reinhard's Gladsheim from Dies Irae.

    In general it wasn't entirely clear in parts whether you intended this Berserker to an embodiment of war itself (as implied by the Red Rider designation) or all the soldiers who died in it. If the latter I don't get why a being born from the souls of everyone who died alone and forgotten in war would be so gung-ho about spreading it. Wouldn't it make more sense instead (and be more conceptually interesting IMO) for the nameless soldier to resent mankind's tendency for war when so many of them died meaningless deaths because of it? It just doesn't seem like you thought through the concept of this sheet terribly well.
    I should point out Jack the Ripper can transform into a demon because people thought he was a demon. That's what gave me the idea to make War Hell itself - that kind of connection would be powerful.

    I'll be blunt, by tortures, I was thinking Dante's Inferno... but at the same time, I kind of dislike some of those concepts (Forest of Suicides.) Which is why I used tortures instead. As a substitute. Though I can understand what you mean.

    You did bring up good points here. The lack of a personality is deliberate though, to mimic the Pale Rider.

  12. #15812
    神秘 Obscure Shiki-pon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slick146 View Post
    I should point out Jack the Ripper can transform into a demon because people thought he was a demon. That's what gave me the idea to make War Hell itself - that kind of connection would be powerful.

    You did bring up good points here. The lack of a personality is deliberate though, to mimic the Pale Rider.
    Isn't Jack's demon transformation because of the fact that he's less "Jack the Ripper" and more "Who was Jack the Ripper?", so any theory about his identity becomes form he can take?

    Also, Pale Rider appears to be very unorthodox as a Servant, not appearing to have a true physical form per se (or at least being capable of splitting himself apart, as it sent a fragment to fight Gil and Enkidu). I'd be surprised if it even has parameters in the conventional sense.
    I would assume that out of the Horsemen, War would be closest to humans in nature, given that he can only exist through humanity (though the same can be said about Conquest). I seem to recall once having the idea once of War manifesting through its Master somehow, highlighting its existence as something almost incorporeal. It might also be something like a spreading mass psychosis, but that would be ripping off the Pale Rider.
    Just being a physical powerhouse is odd and kinda boring for one of the Horsemen, if I'm being honest.

  13. #15813
    Wyrd oft nereð unfǽgne eorl, þonne his ellen déah... Skull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bugs View Post
    I'm in that boat too, which is why I'm taking sheets I've previously worked on and am attempting to expand them into a bit of a fic. It might be easier, since you're already familiar with the process that created them.
    It's funny you should mention making a fic, as way back during the Jumanji hype I started drafting up a parody fic where a bunch of TM fans were playing a makeshift Fate tabletop rpg only to be sucked inside the game and forced to fight alongside the Servants they created. I even made seven servant sheets and everything but my story writing skills sucked so I eventually scrapped the whole thing.

    I wonder if I still have the files for the sheets at least...
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  14. #15814
    Trace: Overcringe King of Padoru's Avatar
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    That sounds really fun. I'd love to see those sheets

  15. #15815
    魔境の智慧 Anju Addams's Avatar
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    Red Rider: I prefer this version of the unknown soldier archetype better. Not as wankish though it is more based on the faceless masses of WW1.

    ...and isn't the horseman. Which I just realized yours is.
    Nevermind.
    Last edited by Anju Addams; August 29th, 2019 at 07:28 AM.


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  16. #15816
    Wyrd oft nereð unfǽgne eorl, þonne his ellen déah... Skull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by King of Padoru View Post
    That sounds really fun. I'd love to see those sheets
    Looks like they were on my old broken computer, so I'll have to remake them from scratch if I ever revisit them but from memory they were...

    Saber: Cnut the Great
    Archer: Dongmyeong
    Lancer: Celtchar mac Uthechar
    Rider: William Marshal
    Caster: Jafar ibn Yahya Barmaki
    Berserker: Þorkell inn hávi
    Assassin: Hassan (I think he was meant to be very ninja-like.)
    Avenger: The Man in the Iron Mask (This one was going to be the Evil Gamemaster's hidden trump card to wipe out the players and the final boss that the survivors would rally to defeat.)

    As you can see, my bias for western Europe was very much in effect.
    Last edited by Skull; August 29th, 2019 at 08:09 AM.
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  17. #15817
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Master of Chaos View Post
    Please provide plenty of feedback. I tried to keep it modest just to be safe, but in many ways, this is a special project for me.
    Interesting, very interestinc, MoC! I'll be honest, I'd never expect an Anhanguera sheet, but it looks good, and I think it was good that you tried to keep it modest, as you say. I do think you glossed over a lot of Bartolomeu's less savoury deeds... But I suppose this isn't the place to go into that. (Also, I wonder if maybe the non-Brazilians need a tiny bit more context about the bandeiras?) You also left it ambiguous whether the "real-life" Nasuverse version of Bartolomeu had psychic powers; the NP description mentions those, but then you don't "Nasu-ify" his background.

    Anyway, I do have a few suggestions:

    Independent Action - The bandeiras were financed either by the government or by rich individuals, but they were mostly on their own once out in the field. I'd say you could bump this to B.

    Magic Resistance - We all know in the Nasuverse the Native Brazilians would have employed magic against the bandeiras. I think you could bump this to C.

    Parameters - He's a famous personage from a relatively old and magic-heavy land and period, I think you could bump his Mana to D+, and possibly his Luck to B as well.

    Also, a few corrections: in the Conquistador Skill, I think you meant "tactic", instead of "tact"? And in his background, it should be "natives' language", not "native’s language".

  18. #15818
    後継者 Successor Bugs's Avatar
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    I'd like to see that Cnut sheet very much, I don't think I've ever seen one and it's a shame. The Jumanji setup sounds quite a bit like just hosting an RP, if only between yourself. Ever thought of doing one before?

  19. #15819
    Quote Originally Posted by Shiki-pon View Post
    Isn't Jack's demon transformation because of the fact that he's less "Jack the Ripper" and more "Who was Jack the Ripper?", so any theory about his identity becomes form he can take?

    Also, Pale Rider appears to be very unorthodox as a Servant, not appearing to have a true physical form per se (or at least being capable of splitting himself apart, as it sent a fragment to fight Gil and Enkidu). I'd be surprised if it even has parameters in the conventional sense.
    I would assume that out of the Horsemen, War would be closest to humans in nature, given that he can only exist through humanity (though the same can be said about Conquest). I seem to recall once having the idea once of War manifesting through its Master somehow, highlighting its existence as something almost incorporeal. It might also be something like a spreading mass psychosis, but that would be ripping off the Pale Rider.
    Just being a physical powerhouse is odd and kinda boring for one of the Horsemen, if I'm being honest.
    This is War we are talking about, it kind of makes sense he'd be a physical powerhouse capable of wrecking everything in his path.

    Good points there, though.

  20. #15820
    Wyrd oft nereð unfǽgne eorl, þonne his ellen déah... Skull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bugs View Post
    I'd like to see that Cnut sheet very much, I don't think I've ever seen one and it's a shame. The Jumanji setup sounds quite a bit like just hosting an RP, if only between yourself. Ever thought of doing one before?
    Y'know what? Maybe I will go back to that story and give it another go. I still remember most of the key details.

    Might not be for a while though, I've already started on a new project - a series of Sheets based around the rise and fall of a certain empire.
    "Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"

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