Most others, including me, tend to start these off in a more attention-grabbing fashion. Play around with the options at the top of the menu some, see what works for you. Don't do overdo it, though.Originally Posted by Kabalisto Koga
I've marked all the spelling errors and capitalization errors in red. I've marked all the sentence construction errors in blue. I've marked all the punctuation errors in purple. Finally, I've marked the weeaboo bullshit in orange.I've fixed some of them where it would otherwise be difficult to see what went wrong. Spoiler alert: everything basically went wrong. You misspell a lot of words consistently. "Strenght" ought to be "strength". "Abbility" ought to be "Ability". You've got capital letters all over the place, meaning you're either attempting to Sound Important by using Big Boy Letters, or are German, which is worse. Your sentences are understandable to a certain point but are usually rather mangled. You've stated you're surprised we puzzled out English isn't your first language. You really shouldn't have been surprised.Background: Grendel was a Hybrided Giant and the Enemy who fought against Beowulf. His Mother was a Meerweib whoose true origin a kelpie was and a Giant. He was known as a terrifying threat for Humans but unknown for them ,he protected his Homeland out of duty as one if not the Last of his Kin,and this . Although he was only at half one of them, in his childhood he saw the slaughter of his kin by the Humans,and out of this Trauma he hated the Festivals and laughing of the human because he feeled that her happynes was at his kins cost...
Appearances:He is as Giant a Man of collosal Build and surmounted even Herakless and DariusIII with his 3.45 meters. His rust colored Skin is more scale as human-Skin , he has slit-like amber eyes ,he wears atleast as Berserker only (similar like Herakless) a loincloth. He carries a sickleclaw-shaped mace as a weapon.
Personality: He has a latent hatred on the Humanity for destroying his Homeland and slaughter his friends and Clan, although he isnt as blind in his Raging Hatred to not differ under the People to not recognice good hearted Humans as he had as child friends under them. Despite his highranked Mad Enhancement is his Mind only dazed and dulled but a conversation is fundamentaly possible and he is able to act reasonable.
Abbilities:
He has thanks to his Born Demon (skill) Monstrous Strenght and Mad Enhancement Strenght A++,Endurance A++,Agility B.Mana:A,Luck:C
He has due to his size a almost terrifying amount physical power. Despite his size he is quite nimble. His personall skill is Born Demon Rank A ist provide a Parameter bust,magic resistence at Rank C with a A+ Rank curse immunity,batle continuation rank B,and D Rank presence concealment as Berserker.
He has as Berserker only one reall useable Hougu :
Cruth-atharrachadh dhiadhaidh dorcha(Dark Ancestral Transformation)
He has also Qualifications as Saber and Assasin
Moving past that particular problem, your presentation could use work. My advice is just to grab the profile format guidelines from the Create-A-Servant contest thread (in the first post) and fill that in like you would a checklist. It won't fix your problems with regards to spelling or grammar or sentence structure or punctuation, though. Just use Word or something, for the love of God.
Finally, we have the actual content, which I suppose is what you wanted feedback on. Honestly, I was expecting worse.
- The stats aren't all that egregious, although I wonder how Beowulf managed to wrestle it into the ground and wrench its arm off when Grendel's Agility is two ranks higher.
- The skills are nothing amazing, but they're not all that bad. No original skills, which is a mixed blessing.
- The Noble Phantasm is alright. Its central conceit, tapping into his mother's blood for a power boost, makes sense, at least. Although you've yet to answer why he didn't transform in the legend when he was panicking.
- With regards to powerlevels, this interpretation of Grendel is okay. Solid middle of the pack, which is fine.
- Bit of a problem with its background is that the defending the homeland bit is as far as I can tell, your original creation, but it doesn't really pop up elsewhere in the sheet, it's a bit of a throwaway detail. Considering he's still able to discriminate between humans, the whole thing is a bit of apologia about why he's not that bad. That entire bit is disappointing and frankly a copout. I approve of the fact you wanted to take a different direction than it merely being a big beefy monster that appears so Beowulf can prove he's a badass by killing it, don't get me wrong. You just could've picked a different direction.
So, to answer this question, not all that amazing. Your spelling and grammar are, as I hope I've made clear, not good. I'd go so far as to say awful. English might not be your first language, but that doesn't mean you can't get better at it. The content itself is uninspired. You've got a lot of things you can improve on, which is not to say I or others are perfect.
