Originally Posted by
Vagrant
Oh, a Chinggis Khan profile? I'm certain that this will be a balanced and reasonable sheet :P I feel like his stats are high for a Rider, particularly Agility. That's what horses are for, damn it! Aside from dropping that and probably Strength a bit though I have no real complaints. Archers don't tend to have hight Strength in the Nasuverse for the most part, unless they're Herk of course.
Ah, and the wank begins to flow. Eye of the Mind Rank B is already enough to turn 1% chance into victory. I'm certain you didn't need to slap on an EX rank when an A or A+ rank would have sufficed here. Riding also seems stupidly high given that he's only ever been renowned for riding horses, not ridiculous Phantasmal Beasts. I'm certain any Mongol hero would have great riding skill for horses and other normal beasts, I just don't think you need to slap on a rank that allows him to ride god phoenix birds with ease.
Also, the World recognising him as its king? I love Chinggis Khan, but that statement sounds absurd even to me. There's plenty of legends of people having conquered the whole known world. Yes, he did a great job of it as a real thing, but no I doubt the actual World somehow continues to acknowledge him as its King. it sounds excessive and grandiose to me. The ability, while kind of OP as hell, seems okay. I'm always wary of unlimited prana though, even with the limitation of his capacity, especially given Rank B Mana is a pretty damn high capacity.
I guess if you're going to make an Archer Temujin you may as well go full OP with the Archerness of it. I like the imagery and the writing style, but I question a Rank A lightning bow that is basically ridiculous good at everything it does, right down to shitting on MR. Seems big. Seems powerful. Eh, with the tone of the sheet you're going for it is probably warranted, so hey. I'm sure this will be his most OP Noble Phantasm, so I have nothing to worry about for the rest of it, right? Yeah, cool.
I assume you are either ignoring Volga Bulgaria's victory at the very least, or referring only to battles that Chinggis himself participated in, which seems slightly disingenuous to me, given that in later life the majority of his war strategy was left to others to devise and handle. In any case,a summoning Phantasm, yay! That is unexpected of a conqueror, right? To be honest, I don't care for this Phantasm at all. "The World still thinks I am its King and so it gives me unlimited prana anywhere I happen to be and so I just summon additional Servants lololol" is kind of silly, in my opinion. Iskandar gets away with it due to being the first (and only canon) Servant to do so, and also because of the whole "Oceanus is in the hearts of all my men" thing, which I feel is much more interesting and inspiring than "The World loves the shit out of me". Eh, I'm just not a fan of this, sorry.
Oh, okay. So aside from an EX rank summoning Phantasm he also gets a Reality Marble. I assume this is because the world loves him, right? Oh, wait, no, it's due to his undying dream of a common law. Okay, well that's at least a bit more Reality Marble-y, but I honestly doubt his inner world would be so stringently Common Law and that he'd have had the time to develop and nurture his inner world. I mean, you're talking about him obsessing over Common Law to a level akin to EMIYA and his sword fetish.
Aside from the mechanical quibbles I like the idea of the first half of the function, less so the second half. Draining others of their prana based on their self-recognised sins is cool, though he seems hypocritical to establish an Inner World of Common Law which isn't common enough to apply to specific people he chooses. But that's a quibble on the flavour, since it'd be basically worthless if he recognised everyone's sins, including his own. The prana and strength drain I like. The idea that other people's recognition of their sins gives him greater strength is something I do not like. Temujin has already brought down the scourge of the sky god by his prana draining field, which is able to both expand and kill a normal person easily. I have no objections to the idea of the field feeding itself, sort of seems like an expanding Wrath of God thing, which is neat, but using it as a booster to Temujin's own stats or other Phantasms feels both needless and (to me personally) against the spirit of the whole thing as well as a way to mechanically game him into an even stronger Servant.
Overall I don't mind the concepts you have with your Temujin, potentially not even his level of power so much, it's how you've framed it both mechanically and in flavour that I dislike.