we had this talk many times before, koga.
yes, it is the grammar. Your style of making Servants is in my taste too big, with too many skills and effects and throwing around divine cores to guys that just did stuff which was some way liked by gods etc.
but despite that people still commend your works
but it seems like that is not enough for you.
Now that I think about it. with your creativity of coming up with dozens of skills, you could create several versions of your servant instead. Then the common critique of "too much" is lifted, because it is divided among several class containers. your long explanations can be reduced too, because you can focus each lore section on the relevant part of their legend. Else it feels like you wrote yourself into a corner. Pressing everything of their legend into their current container makes them too strong. And it also devalues their alternative class containers, because they have nothing left to explore.
I have a bias to like my own ideas, but i think it could be a decent writing exercise next time you want to put too much stuff into one servant. I mean you did it with Loki a while ago. Just dont force every class to happen, just those which thematically fit the legend of your candidate
WEll at first there are some servants that got almost no commend or attention at all .
Then did i meant in not only commend but also like your or the from other makers some reall praises and "great sheet !" such one do i mean like its like in the contests i have participated now in quite many but got barely points as i know there are aside mine many great ones from the others but i give all in the making of them to think abot some great servants and dive like always deep into the mileau of the respective person bring my creativity and ideas into it but real aknowledgment do i get rather rare .
and that over a prolonged time left some impressions into one ,is i think understandable.
As you mentioned my Loki series how do you find them ?
William Burke/Hare: I feel like my Holmes could understand these guys somewhat, even if I don't think they'd get along. They're both to similar and too different in the wrong ways. Still I do like the back and forth on this one. I usually find myself skipping the dialogues because I feel they get a little tedious, but I just like reading these two interact with each other. I especially like just making their NP a two-edged sword against those who utilize it, but also agree with Del on the Avenger part, but you have your reasons. Also, the goofy song is now in music list.
Originally Posted by RoydGolden
An emperor's reach should exceed his grasp!
Do you like jazz short stories? Do you want something to distract from making Servants? Do you wish the idea of Shirou Kotomine didn't immediately bring edgelords to mind? Well, I can't promise it's good, but some would disagree with me. Fate/Without Justice
Class: Ruler
Other Classes: Lancer
True Name: Apostle Paul
Alignment: Lawful Good
Place of Origin: Tarsus
Height: 154 cm.
Weight: 65 kilo.
Likes: The Gentiles. Preaching the Word. Redemption.
Dislikes: The man he was. Restrictive traditions. Lack of understanding.
Natural Enemy: Nero. Saul.
Armament: A sword bearing a blue blade. A golden book.
Parameters:
STR: C
END: C
AGI: C
MGI: B
LCK: B
NP: B
Class Skills:
True Name Discernment (B):
During a direct encounter, a Servant's true name and entire status information will be automatically revealed. In regard to Servants with concealment abilities, a Luck Check is required to bypass those abilities.
God's Resolution (A):
Two Command Spells can be used for each Servant participating in the Holy Grail War. Cannot re-purpose the Command Spells of others.
Magic Resistance (A):
Cancel spells of A-Rank or below, no matter what High-Thaumaturgy it is. In practice, the Servant is untouchable to modern magi, so it would not be an exaggeration to title the Servant a "Magus Killer".
Personal Skills:
By the Grace (A):
A specialized form of Saint bestowed only to the apostles of Jesus as they are the ones who received “Grace” directly from him.
Alongside all the normal benefits of a high-ranking Saint, those with this Skill are also able to perform minor miracles as well as gain temporary Parameter increases through prayer.
Missionary (A):
The Skill of one who traveled for the sake of spreading and founding religious beliefs.
Anywhere Ruler has traveled, whether within the land of summoning or beyond, becomes a place he has “spread the Word”. These areas come under his influence, allowing him to use his Skills and Noble Phantasm within these areas even from a great distance away. These areas also grant beneficial effects to those he deems deserving, usually meaning his allies.
Protection of Faith (A):
Skill possessed only by those who have sacrificed themselves for a religious view. Despite being a form of divine protection, it is not a blessing from a higher existence. It is the absoluteness of one’s body and mind that was born from their beliefs. But if it is too high, it causes abnormalities in the personality.
Noble Phantasm
The Pauline Epistles: The Divine Words That Cause the Soul to Tremble (A)
Anti-Army
To his name, Ruler bears thirteen books of the Bible. The authenticity of his authorship of several of these have been called into question, but the books and messages born within them are inexorably linked to Ruler.
Despite its status as Anti-Army, this Noble Phantasm is not an attack in the traditional sense. The book Ruler carries with him does not truly contain the letters he may have written, but the essence of those letter broken down into their truest form given material.
Upon invoking its True Name, Ruler opens the book and begins to read. His words transcend beyond understanding, reaching the heights of the original language spoken by God and the first humans. Even though they cannot be understood, his words bear the palpable weight of Divine power with every syllable.
Every single area affected by his Missionary Skill comes under its effects. His voice causes men and women to collapse weeping, animals to bay and cry, and even the very Earth itself to silently pour out emotion. Servants within the areas of effect will be assaulted with his words, their very souls targeted by the joy echoing from his lips.
But this is not an attack. It is jubilation. It is an absolute affirming of hope and salvation. The promise that one can be saved, that none have to be abandoned, for the price has already been paid. It is a comfort so great it tears animosity and violence from those targeted with the force of Ruler’s sheer, unrelenting faith in what he says.
The effects are only temporary, and Servants will recover from the effects faster than humans, especially if they themselves already know the Good News. This Noble Phantasm is not meant to harm, but to prevent harm by hopefully showing there is another way. Whether or not those who have heard the Good News will accept it is another matter altogether.
Lore
The Apostle Paul was one of the most prolific writers of Biblical text, having been credited with penning thirteen of the twenty-seven books of the Bible. While not of the original twelve, Paul was considered one of the most important apostles of the first century after Jesus’s ascension, being the last chosen by the Christ personally, if in a more dramatic fashion than his contemporaries.
Originally a Pharisee known for persecuting the newly developing Christians, especially those that were gentiles, Paul would have his life changed on a random road where Jesus descended to admonish him and open his eyes to the sins he had been committing against Him in His own name, blinding the man in the process.
After his sight was returned by the very gentiles he would have stoned for the crime of existing, his vision was truly opened for the first time. He truly saw his acts as the injustices they truly were, bound more to the selfish and foolish whims and mindsets of those leading the Pharisees rather than the actual spirit present in the Law they espoused. His world had been shattered, yet he felt more whole than he had before.
Believing and knowing in his heart he had received Gospel from Jesus himself, Paul would devote his entire remaining lifespan spreading the Word of God, bringing forth and jotting down new and radical ideas for the time that would become instrumental in shaping the belief system of Christianity perhaps moreso than any other.
For decades he would travel across Greece and share the Word, writing and responding to letters as well as partaking in philosophical and theological discussion with men from various walks of life, even going as far as to oppose Saint Peter on how one was to “properly” follow God.
This all would come to an end, however, when several followers of Judaism who were against Paul’s teaching leveled crimes he had not committed against him. For the next couple years, Paul would be passed around Rome until he was finally placed under house arrest where he would continue to preach to those who traveled to his dwelling, all while awaiting trial.
Even after he was finally released, he would reside in Rome the final years of his life, aiding the growing church there and helping it find roots. Sadly, he should have left when he had the chance, for he saw the Great Fire of Rome, and was present when Emperor Nero, in their growing madness, placed the blame on the Christians and began their mass persecution in the country.
Among the many executed for the crime of being Christian, Paul was among them, as was Saint Peter. While Peter was crucified as his savior was, Paul was dragged out into the streets and beheaded, and it was said that springs rose up from the ground at the three points his head bounced upon the street.
An ironic death for a former persecutor, but one Paul would have taken several times over to do the work of his God.
Personality
A stoic man bearing a burning passion for his faith. This opinionated man is just as interested in talking about his Lord as he is the philosophical ramifications of enslaving magical beings from beyond time. He throws his entire being into anything he does, becoming engrossed to the point one might not realize he's thinking through every move he makes.
It would be easy to describe Paul as a fanatic anchored by the logic of a philosopher. Whatever he sets his mind to will be vivisected and explored until he can draw satisfying conclusions from them, using his mind to cut to the core of the matter or hammer down the meaning like a mallet. It was actually for this reason he began tossing aside many of the older traditions his old mentors in the Pharisees espoused, realizing many were effectively pointless and had little to do with God after Jesus's death and resurrection.
His deepest flaw can be said that he is an immovable object when it comes to his beliefs. Almost anything else he can be corrected on and accept, but his stances on what he wrote and their meaning are unshaking. It's for this reason he actually often finds other philosophers and psychologists to be more troublesome than scientists, who he actually has some amicable relations with. Philosophers are always looking for a deeper meaning than what he tried to write as clearly and unerringly as possible while psychologists like to figure out meaningless things like why he chose one wording over another. His frustration comes from them often missing the actual message of his works, something that reminds him too much of his younger self.
Relationships
Nero: Be quiet, you incessant child. The joy you believe you imparted is no greater than the suffering you inflicted.
Saint Peter (Saber): We are not starting this again, Peter. Those who backed you are no longer here.
Saint Stephen (Gatekeeper): Please forgive me. Yours and every other death I orchestrated may be forgiven, but the shame still remains.
Saint Martha: I see. A dragon slayer. I had not realized they were that great an issue.
Saul: Come now. Surely you can see the truth. You know the same things that I do. Why do you continue to follow their doctrine?
Craft Essence
Now as he was going along and approaching Damascus, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”
He asked, “Who are you, Lord?”
The reply came, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But get up and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do.”
The men who were traveling with him stood speechless because they heard the voice but saw no one. Saul got up from the ground, and though his eyes were open, he could see nothing; so they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus.
From that moment on, he who was once Saul became Paul, and the man who once hunted the Gentiles walked among them. The man once filled with zealotry and arrogance lost himself on the road he met the Christ and was never found again.Paul fell face first into the ground, light beginning to shine around him as the magic maintaining him drained away and he was called back to the Throne. The manticore roared its triumph as it turned its attention on Ritsuka. How had his team been wiped out? He thought Paul would have been able to at least handle the remaining monster, but now he was alone, and that manticore looked hungry.
It began stalking forward, a predator assured in its victory, when it noticed something the same time as the Master.
The light from Paul wasn't receding, but growing even brighter. It engulfed the still body until it shot into the sky as a pillar. The blue sword that had been knocked away rose and rocketed straight into the column of light.
The two watched as the blade reappeared, slicing mightily through the golden ray. The light vanished as quickly as it appeared, and the body was gone.
The spear the blade resided on led back to a new figure both exactly the same as the last and yet entirely different. The man turned burning eyes on the monster before charging forward, spear ripping and tearing through it with a maddened ferocity.
"Finally free from that fool!"
When the short battle was finally over, the man turned to look at his master, his eyes now drained of their anger and his face completely neutral.
Class: Pretender
Other Classes: Lancer, Ruler
True Name: Saul (Paul Lily)
Alignment: Lawful "Good"
Place of Origin: Tarsus
Height: 154 cm.
Weight: 65 kilo.
Likes:
Dislikes: Heretics.
Natural Enemy: Paul
Armaments: The Apocalypse of Saul. Prototype Keys of Providence.
Parameters:
STR: B
END: C
AGI: B
MGI: C
LCK: D
NP: B
Class Skills:
True Name Enforcement (B):
A derivative Skill of the Ruler Class warped from the standard as a natural aspect of his life.
Rather than the discernment Rulers possess, this Skill reinforces a target’s True Name on them, making their identity, Skills, and Parameters visible to all in varying degrees depending on its rank.
At this rank, it is possible to reveal the True Name and Parameters to all after witnessing their Noble Phantasm. Only those with concealing abilities of higher rank can obstruct his enforcement.
God's Judgement (C):
A variation of God’s Resolution, this Skill gives a single Command Seal for each Servant, though these can apply to any of them. These seals’ only capability is to force the target to kill themselves.
Magic Resistance (B):
Cancel spells with a chant below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult for them to be affected.
Personal Skills:
Shadow of a Man (B):
Rather than the Grace bestowed upon his other self, Pretender is instead the embodiment of the shadow that was driven out by its Divine light.
This Skill acts as a suppressant of Divine influence, able to limit the effectiveness of holy powers as though a shadow was crawling over the light. However, its power actually decreases when used against those outside of the Judeo faith, making it a Skill all but useless against the Divinity of other pantheons.
Executioner (C):
Skill that increases damage towards those of the Evil alignment. Also, a Servant will also become a target if his/her actions are regarded as evil. Severing evil by means of evil; the ultimate judgement act.
Zealotry (A):
Skill where normally unattainable mental strength can be obtained by having so much religious faith in something that it is beyond the understanding of those around the user.
His foundational belief in the church and enforcing its will built upon two decades of training and indoctrination has manifested as this Skill, allowing him to overcome trauma instantly and bear a strong resistance to mental interference.
Noble Phantasm
The Apocalypse of Saul: Apocryphic Spear of the Apostle (B)
Anti-Army
The weapon wielded by a certain Chivalric Knight was forged from two apocrypha. A shield created from The Gospel of the Egyptians and a spear from The Apocalypse of Paul. It is the spear that forms the weapon’s offensive capabilities that Pretender wields.
While it was not a tool Pretender wielded in life, the actual weapon being made centuries after his death, it is intrinsically connected to and associated with him, qualifying him for the Lancer Class.
Created from that which told of both Heaven and Hell, this holy weapon of both Divine and Demonic power bears a blade half blue and half black to symbolize its duality. Upon its True Name release, it unleashes its dual nature in a frightening torrent of energy, the scorching flames of Hell combining with the purifying light of Heaven to completely obliterate everything in its path.
Lore
Before the apostle, there was the arm of the Pharisees known as Saul.
Saul, named after his ancestor the first Israeli King, was born into a family of Pharisees and was raised as such. Taught from a young age of the traditions and laws that governed those that followed the teachings of the Lord, Saul was groomed into a vessel for their beliefs to act as they dictated.
Never did he question how he was raised, nor what he was taught to place his faith in. He followed their orders and beliefs as best he was able, being a perfect example of a proper child of God.
That was until he was chosen by Gamaliel, a respected rabbi and doctor of Halakha, to be taught directly by him. As Saul would soon find out, Gamaliel was not only a teacher of the Law, but also the man in charge of the sect enforcing it. While this sect was unnamed in the Judaic traditions, being as it was meant to be an unseen, unknown policing force, the Catholics would eventually adopt much of its doctrine in the creation of the Executors, including adapting and improving on their weaponry.
Saul took to the teachings with fervor, quickly becoming one of Gamaliel’s best students and quickly rising in the ranks of the sect. It wasn’t long before he was sent out to deal with the various heretical and supernatural threats the church set him upon.
However, Saul felt nothing in his duties. The only thing he partook of was the anger and disdain those who commanded him held towards those he punished in their name, for it was all he knew. His life was in service to the church, and it was clear that was where his loyalty ended.
It was this man, taught in the law but unable to interpret its true meaning, that the Lord planned a true revelation. An opening of the eyes to the truth in the words he spouted but never understood through the scoop he had been seeing through from birth. For He knew the man could be so much more than he was, if only he had eyes to see and ears to hear beyond the anger and closemindedness.
And so it was that, on the way to fulfill his duty, the Christ descended upon him and showed him the blinding truth that would set him free.
Unfortunately, the man that came after is not the one standing before us, but the former that would sooner kill a man for believing “wrongly” than any true crime, all in the name of his Law and not the one who made them.
Personality
A cold man that only followed the orders of his superiors without question. Logic and passion directed towards only one goal, narrowed until nothing else could penetrate his razor focus. Nothing else matters to him but his mission, and he has no desire to search for anything else.
A quick learner, Saul will train tirelessly in anything that will help him achieve his goals, and, should his master command, he will do anything within his power to make it so, even if he is against the order for one reason or another. He, like few others, is a nearly perfect Servant when it comes to acting only as a tool and following orders.
However, his loyalty to his Master is still second to that of the teachings of the pharisees. Heretics, those that go against the Laws of God, and supernatural being all bear the brunt of his ire, and he will temporarily forgo other orders to exact judgement upon them.
Relationships
Paul: Because you abandoned me. Our God pushed me out to make way for you. I am not just the man you were, and, even now, I see the pity and anger in your eyes. I don’t want your pity, heretic! I want your penance, for I am the life you ruined to save yourself!
Saint Stephen: Come then. It is once more time for your punishment.
King Hassasn:Needless to say, these two don’t get along
Charles-Henri Sanson: An executioner that was only there at the end. Perhaps if you partake in the whole of judgement you can compare yourself to me.
Craft Essence
The Pharisee Enforcer
And so it was that the final stone was cast, and the man grew still under the pile.
The Pharisee felt nothing as he saw the broken body beneath the stones. He had almost lost count of how many he had ordered be made the same. He would be praised for this work, as with the others, but there was always more to do.
He was already given his next assignment. He was to leave for Damascus immediately and begin weeding out the followers of Jesus as he had here. He had been given many of these assignments as of late.
And so, he would go, traveling down the long road toward the city needing the Lord's judgement. Yet another stone to cast on his never-ending pile until his death, for there was nothing else.
How wrong he had been.
Creator Notes
I had Paul kicking around my head shortly after I did Antonin and when I listened to Move in Me for the first time in a while, something inside me clicked, and this Pretender was born. Don’t really have much to say beyond that except: Del, I would now like my pretend crown for this pretend Class that I pretend like.
[The Crest of Flames-Three Houses]
Last edited by Morg van Destro; February 27th, 2023 at 06:59 AM.
Do you like jazz short stories? Do you want something to distract from making Servants? Do you wish the idea of Shirou Kotomine didn't immediately bring edgelords to mind? Well, I can't promise it's good, but some would disagree with me. Fate/Without Justice
Saul/Paul: Well-done sheet. I would've missed him being a Pretender if not for your author's note, which I suppose testifies to the fact that the pre-reveal portion stands pretty well on its own. Definitely an unusual example of Pretender where he's "impersonating" his own future self. Rather than acting out a role it appears more like he's a split-personality buried within the originally summoned Paul (which even he isn't aware is still there) that can awaken and take over under the correct conditions. Referring to his past self as an agent of "the church" is kind of weird IMO when that term is used pretty much exclusively in a Christian context, but I see what you were going for with the Executor comparisons. I take it True Name Enforcement is based on how he exposed the identities of the "heretics" he hunted down?
Referring to his past self as an agent of "the church" is kind of weird IMO when that term is used pretty much exclusively in a Christian context, but I see what you were going for with the Executor comparisons. I take it True Name Enforcement is based on how he exposed the identities of the "heretics" he hunted down?
He actually says "their doctrine", actually referring to the brand of religion the Pharisees were known to employ, not necessarily a foundation like a church, though I probably used that term at one point if I know myself without thinking.
You got it in one. Were he Lancer, he'd still have that Skill, but likely at a lower rank.
Do you like jazz short stories? Do you want something to distract from making Servants? Do you wish the idea of Shirou Kotomine didn't immediately bring edgelords to mind? Well, I can't promise it's good, but some would disagree with me. Fate/Without Justice
Why am i Chaotic Evil ? i wonder and could you stop shipping me with Nine !
a) i cant separate you from NINE, he would feel lonely there
b) you are all over the place and can be annoying at times, so chaotic evil is the most fitting
Originally Posted by Baron Magnus
.... why am I chaotic neutral? not mad just curious.
because of your wacky sheet ideas and execution, see your Metatron Arc
Fair enough. I won't be doing something like those middle two sheets again though. I seem to lack the talent currently to mix story and sheet like some more skilled members around here. I'll be sticking to pure servant sheets... speaking of, I've got two to write and post now that I think on it.
Rookie Lorekeeper, Amateur Extraordinaire, and all around nasunoob.
some of the positions were suggested by morg
it is because of your brutal set of rules and standards you impose on yourself and sometime others. I mean the in depth criticism
dont take it too seriously tho, just a joke and i needed some candidates for the field
Lawful good is honestly a surprise. Considering how I wrote anywhere between wholesome dreamy princess (Angelica), tragic angst mom (Oichi) and delusional religious nutjob (Hong Xiuquan), I'd have expected something more chaotic. Like maybe I could switch places with WF, at least. She's got way more of that wholesomeness I don't always have.
Originally Posted by DelRey
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