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Thread: Create-A-Servant 2

  1. #7941
    Quote Originally Posted by Alexcoene View Post
    Then you should have written it. In fact, that's the problem with your sheet: it has almost no description whatsoever.
    Trust me, I have a better one. But I couldn't copy and paste it with my tablet, and writing on the tablet has proven difficult to do on this site.

    I will get it up soon.

  2. #7942
    Here. My best Abraham Lincoln as Saber. Made this for a RP which might not even start. Sorry for the formatting, but it was the best I could come up with.

    Class: Saber
    Gender: Male
    Titles: The Great Emancipator
    True Name: Abraham Lincoln
    Appearance: Over six foot four inches in height, with brown hair. He is not dressed in his ever distinctive stovepipe hat and clothing, but instead wears more a black dress jacket and a white undershirt with the sleeves rolled up. When his Noble Phantasms are activated, he will change in appearance, aging into the icon he became as President.

    Biography:The 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln was born in a one room log cabin. During his youth, he lost his birth mother, Nancy Lincoln, due to poisoned milk, and his father, Thomas Lincoln, would constantly move around. Young Abe was always noted for being very strong for his age, as well as physically imposing, and was a very skilled wrestler, capable of throwing grown men a distance of perhaps twelve feet. In a famous wrestling fight, when his opponent tried to trip him up, a furious Lincoln grabbed him by the throat and shook him like a rag doll. Serving with the Illinois Militia in the Black Hawk War, Lincoln prevented them from killing an elderly Native American by putting himself between the man and the militia, daring them to attack. Such was his courage and imposing presence, that even though he was threatened with charges of cowardice, no one dared do anything, and no charges were ever filed. Lincoln would go on to become one of, if not the, greatest Presidents of the United States. During the time before that, however, Lincoln was challenged to a duel by one William Shields. At first treating it as a joke, Lincoln decided up cavalry broadswords of the largest caliber. A shrewd move on his part, due to his already long reach. He was able to intimidate his opponent into backing down when he demonstrates himself capable of shearing branches from a tree with swift cuts. Lincoln's term as President was marked by the American Civil War, which Lincoln steered the Union through and won. His leadership and ability to connect and support the Union troops endeared him to them, greatly lifting their morale. His opposition to slavery made him feared by all Southern slave owners, and the secession of the Confederacy was in response to his election. Lincoln was a master public speaker, and his speeches have gone down in history as some of the greatest of all time

    Personality: Intelligent, honest, hardworking, inventive, determined, brave, strong, Abraham Lincoln is fondly remembered for being an incorruptible, upright, virtuous and heroic man. Abraham Lincoln himself is kind, compassionate, very shrewd, and has very strong self control over his emotions, while also having all the traits he is remembered for. He has a calm demeanor, and is very brave, even in the face of extreme adversity. However, Lincoln deeply misses his sons who were killed during the civil war.

    Armaments: A large cavalry broadsword.

    Parameters:
    Strength: B+
    Agility: B+
    Endurance: B+
    Mana: C
    Luck: D+
    Noble Phantasm: A+

    Skills:

    Magic Resistance. C
    Cancel spells with a chant below two verses. Cannot defend against magecraft on the level of High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals.

    Riding. C
    Most vehicles and animals can be handled with above average skill. However, cannot ride the likes of Phantasmal Species such as Monstrous Beasts.

    Personal Skills:

    Bravery. A
    Saber was renowned for his bravery in the face of danger, and his unwavering resolve. During the Black Hawk War, he prevented the death of an elderly Native American by placing himself between the man and the militia he was serving with, and was not charged for cowardice. This grants him ability to negate mental interference such as pressure, confusion and fascination. It also has the bonus effect of increasing melee damage.

    Charisma. B
    To this day, Saber’s words continue to inspire the people of the United States, and he is seen as a symbol of freedom. Despite being one of the most unpopular presidents in history, as his election caused numerous states to secede, he is still well remembered and thought of throughout the States. Increases the ability of allies during group battles.

    Military Tactics. C
    Saber's leadership in the American Civil War proved crucial to winning the war, and he demonstrated a gift for military strategy, though he struggled with finding a good general for the Union Army. Still, his natural eye for strategy served him well. Grants a bonus to Anti-Army Noble Phantasms, and when facing Anti-Army Noble Phantasms.

    Pioneer of the Stars. C
    More then anyone, it was Lincoln who defined what the Declaration of Independence meant. He was the man who outlined that it meant freedom for all men, no matter who they are, and despite facing incredibly serious opposition, he was still able to prevail and ensure that slaves were freed and granted equal rights. Had he lived, it is very possible his efforts would have healed a nation divided by war, and his legacy would be much stronger than it currently is. However, his successor managed to almost completely undo most of his plans in the South to ensure that black people were granted equal rights, resulting in the old status quo coming back. All difficult voyages and challenges which are considered "impossible" turn into "events that can be realized".

    President of America. A
    Lincoln is considered one of the greatest, if not the greatest, Presidents in American history. His status as an inspiration to all Americans, save a few despicable individuals, lives on and on, even extending overseas to other men and women. Thus, he is granted a bonus in all stats save Mana. His natural leadership ability also grants a bonus to his Noble Phantasms in battle. Another effect of this is that he also may be briefly clothed in immense power which acts as a barrier, granting him temporary invulnerability.

    Noble Phantasms:

    Name: Gettysburg Address
    Subtitle: Shall Not Perish From The Earth
    Rank: B+
    Type: Anti-Army
    Description: Often seen as Lincoln's greatest speech, the Gettysburg Address is one of the most iconic in America’s history. A tribute to the men who fought and died in the battle, Lincoln also referred to the civil war not as one to put down the Confederacy, but as a struggle for the very ideals upon which the United States was founded upon, a test to prove that liberty and equality shall not perish from the Earth.

    A manifestation of the Gettysburg address, Saber can summon the wraiths of every Union soldier who died in the Battle of Gettysburg, to aid him in battle. He will also receive a boost in all stats save Mana and Luck.

    Name: Emancipation Proclamation
    Subtitle: And Henceforth Shall Be Free
    Rank: A+
    Type: Anti-Fortress
    Description: The Emancipation Proclamation was Lincoln’s greatest achievements. With it, Lincoln declared every slave in the South a free man and made the destruction of slavery an explicit war goal of the North, striking a critical blow to the South on the international front by turning the war into a moral one as well as freeing over 3 million people, as well as paving the way for the Thirteenth Amendment.

    The Emancipation Proclamation resembles Saber’s broadsword, however, it is much larger. The hilt has a bald eagle decorating it, while the blade itself is colored red and blue, with white stars running along the dull edge. The blade shall be powerful enough to break through most high level defensive Noble Phantasms, Bounded Fields, etc with a single blow, much like Saber struck a critical blow to the Confederacy with this. The defences will gradually weaken over time after being struck, wearing away. It can also release a massive burst of prana. Servants who are not outright killed by it will find themselves severely depleted of mana being supplied from outside sources, such as their Masters. When pitted against a Servant who owned slaves or supported slavery in some manner during their lifetime, the Noble Phantasm will have a bonus for all effects.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I will fix it....

    So, added some skills and what not.

    That clothed in immense power thing is based off an actual Lincoln quote.

    Maybe it could be a Noble Phantasm.
    Last edited by Slick146; October 4th, 2017 at 12:02 PM.

  3. #7943
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Lincoln: Well, it's certainly better then before anyways. His NPs are at least fleshed out now, even if the first one is an Ionian Hetairoi knock-off and the second is a patriotism flavored beam-sword. Its effects being a slight nod to Rule Breaker is a nice touch, as the idea of cutting off/weakening a Servant's contract with their Master is at least a decent interpretation of the abolition of slavery.

    However, a lot of other things are still rather iffy, particularly the absolutely insane A++ ranked Strength (I'd love to hear how Abraham Lincoln is apparently as strong as the freaking Minotaur now). Military Tactics at rank B also seems too high. He may have been a great general, but saying he's at the level of Alexander the Great is seriously pushing it.

    B-ranked Charisma is fine, though you should probably make some reference to how he was actually one of the most unpopular presidents while he was alive and in power, due to how much he angered southerners and slave-owners. Bravery is also fine, though hella' generic. I think you should probably bring back the flavor-text it had before, if only to flesh it out a bit.

    Overall, it's a good attempt for one of your first sheets, but there's definitely a fair deal that needs improvement.

  4. #7944
    It's All Good! 4score7years's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slick146 View Post
    Here. My best Abraham Lincoln as Saber.
    It's not bad for a first sheet posted here (certainly better than the first I made), but I definitely think you could still make it better. Here's some constructive criticism, if you will. Sorry if it comes across as a little harsh or nitpicky, that really isn't my intention; I'm just trying to help. Plus, like I said, I was working on my own version of this guy at one point, and some of my comments reflect that.

    Anyway, in no particular order:

    -You should add descriptions for your class skills. Even just generic copy/pasted skill descriptions plus some justifications or flavor text is always good. It's just a nice little detail and makes your sheets feel more rounded out.

    -You should also add the generic descriptions for Charisma and Military Tactics, like you have with Bravery.

    -I think his strength is actually higher than Hercules. Which is, silly. In general his stats could all probably be a touch lower, considering modernity and all that. That's gone out the window a bit with Grand Order, but it's still true to some extent.

    -I feel his personal skills are a little generic, kind of just the standard "military leader package". You talked about his wrestling youth, and that's fun enough and unique enough that I'd definitely have made a skill for it, kind of like the one Chiron had. He's also a president, and while we haven't had any yet, I always thought "President" would probably end up as a skill in some form or another. Maybe you could replace Military Tactics with a specialized "President" skill of some kind?

    -On Noble Phantasms: I'm not really sold. Iskander's army summon was badass, but it gets really generic and forgettable really fast. And Royd's comment about the Emancipation Proclamation NP was pretty accurate. The Emancipation was key, but the fact that it dealt a crippling blow to the Confederacy seems like a weak justification to make it into a sword. I appreciate that you expanded to tie it better, but I'm still not entirely sold. I agree that Gettysburg and EmanProc are probably what he's best known for, but I think you can do a better job transforming what those documents were about into NPs.

    -If you want to stay in the Saber class, you could add a NP based around his reputation as the Railsplitter, kind of like what Arid was talking about. The other option I was playing around with in my own sheet was a Caster Lincoln was three NPs: EmanProc, Gettysburg, and one based around the Anaconda Plan. Who knows if that would have worked, but it's worth throwing out as an option.

    I think that's most of what I was going to say. Hopefully at least some of it was helpful.

  5. #7945
    Time to burn some dread Daneel Rush's Avatar
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    I - Name Unknown
    II - The Enemy
    III - Rome Under Fire
    IV - Chaos
    V - Gathering of Hunters
    VI - Cornucopia
    VII - A Reason to Die
    VIII - Interlude Around the Bonfire
    IX - The Monster at the Aventine Hill
    X - Freedom
    XI - Glory to the Demon Monster

    XII - Responsibility
    Still and severe, the three Servants watched over the whirlpool of quicksand. The ground under their feet rumbled violently along the stormy sky, as the monster struggled to escape her earthen prison. Very soon, it would succeed, and its rampage would begin anew.

    To Artoria’s right, Chiyou Caster waited patiently, her expression concealed beneath her skull headwear. To her left, Lady de Bressieux could not hide her unease beneath her intimidating armor.

    “Lady Chiyou, Your Highness, please tell me there is a plan.”

    “We holdeth her still longeth enow for the Storm King to vaporize her with her Holy Lance.”

    “With all due respect, that is a terrible plan.”

    “That it is.”

    “It is frustrating to say it, but that monster will tear me apart in a melee.”

    “That it will. I am not much more confident in mine own performance in close combat, and it wouldst maketh dram senseth for our trump card to furth’r act as the bait.”

    Artoria grunted in irritation.

    “I shall tryeth a curse of paralysis, but I hesitate to declare 'twill grant us the time we needeth. Truly, we art at a severe disadvantage.”

    “Therefore, allow me to claim the vanguard!”

    They were surprised to hear the voice, but not by its owner. Truly, it could only belong to one person. And upon turning their heads to meet the approaching figure, they came to a common understanding.

    History was written solely by her presence. An existence such that her very presence made a difference, just by being there. It was not a supernatural power—or perhaps it was—but it could not be called mere charisma.

    Beneath the mantle of night, illuminated only by the flames besieging the Eternal City, she was a crimson apparition; like a work of art hidden by its artist, finally revealed for the awe of the masses.

    Her blade gleamed. She gleamed. The fires of the burning city were reflected in her swollen eyes, filled with unshed tears. Her cheeks were painted the red of frustration, of restrained anger, of deep shame and appalling disappointment. She, who had been forced to scamper away like an animal in fear of what Banner of Chiyou could turn her into.

    But Chiyou had abandoned that city to its hopeless fate.

    Her city burned. Its walls were broken. Its people were broken, reduced to less than beasts by Chiyou’s baleful light.

    “This city will be saved! The people will be saved! This will not be Rome’s final night! I, Nero, will not allow it!”

    Stabbing the street with the tip of her blade, the emperor nodded in satisfaction at her own words.

    “Umu!”

    Artoria Lancer Alter clicked her tongue.

    “…ah, it’s the bottom-of-the-barrel Saber.”

    “That’s horrible!”

    “Hmm, forsooth, the emperor lady is rather lacking.”

    “The little one is roasting me too!”

    “Eh, eh? So she’s not good enough? Even with that strong presence?”

    “Nah, nah, she’s just good at boasting. Do not be fooled, Assassin.”

    “You people are merciless!”

    Naturally, Miss Nero’s self-esteem would not be touched by merely that much.

    ******************************

    “Your Highness, I have a question.”

    Her Its voice was somewhat smothered by the infant’s cries. It paid no heed to the nursemaids, and they gave it a wide berth while exiting the chamber. They could not see it; they could not hear its voice, but they could not deny the chilling awareness that it was there, invisible and alien. Moments later, it was alone with the queen and the baby in her arms. A warm breeze swayed and teased the sumptuous curtains, enveloping them all without ever touching them.

    “Have you gotten used to speaking in first person?”

    Incapable of understanding the royal’s mirth, it did not bother with an answer. Instead, it closed the distance to the smiling woman until they stood side to side. The child, as chillingly aware as the nursemaids earlier, found no comfort in its presence, and its crying grew louder. The queen seemed amused by this for whatever reason, but quickly undid her dress to present her naked breast to the child.

    “Why are you here, Your Highness?”

    The baby having found a better use for his mouth, the queen properly looked at it, her eyes ever warm and tranquil. The King and she were the only ones who could see it, and she was the only one who had ever showed it such eyes.

    “Why are you here, □□□□□□□□?”

    “Because I was ordered to look after Your Highness.”

    A strange murmur left the queen’s lips. For some reason, it did not like it.

    “How disappointing.”

    It was left speechless. It simply did not understand, and the moment of silence destroyed any opportunity to ask for an explanation.

    “Are you aware there are different degrees of obligation?”

    If anything, the sudden veering of their conversation rendered it even more confused. Not really expecting a reply, the queen continued.

    “There are those obligations risen out of sheer necessity: the things we have to do to ensure our very survival. Obtaining food, water, clothing and shelter; those kinds of things.”

    The queen looked out the curtained windows, her eyes roaming over the dozens of animals being tended to at the palace courtyard; animals belonging to the immense delegation from a distant land. She very well understood: that evening, it would be the foreign queen that would lay with her husband.

    “Then there are those obligations that must be fulfilled the ensure the working of human society. Laws, morals, manners; things like that.”

    She then looked down at her child.

    “To a degree, giving birth to this child was one such obligation. Our king needs a heir, and I was appointed by God to become the heir’s mother. But, I believe there is a third kind of obligation; one not related to survival as a living creature, nor as a member of a collective called humanity.”

    Her fingers softly caressed the uncaring child devoted to filling his stomach. It made her smile.

    “An obligation we all possess, solely by virtue of being human.”

    “A fundamentally human obligation…” it repeated. “Your Highness, what exactly—”

    The queen met its questioning gaze with deep, intense eyes. Firm, piercing in their resoluteness. The eyes of a warrior facing the direst battle, not a noble queen born and raised in luxury.

    “To take responsibility for our words, our decisions, and our actions. That, I believe, is the fundamental obligation of all human beings.”

    Her gaze softened when she looked down at the baby.

    “This child did not ask to be born in this world, with all its challenges and suffering. My king and I conceived him, and it is because of our decision that he is here, so small and frail and helpless.”

    She shook her head before looking back at it.

    “This child—his life, his growth—is my responsibility. I will not leave it in the hands of others. Because this child is my duty as a human being.”

    ******************************

    With an ache behind her eyes, Assassin returned to the realm of the conscious. Her body felt cold, but that was expected, exposed as she was to the elements at nighttime.

    She noticed the trails left by tears trickling down the sides of her head. She pulled her arm over her eyes, covering them both.

    “…fuck. Fuck this. Fuck everything.”

    Chiyou Assassin—no, Chiyou Beast—was long gone, assaulting Chaldea while she slumbered outside the gates of Rome. Upon awakening, the young-looking, horned Assassin was assaulted by Chiyou’s words.

    “This is all…my fault.”

    Her words lacked certainty she did not possess, but her heart achingly told her Chiyou did not lie.

    Even without remembering her identity, she had been aware from the beginning that she was not one of the good guys. A good guy would not feel such an utter, ingrained loathing towards the Master of Chaldea.

    She sighed.

    “Fuck.”

    The cold wind howled high above her head; a forgathering storm that ceaselessly teased and hinted at its calamitous fury. If the Rider Servant Chiyou summoned was who Assassin was almost entirely sure she was, then the presence of this growing storm implied she was still skulking around. But the disaster she created was the Beast, Chiyou, not that wanton witch.

    “So, what to do…?”

    She barked a hollow laugh.

    “So fucking stupid,” she muttered while leaping back to her feet. On cue, a long musket came into existence by her side. On her face, the determination of the fairest, wisest queen she had ever known.

    “There’s only one thing to do. Right, Your Highness?”

    ******************************

    “It cometh.”

    Indeed, the quicksand’s spiraling flow was slowing to a halt. As if on cue, the ground shook terribly; a single pulse of outrageous strength.

    “Umu,” murmured the red emperor, almost as if a mantra. Artoria looked at her, the one so strangely like her younger self in appearance. This was not a Heroic Spirit; this was the living emperor of Rome, gripping her great sword in a trembling hand.

    “Nero,” she spoke quietly. A second quake, as powerful as the first, almost knocked Lady de Bressieux prone.

    “Are you ready to die here?”

    The words stilled Nero completely. For a moment there, she indeed stopped breathing. Immediately after, as if the words were a spell washing over her body, she relaxed. From the crown of her head to the tip of her toes, her body ease down and settled in a comfortable poise.

    “My thanks, Lancer. I place the fate of my city—no, my world, in your hands.”

    “Hnn.”

    “This shall not beest a long battle,” declared Chiyou Caster. “That thing knoweth not restraint, and neither shouldst we if we desire to triumph.”

    “Right,” murmured the French Assassin.

    The ground shook a third time, and the quicksand simply stopped moving.

    The stormy clouds growled.

    “It cometh!”

    And the sandy ground thus exploded. Nero lunged into the conical pit, followed a step later by Caster and Assassin. Rhongomyniad began to glow a deep purple.

    Metal clashed with metal. Nero grunted, and a combination of multiple forces from several directions threw her aside. Caster made a pushing motion with both arms, and an eight-foot-tall wave of sand rose to drag Berserker away, if only for one second before exploding.

    “Guh!” Caster grunted at the futility of her spell before Berserker’s unfathomable power.

    “On it!” Nero was quick enough, and moved to intercept the monster before Caster became its prey. The ornate crimson sword met the chaotic myriad of blades one more time, and the cloud of sand created by Berserker’s return had dispersed enough for the emperor to get a proper first look at her opponent.

    Truly, no trace remained of its original human form. Submerged in the quicksand, Berserker’s body had been crushed, twisted and broken, until nothing was left of the original humanoid body but a misshapen, bloody lump of flesh and triturated bone. And from that lump erupted countless blades in every thinkable direction. There was no longer a “body”. Berserker Chiyou was merely a swarm of blades sharing a single point of origin.

    “Here stands a true monster indeed!” Nero gasped more than exclaimed. The blades moved, and so did her arms, dexterously matching the unreadable onslaught from uncountable angles.

    Needless to say; she was outmatched. How could the likes of Nero Claudius hope to equal Chiyou’s inhuman supremacy?

    She was slowly and inexorably pushed back, step by step, closing the distance to the edge of the sand pit where Artoria Lancer Alter stood, readying her mighty Noble Phantasm.

    A second sword, even larger than the emperor’s, intercepted the blow that would have destroyed Nero’s liver.

    “Miss Assassin!” exclaimed the red swordswoman.

    “Assassin!” shouted Caster Chiyou. “What art thou bethinking!? Thou art not artful enow!”

    “I know that, but neither is Her Majesty!” refuted Marguerite. “That’s why, the two of us together—!”

    To Berserker, Lady de Bressieux’s interception had been nothing special, no different from the countless parries Nero had already performed by this point. In no way did it disrupt its onslaught. One or two obstacles; it did not matter. There were plenty blades for the two of them.

    And indeed, if Nero was outmatched, Marguerite de Bressieux was not even worthy of comparison. Before Berserker’s monstrous power, they might as well have given that greatsword to one of the city’s mangy dogs. Mere seconds later, the black Assassin was pierced and slashed at least half a dozen times, and her body impaled by a spear-like outgrowth was flung over Nero’s and Caster’s heads, landing about halfway to Artoria’s emplacement.

    Caster grunted in annoyance. Nero did not react to Marguerite’s defeat; she was not allowed that privilege. Even if it was only a fraction of an instant, Marguerite had caught more of its attention than she had.

    “How! Vexing!”

    Her exclamation was accompanied by a mighty upwards swing, fierce enough to push Berserker away. Nero seized the chance to trade looks with Caster a distance behind.

    She saw in Caster’s eyes what she knew also smoldered in her own.

    The choice was made.

    Berserker charged forward; again, a wrecking ball of sharp steel. Nero leapt back to stand protectively a step ahead of Caster.

    “Ready?”

    “Umu.”

    The storm of metal fell upon the emperor and her ward with a ringing clash of blades. And the storm came to a halt, only for a moment.

    “Looks like…its existence is too inhuman…to be afflicted by…something like a curse…”

    Nero wished she could laugh at that. It was no longer possible, what with the blades piercing her lungs.

    “But…I still can…”

    Berserker’s blades were fierce and long enough. The same blades that pierced through Nero also penetrated Caster’s body. Uncaring of the blood spilling out of her mouth, Caster held to the blades spearing her. The sand beneath their feet rose slowly to grab at the protruding blades.

    “Then, I also…!”

    Nero’s words degraded into a groan even as she stabbed into the midst of the forest of blades. The red sword stabbed through unshaped flesh and further, until the tip buried itself on the sand behind it.

    And then Berserker began to move forward.

    Nero and Caster gasped out in mirrored pain as the blades dug deeper, and their gasps became howling cries when new blades erupted from the wound created by Nero’s stabbing sword. Caster struggled to sustain her magic; Nero could only put strength on the grip on her sword. But Berserker was relentlessly pushing them along on its way towards Artoria—

    Until she was stopped one more time.

    A gauntleted hand gripping the blade nearest to the ground. The other hand holding to a greatsword buried into the sand all the way to the cross-guard.

    “Not…yet…!” gasped one Marguerite de Bressieux, holding on to existence despite multiple lethal wounds. “Even if you tear me into pieces…! As long as this fight isn’t over…! I will not die…gaah!”

    Berserker cared not. Just another hassle to carry along. It continued its relentless advance; the blades not inflicting lethal punishment upon Nero and the others acting as pseudopods, wheels, and legs—whatever haphazard means of locomotion they could assemble.

    However, through the combination of spell, strength, and sheer desperation, the monster had certainly been slowed down.

    “Storm King…!” wheezed out Caster.

    Certainly, Artoria Lancer Alter had taken her time. But there was a reason.

    From her arrival to this era, she had been disconnected from the main energy source at Chaldea, courtesy of Assassin Chiyou’s Grail-powered blockade. She had been powered solely by her Master’s magical energy.

    And even he was gone at this point, only the intent empowering his last Command Spell fueling her efforts.

    She was effectively a Master-less Servant, in need of her immensely powerful and demanding Noble Phantasm.

    “This is it,” she said, solely to herself. “This is my everything.”

    She was enveloped by a storm. A furious thing of black and purple, utterly supernatural in contrast to the monstrous storm brewing in the sky above.

    “Umu. It is how it is. Rome will not fall,” concluded Nero, placing what remained of her strength to make sure Berserker could not move any faster. Sand piled further, even smothering Marguerite, who nonetheless did not let go of the single blade she could hold on to.

    “It was…an honor,” said the feeble Assassin.

    “…’twast mine.”

    The lance was lowered; its tip the mallet of judgment.

    Rhongomyniad
    Spear Shining at the End of the World
    !”

    ******************************

    It was not a silent scene. Thunder roared high above, and flames creaked in the distance, from many buildings that still burned.

    Artoria Pendragon was alone. Her weight rested on one knee; the tip of her lance stabbing the ground. Panting heavily, her Saint Graph barely sustaining cohesion.

    She was out of energy, but she had to endure a bit longer.

    She had to make sure that it was truly over.

    Rain began to fall. It was a gentle respite to the city in flames, but it only made her feel heavier.

    The roar of thunder, again.

    Then, the sound of grinding metal.

    Artoria gritted her teeth.

    A minuscule piece of shapeless flesh on the ground. Pulsating. Squirming. Writhing.

    A blade the length of a hand surged out in a burst of blood and shredded flesh.

    “One more…” Artoria murmured, as she struggled to get back on her feet. “One more shot—”

    The intense, eye-searing flash of lightning. Artoria could not see the minuscule remnant of Chiyou being speared and incinerated by the sky’s castigation, because she was victim to a second one. Artoria crumpled down, her body breaking the threshold and beginning to fall apart. Her comfort was that no trace remained of Berserker, but that only lasted until she saw what emerged in its place.

    A large, pulsating, glowing red gem—no, that was no gemstone.

    Artoria Lancer Alter understood everything, and understanding left a bitter taste in her mouth.

    It had come out of Berserker Chiyou, the one thing left after her destruction. Berserker, who had emerged upon Cacus’ defeat. Cacus was summoned by Rider…

    “A wish granter…”

    “Indeed.”

    Artoria tried to turn her face towards Rider, but a sandaled foot fell hard on the back of her head, grinding her face against the hard and wet soil. The Lancer could do nothing about it by this point, as she was already breaking down.

    “This is what Assassin Chiyou used to summon me and the others. And now it’s mine. I call it my just reward.”

    The words brought out a mocking snort out of the Storm King.

    “Fool. That thing does not belong to you. Do yourself a favor and disappear before its owner comes back for it.”

    “Hmph. Your opinion is duly noted and promptly dismissed. Now, please die.”

    With a vicious stomp, Rider hastened the inevitable, and unceremoniously ended Artoria’s existence. She was finally alone, with no company but the floating crimson artifact. There was only one thing to do.

    She laughed; a gloating, wicked, obnoxiously loud thing, and the storm clouds above responded with the rumble of thunder.

    “Finally! Finally, finally, finally! So many annoying pests in my way, but finally! It’s done!”

    Dark elation made her laugh until she had to clutch her stomach. Eventually, she did relax, her face easing into a sweet smile. Her scant clothes, now wet, clung to her skin to make an indecent image.

    “Haa…” Shaking her head, she gazed upon the mighty, yet profane light of Assassin Chiyou’s “Grail”.

    “This whole thing was just too annoying.”

    It took her moments after she was summoned to figure out her place and her plan. She did not even think of acting against Assassin Chiyou, so she groveled and obeyed, all for the purpose of being the last Servant standing.

    “And now, it’s just you and me, darling,” the femme in the garb of an exotic dancer sauntered closer to the floating, gem-like artifact. Her smile widened, revealing rows of pearly teeth, as her eyes shone with manic glee.

    “Even if it’s a world that’s falling apart, until the day everything breaks down, this world is my playground—”

    Blood was spilled mightily when a musket shot blew right through the hand reaching for the crimson “Grail”.

    Lightning flashed, falling mighty close. Thunder roared, as if echoing Rider’s screams of pain. Obscenities poured out of her mouth, the gleeful luster of her eyes replaced with an inhuman glow.

    “I’d be grateful if you kept your slutty hands off my stuff. God knows where those hands have been.”

    The nameless, horned Assassin pursed her lips at the baleful glare she got in response. A second later, she had moved a dozen yards to the side, just before lightning fell on the very spot she had been standing on. Rider growled at her failure.

    “You’re an open book right now, bitch,” taunted Assassin, her trusty musket resting on her shoulder.

    “You…how are you still alive!?”

    “Turns out I’m decent at the whole ‘staying alive’ thing. Who’d have thought?” Assassin bluffed without an iota of shame. “But, really, hands off my stuff. Well, I guess it’s just ‘hand’ now. Not apologizing for that.”

    Rider breathed heavily. Once, twice, and one final time. With each expiration, she contained the rage irradiated, pulling it back into the depths of herself as she eased down her posture and settled down into a cool, steeled expression. In any case, the storm above their heads expressed her inner fury just as eloquently.

    “…fine. I guess it would have been too easy, after all. Can’t earn my reward before doing some actual work, alright.”

    The air around Rider began to circulate unnaturally, growing in violence as if aiming to match the powerful storm raring high in the sky.

    “You are saying you want this back, little demon?” She said, using her non-mangled hand to gesture toward the floating artifact.

    “Well, go fuck yourself.”

    Assassin sighed inwardly. Then again, she had not really expected a peaceful solution to this. Conjuring a second musket into her free left hand, and doing her best to ignore the uncomfortable weight of her soaked clothes, she steeled herself for the beginning of violence.

    “Yeah, whatever. Bring it on, Bitch of Guernsey.”
    Servant Introduction
    Faceclaim

    Source: Artwork by gods
    Chiyou (Berserker)

    The embodiment of fear. The original bogeyman.
    The unstoppable monster, turned into the foundation of civilization.

    Class: Berserker
    Parameters:
    STR A+
    END EX
    AGI A
    MGI B
    LUK D
    Noble Phantasm A

    Height & Weight: 156 cm, 61.5 kg
    Source: Chinese mythology
    Region: China
    Alignment: Chaotic Insane
    Gender: Female
    Attribute: Earth

    Unstoppable. Unbreakable. Unbeatable.
    Before you stands the truest Berserker.
    If she is on your side, praise the gods for your good fortune.
    If she stands against you, then you are already dead.
    Biography
    What else could the Berserker aspect of Chiyou possibly represent? This is the monster, the demon; the seemingly unstoppable horror at the pinnacle of the Chinese Age of Gods. Chiyou was the bringer of disorder, violence, bloodshed and all sorts of vile things. This Servant is a true monster: an artificial creation built based on “the fear Chiyou instilled on those who witnessed her”.

    According to the legend, it was because of Chiyou that the ancestors of the Chinese learned to fear what humans could do to each other. Upon vanquishing his greatest enemy, the Yellow Emperor made sure to instill in the people the idea that this would not be the end of violence in their lives. That the ideas Chiyou’s creation had conjured in people’s minds would never disappear. That people who chose to rely on violence would appear again and again, and therefore the means to keep them at bay were necessary. The fear of Chiyou and others like Chiyou became the lure that drew the people to the Yellow Emperor’s leadership, and to accept his rule of law.

    Chiyou thus became a political tool. Her legend was carefully manufactured to depict her as a monster; an evil that had to be put down. Her original appearance was erased from the records, so she was turned into a many-armed demonic beast. The implements of violence and death she created became the tools of the state to prevent and stop those who challenged the new social order. She became a necessary evil, in that the memory of her terrifying power had to remain in people’s hearts, so that they understood that the system that governed them was necessary.

    What else is left to say? This is a Berserker true and through. She is uncontrollable and unstoppable. Communication is impossible. She is governed by the simple imperative to destroy everything in her path. A feral beast that cannot be leashed; just set her loose and get the hell away, unless you want to be the first to die.
    Skills & Noble Phantasm
    Class Skills
    Mad Enhancement – A
    The Class Skill that characterizes a Berserker, raising basic parameters in exchange of hindering mental capacities. In some cases, it also affects and/or seals away some techniques, Personal Skills and Noble Phantasms. Rank up for all parameters, but takes away most of sanity.

    At this point, rather than a mad, rampaging monster, she is an unfeeling machine; a golem programmed with a single imperative of destruction.


    Personal Skills
    Banner of Chiyou – B
    The Skill that symbolizes Berserker’s position as the embodiment of violence, bloodshed and warfare. Her very presence stirs the blood of those with a propensity towards conflict, eliciting a vicious rage comparable to Mad Enhancement up to the same rank. The more violent the victim’s nature, the more powerfully it will be immersed in madness.

    It is hard to explain her rank in this Skill. The working hypothesis among her sisters is that it is not higher because Berserker simply is both unaware and uncaring of the fact she has this Skill. She cannot willingly express herself as the Harbinger of Chaos like Assassin does, so she doesn’t get to use this ability at its fullest.

    Eye of the Mind (Origin) – A-
    The innate talent to perform the optimal actions in battle, not as an additional, well-honed sense of intuition or prescience, but deeply engraved into the foundation of one’s existence. Mastery of the battlefield through supreme artificial design, tempered by experience in the harshest battlefields of the Age of Gods. The most natural, yet unnatural form of instinct. At this rank, no degree of mental hindrance could prevent Berserker from seeing through the enemy’s weapon and technique.

    Chiyou is the Iron Emperor, Sovereign Over All Armaments. The madness of the Berserker class cannot take that from her. Even if her conscious mind is out of commission, her body and her very soul know weapons better than anybody else on this planet. On the other hand, this also means that she receives no benefit from this Skill when fighting an unarmed opponent, or when fighting an opponent wielding firearms.

    Jĭao Dĭ– E
    Literally, “horn butting”. The earliest Chinese term for wrestling, and the oldest form of Chinese Martial Arts, also called “Chiyou Xi”. It refers to the use of horned headgear in resemblance of Chiyou to butt, gore, knock down and thus defeat the enemy. Legend states that this original martial art developed by Chiyou and her followers was institutionalized by the Yellow Emperor for the instruction of the state army, and later became a form of sport, from which it evolved into the countless forms of wrestling and martial arts in China—it is for this reason that the Yellow Emperor is recognized as the inventor of Chinese Martial Arts, even if Chiyou was the original user—history written by the victor and all that.

    At this rank, it cannot even be called technique. Berserker will not use the magnificent techniques of this ancient style, but the physical foundation is engraved in her body. This is what Berserker unconsciously relies on the moment she loses her grip on her weapon, and the basis for her unconventional movements after her Noble Phantasm comes into effect.

    Nature of a Rebellious Spirit – B
    The temperament to never remain at one location and never embrace a lord. A wandering star that does not have the capacity to be king nor is capable of finding his own king. Negates the effects of Charisma with the same rank.

    Chiyou is the embodiment of rebellion, the original troublemaker in Chinese mythology. Her foundation as a villain is rejection not of lords, but of lordship and law themselves. If anything, she deserves the highest possible rank in this Skill. However, the Archer, Lancer, and Caster aspects of Chiyou do exist, so rank-down it is.



    Noble Phantasm
    Dāorèn Fènnù
    Wrath of Blades at Zhuolu

    Rank: A
    Type: Anti-Unit
    Range: 0
    Maximum Targets: 1 target (self)

    Her body is made of weapons.

    The legend narrates that once Chiyou was captured, the Yellow Emperor sealed his victory by beheading her. However, this was not enough—the detached head did not give up the fight, and the headless body struggled against its bindings. So, the dragon Ying Long chopped the body into many pieces, and the pieces were scattered throughout the land into just as many shrines, so that they could not reassemble again. It is said that, while transporting the pieces of Chiyou to their final resting places, countless blades blossomed out of the bloody pieces of flesh, never ceasing to shed blood and reap lives long after Chiyou should have stopped fighting. One of those afflicted by Chiyou’s last feat of defiance was Ying Long, who by being made to bleed was condemned to remain bound forever to this Side of the World.

    This is the manifestation of Chiyou’s nigh-unstoppable defiance, as well as her unbreakable nature, that allowed her impossible body to keep up the fight even after death claimed her; a variation of Chiyou Saber’s Noble Phantasm, also constantly active, but twisted into its most brutal form. Projecting countless weapons not through the mind and the heart, but through the body. The true form of Berserker is closer to that of an unbreakable golem; a nigh-immortal simulacrum made of iron, copper and bronze, with an external human appearance. Saber somewhat jokingly summarizes it as “Battle Continuation EX + Magic Resistance EX”.

    Berserker feels pain, but wholly ignores it, and every wound she takes makes her stronger. Blades of all shapes and sizes blossom haphazardly out of those wounds, at the same time tempered metal replaces the damage tissue. The more she is damaged, the more her body of flesh and bone is replaced with magically enhanced iron and bronze, wrapped in an omnidirectional phalanx of blades jutting out of her anatomy. From a deranged beast to a wrecking pincushion of metal; Chiyou’s rampage only grows more absurd, more dangerous and more relentless the more damage she takes. That body of steel—for even her mind will shut down long before her body gives up the fight—is a true juggernaut; ignoring all damage, alien to pause or mercy.

    That body of blades cannot be destroyed through conventional means. Piercing the heart is not enough. Quartering is not enough. Cutting off the head is not enough. Even if her brain is destroyed, the Noble Phantasm remains active, and her body can keep moving. It probably takes something on the level of an anti-fortress Noble Phantasm—something that breaks apart the metal and reduces that body to dust.
    Last edited by Daneel Rush; October 5th, 2017 at 10:42 AM.

  6. #7946
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Um, I think the same thing happened with your formatting that often happens when I try to post sheets, though I generally manage to catch it before submitting.

  7. #7947
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    A formatting problem? It happened all the time for me, it's one of the reason why I posted the Hippolytus sheet twice back then.

  8. #7948
    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Lincoln: Well, it's certainly better then before anyways. His NPs are at least fleshed out now, even if the first one is an Ionian Hetairoi knock-off and the second is a patriotism flavored beam-sword. Its effects being a slight nod to Rule Breaker is a nice touch, as the idea of cutting off/weakening a Servant's contract with their Master is at least a decent interpretation of the abolition of slavery.

    However, a lot of other things are still rather iffy, particularly the absolutely insane A++ ranked Strength (I'd love to hear how Abraham Lincoln is apparently as strong as the freaking Minotaur now). Military Tactics at rank B also seems too high. He may have been a great general, but saying he's at the level of Alexander the Great is seriously pushing it.

    B-ranked Charisma is fine, though you should probably make some reference to how he was actually one of the most unpopular presidents while he was alive and in power, due to how much he angered southerners and slave-owners. Bravery is also fine, though hella' generic. I think you should probably bring back the flavor-text it had before, if only to flesh it out a bit.

    Overall, it's a good attempt for one of your first sheets, but there's definitely a fair deal that needs improvement.
    Good to know in regards to both. I will try to do just that, when I get the chance.

    As I said, I made that for an RP over at Spacebattles.

    You should see my Dick Turpin sheet. God, is that a hard nut to make work.

  9. #7949
    Okay, so, Lincoln had been edited. How does he look now?

  10. #7950
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Servant Lancer:

    Appearance:


    True Name: Memnon "Beloved of Dawn"

    Alignment: Lawful Neutral

    Alternate Class: Saber

    Strength- C
    Agility- B+
    Endurance- B
    Mana- B
    Luck- C
    NP- A+

    Personality
    Lancer appears to be a laid-back and lazy person, who prefers just to lounge around and watch the sun rise rather than fight wars or run a country. However his true fighting spirit shines brightly on the battlefield, relishing the adrenaline rush that comes from fighting strong foes. He is also a bit of a Casanova, shamelessly flirting with attractive women even if they happen to be his sworn enemies.

    Lancer does not regret his death at the hands of Achilles- holding only the fondest memories of their mortal duel- and lacks any particular desire for the Holy Grail. He only accepts summoning for the chance to enjoy the modern world and its various pleasures, as well as to fight other worthy opponents. In the event he actually obtains the Grail, Lancer would probably wish for a rematch with Achilles, the only hero who ever equalled him in battle.

    Likes: taking it easy, his mother, watching the sun rise
    Dislikes: needless effort, people who don't know how to chill
    Talent: conserving effort
    Natural Enemy: Achilles



    Class Skills:

    Magic Resistance- B
    Power to neutralize the effects of Magecraft used against oneself. Spells with a chant below three verses are cancelled, proving difficult to affect even by the likes of High Thaumaturgy or Greater Rituals. Though he wasn't described as battling sorcery in life, Lancer's status as a great warrior blessed by numerous gods has granted him a high resistance nevertheless.


    Personal Skills:

    Divinity- A
    Qualifies one's aptitude as a Divine Spirit. Son of the Titaness of the dawn Eos, Lancer would normally boast a B-rank worthy of a demigod. His rank has been further raised due to a later tradition identifying Lancer as the father of the Norse god of thunder Thor.

    Familiars (Memnonides)- C
    Lancer can call on familiars in the form of large jet-black birds to assist him, either to attack his foes or to scout out the battlefield from afar. These birds represent his former soldiers who, overcome with grief over the great hero's death, transformed into birds so as to watch over and guard his tomb for eternity.

    Affections Of The Dawn- B
    Affection is from his mother, the queen of dawn Eos. When fighting in dawn-hours Lancer obtains a rank-up to all parameters other then Luck and Mana, that lasts until full sunrise.

    Charisma- C
    The ability to inspire others, and lead armies. Lancer was said to be the king of Ethiopia as well as a valiant warrior. However, the diplomatic side of his legend is not nearly as well outlined as his achievements in battle, meaning that this Skill's rank is not as high as it could be.


    Noble Phantasms
    Eosphorus
    Ever-Guiding Star Of Dawn


    Rank: B++

    Type: Anti-Army/Anti-Fortress

    Lancer's accolades in battle and his divine favor from the goddess of the dawn interwoven into a Noble Phantasm, crowned with the name of the morning star that invites the dawn. A long and elegant spear, with a blade that seems to be forged from highly polished glass. Light is constantly gathered and refracted around the blade, wreathing it in rosy hues.

    Invoked by name, the spear emits a ray of blinding light that cuts and burns away everything it touches. This is a highly focused attack, lacking the wide-reaching destructive power of most Noble Phantasms of its type. However it more then makes up for that in sheer piercing power, capable of vaporizing several dozen feet of solid rock with ease.

    When scaled up in size to be wielded by his mecha form, the output and destructive power of this Noble Phantasm increase massively. A single blast becomes capable of vaporizing an entire mountain face and reducing whole battlefields to ashen wastelands. Needless to say, this is not an ability to be used recklessly.


    Thorákisi Tou Ifaístou
    Like A Giant He Fought


    Rank: A+

    Type: Support/Anti-Army

    The bronze armor of Hephaestus given to Lancer for his final battle with the hero Achilles. As god-forged armor its defensive attributes are naturally at the highest level, making Lancer invulnerable to all attacks below C-rank while wearing it. However this armor's true power lies in another anecdote altogether. In Lancer's final battle against Achilles (who wore similar armor) it was said that Zeus loved both warriors so much that he granted them the ability to become as huge as fearsome gods or Titans so the entire battlefield could witness their heroic clash.

    In truth, it was not Lancer himself who grew in size but his armor. Mechanical armor built by the legendary forge-god Hephaestus, it holds a secret function which allows the armor to expand and transform into a gigantic mecha. Lancer himself rests at the very center, commanding the newly transformed armor from within a cockpit located in its chest.

    Despite its size the armor is surprisingly agile, able to propel itself across the battlefield at great speed through special steam-vents located in its ankles. Similar vents line the arms with the biggest one over its chest. This can also be used offensively, blasting Lancer's foes with jets of scalding steam that can melt through stone like butter.

    Lancer's first Noble Phantasm- Eosphorus, is also enlarged to be wielded in his now gigantic state, vastly increasing its range and destructive power. Simply his size alone makes Lancer tremendously dangerous; supplemented with the armor's titanic strength and endurance he becomes an enemy rivalled only by the strongest Heroic Spirits. However this is at the same time the armor's greatest weakness, as it basically paints a huge target on Lancer's back that all but assures the remaining Servants will unite against him until he is defeated.

    The mecha burns through Lancer's Mana at a tremendous pace while active, meaning that it can only be maintained for around ten minutes. Once Lancer no longer has the Mana to sustain it, the mecha will automatically shrink back and return to its original state as armor, likely leaving Lancer far too exhausted to continue combat.



    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I'd kept this sheet under wraps for a few days in the hopes of using it for the new Servant contest, but it doesn't fit the theme now so I might as well post it up here. As always, be sure to drop by with comments and criticisms!
    Last edited by RoydGolden; July 3rd, 2018 at 11:50 PM. Reason: Changed FC

  11. #7951
    please talk to me about your OCs Saron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post

    True Name: Memnon
    Well that's one way to turn a Gundam into a Servant.

    Overall the skills and Noble Phantasms are unique, and work with his legend, and I especially love the idea of him becoming a mecha and the power to shoot "frickin laser beams" out his spear.

    Overall it's awesome, but I do question on whether this guy is a tad OP with the mecha and spear combo.
    My thirst for Antonio grows by the second.

    Man...

    I Make Servants, Some Of Which Are Tragedies

  12. #7952
    死徒(上級)Greater Dead Apostle Alexcoene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saron View Post
    Well that's one way to turn a Gundam into a Servant.

    Overall the skills and Noble Phantasms are unique, and work with his legend, and I especially love the idea of him becoming a mecha and the power to shoot "frickin laser beams" out his spear.

    Overall it's awesome, but I do question on whether this guy is a tad OP with the mecha and spear combo.
    You think a big guy with a spear's OP? His opponent was freakin' Achilles.

  13. #7953
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Hmm, mecha and spear combo? It just occurred to me that this guy could also be a rival for Sengoku Basara's Honda Tadakatsu...

    And yeah, I admit to writing up this guy in part because I found the whole idea of ancient Greek transforming mech armor to be amusing. The fight between him and Europa's Talos would be glorious to see, that's for sure.

  14. #7954
    please talk to me about your OCs Saron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexcoene View Post
    You think a big guy with a spear's OP? His opponent was freakin' Achilles.
    Surprised no one thought of making him step on thumbtacks
    My thirst for Antonio grows by the second.

    Man...

    I Make Servants, Some Of Which Are Tragedies

  15. #7955
    後継者 Successor zikari8's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alexcoene View Post
    You think a big guy with a spear's OP? His opponent was freakin' Achilles.
    Not to mention, Achilles also turned giant for the fight. Poor guy never stood a chance.


  16. #7956
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saron View Post
    Surprised no one thought of making him step on thumbtacks
    That's be a fair question for the original myth maybe, but in my version he was piloting a giant bronze robot, not just a giant-sized person. Thumb-tacks ain't going to do much.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by zikari8 View Post
    Not to mention, Achilles also turned giant for the fight. Poor guy never stood a chance.
    Nah, he's happy this way. Hard to have a worthy fight when you're like a hundred times bigger then the opposition...

  17. #7957
    So Many Ideas, So Little Time SleepMode's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zikari8 View Post
    Not to mention, Achilles also turned giant for the fight. Poor guy never stood a chance.
    So the Greeks essentially created the first Kaiju fight.
    The Act of dozing off in the afternoon is a luxury indeed.
    Coffee would be nice, though.

    [Collection of my Servant Sheets]
    Now Revamped!

  18. #7958
    please talk to me about your OCs Saron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SleepMode View Post
    So the Greeks essentially created the first Kaiju fight.
    Sounds about right.
    My thirst for Antonio grows by the second.

    Man...

    I Make Servants, Some Of Which Are Tragedies

  19. #7959
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SleepMode View Post
    So the Greeks essentially created the first Kaiju fight.
    First Kaiju fight in Greek myth was probably the Gigantomachy or something like that, actually.

  20. #7960
    love warrior <3 world-0 the god of world-0's Avatar
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    What do you guys think would be the np classification of the wild hunt?


    here is a list of my servant sheets(new and improved format for my servant sheets)

    Come explore the White Library, and reach the bottom of this Abyss
    Fate / White Memoria

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