Chaldea’s one-week old tavern maid café, “Maid in Heaven”.
It wasn’t ten minutes after she was summoned that Chaldea’s latest Servant made the announcement.
“I’m opening a maid café!”
It was open for all residents of the last stronghold of humanity, but it quickly became a popular nighttime spot seemingly exclusive to Servants. Even the King of Heroes frequented the place, having acknowledged its service as worthy and without flaw. And it was at its doorstep that the Master of Chaldea stood with his faithful sidekick kouhai, Matthew Kyrielite. The place was crowded as usual; in fact, he could only see a single free table on the very center, bathed by the cone of light of a single potent lamp in contrast with the umbral surroundings full of adult feeling. What a strange setup.
“Ah! Master! Tonight is truly wonderful, for this one to be blessed with your patronage!”
Twintails and frills danced with lovely flutter, as the mistress of the bar pretty much teleported before the newly arrived couple.
“A table is ready for you, Master. Please, warmly look forward to your loving Maid’s perfect service!”
The pair greeted those on the other tables with curt nods as they made their way to the center of the lounge. The Servant released the tiniest gasp when her senpai pulled the chair for her, surprising even himself. Then again, the white tablecloth, the pinpointed lighting and the thin glass vase with a single red rose on the very center of the table somehow flicked a strange gentlemanly switch in him. Matthew herself was a blushing wreck—the poor thing could not stand being the center of attention, or so he assumed. He shot halfhearted glares at the Servants all around them, but he only got strange and disturbing grins and a catcall from Iskander of all people.
They sat down, and then they watched. You would not know it before setting foot into that place; it could be enlightening, frightening, disturbing or just plain amusing, but a visit to that bar was always an experience worth living and reliving.
It took Chaldea’s Master mere moments to figure out that the night’s events this time would lean on the “weird” side of the spectrum. It started when a hand lashed out of the corner where the Roman Servants had gathered, stopping the Maid on her way from delivering the latest round of drinks. The fiery-haired woman, never losing her placid smile, set her divine gaze upon the aggressor.
“How may I of service, venerable master?”
There was a sharp silence, as the customers watched the proceedings with caution. While the Maid could definitely take care of herself, nobody wanted trouble to befall their latest hotspot.
“Rome…is confused,” confessed the Servant Lancer, Romulus, while slowly letting go of the Maid’s arm.
The Maid smiled.
“…I see,” because of course she did. A glance at the other Servants sharing the huge L-shaped couch opened a space for her to sit next to the ancient founder. “Rome may ask.”
“…are you Roma?”
The other Servants eased down and went back to their own enjoyment, assuming it was just another display of Romulus’ unique mindset; nothing to worry about.
“It is not proper, but I will answer with a question. What is Roma?”
“Everything that is great and good.”
“Wrong,” mercilessly declared the Maid. “Rome may be eternal, but it had a beginning. I know this because I am looking at it.”
Romulus grunted, as if bothered by the flawlessness of that logic. He looked down, at his powerful hands, before facing the unflappable Maid once more.
“That…is certainly true, but,” said the founder-king before a brief pause. “When Roma gazes upon you, and this place you have created…”
Again, he hesitated. Or rather, he was not confident of his own words.
“This is clearly a building in Chaldea, yet it feels like Rome. A great tree, that encompasses all great things.”
The Maid smiled tenderly, her expression full of love and understanding. Ignoring the uncertain gazes of Caesar and Nero, she turned her body on the couch to fully face Romulus.
“I am a goddess of alcohol; the goddess of the vineyard at the edge of eternity, standing alone at the Throne of the Sea, watered by four streams. I am fire, water, earth, and plants; life, growth and wisdom. If your beloved Rome represents greatness itself, then I am the humble Maid that awaits at the river’s shore to nurture the growth of the great.”
The king’s eyes glowed with comprehension, and his jaw slackened upon finding a meaning in the Maid’s explanation that eluded the minds of the other people present.
“…Larentia…”
The Maid giggled, and to the awe of all the present, lovingly stroke the crimson emperor’s cheek.
“That is, indeed, one of my countless aspects. So be at ease, for this place is your home.”
“Larentia!”
“Ahaha…” the Maid’s affable laugh became a little strained as she found herself caught in Romulus’ powerful arms. “I’d ask to be called Siduri-chan, but I guess I would be wasting my time…”
“Larentia!”
“Um, um! Hold me to your heart’s content, crimson child!”
“RRRRRRROOOOOOOOMMMAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
The Maid was not even slightly winded by the glorious shout at point-blank.
“Ahahahaha! MMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIDDD!!!”
“What,” uttered Gaius Julius Caesar, but a wordless gesture from his Master told him to just let it be.
***///***
The motherly tone and smile directed towards Romulus was replaced with the vestal allure of a young, coquettish maiden. Even her long Victorian dress was replaced by a sinfully short miniskirt. Then again, her current customer left even less to the imagination, so Siduri looked prudish in comparison.
“My heart throbs with gratitude and delight for the gift of your patronage, Mistress Shuten,” saluted the Maid as space around her rippled and parted to reveal a magnificent golden chalice, adorned with an exorbitant number of beautiful gems.
“For a lady of tastes unparalleled in exquisiteness, a personal blend full of delicate sweetness and sizzling spiciness. I assure you, mistress, that it will ignite your blood and moisten your loins.”
They were in a magical place, and the sweet and spicy aroma of the liquor as it was poured filled the entire bar and enthralled those present with its uniqueness. Dozens of different scents from just as many plates and cups competed for the attention and delight of the Servants (and Master) without losing their individual distinctiveness.
Shutendouji went along with the performance, taking her sweet time swirling her delicate cup, closing her eyes and taking a minute sniff before pouring the first swig for the evaluation of her palate. Almost a minute or so later, she took a deep breath before opening her eyes.
“Magnificence.” Her husky sigh did not make the slightest ripple on the liquid before her lips. “You outdo yourself night after night, Siduri.”
“Your words are more than I deserve, Mistress Shuten,” the Maid replied. Her overly courteous bow also made for a hell of a service shot for pretty much everyone else.
“But, this is truly…” the oni continued even as she partook of further sips. “My senses have sharpened, and my body is burning is energy begging for release. My, my…just what am I going to do?”
Siduri shrugged. “If I may suggest, how about that charming golden trembling in the corner?”
Shutendouji slid her lips along the rim of her cup, her teasing tongue catching a stray drop of that wonderful liquor.
“While a delightful prospect on most days, I doubt even he could keep up with me now that I have been awakened by this wondrous brew of yours.”
Viperine eyes laid on the primordial Maid as if appraising her.
“…I might be obligated to ask you to take responsibility, Siduri.”
“Doki-doki, waku-waku—yeowch! Matthew!”
Ignoring the overly teenaged Master and his overly cautious kouhai, Siduri raised her leg to plant on the edge of her customer’s seat, looming over the oni like a dragon looking down on a common beast.
“While a delightful prospect on this and any other day, that would incapacitate Mistress Shuten to an unacceptable degree. Master would certainly not approve of such a frivolous misuse of his combat assets.”
“Master doesn’t mind at all!” the Master in question enthusiastically declared, to the roaring laughter of the male audience plus Queen Medb. “Really, not in slightest! I couldn’t mind any less! If I did I’d probably devolve to a lesser species.”
“Master, your latest words already put you at the level of a lesser species.”
“Sadistic Maid Siduri-chan, ktkr!”
The Maid in question rolled her eyes at her all-too-male Master’s antics. Shutendouji, who had lifted an eyebrow at the Maid’s audacity, met the goddess’ gaze with plenty of cheek and allure.
“That kind of challenge only make me wonder: how delightful would it be to devour you, Siduri?”
“My dear Mistress Shuten, that feeble body of yours cannot take even half of me.”
Maid and oni saw nothing but each other; the meeting of their eyes speaking far more than their challenging words. Until the person who did not give a damn about the two women’s innuendo made her voice heard.
“Yah, yah, that’s great and everything, but where’s my food?”
With an explosion of colorful lights and scattered petals coming out of nowhere, Siduri’s uniform changed into a short-skirted red kimono, as if the sexual objectification of the classical Victorian maid weren’t enough for her.
“Right here, Mistress Ibaraki! A sumptuous meal worthy of your boisterous appetite!”
Ibarakidouji’s eyes gleamed at the sight of a massive slice of roasted meat that threatened to slide off the table. Shutendouji’s own popped out a little at the sheer size and girth of the thing, even as her nostrils were attacked by a bombardment of spices both familiar and unknown. By the time she shook the daze out of her head, Ibarakidouji was already stuffing herself with meat while squealing and stomping the floor without restraint.
“What is this!? Siduri, what is this meat!?”
“E-hen!” The proud Maid crossed her arms and puffed out her chest. “You are enjoying a piece of the haunch of the Bull of Heaven, seasoned with a collection of personal spices that only grow on the other side of a certain layer.”
“Scary! That meal’s so high-level it becomes plain scary!”
“Se-Senpai! Terrifying as it is, please calm down!”
“Ahahahaha!” Siduri’s wide grin revealed sharp fangs. “I feel the King of Heroes’ passionate gaze! How thrilling!”
Indeed, a somewhat-amused-looking Gilgamesh watched the Maid while he waited for his sister to pour him a new cup of divine-class wine.
“You do realize I am an aspect of Inanna, right? Your friend threw it away; it would be a waste not to use it.”
“You waste your breath on pointless excuses, maid. Why are you not serving your King?”
“Oh, but Your Majesty, the wine now in your cup does not come from your Treasury.”
Gilgamesh looked down at his golden cup, then at Enmebaragesi who could only shrug, and then back at the Maid who sent him a cheeky wink before moving on to the next customers.
“Dear Master, I’ve made you wait too long,” she said as she walked towards the center of her kingdom. “Your patience warms my hea—uwah!”
“Hawa!”
Maid and Demi-Servant released similar noises when the flawless virginal alewife trip on her own feet and landed hands and face flat on Matthew’s plentiful chest. Iskander and his booze buddies for the night, El-Melloi III and the Lancer-class Cú Chulainn, clapped their appreciation of the show.
“Um, you okay, Siduri-chan?” An unusually composed Master then asked.
“Peachy!” mumbled the Maid from the depths of Shielder’s bosom, triggering a rather enticing squeal from the girl. “Was Master impressed by the flawless performance of Clumsy Maid Siduri-chan—whoa!”
“Wha-what is it?”
“Umu…mu-mu-mu…”
“Uh, um…Siduri-chan-san? Could you please get off…?”
“Wha-wha, what is this sweet and nostalgic aroma!?”
“Don’t say I smell!” said Matthew perhaps a little too quickly.
“Ah, I see! Of course!” Siduri’s voice, still muffled by Matthew’s body, was nonetheless potent enough. “I am the Maid Siduri, who lives at the other side of the twin peaks of Mashu!”
“Eh?”
“In other words, the road home lies beyond these mounds!”
“Eeeeeeeeehhh!?”
“With all! My spirit! Here I go!”
“Se-senpai!” cried Matthew perhaps a little too desperately.
“TADAIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
“Senpaaaaaaaaiiiii!!!”
Originally Posted by RoydGolden
