"Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"
(Check out my Super Special Awesome Servant Compendium here)
Any help is appreciated. Thanks a lot, Skull!
AWAKEN MY RULERS
...Really? Fine, if you insist...
First off your text is as bad as usual, causing me physical pain simply through the act of reading it. You could go full-meta in the future and make a sheet of a torturer that is almost literal torture to sift through. But I digress, so on to Tugarin.
Tugarin
- Parameters are all over the place. Dragon-ish or not, his physical parameters deviate quite a bit from Archer's usual line of Cs. Also, why is his NP EX?
- Though I'll spare myself and won't read much of the background, there had to have been a surprising amount of dragons around for there to be a damned clan of dragon-hunters. Dragon Kind in the Nasuverse are also a Big Thing, so a dedicated bunch of people would've probably popped up somewhere had they existed.
- Absurd Riding, but no mount. Neat. Also Magic Resistance is waaaay too high for a figure from the 10th century.
- Every Skill has a unique name for some reason, and I don't want to read the actual effects for fear of what little of my sanity will remain after this post leaving me. Anyway, judging by the length of the descriptions, they're blatantly overpowered (and probably have the effects of several already-existing Servants' NPs each). Also, Uncrowned Martial Arts shouldn't have a rank.
- Randomly ranked NPs. As I understand it, Noble Phantasms in general are ranked according to their effectiveness, so all of these are kinda more destructive than one would expect from a footnote like Tugarin. Aaand I'm stopping halfway through the first NP, can't take any more.
Dante
- There's that EX ranked NP parameter again... I'd probably lower his Agi too, given that this is a Renaissance era Caster and his physical parameters are already higher than the Caster container's.
- So Dante is randomly a grandmaster of the Knights Templar (I especially "like" him getting the authority of 'one grandmaster' - implying they had more than one at the time). Of course, you might mean something sane with these lines, but you might also want to write what you mean, rather than the borderline gibberish that currently occupies the background.
- Familiars have Servant Skills for some reason (and more than most Servants have in the first place). Vergil was a wizard rather than a poet. Dante has medical skills despite enrolling in the Physicians' and Apothecaries' Guild because he literally had to join some guild to have clout (and he manages to have B++ without a single mention of training - what a natural).
- And golly, if it isn't more overpowered Noble Phantasms. And since both NPs appear to give him more powers than an average Grail War of Servants would have, you might just want to try and limit the effects to a few somehow connected effects in the future. You might also consider examining that spot in the alphabet between 'A' and 'E(X)' more closely. It contains fascinating letters that might serve to make future Servants seem a little less overpowered.
So, evaluation time:
Tugarin: I guess it could be made workable if you didn't insist on making everything so overpowered. You might also want to read more on the Nasuverse's lore.
Dante Alighieri: At least he wasn't a Lancer. That's about the only positive thing I can say.
In fact, Koga, given your penchant for making overpowered Servants, I'm issuing a challenge to you:
Try to do a Servant that is as weak as possible. I don't mean that you should nerf whatever poorof your choosing into the ground, but simply consider what their legend contains and then make the sheet... Appropriate, I guess? If at all possible, you should aim at making a sheet where B is the highest rank (outside of key Skills or something) visible in the ranks.victimhistorical/mythological figure
The rest are valid criticisms, but there's actually a ton of medieval legends depicting Virgil as a sorcerer. Here's a particularly good example. While written much later, it draws from a lot of actual medieval legends.
It's been a year, and everything about her is already revealed already so I figure to post her here. How much she grows from a sheet that I quickly made into my favorite character ever. Ability is pretty much the same with the original, but get fleshed out in description quite a bit, I guess that's how perfect she is in my own mind. Also expanding her character too, like a lot.
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"There is no need to worry, as long I'm here, there is no place you can't go to ✩!"
Class
Rider Epithet
The First Circumnavigator (Sort Of) Identity
Ferdinand Magellan Origin
Historical Facts; Portugal and Spain Height/Weight
167cm/50kg Alignment
Neutral Good Attribute
Man
STR AGI END MANA LCK NP D C B D E~A A
Armament/Class Skill/Personal Skill
Noble Phantasm
Character/Attitude/Speech/Lore/Depiction
Relationships
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Warning: very crude writing ahead!
expression sheet and other cringey things
Author's Note and other extra stuff
Last edited by Spartacus; March 31st, 2019 at 06:53 AM. Reason: semanticism -> semantics
Speaking of Zoroastrianism... is this enough EX-es?
The root, the Meta-Existence which exists above everything in this universe.
There is no word to describe its awe-inspiring all-encompassing might.
If all of humanity knew to bow down before it and accept its might, there would finally be world peace...
Such a thing will never exists, it is my fault, MY FAULT ,MY FAULT, MY FAULT, THE WORLD NEEDS SOMEBODY LIKE ME, BUT IF I DON'T WANT TO EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE WHATS THE POINT!? THATS RIGHT, THERE IS NO POINT, TO FIX MY MISTAKE I WOULD HAVE TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME-13.7 BILLION YEARS AGO AT THE TIME WHERE NOTHING EXISTED AND EVERYTHING WAS CREATED IN AN INSTANT, EVEN NOW I CANNOT MUSTER UP THE COURAGE TO DO IT, I CANNOT DO IT BUT I KNOW I MUST!
This is the pain of Regret! a Sin! Remember this Master of Chaldea.
ADVENT BEAST
EVIL OF MAN MANIFESTS
BEAST V - REGRET
Faceclaim
True Name: Ahura Mazda
Sin: Regret [The very action of regretting the imperfectness of you actions]
Alignment: Chaotic/Lawful/Neutral-Good
Gender: Masculine in Nature only, the concept of gender doesn't apply to him
Known also as Beast of Alaya
STR: A++
END: A++
AGI A++
MNA: EX
LCK: E-
NP: EX
Class Skills
Personal Skills
Noble Phantasm
Personality
Notes
Last edited by massive_jojo_reference; February 9th, 2019 at 07:06 PM.
Is that FC the Anti-Spiral from TTGL? Because that's kind of hilariously fitting for a Beast Servant. As for the sheet itself, it's pretty interesting conceptually. I can't help but feel he's a little too similar to Goetia, what with wanting to return humanity to its genesis and create a "perfect world" and all. Though you compared him to Goetia by name a few times in the sheet, so I guess that similarity is a feature and not a bug.
Actually, now that I think about it, the motives behind his two NPs are kind of conflicting. Does he want to create a new big bang and reset the world like in his second NP, or leave humanity mostly as is but just keep them from hurting and killing each other like his first NP? If the latter I honestly can't see why he'd qualify as a villain or Beast at all.
Maybe it would help if you better clarified what his first NP actually does. Does it reprogram people's minds so they're incapable of even forming violent intentions (in which case it's pretty mind-rapey and definitely something that would qualify him for an Evil of Man) or just physically stop violent acts from occurring in some way (like making a spear used to stab someone suddenly become limp and rubbery)?
Thanks for the feedback, in truth, i needed someone to fill the spot of Beast of Alaya, a concept i wanted to dive into, so thats why he might seem more benevolent than others
His first noble phantasms is kind of the both what you mentioned really, it just turns humanity into beings which are wholly benevolent by reprogramming their mind, and preventing anyone who isn't affected from hurting others [Aka Ryuunosuke's worst nightmare] though i mentioned that the pillars of light are easily destroyed and that it is only a temporary solution to violence.
His second Noble Phantasm actually cannot be even activated in the real world, he truly wants to reset everything however he is fearful to not let it go all to waste, he could probably find a way to circumvent the counter force and activate it, but as he is Of course the beast of Alaya and is on the side of humanity 90 percent of the time, he hesitates to do this, even if he knows it would be the right thing. so he created a pocket universe [Another thing i stole from gurren lagann suprise suprise] in which he could explode the space into existence as many times as possible.
besides if memory servers me right, Regret was mentioned by Goetia, so its a feature, not a bug.
What qualifies him for the Position of beast is his inability to do anything meaningful without exerting his own mind out of fear of drowning in regret, thus he is Beast V, Beast of Regret.
He is mostly not evil because the concept of Beast of Alaya is pretty contradictory in nature so i kinda had to make him less destructive than others, it took me a while to come up with a sin for him, but i went with regret because it seemed the most fitting.
in his creation myth it is mentioned that Angra Mainyu attacked Ahura Mazda while humanity was being created, so i kinda started there and branched on filling in the holes with logic.
Last edited by massive_jojo_reference; February 9th, 2019 at 02:35 PM.
"..."
Saber of the White Armor:
Appearance:
True Name: Agilulf
Alignment: Neutral Good
Strength- B
Agility- E
Endurance- A+
Mana- C
Luck- E
NP- A-
History
Personality
Class Skills:
Magic Resistance- A
Confers protection against magical effects. At this rank, spells of A-rank and lower are nullified. As the Servant is functionally untouchable to modern Magi, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to call them a "Magus Killer". The innately supernatural condition of Saber's existence has alone given him a high level of resistance. It has been further improved by the fact that he was one of the Paladins of Charlemagne and surely did battle with many foul enchanters in life.
Truly a rank befitting one who was called a [perfect knight].
Riding- B
The ability to ride animals and handle vehicles. At this rank, most mundane mounts can be ridden at an above average degree of skill, but not Phantasmal or Divine Beasts.
Civilization Erasure- D+
A subconsciously active ability inherent to all Velber-created Heroic Spirits. Any tool in Saber's grasp automatically takes the form of "a weapon fitting for a proper knight", transforming into a pure white sword, shield or lance made of the same unknown material that comprises Saber's body. Being extensions of his body these weapons possess the same Adaptive Body Skill as Saber himself, gaining new properties such as elemental bursts and longer reach in response to his opponent.
At its full potential this Skill could create more than just knightly armaments, but Saber adamantly refuses to use it for anything else.
Personal Skills:
Synthetic Limbs (Armor)- A (N/A)
Denotes that one's flesh has become an artificial mechanism. Saber's entire body is in fact a hollow suit of armor, with nothing underneath save air. This unique constitution grants Saber a constant + modifier to his Endurance parameter, but due to the heavy weight of the armor Agility is ranked down. Additionally, complete immunity is conferred against attacks that target vital points, poisons (except those that can corrode metal itself) and disease.
This Skill is sealed when Saber bonds himself with a human vessel, due to the armor now having a human body inside it rather than being hollow.
Adaptive Body- D+ (EX)
Indicates possession of a perfect weapon-like body that can adapt to any circumstance. In his original form as Velber 01, Saber would have an EX-rank in this Skill. Saber's armored body is actually a quantum supercomputer akin to the Moon Cell's photonic crystals, able to record and analyze any combat-data it receives and mold itself accordingly.
If hit by a fire attack he'd gain resistance to heat. If dropped off a cliff he'd grow jet-propelled wings and fly. Saber could make his armor lighter and sleeker to deal with an agile opponent, or bulkier and more durable to withstand a powerful attack. At its full potential this Skill would allow Saber to remake his body entirely, transforming into a mechanical monster or an amorphous liquid-metal blob. However, out of respect to the man who gave him purpose Saber has locked himself into the form of a "knight", sealing away any adaptations that would digress from that ideal. Thus the rank of this Skill has been dramatically lowered.
Saber still uses this ability to emulate Skills he deems "fitting for a proper knight", such as Guardian Knight and Eternal Arms Mastery.
Saint Graph Hybridization- EX
A unique Skill that allows Saber to imprint his Saint Graph onto another individual, effectively transforming them into a Demi-Servant. To do so all that is needed is for the target to step into the hollow armor that comprises Saber's body. Upon doing so the armor molds around them and morphs into the target's own image of an "ideal knight". For a Japanese teenager in the modern day, it would almost certainly take the form of a Kamen Rider-esque armored bodysuit.
The target can then access Saber's parameters, Skills and Noble Phantasms. For the purpose of the Grail War, they essentially become Servant Saber while donning the armor. Saber's higher consciousness is sealed away while being used this way, effectively becoming a mechanical suit that's being "piloted" by his human host. The armor can be taken off at will, at which point the vessel reverts to being a mundane human and Saber regains the ability to move and act independently.
Saber can only bond himself to individuals who possess a compatible mentality. In other words, desiring to become a "knight of justice", however one defines the concept. The specifics of that desire don't matter. Whether it's to be a dark knight that mercilessly kills evil, or a knight of hope who strives to redeem to even the most twisted souls, makes no difference to Saber. As long as the target wishes to become a "knight", the bone-white armor will dutifully embrace them.
Noble Phantasms
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Whew boy, now this was an undertaking. I spent months keeping this guy in my WIP file, polishing him up until I was finally ready to post him up here. Now after quite a bit of edits and rewriting he's hopefully "perfect" or close enough. This is probably one of the most unusual Servant ideas I've ever done and I admit I had to reach a lot to come up with a Nasuverse-appropriate backstory for him.
As always, any comments and critiques are welcome. Thanks for reading!
Last edited by RoydGolden; February 10th, 2019 at 03:07 PM. Reason: Fixed Riding description
What a wonderful, interesting sheet. I like how you made him a Velber, but one who learned the value of life differently from Altera and became a true knight instead. He is strong, but not necessarily OP, and I like the whole wearing the suit of armor. Would probably fit Shirou well.
Wow, the three last sheets have a very high quality. It's a pity the thread isn't very active now
AWAKEN MY RULERS
I know I've suspended my work on other Sheets while I'm preparing my entry for the contest.
"Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"
(Check out my Super Special Awesome Servant Compendium here)
Much thanks for the feedback Gau. I was really unsure about this sheet, mainly because I'd been delaying it for a long time and wasn't sure if he would live up to expectations. The Velber idea I was particularly worried would come off as forced or contrived. And yeah, he'd have excellent compatibility with Shirou. One of my early ideas for the sheet (before I decided to make him Velber 01) was even to have Agilulf summoned as a Pseudo-Servant with Shirou.
I would've used this as the FC. (Never mind that it's very clearly Shirou cosplaying Arturia).
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Yeah, I'm almost sure the quiet spell recently is because of the contest going on.
Last edited by RoydGolden; February 9th, 2019 at 07:13 PM.
AWAKEN MY RULERS
"Here's a bangin lil' tune about takin' on The Man!"
(Check out my Super Special Awesome Servant Compendium here)
No problem Royd. Glad to comment on your sheets. In any case, the Velber part actually makes a lot of sense because according to Extella Link, didn't Karl der Grosse and Astolfo actually stumble across a Velber in a cave that corrupted the former?
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Rin has got to be either Merlin, the Lady of the Lake, or somehow both, then.