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Part 1: Archer is an idiot
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He knew he had to get serious. Lancer's red glare was deathly cold even as the air seemed to seethe with dread. If he made one mistake here, it'd be over in an instant. That wasn't different from any other battle he'd fought in, of course, but he couldn't rely on his melee fighting style. He didn't have time to try anything ranged either.
No choice, he had to unleash his ultimate attack.
Noble Phantasm? No, it was much, much more than that…
"Okay, here I come, Lancer!" Archer grinned as he felt power quiver up his arm. His weapon materialized in his hand, and in the same instant he cocked it with a sharp click and fired.
His weapon didn't fire with a loud bang, like he was certain his opponent and Master assumed it would from a glance, but with a breeze of wind, a stumble of feet, a somersault, and so much more. That unique sound was accompanied by a sharp whoosh of air as his projectile arced, and smacked right into his enemy's face.
"Bull's eye!" Archer crowed, feeling smug as his opponent fell to the ground—dead, of course.
The abruptness of the battle's end, before Lancer had even finished prepping his own ultimate attack, left a sudden lurch as his Master, as well as a hidden watcher, stood in shock. The pause lasted only a handful of seconds, which Archer enjoyed to the fullest.
"What was THAT?" Rin exploded as she slowly began to realize that, yes, that actually happened.
"I beat our enemy, as you can see," Archer said as he gestured towards Lancer's prone body, which hadn't quite started to dissipate in a shower of golden dust yet.
"Uh huh," Rin stomped over to Lancer's corpse and jabbed a finger at the object still sticking to his face. "And HOW did you kill him with this?"
The object in question was, of course, a pair of panties.
"It was a panty shot, Rin." Archer looked at her condescendingly. "Man's worst foe, yet greatest joy.
"I'm sure Lancer died with a smile on his face… and blood leaking from his nose."
Sure enough, Rin pulled away the blue and white striped panties and, to her disgust, found Lancer's corpse had a grin even as the blood from his nose began to dry.
"This is ridiculous." Rin ground her teeth. "You… you two were having an epic battle and everything! I couldn't even see how fast you were going at times! You can't KILL someone with a panty shot, that's just fucking ludicrous!"
Archer shrugged as Lancer's body finally began to melt into dust. "It worked, didn't it?"
"No, this did NOT happen." Rin held her head as pain began to pulse through her skull from trying to wrap her mind around the stupid concept. "I'm going to pretend this didn't happen, Archer. And you are never, EVER going to use that… that gun thing again, okay?"
"But—"
"NEVER. AGAIN." Rin felt a rush of power course through her arm as her second command spell took hold over Archer. She didn't even regret it.
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Part 2: Archer is also an idiot
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It had been a tough battle. In all honesty, Archer was sure he couldn't win conventionally, not with his ultimate attack sealed. They'd gotten pretty lucky, being able to team up with Shirou and Saber kept the brunt of many battles from forcing him into actually needing to go all out in order to gain victory, but that luck had finally run out with this new enemy.
Berserker, Caster, Rider… they were all like gnats compared to the powerhouse that was Gilgamesh. He couldn't expect any help from Saber, she was too worn down, and neither Shirou nor Rin had any hope of being more than a target for distraction at best. It was all on him, Archer knew.
But he could still win. It was gamble, but he could most definitely win. Against any other opponent, he wouldn't even consider it, but against Gilgamesh… it was possible.
"So, King of Heroes…" Archer kept a casual tone despite his weariness. "I hear you're quite the connoisseur of wines."
"Hmph!" Gilgamesh sniffed with disdain. "What of it, mongrel? Hoping to beg for a taste before I snuff out your worthless life?"
"Oh, no, no…" Archer shook his head carefully, not taking his eyes off Gilgamesh, but still giving a small measure of deride. "I was just wondering if you could actually handle a real man's drink."
"Archer, what are you DOING?" Rin hissed as she clutched her arm tightly, trying to stem her blood-loss. Shirou stayed motionless, his swords ready while standing over Saber's near comatose body.
"A… real man's drink…?" Gilgamesh scoffed, not even offended, just bemused. "I hope you do not speak of that poorly crafted garbage known as beer."
"Oh, of course not," Archer nodded his head in agreement with Gilgamesh's dismissal. "I'm not even talking about whiskey, bourbon or any those others. I'm talking about a drink so good, only the bravest of men, the most kingly of beings, can even hope to live after consuming from its glory.
"Interested in testing your mettle?" Archer tilted his head to the side challengingly.
He was.
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Of course, the new challenge required a new venue. Thankfully, they weren't too far from a closed bar, which they broke into, and Archer quickly fixed his drink. He had been working on perfecting it for quite some time, so he had high hopes of his victory.
Setting down a bottle he'd crafted, Archer placed two shot glasses in front of his foe and let Gilgamesh pick whichever he wanted.
The rules were simple.
"Whoever is left standing is the winner."
"Hmph," Gilgamesh gave a snort, less mocking and more amused—as if his opponent had any hope of victory.
"Archer, what are you planning…!?" Rin gave another hiss, starting to get angry at her Servant continually ignoring her. She had long since bandaged her wounds, but the fact that she was still so close to the man who'd nearly impaled and bisected her left her on edge.
"Tohsaka just… let him do this." Shirou placed his hand on her shoulder, shooting a glance at the still catatonic Saber. "At the very least, it gives us some time."
Gilgamesh looked at the tiny shot glass with disdain as Archer filled it with only a few inches of strange liquid. Holding it up, Gilgamesh had to admit the texture of the drink was impressive. It was unlike anything he'd seen, a true kaleidoscope of colors; it shifted from night black to blood-red to pure white and more as the dim light of the bar hit it. Gilgamesh held it up to his nose, detecting a whiff of… something. It was a familiar aroma, a thought provoking one, but he could not place it.
Now truly interested, Gilgamesh glanced back up at Archer, who also had his shot glass held between his fingers.
"Well, bottom's up." Archer smirked challengingly, and then chugged the shot in a single gulp.
Not to be outdone, Gilgamesh quickly followed suit, feeling a hint of annoyance that the mongrel consumed his glass first. That annoyance faded away completely as Gilgamesh immediately slumped over, dead.
"Wait, what?" Rin, who had been watching the scene with gripping trepidation, suddenly felt a feeling of déjà vu.
"Huh," Shirou grunted as he blinked, surprised at their easy victory. He then glanced at Archer, who was still quite alive, in confusion "I don't get it, how'd you poison him?"
"Oh, it was the drink. Too much of a good thing can kill you, is all. And I've built up an immunity." Archer smile as he picked up the bottle and sloshed it around with a fond look on his face.
"Archer… that drink…" Rin's glare was like the arctic as noticed that Gilgamesh was bleeding heavily from his nose.
"Yes, it's liquidized panties, Rin." Archer nodded with a smug look. "You only said I couldn't use the gun, and while I only recently perfected this variation, the problem was actually getting someone to drink it.
"Thankfully, Gilgamesh took me up on my challenge."
"Archer… never again…"
"But—"
"NEVER... AGAIN!" Rin felt the power of her third and final command spell course through her and felt only elation—she never wanted to see something so stupid again in her entire life.
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End?
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As with that, this is all Mereo's fault. I don't even remember the conversation anymore, but he wanted me to write a fanfic with a literal panty shot. I decided I would make him regret telling me to do that.
Then my computer crashed and burned for an entire month right after I was finished, and I wasn't sure if this this had made it through - but it did, so I'm posting it now before I think better of it.
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Originally Posted by ItsaRandomUsername
